Thursday, July 31, 2008

I too am going to blame all of my mistakes on those devious elves!

I was trying really hard to find something else to talk about other than work. I really was, but then I remembered I had started this blog to RANT about life/work shit so I decided to stop second guessing my posts. Jeezus Jones! It's not like I'm being judged over here...

Anyway.

P-T S has added an extra little excitement to my life in the form of, gut wrenching fury, acid to the crotch, hammer to the head, adventures.

I have only met one other person in my life who swears they did everything right but mischievous elves came and fucked with their perfection and left them standing there looking like nitwits.

I once worked with this guy we'll call Frankie. Frankie was a breader (person who breaded the chicken, and cleaned the restaurant) at the illustrious Brown's Chicken & Pasta and was a huge pain in the ass.


Every single time I told him to do something, he would stand there, in his skinny jeans, bob his head up and down saying "okay okay okay" then do the complete OPPOSITE of what I told him. Whenever I would confront him, his response would always be

"I swear I did it right!"

Bee:
Frankie? I asked for 8 chicken breasts and you gave me 8 thighs.

Frankie:
No. I swear I gave you 8 breasts. They must be in there somewhere!

Bee:
Really? Where would they go Frankie? Did they evaporate? Did they escape through the tiny little holes then force themselves through the pipes and are now making their way to KFC?

Frankie:
I dunno but I swear I gave them to you!

Andy and I have many reminiscing laughs at Frankie's expense since he was also a character. He was shaped like an old fashioned match stick, skinny as can be with fiery red hair in a mini afro and freckles. He tended to repeat things and do a little shuffle when he was put on the spot. This was the reason I never fired him. Because he made me giggle. Don't judge me, I lead a very sad life!

Flash forward about a hundred years and I no longer find it even a little bit fuckin amusing.
I no longer giggle when I'm told "I swear I did it right!". Instead, my jaw tightens, my hands curl into fists and I pray for a super villain to come take me as his hostage, then splatter my guts when no one wants to pay him the $10 he's asking for my freedom.

Sadly, I'm cursed with being the ultimate professional so I haven't let loose with the expletives itching to escape my mouth and slap some sense into little Miss No Brains. This was the constructive criticism I gave her.

"I appreciate that you're still learning but DO NOT tell me you are following my instructions. If you were, your notes/memos would be in the system and your itemized statement would have printed. IT'S NOT THE SYSTEM, IT'S YOU."

Her response was to tell me how she had mastered the first step. Big woop!


So, for the next few seconds, I am going to say what I really want to say to Female Frankie.

"Listen very carefully you stupid shithead. In my 3 years at the Asylum, I have never had the system EAT any notes/memos I entered. If they're not there, it's because your brain dead body did not enter YES when the easy-as-fuckin-breathing system asked you if you WANTED to save your notes/memo. If the itemized statement didn't print, it's because your dumbass DID NOT ENTER YES when the system asked if the printer was ready. MY 5 YEAR OLD NIECE could do a better job than you do WHILE IN HER SLEEP! You fuckin waste of space!!"

"And P.S. Stop telling me your head hurts from all these things you're learning! Because A) you are obviously NOT learning anything and B) imagine how mine feels now that I have a 45 lb empty head hanging from my neck????"


Thank you for listening,

Bee.


P.S.
To my "AnonyMOUSE" hater (who I think followed me from Uproarious, aren't I the lucky one that gets all the weirdos? I feel so honored to inspire random hate from bottom dwellers) who wrote this:
--
Anonymous said...
Why is it that when men say something “mean” about women "we’re" sexist but when women turn around and say the same shit about men "they’re" not sexist? Men are funnier because women take “offense” to everything and take things too "seriously". I hope your husband “learns” to put you in your place!

--
Dude, I get it! You have a "penis". You like playing with it all by yourself. "That" doesn't "impress" me. The "day" you can make it reach "your" "butthole"? "That" "day" I will give you "my" "love" and "adoration".

Until that time, keep on trying.

Or keep on truckin'. Or keep on keeping on.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The love of my life still makes me blush...


A long time ago, Andy and I established a few rules when out in public. I know what you're thinking, aren't you two civilized enough to interact with the rest of society without making complete fools of yourselves???

No.

I OVERREACT to everything and he underreacts to everything which then causes us to have mini whispering battles on who is the biggest idiot. He usually wins the honor of King of Idiotomland but he might tell you it's the other way around.

Anyway, the first time we were going to meet Crazy Ez, at the time she was just Esmeralda, I told Andy that there were certain topics he couldn't talk about. At that precise moment in time, he was addicted to some shooting game and was busy trying to save the world from guys moving in slow motion. He couldn't be bothered to look away from the computer screen to have a decent conversation with his wife so he just said "Just tell me to shut up if I say something wrong- FRAG OUT!!"

Bee:
Sweetie honey pie sugar lamb, it will look odd if, upon meeting my Bros new girlfriend, I keep sayin 'SHUT UP ANDY!' because we both know that's how the evening will start AND end.

Andy:
... ::shrugs::

Bee:
How about this, we have some sort of code word we can use kind of like the one we have for when we want to leave a party, family gathering, Dan's presence(*EYEBALLS*).

Andy:
... [bobbing his head around like a boxer, looking for the hidden enemy] ::nods::

Bee:
How about sparkplug??

Andy:
'kay.

Fast forward to that evening and the word sparkplug was sprinkled liberally throughout dinner. Esmeralda, being the sharp as a Ginsu knife girl she is (you know she's a school teacher right? A CHICAGO PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER), finally noticed how I would turretsly yell out SPARKPLUG! and then Andy would clam up.

Crazy Ez:
Uh, what's going on?

Since she was so cool, we came clean and had a big laugh.


The reason I'm telling you this story is because Andy Husband and I still have codes for when we can't say what we want due to objects in the form of bodies with ears overhearing our convos. By now, SEVEN LONG YEARS into the marriage, you'd figure Andy would get something is up but I can't talk about it AT THE MOMENT.

Well, let me take you back to Tuesday, July 29th.
Tuesdays have become our laundry days but I wasn't feeling well. I called Andy to ask him if we could reschedule to Thursday.

Andy:
What's wrong?

Bee:
I'm not feeling well.

Andy:
Is it your head again.

Bee:
No.

Andy:
Welllll???

Bee:
I just don't feel good.

Andy:
Did you sleep okay?

Bee: [IRRITATED]
No but that's not IT!

Andy:
Are you tired??

Bee:
::whispers:: No, my stomach hurts.

Andy:
Oh. Cramps?

Bee:
NO! I'M HANGING UP NOW!

Andy:
No, no. Are you okay? Is it your ulcers?

Bee:
OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO KEEP GOING TO THE BATHROOM SO I DON'T WANT TO USE THE PUBLIC ONE AT THE MAT, OKAY?? ARE YOU HAPPY?? NOW EVERYBODY IS STARING AT ME!!

Andy:
Oh, so you have to go poopsie? Is you wittle booty hurtin' from going poopsie?

Bee:
Fucker. [hangs up]

-------------------------

So, I think we need a code word for "you are being a gigantic ass and I want to start seeing other people!", any ideas?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Airheadabic for dummies



Hi! I'm P-T S, Bee's assistant, and I've taken over her blog for the day. I decided to come over and tell you what a day with me really is like.
It's not fair that you get the story only from Bee's perspective, let's face it, she can be sanctimonious and demanding.

Here we go!

8:26

Okay, let me punch in now... hmmm the time clock seems to be broken! Maybe if I unplug it...? I know I've only been working here a week and don't know what the consequences will be but I'm sure it'll be fine.
Huh. It's still not working only now it has 3 dashes and doesn't seem to be registering the time or day.

I better go get Bee.

Oh no, she has that weird eye twitching thing again. Oh, she just told me the time clock wasn't broken I was putting my time card in wrong and now it was going to take the time clock 24 hours to reset.
Oopsie!

Okay, now she wants me to finish the report I was doing last week. She says it should have been done already. Oh well!

Let's see, we saved it on Excel but maybe if I click on Adobe...?
Huh? I can't find my file!
What did I name it again? Something like Dog Sniffers Anonymous?? No. It was my initials plus the name of the report she gave me but I'm not sure...
I'll just waste 2 hours clicking aimlessly through Adobe.

::sigh:: I should ask her I guess but she's got that 'fuck off' look to her that makes my stomach have gas pains. Oh! I know! I'll just ask Milton since she seems to know EVERYTHING!
Wow. She sure does talk a lot. How did we get to talking about her underwear?
I'll just bite the bullet and ask Bee.

Oh-oh. I think I did something wrong. Both her eyebrows are having spasms and her ears look like tiny red peppers. I guess I should have told her I needed help right away.
Oopsie!

Ooh I just remembered that song from Chili's "Chili's baby back ribs Chili's baby back ribs! Barbecue sauce!"
I used to love that song! I wonder why they don't show it on TV anymore?

I'm so hungry! I think I might--- Oh she is saying something and I wasn't paying attention but the last thing I heard was "very important". Should I ask her what's "very important"? Naw. She's already super pissed at me, I'll just wing it.

Okay, she's going to lunch at her sister's and I'm to finish the day with the receptionist. What did she tell me to do before I close the Excel report?? She just said it was very important. I wish I had listened, oh well!

Okay, close program.

Do I want to save changes I made to excel? No! I don't want to mess anything up! Phew! That would have been so bad! Who knows what she would have done to me!

She's back from lunch. What? Did I save the changes I made to the report? Yes. But I didn't save changes I made to Excel I almost did but I-- what? I don't understand? I SHOULD have saved the changes to Excel? Now I've lost everything I entered?
Oopsie!

There she goes, off like a little Tasmanian devil, sounds like one too because... is she speaking in another language?
I think I just heard her ask for an Advil? I wonder why her head hurts? Oh! She said Anvil! Is that what they constantly dropped on Wile E. Coyote?? I used to love those cartoons I wonder why they don't show them anymore? Too violent probably. I don't like the new cartoons-- Oh! It's 2:30! Time to go. Bye guys! See you tomorrow! I really really LOVE THIS JOB!

Oh no, I have to go tell Bee the time clock isn't working again!
Hey, that maroon blouse she's wearing matches her cheeks!
I wonder if that color would look good on me-- SPLAT!




Sorry guys, due to a tragic anvil accident P-T S could not finish her story. If you leave comments, please leave them in Airheadabic so she'll understand what you're saying.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Love me Dead.

I was catching up on my trash TV watching and had gotten through most of my Bridezillas episodes, I have to admit to being fascinated by the amount of crap the family and the groom puts up with without either slapping the bride or just shoving her into a lake, when I came across a sign that made me do a double take.

I rewound the the show and sure enough:

I want to know what some sick perverted freak did to a poor unsuspecting Croc to make them put this sign up!

I hope the Croc ate him afterwards.

║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║

Guess what people!!! My momma comes home on Friday night after a 3 month absence! No. More. Cooking. For. Me!

It hasn't been all bad since everything I make is on the grill but the few times I have to use the stove... well, let's just say I've had to remove the batteries from the smoke detectors more than once.

Weirdly, Andy has lost weight, not because of my cooking (smartasses), I, however, have only lost my keys/sanity/patience. How unfair is that?? We've eaten the same food, he eats more than I do and yet HE is the one losing weight!

He says it's because he's in construction but come on! He's an Electrician! We all know all they do is exercise their screwdriver arm giving them a weird Popeye looking forearm.

║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║

I watched Penelope which was cute but the whole time I was watching it, I kept trying to figure out who little piggy girl's friend "Annie" was.

I sat there and scanned thru the files of all young blond actresses I have archived in my brain and I never could come up with who it was. Until the credits.

REESE WHITHERSPOON!

Things like that drive me crazy! I need to know the answer right away.

So imagine how insane I'm going right now because I'm trying to figure out who sings the song they're using to promote the new season of "House".

I google the lyrics and NOTHING!

Here is the website "House", click on the video to hear the song. The first one to tell me who sings this song will get a shiny new penny!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! ::grabs head and bangs it against soft pillow!!::

║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║║

I'm calling off the MAYDAY. I um, noticed the name of the artist at the bottom of the little video screen just now (I only played the video about 20 times...). Ludo "Love Me Dead"

Carry on with whatever you were doin'.



.

I know my Andy sings this song to me while I'm sleeping and he's holding a mallet over my head.
♥♥♥♥Ahhh TRUE LOVE! ♥♥♥♥

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The story, it ends here. How do I know? Because I wrote *THE END* at the end.

The little mcgigglebiggles that make my laptop run and keeps Andy in his happy place (although, at the moment he's in the middle of another tantrum. How dare I suggest we go for a bagel????) have returned to our lives.
We're back, a little beat be up but not wiser.

And now for the last installment in my assistant drama.

╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧
The name Part-Time Savior, will be no more.
I'm rechristening her Part-Time Suxworsethanshovingbambooshootsintoyourfingernails so that we can keep her initials "P-T S" intact(o-mundo).

I'm tired you guys.

I'm so exhausted I can barely lift my little midget (I can call myself that so no hate mail) fingers from Q to 9 but I will keep typing! Even if I don't make any sense.

I came back from lunch on Wednesday to find P-T S lounging at my desk while sitting on my chair.

MY chair.

Did you read the part that says MY CHAIR??


My chair, the one only *I* have had the pleasure of sitting on because it was bought specifically for my tush (I originally typed TUSHIE but who are we kidding? There is nothing "IE" about my TUSH.).
I felt like Phoebe and her Guitar. "Touch it again and I'll have to pound you a little bit"
I felt like Joey and his french fries. "It's Joey food!"
I felt like Andy and his Cheetos. Too many to quote so I just inserted a linky-dink.

In other, more ghettofied words:

Don't sit. Your stanky ass. On my chair!

Okay, that's not the only reason why she's making my life miserable. I was not amused with her persistence in talking to everybody instead of doing her work. This was her SECOND day!

And the bats? You'd figure because they've lived such long LONG lives they'd know better! Nope, not my dear little blind flying rodents. Oh no. They made it seem like it was okay to loiter by MY desk and discuss the traffic situation in downtown Suburbia.

I am not kidding when I say I was SCREAMING in my head.

I cut in like so-eth:

Bee:
So, yeah. How 's that TPS report coming along. [eye twitch eye twitch]

P-T S:
Great! I've caught on! [while still standing by my desk]

I get up and stand in front of her face and start moving forward making her walk backwards. I had to keep my hands at my sides [they have a tendency to want to karate chop, remember?].

Bee:
[eye twitch eye twitch] Uh-huh. Let's journey to your desk and see, yes?

P-T S:
Now that I know what I'm doing, I'm flying through them!

*Them* being elephants with purple ribbons.




Bee:
Mhm mhm. This report? It usually only takes a few hours so I need it done today, m'kay? [I was trying to convey "I believe in you!" but encouragement is not one of the things that make me ME. ]

P-T S:
No problem!

A few minutes later I overheard her say to her imaginary friend Peppito the Blue Elephant (with purple bow blowing in the wind),

"I hope I'm doing this right!"

Holy ColbyJack Cheese Batman!

2:30

P-T S:
Okay! I'm almost done with it! I'm on page 33! When I come back tomorrow I should FLY by the rest.

If it were up to me, I would have said "You know what? How about tomorrow you stay home, have some coffee and watch some M*A*S*H reruns? Maybe lose our address? But look! As a parting gift, here's a SCREEN-PRINT of the definition for the word "Fly".

NEXT!

Sadly, if you come by Shangrila Bee's often, you know that we collect Lollygaggers like some collect crusty old love letters from long dead mushy wind bags (I hope I'm not offending anybody. If you collect such letters GOOD FOR YOU! Nice to have a hobby that doesn't involve sticking pins through butterfly wings -EVIL BASTARDS!-) (hopefully the mushy long dead wind bags will not be offended either because I need another poltergeist like I need another husband.) .

When I went to Glynda and said "She is not understanding the basic system, I don't think she'll be able to handle the rest of what the position entails"

Glynda:
Well, I'm sure you can put up with her for 20 days.

[I know what you're thinking 6 weeks at 5 days in one work week equal 30 days minus 3 plus red frogs equals ?? I don't know but it's not 20.]

Bee:
But you'll be paying her to do nothing. I don't have time to go back and correct her mistakes.

Glynda:
Maybe she can just pull charts for you or shred paper or file something that doesn't involve the computer.

You can imagine the look on my face.
No, you can't because you don't know what I look like. Sure you've seen some pictures but not the true me that doesn't hide behind her hair or when I'm being morphed. You'll just have to imagine my eyes rolling to the back of my head.

At the same time, I'm a little relieved. Now I know that if I come in drunk/high/knife-wielding/goat-riding/bunny-skinning/shoeless/bra-less/BRAINLESS... you know what? Strike "shoeless" that would just be punishing myself, no matter what I do, I WILL NEVER GET FIRED FROM THIS PLACE.

2 more years for me to be fully vested and then I'm blowing this pop stand. Maybe. Hopefully?

Wait, I think it's 3 more years CRAP!

Don't worry about this old girl. I didn't live to be the grand old age of 35 without a couple of tricks up my black hoodie sleeve. I had a little slice of revenge planned.

Glynda asked me not to tell OZ how much she SUUUUUCKS I told her I was not going to lie since that would be putting my ass in the receiving line of his anger.


When I met with the Great and Powerful OZ for our Friday meeting and he asked me how she was doing, I was honest. Glynda kept defending her and he grew concerned that I was spending so much time holding P-T S' hand. His suggestion, to give Glynda instructions and let her sit with P-T S! So now I have 2 assistants that make up ONE brain.


THE END!


*That wasn't the whole argument but there is no point in me relaying how I tried to show her that logically if someone was here to assist you (me) but you (me) wound up spending the whole day doing the main thing then they just had to do the brainless crap then there wasn't much assisting, am I right?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Day 2 of no Internet/Cable. The world, she is bleak.

Andy is pacing like a wild smelly beast threatening violence onto every innocent man/woman/dogs.

No cable equals kick to the nuts.

No Internet equals END OF THE WORLD!

I called the keepers of our sanity and they have no sympathy for my plight. They have "promised" to send someone over by SATURDAY afternoon. This mean we will have to entertain ourselves and I shudder at what Andy might have in mind!

I will not play Magic the Gathering or that other one with Dungeons and some Dragons. No way Jose. Not this cool chick!

Anyway, if you're e-mailing me and I'm not responding, this is why.
If you're not e-mailing me, whatcha waiting for?

I hope when I come back I don't have to pull out my belt and whip some people that have been misbehaving.
I'm like a potato, I have EYES everywhere. And also the shape.

Hasta la pasta!

p.s.
I thank myself for buying myself Scarlett. Myself.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The day the Earth stood still...

Internet/Cable out STOP send help STOP Andy going apeshit STOP can't communicate with outside world STOP sigh STOP stop! STOP

--
==================================================================
This mobile text message is brought to you by Scarlett

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The saga? It continues.

But first.

I'd like to respond to two commentators from yesterday's post:

Diesel asked...
"Did you really say all that? I'm never that clever when I need to be."


Yes.

My mouth has a mind of its own completely independent from my brain. They hardly ever communicate therefore getting my butt, completely independent from my brain but not independent from my mouth, into the proverbial hot water. I've grown accustomed to the hot water and just pretend I'm in a jacuzzi.

That was a long answer for "Yes. I really said that." ;op

Berry said...
I like your blog but your posts are too long sometimes.


Berry, is it? Like StrawBerry or
DingleBerry?

I can't help it. My day is long. My rants are long. My life IS long.

To shorten it would mean Andy is free to marry a true paragon of virtue and I just will not stand/die for that!

And now Berry, just for you, another long post but I semi-promise not to do a post until Friday. If I'm not tired. You have my permission to read this one in two parts while stroking your kitty cat.


▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓▒▒▒▓

Okay, I know you guys are tired of hearing about my Bat problems at the Asylum. I know you’re thinking “Yawn! Maybe if you stop being such a bitch, people would love you!”


My response to you is “Say that again to my face. Can you hear my voice? That's because I’m right behind you.”

Ha ha did you get chills?? Just kidding I'm too lazy to Google your butt so you’re safe. For now.

Listen, I wish I could talk to you guys about the recent news items that have come to my attention but I just don’t have the time okay? I wish I could discuss with you how gross I find it that women are going to salons and letting fish
nibble the crust off their feet but this here is REAL LIFE!

Anyyyyway, Part-Time Savior came in today. She kept holding the left side of her face thinking we weren’t wise to her charade (please say it like the Brits, shah-rod) but I’m desperate and time is running out on me here so I faked concern.

But then, the concern became real.

Our computer system is extremely easy. It’s almost as if they designed it so people with lobotomies could operate it while undergoing removal of their left eye. AND heavily sedated.

At the bottom of the screen it will give you prompts:

A) Launch bug
B) Eat spaghetti
C) Slap coworker

You select what you want and move on to the next screen where you’ll have another series of questions.

Being of superior intellect, I mastered the system and showed the Bats a couple other little short cuts they were never aware of (like screen-prints. who would of thought you can PRINT a SCREEN!) until my dazzling arrival.

The assistants I’ve had before, BD and Dorothy, while not as bright as me/myself/I, they caught on quick. I always start them slow and easy which means they have to learn 5 things the first day (not counting finding your way around the Asylum).

FIVE THINGS.
I print a simple, yet important, report give it to them and by the end of the day they would be almost done.

As I type this, because I have nothing better to do, it is 2:40 and she will be leaving in 20 minutes. I've done everything in my power, except open her head and pour the information directly into her brain, to teach her these FIVE EASY THINGS and she is still not getting it!

Directions are, from main screen.

Select Inquiry. *enter*

Enter Account # *enter*

Hit F3 Key

Highlight patient *enter*

Hit C for charges *enter*

Write down X Y Z from this screen on the report. (This doesn’t count as something they need to learn here because people should know how to write by now)

I know what you’re going to say, why doesn’t she screen-print the information.

THINK OF THE TREES PEOPLE!
think of the trees (N C S !!)


No, I only need 3 things from that screen which doesn’t warrant me having stacks of paper.

For some reason, she types the account number and either sits and waits for Zeus to come over and whisper the info in her ear or she enters the account# then hits “C” and “enter” which sends her back to the main screen because the system is scratching it’s head, asking itself what type of monkey is pushing the pretty buttons.


Okay, I do sound mean.

I try to be a patient trainer, I really do. You can ask the people I’ve been boss the of. Brother and sister duo Dan and Nancy, Andy (I’m still his boss so he might not have anything good to say) and BD.

BD! If you’re out there, come out of the attorney slime hole you call your new job and back me up here!

Now I’m 2 days behind because she just left and only finished 8 pages out of 40.

Her excuses for not *getting it* were classic.

“My computer screen is too dark”
I brightened it.

“My F3 key doesn’t work.”
It does.

“When I hit enter it doesn’t take me to the same place it takes you!”
Really? Let me check the computer for wormholes. Nope, no wormholes.

“I’m typing everything you told me to, per my notes, and it’s wrong.”
Is she…? Are you…? Is she blaming it on me?

Yeah, that’s the safest way to go, blame it on me. See where THAT gets you.

More work got done yesterday, when she wasn't here!

If she doesn’t perform well tomorrow, it’s curtains (or coytuns as the mobsters say). I'm not heartless so I'm going to give her another chance, plus I like the way she smells kind of like inscense and
Pier One Imports.

════════════════════════════════════════

And now for a mini segment I shall call “the fuckin bitches I work with are a bunch of whiners who want to see me fall flat on my face!”

When P-TS came in, I gave her her governmental forms to fill out and I went to get my coffee. As I'm walking by the reception area, I hear this conversation.

CL to [Toto]:
… well it’s HER assistant I'm JUST the receptionist so I'm not saying anything!

I moon walked back to them and sweetly asked WTF was going on.

CL looked like the clichéd deer in the headlights but Toto asked if I wanted my new assistant to get paid because I hadn’t set up a time card for her to punch in.

I'd like to say I took the high road and shrugged my shoulders as if to convey bygones will be bygones and she is such a silly rabbit. I did not.

I told her we were working for the same company and she needed to grow up!

Why? Why are people such asses? Why would you want to sabotage somebody you work with?

════════════════════════════════════════

It doesn't look like my mood is going to get better anytime soon folks!

Remember, if you have any grievances with what you've read here today, please forward your complaints to:

seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com

That's:

SERIOUSLYWHOGIVESACRAP@GMAIL.COM

Our mutilators operators are standing by!

My nerves? They are tightly wound. But finely tuned.

Picture from
Weirdomatic dot com


P.S.
I know the joke is on me since I stand alone and am the one always frustrated and ranting.
See you Friday!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Little did I know the mosquito I killed would come back to haunt me.

Today was going to be a special day. My new assistant was starting her descent into the gas-hole I lovingly call Arkham Asylum. She was going to experience first hand, the mindless scenarios we take too seriously.

Are you asking for examples? Well, there's the why didn’t you bring back the kitchen towel, who moved the cheese, who moved the sausage, who ate the crackers, who brought expired coffee, last but not least, who has been eating the butt cake.

Let’s take a peek at how this glorious day started, shall we?

I woke up at an ungodly hour (SIX! BEFORE THE SUN EVEN) to hear my dogs trying to chew their way through the center of one Andy Husband. He was able to defeat the 15 lb beasts by throwing dog treats and running so he could leave for work but this left me with a massive headache.

I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed to get ready for work. I decided to dress for the occasion, the occasion being digging myself out of a mountain of paperwork for six blessed weeks, and chose a calming
peasant blouse matched with a flowing skirt.

When I looked in the mirror, my calming peasant blouse made me look 7 months pregnant so that came off right away. I searched in my closet for something else that might inspire warmth and respect and found one that complimented my Rosacea rosy cheeks, my bloodshot sparkling eyes and my frizzy luscious hair.

I grabbed my brown suede shoes, the ones I wear only to special occasions like tap-dancing on the graves of my enemies, completed my look with some gaudy jewelry and was on my way to work. Early, by the way!
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I set up her work station, grabbed my coffee and waited patiently for my part time savior. There I was, sipping my coffee, looking tired, frizzy, anxious, desperate, drooly
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I glanced at my watch, oopsie! It’s 8:35 and she’s not here yet! Hmmm, punctuality is a must for me. Okay, not so much but I was wondering who’s late on their first day? I’m always EARLY on my first days. I make a good impression and once they lower their expectations BAM! I start coming in half an hour late!

I had drifted into a reverie (does one drift into a reverie or am I thinking river?) when Glynda came to my desk and told me Part-time Savior called and couldn’t make it in today because she had a dentist appointment.

::sigh:: We all know this is code for “I have another interview with a better position and better paying job but I don’t want to lose this one in case I don’t get the other one.”

More power to her and I do hope she gets the other job but phookit! I’m back to square one!

To top things off, one of my awesome brown suede shoes decided to mutilate a mosquito bite I had on my Achilles heel and is now my own personal little distributor of torture!
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Would you like a side platter of annoyance with your disappointed painful Monday?
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OZ asked me to call in his lunch order. It was 9:30 and I didn’t want to forget so I called up the restaurant and some dude answered.

Bee:
Hi, I’d like to place a delivery order for noon.

Numbnuts:
We don’t open until 10.

Bee:
Okay? Can I still place an order for NOON?

Numbnuts:
I’m the only one here.

Bee:
I don’t know what that means. Are you trying to offer me a job? Because I’d like to counter offer that with CAN I PLACE AN ORDER FOR A NOON DELIVERY??

Numbnuts:
Hold ON.

puts me on hold.

[Are you in the mood for our authentic Italian sausage? How about our Polish dog? Be sure to ask about our catering menu. We now deliver to 10 suburbs. Don’t forget our famous milkshakes! AS LONG AS YOU CALL AFTER 10:00 AM]

Numbnuts:
Can you call back at 10?

Bee:
Sure. What’s the name of the manager?

Numbnuts:
Why?


Bee:
Because when I call back I’m going to tell him you deserve a raise! What do you mean “why”?

Numbnuts:
Fine! I’ll take your order!

Bee:
Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you… [I hang up]
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Remember I worked at a Brown’s Chicken where, if you were punched in and the phone rang, you had to pick it up and take care of the PAYING CUSTOMERS! Did we like answering the phone 2 hours before we opened?

No, but if you’re getting paid to do a job, how about you DO IT and not give me any shit?

For those of you bleeding hearts wanting to defend Numbnuts, this was not my first encounter with him and he has taken my order before as early as 9:00 AM.

In the amount of time he argued with me, he could have written down
-Turkey Sandwich- Address- Noon-.

Hell, he had time to recite the Gettysburg Address and name the states by order of induction into this, our freedomlicious country!

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And so ends another Monday. Excuse me while I go kick some dirt on it.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Just some randumbness...

Cable Channels have been running every Batman movie ever made to hype the new one released this weekend.

I've seen the first 2 with Michael Keaton and the one with Val Kilmer but I refuse to watch the one with George Clooney (what the hell were they thinking when casting these men?).
The Batman movies before Christian Bale (who might be replacing Brad Pitt in the *My Forever Man* part of my heart... Maybe. I haven't decided yet. I have to think about Johnny Depp too.), to me, were more in keeping with the cartoons I'd watch with the youngest of my brothers. In my opinion, Christian Bale has become the perfect Batman.
Of those older ones, my favorite is the first one where Jack Nicholson played the Joker. He was cheesy but I bought his character as a demented killer. However, I hardly watch this version of Batman because I hate HATE Vicky Vale (Kim Bassinger)! She must scream a million times in this movie and each time it's as if she's sending 33 tiny needles into my brain. I cant afford to lose anymore brain cells, I think I'm down to 4.

Heath Ledger has now replaced Jack's Joker in my head. He was abso-freakin-lutely brilliant! There was nothing attractive about him in this role and he literally gave me chills!
They wrote this Joker as an intelligent sociopath who was not a predictable villain. The parts in the movie where you would laugh, you could tell people were a little nervous laughing at whatever evil thing he said or did.

When we walked out of theater, the first thing I said to Andy was "Man! I'm so upset that Heath Ledger is dead!" I was shocked when I first heard the news of his death but I can't say any of his other movies have given me this level of enjoyment.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking but what do you want from me? I don't have a life! ;op

ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ

On a marital note, Andy told me the other day that my cooking has made him gassy. I threatened to never cook for him again and his smart ass response was to say that he keeps me in the luxury I've become accustomed to (SCRUBBING TOILETS AND DOING LAUNDRY AT THE LAUNDROMAT) and all I have to do is one thing, keep him fed.
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Donations for his funeral are being accepted at my PayPal account.
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I asked him to make his own dinner and this is what he had.
Ice cream and chocolate cake.

Why the hell didn't I think of that??

ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ

On a rodents from hell note, I have some squirrels that are aching to be made into jerky. They've been diggin through some of my pots and killing my flowers and pepper plants! One of the ladies I work with (notice how they're *ladies* when they're being nice but BATS when they piss me off) gave me a special spray that would keep garden rodents away.

Stupid me didn't wear my gloves when I sprayed the stuff on my plants so I got some on my hands. I almost DIED when I saw the ingredients, Urine and Dried Blood!! I don't know whose urine and blood it is, I just know I scrubbed my hands to the point of bleeding but no amount of soap made me feel clean! ::whimper::

The blasted spray didn't work because on Friday I came home to this:


Now one of those little bastards has run off with my Habanero plants! May their poop catch on fire while it's coming out of their ass!

Well, that's all for now. I'm off to make some BBQ ribs for me and the dogs. Andy can just have more ice cream and cake.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The sad sad state of the job market.

It's FRIDAY!! Woohoo! Well, it's closer to Saturday now but you get the picture right?

We've been interviewing all week for the ever elusive perfect assistant. Normally there's a ton of college kids or some seniors in high school applying but this year, it's been a little sad.

Almost all applicants have been women in their 40s or late 50s and way overqualified. The position clearly states it's a part time job that will last about 6 weeks and pays close to nothing.
People have been so desperate that they tell me they'll take anything and hopefully, once OZ sees what a great job they do, he'll keep them.

I know you think my heart is made of black stone but I feel horrible when I have to gently tell them he is an asshole of momentous proportions and is only letting me hire someone because I threatened to make him speak to all the attorneys.

His expectations for a six week period are ridiculous and I might be able to change his mind (I do have unbelievable powers of persuasion, if I want something I get it! Even if I have to put it on lay-away and just admire it from afar until it's mine. I don't know what that means) but I don't want to get their hopes up.

HOW FREAKIN DEPRESSING! FUCKING ECONOMY!

Okay, in order to stay sane and not cry in my cheerios, take a peek at the few nutters we got.

Candidate #7 Maxine:

I don't have any issues with Maxine since I probably will become her (one day in the very near future) but I really don't like the idea of working with another crabby old lady. Also, if you're going to an interview? How about you BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES? Is that too much to ask?

She wouldn't look me in the eye (or eyes because I do have two) and I caught her mumbling a couple of times. She got my blood pressure going and she wasn't even a part of The Bat Gang! Yet.

NEXT!

Candidate #9 Young High School Senior Overachiever:

He was a nice kid and I'm sure he would have been a great addition to Team Bee but he BLUSHED every time I asked him a question.

Imagine this scene.

Bee:
Young High School Senior Overachiever, can you please bring So-and-sos chart from upstairs?

Young High School Senior Overachiever [blushing]:
Sure! Where do I get the keys from?

Bee [blushing because for me it's contagious]:
In this drawer here.

My blood vessels just got back to normal from my partying days, I don't need my face to look like I've been attacked by 100 tiny people with paintball guns.

When I asked him what kind of after school activities he was in (in case OZ let him work after school) he right away said "I don't have a girlfriend."

-Um yeah, I'm... sorry?

Unfortunately, he could only work 4 weeks and I really need the full six so...

NEXT!

Contestant #13 Jessica Rabbit's Ugly Older Sister:

This lady came in wearing a red sleeveless knit blouse with her zipper at mid boobs!
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you're going to an interview where WOMEN will be the ones having to look at your cleavage, would you also wear blue eyeshadow? No, right? That might be just a little too tacky.

When Cowardly Lion gave her the job ap, she complained she didn't have a proper place to sit down to write, could she sit in our office and use an empty desk?

::sigh::

Me:
No, then my mystique when we interview her will be gone after she sees me banging at my keyboard because the "F" is stuck again.

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When we finally interviewed her and gave her a rundown of the menial tasks she would have to do, everything was "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE!" "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
The kicker was when I said she would have to hound attorneys to get them on the phone so I may speak with them, she responded "I CAN BE A REAL BITCH BECAUSE I USED TO WORK IN COLLECTIONS!"


My eardrums are pounding just thinking about her LOUDNESS.

After she left, we decided to hire a nice, quiet lady who was clean, wore a regular neckline and didn't YELL.

ΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦ

This weekend, we're going to see our Chicago transformed to Gotham City. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months and now the time has come. Why don't you guys go see it too so you can say "Bee has walked down that street full of weird looking clowns! She probably rode that train that just exploded!" It'll be a new bonding experience for us. ;o)

P.S.

To those that have e-mailed me regarding Humor-Blogs, please Do Not worry about it. We cool.

P.P.S

To that person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who sent me this e-mail:

"Dear Bee,
Your vajayjay only stays stretched out for a short time after you spit out a kid. And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway. XXX has that pee sneezing thing and she had c sections.

The More You Know

this was an informative information type ad
from,

XXXX XXXX"

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So, who asked ya'??

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Hey, here’s a new way to introduce me. “This is the lady with a birthmark on her inner thigh.”


The Bats were talking to some old dude at the reception area (I guess he used to work here 100 years ago). I came up to drop off some out going mail and Purple DinoSour turns to me and says,

“This is Twiddlywhogivesashit. [turns to him and says], this is Bianca, the one who doesn’t have children.”

Me [a little startled]:
Are you a door to door kid salesman?

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So this gave me the greatest idea! I will point to them and highlight something random throughout the day.

“This is PD, she’s the one that repeats things 5 times before she pretends to understand.”

“This is Scarecrow, she’s the one who shakes when she’s trying to stand still.”

“This is Milton, she’s the one GOD hasn’t figured out yet.”

“This is Cowardly Lion, she’s the one who likes to cry when she pees.”

WHY ON EARTH would someone tell a STRANGER I don’t have kids?


After the old dude left, I asked how the topic of my non deformed vajajay (sorry moms out there, I don’t mean you! also, I have no idea if it goes back to it’s original shape or what and I kind of don’t want to know) had arisen in their everyday conversation. I was really curious, you know, in case I’m ever confronted with this situation again.

PD:
Oh, he was asking if we’d heard from people who used to work here and we told him about you.

Me:
Okay, but how did you bring up my childlessness? Did you say it in a stage whisper like it was some horrible secret “The girl that works here DOESN’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN, SWORE SHE NEVER WOULD AND HAS PROMISED HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL!!”?

PD:
Don’t be silly! [Doris Day hair Marie Barone twin looking over her glasses at my silly ass]

Me:
WELL TELL ME HOW A PERFECT STRANGER KNOWS ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER PEE WHEN I SNEEZE!!!

PD:
Oh for heaven’s sake! [throws arms up in air and walks out of the room]

What do you guys think? Was I overreacting? Is it reasonable for me to want to know why/how my lack of procreation habits came up?


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Humor-Blogs

Meet the new (Black Canary) Barbie.

Where can I buy those boots?


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Some people see slut.
I see Dominatrix of the future.
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Who sat on my banana???

Well crap! I woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday and it’s only Wednesday!

Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Me forgetting what day of the week my body is living in??

I already have to sing-song my morning routine so that I don’t forget the crucial items that make my day full of sunshine and smiley faces. (Now remember, I start at 8:00 AM.)(Also, blogger is being a weenie head and not letting me post pictures so imagine a big clock at the top -CLOCK!-)

7:45-
Contacts Contacts Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

Contacts to be able to see, take the dogs outside for the last time before I leave.

7:55 AM-
Cont- MOCHA BARKING!! Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

This reminds me to bring them back INSIDE so that they are not left out in the sun like the wild beasts they really are.

7:58 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH BANANA WATER BANANA WATER LUNCH

Bring the dogs in and get my breakfast/lunch

8:00 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS

How many times have I locked myself out of the house thinking I had my keys? I’ll never TELL!

8:03 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Turn on Chili Palmer’s Light BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE

How many times have I walked out without my driver’s license because I forgot my purse? Let’s just say I must have 4 leaf clovers sprouting out of my ears because I've been lucky to evade the LONG ARM OF THE LAW!

8:05 AM-
BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR

I’ve only left the door open once…

8:08 AM-
KEYS KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR WORK WORK WORK WOR- Ooh what pretty flowers!

I tend to get distracted once I’m in my backyard and start checking this or that to make sure those damned squirrels are not killing my jalapeno pepper plants AND MY PETUNIAS! BASTARDS!

8:20 AM-
OH SHIT!! WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK

8:28 AM-
PUNCH IN PUNCH IN

Once I sit at my desk, I realize 2 things.

1) I forgot my LUNCH!
2) I forgot to put on my contacts and therefore am walking around the office with a busted up pair of eyeglasses I’ve been too lazy to superglue back to life!

Now, here I am, bouncing around the office with a skewed view of life.
(Picture a broken pair of stylish eye glasses without one of those ear holder thingamabobs)

I know what you’re thinking, it could be an improvement.

Luckily for me, there is a new mouth spray the FDA is testing for people with Alzheimer’s. They say it has the same effect as pot. A girl can only dream!

P.S.
You guys crack me up with your comments from Monday’s post! I’ll be posting some of the pranks I pull on her to get even.
You people are evil! And I wish you and I could meet for lunch!

LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH…


Humor-Blogs

Monday, July 14, 2008

What happens when you throw a sane person into an asylum?

So...

Monday was a 2 cups of coffee type of day.

I normally only drink one because more than that has me doing a
Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance routine under my desk.

It was also the day I realized that nothing surprises me anymore.

Not even seeing Milton walk into the office bathroom, see a new roll of TP, then dig thru the garbage can and get the discarded cardboard TP roll.

While I’m not surprised she did this disgusting thing (think about it, putting your bare hands in a bathroom garbage can where people dispose of used Kleenexes and lord knows what else!), I did wonder what posses someone to be so Obsessive Compulsive about recycling.

My worry is that, pretty soon, she will lose all grips on reality and instead of just picking up plastic bottles left in the parking lot, she'll be following bums around asking them if they're done with the bottle they just peed in so she can recycle it.

I appreciate the fact that she is singlehandedly making the world a better place for future slackers but maybe she should think about carrying some sort of biodegradable bio-hazard suit thing.

You!

The smart one reading this!

Can you invent one and send it over to our hero of the future please? I don't want her spreading her germs since she touches my stuff sometimes and it creeps me out!
If you don't believe she goes thru my desk, please see Exhibits A & B.


I went to lunch but set a little trap for her before I left. The scary part? I am torn on who gets the crazy prize in this case!
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Milton for acting like Milton or me for staging elaborate set ups to catch the recycling perp!
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Sunday, July 13, 2008

A rambling ♫musical♫ Sunday.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me.


He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"

Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)

Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding?

We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd recorded.
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I enjoyed the history lessons given to me by the Metal icons I worshipped in my youth (still do, if you want to know the truth). What I did NOT enjoy was seeing those same Metal icons old and decrepit.

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I did not enjoy Twisted Sister's front man, Dee Snider, showing me how he exercised his vocal chords by singing Ave Maria. His voice still rocks but he made my ears cringe with his Aaaave Maaarrrriiiiiiaaaa.

Speaking of weird, why is it that every time I hear Suzie Q by CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival, Brian!) I want to get up and do a go-go dance??
If I'm alone (the dogs don't count), I will, but if there is anybody else in the room, I just do a half body jam. (I wish I could tell you I look hot doing it but I just resemble Forest Gump dancing to Sweet Home Alabama.)

How much does John Fogerty rock?? One of my all time favorites is "Have you ever seen the rain?"






When I went to YouTube to embed this video, it pulled up related videos. Please click on this screen print and tell me WHAT the first one listed has in common with my beloved CCR!?!? (okay, for some reason you can't click on the picture but you can still make out the title)

I mean, yes, they screwed John Fogerty out of the songs HE wrote but I don't think they did it literally (I hope)!

How did I go from Metal to CCR? I decided to update my iTunes. So now you're going to be treated to the soundtrack of my Sunday.
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During our preparation of dinner, Regina Spektor and Alexz Johnson (AJ courtesy of brother Dan because he loves listening to teeny bopper music and METAL, he is sooo weird).
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I went to grill the meat while Andy made the rice and cornbread. I had to give him a pep talk on the whole cornbread making thing because the instructions on the box said to "grease a muffin pan" and he went to pieces because we don't have a muffin pan.
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I told him to pull it together! We are the Cor-Ruts and we DO NOT let small things like muffin pans defeat us! A casserole dish will just have to do!
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While I was outside grilling our pork chops to perfection, I was listening to the musical stylings of Bob Dylan thanks to neighbor Boomhauer and his posse of happy go lucky drunks.
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Our dinner music consisted of Maná with our conversation centered on talks of how big the pork chops were, how I was happy he didn't give up on the cornbread and how we would have leftovers for tomorrow. This is what happens after SEVEN LONG years of marriage.

A meal just tastes better with a side of grilled onions!MMMMMM SO kissable!

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Then he excused himself from kitchen duty and went back to his dungeon. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with my beloved husband.

Thankfully, he doesn't do this often otherwise I'd never get anything done! ;o)

Humor-Blogs, it's what's for dinner.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Seriously long freakin’ post in which I talk about Humor-Blogs. Read at your own risk!.

I’m a little disturbed today. No, I’m a lot disturbed today.

I know you’re not asking why but I’m going to tell you anyway because this here is my little space on this Earth that is 100% mine.


I don’t share it with Andy, the dogs, my mom, my family… well, I do share it, in that I let people in to see how my mind works but nobody else can barge in while I’m typing and announce they’re gonna take a shower so get off the pot already! TMI? Sorry.

Anyway, today I came to the realization that some people find it obnoxious when we ask you to click on Humor-Blogs to vote for us. Maybe it’s because they think we’re looking for an ego massage with a side of fries? I’m not really sure but I need to make one thing (or 10) clear.

I love it when you do click for me but I’m fine if you don’t. I’ll still breathe in and out and put my pants on 2 legs at a time (I have great balance)(I once slid on the balls of my feet [BALLS OF MY FEET] on ice for about 10 feet because I was wearing weather inappropriate boots but managed to maintain my upright position. I finally coasted to a stop with my butt bone intact). We will ask for your vote but it is entirely up to you if you do or not because there is this thing called FREE WILL.

The people that know me, know I’m an average chick with an above average ego that strokes itself. I’ve been through some real life shit in my REAL life and am confident in who I am because of it. I don't need any type of confirmations on how BAD ASS I AM. They are already deeply engraved in my person from my life experiences, some are physical scars others are emotional ones.

I was one of the popular chicks growing up. That is just the honest truth but it wasn’t because I put people down a-la Mean Girls or because I was a people pleaser. I was simply liked, I believe, because I wasn’t a crowd follower. I hung out with who I wanted based off of their personalities and not because they had a swimming pool or a car or whatever. I stuck up for people that were being picked on and I tried to help those I could. I basically haven’t changed much over the years. Well, except maybe my size but what can you do? I’ve discovered tons of great food along my path to self righteousness

When the new system at Humor-Blogs.com went up, I made jokes about not clicking for anybody and all H-B members for themselves. I might have been serious for one minute but then I read this blog or that blog which made me laugh and I voted for them because they’re funny. Not only are they funny but I like them too. If we are truly honest with each other here, the main reason for joining any group is for traffic. It doesn’t matter what our reasons for wanting that traffic are but it does please us to receive some praise on things we shoot out at the webisphere.

There are some blogs I don’t find amusing but you know what? I am only one person with one opinion. What do I know about what the proper formula for writing comedy is? Is there even one? IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, I really don’t think there is.


A simple sentence like “I'm writing this from Scotland, which isn't actually a different Nation (I'm typing this quietly so that they don't hear me)” will have me losing my shit and laughing but that doesn’t mean it’s going to amuse everybody.

I’m sure Brian is okay with that because he writes for himself (and probably because we pressured him into starting a blog but that’s another story). Nobody on this Earth can convince me he’s not funny.

How about this line “So, I’m making more of an effort to exercise more because The Wife is making me make more of an effort to exercise more.” This is from my brother Dan whom I always thought was one of the funniest people plopped on my planet to amuse me.

How about this chick, "Well today is tomorrow so we went back." Jean Knee makes me laugh just by saying "Hmmmm..."!


I don’t believe either one of them is following a humor writing formula but they still manage to make me (and others) laugh.

I know there is a certain technique to humor writing. I’ve read some blogs that employ it and succeed and others that take it too far and BORE ME. Would I say that to their face? No, because even though it bored me it might have given somebody else the laughing squirts.

There are people on H-B that are so off the wall, their titles ALONE have me in stitches "You are the wind beneath my shorts" (the rest of LOBO's post is funny too).

There are a bunch of other examples but I'm at work so I can't keep opening windows to get links and examples.

The reason I was irritated with “Caleb” is because he/she was being vindictive by voting negatively without reading my posts. If, after he/she read them, he/she decided I suck donkey balls, I'd invite him/her for ice cream at the local Diphtheria Queen, I mean Dairy Queen and we would walk out of there skipping and laughing. Or maybe I'd be laughing and he/she would be criticizing me for laughing. Good times would be had by all.

A sad face will not dock my paycheck (coming in to work late? well, I have to start paying OZ now), it will not make my husband love me less. It will not make me want to jump off of a 1 story office window.

Do I consider my blog a *humor blog*? Yes and no, I consider it to be humorous because there are somethings that might make you smile even if you don’t guffaw into your coffee but there is no online social groups called Humorous Sometimes Funny Blogs. If you start one, let me know and I’ll be on that bandwagon so fast it’ll tip over!.

My goal is for you to be amused by the shit that lands on my face. It’s okay to make fun of me or say “Damn it girl! That happened to me too! I was just walking around, minding my own business when a pigeon had a diarrhea attack on my shoulder!” or “Your husband crashed into your car? Maybe next time he'll get lucky and you'll be standing in front of it!”

Nobody can mock me better than I mock myself. You can try, but you won't be successful!

I want to be able to make fun of things that are trying to get me down so I can show the fuckers out there trying to screw with my head that I still have my sense of humor and they are failing in their quest to suck the life out of my soul! Those same fuckers don't read this blog but that's besides the point because it is technically disproving my point and who wants to point that out? Stop pointing your fingers dammit!

I don't consider myself a sell out because I link to Humor Blogs simply because it gets me MORE traffic. That's why I link to Alltop, BlogCatalog, BlogHer, BlogLog, Twitter, Tecnorati and if there are others I'm missing, please let me know so I can link to those too. I want to infect as many people in my short life time as I can.

If people look down their noses at me because they don't think I'm funny,

A) They're probably taller than I am
B) Have big noses
C) Are a bunch of fuckwads

But what the fuck do I know? I'm just a girl, that owns 2 dogs and a husband, sitting behind a desk, eating a (too spicy for my own good) Panera Bread sandwich, neglecting her work duties.

P.S.
I know this post kinda sounds like those fuckers DID get under my skin but I'm just trying to point out 'he without sin cast the first stone' or 'do onto others' or 'don't feed them after midnight'.


KARATE CHOP!!!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Suntanned Karate Chop Hand Coming to a Face Smack Near You...

Hey!
How’s it going? You guys good? You feeling happy and comfortable?
Do you have a nice wedge of cheese and some Tequila by your side ready to enjoy and get your cheesy booze on?

Good for you!

How am I, you ask.

Well, I’m not gonna lie to you.


I am angrier than a deformed flea who just got pissed on by a swamp rat! I don’t know what that means but it can't be pleasant.

I am so fucking pissed off I’m having difficulty keeping my Karate chop hand still! My very suntanned Karate chop hand! It just wants to jump up and beat the shit out of anybody stupid enough to cross my path!


DON’T CROSS MY FUCKIN’ PATH!!
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Sorry, I didn’t mean you.

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The moronic bats I work with are driving me to the brink of insanity and I can't afford to get any closer to the edge!!

Anyway, I’m going to try and contain my eruptions throughout this post but, if you all of a sudden see --EARFUCKER!!-- or some odd word where it is not called for, please blame my turrets (which, like Cartman, I wish I had... well, only the awesome random swearing, not the high pitched squeals or twitches).

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I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of cool bloggers since I started this here blog a year ago.
Some of you are as whacked out as I am and others are just along for the ride.
Probably taking bets to see when I will actually crack and my face will wind up on the 7 o’clock news announcing I have stolen all the paper, pencils, staples, folders, etc. from my office and am building a giant ship so that I can travel to all the ports along Lake Michigan (my aspirations are low).
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Some bloggers and I have more of a stalking relationship than others. You know who you are. Those that get e-mails from me saying stuff like “THIS MOFO NEEDS TO BE BITCHED SLAPPED AND I’M JUST THE BITCH TO DO IT!!” or “Tibet hasn’t been freed yet? I could have sworn… ?”

Yeah, real intellectual stuff right?

Today, I’d like to showcase one bloggy friend.

I’ve talked about her before, how I admire her wholesomeness, lack of swears and how she makes OLD MEN cry!

The pay off has been great because I’ve received things in the mail that make me giddy. Recently, Elastic (AKA Melissa my *kin*) sent me a nice little pick me up. Something that would make me laugh, cry, wonder why we live so far and still hope her man will be transferred to a city near me so that we can be BFFs, sitting-outside-the-Tastee-Freeze-with-our-nachos-making-fun-of-the-poor-fools-THAT-GET-IN-THE-WAY-OF-MY-KARATE-CHOP-SUNTANNED-HAND, in real life.

She knows me so well without actually having met me and now I have proof.



See pens? Uh-huh me likey!
See sox? Total Playgirl!


Here is the weird part. Do you see this pen with the girl in the scarlet dress and the flowing hair?

What would you say if I told you that 4 years ago.

I went to a Wizard World Comic Book Convention.

Stood in line outside to get into the Rosemont Horizon renamed Donald Duck Stephenson Conventions Center.

Got myself my little geek (temporary) pass.

Went inside.

Trolled all the little stalls.

Looked at women with massive boobs.

Got hit on by one said woman with massive boobs.

Looked at art from all kinds of peeps.

Finally bought a print I’ve been displaying proudly since.

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Did you just get chills from this awesome coincidence??
To top it off, her daughter was the one to find them and say "Oh my gooossshhhh, that is SO BEE!"!

Unfortunately my blog is rated R so I'm sure she's not allowed to read my thanks.

:o(
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Thank you my Elastic friend and her oldest daughter Sunbum!!
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Look at that, no turrets episodes. The savage beast is at peace.
(FOR HOW LONG?)

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Happy in marriage happy online. (OR REVERSED)

Oh my gawd you guys!!!

I just noticed one of my arms is darker than the other!

I know what you’re thinking “Big deal it happens to everybody!”

No. Not like this!

One arm looks like I’m Erik Estrada’s long lost sister (in his Ponch days) and the other one looks like I bought it off of Christina Ricci’s stolen appendages store (look for it on Ebay)!

Oh well. Enough melodrama.

I want to thank all of y’all rockin’ readers that voted for me at H-B. You guys are the monkey’s banana-ass!




Also, I feel like a total star cuz I got the FIRST EVER (in the history of H-B) SAD FACE from an asswipe by the name of “Caleb”. That makes me feel like Angelina Jolie’s better looking sister. So, even though Caleb is not his real name, his asshole-ness is real enough. (But I’m not bitter)
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FUCKER!

Moving on.
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I've been complaining to Andy about my laptop being s l o w for a while but he's been so busy saving the world from 3 legged Orcs that my issues have not been his top priority.


I got sick and tired of looking at porn blogs while the freakin' thing dragged so I told him, he fixes it or I leave him. Weirdly, this threat worked! Who knew he'd want me around?

Anyway, Andy and I make up the perfect couple. I'm savvy when it comes to html (sort of) and downloads and up loads and shit loads but he's good at maintaining viruses and spy stuff off our computers.

This was our conversation today:

Andy:
Bee! I want to send you a video, how do I do it?

Bee:
Embed it and email it to me.

Andy:
Wah??

Bee:
Click where it says embed. Hit copy. Open your e-mail. Why are you clicking on my name once and just staring? Either hit create or double click! Okay now type something and then click on the insert hyperlink. No, not there! There! Okay now control V. Okay send.
Easy right?
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Later, when he's diagnosing my laptop.
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Andy:
How many times have you defragglerocked the thrombosis?

Bee:
Dewhat the what now?

Andy:
You've got to dehootermuhfy the dagibagib.

Bee:
You know what? How about you just do it and we be done with it?
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What I'm trying to say is, I am now reading your blogs at the speed of light thanks to my defragglerockzation!




Later chivatos!
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Andy? Can I go to the movies with my sister? It starts at 9pm. Just Nancy and I. No, we're not going to a bar. Just a movie. We're going to see Get Smart. I know it'll let out late and it'll be passed my bedtime but- ... Oh come on! We're not gonna go trolling for dudes! She JUST had a baby and I'm kind of attached to you!
...

...
Hey!

Are you guys still here eavesdropping?? Go home already! (yes, he did *let* me go)

Monday, July 7, 2008

They can call me Popeye-ette. Like Smurfette only in fisherman language.


I felt like regurgitated dog shit on Sunday (I wish I could say it was from partying over the weekend but sadly it wasn't) so I spent my day indoors watching a Deadliest Catch marathon.

I was bragging to Andy telling him how I could be a fisherwoman*.
How I could haul those pods and bait them, then drop them back in, count out the pinchy crabbers with their long ass legs. I could withstand 20 foot waves and freezing temperatures. I definitely would be an ace at breaking ice off the rails and winches (I think that's a real thing).

Andy told me to go for it since it's seasonal and I can make tons of money while still keeping my job at the Asylum. He'd like to be a stay-at-home-husband with curlers in his hair and just emerge from his dungeon to use the bathroom.
I was going to start packing up my stuff and look up plane tickets -I WAS PUMPED!!- but then I remembered I have rusty-old-shoulder-syndrome that prevents me lifting anything over 15 lbs...

DAMNIT!! I really wanted to go!!

Oh well, it's probably for the best considering I get hysterical when I'm on a boat and can't see land.

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Okay. Some of you are wondering what is going on with Humor-Blogs. You're currently thinking "Bee, I want you to be on top but I'm not sure how to get you there!"

Well my compadres, I appreciate your support but there are a couple of glitches in your plan to propel me to super-stardom (don't worry, I'm already there IN MY HEAD).

First, you have to sign up for Humor-Blogs.
What? You don't have a blog and/or you don't want to add your blog to H-B? Don't worry my friends, you don't have to. Just sign up and click on the "Just want to rate blogs" thingamajig then you'll be half way there!

Next, you have to click on the laughing face just beneath the title of my post once you're at Humor-Blogs.
THE LAUGHING FACE.

If you click on the smiling one, your point will NOT count. It has to be the LAUGHING one. If you click on the sad face, you will be detracting points from me and I've already threatened people, world wide, on the foolishness of inciting my wrath.

Are you confused? Me too!
Voting for me is entirely up to you, I won't ban you if you don't. ;o)
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*Spellcheck is telling me there is no such thing as a fisherwoman but they are suggesting WASHERWOMAN... it figures that spellcheck would be a MAN!