Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Me: Uh, that computer isn’t hooked up to the internet so you won’t be able to register the software online.
Milton: I know the old one was able to be registered so I should be able to register this one!
Me: [was about to say maybe they registered it on installation but shrugs and bows out of the issue because I really don’t give a shit]
Then I hear her on the phone with tech support:
Milton: I am trying to register your software on your website but I keep getting error messages. [listens to tech support] Hold on, I’ll try that but the computer is on the other side of the room. I’ll be right back.
Because the computer is on the other side that’s how we role at the Asylum make everything difficult for everybody.
Me: Why don’t you pick up Cowardly Lion’s phone? It’s closer and you don’t have to be jumping back and forth.
Milton: Em well um I- no, this is fine.
She goes back to tech support and says:
Milton: Tried it but it still gives me the same error message. [listens] The message says [looks at a piece of paper where she wrote down the error message] “cannot locate internet connection. check your internet connection”. [listens] Okay, I’ll try that.
Gets up again and turns the computer this way and that. Pushes cables deep and tries again.
Milton: No, it still gives me the same message.
This goes on for a very very long time but finally:
Milton: Does it make a difference if this computer is not connected to the internet? … Hello? Hello? [I’m assuming the tech support person had to take a moment to compose themselves.] Why does it have to be connected to the internet? I’m not going to be doing anything online?
At that point I got up and took a walk around the building.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Me: … ::blink blink:: I’m sorry, what did I what for what?
Glynda: Mexican New Year. I read in the paper that it was Mexican New Year over the weekend.
Me: Uh, as far as I know Mexican New Year is still on January first but maybe I didn’t get the memo? [smiles to tell her I’m just kidding] I think you meant Mexican Independence Day but that’s today.
Glynda: [giving me a look that says I must be a part-time Mexican and not “all there”] I’m pretty sure they said it was MEXICAN NEW YEAR.
Me: Well, I guess I’ll have to check with my fellow Mexicans and update my Aztec calendar. [hangs head in shame] I wonder when the Mexican Independence Day will be celebrated now that we have moved our New Year [puts hand on chin to imply deep thought] will my birthday be in the same month! I need to call a meeting!
Glynda: So I guess you’re mocking me?
Me: Maybe just a little.
OZ is off today which is awesome for many reasons but mostly because he’s taking his douchiness on the road but also because this means no patients. Or so we thought until a stray one walked in who thought his appointment was today. He also happened to be a Spanish speaker which does not say much for “my people” because I already dropped the ball on the whole Mexican New Year thing so I went up to the front desk to tell him he was here on the wrong day and then he creeped me out because he started hitting on me!
I came back to my desk and told Milton how this old dude had hit on me all creepy-like.
Me: You know, I try to help people out and this is how they repay me!
Milton: Well I think it’s flattering.
Me: Noooooo the dude is like forty!
Milton: Well that’s not too old—
Me: Uh-huh! I just looked up his age and he’s 42! OLD! Ick!
Milton: [stands by my desk and gently asks] How old are you going to be this year?
Me: Thirty- [complete and utter horror at the HOLY SHIT realization] -NINE! Aw man! I’m old too!
Where did the years go? Where?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
This left me with no other choice than to look for a new female doctor cuz I was not going to let the MALE doctor that took over the grandmotherly Polish woman’s practice see my wobbly bits (especially because I was tricked into going there to get a refill on my blood pressure pills and he was all “next time you come in, I’m gonna feel your breasts” oh hell no!)… where was I? I forgot why I even brought this up… Oh right! I remember.
I was not prepared for the shit-ton of questions I was asked by 2 different people! I felt like I was caught smuggling kittens in my nostrils and they were trying to get to the bottom of why.
“Do you drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis?”
They give me a look that says they’re on to my shenanigans “By regular we mean 2-3 times a week”
Now I get a look that says they don’t believe me because how else would I get through life? “Once a week? Twice a month?”
“More like one Mojito once every 6 months… My father is an alcoholic so I more or less have an aversion to liquor”
Busily type-type-type-typing while giving me sideways glances. “O-KAAAAY. I’ll just enter “socially”—“
“No. I do not drink socially. I do not consume alcoholic beverages at social events or with friends or family or picnics with my dogs. I do not drink regularly. Having 2 Mojitos a year is not in anyway considered a “social drinker”.”
I had to go through this twice. Once with the physician’s assistant and then again with the doctor. Why is it so hard to believe that there are some people who are just not interested in alcoholic beverages? As of this very moment in time, I have had one half of a beer and a pina colada I shared with Andy and it’s what? September? I honestly would rather have water or green tea or anything else that doesn’t taste like rubbing alcohol.
I think next time I’ll just say “Do I drink? I’m drunk right now, bitches!” and they’ll probably accept that as truth faster than you can say “belly shots”.
I don’t think my answer mattered one bit because they were just going to type whatever the fuck they thought was “the norm”. Goes to show how much they really know because they measured my height and told me I’m only 5 feet one and a half inches when the whole world can clearly see that I am FIVE FEET TWO INCHES TALL!
They also took my blood and made me give them a urine sample. I’m assuming they’re going to test me for rabies…
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
August is hard because it is Milton’s birthday month.
Every year we have to go through a series of polls and questionnaires provided by Milton and after we’ve answered everything to her satisfaction, she inputs the info in her Miltonwasteoftime Machine and buys the cake according to that information.
This year, however, we were all taken by surprise when she announced at morning meeting that instead of cake she was bringing bagels. There was a moment of stunned silence because nobody knows how to react to a change in routine (especially when it’s coming from Milton who is the Queen of all OCD routines) but I managed to squeak out an “awesome!” so that we could move on and not stand around staring at the wormhole that just appeared before us.
As the day grew closer to her Bagel Celebration, she kept asking me people if they would be at work on Thursday day of the lord the 18th because she wanted everybody to partake in cheesy bagels. Everybody reassured her that they would not be taking a vacation day so life ran smoothly, or as smooth as life can run when you work in a nuthouse, until this morning.
Cowardly Lion (to me): Can you give me direction on this issue? I want to get it done so I don’t have to worry about it because I’m taking tomorrow off.
Me: — [gets interrupted by a maniac]
Milton [jumps put of her chair]: BUT I TOLD EVERYBODY TOMORROW IS BAGEL DAY!
CL [taken aback and grabbing on to the back of my chair]: Oh. Yeah, I forgot.
Milton [relieved]: Okay, so you’ll be here, right?
CL [almost crawling on my lap]: No. I need to do something—
Milton: BUT IT’S BAGEL DAY! I GAVE EVERYBODY ENOUGH WARNING!
Milton [face red, cheeks puffing]: I WAS PLANNING ON BUYING A BAKER’S DOZEN! HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK NOW? CAN YOU RESCHEDULE YOUR DAY OFF??
CL: No! I can eat my bagel on Friday! It’s just a bagel!
Oh lord. Knowing Milton as well as I do I knew that was the wrong thing to say because bagels are sacred to dear old Milton.
Milton: BUT IT’S BAGEL DAY! WE DON’T GET THOSE OFTEN ANYMORE! [and then she went into a weird quiet trance] I guess I can wrap it up for her in plastic wrap. Maybe I’ll put it in a bag too so it doesn’t get hard. [walks back to her desk muttering under her breath] gobbledegook bagel day…
In the meantime, CL is scratching at my sweater and I’m trying to pretend I’m in Hawaii.
I just found out a moment before I hit publish that CL will only be taking a half a day vacation so she'll be here in the morning for bagels. Ladies and gents, I wish I was making this up.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Me to myself “Okay, Bee, today is Tuesday. You got through Monday without any threats to first degree homicide anybody so you can get through Tuesday! You can do it! You can do it! YOU CAN DO IT!!”
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Me: Uh, I haven't moved from this spot in an hour. Unless it has tiny little legs and a map, I don't see how it could have made its way to my desk.
Milton: I know I keep asking you but I'm hoping you'll surprise me.
So I get up, grab a BRAND NEW PENCIL FROM THE SPECIAL SUPPLY CABINET, sharpen it and say:
Me: Here's a NEW AND IMPROVED PENCIL. SURPRISE!!
Milton: Very funny but I need MY pencil.
And people wonder why I nicknamed her Milton from Office Space...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Ironically, even though everything will be complimentary, we've spent quite a few Thomas Jeffersons preparing for this event. Andy and I got haircuts, I tortured a poor lady by making her give me a mani-pedi, my car needed professional washing since it hadn't been washed thoroughly since before the time my mom left a package of chicken breast in the trunk for 5 days. IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. Lucky for me, I already had the perfect shoes to wear.
This was supposed to be posted on 7/15/11 but I guess my shoes were too hot for blogger!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
When we walked passed them, we overheard her yelling at him about something he had done and once we got inside Costco this happened:
Andy: Wow! She's really yelling at him! And he will put up with it, you know why?
Me: Because she's hot?
Andy: Yep. Only reason.
Me: Then why do you put up with me yelling at you?
Andy: [silence, silence, silence] Because you're my girl.
Wincing and saying ouchie because that was a bad blow to the ego or being happy at the progress a marriage has made because 2 years ago the response would have been "I have too because we're married".
I went with the latter. I have no delusions of hotness. After all, here I sit with my chicken sheared bangs and eyebrows that haven't been plucked since before my sister had Isabella 3 years ago (hint hint NANCY!). I mean, sure, women all over want to think their husbands find them hot but I've come to accept that I'm not Andy's type (took a while but I did it! Yay me!) it's a surprise to me we even made it through our "courtship" phase. Which I guess is also something to take comfort in since we've made it this far.
Two years ago he would have just said whatever came into his head instead of thinking about the best answer that wouldn't leave a trail of hurt feelings behind. It's not that I blame him for his lack of sensitivity because that is what he was raised with, I submit this conversation we had over dinner with his parents as evidence:
Andy's Dad: … and so I told Jim, you have to look for a girl that's going to be good for you. It doesn't matter if she's pretty or not. [then says to me] He has dated a lot of lookers but it can't always be about being attractive. No offense, Bee… not to say that you're ugly.
I almost choked on my corn! I guess I should be thankful for having people around me that keep me grounded! "with friends like those, who needs enemies"? ::wonk wonk!:: [squeezes clown nose for joke emphasis]
Anyway, I got a warm fuzzy feeling from his answer. I think this goes to show that I have made some progress too. Instead of internalizing comments like that and lashing out in resentment, I can now shrug it off and write a passive aggressive post about it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Me to Milton: Ick! My purse smells like rotten mango!
Milton: What? It smells like what?
Me: Rotten mango.
Milton (horrified): Why would it smell like that?
Me: Because I put it in there a couple days ago and forgot about it.
Milton (face ashen white and looking puke-y): Why would you do that? Why? Unless I'm confused about what 'mangoo' means?
Me: … … … I said MANGO not MANGOO … MANGO!
Milton (looking relieved): Oh! Okay! That makes sense! Rotten MANGO! I was wondering if 'mangoo' was slang for—
Me: No! Let's just... let's just … I don't know what to say right now so I'm just going to pretend this conversation never took place.
::lays on floor in fetal position chanting hymns::
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
So yeah. The storm that went through here last night has left the Beehive without working light switches.
I have come to the sad conclusion that this face [pointing at my face] needs all the hair on it it can take without being confused with Yosemite Sam. Mine is the face that needs to be hidden behind a curtain for what we shall call "the mysterious look". Right now I feel naked and people are actually able to see my eye-rolls and my mimicking of their asinine comments with my sarcastic lip movement. ::sigh::
I went on the Com Ed website and they are telling me that it could be days before they restore power to all customers and so I immediately thought about the meat we bought on sale so we could, you know, save money. Now I'm gonna have to hold a food drive where I cook all the food on the grill and then charge the neighbors money to eat it. I suppose I could give it away but then they might follow me around the neighborhood like stray animals and maybe even want me to pet them.
Glynda said to me this morning "well, at least you're lucky enough to be able to come to work where we have air conditioning!" Yeah. I feel really effing lucky right now! How about you take your positive attitude and go lecture some sharks while wearing a meat suit I'll make for you from my thawed out freezer? Fucking hippies!
I am aware things could have been worse and it's not like I gave her my power outage news with a tear and I frown-y face. I said it with a carefree shrug of the shoulders that implied I was a cool cat on top of hill full of catnip.
As I was typing this, I found out OZ also was without power but it has now been restored. Hmmm! Maybe I need to move to a rich gated community because those wheels get greased way faster than down here at plebeian-ville.
Kidding. I know how hard the restorers of light work. They were probably out all night in dangerous conditions. I heart you Com Ed guys! I'm sure we were just overlooked! If you need my address, facebook me! ;o)
Also, what I most regret, is not eating the Edy's Drumstick Ice Cream we bought over the weekend. I remembered last night, as I was getting eaten alive by a family of mosquitoes that decided to picnic on my head, neck and arms (I'm sure Glynda the sugarwitch would say that it's because I'm so sweet. Up yours Glynda!), and then I couldn't sleep because I was honestly debating whether I should get up, grab a spoon and eat it while I sat in my dark living room but I walked away from the light and counted bug bites instead.
Glynda just came in and asked me if my shower was working. I said "Yeeees. Why? Do I smell?" and she said no but since my power was out… and I had to think for a minute, because I'm becoming one of them, and then I said, as far as I know, my plumbing isn't powered by electricity. She tossed her pageboy hair and went back on her airship.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I wasn’t put on this Earth to let people walk all over me with their bare feet OR shit covered shoes.
It's been one of those days and I'm so very tired of having one of those days.
To lighten the mood, here is a Milton story:
Milton: I found a paperclip by your desk. [gives me paperclip]
Me: Oh, um okay. Thanks.
Milton: You want to make sure you look around your desk before you leave because the cleaning crew will just throw them away.
Me: I'll try to remember.
Milton: You know, I'll just make a note to check your area before I leave. Just to be sure.
Me: ::sigh:: will you get mad if I say I don't care?
Milton: But the cleaning crew will throw them away!
Me: If I promise never to let a paperclip slip from my fingers, will you leave me alone?
Milton [rolls her eyes]: I'll just make sure to check your area before I leave.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Scarecrow to Me: When I run out of Vicodin, I pour water in the bottle the pills came in and drink it. You'd be surprised how much pill dust is still in there!
Me: ::blink blink:: I think you have a problem.
Scarecrow: I don't! It's not like I'm pouring Gin in there!— BWAHAHAHA! I think I just invented a new shot!
Nope. She definitely doesn't have a problem.
Monday, June 6, 2011
J-Lo's "music" is equal to one million tiny unicorns inside your head stabbing your brain with their tiny headhorns.
"Just because I am playing the role of SELENA or RAY CHARLES*, this does not mean that I myself possess the talents that they did so I will never ever subject the world to my autotuningoversynthesizedstudiomonotone singing under penalty of repeated slapping to the face. Amen"
Unfortunately for the world, we have already been subjected to many vocal disasters from actors who think they can cross over to the harmonious side because of this pesky thing we call freedom to do as you please as long as you are not breaking the law but by them putting out these compilations of horror, they are murdering my eardrums and maybe even the music industry because every Tom, Dick and Sylvester Stallone will think they can sing and when will enough be enough? Sylvester Stallone isn't even a good actor!
As a matter of fact, I think we as human beings have the responsibility to form some sort of coalition or maybe sign a petition that will keep radio stations, TV stations, internet sites and whatever other media that will be invented in the future, from playing their music.
But on the other hand, your ears are bleeding from J-Lo's monotonous bleating where she declares that "Tonight we gon' be it on the floor Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala" (and she sings it just like it is written, with no harmony what's so ever)(What are my qualifications for judging her "talent"? Years and years of listening to music that's what!).
I would rather avoid the whole ordeal and just have her music banned for the sake of mankind soooo…
Since I believe myself to be a fighter of all causes that don't really need to be fought, I am starting an online petition here (of course, since I myself do not possess any internet talents, the actual petition is really just a Facebook page where you can leave comments):
People can go there and vent about other "singers" that need to be banned from the airwaves so that our auditory senses don't disappear and leave us standing around like goldfish staring vacantly at murky glass while our mouths go like this (picture me opening my mouth and closing it goldfish style) and waiting for the time where we will be mercifully flushed down the toilet.
I know some of you are going to tell me that there have been some actors that were able to make the transition successfully and some others will point out that there are singers who become actors so why am I picking on just one group. Well, first of all, cause I want too. And second of all, movies are not forced upon me randomly while typing away at my computer or showering or having ::wink wink:: time. Since I listen to the radio all day at work, while I'm getting ready for work and while I'm trying to fall asleep, I feel I have the right to bitch and moan about it as I please. So there!
Friday, June 3, 2011
I hate it when people call me and ask for directions to get to our office. In this day and age of GPS and the internet, I feel like it's not my responsibility to draw somebody an imaginary map. Especially since they always ask shit like "are you on the east or west side of the street?" At that moment in time I think "Listen, dipshit, if you know where east and west are located, that's more than I know so how about you just look for the sign that says 'Arkham Asylum' once you are on the freakin street??"
::sigh:: I should just stop answering my phone.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
So, yeah. I am going to make a badge that says “I survived my 10th year anniversary!” because it was that off the hook, yo! What is the secret to my success? I’ve found that if you make a list of the things you want to accomplish on special occasions, you get through them with only minimal injuries.
Early in the morning:
1- Go to Walmart and pick up blood pressure meds along with toothpaste.
2- Go to Petco to buy special dog food for Mocha (and Tazz).
Sure, it may not sound very exciting to you but it was to us. Especially when the Petco guy tried to sell us a $57 bag of dog food. Was it that expensive because it had cats as one of the ingredients? Nope. The guy said this dog food didn’t have any chicken beaks or cow tails in it and I was like, well, if I was feeding babies instead of dogs, I guess that would matter to me but if Andy eats that stuff in hot dogs, my dogs are not going to get any special treatment.
4- Get ready for night out
When we got home after running our errands, I started my beautifying treatment of showering and shellacking make up and hair spray so that I would look somewhat respectable. As I was attempting to put on my first set of eyelashes, Andy knocked on the bathroom door and asked “how’s it going in there?” and so I jumped because I was not expecting to be rushed on the one day I was actually trying to look presentable so the eyelash glued itself to an awkward part of my lid.
Well damn! I didn’t have time for corrections since the husband was obviously impatient so I brushed my bangs over my eye hoping a strong gust of wind wouldn’t reveal my freak-show-ness and finished up my primping.
5- Go to Wildfire
We had a great time at Wildfire. I was tempted to have a few cocktails but, unfortunately for Andy, I become a douchebag when I’ve been drinking (it seems I push the limits of a joke because I think I’m being playful at which point Andy becomes irritated and I ruin evenings) so I decided to only have ONE very delicious mojito.
6- Go to IKEA to pick up bookcase and maybe picture frame
After a scrumptious meal at Wildfire, we went to IKEA to pick up a bookcase for my sister but we hadn’t realized how uncomfortable we would be walking through that ginourmous store, me with my high heeled boots and Andy with his overindulged belly, so we made a quick exit once we found what we needed.
7- Drop off bookcase
After IKEA we dropped off the bookcase at my sister’s house and stayed for a little bit to play “hoops on your arms” with my 2 year old niece. So cute!
8- Go home
Then we went home where Andy went on his computer and I watched SAW with brother-in-law Jim.
9- Go to sleep
10:30 whoowee! I was pooped due to all the excitement of the day! I left Andy to his ORC killing and went to bed where I dreamt of Mojitos on high shelves.
Do you think the celebrating of our 10th anniversary ended there? Well you’re wrong! The next day we went to the Botanic Gardens for a nice long walk. After that we did our grocery shopping so Andy could cook a nice romantic dinner for me since Sundays are brother-in-law Jim’s nights to go out. Much to our surprise, he decided to stay in that night so Andy’s romantic dinner for TWO became a dinner for TWO PLUS ONE. After dinner Andy went on his computer and brother-in-law Jim and I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose and then a documentary called ‘Chicago by Boat’ on PBS.
The weekend’s excitement finally got to me so I went to bed and left Andy killing more ORCs. I couldn’t wait to go back to work so that I could have peace and quiet with a side order of relaxation. My old body cannot take all this exhilaration. I really hope our 20th anniversary is a little more tame because I will be a whole decade older and I’d really hate to break a hip.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
You just have to ignore the smell, scrape off the mold and wash it down with wine. What am I talking about? Mine and Andy’s 10 year anniversary of course!
I know. I can’t believe we have withstood floods, droughts, head butts (I headed butted him once when we were dating), pets, family members (kidding)(maybe) and pretty much every unreasonable mood swing known to mankind.
At this very moment, he is yelling his head off at the TV because he thinks the men refereeing the Bulls game can hear him and I have to admit to not finding him very pleasant right now but then he will have to put up with all the shopping I’ll be doing at IKEA later today so I guess we’ll be even Steven. Fast forwarding the unpleasant moments to when you have dessert at the end of the day is what marriage is all about, people.
It’s been a tough year for us… well, a tough couple of years really, but we’ve managed to be all kinds of cliché and weather all storms. We’re like those new fangled deck materials that won’t dry up and blister even after being hammered by hail or burned by the sun. Yep. Old cheese and decking material is what we are.
We shall celebrate by going to Wildfire for a nice steak, then some shopping and then we will come home and watch some TV. Just me, him and brother-in-law Jim. Very romantic!
Well, it’s time for me to go take a shower so that I can get away from the crossfire because apparently the referees are all being bribed to make the Bulls lose and my ears are beginning to bleed from the yelling.
Happy Anniversary, Andy! And many more!
I call this “Day of proposal”
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So, yesterday was a quiet day at the Asylum. OZ is on vaca which means no Tinman, patients or URGENT ISSUES THAT NEED TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF YESTERDAY. Cowardly Lion took a vacation day too so it was just Milton, Glynda, Scarecrow and I in the office. I didn’t think anything could possibly go wrong or “Asylum-y” because how much can happen when there are only FOUR people in the office?
Me: So, instead of having free coffee that doesn’t involve me leaving the office, you want me to trudge through the mud and pay for my coffee? No. I think I’ll go with option easy and have the office coffee. I can make the coffee if it’s too much trouble!
Me: Uh, can you just make 4 cups instead of 12?
… in the meantime, I had written down a big number *ONE* on a piece of paper and was waiting patiently for her to turn around…
I flashed her the big number ONE I had written down.
Me: you didn’t give me a chance!
Me: Will you make all 4 cups if I promise to lick every single drop out of the coffee pot? Even the condensation from the steam on the top of the machine?
Me: I’ll even squeeze all the liquid out of the coffee grounds.
I’ll be honest, at that point, I was over the need for coffee since I had just gotten my Asylum wake up call. What I really wanted was a big steaming cup of GETMETHEHELLOUTTAHERE!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
According to research*, all Venus needs is big boobs and Mars will follow her even if she has 3 nostrils and no teeth.
“The other day”, I was watching Legally Blond while Andy was on is computer, as I’ve mentioned before, his computer is now in the common area because his brother moved in with us. Remember him? The new guy I have to be constantly picking up after? Oh yeah, did I mention he’s 29?? BUT I’M NOT BITTER!!
As I was watching one of my favorite movies of all time (for reasons I still don’t understand)(why it’s my favorite movie, I mean), the scene where Reese Witherspoon is getting a manicure came on and Andy yelled out “Oh Stifler’s Mom, what has become of you!” and he sounded sad.
So I said '”what are you talking about? She looks the same!” and then Andy came to her defense in a manner I’ve never seen him come to my defense like ever.
“No way, Bee! She was hot!”
Me: Uh, no. She never was. She had big boobs but she looks the same as always.
Andy: You know what? Women can’t admit when another woman is hot.
Me: I disagree.
Andy: You know what, if you had a penis you would understand.
Oh. Okay. This is Stifler’s mom back when she was “hot”
All I see is big boobs and botox… but then again, I don’t have the intelligent, magical penis that enlightens all.
I just saw a commercial for Hooters on my TV. Ladies, we have to take control! We are making great progress when it comes to movies
but why is it that all the men in commercials have beer guts and look like Don Rickles.
I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he’s definitely not they type of guy I dream of (see picture above the Rickles dude). I’m not saying they should remove the hot chicks from commercials but I’d like some equality, please.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
(That’s how all my posts are going to start when I’m gonna write about something that happened a while ago.)
So, the other day I walked my niece Natalia to school and took Mocha with me. As some of you may know, our dogs are not what the snooty Dog Show people would call classically beautiful
Tazz looking high:
Mocha looking like she was cross bread with a bear and a ferret:
But they’re our 2 little freaks and we love ‘em. This means that nobody else can talk smack about them without angering the beast within me. Which brings me to “the other day’.
As we walked through the school playground, a group of what I can only assuming are 5th graders (because they were bigger than a bread box) came to check out the doggie. I was met “Awws” and “here doggie” but then I heard one of the little shits say (sorry, I’m not a kid person) “Ewww! What an ugly dog!” and so I got closer and asked the group “Would you guys like to pet her?” and they all came over and petted her but when the obnoxious, no good, bad seed, bent down to pet her, I pointed at him, shook my finger and said, “Not you. You said she was ugly.” and he looked at me with his little beedy eyes and then ran off.
Now I ask ya’ do I give new meaning to the phrase “Stranger danger”?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hi. My name is Bee and it’s been about a month and somethin’ since my last post.
You know what my problem is? I want to be all cool and smooth in my posts and then I read them and then I think “LAME” and scrap the whole thing. I’m gonna go old school this time around and just sit here, type and see what happens.
Oh yeah, my blog was sort of hacked while on hiatus and since I’m as clueless as a penguin changing a diaper when it comes to THE CODE, the few of you reading this will have to bear with me.
Also, the other day I was about to eat a banana (mind out of the gutter, people!) when I noticed it had a little sticker I didn’t recognize (being a connoisseur of the Chiquita bananas, I notice these things) I looked closely and saw it was an ad for the movie Rio.
What’s next? Vampire movies are gonna advertise on tampons?
Okay, I guess that’s enough for today.