Is that bird mocking me??? I'll clip its pecker!

Hope you enjoyed your Cinco, I know I did (Do you see that Crazy Ez? THAT IS A CORONA!)

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So…

I’m trying something new where I’m always on time for work. I know what you're thinking "What? Shouldn't you be at work on time?" For which I answer "You live your life your way, THE UNFUN WAY and I'll live my life my way, THE COOL GIRLS ARE NEVER ON TIME way'

So far, out of the 4 days I’ve attempted this drastic change to my natural habit of always being late, I’m 0 for 4.

I get up reasonably early at 6:40. I start at 8 and it takes me 5 minutes to get to work. How can this be such an impossibility for me?? I should be able to shower, change, lacquer my face, style my hair, take the dogs out, grab my lunch, bring the dogs inside and leave! I know there are working moms out there that have to do way more than that and manage to be at work on time! What is my malfunction??

I really want to know!

Don’t tell me to wake up at an ungodly hour like 6:15 or something foolish because I’ve tried that! The earlier I’ve gotten up the more things I think I can do before I leave for work.

This morning alone is a perfect example. When I finished doing all that goes along in perfecting my look, I looked at the time and it was 7:50- perfect! I ran out of the bathroom, took the dogs out, grabbed my lunch stuff, went to get the dogs but Mocha was too busy chasing a friggin bird! I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to chase an unruly dog around in heels trying not to scuff ‘em but it’s:
a) not a pretty sight
b) nearly impossible to catch the wiley little bitch when she thinks you’re playing c) sad that you’re cool shoes are now wet from the dew (I hope it was dew and not dog piss !!! )

I don’t know about you but I’m not used to birds teasing my pets. For a minute there, I thought I might be in a cartoon where the bird is the hero and we (the damn nutty dog and I) are the screw up chumps!

NEEDLESS TO SAY!! I punched in at 8:12. Not too bad I guess since my worst time is 8:47 but my best time in those 4 days was 8:06. I'll try again tomorrow…

When I got to work and was discussing with Glynda some of the business from the Friday meeting (she seems to be over my little power coupe) she mentioned she’d been watching Zorro and realized I look like Catherine Zeta Jones.

First my face went like this (picture it mouth open and shocked)

Next my face went like this (picture it blushing, we have established I blush at the drop of a penny)

Then my face went like this (picture it skeptical, raised eyebrows looking exceptionally quizzically)

Lastly my face went like this (picture it nodding in understanding)

I think she needs glasses. It’s about that time for her when her eyesight goes all wonky. The reason I know this is because if I did have a double, it would be Drew Barrymore since that's what the Internet gods told me but you be the judge.

EXCEPT DAN! He has always said I look like Lars Ulrich when his hair was long. I remember the first time he said that to me. We were sitting in the food court at Lincolnwood Mall and he had just bought their new CD. You see how much it traumatized me?? I remember every detail! I cried into my pillow that night. I cried because of the meanness that surrounds my noble soul when all it desires is goodwill to all mankind!!

Anyway, here you go:





P.S.

I'm always on time for fun stuff. Movies, free food, free booze. FIRST ONE THERE!


P.P.S.
I personally don't think I look like any of them and am my own unique person. Okay, maybe I do look like Lars. (picture my face sad and crying... again) I'll stop if you click on Humor-Blogs for me!

Brian reviews METALLICA! Enter Sandman.

Okay, you guys will be shocked by Brian's review this week. I know I was. But then I wasn't because Metallica rocks. Although I wish they would stop being such bitches about their music and post videos on youtube already. I think it's cool exposing Brian to " "new" " music. And also, Metallica has never sounded so classy... or delicious.

Here we go:

The aptly named Metallica are like Ludwig Van Beethoven. Beethoven's music sounded crap on the latest pianos of his day. Of course, this wasn't a problem for him due to his deafness, but it led to vast improvements in piano technology.

Similarly, Metallica's brand of music must have sounded rubbish on the amplification equipment being used by the likes of the Commodores, not to mention law enforcement agencies, and so much more heavy duty amps and speakers were needed. Though, like Beethoven, I suspect that the Metallica musicians might be going deaf by now.

Metallica are a thrash metal band. This is apparently a subgenre of heavy metal. Heavy metal became popular in the 1970s when the music industry was facing a huge problem. Air time on the radio was vital to their sales, but as more and more people drove everywhere it was realised that they couldn't actually hear the music over the low frequency roar of their engines. Heavy metal changed all that. Now people couldn't hear their engines and kept stalling, which is why Americans switched to driving automatics.

If you want another comparison with classical music (of course you do), then I'd say that Metallica are like Johann Sebastian Bach. Bach was an organist, which meant that he sat there dwarfed by all the massive pipes and made loud music that wasn't exactly to everyone's taste, in a church full of devout worshippers.

The worshippers at the Church of Metallica are all clearly having a great time. It must take a huge amount of charisma, not to mention guts, to stand there, like  cathedral organist, dwarfed by the enormity of their sound systems, not to mention the crowd.

The performance has almost everything. Pyrotechnics, the all-important drum beat, noise, and (I'm told) heartfelt lyrics, though I couldn't make out a word of them. I was very disappointed that they didn't smash up their guitars - that was the bit I was really looking forward to.

Listening to Metallica reminded me of eating curry. At one extreme you get the easy-to-eat but unexiting Korma, and at the other there's no flavour - just relentless painful heat. Or in the case of Metallica the relentless harsh noise. Enter Sandman was a bit too harsh for my taste, and as usual I preferred some of their other songs. But there's something addictive about the heat in a spicy curry, and I found the same thing with this music. I don't think I'd want to risk damaging my hearing by going to a concert, but I was absolutely astounded to find that I enjoyed it.

Metallica are like Wagner. Their music is better than it sounds. Actually, I preferred their music to Wagner's. I'm almost tempted to buy a CD.

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There you have it Metallica fans, Brian's seal of approval.

Stay tune tomorrow for a Bee epiphany where I thank the Jehovah's Witnesses. You read that right.

P.S.

Also, thanks for the suggestions on my "About Me" and no Dan, I shall not blog about me pulling a knife on some guys! Jeez this here is a friendly blog! Sort of. I went over to read John J Savo, The Authoring Auctioneer's Mission Statement and I have to say, if I didn't already admire his skills, I'd be a convert. You must go see what I'm talking about because the man can spin the written word.

P.P.S.

Thanks to James Hetfield (back then not now), I am going to grow my hair out again and hopefully not look like Lars (DAN!!)

“I don't like compliments, and I don't see why a man should think he is pleasing a woman enormously when he says to her a whole heap of things that he doesn't mean”- Oscar Wilde

I don't know if you know this about me but I hate compliments. Wait. Before you go thinking that I really do like compliments but I'm just trying to fool you with my false modesty you could not be more judgmental and wrong.

I wasn't one of those spoiled people that had constant praise growing up. "Good job going poopsie in the potty, honey!" It was more like threats. "If you don't figure out the toilet ASAP I'm going to be make you change your own diaper!"

Which is cool because that's how I became *Bee the Intimidator* and gives me a license to wear a cape (I don't though because that would be pretentious). It also helped me not become one of those bleeding heart chicks who take offense when somebody tells them they look like Lars Ulrich. Okay, that one did hurt a little but it's only because I wanted to look like James Hetfield instead.

Anyway, now, as a semi-formed adult (who knows how to use the potty), anytime someone says to me "you look nice today" I always respond with "how did I look yesterday that you have to point out I look nice today? was it the lack of make up and drool on my chin? what? tell me!" because that's how you get people to STOP complimenting you on your appearance. Seriously. I have a mirror. I know when I'm looking fiiiine (which is only on like the 7th day of the 7th month at 9:07 am)!

I usually can get away with saying stuff like that to the ladies but I can't respond that way to OZ because he might get a little upset and decide it's time to replace me with a leaky fire hydrant.

A long time ago, he complimented my outfit and I fuckin bowed! A full on, half body bow! Like some ancient spirit of a geisha entered my body and bent me forward to show my appreciation to OZ-san. I was unbelievably embarrassed and I'm sure my face was maroon in it's blushiness but I played it off like 'yeah, man. I'm always bowing like this because I'm cool like that' I then told the story to my family at some gathering or another and I was the butt of jokes for a few days. I knew I had to excise that bizarre reaction from my 'thank you' repartee.

Recently, OZ has gotten it into this weird habit of complimenting me not only on my appearance but character, work habits and all around great attitude (because I do have a great attitude you jerks!). So now, my knee-jerk reaction is to bow but I half stop myself so it looks like I'm nodding my head regally as if to say 'I agree with you, peasant' but I still feel like an asshole.

This is where you come in. What would be an appropriate response when someone gives you a compliment (besides saying 'thank you', I mean) without having to resort to curtseying? I really don't want him to think his compliments make my day either because, in reality, they make me want to go home and burn whatever article of clothing I was wearing and never smile again. It has to be something that would say "umm thanks but Id rather you kept your comments to yourself" with a side of "you arrogant windbag!" I know it's a difficult task I've given you but I have faith in you sarcasm/smartassness.

P.S.
I don't need you to point out how creepy OZ is because I'm not a halfwit and have discovered this fact on my own. Has anyone seen my cape?

Bonus Andyism:
"I hate 'Bing'. Bing! What a stupid name for a search engine! I don't think it's very reliable either because I searched for 'Bee's Musings' and guess what? It didn't come up! So I opened google and typed in 'Bee's Musings' and it came up #1 so obviously Bing sucks monkey ass."

A ringing endorsement from my Andy for Google and Bee's Musings.