Blah.

So, today was a peculiar day. I woke up in a crappy mood, as per usual, got in the shower and then got ready for work. I had picked out an outfit which I discarded as soon as I looked in the mirror. I went to plan B, then plan C, then plan D then, then I just sat down on the bed and debated if I should call in sick. But I couldn’t call in sick because my brother-in-law would be in my house and my misery has never liked company.

It was still early enough for me to get my shit together and get to work on time but then I thought about all the stress that waited for me there and the tiny bit of resolve I had left, evaporated. So I continued to sit and stare at my feet.

Okay, I told myself, pull yourself together, march into your closet and find something to wear and stop being such a ninny! I marched into my closet, called Glynda to tell her I had just woken up so I was going to be late (I don’t think she would have approved of the real reason), picked out a pair of pants, ironed them, grabbed a top and a cardigan, put them on and instead of looking in the mirror again, I went back to sit on my bed. I looked around at the chaos I had created, boots here, tanks there, sweaters on my jewelry armoire, boxes of shoes blocking the entrance to my closet… ::sigh::  

I hate this feeling of vulnerability. No matter how intelligent you are, how tough you are, certain triggers can leave you feeling like a puddle of melted playdoh sliding into a sewer. Those triggers can send all the progress you have made to get yourself out of the deep end back in there with the force and acceleration of a bowling ball being thrown out of a tall building. Oh, you were happy a few days ago? Well that feeling is long gone. Now all you have is a messy room and the urge to crawl under the blankets and not come out until your world stops shaking.

But! I had stuff to do. I had a stack of charts waiting for me on my desk. I had a few people that needed me to translate for them, including the uncle of an 8 month old baby whose mom severely abused him resulting in fractures of his little legs and arms. Those are serious problems. Mine are just in my head. I jumped off my bed, grabbed my red boots, because red boots are the things to wear when your life needs a little boost, sprayed myself with a beautifully scented perfume I found at a great price at Marshall’s and focused my energy on coffee and breakfast. Hey, I might as well take an hour vacation instead of being docked 30 minutes of pay for being late. I made myself coffee and toasted a bagel.

Once I gathered my things, I went out to the car and sat in it while I had my coffee and bagel. I thought about all the things I’d like to change in my life. Some are out of my control, some are too hard to want to deal with when your strength has ebbed to record lows, some are relatively easy to change and I hope to get to them someday… I finished my breakfast and headed to work.

I walked into the office and was greeted with “nice boots” and “I love that top!” and I smiled and joked about the fact that I have great tastes in clothes. Funny. What would they say if I told them how much I agonized this morning and how a simple outfit sent me over the edge? I moved the 4 additional charts somebody put on my chair because “there are urgent issues I need to address” and asked my coworkers how their weekends had gone.

For now, this mask I wear will have to do.

We interrupt this silence to bring you an URGENT RANT!

So things here at the Beehive haven’t gone as smoothly as I was promised in the fairy tales. It seems every time Andy and I are about to bathe in the light at the end of the tunnel, a giant boulder blocks our exit and we are left in the rat infested tunnel with only our iPhone lights to illuminate the graffiti on the walls. But whatever. He and I have gotten through a million other tough times so I’m sure we’ll manage again. Eventually.

Anyway, since things have been crap, we do little “cheer me ups” to make things a little more bearable. Now, if you’re thinking we light up a joint and just chill, you’d be wrong because it is illegal. We are also not boozers so taking shots of tequila is out of the question. No, what we do is we bake cookies or pick up a pizza or go to my very favorite hot dog/hamburger joint, Portillo’s. Don’t worry, we are aware that one day we may be a couple of walking talking heart attacks waiting to happen but that’s a worry for another day.

On this “cheer me up” day, we decided to pick up Portillo’s. Since I work about 3 minutes from one, it was decided that I would go right after work so that when my Andy came home, I would be waiting for him with a hot meal and his slippers. Because I’m an awesome wife.

I went into Portillo’s and was pleasantly surprised to see there wasn’t anybody in front of me in line. Yay! I placed my order, 2 bacon cheeseburgers with everything (including grilled onions and pickles), 2 hot dogs with everything, an order of chicken strips, 4 small fries and a side of cheese. It wasn’t just Andy and I eating, m’mkay? I got my number and went to stand in the pick up section. So far so good.

The restaurant started getting a little busy but no worries cuz I beat those suckers in placing my order. 15 minutes later, they called my number, I picked up my bag and went happily on my way. When I got home I took Mocha and Tazz outside for their potty breaks and then came back inside to unpack the muy deliciosa meal.

I took out the chicken fingers, I took out the burger and wait. One burger? I ordered two, didn’t I? I looked at my receipt and I was definitely charged for two. Okay so I check another bag and I see the 2 hot dogs. Hmmmm maybe it’s in with the fries? Nope. I am missing one of the burgers. The place wasn’t as busy as it can get and they had about 10 people working the cook aisle and yet they forgot to give me a burger? Really?

I’m sure most of you have had this happen to you. You go to a fast food place to pick something up only to find when you get home they forgot something. I’m sure it’s not something you’ve lost your shit over but things in my life are a little bit out of my control right now so, for me, this was some sort of camel-back-breaking thing.

I called Portillo’s and had to explain what happened to the person who answered the phone and then again to a manager. Having worked in fast food for 9 years, I know the drill. “Would you like to come pick it up?” My answer was no. How does that help my situation? I picked up the food after work because the 2 streets I would have to take to get to Portillo’s from my house are a fucking nightmare, trafficwise, at that time. His next solution was to give me credit for next time. Yeah? Awfully kind of you! But! How does that help my situation? There is still going to be one person without food, right now! So option 3 was for him to send me a gift card with the amount of my burger by mail that would get to me in 7-10 business days. Well, that sounds like a fucking plan. Are you hungry right now, babe? Do you think maybe you can hold it for 7-10 business days? That would make sense if I were going to be planning a meal in the future and oh wait! For all of these “options” I still have to get my ass in my car and drive to a place I had already gone to, to pick up something that should have already been fucking digested!

The way I see it, when fast food places fuck up your order, they should say to you “Dear beloved customer, we will be sending MarioAndretti (that is the only fast car driver I know) to bring your food to you because we know we fucked up and that is really the only solution that would make things right” Giving me a credit or a voucher does nothing for me. I have a good mind to call the cops and let them know they stole my 5 bucks because they certainly would do the same to me if I walked out without paying for a burger!

Right about now, most of you are probably thinking “Oh lord she lost it!” here is some news for you, I “lost it” a long loooong time ago. This right here is just what goes on in my head everyday of my life only this time I was pissed off enough to write it down.

There are a bunch of bad things hovering over our heads right now so in the grand scheme of things, being minus one burger won’t bring down my world but I thought it would be a good idea to focus on something that I could rant about without getting into any trouble and also sending a big SCREW YOU to Portillo’s. 

On the silver lining part of this whole situation, I will probably be boycotting them for the next couple of years (not that they’d care because I’m only one person and they are big popular company) so I’m sure my arteries will be happy.

P.S.

Andy was offered his pick of food because we love him and would hate for him to go hungry. He chose a hot dog and fries and while he wasn't entirely happy, he did get a "big hug" voucher he can use at a later time. Because I’m an awesome wife. 

This is the person that handles the payroll!

Okay. I am not making this up. OZ bought a new “accounting” computer for Milton because the one she was using is from the stone age and it finally just about blew up. They bought new software for it and she had been trying to register the software for over an hour.

Me: Uh, that computer isn’t hooked up to the internet so you won’t be able to register the software online.

Milton: I know the old one was able to be registered so I should be able to register this one!

Me: [was about to say maybe they registered it on installation but shrugs and bows out of the issue because I really don’t give a shit]

Then I hear her on the phone with tech support:

Milton: I am trying to register your software on your website but I keep getting error messages. [listens to tech support] Hold on, I’ll try that but the computer is on the other side of the room. I’ll be right back.

Because the computer is on the other side that’s how we role at the Asylum make everything difficult for everybody.

Me: Why don’t you pick up Cowardly Lion’s phone? It’s closer and you don’t have to be jumping back and forth.

Milton: Em well um I- no, this is fine.

::sigh::

She goes back to tech support and says:

Milton: Tried it but it still gives me the same error message. [listens] The message says [looks at a piece of paper where she wrote down the error message] “cannot locate internet connection. check your internet connection”. [listens] Okay, I’ll try that.

Gets up again and turns the computer this way and that. Pushes cables deep and tries again.

Milton: No, it still gives me the same message.

This goes on for a very very long time but finally:

Milton: Does it make a difference if this computer is not connected to the internet? … Hello? Hello? [I’m assuming the tech support person had to take a moment to compose themselves.] Why does it have to be connected to the internet? I’m not going to be doing anything online?
At that point I got up and took a walk around the building.