The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?

Queen of Sausages
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
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Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
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I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
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Scene Two:

I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
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I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
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Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
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And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
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Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

Dasani (a product of THE Coca Cola Company) oh how you have let me down!

Saintly Dasani Bottle
I don’t want to be rude and say “Fuck you, you piece of shit!” before explaining why I am so unbelievably aggravated with you and hoping you'll change.

You are my favorite brand of water because you taste less like chemicals and more like nothing. That’s right NOTHING. I like that in my water.

I’ve had the pleasure of drinking you for years now and you’ve always quenched my thirst.

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HOWEVER!

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It would be nice to be able to open the damn bottle without having to use my teeth!
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.

Evil Dasani Bottle
I beg you now to go to the numb-nuts that designed your bottle and throw yourself at their mercy. Ask them to take pity on the proud women who do not like to ask the men in their lives to open a bottle for them thereby confirming what they believe, that we're poor helpless females.

Let them know my dentist charges too much money for teeth transplants so that would be out of the question.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.

Any assitance you can provide will be appreciated!

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P.S.

If anybody tells me Dasani is tap water. I know it! But it's tap water that doesn't TATSE like tap water! It taste liek NOTHING.

Please save my sanity by clicking on Humor-Blogs, thanks!

The whole time we were there, I was singing ♪♫"At the carwash"♪♫.

So...

A million years ago, when I was still a slave to the family, my sister and I used to wake up every Sunday morning at 5:30 and take 7 people worth of laundry to THE DREADED LAUNDROMAT! We'd get there before its 6 AM opening and be the first people thru the door. The owner guy knew us since we'd spend 4 hours sweating from the heat of the dryers and gagging at the overpowering smell of fabric sheets. He'd have coffee ready for us and sometimes bring donuts.
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Sis and I had many bonding moments over the tide/bleach/downey and the crazy women who would battle us for the dryers. Guess who always won? ;o)
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When we finally moved out of the apartment and bought a house, we also bought a washer/dryer. No more laundromat for us! Each person was in charge of their own clothes so thus ended our servitude or slavitude if you will. Then I got married and lived happily ever aft-...
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Alas, my idyllic happy ending was not meant to last forever!!!
Our freakin' piece of crap washer decided to be a butthole and break! ::sigh::

We have 2 options:
-Replace it which would mean replacing the dryer so that they can match.
OR
-Have it fixed.
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While we ponder, we decided to also hold a social/economical experiment.
We will see how much money we save on our water bill and electricity WHILST (<-as Brian would say) getting material for the blogus by interacting with other humans.
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Sadly, the place was empty.

Nobody to make fun of but ourselves. I had no choice really.
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Bee:
Andy, trust the pro. If I say all your clothes fits in that buck 75 machine, then it fits!
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Andy:
Okay. EXPERT. Then you fit my clothes in there.
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[I did so awesomely! I wonder if I can put that on my resume...]
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Bee:
Is that all the soap you're gonna put in there?? I want my clothes clean! Not smelling like wet crappy laundromat!!
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Andy:
It's concentrated detergent! You don't need more than half a cap full!

[I see this will be our major battle. I'll just have to sneak more soap in the machine when he's not looking.]
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Bee:
Do you think I'm faking it?? Do you think I would lie to you and say my clothes are still wet just so that I could steal a quarter? Give me the freakin' quarter!
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[Seriously?? I think I know when clothes are dry!]
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Andy:
I don't care if you don't want to go see Narnia! You're coming with me because you signed a contract to honor, love and support all my crappy movie choices! ... I'll buy you nachos.
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[That doesn't have anything to do with laundry but it did take place at The Mat.]
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We have given ourselves a month to decide what to do on the replacing/fixing the washer. Luckily, because of my Mantra 'Where do you want the shit to hit you?' things like this do not perturb my coolness.
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Here's a coinky dink. Tracy's washer broke too AND she had to go to the laundromat! Weird.
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For those of you doubting Thomases and Thomasinas, here is a picture of my dark dark house at Eight AM.

Would you be able to pick out a dark brown shoe from a black one?

Hey Hey! Before you go, please click on Humor-Blogs!

I am so a fuckin trendsetter you ignorant douche that questioned why I wore one black shoe and one brown!!

Okay I um… accidentally wore 2 different colored shoes to work. It was cloudy this morning therefore my house was pitch black (or brown I obviously can’t tell the difference) and my electrician husband doesn’t believe in having working lights in our house. I kid I kid. His logic is that if he can’t afford, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, the expensive 5 million dollar designer lights, then we shall just walk around bumping into furniture and –ahem– wearing the same style shoes in different colors.

Of course, being unable to see is not always my excuse. One time I wore two different styles of shoes to Nancy’s ultrasound both black but one was lace up and the other was a slip on. Another time I wore one red sandal and one brown one but my sister stopped me at the door before I left for work and questioned my sanity.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing these humiliating errors. Or maybe I should stop buying the same style of shoes in different colors?

╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟

My first day back at work after 4 days off was as shitacular as all Mondays are proving to be.

I turned in my Authorization Note which said something like ‘without my driver’s license I cannot buy the liquor I so desperately need to ♫☼♪ forget all my troubles and go DOWNTOWN♫☼♪’ Glynda laughed her head off but Milton made this face:



I then removed 5 million charts from my chair and put up a *do not resuscitate* sign on my desk.
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Speaking of signs, I found this one on NCS’ blog and I had to steal it! I went to her blog, snuck up on it from the side (they never expect you to sneak up on the side, they always expect an attack from the front and the back but never the side) (I’m the exception. I expect attacks from the front, back sides, top, bottom, crisscross… I’m always prepared so don’t even TRY it!) clicked on it, saved it and posted it here.

Danger. Do Not Touch. Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying.

It’s perfect! Everything I’ve always wanted to say about myself in 3 short sentences. Add to it that I’m also always grimacing and we’re set to move on with our lives.

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Here is a special Happy Birthday wish to my friend the great Elastic Woman.

Some theories on why she was born in a snow storm.

-She was hot even back then so they needed to bring down the temp in the hospital.
-She arrived in a flaming space vessel along with another dude who got all the attention just because he was made of steel or something and could see through clothes and jumped over tall buildings because he was a manic moron. They never told you about her super powers.

She is able to cook in a far away place and leave you wishing you could eat your computer screen. She can single handedly make you laugh at euphemisms you thought only existed in other worlds. She can shake you loose from bad moods and slap them across the face while they’re exiting your body with a warning never to return.

She can give birth at home then cook a mean dewberry cobbler concoction WITH REAL DEWBERRIES!

Most importantly of all, she has great taste in friends...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELASTIC... AND MANY MORE!!!

P.S.

Please click on Humor-Blogs. Thank you!

After reading this post, I've decided I might be a little bored.

While vegging on the couch today, I saw a commercial for some match.com thing where a man and a woman were saying their fake vows and the woman says "I vow never to wear flannel pajamas"
I have to admit to rewinding that part to make sure I heard right (I am, after all, recovering from a vicious head injury)(I have the mother of all bumps on the top of my head!).
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What the heck is wrong with flannel? The nights can be freakin' cold and anybody who would give up flannel for a GUY needs to have their head examined since they're breaking the laws (and hearts) of the feminist movement!
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(Yeah, it was a slow and cold Sunday over at the beehive)
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I've gotten a couple of requests for more details and pictures of the BS that took place on Saturday.
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Being the brain donor I am, I forgot to take pictures besides the one I posted and I really don't know what games were played other than that one where they drew the penis headed people. I was busy grilling burgies and doggies for the hungry crowd. When I was done grilling, I helped my sister open up gifts then I had to practically hold someone's hand because they couldn't figure out how to get to our house (THEY WERE ONE BLOCK AWAY) (AND 3 HOURS LATE). I think I did have time to eat a hot dog but nobody needs to hear That story.
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There was this one *guest* who I warned about Tazzer the Ferocious and she kept saying "Oh no, all dogs love me because they know I'm a dog lover" I told her not to be fooled by his cuteness because many have and he's walked away with their fingers. She kept going on and on about how he would love her and I finally had to snap at her "NO! He needs to come out to pee but don't TOUCH HIM!" If it weren't for the fact that any moron can hire a lawyer, I'd let them see for themselves just how psychotic Tazz can be.

Okay, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Yip. EE.
I have more reason to dread the Bats than ever since I heard on the news they might be rabid.
Per channel 2 news report:
Rabid Bat Warning Has Lake Co. Residents On Alert
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People living in Lake county were out and about enjoying the weather Friday, but county health officials say they're not the only ones. Bats also seem to like the spring and summer months, and because of that, health officials are asking people to be aware of bats acting strangely, which could be an sign that a bat has rabies. "People should look out for bats that are flying around during the daytime, bats that are on the ground. That's very unusual behavior for bats," said Mike Adam of the Lake County Health Dept.

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I knew they were rabid all along but people kept telling me I was exaggerating.

P.S.
I just remembered something from the BS. I forgot we would need a cake until the day before so when we went to Costco, I bought the only one that didn't say happy birthday. It was a wedding cake but we pink'd it all up with frosting, rattles, and pacifiers. It came out so good people were asking where it had been decorated.
We are a bunch of multi-talented ladies!

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

Welcome FOFOAS

So...
I know you guys have been worried, thinking Andy had finally buried me under my magnolia tree but I'm still alive and kickin' ass!

Anyway, I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I may do last minute preparations for Sister Nancy's baby-shower.
On Thursday we had Niece Natalia's graduation and I discovered I couldn't find my purse and freaked THE HELL OUT! I thought I might have left it at work but then I said to myself, 'wouldn't they have called me?' I decided to call Glynda's cell but she didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. I put the *freak out* on hold so that I could enjoy my niece's celebration.

We arrived at the ceremony early hoping to get good seats and scored 2 in the first row. This was my view at the beginning. Natalia is the perfect little lady in the middle.
Doesn't this tell you what these kids' personalities will be like when they grow up? To her left are the Frat boys but lets zoom in on the kids to her right.

The kid is diggin for gold and the other little girl is asking Natalia if she can believe the kid is in knuckle deep!

After about 5 minutes, this was my view:

Ass here, ass there, asses asses everywhere! What the fuck!! I know people are trying to get pictures of their kids but how about some fuckin' courtesy to the people that got there early? Maybe kneel on the floor??

I got up but then this jag stood in front of me. I continued taking pictures and muttering things like "Oh what a nice view I have! Stupid lady's ass. Idiot giant man's head" over and over until Andy came and took the camera from me. I didn't want to start a brawl at my niece's Pre-K graduation but I was ready to rumble! Asswipes! They can fuck off!

Luckily the ceremony didn't last too much longer and we got to the important business of celebrating by eating cake and ribs IN THAT ORDER CUZ WE'RE REBELS!

When I got home, I continued my insane worrying about my purse. Did I leave it on the roof of my car when I left work Wednesday and just drove off (NOT AN UNCOMMON THING FOR ME TO DO) Did I drop it? My driver's license is in it, my debit card, my cherry lollipop...

I kept waking up during the night with my first thought being what a hassle it would be to replace all that crap! Then, at 7:55 AM on Friday morning, Glynda called to tell me she got my message and yes I had left my purse at work, and I quote, "Milton found it so I don't know if she went thru it"

Now remember peoples. I could not drive to pick it up since I did not have a driver's license. Being the brilliant problem solver that I am, I asked my sister to pick it up on her way home from the doctor since she was coming to my house to pick up a 5 year old who had happened to camp out in my living room. Great idea right? Sounds reasonable doesn't it?

Bee:

Hi Milton. I was wondering if you could give my sister my purse and my paycheck since she'll be driving by in a few minutes.

Milton:

Well... uhm... I uhm... she... uhm needs... you need to give her a letter of authorization.

... ... Do you understand what this would mean? If she had to come all the way to my house, what would be the point of the freakin' letter?? I could just go with her!

Bee:

Transfer me to Glynda.

Milton:

I... uh... to Glynda?

I talked to Glynda and explained the asinine suggestion of the dumbass! She gave the okay to release my purse from captivity to my capable sister.

I know what you're going to say "Rules are rules. Corporate America yadda yadda" Why do you always take Milton's side? We are a small office and they have all met my sister. Milton has been to her house for a house warming party. Glynda said I should just give them a letter on Monday to appease Milton so here's a little preview:

I herby authorize, by the power vested in me, sister on her way home from Ob/Gyne, need ID for booze, paycheck for crack...

That way Milton will know that what I'm really saying is that she can Fuck Off!

Last but not least, while I was cleaning my back porch, I moved a box and this ginormous woman eating bug jumped out at me and hissed!!

Okay, it didn't jump. Or hiss. But it still scared the shit out of me forcing me to stand up quickly and bang my head on the window's door. (My windows open in, like mini french doors) I swear I saw stars! My ears went numb, I got dizzy, Brad Pitt was standing in front of me.

If I wouldn't have been so determined to stay upright, I might have ended up face down in a pile of old shoes and peanut shells (don't ask). Now I have a goose egg on the top of my head and look like this:

Don't worry. That bug has now left our realm.

I'm tired now so how's about clicking on Humor-Blogs for me? I'm not trying to force you or anything but if you click on Humor-Blogs, my headache might go away.

P.S.

Nothing scares an insomniac more than a TV that's set up to go on at 1:30 in the morning!! Who does that??

I find your desire to kill ME extremely annoying.

I think Andy is trying to kill me!!!

Are you done clapping? No? Okay, I'll give you a couple more minutes... ... ...

Done? Okay. Let's move on shall we?

I really do think he's trying to kill me!

Here was my first clue:

Andy:
Bee, I think I'm going to try changing the oil in you car myself.

Bee:
Why? Jiffy Lube* always does a great job!

Andy:
Don't worry, it's just oil.

Bee: [a frown creasing my smooth brow]
'Kay.

THEN!! CLUE #2

Andy:
Bee, I might as well rotate your tires too. All I have to do is move the front ones to the back, back ones to the front.

Bee:
Uhmmm... I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, what if you miss a couple of lug nuts? You might send my car spinning into the river. When I hit a pothole. While I'm doin' 65 in a 45.

Andy:
Nah, you'll be okay. The river isn't so deep around that area.

Bee: [GENUINE FEAR IN MY EYES]
Can you ask my brother to help you?

CLUE NUMERO TRES!

Andy:
I was thinking I should try changing your brakes too.

Bee: [running to hide my car keys]
No! No no no. Now you've gone to far! You've lost your mind! No.

Andy:
It's no big deal! I talked to some guys that said all you have to do is change the whatsit pads blah blah look like an accident blah blah.

Bee:
Andy? Haven't I been the perfect wife? Haven't I encouraged you in every way possible? We've had some good times, right? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?? Won't you miss my constant mocking?

Andy: [scratching his head]
Are you serious or just overreacting?

Bee:
What about when the dogs attack you? Who will save you if I'm ashes on your night stand?? [I've decided that's where I want to be]

Andy:
Bee! I'm changing the oil, rotating, the tires and changing you brakes. Nothing will happen to you because I obviously pissed off some deity at one time so our lives will be intertwined until the day I DIE!

I have to admit, that was a very compelling argument!
... Still, if you don't hear from me again, maybe you should call the police?



*Jiffy Lube? Seriously?? who came up with that name? K-Y? Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs we'll get some answer!
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P.S.
I just saw a picture of Burt Reynolds nahhked(from the 70's I think)!! Was his father a gorrilla?? Uh... I meant because he's hairy.