Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The love of my life still makes me blush...


A long time ago, Andy and I established a few rules when out in public. I know what you're thinking, aren't you two civilized enough to interact with the rest of society without making complete fools of yourselves???

No.

I OVERREACT to everything and he underreacts to everything which then causes us to have mini whispering battles on who is the biggest idiot. He usually wins the honor of King of Idiotomland but he might tell you it's the other way around.

Anyway, the first time we were going to meet Crazy Ez, at the time she was just Esmeralda, I told Andy that there were certain topics he couldn't talk about. At that precise moment in time, he was addicted to some shooting game and was busy trying to save the world from guys moving in slow motion. He couldn't be bothered to look away from the computer screen to have a decent conversation with his wife so he just said "Just tell me to shut up if I say something wrong- FRAG OUT!!"

Bee:
Sweetie honey pie sugar lamb, it will look odd if, upon meeting my Bros new girlfriend, I keep sayin 'SHUT UP ANDY!' because we both know that's how the evening will start AND end.

Andy:
... ::shrugs::

Bee:
How about this, we have some sort of code word we can use kind of like the one we have for when we want to leave a party, family gathering, Dan's presence(*EYEBALLS*).

Andy:
... [bobbing his head around like a boxer, looking for the hidden enemy] ::nods::

Bee:
How about sparkplug??

Andy:
'kay.

Fast forward to that evening and the word sparkplug was sprinkled liberally throughout dinner. Esmeralda, being the sharp as a Ginsu knife girl she is (you know she's a school teacher right? A CHICAGO PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER), finally noticed how I would turretsly yell out SPARKPLUG! and then Andy would clam up.

Crazy Ez:
Uh, what's going on?

Since she was so cool, we came clean and had a big laugh.


The reason I'm telling you this story is because Andy Husband and I still have codes for when we can't say what we want due to objects in the form of bodies with ears overhearing our convos. By now, SEVEN LONG YEARS into the marriage, you'd figure Andy would get something is up but I can't talk about it AT THE MOMENT.

Well, let me take you back to Tuesday, July 29th.
Tuesdays have become our laundry days but I wasn't feeling well. I called Andy to ask him if we could reschedule to Thursday.

Andy:
What's wrong?

Bee:
I'm not feeling well.

Andy:
Is it your head again.

Bee:
No.

Andy:
Welllll???

Bee:
I just don't feel good.

Andy:
Did you sleep okay?

Bee: [IRRITATED]
No but that's not IT!

Andy:
Are you tired??

Bee:
::whispers:: No, my stomach hurts.

Andy:
Oh. Cramps?

Bee:
NO! I'M HANGING UP NOW!

Andy:
No, no. Are you okay? Is it your ulcers?

Bee:
OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO KEEP GOING TO THE BATHROOM SO I DON'T WANT TO USE THE PUBLIC ONE AT THE MAT, OKAY?? ARE YOU HAPPY?? NOW EVERYBODY IS STARING AT ME!!

Andy:
Oh, so you have to go poopsie? Is you wittle booty hurtin' from going poopsie?

Bee:
Fucker. [hangs up]

-------------------------

So, I think we need a code word for "you are being a gigantic ass and I want to start seeing other people!", any ideas?

37 comments:

  1. I AM the big number two. How perfect!

    How about “youbigpieceofcrapdickcheeseifyoudon’tshuthtehellupI’mgoingtokillyouinyoursleepthenrunawaywithjohnnydeppandlivehappilyeverafter”?

    Or just "Cheese" which is short for dick cheese. That one make's 'em cringe.

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  2. Leave me alone, my finger slipped.

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  3. Leave me alone, my finger slipped.
    THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

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  4. I'm still giggling! can't. think. now. :)

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  5. hey, that photo wasn't there when I was FIRST.

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  6. Maybe I'm missing something here, but why couldn't you just have sent him a text with the gory details?

    For a new code word I'd suggest ".", as in "full stop".

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  7. Not twelfth.

    Or should that be "and twelfth"?

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  8. I've noticed that men can't take hints. You shoot a woman a look from across a room and she'll STFU immediately because she GETS it. Men don't have this gene. Which is why I never understood why there were more male spies than female spies.

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  9. I'm thinking you should have yelled "Sparkplug" over the phone and hung up. ; )

    I like 'sparkplug'. Maybe Babycakes and I will use it at the next family outing. Oh wait..nobody talks to me anyways so it really doesn't matter.

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  10. SPARKPLUG!

    Oh wait, sorry, you need to yell that at him.

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  11. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Look at that picture, you guys are sooooooo damned adorable. :)

    Oh and hey, just be glad you don't have the troll herpes on your lip like I do. *cries* :D

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  12. I have no word for you but that story made me laugh because a grown man saying poopsie is just funny.

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  13. At my house, that code word is "divorce."

    Oh, I kid, I kid!

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  14. I kid because I love my little alien battling, Battlestar watching goon.

    Also? You two are freakin' adorable! Or, as my little alien battling, Battlestar watching goon would say "frackin' adorable!"

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  15. Why is it that when men say something “mean” about women "we’re" sexist but when women turn around and say the same shit about men "they’re" not sexist? Men are funnier because women take “offense” to everything and take things too "seriously". I hope your husband “learns” to put you in your place!

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  16. I had some ideas but SPARKPLUG...

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  17. Sounds to me like "anonymous" is taking things too serious so "he" must really be a women or an English cigarette it.

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  18. No - it sounds like anonymous needs to do with that sparkplug what VE was going to suggest.

    Bee - you guys are so cute! And I washed my hands.

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  19. Hey, Um...Bee?

    I don't want to embarrass you by pointing this out but..um.. did you know that your face is showing in that picture?

    I mean, I like your face, and you guys are a really cute couple. It's just that I'm not used to seeing you full faced. Normally you've got some strange object held over your face.

    Don't be embarrassed. It happens to all of us.

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  20. I like the idea of having a codeword. I think that the hubby and I should come up with one.

    What about that episode of Seinfeld where they have a code word. Oh, what was the word?

    Tippy Toe! That's it!

    That should be your new code word!

    Then you'll be yelling:

    Andy!! Tippy toe! tippy toe!

    And people will think that maybe Andy walks too loud or something but he will know what it means.

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  21. You gys are so cute :)
    Daily Hero and I have a lot of code words...for making fun of people :D Really, I am such a bad influence.

    We don't really have a code word for when we need to stop talking, you know, being perfect and all :D

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  22. "men" are "funnier"July 30, 2008 at 11:11 PM

    "men" are "funnier" because "they" use lots "of" Quotes""" and that "makes" them "look" very smart "!"

    Yes anonymous, "you" have made "your" "point" alright. "A" "gold" star for "you"!

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  23. Anon did use a lot of quotes didn't he?
    Hey anon?

    TIPPY TOE! TIPPY TOE!

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  24. *snarf*

    Maybe the word "Anon" could mean shut up you're stupid... just sayin' ;)

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  25. My husband has learned in four years that there are things he just doesn't want to know. So our code phrase is "you don't want to know" so then he knows not to ask any questions.

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  26. LOL! Funny post!

    Mmm.. I like those Ginsu knives! Especially the stainless ones. I wonder if they sell those over here? And do I have room for more knives?

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  27. I think the codeword (and I've seen it thrown around a lot lately) should be "asshat".

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  28. My husband is an obnoxious ass...well, quite a bit. So, we have established a rating system.

    1 is a "you are a perfect husband" and 10 is a "you will be lucky if they find all your body parts."

    So all I have to do is look at him and say "You're at an 8" and he takes it down a few notches. Perfect for every situation!

    :)

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  29. Almost all of my conversations with my wife end with her calling me a fucker.

    What a coincidence.

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  30. see, this is a great example of why Rickey doesn't communicate verbally with Ms. Henderson. He just slips her notes informing her of his thoughts and she quietly nods. So far it's working out well.

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  31. We don't have a word, I just give him a Look.

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  32. damn, Rickey has the right idea.

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  33. he could almost be called a genius

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  34. jean knee:
    If I call him honey in public, he won't know I'm talking to him. ;o)

    Queen Goob:
    #2 is right! Blech!

    Cheese sounds perfect to me.

    AKA Sandy:
    I know, these people are so silly. :o)

    jean knee:
    Hmmmmmm...

    Brian:
    Do you remember my post where my little brother charged about $300 in texts? After that, they were permanently baned from our plan or Andy becomes Crazy Eyes Andy. he's scary.

    Ummmm, if I say "period" he'll misinterpret what I'm trying to say.

    Brian #8:
    Tssssss! Sorry you're lucky #EIGHT.

    Brian #9:
    Well...

    Suzy:
    I KNOW! Except my sister. She sucks are reading my eyes.

    Alice:
    We still use it every once in a while.

    Queen Goob:
    You had me at cheese! :o)

    Chelle B:
    Thanks we were young AND in love back then.

    Sornie:
    My hubs is odd. He says things like "potty potty" to our dogs.

    FADKOG:
    I once said the D word jokingly and he FLIPPED OUT.

    Anonymouse:
    YAWN.

    VE:
    You. Are. A. Genius.

    Dan:
    he has daddy issues.

    Queen Goob:
    Thanks, we WERE adorable. Now we're just sad. ;op
    I'm glad to hear you washed your hands. Blech again!

    Tracy:
    It's okay, that's a Bee double. Not really me. Okay it is but the white flash disguises me.

    I LOVE TIPPY TOES!!! I LOVE IT!!

    NCS:
    Thanks, we look so happy. I wonder what happened? ;o)

    And.

    (:-O

    You don't make fun of people. Not you. I bet those are some Cool Stories!

    "men" are "funnier":
    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Tracy:
    I LOVE IT!

    Anndi:
    I don't know why people don't just say who they are. What am I gonna do? Go to their jobs and ask them for a piece of their ham sandwich?

    Jacki:
    Hmm, I'll try it but I have this feeling he'll keep pushing. :o)

    Jay:
    Hi! :o)
    You can always order them online. They cut through cans ya' know!

    Jinksy:
    Ha ha! Asshat is a step up from fucker I guess.

    Rhonda:
    I like your system! It's subtle but to the point!

    Sinister Dan:
    No. I don't believe it! I imagine your marriage is much too civilized!

    Rickey:
    Ha ha! You know what my hubs would do? he'd draw nudie pictures on paper!

    Marie:
    When I try to give him "the look" he just opens his eyes as if to say "I know what you're doing and I'm countering your look with my blank stare". Aren't we a pair??

    jean knee:
    i think he does call himself a genius. :o)

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  35. I love coming here, I smile, I snicker, I outright crack up. You have such an amazingly insane way of presenting things that it makes perfect sense ad at the same time, it's so twisted so warped, that I can't wait for the next one to be posted.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.