Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It is my duty as a woman to inform others about new cool gadgets that bring such pleasure!

It's called a Shoe Wheel and makes your shoes look so pretty as they twirl around on their own ferris wheel!
Currently I have all my shoes in their original boxes on a 10 tiered shelving unit and it’s a pain in the ass to keep pulling boxes out and then putting the shoes back in. Instead, I exercise my laziness and put them on this here bench until I have time to rearrange them.

I can’t leave them on the floor because Tazz likes to mark ‘em as his own. And by mark ‘em I DO mean pee on them the little bastard!

Anyway, maybe I can get my super awesome hubby to buy TWO for me as an early early early birthday present. Hmmmm??? It would be for both of us really since he hates it when I leave my shoes on stools, benches and chairs. Let's not talk about the time he sat on a 4 inch stiletto...

Speaking of Super Husbands, Andy wants to shave off his facial hair!! Porque???

The good news is that he agreed to do a Tell-All Post! His only concern was how much of the truth I'd be okay with him exposing. I let him know that everybody and their momma knows I have a temper so to be truthful to his heart (which I know how to rip out with my little hands!)(just kidding)(maybe).

Now for your part, if you'd like to win your very own shoe wheel, enter here.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

If you ask it, he might answer...

My desert garden terrarium

Okay, I wasn't going to post today because I seem to be leaking energy thru my eyeballs and feel like shit. I think it's because I spent Monday in the freezing rain trying to save my flowers... where was I? Post, right!
I got this radicus e-mail that I had to share. Unfortunately, the person who sent it to me has not responded on whether I can use their name or not but I'm pulling the trigger on this anyway because I'm impatient like that. I don't like it when people have lives and I'm sitting around waiting for them to squeeze me in. Just thought I should throw that fact out into the universe. Anyway, here's the e-mail.

"Hi Bee! I stumbled across your blog when I was trying to figure out why my shit was green. Your post on green poop searches made me laugh so I kept coming back and reading your archives. Then it hit me that you were actually talking about me too! That's okay because I still think you're funny!
I have a question for you though, would you ever consider letting your husband Andy write a post about you? I'd be very curious to get a first hand account on what living with you must be like! Would you please consider it?"

I love this idea!! I really do!
Dear My New Favorite E-Mailer Person, I will ask the hubs but I can't guarantee he'll say yes because he'll be afraid to piss me off to the point where he'd have to sleep in our fireplace (he'd fit if he were in little pieces)!
He also has an obsession with that game I've mentioned but now that he no longer has a Family/Clan/Cult, maybe he'll have more free time. Who knows? But I will try to make him see how writing a post about me would be beneficial to his um... health.
I will keep you posted and if you have any questions you'd like Andy to answer so that this isn't so hard for him, please do so.
You know where else you can get awesome ideas? Humor-Blogs! Click here for some laughs.

55 grams of tomato paste and 10 grams of Olive Oil everyday act as a natural sunscreen against harmful UV rays.
Don't smear it on yourself because you'll have people tossing onions, olives, cucumbers and Italian seasonings at you to make a salad.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The joys of eating Sherpas and other snacks.

"Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical powers over infants!"-Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan I will embroider this to all my pillows!
So... I'm going back to my Weight Watchers counting points thing. This works for me because I still get to eat regular food without cloggin up my arteries and/or doing fad diets where I can only eat something on Wednesdays from 12:01 to 12:17 pm.
This meant digging out my my handy dandy little notebook where I keep my stats on what I've eaten and how many points I've used and have left.

When I read my prior attempts at über fat loss, I nearly fell out of my chair and came to the realization that I am in fact A NUTJOB!!
I will now share my mini rants, typos, weirdness and all, with you, my judgmental readers.

How awesome is this picture!!!!!!!

DATE 3/5/07 I have XX points to use.

Day one
Heavenly coffee, 1/2 teaspoon of creamer and sugar
Weight control oatmeal instructions say to add water instead of milk. Who tells you to put water in oatmeal? Sadist that's who!

Weight Watchers meal
not too horrible but a little styrofoamy for my taste


Measured rice, small chicken breast measured beans 2 tortillas

Granola bar. mmmm chocolate chip!!

Saved 5 points into bank Woowhoo!

Day two:

Coffee elixir of the GODS!! some cream and shugaaaah shooooogaaaahhhhh
Crappy Oatmeal I'd put milk in it but then I'd have to carry another freakin' container! I'm carrying too much food around already! What am I going on a trek to the alps and don't want to eat my Sherpas?? Do Sherpas go with you up the alps or am I inventing people where they don't belong?


WW meal. meh.

Who the hell invented apples?? They are not good unless they're covered in caramel and peanuts otherwise they're just weird and chewy! I hate Johnny Apple Seed and his obsessive need to spread his seed!! Ha ha that tickled my funny bone!! Apples still suck. And they have Cyanide I think.

POZOLE!! Yeah how the hell can I tell how many points that is?? Nevertheless <-weird word... I served myself a smaller portion and I'm using the 5 banked points just in case it's more than the allotted 8 I gave it. It has cabbage. Doesn't smelly cabbage count for something?

Le banana. Mmm le le bananannanna yummy baaaananananaaa!! Eh-O Eeeehh-OOO daylight come and me wanna go home! Where'd that come from? LUCKILY nobody will ever see this or they'll for sure lock me up! FO' SHO'!!

Day 3:

MMMMMMMMCOFFFEEEEE creamy shoooogar!!!
Screw the oatmeal.

More cardboard in the form of a WW meal. blech. had a couple of bites but it's just not very appetizing I'd rather wait for my snack.

OOOOOORANGE! The orange came and beat the crap out of the apple and made it into apple sauce and I threw it in the garbage where it belongs! Actually, I like apple sauce weird. Apple pie can suck it though.

Hmmmmm Enfrijoladas (quesadillas with bean sauce). Sigh! Okay, I'm counting everything individually. 3 tortillas about 3 oz of cheese CUZ MY MOM SKIMPS ON CHEESE KNOWING HOW MUCH I LIKE IT!! about 4 oz of bean juice and some sliced tomatoes. DAMN IT!! How can I function in the real world? How?? Whatever, I'm using the points I didn't use for breakfast so we're L 7 SQUARE!

No snack. I have no idea how many points I have left.

Day 4:
Coffee. This is the only thing keeping me alive right now. MY COFFEE!! If not for my coffee my head would be on this here desk not budging one inch ONE INCH!! That doesn't sound half bad.

I wonder how long it took apes to prepare this WW meal? Did they incorporate their feces in here? Look at me saying feces when I really mean SHIT!! I'm gonna ask Andy to get me a Lean Cuisine. With a word like cuisine it can't be half bad right? ANSWER ME YOU STUPID NOTEBOOK!!!!

Johnny Apple seeds descendants will suffer my wrath!! The old ladies I work with said they are the best fruit to eat because they cure male pattern baldness or some such shit! who cares? not me FO' SHO'!!!

Carne de Oinko en chile...

Fuck it! I don't need to live to be 100 or go hiking! Living long is overrated I say! Half the time you can't figure out if you just took a dump on the toilet or your wheel chair.

Months later, I started a blog. Do you see how that worked out?
I'll try to do better this time around. Especially now that my Andy makes me the most delish salads AND the Lean Cuisines are yummy. Plus, I had decided to eat bananananas instead of the HORRIBLE RETCHED APPLES ::BLECH!!::


You know what will help me lose weight? If you click on Humor-Blogs for me.


Why the Patrick Duffy movie? Sorry, Patrick Dempsey. He always looks puffy maybe that's why I think his last name is Duffy.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Aloha! Mahalo! Only 30 more years till retirement!

The hubs and I went to see:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
I recommend you go see this movie since I thought it was hilarious! The crotch shots were totally worth it! I am not going to explain that sentence.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had a horrible nightmare in which my dream of living in Hawaii went up in smoke because I was dipped in lava and... well, died.

After that, I decided maybe Hawaii was not the place to live out my last days on Earth. Maybe I could relocate my fantasy retirement somewhere less combustible.


This movie was filmed in Hawaii and my fear of melting was quickly replaced with "Screw it! I've gotta die from something why not end up like all the food I enjoy, fried, charred, broiled, seared. There are worse ways to spend your twilight years."

In other world shatettering news.
I have decided to stop lining my stomach with the very luxurious Tums since I am single handed-ly putting all the share holders' children thru college.
I am now buying the very generic form of antacid's which makes me lucky enough to buy more for my buck! (How sad is it that it made me so happy to figure out all the math in my head?)
Do you see how big that thing is?? How long do you think it'll last me? Two weeks?

Sure the flavor takes me back to when I was in first grade and I accidentally ate the orange chalk we used for hopscotch.
By accidentally I mean somebody double dog dared me to eat it and I was stupid brave enough to do it.
Luckily, I grew out of the double dog daring thing so DO NOT think you can double dog dare me to do something in the comments. If you do, I will resist your dares!
I double dog dare you to click on Humor-Blogs.
I didn't know Hopscotch had such a long and interesting history! I just thought some alcoholic addicted to scotch had issues walking in a straight line.
I wiki'd chalk and now I'm nauseous! I'm gonna go find Christina (the double dog dare-er) and kick her ass!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

This seemed carnivorous to me!

I know I said I wouldn't post but then I saw in the news that Friday was the anniversary of Thriller!

I was all "what? how did this momentous day pass me by?"

Then I thought "oh yeah! I work in a fuckin bat infested hellhole and it's all I can do to keep my marbles in my head instead of using them to choke people... ::breathe::..."

Anyway, they had a Bollywood remake of Thriller that had me laughing so hard the dogs were howling!

Curiously, Andy didn't even come to check to see what was going on. Good to know!

Normally, I get all my video laughs from The Poke Show but he seems to be MIA. I don't think anybody gave him the memo that said vacations or absences are a big no-no when I need laughs.


Friday, April 25, 2008

My life in 3 segments...

More joyous marItal experiences.

Monday night approximately 10:20 pm:

Andy: [excited]
Bee! I was just elected Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

Impressive! How much does it pay?

Uh. Nothing.

Well, that’s okay. Congratulations!

Tuesday night approximately 9:30 pm:

Andy: [sad]
Bee! I was just impeached as Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

The hell?? Didn’t you just get appointed last night?? It’s not even 24 hours and you’ve been Nixoned?

Nixon resigned. I was grabbed by the collar and kicked out the doggy door!

Well shit! You want me to go over there and kick some fuckin' geek ass??

… … No.
... ... Well, maybe. You're not going to blog about this are you?

Babe, you have my word!

(What?!? I didn't say he had my word I wouldn't!)


Can someone please tell me why I keep thinking it's a good idea to bring Taco Dip whose main ingredient is BEANS to the office of The Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence???

What the FUCK was I thinking? Someone? Anyone??


Remember! I will not be posting Saturday or Sunday. Or maybe even Monday. Unless something either very funny, humiliating, exciting, carnivorous, happens!

(I didn’t ask you to point out which word doesn’t belong so shutty!)

You'll be okay without having to listen (I know it should say read but I really do think you can hear my voice in your head) to me everyday.

You may also check my Twitterings here...

Sometimes I just go on there to drop off a one liner gem. They're all gems I know.

I have been buggin' a couple of you to join the Twitter bandwagon but so far I have been denied! You know who you are. And to those of you I haven't asked, it's because I know you'd turn me down saying something about having a life and blah blah.

Problems, issues, disgruntled post office workers?

You may e-mail me at

Am I the only person with lady parts that doesn't watch "Grey's"??<- example of Tweet.

HUMOR-BLOGS!! Where for art thou HUMOR-BLOGS???

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Crackers Ice Boobalicious Gnomes

Okay! Enough crabbiness!

This post is going to be about love!

One of the bats brought these delightfully delicious crackers and I fell head over heels in love! Do you see the heart? That means it loves me and wants to take me home to meet momma Triscuit!
In other news.

Crazy Ez, my sister in law, is one of the finalist at Diesel's caption contest.

I'm not trying to force you because you are all add-ults.
I mean, if you can pick your own socks/underwear, I'm sure you can decided on your own what's funny or not.
Beware though because that Stushie dude is a finalist again so cover your tracks so he doesn't know I mentioned the contest. Shhhhhh.


♫‼All right stop! Collaborate and listen! Ice is back with a brand new invention!♫‼

In last news!

Here is the female gnome I promised Tracy.
A promise is a promise!

Just print it, put it over the face of your nearest chicken and let the fun ensue! Your male gnome will love you forever and provide you with fertility for your garden and um... your marriage bed. Just don't give me any details!

Gnomes Gone Wild Boobies!

Click here for more gnome boobs.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

♫ ♥ ♪ What a man what a man what a mighty mighty good man! ♪ ♥ ♫

What the hell?

Andy and I were watching South Park on Comedy Central.

A commercial for Girls Gone Wild comes on.

3 minutes later, the freakin' commercial is still on and steam is coming out of my ears since Andy's gaze has not left the screen where SKANKY HALF NAKED BITCHES ARE FLASHING THEIR BOOBS! (granted they're nubbins are being covered by a postage stamp sized blur)


Bee [shocked]:
Did they just say [::whisper::] titties on basic cable television?????

I'm not sure, let's find out.



What. A. Guy!

By the way, they said CITIES.

That's all I'm sayin'!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

By George, I think I've lost it!!

More ranting.
I’m sorry. I thought I was okay but I’m obviously still festering the hate within my gut!

Glynda came in and told me OZ wants me to walk to Subway and get his fuckin' sandwich! Last I checked I wasn’t in the catering business!! I was going to say no but it’s so beautiful outside, I thought it’d be good to step out for a minute.

Right before I left I was told 3 times BY THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE that someone needed help with translating. I've said how much I love helping people that really need me. I know it goes against my cantankerous personality but I don't mind at all.

But! Having one person after another come remind me about it really pisses me off! Do you know how much they used to pay for a translator before my humble little butt worked here? $120 AN HOUR!!

If Oz made them wait too long and the translator was here for an hour and ten minutes, they'd have to pay $240 for TWO HOURS!

Here I am, cheap labor getting sandwiches and translating for peanuts! Well, not peanuts. More like almonds or cashews or whatever might be a couple of steps up above peanuts.

Don't worry, my payback was devilishly genius. I went into the exam room with the most noxious banana breath evah!

I know you're surprised at this unladylike behavior coming from me but you know my lady-ness is just an act. I spit and scratch like the rest of you!

Anyway, when I went to buy his highness his sandwich. I noticed I was wearing my very comfortable but ugly skechers. They are so old and raggedy, I couldn't even find a picture of them online!

I've decided to wear these shoes for the whole week until somebody asks me if I'm insane for wearing casual shoes to the office. Then I can respond by saying "You force me to do things like this when you send me across an empty lot full of woman eating geese that would love to have a piece of my bacon butt! I have to run as fast as my short legs will carry me across that God forsaken poop filled lot with ginormous sink holes so fuck off!"
Uh... well I won't tell them to fuck off because it's not Friday so maybe I'll say 'bugger off!' I was watching About a Boy this weekend and English people who talk American make me laugh.

Sadly, I don't think anybody will say anything to me after my outburst last week. You know what? I fear I'm becoming one of those eccentric people who walks by and gets 'hellos' but then people start talking about them once they leave saying how they used to have a brilliant mind but they had an explosion of neurons which made them go INSANE!

The only discrepancy in that theory is that I STILL have a brilliant mind. I just need to Windex it a little bit.

Add to that the fact that my beloved Andy has contracted the most heinous of virus-es-es-es! He is now coughing like Zoolander after a day in the mines declaring he has black lung.

He coughs twice and then meows- COUGH cough meow! The poor little bunny!
This morning, when he was looking for love, sympathy and support I told him to get off his pity pot and go to work like the rest of us! Then I fell asleep for another hour and debated coming in to work. Hey! Nobody said life was fair!
If I remember correctly, back when I was 30 something, my favorite quote was 'life's a bitch and then you marry one!' well there you have it!

Zoolander's comical cough is at 2:24

Whatever man. I'll talk to you turkeys later. At the moment I'm trying to name all the air molecules dancing ballet in front of my face.

Danaher Companies specifically Videojet can go suck monkey balls! You have to wonder what kind of morons can run big corporations with their heads so far up their asses! FUCKWADS!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Damn my delicate skin and sweet blood!

Normally I bitch about Mondays because it's the day I have to go back to work. Now I'm bitching about it because it's THE DAY I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK!

Okay, yeah, I guess there isn't anything different.

I have some news for you. News that will shock you to your very apple core!

As young as I was last year!!
I'm not!

Last year, when I was cleaning out my garden and planting, it took me until about mid June to feel too tired to close my eyes. You know, back when I was THIRTY-FOUR??

Now, after just one weekend, I'm sunburned (sunburnt?) and achy breaky but... I'm loving every minute of it!

My local home improvement store didn't have all the flowers I wanted (which made Andy's wallet happy) so I still have allot to do but so far, I'm happy.

We also had our first customer in our bird bath. Usually there's a line that forms waiting to use the mosaic hot tub. Weirdly, they wait for one to exit before another one goes in, modesty amongst birds?

Natalia is going to take after her aunt, she thinks I'm cool. We made a little place for her to cultivate her green thumb. Her only worry were the dogs getting into her garden and 'shredding it with their pointy teeth and peeing on her flowers!'. Since her wish is my command...

Everybody was warning me against planting so early but I've decided to ignore them and gaze upon my budding flower tree.

Don't worry, I have a back up plan if there's a frost. Andy and I will freeze while my flowers are covered in blankets.

While I was sweating puddles of blood, I came to the decision not to post everyday.

I had a good run but now that it's so beautiful outside, I HAVE to be out there!

Last year we had the Cicada infestation so my enjoyment of sitting outside listening to the rumble of the airplanes was thwarted by the loud buzzing of those beady eyed no mouth Cicadas! Oh and their obsession with flying into my hair and screeching for their mate, NOT ENJOYABLE!

Now, coming over to check on me, will be like playing Russian Roulette. Will you be lucky enough to have a new post to read? OR! Will you have to walk away crying into your gin/tequila/vodka?

Thanks to everybody who sent me emails volunteering to go APE SHIT on every attorney they know. Um... don't! Some are semi, kinda, sort of, if you squint, decent. I'm sure there's one somewhere...

I just discovered something bit my melon sized head! That's the one drawback to being covered in dirt and horse shit!

If you click on the pictures, it won't take you to humor-blogs. Go ahead and take a looksey at my yard but ignore my anorexic little bush....
... take it away jena knee!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Come join me!

Dashing through the snow...

Do you realize it's April TWENTYETH??? Next thing you know we'll be singing Christmas Jingles!

So... I started my gardening. It's been therapeutic but exhausting! My brain is still going thru some shit. Hopefully this ugly dude will fix the screws by Monday.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Under going maintenance of the...

Needed so I don't end up looking like a homeless Olivia Newton John.

My imagination is trying to make me believe there was an Earthquake Friday morning (while I was dreaming about flowers) which is impossible because I know for a fact I moved from California in 1990.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A lawyer walks into a bar and orders a beer...

... only replace *bar* with *my office* and *orders a beer* with *yells in my face*!

Thursdays are usually the days OZ does surgeries so he never shows up at the office. You would think it'd be the best day of the week to work, right?


Usually the bats think it's socializing time. I call it Social Thursday.

The day wasn't bad so far, I'd had my coffee. I was filling pretty mellow, especially cuz it was treat day and I decided to have a BROWNIE for breakfast, YEAH I SAID IT!

I heard the door open and CL talking to a man. The man started getting louder and louder. I hid walked close to the front desk to hear what he was saying, that's when I heard my name.


Picture with permission of All Fantasy Art

Turns out he was an attorney who was pissed off because OZ hadn't called him back. He assumed OF COURSE! that I was the one holding OZ hostage and not letting him make phone calls.
Believable right? I mean, if I can force the receptionist to remain chained to her desk without any peeing breaks...

If you guys were to see me in person, besides being shocked by my magnificent beauty, you would never in a million years think I'm a threat. I'm short, I don't have horns coming outta my head, no serpent tongue. I do have claws though. They look kind of dorky right now because the middle one broke and now I have the most important finger of the set looking naked.

Once CL told him who I was, this douche bag decided to assault my ears with every fucking insult his thesaurus gave him for the word incompetent.

Now, a calmer woman would have called security, the police or Superman.
But no, not me. In the stupidest decision I've made this week, I got in his face and reciprocated in kind.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not but you know what? Fuck it!

I told him to take his shitty briefcase stuff it up his ass and waddle out of the office! He said something about him advising his client to sue OZ and me personally. I asked him if he wanted my address.

By this time Glynda came running to the front desk and the security guy came thru the front door. The rest will be written in the annals of the Asylum. I was shaking but IT FELT GOOD!

OZ came over from the hospital as soon as he could and called his attorney. Now a whole bunch of other people will become involved.

Long after I have moved on, they will remember my name, for Thursday was the day I became a Legend!

It was about fuckin' time!

Oh yeah, to that asshole attorney, HE CAN FUCK OFF!!
Here's the thing. I would like to ask 4 easy things from you.

First, I know you love me so you're probably feeling a little bit of pity for me.


Pity is for assholes. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.

Second, if you leave me a comment, please start it "Legendary Bee". Don't worry, that title will expire after this post. Unless you want to continue, please don't let me stop you.

Third, I need you to help me decide between a mechanical pencil and the old fashioned kind of pencil. I like the mechanical one because I can just click a button for more led instead of getting up to sharpen it.

I like the old fashioned one because I can BITE down on it in stressful situations and it usually reminds me that a bullet might hurt more.

Fourth, please click on Humor-Blogs for me because I'm sliding down the ranks and you don't want to see me angry. ;op


I'm milking my traumatic day by taking the day off and decluttering my house. If I don't visit you, that's why.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

This is not about Madonna's big dick.

-Day 107-
The anniversary dinner was a success! A success I tell you!
It also made me realize the reason why Andy and I will be together until the day I have to change his diapers (hopefully a very long long time from now!) (I need to build a resistance first) is because we haven't changed! Sure, our salaries are higher since we no longer have to live off a fast food nickles and pennies paycheck, but us? We're still the same.

What were we doing 9 years ago? You ask.
Well, I can guarantee I went to pick Andy up at Brown's in my car (he didn't have one back then), then he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. We went to Baker's Square for dinner. I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared pie a-la-mode. We also imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

Below is the scene he re-enacts. It's a Tarantino movie so F-bombs are liberally thrown about as if they were rose petals at a wedding.

Flash forward 9 years and this what happened:

I picked up Andy at home after work (his car is in the shop because some old lady thought she was rich enough to go thru Andy's car), he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. Then we went to Baker's Square for dinner, I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared a brownie a-la-mode. We imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

I called him a nerd he called me a butthole*. Ah true love!
By the way, if you haven't seen Reservoir Dogs (PROBABLY BRIAN!) why? Mr. Pink kicks fuckin ass and Mr. White is HAWT! If you're a girly squeamish girly girl get over yourself and watch it anyway!

Changing the subject. Do you know what this is?

This is a Dunkin Donuts that's literally ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! One block. Only, it's not a Dunkin' Donuts yet. It's been under construction for 100 years! Please tell me what's taking so long. I'm not a fan of the donuts but their coffee? I would gladly substitute breathing air to be able to inhale their coffee.

Hook me up with a coffeexygen machine and I'm a more lovable, easy manageable human being.
I do not agree with Mr. Pink and always always over tip. Unless the waitress is a character in "Waiting..." then I just throw up and ask for a hammer.
*He called me a butthole because after he ordered I said "Ha! I knew you'd order a burger I even put it up on the blogus!" just thought you should know.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I took a Pol and named him my husbandy!

-Day 106-
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.- Friedrich Nietzsche


So… today is the anniversary of the day Andy and I committed ourselves to this loony existence. You'll be surprised to learn we did so willingly, sober and on purpose!

We normally don’t celebrate it because our love for each other is a daily celebration filled with loud expletives, vase throwing, and yes, sometimes even dog feces.

To my surprise, my knight in electrical armor, asked me if I wanted to go out to a fancy schmancy dinner. I told him it hurt my nose hairs to spend money on expensive food so I suggested the following places:


KFC: Meal for 2- $10 + tax

If we order the 3pc (Thigh, Leg, Breast) extra biscuit (giving us a total of 2), 2 sides which would be potato wedges for me mashed for him and we share a soda. Extra Crispy please!


Wendy’s Meal for 2- $7 + tax
2-$1 bacon burgers
2-$1 fries
2-$1 frostys
1-$1 bowl of chili

Plus some free heartburn.


For more expensive fares:


Russell’s Meal for 2- $20 + tax
1- BBQ Pork sandwich w/fries
1- BBQ Beef sandwich w/fries
2- beers
This one sounds good cuz of the booze.


Baker’s Square Meal for 2- $23 + tax AND TIP!!
1- Chicken Pita w/fries
1- Hamburger w/fires
1- Piece of pie a-la-mode (shared)
My first choice is Russell's but one of the times we went, they didn't have beer and I nearly cried...

I think we’ll probably go with Baker’s Square since it’s the more ELEGANT of the bunch and that is where we went the very day we walked into the abyss SEVEN years ago! Full circle people!
Happy Anniversary Babe!
I love you as much today, as the first time we shared that guacamole at Mateo's. Even though you ate most of it after claiming you didn't even like guacamole. I should have known my life would lead me to a path of Nacho hogging!
I think I'll keep him anyway since he woke up in the middle of the night after I had screamed out because I had bent my (already broken) fingernail back and felt pain only women who have had babies know about.
He was all concern "Bee! Are you okay??" I told him what happened then he asked, "Do you need me to bring you anything??"

How cute was that?
Granted, he was probably dreaming (he's a sleep talker as we know) I had squeezed an eyeball out of my head and didn't want me to bleed on the bed, but still.

My dress cost $45 ON SALE!
Also, as your gift to me, please click on Humor-Blogs.

If you think Andy is a saint for putting up with me for so many years, I've known him for 13 years, please say so in the comments.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I once was lost but now I’m at Target.

-Day 105-
You know, I sometimes wonder what posses parents to bring their untrained offspring with them everywhere they go.

Stop. No need to send me hate mail. I know YOUR kids are angels and YOU’RE the perfect parent blah blah blah…

I went to Target to get some of my essentials, stuff that keeps my hair radicus and my skin blemish free and glowing.

There I am, minding my own business, trying to decide between -gel extra strength antiperspirant- or -no stain solid antiperspirant- (always go with the gel, that way you don't have the problem of half the deodorant breaking out of the container after a brisk swipe of the pits), when all of a sudden! Two little kids run by me nearly toppling me over! Okay, not so much toppling since my center of gravity is so low to the ground (my butt) but I did spin around cartoon style and I forgot what aisle I was standing in.

The little devils then started yelling ‘Mom! Where are you??’ “MOM!!’ ‘DAD!!!’ They took a turn at the end of the aisle too quickly, the corner display went bye-bye but they kept running around yelling for their parents.

They didn’t get an answer. You know why? Because mom and dad were probably at
The Elephant Bar having a Mai Tai happy as hell their evil spawn were making me deaf!

Everywhere I went they followed! I finally thought I’d lost them in the underwear section, nope! (not that I buy underwear at Target … … )

More MOM/DAD yelling. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the nearest vacant faced employee and said ‘you better page their parents before I drown them in Yoo-Hoo!’

He went to talk to a manager, the manager called somebody and then all three geniuses came to the decision to take them to their cafeteria area and page the parents.

Are you breathing a sigh of relief for me? Thinking alls well that ends well?


I could hear them paging the parents over and over.

When we were finally leaving, the parents were walking over to cafeteria carrying a Kohl’s bag. This meant they left Target and went to the store next door without their kids!

I’m sorry but leaving a couple of 8-9 year olds in front of a video game thing while you go next door is not responsible parenting. If you didn’t want to drag them with you to the other store, one of you should have stayed home with them. (oh, and yeah, the kids were probably scared to death but you know I was only focusing on me)

On a more controversial note, I once told my sister I’d pay extra money to go to a store where you could shop at your hearts content without having kids bouncing around, getting in your way. She was not happy with me and wanted to add a new orifice to my body. Luckily, I was a few miles away and stopped to buy her a chocolate milkshake to make things right again.
Again, I don’t mean your kids. I’m sure yours are well behaved, mind their manners and don’t leave peanut butter fingerprints on stuff I’d like to buy but don’t because now I’m so grossed out I feel like barfing therefore run into the public bathroom only to find someone changing the stinky diaper of a 2 year old who poops as if he were a 40 year old man!

::sigh:: I think I'm turning into my crazy aunt Mary. Only prettier. But meaner.

Please click on Humor-Blogs for me since this is so unbelievably depressing.

In sad news. The cougar, they're not sure if this is the same one as in the suburb I told you about, was shot and killed in Chicago. Here is the story, if you're squeamish, beware! There's a picture of the dead cougar. I know it was dangerous but it's still made me sad. Some asshole probably had it as a pet and couldn't handle it anymore.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dearly departed...

-Day 104-
You know what I learned this weekend? That I can't trust you guys! You told me the wedding would suck and I'd cry all night while hiding under the table! You lied to me! Here I trusted you and instead you abused our friendship and exploited my anti-social fears.
You should be ashamed of yourselves!

What? You thought I'd take the blame for building up the dreaded wedding and then actually enjoying it? Then you don't know me very well!
It began shaky when Andy introduced me to his coworker:
"Bee this is the other Andy, this is my wife"
I shook his hand and said "Wow! I bet it's not annoying to keep getting called 'the other Andy'!"

SILENCE! No, not silence, I could hear crickets chirping.
Hey man, if I hit a nerve, say so! man up and tell people you don't like being in my Andy's shadow! (everybody was calling him 'the other Andy')
Luckily, my ego is such that I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on to spread my foot-in-the-mouthness elsewhere.

Anyway, the food was excellent (I threw caution to the wind and ate the asparagus! It was so delish, I'll live with the consequences.), the champagne was outstanding (I normally don't like it but this one was sooooo yummy!) the music was fanfuckintastic (Sinatra, Dean Martin, and all the good oldies).

I sat next to Andy's friend Jerry (not his real name, same guy who offered to pay me $1000 for a night with Andy) and his girlfriend. Andy's boss is even nuttier than OZ. He ran out of silverware so he decided to lick Jerry's forks and claim them! He also kept pointing out boobage while his wife was sitting next to him.

By the way, I lost count at how many times guys said "Ouh!" to each other.

I had the honor of meeting Andy's Vinny. Yeah, he's hot but my Andy is way hotter. When I told him that he said "Oh, it's his hair. It's too long. He looks better with shorter hair." ... ... ... I know you're thinking it but you better not dare say it!

this isn't him but they could be twins!

We drove home listening to TheOffspring and blasting "Pretty fly for a white guy!" perfect end to the evening.

In other news.
There have been cougar sightings in a suburb near me. The police are asking the public not to go near the animal and call them immediately. In case they need a picture to ID it, I found one for them.

(Scary fact, she was born 11/11/62 EXACTLY TEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!)
I know it's only April but I'm already declaring the worst song of the year as being Madonna's new song
4 minutes. For some reason it reminds of Chipotle's Burrito Lady. And they made their commercial frist! That's all I'm saying.
I say hey hey hey Burrito Lady! You drive me crazy! Burrito Lady.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Last one of the night

Safely home my Andy is tired.
It's passed our bedtime, G'night!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Woman's anthem

Gloria Gaynor's I will survive. All women on dance floor!

DJs or Men in black alien patrol?

Food is coming out of my ears!


This freakin light keeps going off!

Hand job

They are hand rolling cigars!

Dean Martin

Now I'm listening to Volare. I feel like cleaning.

Can u say LOUD!!

Right next to the speakers. at least I can pretend not be able to hear!


Andy's male coworker just offered a thousand dollars for a night with him!!

Italian wedding



Andy blew my cover now peeps know Im talking about them!

Smooth listening... Kenny G?

Champagne is making it better.

It's Batman's utility belt!


Standing around in for inch heels waiting