So...
Monday was a 2 cups of coffee type of day.
I normally only drink one because more than that has me doing a Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance routine under my desk.
It was also the day I realized that nothing surprises me anymore.
Not even seeing Milton walk into the office bathroom, see a new roll of TP, then dig thru the garbage can and get the discarded cardboard TP roll.
While I’m not surprised she did this disgusting thing (think about it, putting your bare hands in a bathroom garbage can where people dispose of used Kleenexes and lord knows what else!), I did wonder what posses someone to be so Obsessive Compulsive about recycling.
My worry is that, pretty soon, she will lose all grips on reality and instead of just picking up plastic bottles left in the parking lot, she'll be following bums around asking them if they're done with the bottle they just peed in so she can recycle it.
I appreciate the fact that she is singlehandedly making the world a better place for future slackers but maybe she should think about carrying some sort of biodegradable bio-hazard suit thing.
You!
The smart one reading this!
Can you invent one and send it over to our hero of the future please? I don't want her spreading her germs since she touches my stuff sometimes and it creeps me out!
If you don't believe she goes thru my desk, please see Exhibits A & B.
I went to lunch but set a little trap for her before I left. The scary part? I am torn on who gets the crazy prize in this case!
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Milton for acting like Milton or me for staging elaborate set ups to catch the recycling perp!
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She took your Kleenex?! Did it have boogers in it?
ReplyDeleteAnd she left the orange and the shriveled red pepper? Is that a red pepper? A deflated balloon? What is that thing?
No, the weird thing is, the Kleenex wasn't there to begin with... ::shiver:: and that's a stapler. How weird would it be for me to have a shriveled red pepper? Pickled maybe... ;op
ReplyDeleteOMG, lmao.
ReplyDeleteI say you both get the crazy prize.
You not so much for setting the trap..but just because I have read your blog long enough to know you deserve it ;-)
That really is creepy, but at the same time, a lot of fun.
Just think of all the things you could leave 'laying around' when you go to lunch. Alpaca farm raising manuals, anti-recycling books, sex change operation pamphlets.
Just a thought :-D
Maybe all those things moved around by themselves. Maybe you're living in a Pixar movie.
ReplyDeletePoke
I LOVE setting traps for people. Mainly because most of them think they're too smart to get caught. ANONYMOUS people? They're the easiest to trap! Unless you count High Schoolers!
ReplyDeleteYou don't want a trap, you want a boobytrap. Leave something that she's bound to pick up, but smeared with indelible ink.
ReplyDeleteThe patients might get a little worried if you're all walking round in biohazard suits, though I suppose they'd be more worried if they knew what people had been touching...
I'm not sure whether to laugh or get super pissed. If people had gone through my stuff on MY desk, I probably would have started work on my diatribe. Did you even confront on this?
ReplyDeleteIt's time to call the ADT security guys to put an alarm on your desk.
ReplyDeleteOr you could call me to totally outfit the desk in the most heinous booby-trap fashion seen outside of a WWII movie.....
But then, she could get injured.....and then YOU'D have to take up the slack and do her job, too. So, you know...
I think its time to mess with her mind a little bit more. Start putting freaky things in there like:
ReplyDeleteA condom full of mayonnaise
A petrified roach
An autographed picture from your favorite S&M Master in all his bondage gear
A used Kotex.....no wait, she might try to recylcle it!!!
Your trap is both elaborate and fantastic! Sure, you may be crazy, but if you are, then I, too, am crazy because I have set these same types of precarious traps. Mostly in my freezer to see if my husband is sneaking ice cream and then acting all innocent when I go up during commercials on Deadliest Catch for a cool, creamy ice cream treat.
ReplyDeleteYou need to figure a way to string her up so she's hanging from the ceiling by her foot when you come back from lunch. Maybe that'd teach her!
P.S. I'm working on the same set up for my husband, so if I figure it out and make it invisible, I'll let you know!
Something highly toxic or maybe radioactive would also work.
ReplyDeleteYou'd need a Geiger counter, but there's probably one of those in your first aid kit,
Maybe you should put a bottle of antibacterial gel in your desk for her with a little note.
ReplyDeleteDear Milton- If you're going to go through my desk anyway, I'd appreciate it if you'd use this first, I'd hate for you to catch my communicable disease.
you totally need to nip this in the bud.
ReplyDeletemaybe have oz talk to her about inappropriate workplace behavior.
and leaving a nasty kleenex on your desk? wtf? weirdo.
just stick a mousetrap in yer desk. that'll stop her
ReplyDeleteor anyway it'll be fun and joyful.
Father Al would not be proud of her
P.S ewww
ReplyDeleteI think you should shrink wrap her entire desk. Everything! You can't recycle that stuff!
ReplyDeleteFilling a co-workers desk drawer with Vaseline is always good for retaliation.
ReplyDeleteQuestions:
ReplyDeleteWhy do you have a tomato on your desk?
Why, in your crazy trap, is tomato A bigger than tomato B??
Oh, and ElasticWaistBandLady, a CONDOM filled with MAYO?? Is NOTHING sacred anymore??? But, along that same vein, she could take a sponge and make it a paper clip holder or something.
I'd invest in lockable garbage cans and several vats of hand sanitizer. Eeeeeeeeeew.
ReplyDeleteYou should put something like an empty Kleenex box on your desk but cut the bottom out and fill it with marbles so that when she picks it up, marbles go everywhere.
ReplyDeleteOoh and you know what you need? One of those nanny cams! You could totally watch the whole thing! Get one Bee and then post the video on youtube!
Bee
ReplyDeleteI love Tracy's idea, do it!
I think maybe you should fill a water bottle (the homeless way) and see if she takes it. If she does, then we know she has VERY, VERY SERIOUS problems.
ReplyDeleteI am going back to Corporate America next week for the first time in 8 years. This post does not make me hopefully that it will turn out well.
ReplyDeleteAnd LOL at Tracy's ideas. Please get a nanny cam. Just don't put it in something recycleable.
Wait. You posted this 2 days ago?
ReplyDeleteWHAT THE?
I'd like to third Tracy's idea.
ReplyDeleteGenius.
Ew. I'd not even touch the rim of a garbage can.
ReplyDeleteGrosssssss.
Throw a kleenex with ink on it. She'll stain her hand.
HA!
I'm going to bed now. It's 1:36 AM my time.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you are loved :)
You are just jealous because I love her best.
ReplyDeleteOk, I am now going to bed.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of some woman my sister used to work with. She'd go through people's desk drawers looking for food to eat. She'd eat anything and then tell you about it later.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for recycling and everything, but one something has been put into a bathroom garbage, it is there for life. This seems a little OCD'ish.
ReplyDeleteOOOOOOOOHHHHH, I'm digging the boobytrap ideas! We want details, photos, etc. on what happened next, please!
ReplyDelete