The sad sad state of the job market.

It's FRIDAY!! Woohoo! Well, it's closer to Saturday now but you get the picture right?

We've been interviewing all week for the ever elusive perfect assistant. Normally there's a ton of college kids or some seniors in high school applying but this year, it's been a little sad.

Almost all applicants have been women in their 40s or late 50s and way overqualified. The position clearly states it's a part time job that will last about 6 weeks and pays close to nothing.
People have been so desperate that they tell me they'll take anything and hopefully, once OZ sees what a great job they do, he'll keep them.

I know you think my heart is made of black stone but I feel horrible when I have to gently tell them he is an asshole of momentous proportions and is only letting me hire someone because I threatened to make him speak to all the attorneys.

His expectations for a six week period are ridiculous and I might be able to change his mind (I do have unbelievable powers of persuasion, if I want something I get it! Even if I have to put it on lay-away and just admire it from afar until it's mine. I don't know what that means) but I don't want to get their hopes up.

HOW FREAKIN DEPRESSING! FUCKING ECONOMY!

Okay, in order to stay sane and not cry in my cheerios, take a peek at the few nutters we got.

Candidate #7 Maxine:

I don't have any issues with Maxine since I probably will become her (one day in the very near future) but I really don't like the idea of working with another crabby old lady. Also, if you're going to an interview? How about you BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES? Is that too much to ask?

She wouldn't look me in the eye (or eyes because I do have two) and I caught her mumbling a couple of times. She got my blood pressure going and she wasn't even a part of The Bat Gang! Yet.

NEXT!

Candidate #9 Young High School Senior Overachiever:

He was a nice kid and I'm sure he would have been a great addition to Team Bee but he BLUSHED every time I asked him a question.

Imagine this scene.

Bee:
Young High School Senior Overachiever, can you please bring So-and-sos chart from upstairs?

Young High School Senior Overachiever [blushing]:
Sure! Where do I get the keys from?

Bee [blushing because for me it's contagious]:
In this drawer here.

My blood vessels just got back to normal from my partying days, I don't need my face to look like I've been attacked by 100 tiny people with paintball guns.

When I asked him what kind of after school activities he was in (in case OZ let him work after school) he right away said "I don't have a girlfriend."

-Um yeah, I'm... sorry?

Unfortunately, he could only work 4 weeks and I really need the full six so...

NEXT!

Contestant #13 Jessica Rabbit's Ugly Older Sister:

This lady came in wearing a red sleeveless knit blouse with her zipper at mid boobs!
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you're going to an interview where WOMEN will be the ones having to look at your cleavage, would you also wear blue eyeshadow? No, right? That might be just a little too tacky.

When Cowardly Lion gave her the job ap, she complained she didn't have a proper place to sit down to write, could she sit in our office and use an empty desk?

::sigh::

Me:
No, then my mystique when we interview her will be gone after she sees me banging at my keyboard because the "F" is stuck again.
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When we finally interviewed her and gave her a rundown of the menial tasks she would have to do, everything was "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE!" "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
The kicker was when I said she would have to hound attorneys to get them on the phone so I may speak with them, she responded "I CAN BE A REAL BITCH BECAUSE I USED TO WORK IN COLLECTIONS!"

My eardrums are pounding just thinking about her LOUDNESS.

After she left, we decided to hire a nice, quiet lady who was clean, wore a regular neckline and didn't YELL.

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This weekend, we're going to see our Chicago transformed to Gotham City. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months and now the time has come. Why don't you guys go see it too so you can say "Bee has walked down that street full of weird looking clowns! She probably rode that train that just exploded!" It'll be a new bonding experience for us. ;o)

P.S.

To those that have e-mailed me regarding Humor-Blogs, please Do Not worry about it. We cool.

P.P.S

To that person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who sent me this e-mail:

"Dear Bee,
Your vajayjay only stays stretched out for a short time after you spit out a kid. And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway. XXX has that pee sneezing thing and she had c sections.

The More You Know

this was an informative information type ad
from,

XXXX XXXX"

.

So, who asked ya'??

Don't give ME your garbage!

Last Sunday, I took my niece Natalia to see Wall-E.
She's an incredibly intelligent little 5 year old and GOT THE MESSAGE (while I napped and made fun of the boneless fatties).


Take care of Earth, be responsible, recycle blah blah blah...
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She knew all these things already because of her cool Tia Bee (me) but seeing Wall-E really drove the point home.
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Today, I called my sister and told her to come over for some yummy grillin' by Chef Bee and her sidekick Andy (I do the cooking, he is my sous chef)(well, kind of since I have to give him detailed instructions on how to cut, dice and slice)(and what knife to use)(and to stop waving the knife around like a light-saber).



When my sister and her two little girls arrived, Natalia said she had something for me. I jumped around like a drunken boxer wondering what surprise this little angel could have brought me.

She gave me a plastic bag that felt a little light but that's okay, I'm sure it was something from the heart. It didn't have to be big or expensive.

I opened the bag.

Looked inside.

And saw.

Garbage.

You heard me right. I said GARBAGE!



You see, my sister's complex doesn't have a recycling area so she brought it to me, as a favor, because she knows how much I LOVE TO RECYCLE!

I looked at my sister, she was laughing her ass off!
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I'm putting both of them up for adoption!

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And now, views of my purrty garden.

Oh say can you see... a naked British dude is freezing his nuts off!

Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
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Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
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As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
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It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
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Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
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I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
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When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
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Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
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The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
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That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
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Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
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It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
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Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
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He didn't though.
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He lived.
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This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
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The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
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He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
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Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
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ICK!
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That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey (Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first.
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Next up, lunch!
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He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
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First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
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Yummmmmm-eeeee.
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Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
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Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
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I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
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I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
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See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
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So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
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P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
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*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...

I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!

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My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?

Can I hire TWO hotties??

After my Friday boxing match meeting with OZ, (where he wondered why certain accounts are not being worked on and I responded by saying that the cloning machine was defective, it did not produce 20 Bees like I had hoped but it did clear up my complexion) he has now given me authorization to hire my summer assistant.

At first, I was a little upset because this would mean I’d have to dedicate valuable time to training a newbie in the art of Office Bat Mocking… I just don’t have the energy for it.

Then, I became angry because it would totally cut into my blog reading and we all know this is what keeps me, in a harmonious balance nobody alive would benefit by shifting, both sane and insane. Can you imagine me sane? Neither can I.

After listing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to be happy for the chance of corrupting another young mind.

Here is a small list of duties I came up with:

Get here on time to sign me in (where he will wait half an hour for me to arrive but that’s okay because he can make coffee while waiting).

Dust my desk (you’re probably thinking this is an easy task but he would have to move all my junk meticulous files and then put them back exactly where they were)

Once I arrive, get my coffee. (I’d do it myself but I’d already be running late)

Heat up my lunch.

Take Mocha to the groomers.

Take my clothes to the dry-cleaners.

Pick it up when it’s ready.

...

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

Uh, this is all I have for now. I would like to add that I’m hoping the following people apply for this coveted position:
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Brad Pitt
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Reynolds

BRAD PITT
David Beckham
Any other hot actors/musicians/sports dudes

If you know any of them and think they would be willing to work for minimum wage and doing menial tasks, let them know to fax their résumés with a picture of themselves in provocative poses to my attention.
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Maybe somebody over at Humor-Blogs would like to apply to be my whipping boy?

P.S.
I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t have to get my coffee. Everybody knows I’m very particular about how I drink my coffee.
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P.S.S.

An added bonus is that I am a very cool boss. Very cool. And fun.

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I am a tad impatient.

I survived Friday the 13th! Just barely...

So hey. Guess who you should never ask if they know of any good restaurants.

Guess!

If you said old people the elderly then you're smarter than I gave you credit for because me? I didn't see that one coming!

I had a taste for Caucasian food. Why don't we ever call it that?? When I told Andy I had a taste for Caucasian food, he shook his head and said I shouldn't call it that but I had to point out that we say things like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, Greek food... need I go on? To me, things like roast beef and meatloaf is Caucasian food.
But! I guess I should call it something else since it offends my hubs. Let me know if you think of something that won't make him cry (kidding babe)(maebee).

I innocently asked the ladies at work "Hey, Andy and I want to try a new place for dinner. You guys know of any place around here that's good?"

Unanimously they suggested a place called Gilbert's.

"Oh, it's very good!"

"And economical"

"And they give you tons of food"

"That's right good for 2 meals!"

Well, bless their little souls!

Since we don't like having dinner too late and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, we headed on over to Gilbert's at around 5:00 in Andy's crashmobile (it's fixed again... but for how long??)..

Now, it's been a while since I've watched Seinfeld so I forgot one very IMPORTANT thing. 5:00 o'clock is to older people what 9:00 o'clock is to the rest of us young 'uns!
We walked into the place and the bar area looked like somebody spilled a bag of cotton balls and a package of shiny brown marbles!

Senior citizens EVERYWHERE! But that's okay, I'm sure they won't hurt us, right?
Right??



You see that red arrow? (Sorry, I was trying to take inconspicuous pictures, then I figured they wouldn't know what I was doing but the quality sucks anyway.) That red arrow points at a wall that is hiding ONE MILLION elderly folk. I couldn't tell if they were being held back because the wall discharged electricity if they tried to leave or if they were tied to their chairs.


This beautiful picture is of the menu which they blew up to BILLBOARD size, I'm guessing so people with sight problems would know what to order?



Now for my review of the food.
I know why it is so popular with people with diet restrictions.
THE FOOD IS BLAND! BLAAAAAND!!
I have never had to put so much salt and pepper on anything I've eaten in my life!

Plus, how disturbing is this picture? It looks like the little chicken is taking a nap. I should have ordered the ribs like Andy did.


As for the amount of food for the price, they were right.
It was inexpensive, the portions were ginormous and Andy will be eating that poor little chicken for a few days because I just don't need all that salt now that summer is here. I figure all my water retention will still be there naturally.

AND FOR DESERT!!

Chocolate cake with a layer of cheddar cheese.

Okay, stay with me now.

What would you say.
If I asked you if you wanted a slice of yummy chocolate cake and then put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of it??
...
Oh WoW! I’d never heard that word before!

Okay, what would you say if I did that on Thursday and it was the BEST cake I had eaten??

Um, yeah, I don’t call you names so what you just said is uncalled for.

Here’s how it happened.

PD brought in treats for Thursday and these included chocolate cake and little slices of cheese for crackers. I went to have some cheese because we’ve all established that cheese and I have a long loving gastronomical relationship.

Sure, it sometimes makes my stomach talk back to me in the form of lactose intolerance but you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, the cake looked so good I took a tiny little sliver and put a couple of slices of yummy cheddar cheese ON THE SIDE OF MY plate. After I chomped on the cheese, I had a little bite of the cake and the combination of flavors was unbelievable!!

Sooooo… being the experimental person I am, I combined the two and reached a state of taste nirvana they only talk about in dirty movies.

The next time you come over to my house, this is to the 3 of you I trust (the rest of you have threatened me enough to merit me just keeping our acquaintanceship on the interwebisphere), I will serve a plateful of this yummy yum yum cheddar cheesy cake just for YOU.

And don’t try making excuses not to come to my house cuz I will go to your house, hide in the bushes and make you try a piece.

But, enough about me.

Kidding.

I still need you to click on Humor-Blogs for me since I'm sliiiiiiding! Thanks!

P.S.

AMAZON SUCKS ASS! Not The Amazon, Amazon the book ordering place. I hate them. I've been waiting for a book I bought (Driving Sideways by Jess Riley) because Suzy threatend to beat me if I didn't buy it and I'm still waiting! I blame Suzy.

That hamster did NOT just come out of there! Did it?

So...

I know I promised you guys a hilarious post about do it yourself home security but you'll just have to be disappointed. Let this be your lesson on how you don't always get what you want! ;o)

Anyway, instead I'd like you to be witness to another conversation between two people who have been married way too long (7 LONG YEARS!!)

The other night, Andy and I were getting ready for bed when he shocked the hell outta me with the following question:

Andy:
Bee, do you want to read my comic book about a hero who comes back to life to look for his rectal hamster?

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Now, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm not really used to hearing sentences like that right before I go to sleep. Over lunch, maybe, but not right before going to sleep.
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Being the lady that I am:
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Bee:
What the hell are you talking about now???
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He then told me about a comic book called "The boys".
A comic book that spoofs superheros and there is this one story line where one of them kills another hero.
After the hero dies, a hamster comes out of his butt and the one that's alive takes him and keeps him as his ::gag:: pet ::blech!::.

This left me pondering 2 things.

1) What the hell happened to Little Lulu and Archie??? Now they have comics that show pantless hero zombies looking for their rectal hamsters???? Is this how comic books evolved?? Will I ever be able to remove the nail polish I spilt on the vanity sink?

The Boys

2) Have Andy and I exhausted all other topics of conversations that we are now doomed to live in the comic book world???

Noooo! Please no! Somebody throw me a civilized topic over here!

That's all for today folks!

Well, one more thing. Can you please click on Humor-Blogs for me so that I can stay between 15 and 20. I'm easy to please, middle is just fine by me (that's what she said!)! :o)

If you smack me with a 3 Musketeer, I guess that'll make me want one...

Okay, I know you think of me as fearless and unrattleable (antonym for rattled) (don’t look it up!) but I have to confess to one weakness (I think I have more but we will not discuss them on this post because it has nothing to do with babies with guns).

I’m not particularly proud of this so I’ll have to beg you not to make fun of me.

Pop up books scare the shit out of me!!

They don’t scare me in the “Oh look! Freddy Krueger is about to lick the side of my face and spear my throat!” it’s more the “Don’t wind the jack in the box cuz I can’t take the suspense as to when it’s gonna pop out!” kind of scary.

Needless to say, I avoid them like I do beets. I know it doesn’t make sense okay. I don't need to hear your lip!

The other day, I was relieving the receptionist while she did god knows what, I grabbed a magazine and started flipping thru it WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!

Something jumped at me!

And almost hit my face!

I jumped from my chair, hid behind a wall to peek over at the weird hand trying to grab me!! I want to know who came up with this horrible add campaign! Heads will roll people!*



Look how freaky this hand looks!

She's a model so I know she must be beautiful but that hand just looks like an elephant paw (foot?)!

What's next? Hoses that squirt lotion at you when you turn the page? ::shiver:: That would be freaky.

You know who is weird and freaky? Someone over at Humor-Blogs! Guess who and you get a prize!

*I shouldn’t have to say this but people take me too seriously. I’m just kidding about the pop up books scaring the shit out of me. I just thought it would be funny if there was somebody out there who had this phobia.
...
...
... Okay, they scare me a lil' bit.

P.S.
We went to the laundromat today without Andy hitting any cars! Yay!! Also, there was someone who kept trying to take my quarters! Finally I had to sit the 3 year old down and say "Listen! MINE!" then she climbed over my head and ran away. Hey, I had to make an example out of someone.

Dasani (a product of THE Coca Cola Company) oh how you have let me down!

Saintly Dasani Bottle
I don’t want to be rude and say “Fuck you, you piece of shit!” before explaining why I am so unbelievably aggravated with you and hoping you'll change.

You are my favorite brand of water because you taste less like chemicals and more like nothing. That’s right NOTHING. I like that in my water.

I’ve had the pleasure of drinking you for years now and you’ve always quenched my thirst.

.

HOWEVER!

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It would be nice to be able to open the damn bottle without having to use my teeth!
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.

Evil Dasani Bottle
I beg you now to go to the numb-nuts that designed your bottle and throw yourself at their mercy. Ask them to take pity on the proud women who do not like to ask the men in their lives to open a bottle for them thereby confirming what they believe, that we're poor helpless females.

Let them know my dentist charges too much money for teeth transplants so that would be out of the question.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.

Any assitance you can provide will be appreciated!

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P.S.

If anybody tells me Dasani is tap water. I know it! But it's tap water that doesn't TATSE like tap water! It taste liek NOTHING.

Please save my sanity by clicking on Humor-Blogs, thanks!

Observations from the couch.

-Day 76. Nyquil side effects: May cause your bladder to shrink to the size of a toddler's. Once you take it and are about to fall asleep, you will have to pee right away. May cause bruising due to sever drowsiness. Your walk to the bathroom will be zombie-like with the walls moving and hitting you in the face, body and feet. Concentrate once in the bathroom to prevent swaying.
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So...
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I've come to the realization that my sofas were designed by torture loving freaks. I must do something about them before the next flu season.

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While shifting incessantly on them Saturday night and all of Sunday, I was subjected to the weirdest TV shows/commercials ever! Since it is my objective to educate all of you on all the nonsense in the world...

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Mirapex commercial:

MIRAPEX for Restless Legs Syndrome.
"Oh, that's not so bad!" you say.
No, I guess it's not. For people who are constantly twitching throughout the night and kicking their partners, I say give it a try! (Unless you kick them on purpose and just pretend to be sleeping.) but beware of the of the side effects.
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MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:
• falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
• hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.
• excessive gambling or sexual urges
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See, if you tell people the side effects, you're gonna have them doing the crazy legs dance just to get this medication. They'd have the effects of LSD and Viagra all in one! Or am I the only one that thinks this way? Also, tasting something that isn't there????? Like what?? Cheesecake??
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Dogs detecting cancer:
Dogs can smell cancer on patients breath before it shows up in lab tests.
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I just don't know what to say about that. If it's true, cool! But! Can you imagine going to your doctor's office and having a dog sniff your breath? What if he licks your mouth? Would they give you a toothbrush and some mints?
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Then I watched Soul Train where Jermaine Jackson sang "Let's get serious". Don't ask me why I didn't change the channel. I guess I was transfixed by the awfulness that was 80's fashion and dance moves.
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Not happy that I had damaged my brain enough for one day, I watched "The Witches of Eastwick". Who made the decision that Jack Nicholson was hot? He has to be one of the grossest leading men I've ever seen! In this movie he was sweaty and dirty which reminded me of a sleazy car salesman from the 70s. Yuck!
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If you ever see it on TV and have a choice of watching it or having someone remove your eyeballs with a razor, choose the razor.


Happy St. Patty's Day! Now go get drunk!

Harry Potter’s... WHAT?? This post is rated R.

-Day Seventy-something.

Okay you guys, I’m still feeling a little wonky.
My eyes are burning my nose is sore, my hair is standing up on its ends from me thrashing my head around on my pillow, asking the powers that be why oh why must they torture my poor little brain so! Can you get a hernia from sneezing??

So far no response, unless you call having a wet pine cone falling in between my sweater and my warm skin a response. I choose not to think of it as such since this would mean they’re saying “Stop your moaning pansy!” and I can’t handle that type of negativity right now. I just can’t.
Oh, by the way, I’m looking particularly yummy, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I was saving this post for an emergency A day when I didn't have anything to say. Guess what? Today is the day!
I know what you're gonna say "Bee, you're so tired and uninspired".
I am, I haven't been getting much sleep and my 6 brain cells can barely organize themselves to help me shower. Believe me, it's better for humanity for me not to smell funky than to be inspired.

I found this at Tequila Mockingbird’s who is pee your pants funny! She posted this when she was sick too... maybe there’s an omen in there somewhere. She got it off this site.

Even though I’ve never read any of the books or seen any of the movies, I thought it was hilarious! I wish I knew the person who came up with it because I’d buy him/her a huge jug of hot chocolate. People like hot chocolate better than booze, right?

Later Gators! Don’t forget to click on Humor-Blogs before you leave.
I now leave you with. Harry Potter’s Wang.

P.S.
I just read this intro, could it be possible I ramble more when I'm ill?

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Here is the excerpt:

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

My replacements looks more like me than I care to admit! Might be the schnauze.

-DAY 68.

I'm excited to report that I have found the solution to my Spooning problem!
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Who knew IKEA would come to my rescue in my desperate times.
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I told my beloved hubby of ALMOST 7 YEARS COME APRIL 16th (day after the tax deadline, we figured we needed 2 things to stress about every year) that I was going to buy him a substitute to cuddle with.

Behold Hippodot:



She is huggable and squeezable with no danger of being strangled to death unlike her human counter part who wakes up after her air supply is cut off in the middle of the night. You know, that might explain why I've become so forgetful. Lack of oxygen to my brain...





If you think poor Hippodot has a pitiful look on her face now, imagine what she'll look like 7 years from now...
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I did give him a choice between an alligator and a hippo but he left it up to me to choose. Of course I chose the one which would be better blog material! ;op

I must analyze my dreams for they will tell me about the spider monkey.

Day 67. Great Heavens! It's one of those nude female Fire Stations!- Mr. Burns after walking into a strip joint.

So...

Thursday night I went to bed and obsessed about the fact that my post hadn't been very imaginative.

I thought "Dang it!" (I'm back to exclaiming but I'm going to stop swearing, I'm practicing for a super duper trip I'm taking this summer so my potty mouth will be censored to see how long I can go.) (Any guesses how long it will take before I blow it? I mean, I'll probably still swear in my head but not out loud. Andy can be the narc.) (Don't you wonder why I bother with the parenthesis? Me too) "I have about 300 more days to go!"

Anyway, as I was struggling to breathe, TRAPPED in the teaspoon position while the tablespoon snored, my brain in between sleep and awakedness*, I finally solved The Bermuda Triangle mystery!

I did! I figured it out! My next thought was "Oh, I hope I remember tomorrow..." Lately, I've been having great ideas for posts but then I forget them as soon as I blink. They ebb outta my hard head that quickly. Here's an example:

Great Idea. Blink. G o n e.

See? What the heck happens?

Back to The Bermuda Triangle.

I decided to slowly and quietly gnaw off Andy's arm so that I could write down my thoughts and not forget.

This morning I woke up, excited to read my epiphinical* musings! I thought "I'll be famous! My name will be in history books and Natalia's grandchildren will say 'She was my great-aunt, NAY! Awesome Aunt!'."

I looked at what I wrote and this is what I saw:

bermut treangle magnet cargo shit mass whirlpool no surviving burps

Either I was:

A) Asleep and dreaming I was awake.

B) Awake and high.

C) My subconscious was abducted by aliens and/or the government to keep quiet and they are the ones orchestrating the weirdness that goes on in that area of the world for their own selfish needs such as Pineapple hoarding and transportation of a new breed of dogs that walk on their hind legs and clean up their own poop and they removed the truth and left me with gibberish.

Oh well, maybe next time.

If you do solve the Bermuda Triangle mystery, look for all my ideas, they might be hidden under a couch that disappeared in 1953. Try the corner near Puerto Rico.

*I know it's not a word but I have an illness. It's called butcheritis- A habit of butchering both the English and Spanish languages.

No need to thank me for the nonsense you'll be singing later.

-Day 66.

I've got nothin' today. Zilch. Nada.

I'll leave you with a question Milton asked me. Don't be afraid to shout out the answer!

Milton:
What is the name of that one song they sing in church. You know, the one that goes "Haaaaallelujah, Haaaaaallelujah Haaaa-lle-luuu-jah"

Bee: [rolling my eyes]

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" (the one from Iron Butterfly). It's Latin for "In the Garden of Eden".

PasS the mushroOms.

Inn keeper, my room has a weird smell...

-Day 63

Anonymous evil trolls changed my home page from Google to MSN.

I don't know how they managed to do it but my new exclaimless state demands I let bygones be bygones. I'm learning to deal.


Upon opening a browser on Sunday, I encountered an article on MSN about 10 Unusual Places to Stay.


They showed an underwater hotel in Florida which I thought was pretty cool. Some caves in New Mexico and Turkey minus bats. By far the most disturbing one was this one in Idaho:





I'm sorry but, why would I pay good money to be able to say I came out of a dog's ass?

I've always said nothing good comes out of Idaho. If you're from Idaho, I didn't mean you.

P.S.

I'm about to give up on my not exclaiming cuz I think it's turning me into a whiner. I said WHINER.

My top 10 women? I AM an equal opportunist...

-Day 59.-

For Brother Dan, my top 10 list of women I want... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... to BE.

This was harder than I thought. I guess I'm pretty happy being me. Who knew!

These are in no particular order so don't get pissy with me.

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Jean knee:
Nobody has more personalities than she does! No, that’s not a typo. I’m still working on mine, at the moment I only have 2. Sociopath and sleepy.
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Angelina Jolie:
She looks like the type of chick who would kick ass and ask questions later. The Chuck Norris of women.
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Princess Buttercup:
She has a Farm Boy
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Elastic:
She has better access to nachos than I do. I only get them when I go to the movies and this makes me sad.
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Jennifer Aniston:
I love her fashion sense. Hmmm... I bet she wishes to be AJ too.
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Kathy Griffin:
CUZ SHE’S HILARIOUS!! Yeah, she’s somewhat of an ugmo but I’d rather be funny than hot. Although, some days I’m both! ;o)
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The richest woman in the world:
Because she is the richest woman in the world. Don’t worry, I’d give you each a few million to lavish adoration upon mua. I know you already do but this way you’d get paid for it.

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Tracy:

Because she just got a greenhouse and I've been wanting one for about 2 years. She also claims to have tattoos but I've never seen them, have you? Nah they must be the fake ones I keep buying.

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Okay, that's all I was able to come up with and now I have a headache. I welcome any suggestions!

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Please remember that tomorrow is my official Blogging Day Off. That doesn't mean it's your day off from clicking Humor-Blogs for me.

Why steal from hacks? Pick on someone good!

-Day 54. Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.- Howard Aiken

So...

There I was, in the middle of the night (9:30 pm-ish), looking for a small used desk on Craigslist, (my accountant will not approve a purchase of a new one for blogging purposes, he also doesn't care that my booty becomes numb, my back and neck ache from sitting on our uncomfortable art deco couches because the only spot for my laptop is on the coffee table, while he is on his comfy throne in his dungeon) (and by dungeon, I mean place where he keeps his gaming computer, comic books, dolls khhrrm uh... ACTION FIGURES, salt water aquarium, electric guitar, etc. etc.) But I'm not bitter.

Anyway, as usual, my attention is jumping from here to there (me, shoes, desk, shoes, blogs, shoes, me) when I decide to Technorati myself. Why? Because I'm vain.

That's when I saw it. Somebody took my Valentine's post and put it up as their own.

Well, techinically they just took my title, the anonymous quote I found and the Savage Chicken cartoon. Still, I worked damn hard on that post!

Hold on, I don't remember what it was about, let me go check it out real quick. Uh... okay, I didn't work that hard on it but the title... I was so proud of the title: Day of Masacre and Love ♥.

This chick even used the same font! Because I'm about as computer litierate as an ant hill, I can't tell if she linked me. If she did sorry(ish) if she didn't for shame!

My spirit is broken! Please click on Humor-Blogs and make me smile.