A rambling ♫musical♫ Sunday.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me.

He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"

Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)

Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding?
We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd recorded.
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I enjoyed the history lessons given to me by the Metal icons I worshipped in my youth (still do, if you want to know the truth). What I did NOT enjoy was seeing those same Metal icons old and decrepit.
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I did not enjoy Twisted Sister's front man, Dee Snider, showing me how he exercised his vocal chords by singing Ave Maria. His voice still rocks but he made my ears cringe with his Aaaave Maaarrrriiiiiiaaaa.

Speaking of weird, why is it that every time I hear Suzie Q by CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival, Brian!) I want to get up and do a go-go dance??
If I'm alone (the dogs don't count), I will, but if there is anybody else in the room, I just do a half body jam. (I wish I could tell you I look hot doing it but I just resemble Forest Gump dancing to Sweet Home Alabama.)

How much does John Fogerty rock?? One of my all time favorites is "Have you ever seen the rain?"


When I went to YouTube to embed this video, it pulled up related videos. Please click on this screen print and tell me WHAT the first one listed has in common with my beloved CCR!?!? (okay, for some reason you can't click on the picture but you can still make out the title)

I mean, yes, they screwed John Fogerty out of the songs HE wrote but I don't think they did it literally (I hope)!

How did I go from Metal to CCR? I decided to update my iTunes. So now you're going to be treated to the soundtrack of my Sunday.
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During our preparation of dinner, Regina Spektor and Alexz Johnson (AJ courtesy of brother Dan because he loves listening to teeny bopper music and METAL, he is sooo weird).
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I went to grill the meat while Andy made the rice and cornbread. I had to give him a pep talk on the whole cornbread making thing because the instructions on the box said to "grease a muffin pan" and he went to pieces because we don't have a muffin pan.
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I told him to pull it together! We are the Cor-Ruts and we DO NOT let small things like muffin pans defeat us! A casserole dish will just have to do!
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While I was outside grilling our pork chops to perfection, I was listening to the musical stylings of Bob Dylan thanks to neighbor Boomhauer and his posse of happy go lucky drunks.
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Our dinner music consisted of Maná with our conversation centered on talks of how big the pork chops were, how I was happy he didn't give up on the cornbread and how we would have leftovers for tomorrow. This is what happens after SEVEN LONG years of marriage.

A meal just tastes better with a side of grilled onions!MMMMMM SO kissable!
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Then he excused himself from kitchen duty and went back to his dungeon. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with my beloved husband.

Thankfully, he doesn't do this often otherwise I'd never get anything done! ;o)

Humor-Blogs, it's what's for dinner.

Don't give ME your garbage!

Last Sunday, I took my niece Natalia to see Wall-E.
She's an incredibly intelligent little 5 year old and GOT THE MESSAGE (while I napped and made fun of the boneless fatties).


Take care of Earth, be responsible, recycle blah blah blah...
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She knew all these things already because of her cool Tia Bee (me) but seeing Wall-E really drove the point home.
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Today, I called my sister and told her to come over for some yummy grillin' by Chef Bee and her sidekick Andy (I do the cooking, he is my sous chef)(well, kind of since I have to give him detailed instructions on how to cut, dice and slice)(and what knife to use)(and to stop waving the knife around like a light-saber).



When my sister and her two little girls arrived, Natalia said she had something for me. I jumped around like a drunken boxer wondering what surprise this little angel could have brought me.

She gave me a plastic bag that felt a little light but that's okay, I'm sure it was something from the heart. It didn't have to be big or expensive.

I opened the bag.

Looked inside.

And saw.

Garbage.

You heard me right. I said GARBAGE!



You see, my sister's complex doesn't have a recycling area so she brought it to me, as a favor, because she knows how much I LOVE TO RECYCLE!

I looked at my sister, she was laughing her ass off!
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I'm putting both of them up for adoption!

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And now, views of my purrty garden.

Oh say can you see... a naked British dude is freezing his nuts off!

Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
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Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
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As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
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It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
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Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
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I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
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When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
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Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
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The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
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That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
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Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
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It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
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Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
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He didn't though.
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He lived.
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This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
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The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
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He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
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Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
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ICK!
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That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey (Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first.
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Next up, lunch!
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He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
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First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
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Yummmmmm-eeeee.
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Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
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Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
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I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
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I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
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See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
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So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
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P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
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*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.

The mystery of the deflated ass cactus. + Weekend at the movies.

Oh my gawd you guys!! Do you remember my butt cactus???

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Now it looks like this:
My ass has deflated!! I don't know how or why, all I know is that my cheeks are droopy! Andy said he knew something was wrong when the little butt bone shriveled.

My weekend was great until this tragedy hit my household. We made an emergency run to the place I bought it but they didn't have any more. How sad for me!

Don't worry about me, I'll keep looking for a replacement...

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Enough about me.

The hubs and I went to see 2 movies this weekend.

We saw Get Smart on Saturday morning and as is our tradition we went to the first show. The place was packed so we were unable to park our butts in the middle seats of the back row. That sucked but what can you do?
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I give the movie 2 drunk bees for Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson and half a drunk bee for making me giggle a little.

Would I recommend that you go see it and pay $10 (we paid $5 because we went to the old fogies show)? Nah, wait for it to come out on video. Unless you're a Rock fan and want to see his beautiful smile. Soooo dreamy...
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Khrm! Anyway.
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On Sunday morning we saw The Hulk. We were able to get the cool seats in the back so all was right with the world. I give this movie 3 drunk bees.

HOWEVER! I only recommend you go see it if you're a comic book fan (or married to one).
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Speaking of comic book fans. All the peeps living in the Chicagoland area, remember that Wizard World is next weekend.

Normally, I would throw myself on the floor while kicking and screaming saying things like "Why?? Why must you torture me so??"
This year? I'm dying to go so I can take pictures of GROWN MEN wearing neon yellow spandex outfits and share them with the world!

But! The one year I want to go and Andy is all "No, I don't think I want to go this year."

Not only is he trying to kill me but he's trying to suck all the joy out of my life! Then he said something about how he refuses to provide me with any more blog fodder.

I might just have to start looking for a replacement Andy soon.

That's all I have for today folks. If you were traumatized by the deflated ass cheeks pictured above, make sure you click on Humor-Blogs so you can get that image out of your head.

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P.S.

Don't ask me for the recipe to deflate butts because I have no idea how it happened.

I'm in an abusive relationship... With my hairdresser.

Remember when I dyed my hair black with red streaks? Remember?

Well, I hadn't gone to a hairdresser since that day because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in a chair for hours and hours and paying a gajillion dollars.

As a consequence, the red faded and left a weird orangey color but don't worry, I'm cool enough to pull it off.

Anyway, it was time to go back to my original guy whom I cheated on to get my highlights. This wasn't going to be pretty. He was going to go completely ballistic!

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Andy kept making fun of me saying stuff like "The unshakable Bee! Cowering before a gay man!"

Hey! He can be really mean!

Now, I know you must think I go to a frou frou expensive hoity toity place.

I know you think this because I'm always telling you how I'm of discerning tastes and don't like smelly stuff.

The truth is, I used to go to a hair salon that used to charge me $45 to do my hair. Now I go to a place where the majority of the clients are men getting a *fade* and it looks like this:

Don't judge me! I only pay 15 bucks for a great haircut! Plus, you have to be a complete bad ass to go in there and be the only girl in the place. We've all established that I am. (A bad ass I mean)

I had to make up a story to tell Freddy, my hairdresser, so I said I let a friend who was trying to get her cosmetology license mess with my hair. His reaction?

"Girl, she FUCKED YOU UP! You tell her if she touches your hair again I'll FUCK HER UP!"

And he means it too. He took out the big mirror they use to show you the back of your head and said "You see what that bitch did? You see?? Now I'm going to have to even your hair out!"

What did this translate to?

He removed about 4 inches from the length of my hair.

Is that what I wanted?

No. But you know what? He may be short but he IS the boss of me!

Here he is cutting my Andy's hair.

See why I go? It's inexpensive and I get all the abuse I need for the year.

Yeah, he removed half the weight from my head but I love my new hair style! And since I had the orangey highlights, my sister gave me a bottle of dye she wasn't going to use so I got the same *do* I had before for only $20 (including tip).

While admiring my cool hair, I noticed how my eyebrows had gotten all jungley again! The person who normally keeps them in shape recently had a baby and for some reason my eyebrows aren't her priority.

I don't fire her because she's my sister and that would be mean of me.

I took the stupid tweezers and did the job myself. It wasn't as easy as I thought since I didn't have a certain someone holding my chin and calling me a pansy every time I wanted to jump out of the chair.

To take advantage of all this girlie grooming, tomorrow I'm planning on wearing a nice skirt with killer shoes and then I'm going to the laundromat! Don't you wish you were me?

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You too can get a nice hairdo if you click on Humor-Blogs!

P.S.

We watched National Treasure 2 and I just want to know WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH NICHOLAS CAGE'S FACE?? He looks like he actually did have his face removed and then some hack with a butter knife and some fishing wire tried to put it back on! I couldn't concentrate on the movie because I kept wanting to throw up!

Just wonderin'.

Confessions of a Bored House Frau (and by Frau, I mean COOL CHICK)

So... all of y'all know Mother Nature and I have been sparing for months now, right? I mean, sometimes she beats that crap out of me and sometimes I... well, let's just say I use my freakin' aerosol hairspray to screw with her mood a little. No, I'm just kidding. I just use the hairspray to paralyze spiders the size of small dogs.

Anyway, I had big plans for today. BIG! I was going to do some patio/yard work, then gardening (there is a difference, one is cleaning up A MILLION PINE NEEDLES and other weird tree crap, killing weeds, pulling weed TREES, spraying my beautiful plants so that the gawt damn GREEN BUGS stop making salads out of them and the other is planting more flowers), grill our dinner and pressure Andy into mowing the lawn, maybe catch a movie...

INSTEAD!

Mother Nature decided to send our county a tornado. With apocalyptic rain. Luckily, it didn't come near us and the cable and Internet were okay.

When the rain calmed down a little, I went to put my steak and Andy's salmon on the grill. I figured I'd be okay, it's only a little water (contrary to popular belief, witches DO NOT MELT IN WATER you'll have to think of something else). I was able to flip them once but when it was time to go get them, it was as if someone was dumping an endless bucket of water over my freakin patio!
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What to do? I don't mind my steak well done but I'm not really sure about the salmon (not liking seafood makes me think it'll taste like crap no matter what) so I should get it as soon as possible, no time to wait for the rain to stop.

I couldn't have been out there for more than 1 minute and came back into the house leaving mini oceans in my wake!

When my hair finally dried, it looked like I'd stuck my finger in a light socket thanks to the humidity.

BUT! MY POINT FOR THIS POST IS... We were so unbelievably bored!

How bored were we?

Well, Andy decided to stand by my desk chair, pull his T-Shirt over my head WHILE HE WAS WEARING IT and started saying "Look! I'm preeeeegnant!" somebody send me a straight jacket!

He finally went back to his dungeon and I flipped the channel to The Osmond's 50th reunion. Yeah, you read that right. Don't worry, I changed the channel after Donny Osmond sang "Puppy Love".

What do you do when your house is clean, can't go outside, you can't leave the house because the annoying Emergency Announcement keeps telling you to abandon your car if you're out and about since the tornado might send you AND your car somewhere unpleasant like... Kansas??

I'll tell you what you do. You shift around on your uncomfortable leather sofas, constantly getting Indian burns from your skin sticking to the damn leather!

I went to look through our movie library but couldn't find anything I wanted to watch and finally settled on season 3 of Friends. You know what? They still crack me up!

So there you have it. A long boring post because of a BORING SATURDAY.
Please please let tomorrow be better! I'm hoping the words "I need to go back to work!" never pass through my lips.

It's IMPOSSIBLE to be bored @ Humor-Blogs so click and laugh!

It'd be my pleasure to make your nose bleed. Just try not to get it on my shoes.

Alright already! I'm back! Stop with the abusive/threatening e-mails! ;op

I had a nice long weekend and I'm feeling a little bitter about going back to work.
I was this close [picture my index finger and thumb almost touching] to walking out of the Asylum on Friday. But, whatever. Let us not dwell on the assholeyness of all the people who inhabit my work world.

Let's see... what happened this weekend?
Oh yeah! I had a volley game with a moth. I got out of the shower and reached for my towel only to have a moth fly at me! I swatted it but it ricocheted off the door and came back at me. I spiked it but after its dive, it spun and then headed for me again! Was this moth on a suicidal mission? I think so! Hey! I would have left it alone if it would have flown in an opposite direction but it started it! What's up with bugs trying to show me who's boss?? I felt ridiculous so I thought I'd share.
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Anyway, we went to the Chicago Botanic Gardens on Saturday and the day couldn't have been better! I could show you picture after picture of the beautiful views but I'll just show you a few and let you imagine what my paradise looks like. I can't explain the sense of peace that engulfs me as soon as we near the outskirts of The Gardens.

Andy and Natalia at the bottom of the waterfalls. This picture cracks me up because you can't tell where I'm standing when I took the picture. Is he looking at me or is she???
Do you remember this picture from last year? No? Probably only Brian will remember. Here is Natalia using her lungs just like Tio Andy.

Don't they look cute? Even if one of them acts like a 5 year old and is a pain in the ass, I think I'll still keep him. ;o)

As always, after hours of walking amongst beautiful flowers and plants I'd like to smuggle in Andy's pockets, my scalp and nose? Sunburned!
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On a marital note:

We were supposed to see the new Indie film this weekend but Andy decided to throw a Cheetos-like tantrum so we didn't go. I guess that punished us both.

On a books I've read in one day note:

Speaking of Cheetos, I finished reading a book this weekend were they were featured prominently. It's called The Host by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight Series fame. I loved the story but the writing still seems like it's aimed at prepubescent teens. I'm not saying it's a bad thing so don't get all huffy with me, m'kay?
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On a weather note:

I think mother nature has finally decided to make it spring and stopped playing the "ha! I was just kidding here's winter again!" game.

AND LASTLY!!

On a movie you cannot miss note:

We watched Across the Universe recommended by my hippie brother Rick and you know what? It was awesome!! I'm going to buy the soundtrack after work tomorrow (if my shoes aren't too bloody) because the the actors' (and some surprise cameos) interpretations of songs I've listened to since I was able to understand what music was, were so unbelievably radicus that it's going into my iPod labeled as 'Crappy Mood Slayer'. Bono sang my coo coo ka choo song. If you see that movie, you'll not what that means.

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You can slay your crappy mood by clicking on Humor-Blogs and checking out the talent.

So... as Scarlett said "Tomorrow is another day and I'm wearing my new fuckin shoes so it better be a good day or I'll have to wash the blood out of them once I kick somebody in the face!"* Peace be with you.

*she didn't really say all that but I'm thinking she would have if the censor people didn't have sticks up their asses.

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P.S.

I just saved Andy from a vicious June Bug! His words to me, "My Hero!"

The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?

Queen of Sausages
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
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Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
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I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
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Scene Two:

I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
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I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
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Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
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And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
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Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

I am going to have X-Ray screens following me wherever I go so people can see the inner, skinny, Bee.

Soooooooo...
I've been having shoulder pain the last couple of months. Being the complete bad ass I am, I kept thinking pain shmain! I blamed the Teaspoon/Tablespoon position or ANDY for not letting me sleep in the comfort I deserve by restricting my movements.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore. The pain felt as if gorillas were playing tug of war with my arm. Yeah, it was THAT BAD! I let The Bats talk me into making an appointment with the older semi-retired Orthopaedist in our office.
First he ordered the X-Rays and these were the very important questions I asked while in the darkroom with Scarecrow:
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*Does the X-Ray machine make me look fat?
*Will this thing cook my eggs?
*Can you see my eggs?
*Do they look like colorful Easter eggs?
*Can you see if my inner child was eaten by my inner bitch giving birth to the demi-goddess I am now?
*What part of that didn't you understand?
*Can you see the remnants of what I ate yesterday?
*Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom?
*So what if you're just x-raying my arm?
*How many fingers am I holding up?
*Are you sure it's not the middle finger?
*Can it see thru my fat?
*Is my funny bone still there?
*Does it look like a banana?
*Is my problem caused by teaspooning?
*Is that thing focusing on my boob?
*What do you mean I'm the worst patient you ever had?

This is the thing that took my picture

I had to stand facing sideways against this wall thingy
Here is my shoulder.
Can you see the Tendinitis Bursitis with a little bit of Arthritis? What do you mean 'No'? It's right there!

Now, besides the big bottle of generic Tums, I had to go buy a big generic bottle of Tylenol Arthritis!! 'Why?' you ask.
Well, it turns out that, as brother Dan put it, my shoulder has lots of mileage! Thanks to many years of being the strongest girl you will ever meet, my rotator cuff has suffered some wear and tear and I will have days when my shoulder cannot support the weight of anything heavier than 15lbs!

The doc said if the Arty meds don't work, he'll give me Vicodin. There's that to look forward to I guess.

Wouldn't you think Andy would be all sympathetic and want to help me in any way possible? Oh noooooooooo, his first reaction was:
"Ha! Now's my chance to beat you at wrestling you one armed mutant!"

Yes, but then I'll get better for another few months and come back to whip his ass!

I can't help but thinking that I never had problems like these when I was 34!

Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs I'll feel better.

P.S.
I'll be incommunicado Friday and the weekend. If I don't visit your awesome blogs, that's why.
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P.P.S.
Why oh WHY do they make the bottles for ARTHRITIS medication SO HARD TO OPEN??

Later chivatos!!

I need to buy myself a magnetic suit.

The hubs and I went to see Iron Man.
I loved it!
I'm not a professional movie reviewer so don't get all pissy with me if you saw/see it and didn't/don't like it.

I've been a fan of Robert Downey Jr. since forever and always hoped he'd get his acting life back on the right track. He has a way of delivering lines with such a dry sense of humor... and looks cute doing it.

Being married to a comic book gee- uh... hmmm... (shaking my head around trying to dislodge the right word... oh!) comic book EXPERT, I've been lucky enough to hear all about every comic book character ever invented. He made me watch the Captain America & The Avengers animated movie where I first *met* Tony Stark/Iron Man and when I saw the previews for the movie, I was super excited they picked RDJ.


I hope they make a sequel since even Gwyneth Paltrow (not a fan) was okay.



I wonder if this guy was their first choice but he had a prior commitment. Too bad cuz he is so hot!



One of the previews we saw was another comic book made into a movie called The Spirit. I don't know anything about it now but I'm sure I'll be given all details about who created it, drew it, traced it, touched it, ate it, etc. It's done by the same guy who did Sin City and 300 with the same animated style so it looks pretty cool

If you go see Iron Man, stay until the credits are over because there's one last scene.

****Make sure you don't drink too much soda or play with your cellphone while waiting for the credits to end! Andy got mad at me because the screen on Scarlett was too bright. We had a mini fight when I started playing solitaire to distract myself from my full bladder.
I said something mean WHICH I WILL NOT REPEAT OR HE WILL MURDERIZE ME and he almost left me at our friendly neighborhood movie theater to wither and die!
.

Don't worry, he got back at me by letting me walk around all day with mud on my face after I cleaned out my flower beds. A regular Al and Peggy we are! Only without the children. Although, Mocha and Tazz can very well be Kelly and Bud. Mocha is ditzy and Tazz is a neutered horn dog.

I had a very fruitful gardening weekend and I'd like to give you some gardening advice they don't talk about in any gardening show I've ever seen.

I always make sure to wear granny panties, sweats that go above my waist and long T-shirts so as to avoid a full mooning of neighbors and passersby while I'm bent over pulling weeds and what not.

I wish the world would do the same for me since I DO NOT enjoy watching my neighbor Boomhauer or Wilson showing their ancient butt crack to any unlucky bastard that happens upon our street! And one unlucky cool little Bee minding her own business.

Also, don't plant Hostas! They spread like weeds and have roots the size of large trees! I fear I now have a hernia from trying to pull them up without hurting them so I could transplant them to a smaller flower bed.

I leave you to ogle my Magnolia Tree.

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P.S.
Thanks to all your clicks (willing and unwilling), I went from 17 to 15. Keep it up my legion of Humor-Blog clickers!! ;o) ***EDIT*** I'm back to #17 so let's keep on clicking on that Humor-Blog link! Thank you weary mucho!
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P.P.S.
If you're reading this on Cinco de Mayo, have a Margarita on me!

Aloha! Mahalo! Only 30 more years till retirement!

The hubs and I went to see:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall I recommend you go see this movie since I thought it was hilarious! The crotch shots were totally worth it! I am not going to explain that sentence.
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Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had a horrible nightmare in which my dream of living in Hawaii went up in smoke because I was dipped in lava and... well, died.



After that, I decided maybe Hawaii was not the place to live out my last days on Earth. Maybe I could relocate my fantasy retirement somewhere less combustible.

But!

This movie was filmed in Hawaii and my fear of melting was quickly replaced with "Screw it! I've gotta die from something why not end up like all the food I enjoy, fried, charred, broiled, seared. There are worse ways to spend your twilight years."

In other world shatettering news.

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I have decided to stop lining my stomach with the very luxurious Tums since I am single handed-ly putting all the share holders' children thru college.

I am now buying the very generic form of antacid's which makes me lucky enough to buy more for my buck! (How sad is it that it made me so happy to figure out all the math in my head?)
.

Do you see how big that thing is?? How long do you think it'll last me? Two weeks?


Sure the flavor takes me back to when I was in first grade and I accidentally ate the orange chalk we used for hopscotch.

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By accidentally I mean somebody double dog dared me to eat it and I was stupid brave enough to do it.

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Luckily, I grew out of the double dog daring thing so DO NOT think you can double dog dare me to do something in the comments. If you do, I will resist your dares!

.

Maybe.

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I double dog dare you to click on Humor-Blogs.

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P.S.

I didn't know Hopscotch had such a long and interesting history! I just thought some alcoholic addicted to scotch had issues walking in a straight line.

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P.P.S.

I wiki'd chalk and now I'm nauseous! I'm gonna go find Christina (the double dog dare-er) and kick her ass!

This seemed carnivorous to me!

I know I said I wouldn't post but then I saw in the news that Friday was the anniversary of Thriller!

I was all "what? how did this momentous day pass me by?"

Then I thought "oh yeah! I work in a fuckin bat infested hellhole and it's all I can do to keep my marbles in my head instead of using them to choke people... ::breathe::..."

Anyway, they had a Bollywood remake of Thriller that had me laughing so hard the dogs were howling!

Curiously, Andy didn't even come to check to see what was going on. Good to know!

Normally, I get all my video laughs from The Poke Show but he seems to be MIA. I don't think anybody gave him the memo that said vacations or absences are a big no-no when I need laughs.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO! Indian Thriller:

Damn my delicate skin and sweet blood!

Normally I bitch about Mondays because it's the day I have to go back to work. Now I'm bitching about it because it's THE DAY I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK!

Okay, yeah, I guess there isn't anything different.

I have some news for you. News that will shock you to your very apple core!

I.
Am
Not
As young as I was last year!!
I'm not!

Last year, when I was cleaning out my garden and planting, it took me until about mid June to feel too tired to close my eyes. You know, back when I was THIRTY-FOUR??

Now, after just one weekend, I'm sunburned (sunburnt?) and achy breaky but... I'm loving every minute of it!

My local home improvement store didn't have all the flowers I wanted (which made Andy's wallet happy) so I still have allot to do but so far, I'm happy.

We also had our first customer in our bird bath. Usually there's a line that forms waiting to use the mosaic hot tub. Weirdly, they wait for one to exit before another one goes in, modesty amongst birds?

Natalia is going to take after her aunt, she thinks I'm cool. We made a little place for her to cultivate her green thumb. Her only worry were the dogs getting into her garden and 'shredding it with their pointy teeth and peeing on her flowers!'. Since her wish is my command...


Everybody was warning me against planting so early but I've decided to ignore them and gaze upon my budding flower tree.

Don't worry, I have a back up plan if there's a frost. Andy and I will freeze while my flowers are covered in blankets.

While I was sweating puddles of blood, I came to the decision not to post everyday.
I had a good run but now that it's so beautiful outside, I HAVE to be out there!

Last year we had the Cicada infestation so my enjoyment of sitting outside listening to the rumble of the airplanes was thwarted by the loud buzzing of those beady eyed no mouth Cicadas! Oh and their obsession with flying into my hair and screeching for their mate, NOT ENJOYABLE!

Anyway...
Now, coming over to check on me, will be like playing Russian Roulette. Will you be lucky enough to have a new post to read? OR! Will you have to walk away crying into your gin/tequila/vodka?

P.S.
Thanks to everybody who sent me emails volunteering to go APE SHIT on every attorney they know. Um... don't! Some are semi, kinda, sort of, if you squint, decent. I'm sure there's one somewhere...

P.P.S.
I just discovered something bit my melon sized head! That's the one drawback to being covered in dirt and horse shit!

P.P.P.S.
If you click on the pictures, it won't take you to humor-blogs. Go ahead and take a looksey at my yard but ignore my anorexic little bush....
... take it away jena knee!

Dearly departed...

-Day 104-
You know what I learned this weekend? That I can't trust you guys! You told me the wedding would suck and I'd cry all night while hiding under the table! You lied to me! Here I trusted you and instead you abused our friendship and exploited my anti-social fears.
You should be ashamed of yourselves!

What? You thought I'd take the blame for building up the dreaded wedding and then actually enjoying it? Then you don't know me very well!
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It began shaky when Andy introduced me to his coworker:
"Bee this is the other Andy, this is my wife"
I shook his hand and said "Wow! I bet it's not annoying to keep getting called 'the other Andy'!"

SILENCE! No, not silence, I could hear crickets chirping.
.
Hey man, if I hit a nerve, say so! man up and tell people you don't like being in my Andy's shadow! (everybody was calling him 'the other Andy')
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Luckily, my ego is such that I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on to spread my foot-in-the-mouthness elsewhere.

Anyway, the food was excellent (I threw caution to the wind and ate the asparagus! It was so delish, I'll live with the consequences.), the champagne was outstanding (I normally don't like it but this one was sooooo yummy!) the music was fanfuckintastic (Sinatra, Dean Martin, and all the good oldies).

I sat next to Andy's friend Jerry (not his real name, same guy who offered to pay me $1000 for a night with Andy) and his girlfriend. Andy's boss is even nuttier than OZ. He ran out of silverware so he decided to lick Jerry's forks and claim them! He also kept pointing out boobage while his wife was sitting next to him.

By the way, I lost count at how many times guys said "Ouh!" to each other.

I had the honor of meeting Andy's Vinny. Yeah, he's hot but my Andy is way hotter. When I told him that he said "Oh, it's his hair. It's too long. He looks better with shorter hair." ... ... ... I know you're thinking it but you better not dare say it!

this isn't him but they could be twins!



We drove home listening to TheOffspring and blasting "Pretty fly for a white guy!" perfect end to the evening.


In other news.
There have been cougar sightings in a suburb near me. The police are asking the public not to go near the animal and call them immediately. In case they need a picture to ID it, I found one for them.


(Scary fact, she was born 11/11/62 EXACTLY TEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!)
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P.S.
I know it's only April but I'm already declaring the worst song of the year as being Madonna's new song 4 minutes. For some reason it reminds of Chipotle's Burrito Lady. And they made their commercial frist! That's all I'm saying.
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I say hey hey hey Burrito Lady! You drive me crazy! Burrito Lady.