Hey, here’s a new way to introduce me. “This is the lady with a birthmark on her inner thigh.”

The Bats were talking to some old dude at the reception area (I guess he used to work here 100 years ago). I came up to drop off some out going mail and Purple DinoSour turns to me and says,

“This is Twiddlywhogivesashit. [turns to him and says], this is Bianca, the one who doesn’t have children.”

Me [a little startled]:
Are you a door to door kid salesman?

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So this gave me the greatest idea! I will point to them and highlight something random throughout the day.

“This is PD, she’s the one that repeats things 5 times before she pretends to understand.”

“This is Scarecrow, she’s the one who shakes when she’s trying to stand still.”

“This is Milton, she’s the one GOD hasn’t figured out yet.”

“This is Cowardly Lion, she’s the one who likes to cry when she pees.”

WHY ON EARTH would someone tell a STRANGER I don’t have kids?

After the old dude left, I asked how the topic of my non deformed vajajay (sorry moms out there, I don’t mean you! also, I have no idea if it goes back to it’s original shape or what and I kind of don’t want to know) had arisen in their everyday conversation. I was really curious, you know, in case I’m ever confronted with this situation again.

PD:
Oh, he was asking if we’d heard from people who used to work here and we told him about you.

Me:
Okay, but how did you bring up my childlessness? Did you say it in a stage whisper like it was some horrible secret “The girl that works here DOESN’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN, SWORE SHE NEVER WOULD AND HAS PROMISED HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL!!”?

PD:
Don’t be silly! [Doris Day hair Marie Barone twin looking over her glasses at my silly ass]

Me:
WELL TELL ME HOW A PERFECT STRANGER KNOWS ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER PEE WHEN I SNEEZE!!!

PD:
Oh for heaven’s sake! [throws arms up in air and walks out of the room]

What do you guys think? Was I overreacting? Is it reasonable for me to want to know why/how my lack of procreation habits came up?

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Humor-Blogs

Meet the new (Black Canary) Barbie.

Where can I buy those boots?

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Some people see slut.

I see Dominatrix of the future.

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Humor-Blogs

Who sat on my banana???

Well crap! I woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday and it’s only Wednesday!

Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Me forgetting what day of the week my body is living in??

I already have to sing-song my morning routine so that I don’t forget the crucial items that make my day full of sunshine and smiley faces. (Now remember, I start at 8:00 AM.)(Also, blogger is being a weenie head and not letting me post pictures so imagine a big clock at the top -CLOCK!-)

7:45-
Contacts Contacts Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

Contacts to be able to see, take the dogs outside for the last time before I leave.

7:55 AM-
Cont- MOCHA BARKING!! Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

This reminds me to bring them back INSIDE so that they are not left out in the sun like the wild beasts they really are.

7:58 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH BANANA WATER BANANA WATER LUNCH

Bring the dogs in and get my breakfast/lunch

8:00 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS

How many times have I locked myself out of the house thinking I had my keys? I’ll never TELL!

8:03 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Turn on Chili Palmer’s Light BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE

How many times have I walked out without my driver’s license because I forgot my purse? Let’s just say I must have 4 leaf clovers sprouting out of my ears because I've been lucky to evade the LONG ARM OF THE LAW!

8:05 AM-
BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR

I’ve only left the door open once…

8:08 AM-
KEYS KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR WORK WORK WORK WOR- Ooh what pretty flowers!

I tend to get distracted once I’m in my backyard and start checking this or that to make sure those damned squirrels are not killing my jalapeno pepper plants AND MY PETUNIAS! BASTARDS!

8:20 AM-
OH SHIT!! WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK

8:28 AM-
PUNCH IN PUNCH IN

Once I sit at my desk, I realize 2 things.

1) I forgot my LUNCH!
2) I forgot to put on my contacts and therefore am walking around the office with a busted up pair of eyeglasses I’ve been too lazy to superglue back to life!

Now, here I am, bouncing around the office with a skewed view of life.
(Picture a broken pair of stylish eye glasses without one of those ear holder thingamabobs)

I know what you’re thinking, it could be an improvement.

Luckily for me, there is a new mouth spray the FDA is testing for people with Alzheimer’s. They say it has the same effect as pot. A girl can only dream!

P.S.
You guys crack me up with your comments from Monday’s post! I’ll be posting some of the pranks I pull on her to get even.
You people are evil! And I wish you and I could meet for lunch!

LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH…

Humor-Blogs

What happens when you throw a sane person into an asylum?

So...

Monday was a 2 cups of coffee type of day.

I normally only drink one because more than that has me doing a Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance routine under my desk.

It was also the day I realized that nothing surprises me anymore.

Not even seeing Milton walk into the office bathroom, see a new roll of TP, then dig thru the garbage can and get the discarded cardboard TP roll.

While I’m not surprised she did this disgusting thing (think about it, putting your bare hands in a bathroom garbage can where people dispose of used Kleenexes and lord knows what else!), I did wonder what posses someone to be so Obsessive Compulsive about recycling.

My worry is that, pretty soon, she will lose all grips on reality and instead of just picking up plastic bottles left in the parking lot, she'll be following bums around asking them if they're done with the bottle they just peed in so she can recycle it.

I appreciate the fact that she is singlehandedly making the world a better place for future slackers but maybe she should think about carrying some sort of biodegradable bio-hazard suit thing.

You!

The smart one reading this!

Can you invent one and send it over to our hero of the future please? I don't want her spreading her germs since she touches my stuff sometimes and it creeps me out!

If you don't believe she goes thru my desk, please see Exhibits A & B.

I went to lunch but set a little trap for her before I left. The scary part? I am torn on who gets the crazy prize in this case!

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Milton for acting like Milton or me for staging elaborate set ups to catch the recycling perp!

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Humor-Blogs

They can call me Popeye-ette. Like Smurfette only in fisherman language.

I felt like regurgitated dog shit on Sunday (I wish I could say it was from partying over the weekend but sadly it wasn't) so I spent my day indoors watching a Deadliest Catch marathon.

I was bragging to Andy telling him how I could be a fisherwoman*.
How I could haul those pods and bait them, then drop them back in, count out the pinchy crabbers with their long ass legs. I could withstand 20 foot waves and freezing temperatures. I definitely would be an ace at breaking ice off the rails and winches (I think that's a real thing).

Andy told me to go for it since it's seasonal and I can make tons of money while still keeping my job at the Asylum. He'd like to be a stay-at-home-husband with curlers in his hair and just emerge from his dungeon to use the bathroom.
I was going to start packing up my stuff and look up plane tickets -I WAS PUMPED!!- but then I remembered I have rusty-old-shoulder-syndrome that prevents me lifting anything over 15 lbs...

DAMNIT!! I really wanted to go!!

Oh well, it's probably for the best considering I get hysterical when I'm on a boat and can't see land.

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Okay. Some of you are wondering what is going on with Humor-Blogs. You're currently thinking "Bee, I want you to be on top but I'm not sure how to get you there!"

Well my compadres, I appreciate your support but there are a couple of glitches in your plan to propel me to super-stardom (don't worry, I'm already there IN MY HEAD).

First, you have to sign up for Humor-Blogs.
What? You don't have a blog and/or you don't want to add your blog to H-B? Don't worry my friends, you don't have to. Just sign up and click on the "Just want to rate blogs" thingamajig then you'll be half way there!

Next, you have to click on the laughing face just beneath the title of my post once you're at Humor-Blogs.
THE LAUGHING FACE.

If you click on the smiling one, your point will NOT count. It has to be the LAUGHING one. If you click on the sad face, you will be detracting points from me and I've already threatened people, world wide, on the foolishness of inciting my wrath.

Are you confused? Me too!
Voting for me is entirely up to you, I won't ban you if you don't. ;o)
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*Spellcheck is telling me there is no such thing as a fisherwoman but they are suggesting WASHERWOMAN... it figures that spellcheck would be a MAN!

Don't give ME your garbage!

Last Sunday, I took my niece Natalia to see Wall-E.
She's an incredibly intelligent little 5 year old and GOT THE MESSAGE (while I napped and made fun of the boneless fatties).


Take care of Earth, be responsible, recycle blah blah blah...
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She knew all these things already because of her cool Tia Bee (me) but seeing Wall-E really drove the point home.
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Today, I called my sister and told her to come over for some yummy grillin' by Chef Bee and her sidekick Andy (I do the cooking, he is my sous chef)(well, kind of since I have to give him detailed instructions on how to cut, dice and slice)(and what knife to use)(and to stop waving the knife around like a light-saber).



When my sister and her two little girls arrived, Natalia said she had something for me. I jumped around like a drunken boxer wondering what surprise this little angel could have brought me.

She gave me a plastic bag that felt a little light but that's okay, I'm sure it was something from the heart. It didn't have to be big or expensive.

I opened the bag.

Looked inside.

And saw.

Garbage.

You heard me right. I said GARBAGE!



You see, my sister's complex doesn't have a recycling area so she brought it to me, as a favor, because she knows how much I LOVE TO RECYCLE!

I looked at my sister, she was laughing her ass off!
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I'm putting both of them up for adoption!

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And now, views of my purrty garden.

Oh say can you see... a naked British dude is freezing his nuts off!

Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
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Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
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As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
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It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
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Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
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I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
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When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
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Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
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The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
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That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
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Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
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It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
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Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
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He didn't though.
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He lived.
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This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
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The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
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He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
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Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
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ICK!
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That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey (Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first.
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Next up, lunch!
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He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
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First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
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Yummmmmm-eeeee.
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Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
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Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
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I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
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I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
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See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
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So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
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P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
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*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.

Killing Bee's Big Dick Is An Impossibility.

I need to know who was the wise guy?
Who typed in "Bee's big dick" into Google?? You must have liked what you saw cuz you stayed for almost 6 minutes.
That's my own personal record you know, 6 minutes...

click on image to enlarge, don't worry, it won't take you to Humor-Blogs ..
Then the next one was "having dreams of trying to kill a bee" what the hell have I done to deserve that??
click on image to enlarge, don't worry, it won't take you to Humor-Blogs
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I recently checked my seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com email and I gotta say there's a lot of haters out there. A lot. Some lovers but way too many haters. More on that later.

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If you're a hater and love to spew stuff, SERIOUSLYWHOGIVESACARP@GMAIL.COM I'll be waiting!

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Also, stay tuned for a post on the Fourth of July titled "Be forewarned British people, Fourth of July is coming to a blog near you!" (umm... sorry Brian.)(sort of).

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P.S.

Bees don't have peniseses (or is it peni?) they have PEANUTS!

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P.P.S.

It's only a matter time before I'm knocked off the front page of Humor-Blogs and I want to thank all my faithful clickers for taking the time and clicking for yours truly. If there's anything I can do for you by way of monetary compensation, please fill out a W-2 form (with your SS#) and send to my attention.

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...

I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!

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My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?

Can I hire TWO hotties??

After my Friday boxing match meeting with OZ, (where he wondered why certain accounts are not being worked on and I responded by saying that the cloning machine was defective, it did not produce 20 Bees like I had hoped but it did clear up my complexion) he has now given me authorization to hire my summer assistant.

At first, I was a little upset because this would mean I’d have to dedicate valuable time to training a newbie in the art of Office Bat Mocking… I just don’t have the energy for it.

Then, I became angry because it would totally cut into my blog reading and we all know this is what keeps me, in a harmonious balance nobody alive would benefit by shifting, both sane and insane. Can you imagine me sane? Neither can I.

After listing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to be happy for the chance of corrupting another young mind.

Here is a small list of duties I came up with:

Get here on time to sign me in (where he will wait half an hour for me to arrive but that’s okay because he can make coffee while waiting).

Dust my desk (you’re probably thinking this is an easy task but he would have to move all my junk meticulous files and then put them back exactly where they were)

Once I arrive, get my coffee. (I’d do it myself but I’d already be running late)

Heat up my lunch.

Take Mocha to the groomers.

Take my clothes to the dry-cleaners.

Pick it up when it’s ready.

...

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

Uh, this is all I have for now. I would like to add that I’m hoping the following people apply for this coveted position:
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Brad Pitt
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Reynolds

BRAD PITT
David Beckham
Any other hot actors/musicians/sports dudes

If you know any of them and think they would be willing to work for minimum wage and doing menial tasks, let them know to fax their résumés with a picture of themselves in provocative poses to my attention.
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Maybe somebody over at Humor-Blogs would like to apply to be my whipping boy?

P.S.
I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t have to get my coffee. Everybody knows I’m very particular about how I drink my coffee.
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P.S.S.

An added bonus is that I am a very cool boss. Very cool. And fun.

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I am a tad impatient.

Ah yes, my single years as a psycho magnet.

You know what I just remembered that almost gave me a stroke??
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I unintentionally put a hit out on myself about 14 years ago!
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When I worked at the Brown's Chicken place, there was this weird manager guy (we'll call him Martin) who had the craziest crush on me.
Please picture Milton (not to be confused with the Milton that works in my office, that's another kind of insane) from Office Space only a lot younger and thinner.

I would sometimes catch him staring at me with such an intense look, he'd realize I noticed him staring but he never looked away!
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Okay, I just shivered!
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My friend (who I shall name Brenda) and I used to play "Key keep away". Which was hiding the register key from each other to see who could finish counting out their register drawer first.
Okay, the game was kind of lame. Would it be better if I told you that the one who lost had to buy the beer?
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One day, I'd gotten the key first and she was chasing me around the store. Once she finally caught me, she was trying to pry it from my hand. We were laughing and I was doing pretty good at keeping it away from her which was impressive since Brenda was an Amazon woman.
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All of a sudden, Martin came flying from around the cook aisle, grabbed her wrist and started yelling "Let her go! LET HER GOOOO!"
He went from quiet, unassuming sociopath, to crazed maniac in a matter of seconds! He wouldn't let go of her wrist until I reassured him we were playing.
...
Yeah!
Dude had the makings of the next Norman Bates!
Anyway, before his bizarre outburst, he and I had a conversation about aging. I was about 20 or 21 and he must have been in his late twenties early thirties. I mentioned how aging freaked me out.
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---Before you read the rest, I need to remind you I was very very young AND PROBABLY DRUNK!---
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Bee:
I don't want to turn 50! It scares the shit out of me! Promise to shoot me the day before my 50th birthday.
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His chilling response, in a dead serious tone.

Martin:
I promise.
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DID YOU JUST GET CHILLS??
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Imagine how I felt today while washing my hands when this memory floated into my head!!!
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Shortly after that, he was transferred to another Brown's and I didn't see him until years later but stupid me never remembered to call off the hit on MYSELF!

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On a scale from one to ten with one being Rocket Scientist and ten being a tone deaf gorilla, how dumb was young Bee?

If you click on Humor-Blogs you might save my life.

P.S.
Yes, tone deaf gorillas are dumber than gorillas who can sing. I'd prove it to you but I'm just too lazy to go hunting right now.

The mystery of the deflated ass cactus. + Weekend at the movies.

Oh my gawd you guys!! Do you remember my butt cactus???

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Now it looks like this:
My ass has deflated!! I don't know how or why, all I know is that my cheeks are droopy! Andy said he knew something was wrong when the little butt bone shriveled.

My weekend was great until this tragedy hit my household. We made an emergency run to the place I bought it but they didn't have any more. How sad for me!

Don't worry about me, I'll keep looking for a replacement...

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Enough about me.

The hubs and I went to see 2 movies this weekend.

We saw Get Smart on Saturday morning and as is our tradition we went to the first show. The place was packed so we were unable to park our butts in the middle seats of the back row. That sucked but what can you do?
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I give the movie 2 drunk bees for Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson and half a drunk bee for making me giggle a little.

Would I recommend that you go see it and pay $10 (we paid $5 because we went to the old fogies show)? Nah, wait for it to come out on video. Unless you're a Rock fan and want to see his beautiful smile. Soooo dreamy...
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Khrm! Anyway.
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On Sunday morning we saw The Hulk. We were able to get the cool seats in the back so all was right with the world. I give this movie 3 drunk bees.

HOWEVER! I only recommend you go see it if you're a comic book fan (or married to one).
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Speaking of comic book fans. All the peeps living in the Chicagoland area, remember that Wizard World is next weekend.

Normally, I would throw myself on the floor while kicking and screaming saying things like "Why?? Why must you torture me so??"
This year? I'm dying to go so I can take pictures of GROWN MEN wearing neon yellow spandex outfits and share them with the world!

But! The one year I want to go and Andy is all "No, I don't think I want to go this year."

Not only is he trying to kill me but he's trying to suck all the joy out of my life! Then he said something about how he refuses to provide me with any more blog fodder.

I might just have to start looking for a replacement Andy soon.

That's all I have for today folks. If you were traumatized by the deflated ass cheeks pictured above, make sure you click on Humor-Blogs so you can get that image out of your head.

.

P.S.

Don't ask me for the recipe to deflate butts because I have no idea how it happened.

WoMAN without children first!

Listen, I know you guys are always envying the life I live because of all the excitement in my day to day survival of all things INSANE.

However, to live like me, you have to have quick reflexes (mine aren’t as fast as they used to be but I can still jump out of the way of an oncoming vehicle driven by an old lady looking for her lost penny), a controllable gag reflex (trust me on this, the rotten air will one day make Al Gore come and pay them a visit), a whip (to keep people in line) some cool shoes and a heart of stone (the harder the better).

Anyway, I had just dragged my sleepy butt into the office when our Thursday staff meeting was called. No sooner had we all assumed the position when the alarms in the building started BLARING! Now, I don’t know about you guys but I took it as sign to EVACUATE the building!

Can you imagine my surprise when my partners in lunacy looked at each other with wide surprised eyes asking “what. mean. that. noise? me. dodohead. ninny muggings.”

I can sympathize a little since I hadn’t had my morning cup of glorious-heaven’s-brew and was slightly groggy but I still KNEW to exit stage left.



I calmly walked back to the business office, located my car keys (it's always a mystery to me how they end up somewhere I know I didn't put them), grabbed my Betty Boop messenger bag, stuffed my cell phone and water in there, debated whether I had time to make coffee, decided against it and went out to the parking lot where other confused people were being blinded by the morning light, all in a matter of seconds. Did I wait for anybody from my own office? Hhhhell no! It’s every able bodied person for themselves!

Since we didn’t have a plan in place in case of an emergency evacuation and since the parking lot is tiny, I unlocked my car, pulled out a magazine and sat down waiting for the 'all clear' from the hot (HOT!) firemen.

Meanwhile, back in the Asylum, pandemonium had erupted! Should this one bring her pictures? What about the petty cash? The back up system? AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!! All this while I was reading about new techniques to keep your container garden healthy and listening to music in my comfy car.

When they finally made their way out of the building, it was decided we should all go to the corner so as not to get maimed by falling sheets of broken glass.

I know you're crazy about my mad drawing skillz!

There we were, standing around looking for signs of smoke.

Can you see it?

No.

Can you smell it?

No.

How hot are the firemen? So hot they can start a fire by just walking into a room! (okay, that was from me, I seemed to be having a one track mind for a moment there)
.

Wait! Here comes one now! [repeating in my head ‘I’m married I’m married’] What’s that you say Mr. Gorgeous Fireman? The MORONS LOCKED THE DOOR TO OUR OFFICE SO YOU CAN’T GET IN WITHOUT BREAKING A DOOR WITH YOUR NICE BIG AXE??

Are you wondering how these people operate without the help of a life coach guiding their every step? Me too.

It turns out it was nothing. Just some lady who smokes, smelled smoke so she went all Gung-ho and called the Hot firemen. I’m saving that little useful trick for later. ‘I’m married I’m married’

On an unrelated note, half the building lost power NOT DUE TO THE NON EXISTING FIRE so they brought a generator to power the medical building.

Were they serious?????? Look how tiny!

They must have heard me laughing because they called in the big guns! Still kinda small but better than the rinky dinky one I'd use to power my cellphone.

You know who I would save from a fire? The people over at Humor-Blogs.

The day I met a guy with soft Soft SOFT hands.

Okay. I don’t know when this affliction started I really don’t. I don’t remember having issues in my teens but maybe my brain hadn’t completely lost its path to saneness. Naw, who am I kiddin’ I’ve always been this SPECIAL.

Anyway, last week, an attorney decided he wanted to meet the legend that is *I* in person. He asked if we could schedule a lunch —neutral territory I’m assuming— so we may discuss his request on reducing our fees by 20%.

That doesn’t sound like allot right? 20%? Well, that would reduce our fees by $24,000 and we were offering a very generous $12,000. I stuck to my guns for a few weeks so this was his desperate attempt to talk some *sense* into me.

I had to refuse the offer of lunch (we try not to leave work during the day so as not to scare the normal folk) but I spoke to OZ who told me to invite him on over to the asylum.

By some evil prank played by the devil himself! I forgot all about it and wore regular business casual clothes (with a small bleach stain on the butt which I didn’t notice until I took off my pants later that day!) (I took off my pants to put on a pair of shorts WHEN I WAS HOME I don't want you thinking those thoughts in my presence) and not my usual showered, slicked-out, lacquered-up, killer-shoes, very businessy attire I wear when meeting with OZ and/or other dangerous people.

CL called me as soon as the attorney arrived. I went out to greet him and he ::shudder:: extended his hand ::gag:: and I took it ::bugh:: and it was super smooth and SOFT ::blech::!

Listen, I don’t want to come off looking like a Soft-ist in your eyes. I have nothing against men having baby smooth hands, I just don’t want them touching me.

I AM GETTING ALL TWITCHY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!

And not the good kind of twitchy.

As soon as I let go, I wanted desperately to scrub my hand on the side of my pants! It was itchy and I could have sworn little bumps were forming on my palm!

When OZ, Glynda and I excused ourselves to discuss our negotiation, OZ asked me what I thought about the attorney, he seemed like a nice guy should we go ahead and accept his offer?

What do I say? I want the guy to leave because he’s giving me the heebie jeebies!

No! I must maintain my objectivity and professionalism but I found myself blurting:

“Give it to him! Sign whatever he wants!”

The moral of the story here is, yelling at me will not convince me you're right. Having soft hands, besides making me want to hurl, will get you further in the negotiations game.

I'm just telling you please don't tell anybody else! Well, you can tell all the people over at Humor-Blogs or maybe you can click on it anyway.

P.S.

If you are a man with soft hands, I wasn't trying to insult you... maybe just a little bit. You can always use a cheese grater to fix the problem. That's just a suggestion so don't sue me if it hurts or you pass out due to loss of blood.

DEAR GOD ANDY! WHAT NOW???

I’m not gonna say Andy has driving issues. Nope. Those words will not come out of my mouth or er, fingers. I just want to point out that years of me pulling my car into the garage have never resulted in this.
My car is at the bottom of that pile of massacred bins.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, put my car in the garage so as not to back into it AGAIN.
Instead, THAT SOMEBODY, knocked into the tower of bins we have lined up against the wall, rigging them to fall after the garage door closed therefore leaving them for me to find this morning when I was in my usual hurry to get to work.

What?
You say it’s my fault for putting them in the garage in the first place?
Ha! I put them exactly where the husband told me to so neener neener to you!

I had to remove bin guts from my car which caused me to, not only be late for work (well, LATER THAN USUAL), once I got to work I couldn’t remember if I had closed the gawt dang garage door!

I had to get my happy ass back in my car and drive ALL* the way home, just to check on the door that I must’ve closed in the middle of all my mumbling and grumbling without realising because it was closed!

When I called Andy to inform him of the daily obstacles he litters my life's path with, just for shits and giggles, he said I get flustered too easily and I need to get ahold of myself.

Isn't he a sweetie pie? He's just lucky I didn't know where his happy ass was stationed at the moment because I would have driven over there and given him a fluster of fists to the face. Just kidding. maybe.

*Okay, so it was only 10 minutes round trip but those are 10 minutes I will never get back! What if I needed those 10 minutes to do something useful? Like maybe click on Humor-Blogs? Sure, I can find the time somewhere else but then I'd have to put off doing something else. Who will tell the children I can no longer teach them how to read and write? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (I have no idea what that’s about so don’t ask)
Also, if you're thinking I had time to do a post WHILE AT WORK... who asked you?

I survived Friday the 13th! Just barely...

So hey. Guess who you should never ask if they know of any good restaurants.

Guess!

If you said old people the elderly then you're smarter than I gave you credit for because me? I didn't see that one coming!

I had a taste for Caucasian food. Why don't we ever call it that?? When I told Andy I had a taste for Caucasian food, he shook his head and said I shouldn't call it that but I had to point out that we say things like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, Greek food... need I go on? To me, things like roast beef and meatloaf is Caucasian food.
But! I guess I should call it something else since it offends my hubs. Let me know if you think of something that won't make him cry (kidding babe)(maebee).

I innocently asked the ladies at work "Hey, Andy and I want to try a new place for dinner. You guys know of any place around here that's good?"

Unanimously they suggested a place called Gilbert's.

"Oh, it's very good!"

"And economical"

"And they give you tons of food"

"That's right good for 2 meals!"

Well, bless their little souls!

Since we don't like having dinner too late and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, we headed on over to Gilbert's at around 5:00 in Andy's crashmobile (it's fixed again... but for how long??)..

Now, it's been a while since I've watched Seinfeld so I forgot one very IMPORTANT thing. 5:00 o'clock is to older people what 9:00 o'clock is to the rest of us young 'uns!
We walked into the place and the bar area looked like somebody spilled a bag of cotton balls and a package of shiny brown marbles!

Senior citizens EVERYWHERE! But that's okay, I'm sure they won't hurt us, right?
Right??



You see that red arrow? (Sorry, I was trying to take inconspicuous pictures, then I figured they wouldn't know what I was doing but the quality sucks anyway.) That red arrow points at a wall that is hiding ONE MILLION elderly folk. I couldn't tell if they were being held back because the wall discharged electricity if they tried to leave or if they were tied to their chairs.


This beautiful picture is of the menu which they blew up to BILLBOARD size, I'm guessing so people with sight problems would know what to order?



Now for my review of the food.
I know why it is so popular with people with diet restrictions.
THE FOOD IS BLAND! BLAAAAAND!!
I have never had to put so much salt and pepper on anything I've eaten in my life!

Plus, how disturbing is this picture? It looks like the little chicken is taking a nap. I should have ordered the ribs like Andy did.


As for the amount of food for the price, they were right.
It was inexpensive, the portions were ginormous and Andy will be eating that poor little chicken for a few days because I just don't need all that salt now that summer is here. I figure all my water retention will still be there naturally.

AND FOR DESERT!!

Chocolate cake with a layer of cheddar cheese.

Okay, stay with me now.

What would you say.
If I asked you if you wanted a slice of yummy chocolate cake and then put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of it??
...
Oh WoW! I’d never heard that word before!

Okay, what would you say if I did that on Thursday and it was the BEST cake I had eaten??

Um, yeah, I don’t call you names so what you just said is uncalled for.

Here’s how it happened.

PD brought in treats for Thursday and these included chocolate cake and little slices of cheese for crackers. I went to have some cheese because we’ve all established that cheese and I have a long loving gastronomical relationship.

Sure, it sometimes makes my stomach talk back to me in the form of lactose intolerance but you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, the cake looked so good I took a tiny little sliver and put a couple of slices of yummy cheddar cheese ON THE SIDE OF MY plate. After I chomped on the cheese, I had a little bite of the cake and the combination of flavors was unbelievable!!

Sooooo… being the experimental person I am, I combined the two and reached a state of taste nirvana they only talk about in dirty movies.

The next time you come over to my house, this is to the 3 of you I trust (the rest of you have threatened me enough to merit me just keeping our acquaintanceship on the interwebisphere), I will serve a plateful of this yummy yum yum cheddar cheesy cake just for YOU.

And don’t try making excuses not to come to my house cuz I will go to your house, hide in the bushes and make you try a piece.

But, enough about me.

Kidding.

I still need you to click on Humor-Blogs for me since I'm sliiiiiiding! Thanks!

P.S.

AMAZON SUCKS ASS! Not The Amazon, Amazon the book ordering place. I hate them. I've been waiting for a book I bought (Driving Sideways by Jess Riley) because Suzy threatend to beat me if I didn't buy it and I'm still waiting! I blame Suzy.

What is the dealio with the absence of drier #13???

Superstitious much?

Also? Andy said he ENJOYED going to The Mat!

The un-airconditioned Mat!!

People call me the crazy one in the relationship but I think they need to reevaluate some shit here!