Thursday, July 31, 2008

I too am going to blame all of my mistakes on those devious elves!

I was trying really hard to find something else to talk about other than work. I really was, but then I remembered I had started this blog to RANT about life/work shit so I decided to stop second guessing my posts. Jeezus Jones! It's not like I'm being judged over here...

Anyway.

P-T S has added an extra little excitement to my life in the form of, gut wrenching fury, acid to the crotch, hammer to the head, adventures.

I have only met one other person in my life who swears they did everything right but mischievous elves came and fucked with their perfection and left them standing there looking like nitwits.

I once worked with this guy we'll call Frankie. Frankie was a breader (person who breaded the chicken, and cleaned the restaurant) at the illustrious Brown's Chicken & Pasta and was a huge pain in the ass.


Every single time I told him to do something, he would stand there, in his skinny jeans, bob his head up and down saying "okay okay okay" then do the complete OPPOSITE of what I told him. Whenever I would confront him, his response would always be

"I swear I did it right!"

Bee:
Frankie? I asked for 8 chicken breasts and you gave me 8 thighs.

Frankie:
No. I swear I gave you 8 breasts. They must be in there somewhere!

Bee:
Really? Where would they go Frankie? Did they evaporate? Did they escape through the tiny little holes then force themselves through the pipes and are now making their way to KFC?

Frankie:
I dunno but I swear I gave them to you!

Andy and I have many reminiscing laughs at Frankie's expense since he was also a character. He was shaped like an old fashioned match stick, skinny as can be with fiery red hair in a mini afro and freckles. He tended to repeat things and do a little shuffle when he was put on the spot. This was the reason I never fired him. Because he made me giggle. Don't judge me, I lead a very sad life!

Flash forward about a hundred years and I no longer find it even a little bit fuckin amusing.
I no longer giggle when I'm told "I swear I did it right!". Instead, my jaw tightens, my hands curl into fists and I pray for a super villain to come take me as his hostage, then splatter my guts when no one wants to pay him the $10 he's asking for my freedom.

Sadly, I'm cursed with being the ultimate professional so I haven't let loose with the expletives itching to escape my mouth and slap some sense into little Miss No Brains. This was the constructive criticism I gave her.

"I appreciate that you're still learning but DO NOT tell me you are following my instructions. If you were, your notes/memos would be in the system and your itemized statement would have printed. IT'S NOT THE SYSTEM, IT'S YOU."

Her response was to tell me how she had mastered the first step. Big woop!


So, for the next few seconds, I am going to say what I really want to say to Female Frankie.

"Listen very carefully you stupid shithead. In my 3 years at the Asylum, I have never had the system EAT any notes/memos I entered. If they're not there, it's because your brain dead body did not enter YES when the easy-as-fuckin-breathing system asked you if you WANTED to save your notes/memo. If the itemized statement didn't print, it's because your dumbass DID NOT ENTER YES when the system asked if the printer was ready. MY 5 YEAR OLD NIECE could do a better job than you do WHILE IN HER SLEEP! You fuckin waste of space!!"

"And P.S. Stop telling me your head hurts from all these things you're learning! Because A) you are obviously NOT learning anything and B) imagine how mine feels now that I have a 45 lb empty head hanging from my neck????"


Thank you for listening,

Bee.


P.S.
To my "AnonyMOUSE" hater (who I think followed me from Uproarious, aren't I the lucky one that gets all the weirdos? I feel so honored to inspire random hate from bottom dwellers) who wrote this:
--
Anonymous said...
Why is it that when men say something “mean” about women "we’re" sexist but when women turn around and say the same shit about men "they’re" not sexist? Men are funnier because women take “offense” to everything and take things too "seriously". I hope your husband “learns” to put you in your place!

--
Dude, I get it! You have a "penis". You like playing with it all by yourself. "That" doesn't "impress" me. The "day" you can make it reach "your" "butthole"? "That" "day" I will give you "my" "love" and "adoration".

Until that time, keep on trying.

Or keep on truckin'. Or keep on keeping on.

23 comments:

  1. "Your" "place" "is" "on" "a" "pedestal!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your anonymouse comment is worth a smiley. :)

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  3. The anonymouse!! With a dick too short to box with his butt. What a coward.

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  4. You know what? I keep coming here, hoping to hear that you've fired that nincompoop, or at least shot her in the head (oh, great, now she's going to get shot in the head and Nancy Grace is going to get on her hindsight high horse and exclaim to me as we both stare into the camera from our respective half of the TV screen: "You expaict us to belayve that you were kidding? Whut part of 'ah aym going to shoot her in the hayd is fuhnny to you, missay? Huh? Ah'm aysking you a quaystion!")

    ReplyDelete
  5. ZOMFG!! PTS and Anonymous are two of the biggest dildos EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  6. (I thought that was mandatory)

    Next time, remember, just say, duuh.

    You do get all the freakin weirdos, dontcha?

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  7. You're clearly wasting your time, as she's not going to learn to do anything in the time you've got her. If the Powers That Be won't sack her, you should spend the time teaching her to make coffee or something.

    Though, I suppose if she gets that wrong it's more of a disaster ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. OMG! You know what!? I just spied that picture of you and Andy again and you know what I thought - you two are so Edward and Bella! Except I doubt Andy's a vampire (or is he....) and you're not lame, so therefore, far cooler than that frackin' book.

    In other news, can you dismiss this girl tomorrow?!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yeah, and here Rickey was thinking he drew the freaks. Perhaps anonymouse is actually Frankie?

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  10. seriously bee, just put this poor woman out of her misery. is she really "helping" you?! no, you're fucking miserable!!! just do it!!! well, then you wouldn't have as much to rant about so...

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  11. ROFL - I loved all of this post, but especially your hater. I love you and your responses Bee!

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  12. working with female frankie sounds like a total ass-whooping.

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  13. you always get the fun anonymous type people.



    maybe she'll call in sick soon so you can get something done.

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  14. I really, really do not understand how some people keep their jobs. *Walks off shaking head*

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  15. Maybe Frankie ate them! just a thought..I thought this was amusing because my oldest son is named Frankie minus the red hair / afro and sometimes I swear he acts just like that lol! :)

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  16. lol! I've "known" a few "Frankies" in my time. Unfortunatley, all "workplaces" have at "least" one!

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  17. Well if you ever seen the movie Elf, then, as anyone who has, we all know how those elves can be

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  18. I wish I could get an anynomouse. In fact, I'm kind of surprised that I haven't yet since I also tend to attract the freaks. Maybe that's only in real life and not the cyber one?

    I think that since your little helper is a bit of an idiot, you should teach her how to give you manis and pedis. Atleast then you'd be relaxed, your nails would look great, and she'd actually be doing something worth while. Just a suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Or you could make her brush your hair 100 times every hour. Then your hair would be silky awesomeness.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I haven't been to your blog in a while, then I come here and find you talking about penises in butts -- is this a porn blog now?

    I hope so!

    Poke

    ReplyDelete
  21. ROFL! I would bow down for any man who can screw himself in the ass! And pay to see it! Since he obviously can't, maybe he'll get a clue.

    My current Frankie is 120 or something close to it, and I wish to god they would stop putting her in front of a damn computer! I'm seriously going to reach through the phone and strangle her ass if she keeps calling and asking what her new password is on a different comp. You still have the same username and password on a different comp you nitwit!

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.