Monday, July 21, 2008

Little did I know the mosquito I killed would come back to haunt me.

Today was going to be a special day. My new assistant was starting her descent into the gas-hole I lovingly call Arkham Asylum. She was going to experience first hand, the mindless scenarios we take too seriously.

Are you asking for examples? Well, there's the why didn’t you bring back the kitchen towel, who moved the cheese, who moved the sausage, who ate the crackers, who brought expired coffee, last but not least, who has been eating the butt cake.

Let’s take a peek at how this glorious day started, shall we?

I woke up at an ungodly hour (SIX! BEFORE THE SUN EVEN) to hear my dogs trying to chew their way through the center of one Andy Husband. He was able to defeat the 15 lb beasts by throwing dog treats and running so he could leave for work but this left me with a massive headache.

I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed to get ready for work. I decided to dress for the occasion, the occasion being digging myself out of a mountain of paperwork for six blessed weeks, and chose a calming
peasant blouse matched with a flowing skirt.

When I looked in the mirror, my calming peasant blouse made me look 7 months pregnant so that came off right away. I searched in my closet for something else that might inspire warmth and respect and found one that complimented my Rosacea rosy cheeks, my bloodshot sparkling eyes and my frizzy luscious hair.

I grabbed my brown suede shoes, the ones I wear only to special occasions like tap-dancing on the graves of my enemies, completed my look with some gaudy jewelry and was on my way to work. Early, by the way!
I set up her work station, grabbed my coffee and waited patiently for my part time savior. There I was, sipping my coffee, looking tired, frizzy, anxious, desperate, drooly
I glanced at my watch, oopsie! It’s 8:35 and she’s not here yet! Hmmm, punctuality is a must for me. Okay, not so much but I was wondering who’s late on their first day? I’m always EARLY on my first days. I make a good impression and once they lower their expectations BAM! I start coming in half an hour late!

I had drifted into a reverie (does one drift into a reverie or am I thinking river?) when Glynda came to my desk and told me Part-time Savior called and couldn’t make it in today because she had a dentist appointment.

::sigh:: We all know this is code for “I have another interview with a better position and better paying job but I don’t want to lose this one in case I don’t get the other one.”

More power to her and I do hope she gets the other job but phookit! I’m back to square one!

To top things off, one of my awesome brown suede shoes decided to mutilate a mosquito bite I had on my Achilles heel and is now my own personal little distributor of torture!
Would you like a side platter of annoyance with your disappointed painful Monday?
OZ asked me to call in his lunch order. It was 9:30 and I didn’t want to forget so I called up the restaurant and some dude answered.

Hi, I’d like to place a delivery order for noon.

We don’t open until 10.

Okay? Can I still place an order for NOON?

I’m the only one here.

I don’t know what that means. Are you trying to offer me a job? Because I’d like to counter offer that with CAN I PLACE AN ORDER FOR A NOON DELIVERY??

Hold ON.

puts me on hold.

[Are you in the mood for our authentic Italian sausage? How about our Polish dog? Be sure to ask about our catering menu. We now deliver to 10 suburbs. Don’t forget our famous milkshakes! AS LONG AS YOU CALL AFTER 10:00 AM]

Can you call back at 10?

Sure. What’s the name of the manager?


Because when I call back I’m going to tell him you deserve a raise! What do you mean “why”?

Fine! I’ll take your order!

Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you… [I hang up]
Remember I worked at a Brown’s Chicken where, if you were punched in and the phone rang, you had to pick it up and take care of the PAYING CUSTOMERS! Did we like answering the phone 2 hours before we opened?

No, but if you’re getting paid to do a job, how about you DO IT and not give me any shit?

For those of you bleeding hearts wanting to defend Numbnuts, this was not my first encounter with him and he has taken my order before as early as 9:00 AM.

In the amount of time he argued with me, he could have written down
-Turkey Sandwich- Address- Noon-.

Hell, he had time to recite the Gettysburg Address and name the states by order of induction into this, our freedomlicious country!

And so ends another Monday. Excuse me while I go kick some dirt on it.


  1. i might be first, but apparently, i have no idea how to spell my own name.

    good stuff. sorry your new person didn't show up. you should just fire her. ha!

  2. eff!

    also, i'm commentally challenged.

  3. That guy sounds like a total douche. Why the hell did he answer the phone if he wasn't ready to deal with whomever was on the other line??!

    I hate that kind of stuff. And your assistant (or let's just call her 'ass' for short) needs to be fired pronto. Poor form, pulling the dentist no-show on the first day. I would expect more, even from an ass.

    Maybe you can get her a job at the deli? Sounds like she'd be well suited for their Cracker Jack Demeanor!

  4. Hey Bee, you wanna go on a date awwrgh ...shit, my teeth fell out

  5. why'd the retard bother answering the phone then?

  6. I like phookit.

    kit of phoo?
    it's better than the other phookit.

  7. @eddie

    I like guys with no teeth...


  8. Did you really say all that? I'm never that clever when I need to be.

    Also, Leigih is retarded. :D

  9. I'll be curious to hear if the new employee has stellar teeth tomorrow if (and when) she shows up!

  10. With so many people unemployed and looking for any kind of work you'd think these 2 would get it together. People suck.

  11. That's terrible! That means you'll have to get in on time a second morning.

  12. Don't kick me, I have feelings too

  13. In my defense: I promise I didn't contain no cat hair.
    And I'd have taken your order before noon.

  14. "I don’t know what that means. Are you trying to offer me a job?"

    This is a very good line.

  15. Wow. And I thought my Monday was bad. It was nothing compared to this.

    Sorry about the new person.

    We hired a chick at our office, she came in in the morning, left for lunch and never came back. Wow. Interesting huh?

  16. I got into a b*tch match with the customer service lady from our Water Department. Apparently she doesn't realize that talking smack to a woman dealing with six hungry, sweaty kids while we go to the old pay drop-off only to find out that they've moved in the middle of the night will result in getting all the ferocity I could muster yelled in her ear.

    She was so condescending and though I should know by the sheer force of my brain power where the new address is.

  17. I'll come work for you. I suck at paperwork but I'm fairly sophisticated at pulling off pranks.

  18. hows it goin? she come in today? you know I cant be replaced right?

  19. He must have been in the middle of something exremely important like cutting lettuce or maybe restocking the napkin order or perhaps he was polishing the toilet seats.

    That girl saying she can't make it because of a dentist appointment should be cause for you to never let her return (if she doesn't score that other job.)

  20. Did she show up today?

    Did you call back and talk to the manager? THat guy needs to be taught a lesson. The paying customer is fist if you are already punched in.

  21. I like your blog but your posts are too long sometimes.

  22. Sorry I yelled.
    But I really really want to know.

  23. Leigih:
    I know the rush you felt in being first. It's like somebody is standing behind you ready to pounce.


    He is a total douche! I called back and they gave us free mozzarella sticks. I think the idiot is the owner's son...

    Yeah um... I'm busy that night.

    jean knee:
    I dunno. I was having a bad day but I don't think I overreacted, right?

    kit of phoo HAHAHAHA!


    See today's post.

    She was a show!

    Sad the she was the best candidate.

    I was early again! (by early I mean 8:15 instead of 8:30)

    I'll kick you!

    Expired coffee:
    You're HIRED!

    Sinister Dan:
    I really wanted to know. ;o)

    Jonny's mom:
    Wow! I wish mine would have left and never come back after the day I had today!

    You're HIRED!

    I hate you.

    She has one more chance to prove herself but I'm not sure she'll last.

    Yup. She. Sure. Did.


    The whole sordid story for your viewing pleasure.


  24. That is exactly why I'll never hire a white person born in the U.S. ... we suck!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.