A rambling ♫musical♫ Sunday.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me.

He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"

Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)

Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding?
We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd recorded.
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I enjoyed the history lessons given to me by the Metal icons I worshipped in my youth (still do, if you want to know the truth). What I did NOT enjoy was seeing those same Metal icons old and decrepit.
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I did not enjoy Twisted Sister's front man, Dee Snider, showing me how he exercised his vocal chords by singing Ave Maria. His voice still rocks but he made my ears cringe with his Aaaave Maaarrrriiiiiiaaaa.

Speaking of weird, why is it that every time I hear Suzie Q by CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival, Brian!) I want to get up and do a go-go dance??
If I'm alone (the dogs don't count), I will, but if there is anybody else in the room, I just do a half body jam. (I wish I could tell you I look hot doing it but I just resemble Forest Gump dancing to Sweet Home Alabama.)

How much does John Fogerty rock?? One of my all time favorites is "Have you ever seen the rain?"


When I went to YouTube to embed this video, it pulled up related videos. Please click on this screen print and tell me WHAT the first one listed has in common with my beloved CCR!?!? (okay, for some reason you can't click on the picture but you can still make out the title)

I mean, yes, they screwed John Fogerty out of the songs HE wrote but I don't think they did it literally (I hope)!

How did I go from Metal to CCR? I decided to update my iTunes. So now you're going to be treated to the soundtrack of my Sunday.
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During our preparation of dinner, Regina Spektor and Alexz Johnson (AJ courtesy of brother Dan because he loves listening to teeny bopper music and METAL, he is sooo weird).
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I went to grill the meat while Andy made the rice and cornbread. I had to give him a pep talk on the whole cornbread making thing because the instructions on the box said to "grease a muffin pan" and he went to pieces because we don't have a muffin pan.
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I told him to pull it together! We are the Cor-Ruts and we DO NOT let small things like muffin pans defeat us! A casserole dish will just have to do!
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While I was outside grilling our pork chops to perfection, I was listening to the musical stylings of Bob Dylan thanks to neighbor Boomhauer and his posse of happy go lucky drunks.
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Our dinner music consisted of Maná with our conversation centered on talks of how big the pork chops were, how I was happy he didn't give up on the cornbread and how we would have leftovers for tomorrow. This is what happens after SEVEN LONG years of marriage.

A meal just tastes better with a side of grilled onions!MMMMMM SO kissable!
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Then he excused himself from kitchen duty and went back to his dungeon. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with my beloved husband.

Thankfully, he doesn't do this often otherwise I'd never get anything done! ;o)

Humor-Blogs, it's what's for dinner.

Happy in marriage happy online. (OR REVERSED)

Oh my gawd you guys!!!

I just noticed one of my arms is darker than the other!

I know what you’re thinking “Big deal it happens to everybody!”

No. Not like this!

One arm looks like I’m Erik Estrada’s long lost sister (in his Ponch days) and the other one looks like I bought it off of Christina Ricci’s stolen appendages store (look for it on Ebay)!

Oh well. Enough melodrama.

I want to thank all of y’all rockin’ readers that voted for me at H-B. You guys are the monkey’s banana-ass!



Also, I feel like a total star cuz I got the FIRST EVER (in the history of H-B) SAD FACE from an asswipe by the name of “Caleb”. That makes me feel like Angelina Jolie’s better looking sister. So, even though Caleb is not his real name, his asshole-ness is real enough. (But I’m not bitter)
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FUCKER!
Moving on.
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I've been complaining to Andy about my laptop being s l o w for a while but he's been so busy saving the world from 3 legged Orcs that my issues have not been his top priority.

I got sick and tired of looking at porn blogs while the freakin' thing dragged so I told him, he fixes it or I leave him. Weirdly, this threat worked! Who knew he'd want me around?

Anyway, Andy and I make up the perfect couple. I'm savvy when it comes to html (sort of) and downloads and up loads and shit loads but he's good at maintaining viruses and spy stuff off our computers.

This was our conversation today:

Andy:
Bee! I want to send you a video, how do I do it?

Bee:
Embed it and email it to me.

Andy:
Wah??

Bee:
Click where it says embed. Hit copy. Open your e-mail. Why are you clicking on my name once and just staring? Either hit create or double click! Okay now type something and then click on the insert hyperlink. No, not there! There! Okay now control V. Okay send.
Easy right?
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Later, when he's diagnosing my laptop.
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Andy:
How many times have you defragglerocked the thrombosis?

Bee:
Dewhat the what now?

Andy:
You've got to dehootermuhfy the dagibagib.

Bee:
You know what? How about you just do it and we be done with it?
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What I'm trying to say is, I am now reading your blogs at the speed of light thanks to my defragglerockzation!

Later chivatos!
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Andy? Can I go to the movies with my sister? It starts at 9pm. Just Nancy and I. No, we're not going to a bar. Just a movie. We're going to see Get Smart. I know it'll let out late and it'll be passed my bedtime but- ... Oh come on! We're not gonna go trolling for dudes! She JUST had a baby and I'm kind of attached to you!
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...
Hey!

Are you guys still here eavesdropping?? Go home already! (yes, he did *let* me go)

They can call me Popeye-ette. Like Smurfette only in fisherman language.

I felt like regurgitated dog shit on Sunday (I wish I could say it was from partying over the weekend but sadly it wasn't) so I spent my day indoors watching a Deadliest Catch marathon.

I was bragging to Andy telling him how I could be a fisherwoman*.
How I could haul those pods and bait them, then drop them back in, count out the pinchy crabbers with their long ass legs. I could withstand 20 foot waves and freezing temperatures. I definitely would be an ace at breaking ice off the rails and winches (I think that's a real thing).

Andy told me to go for it since it's seasonal and I can make tons of money while still keeping my job at the Asylum. He'd like to be a stay-at-home-husband with curlers in his hair and just emerge from his dungeon to use the bathroom.
I was going to start packing up my stuff and look up plane tickets -I WAS PUMPED!!- but then I remembered I have rusty-old-shoulder-syndrome that prevents me lifting anything over 15 lbs...

DAMNIT!! I really wanted to go!!

Oh well, it's probably for the best considering I get hysterical when I'm on a boat and can't see land.

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Okay. Some of you are wondering what is going on with Humor-Blogs. You're currently thinking "Bee, I want you to be on top but I'm not sure how to get you there!"

Well my compadres, I appreciate your support but there are a couple of glitches in your plan to propel me to super-stardom (don't worry, I'm already there IN MY HEAD).

First, you have to sign up for Humor-Blogs.
What? You don't have a blog and/or you don't want to add your blog to H-B? Don't worry my friends, you don't have to. Just sign up and click on the "Just want to rate blogs" thingamajig then you'll be half way there!

Next, you have to click on the laughing face just beneath the title of my post once you're at Humor-Blogs.
THE LAUGHING FACE.

If you click on the smiling one, your point will NOT count. It has to be the LAUGHING one. If you click on the sad face, you will be detracting points from me and I've already threatened people, world wide, on the foolishness of inciting my wrath.

Are you confused? Me too!
Voting for me is entirely up to you, I won't ban you if you don't. ;o)
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*Spellcheck is telling me there is no such thing as a fisherwoman but they are suggesting WASHERWOMAN... it figures that spellcheck would be a MAN!

DEAR GOD ANDY! WHAT NOW???

I’m not gonna say Andy has driving issues. Nope. Those words will not come out of my mouth or er, fingers. I just want to point out that years of me pulling my car into the garage have never resulted in this.
My car is at the bottom of that pile of massacred bins.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, put my car in the garage so as not to back into it AGAIN.
Instead, THAT SOMEBODY, knocked into the tower of bins we have lined up against the wall, rigging them to fall after the garage door closed therefore leaving them for me to find this morning when I was in my usual hurry to get to work.

What?
You say it’s my fault for putting them in the garage in the first place?
Ha! I put them exactly where the husband told me to so neener neener to you!

I had to remove bin guts from my car which caused me to, not only be late for work (well, LATER THAN USUAL), once I got to work I couldn’t remember if I had closed the gawt dang garage door!

I had to get my happy ass back in my car and drive ALL* the way home, just to check on the door that I must’ve closed in the middle of all my mumbling and grumbling without realising because it was closed!

When I called Andy to inform him of the daily obstacles he litters my life's path with, just for shits and giggles, he said I get flustered too easily and I need to get ahold of myself.

Isn't he a sweetie pie? He's just lucky I didn't know where his happy ass was stationed at the moment because I would have driven over there and given him a fluster of fists to the face. Just kidding. maybe.

*Okay, so it was only 10 minutes round trip but those are 10 minutes I will never get back! What if I needed those 10 minutes to do something useful? Like maybe click on Humor-Blogs? Sure, I can find the time somewhere else but then I'd have to put off doing something else. Who will tell the children I can no longer teach them how to read and write? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (I have no idea what that’s about so don’t ask)
Also, if you're thinking I had time to do a post WHILE AT WORK... who asked you?

Bee and the Giant Average Sized Roma Tomato

On Sunday afternoon, I made Andy and myself some nice grilled cheese sandwiches. Because I love my hubba-bubba SO much, I also added a couple of slices of tomatoes on our delectable sandwiches and sprinkled them lovingly with a little bit of garlic salt. Oh my were they dee-lish!

Later that afternoon, Andy was supposed to make a beef roast on the grill. He had already seasoned it and left it marinating for a couple of hours but he claimed he was feeling ill and unable to cook our dinner.

Being the dutiful little wife, I complained yelled rolled my eyes let him know I would cook dinner AGAIN and he could continue playing his Wacky Wizard Troll game.
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My poor husband complained about violent stomach pains and explosive diarrhea number two and even though I believed him, I couldn’t help but wonder how he could feel better just in time for dinner. I mean, a reasonable mind would assume that a person who had been ill just ONE HOUR AGO wouldn’t even want to think about food, right?
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But!

Since I’m such a FORGIVING person by nature, I let bygones be bygones and didn’t harass him (much).
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Then this morning, I woke up to my radio news guy telling me to BEWARE OF TOMATOES!!!
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oh oh.
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I think I let my man down… :o{

Maybe we should keep this little secret between us, yes?

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You know what's not a secret? Me asking you to click on Humor-Blogs for me. I whore it up on every post.

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P.S.

Don't worry, Andy's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine.

I'm still debating if I should slice the rest of the tomatoes up and add them to the pizza I'm going to make for dinner. Along with slices of fresh mozzarella and more garlic salt.

mmmmmmm salmonella!

That hamster did NOT just come out of there! Did it?

So...

I know I promised you guys a hilarious post about do it yourself home security but you'll just have to be disappointed. Let this be your lesson on how you don't always get what you want! ;o)

Anyway, instead I'd like you to be witness to another conversation between two people who have been married way too long (7 LONG YEARS!!)

The other night, Andy and I were getting ready for bed when he shocked the hell outta me with the following question:

Andy:
Bee, do you want to read my comic book about a hero who comes back to life to look for his rectal hamster?

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Now, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm not really used to hearing sentences like that right before I go to sleep. Over lunch, maybe, but not right before going to sleep.
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Being the lady that I am:
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Bee:
What the hell are you talking about now???
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He then told me about a comic book called "The boys".
A comic book that spoofs superheros and there is this one story line where one of them kills another hero.
After the hero dies, a hamster comes out of his butt and the one that's alive takes him and keeps him as his ::gag:: pet ::blech!::.

This left me pondering 2 things.

1) What the hell happened to Little Lulu and Archie??? Now they have comics that show pantless hero zombies looking for their rectal hamsters???? Is this how comic books evolved?? Will I ever be able to remove the nail polish I spilt on the vanity sink?

The Boys

2) Have Andy and I exhausted all other topics of conversations that we are now doomed to live in the comic book world???

Noooo! Please no! Somebody throw me a civilized topic over here!

That's all for today folks!

Well, one more thing. Can you please click on Humor-Blogs for me so that I can stay between 15 and 20. I'm easy to please, middle is just fine by me (that's what she said!)! :o)

OF BUMPER CARS AND LIME GREEN BRAS

Do you ever have times in your life where you just keep getting shit on? And not just ordinary shit like bird shit or dog shit. No, no no! You are lucky enough to have an Elephant shit on you. After it had been constipated for a week. That's how our life has been lately.

On Tuesday Andy and I went to the Laundromat again.
We learned a few things from our first time at the Mat. One of ‘em being leave right after work so that we don’t get home at 9:30.

Andy being Andy, as soon as I walked into the house that fateful Tuesday, I was scolded because he couldn’t get into the garage (I had locked it so no one would steal the picture of the naked chick hanging on the wall and I have the only key)(since I'm the only one taht puts her car in there), I was scolded because I didn’t park in the garage, I was scolded because rainbows and butterflies follow my every move. When I decided to throw one of my rainbows in his direction, like a KILLER boomerang, he didn’t like it so much so was all "let’s go NOW!" uh, I had to pee but okay.

Now, the reason I didn’t park in the garage was because neighbor Boomhauer’s friend’s car and Andy’s were blocking my way. I left my car on the down part of our driveway and figured I’d put it in the garage when we got home from the Laundromat. The other car had been moved since then but I thought I’d leave mine out anyway to scare potential burglars into thinking there was a really cool dangerous chick at home watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

We get into Andy’s car to make our trek to the Mat but something got in our way. Something big and blue. Something I like to refer to as my Mini Tank. Something BIGGER THAN A BREAD BOX!



Guess who he blamed?

If you said "He blamed you” DING DING DING!! You are now the proud owner of a pat on the back.

Here is my alibi:

Andy was in the driver’s seat of his car.

I was in the PASSENGER seat of his car.

Therefore… ergo… nuh-uh!! No way was it my fault!

Unless of course I have a remote control device and made my car MOVE FORWARD.
WITH NOBODY INSIDE IT!
While sitting on the PASSENGER’S side.
Of Andy’s car.
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

Fuckin' Toyota piece of shit car! It's only 2 years old and has needed car surgery 3 times before this for the bumper! If this stinkin' piece of crap were a horse, it'd be glue by now!!! (The other 3 times weren't Andy's fault. People hit him. Bad Karma man!)

Let me lay out my case for you.

This is our driveway:


That's Andy's car and mine is behind it on the down part of the driveway. Do you see all the space he had to maneuver around me??

For evidence in my defense, I’d like to admit the following.

The perp has a prior conviction for driving while under the assumption that all big stationary objects will magically disappear/move/lift-themselves-on-their-tippy-toes to get out of his way. 4 years ago, he backed into our house.

Our house is as big as a… well, HOUSE!



I rest my case honorable readers. I know there is no way you will take his side. Well, you CAN but then I'd have to hunt you down and let Mocha kill you with her bad doggy breath.

My Mini Tank? NO DENTS NO SCRATCHES NO SHIT!! Screw the Hummers man! Get yourselves a Hyundai Sonata!

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll meet more people who like to move out of the way on their tippy toes. You'll also make the elephant shit less smelly.


P.S.
If you're ever in the car with Andy, WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! And maybe a crash helmet. You should bring some pillows too. Or bubble wrap. Also, don't buy a Toyota. Their bumpers OBVIOUSLY collapse if you look at them funny!


P.P.S.



If you're wondering about the Lime Green Bra. I just thought it was funny how all my clothes were drying. You could see dark brown, dark blue, dark red, black and then one Lime Green Bra shoving itself towards the glass door of the dryer. I was going to take a picture but Andy kabashed the idea.

And I quote "The fuck? Are you nuts?? That is TMI even for you!" I agreed only because he had just had a traumatic experience, you know, my car rearing up on its hind tires then attacking him and all.

The whole time we were there, I was singing ♪♫"At the carwash"♪♫.

So...

A million years ago, when I was still a slave to the family, my sister and I used to wake up every Sunday morning at 5:30 and take 7 people worth of laundry to THE DREADED LAUNDROMAT! We'd get there before its 6 AM opening and be the first people thru the door. The owner guy knew us since we'd spend 4 hours sweating from the heat of the dryers and gagging at the overpowering smell of fabric sheets. He'd have coffee ready for us and sometimes bring donuts.
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Sis and I had many bonding moments over the tide/bleach/downey and the crazy women who would battle us for the dryers. Guess who always won? ;o)
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When we finally moved out of the apartment and bought a house, we also bought a washer/dryer. No more laundromat for us! Each person was in charge of their own clothes so thus ended our servitude or slavitude if you will. Then I got married and lived happily ever aft-...
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Alas, my idyllic happy ending was not meant to last forever!!!
Our freakin' piece of crap washer decided to be a butthole and break! ::sigh::

We have 2 options:
-Replace it which would mean replacing the dryer so that they can match.
OR
-Have it fixed.
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While we ponder, we decided to also hold a social/economical experiment.
We will see how much money we save on our water bill and electricity WHILST (<-as Brian would say) getting material for the blogus by interacting with other humans.
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Sadly, the place was empty.

Nobody to make fun of but ourselves. I had no choice really.
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Bee:
Andy, trust the pro. If I say all your clothes fits in that buck 75 machine, then it fits!
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Andy:
Okay. EXPERT. Then you fit my clothes in there.
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[I did so awesomely! I wonder if I can put that on my resume...]
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Bee:
Is that all the soap you're gonna put in there?? I want my clothes clean! Not smelling like wet crappy laundromat!!
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Andy:
It's concentrated detergent! You don't need more than half a cap full!

[I see this will be our major battle. I'll just have to sneak more soap in the machine when he's not looking.]
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Bee:
Do you think I'm faking it?? Do you think I would lie to you and say my clothes are still wet just so that I could steal a quarter? Give me the freakin' quarter!
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[Seriously?? I think I know when clothes are dry!]
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Andy:
I don't care if you don't want to go see Narnia! You're coming with me because you signed a contract to honor, love and support all my crappy movie choices! ... I'll buy you nachos.
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[That doesn't have anything to do with laundry but it did take place at The Mat.]
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We have given ourselves a month to decide what to do on the replacing/fixing the washer. Luckily, because of my Mantra 'Where do you want the shit to hit you?' things like this do not perturb my coolness.
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Here's a coinky dink. Tracy's washer broke too AND she had to go to the laundromat! Weird.
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For those of you doubting Thomases and Thomasinas, here is a picture of my dark dark house at Eight AM.

Would you be able to pick out a dark brown shoe from a black one?

Hey Hey! Before you go, please click on Humor-Blogs!

I find your desire to kill ME extremely annoying.

I think Andy is trying to kill me!!!

Are you done clapping? No? Okay, I'll give you a couple more minutes... ... ...

Done? Okay. Let's move on shall we?

I really do think he's trying to kill me!

Here was my first clue:

Andy:
Bee, I think I'm going to try changing the oil in you car myself.

Bee:
Why? Jiffy Lube* always does a great job!

Andy:
Don't worry, it's just oil.

Bee: [a frown creasing my smooth brow]
'Kay.

THEN!! CLUE #2

Andy:
Bee, I might as well rotate your tires too. All I have to do is move the front ones to the back, back ones to the front.

Bee:
Uhmmm... I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, what if you miss a couple of lug nuts? You might send my car spinning into the river. When I hit a pothole. While I'm doin' 65 in a 45.

Andy:
Nah, you'll be okay. The river isn't so deep around that area.

Bee: [GENUINE FEAR IN MY EYES]
Can you ask my brother to help you?

CLUE NUMERO TRES!

Andy:
I was thinking I should try changing your brakes too.

Bee: [running to hide my car keys]
No! No no no. Now you've gone to far! You've lost your mind! No.

Andy:
It's no big deal! I talked to some guys that said all you have to do is change the whatsit pads blah blah look like an accident blah blah.

Bee:
Andy? Haven't I been the perfect wife? Haven't I encouraged you in every way possible? We've had some good times, right? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?? Won't you miss my constant mocking?

Andy: [scratching his head]
Are you serious or just overreacting?

Bee:
What about when the dogs attack you? Who will save you if I'm ashes are on your night stand?? [I've decided that's where I want to be]

Andy:
Bee! I'm changing the oil, rotating, the tires and changing your brakes. Nothing will happen to you because I obviously pissed off some deity at one time so our lives will be intertwined until the day I DIE!

I have to admit, that was a very compelling argument!
... Still, if you don't hear from me again, maybe you should call the police?



*Jiffy Lube? Seriously?? who came up with that name? K-Y? Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs we'll get some answer!
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P.S.
I just saw a picture of Burt Reynolds nahhked(from the 70's I think)!! Was his father a gorrilla?? Uh... I meant because he's hairy.

It ain't easy being cheesy!

So...
On Saturday Andy and I went to my in-laws campground to hang out with them for a little bit and celebrate Mother's Day.
While we were chillin', talking about camper stuff, The Cheeto Story came up in the conversation.

Both Andy and I disagree as to who is at fault so I told my beloved hubba-bubba I would post the story and let you, MY friends decide.

Pull up a chair, sofa or toilet and let me take you back to November 1998, 3 days before Thanksgiving. (I was thin back then)
We had only been dating for about 5 months and I was going to meet him at his house after work where he was going to make me a sandwich and then we were going to play pool in his parent's basement.

I arrived at his house and he lightly toasted the bread for my sandwich, put some ham and Munster cheese on it with extra mustard. MMMM.

Young thin Bee:
Are you gonna have one?

Andy:
No, I'm not hungry. I'll just have a bag of chips.
[opens the cabinet, looks in the variety box of chips and swears]
What the hell! All that's left is Cheetos!! I HATE CHEETOS!

Bee:
Why? They're good, nice and cheesy. It ain't easy being cheesy you know!

Andy:
This really pisses me off! Nobody likes the damn Cheetos so they're always left over!

Bee: [not surprised at this outburst since he and I had been friends before we started dating]
You should tell your mom not to buy that variety pack.

Andy:
Whatever. [he opens a bag and starts eating the Cheetos]

Bee:
Can I have one?

Andy flicks the bag over to me, I take ONE and give the bag back.
I then finish my sandwich and we go downstairs to play pool.
I suck at pool but I was doing okay knocking all the stripey balls all over the place and then shoving them in the hole with my hands when he wasn't looking.
I noticed Andy was extremely quiet.

Bee:
Wzup? You okay?

Andy: [curtly]
Yeah.

Oooooookkaaay?? I kept trying to make small talk but nothing was working. I even tried a comic book question and was rejected! I'm standing there racking my brain, replaying everything that had happened...
Then, my 6 brain cells came to one conclusion. No, it couldn't be!

Bee:
Did you get mad because I asked for a Cheeto?

Andy: [EXPLODES!]
You know Bee, that was all I was going to eat! You had a sandwich and I was just having a crappy bag of Cheetos!

Bee;
I asked for ONE! I didn't know you were going to be so pissy about it!

Andy:
Even my friends know not to ask me for any of my food!

Bee:
Andy! I'm not your friend, I'm your girlfriend!

At this point I was wondering where my life had taking a turn into Tantrumville.

Andy:
I DON'T LIKE SHARING MY FOOD!

Bee: [calmly putting pool stick on the pool table]
You know what dude? Call me when you grow up!

I exited stage left!

That's not me but when I saw this picture...

Here is what our disagreement is YEARS later.

I say he was overreacting over ONE FUCKIN' CHEETO and he says I was being unreasonable for asking him for a Cheeto when that was all he was going to eat.

Now remember, HE HATES CHEETOS and THERE WERE ABOUT 6 OTHER BAGS IN THE BOX.

Don't worry you guys, everything worked out in the end. Andy's dad told him to put his head on straight and my mom told me she'd buy him a big bag of Cheetos.

For the record, I love Cheetos and not just because of Chester Cheetah... although he is pretty cool.

I've never understood the not sharing food thing. Probably because I always wind up sharing whatever I order since I never finish it.

Andy outgrew his non-sharing ways and sometimes will force me to try something from his plate without me asking.

Let us know who you think is right. I have to warn you though, if you don't agree with me, I'll have to delete your comment. Just kidding!

Maybe.

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll get a free bag of Cheetos.

P.S.

Watching House is making me a hypochondriac. Now I think I have a brain tumor and liver failure!

The joys of adult childhood.

Further proof that:

A) Andy and I should never be in charge of children
B) We are way way cool
C) We cannot be left unsupervised

Hopefully, when my mom comes back, our house will still be in one piece. Let me tell ya' why.

We had some left over branches from last year that we decided to burn. We finished our gardening duties and settled in for a nice little bonfire.
The majority of the branches were pine so we couldn't burn 'em in our indoor fireplace because of the butaniumfosoforitisnium in pine.

Okay, I don't know what the chemical is called but they strongly suggest you never ever burn pine in your fireplace because it may cause your house to explode.

For those of you who might not know, pine is HIGHLY combustible.



That flame was 7 feet high with just a couple of branches MEER INCHES FROM OUR GINORMOUS PINE TREE!

Don't worry, we survived. Sort of.

Then this awesome convo happened:

Andy:
Stop harassing me or I'll throw your decorative wicker ball in the fire.
Bee:
Oh please! You won't do it!

Andy:
I'll do it!

Bee:
Yeah right!

Andy:
I'm not kidding! I'll do it!

[holds ball over fire]

Bee:
So do it! I dare you!

Andy:
I will! I'm serious!

Bee:
Then do it!

Andy:
I will and you'll be pissed!

Bee:
OH MY GOD I JUST WENT THRU MENOPAUSE! DO IT ALREADY!

So he did. And I laughed.

Then we made fun of my new butt cactus:




If you are, at this very minute, shaking your head thinking we are 'like sooo immature!' you're just jealous cuz we have, like, no responsibilities and stuff!


Sure, we have the mortgage and uh... other bills but... yeah, that's about it.


We can go wherever we want (as long as it's early and we're home before 7:00) (Seven PM). We can do whatever we want like watch stuff burn and not clean up the ashes for at least 2 days. Vacation anywhere in the world that doesn't involve traveling for more than 2 hours and one day we will!

We are so cool! ;op

You know, I never realized how much I depend on my left arm. Since I'm right handed, I just thought 'Phew! At least it wasn't my right shoulder!' But I didn't take into consideration all the other things I do around the house that require BOTH ARMS!

Sweeping? Ouch! Holding myself up while scrubbing my 500 gallon jacuzzi tub so I don't fall in? SUPER OUCH!!

Do you guys think my health insurance would cover a male maid? They'll pay for a nurse so I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.
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If you want to be cool like us, please click on Humor-Blogs.

I need to buy myself a magnetic suit.

The hubs and I went to see Iron Man.
I loved it!
I'm not a professional movie reviewer so don't get all pissy with me if you saw/see it and didn't/don't like it.

I've been a fan of Robert Downey Jr. since forever and always hoped he'd get his acting life back on the right track. He has a way of delivering lines with such a dry sense of humor... and looks cute doing it.

Being married to a comic book gee- uh... hmmm... (shaking my head around trying to dislodge the right word... oh!) comic book EXPERT, I've been lucky enough to hear all about every comic book character ever invented. He made me watch the Captain America & The Avengers animated movie where I first *met* Tony Stark/Iron Man and when I saw the previews for the movie, I was super excited they picked RDJ.


I hope they make a sequel since even Gwyneth Paltrow (not a fan) was okay.



I wonder if this guy was their first choice but he had a prior commitment. Too bad cuz he is so hot!



One of the previews we saw was another comic book made into a movie called The Spirit. I don't know anything about it now but I'm sure I'll be given all details about who created it, drew it, traced it, touched it, ate it, etc. It's done by the same guy who did Sin City and 300 with the same animated style so it looks pretty cool

If you go see Iron Man, stay until the credits are over because there's one last scene.

****Make sure you don't drink too much soda or play with your cellphone while waiting for the credits to end! Andy got mad at me because the screen on Scarlett was too bright. We had a mini fight when I started playing solitaire to distract myself from my full bladder.
I said something mean WHICH I WILL NOT REPEAT OR HE WILL MURDERIZE ME and he almost left me at our friendly neighborhood movie theater to wither and die!
.

Don't worry, he got back at me by letting me walk around all day with mud on my face after I cleaned out my flower beds. A regular Al and Peggy we are! Only without the children. Although, Mocha and Tazz can very well be Kelly and Bud. Mocha is ditzy and Tazz is a neutered horn dog.

I had a very fruitful gardening weekend and I'd like to give you some gardening advice they don't talk about in any gardening show I've ever seen.

I always make sure to wear granny panties, sweats that go above my waist and long T-shirts so as to avoid a full mooning of neighbors and passersby while I'm bent over pulling weeds and what not.

I wish the world would do the same for me since I DO NOT enjoy watching my neighbor Boomhauer or Wilson showing their ancient butt crack to any unlucky bastard that happens upon our street! And one unlucky cool little Bee minding her own business.

Also, don't plant Hostas! They spread like weeds and have roots the size of large trees! I fear I now have a hernia from trying to pull them up without hurting them so I could transplant them to a smaller flower bed.

I leave you to ogle my Magnolia Tree.

.


P.S.
Thanks to all your clicks (willing and unwilling), I went from 17 to 15. Keep it up my legion of Humor-Blog clickers!! ;o) ***EDIT*** I'm back to #17 so let's keep on clicking on that Humor-Blog link! Thank you weary mucho!
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P.P.S.
If you're reading this on Cinco de Mayo, have a Margarita on me!

The freakin' umbilical cord doesn't reach that far!

Have I ever bragged about the fact that my mom lives downstairs from us and cooks us dinner every weeknight?

Have I ever bragged about the fact that she's an awesome cook and makes the most delicious food that has no equal??

Have I ever bragged about the fact that she is THE coolest mom?
.
Probably not because I'm not much of a bragger...
.
ANYWAY- SHE'S LEAVING ME FOR 2 MONTHS!
.
Something about spending time with her parents while my sister is off of work or something selfish like that.
.
Now I'm going to have to hone my cooking talents so I can feed my burly man. After all, I read somewhere that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach (I disagree since you'd have miles of intestines to go through...) so I'm gonna try my hardest to make him happy.

Luckily, my cookbook has a wide variety of yummy food to chose from:



And some yummy sides...



Yup! When my momma comes home we'll bloated and pudgy! (ER)

Are you judging me?? I think it's because you're jealous that my mom is BETTER than your mom!
.
The ONLY GOOD thing about her being away is the fact that I don't have to see any of my meany siblings until she comes back. Well, except my sister Nancy since her child holds my heart in her tiny little hands.



If you have any easy recipes you'd like to share: seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com

NCS didn't believe my cuss-o-meter was 93% so here is living proof:

Around 93% of the pages on your website contain cussing.
This is 933% MORE than other websites who took this test.


Created by OnePlusYou

YEAH!!! I'm gonna try for 99%! Don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs!
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P.S.
Lost is turning into a stupid version of A Christmas Carol!!
Hurley: Someone will visit you too Jack. Soon.

Stoopit!

P.P.S.
Why didn't anybody tell me that Tom Cruise would be in Chicago?? I missed my golden oportunity to meet my spiritual leader!

If you ask it, he might answer...

My desert garden terrarium
Okay, I wasn't going to post today because I seem to be leaking energy thru my eyeballs and feel like shit. I think it's because I spent Monday in the freezing rain trying to save my flowers... where was I? Post, right!
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I got this radicus e-mail that I had to share. Unfortunately, the person who sent it to me has not responded on whether I can use their name or not but I'm pulling the trigger on this anyway because I'm impatient like that. I don't like it when people have lives and I'm sitting around waiting for them to squeeze me in. Just thought I should throw that fact out into the universe. Anyway, here's the e-mail.

"Hi Bee! I stumbled across your blog when I was trying to figure out why my shit was green. Your post on green poop searches made me laugh so I kept coming back and reading your archives. Then it hit me that you were actually talking about me too! That's okay because I still think you're funny!
I have a question for you though, would you ever consider letting your husband Andy write a post about you? I'd be very curious to get a first hand account on what living with you must be like! Would you please consider it?"

I love this idea!! I really do!
.
Dear My New Favorite E-Mailer Person, I will ask the hubs but I can't guarantee he'll say yes because he'll be afraid to piss me off to the point where he'd have to sleep in our fireplace (he'd fit if he were in little pieces)!
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He also has an obsession with that game I've mentioned but now that he no longer has a Family/Clan/Cult, maybe he'll have more free time. Who knows? But I will try to make him see how writing a post about me would be beneficial to his um... health.
I will keep you posted and if you have any questions you'd like Andy to answer so that this isn't so hard for him, please do so.
.
You know where else you can get awesome ideas? Humor-Blogs! Click here for some laughs.

P.S.
55 grams of tomato paste and 10 grams of Olive Oil everyday act as a natural sunscreen against harmful UV rays.
Ingested!
Don't smear it on yourself because you'll have people tossing onions, olives, cucumbers and Italian seasonings at you to make a salad.

My life in 3 segments...

Home-
More joyous marItal experiences.

Monday night approximately 10:20 pm:

Andy: [excited]
Bee! I was just elected Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

Bee:
Impressive! How much does it pay?

Andy:
Uh. Nothing.

Bee:
Well, that’s okay. Congratulations!

Tuesday night approximately 9:30 pm:

Andy: [sad]
Bee! I was just impeached as Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

Bee:
The hell?? Didn’t you just get appointed last night?? It’s not even 24 hours and you’ve been Nixoned?

Andy:
Nixon resigned. I was grabbed by the collar and kicked out the doggy door!

Bee:
Well shit! You want me to go over there and kick some fuckin' geek ass??

Andy:
… … No.
... ... Well, maybe. You're not going to blog about this are you?

Bee:
Babe, you have my word!

(What?!? I didn't say he had my word I wouldn't!)

Work-

Can someone please tell me why I keep thinking it's a good idea to bring Taco Dip whose main ingredient is BEANS to the office of The Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence???

What the FUCK was I thinking? Someone? Anyone??

Blog-

Remember! I will not be posting Saturday or Sunday. Or maybe even Monday. Unless something either very funny, humiliating, exciting, carnivorous, happens!

(I didn’t ask you to point out which word doesn’t belong so shutty!)

You'll be okay without having to listen (I know it should say read but I really do think you can hear my voice in your head) to me everyday.

You may also check my Twitterings here...
Sometimes I just go on there to drop off a one liner gem. They're all gems I know.

I have been buggin' a couple of you to join the Twitter bandwagon but so far I have been denied! You know who you are. And to those of you I haven't asked, it's because I know you'd turn me down saying something about having a life and blah blah.

Problems, issues, disgruntled post office workers?
You may e-mail me at seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com
Seriously.

P.S
Am I the only person with lady parts that doesn't watch "Grey's"??<- example of Tweet.

HUMOR-BLOGS!! Where for art thou HUMOR-BLOGS???

♫ ♥ ♪ What a man what a man what a mighty mighty good man! ♪ ♥ ♫

What the hell?

Andy and I were watching South Park on Comedy Central.

A commercial for Girls Gone Wild comes on.

3 minutes later, the freakin' commercial is still on and steam is coming out of my ears since Andy's gaze has not left the screen where SKANKY HALF NAKED BITCHES ARE FLASHING THEIR BOOBS! (granted they're nubbins are being covered by a postage stamp sized blur)

Then!

Bee [shocked]:

Did they just say [::whisper::] titties on basic cable television?????

Andy:

I'm not sure, let's find out.

WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE REWINDS IT TO THE BEGINING!!

What. A. Guy!

By the way, they said CITIES.

Lights over Phoenix.

That's all I'm sayin'!

This is not about Madonna's big dick.

-Day 107-
The anniversary dinner was a success! A success I tell you!
It also made me realize the reason why Andy and I will be together until the day I have to change his diapers (hopefully a very long long time from now!) (I need to build a resistance first) is because we haven't changed! Sure, our salaries are higher since we no longer have to live off a fast food nickles and pennies paycheck, but us? We're still the same.

What were we doing 9 years ago? You ask.
Well, I can guarantee I went to pick Andy up at Brown's in my car (he didn't have one back then), then he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. We went to Baker's Square for dinner. I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared pie a-la-mode. We also imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

Below is the scene he re-enacts. It's a Tarantino movie so F-bombs are liberally thrown about as if they were rose petals at a wedding.



Flash forward 9 years and this what happened:

I picked up Andy at home after work (his car is in the shop because some old lady thought she was rich enough to go thru Andy's car), he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. Then we went to Baker's Square for dinner, I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared a brownie a-la-mode. We imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

I called him a nerd he called me a butthole*. Ah true love!
.
By the way, if you haven't seen Reservoir Dogs (PROBABLY BRIAN!) why? Mr. Pink kicks fuckin ass and Mr. White is HAWT! If you're a girly squeamish girly girl get over yourself and watch it anyway!


Changing the subject. Do you know what this is?