The sad sad state of the job market.

It's FRIDAY!! Woohoo! Well, it's closer to Saturday now but you get the picture right?

We've been interviewing all week for the ever elusive perfect assistant. Normally there's a ton of college kids or some seniors in high school applying but this year, it's been a little sad.

Almost all applicants have been women in their 40s or late 50s and way overqualified. The position clearly states it's a part time job that will last about 6 weeks and pays close to nothing.
People have been so desperate that they tell me they'll take anything and hopefully, once OZ sees what a great job they do, he'll keep them.

I know you think my heart is made of black stone but I feel horrible when I have to gently tell them he is an asshole of momentous proportions and is only letting me hire someone because I threatened to make him speak to all the attorneys.

His expectations for a six week period are ridiculous and I might be able to change his mind (I do have unbelievable powers of persuasion, if I want something I get it! Even if I have to put it on lay-away and just admire it from afar until it's mine. I don't know what that means) but I don't want to get their hopes up.

HOW FREAKIN DEPRESSING! FUCKING ECONOMY!

Okay, in order to stay sane and not cry in my cheerios, take a peek at the few nutters we got.

Candidate #7 Maxine:

I don't have any issues with Maxine since I probably will become her (one day in the very near future) but I really don't like the idea of working with another crabby old lady. Also, if you're going to an interview? How about you BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES? Is that too much to ask?

She wouldn't look me in the eye (or eyes because I do have two) and I caught her mumbling a couple of times. She got my blood pressure going and she wasn't even a part of The Bat Gang! Yet.

NEXT!

Candidate #9 Young High School Senior Overachiever:

He was a nice kid and I'm sure he would have been a great addition to Team Bee but he BLUSHED every time I asked him a question.

Imagine this scene.

Bee:
Young High School Senior Overachiever, can you please bring So-and-sos chart from upstairs?

Young High School Senior Overachiever [blushing]:
Sure! Where do I get the keys from?

Bee [blushing because for me it's contagious]:
In this drawer here.

My blood vessels just got back to normal from my partying days, I don't need my face to look like I've been attacked by 100 tiny people with paintball guns.

When I asked him what kind of after school activities he was in (in case OZ let him work after school) he right away said "I don't have a girlfriend."

-Um yeah, I'm... sorry?

Unfortunately, he could only work 4 weeks and I really need the full six so...

NEXT!

Contestant #13 Jessica Rabbit's Ugly Older Sister:

This lady came in wearing a red sleeveless knit blouse with her zipper at mid boobs!
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you're going to an interview where WOMEN will be the ones having to look at your cleavage, would you also wear blue eyeshadow? No, right? That might be just a little too tacky.

When Cowardly Lion gave her the job ap, she complained she didn't have a proper place to sit down to write, could she sit in our office and use an empty desk?

::sigh::

Me:
No, then my mystique when we interview her will be gone after she sees me banging at my keyboard because the "F" is stuck again.
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When we finally interviewed her and gave her a rundown of the menial tasks she would have to do, everything was "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE!" "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
The kicker was when I said she would have to hound attorneys to get them on the phone so I may speak with them, she responded "I CAN BE A REAL BITCH BECAUSE I USED TO WORK IN COLLECTIONS!"

My eardrums are pounding just thinking about her LOUDNESS.

After she left, we decided to hire a nice, quiet lady who was clean, wore a regular neckline and didn't YELL.

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This weekend, we're going to see our Chicago transformed to Gotham City. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months and now the time has come. Why don't you guys go see it too so you can say "Bee has walked down that street full of weird looking clowns! She probably rode that train that just exploded!" It'll be a new bonding experience for us. ;o)

P.S.

To those that have e-mailed me regarding Humor-Blogs, please Do Not worry about it. We cool.

P.P.S

To that person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who sent me this e-mail:

"Dear Bee,
Your vajayjay only stays stretched out for a short time after you spit out a kid. And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway. XXX has that pee sneezing thing and she had c sections.

The More You Know

this was an informative information type ad
from,

XXXX XXXX"

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So, who asked ya'??

Seriously long freakin’ post in which I talk about Humor-Blogs. Read at your own risk!.

I’m a little disturbed today. No, I’m a lot disturbed today.

I know you’re not asking why but I’m going to tell you anyway because this here is my little space on this Earth that is 100% mine.

I don’t share it with Andy, the dogs, my mom, my family… well, I do share it, in that I let people in to see how my mind works but nobody else can barge in while I’m typing and announce they’re gonna take a shower so get off the pot already! TMI? Sorry.

Anyway, today I came to the realization that some people find it obnoxious when we ask you to click on Humor-Blogs to vote for us. Maybe it’s because they think we’re looking for an ego massage with a side of fries? I’m not really sure but I need to make one thing (or 10) clear.

I love it when you do click for me but I’m fine if you don’t. I’ll still breathe in and out and put my pants on 2 legs at a time (I have great balance)(I once slid on the balls of my feet [BALLS OF MY FEET] on ice for about 10 feet because I was wearing weather inappropriate boots but managed to maintain my upright position. I finally coasted to a stop with my butt bone intact). We will ask for your vote but it is entirely up to you if you do or not because there is this thing called FREE WILL.

The people that know me, know I’m an average chick with an above average ego that strokes itself. I’ve been through some real life shit in my REAL life and am confident in who I am because of it. I don't need any type of confirmations on how BAD ASS I AM. They are already deeply engraved in my person from my life experiences, some are physical scars others are emotional ones.

I was one of the popular chicks growing up. That is just the honest truth but it wasn’t because I put people down a-la Mean Girls or because I was a people pleaser. I was simply liked, I believe, because I wasn’t a crowd follower. I hung out with who I wanted based off of their personalities and not because they had a swimming pool or a car or whatever. I stuck up for people that were being picked on and I tried to help those I could. I basically haven’t changed much over the years. Well, except maybe my size but what can you do? I’ve discovered tons of great food along my path to self righteousness

When the new system at Humor-Blogs.com went up, I made jokes about not clicking for anybody and all H-B members for themselves. I might have been serious for one minute but then I read this blog or that blog which made me laugh and I voted for them because they’re funny. Not only are they funny but I like them too. If we are truly honest with each other here, the main reason for joining any group is for traffic. It doesn’t matter what our reasons for wanting that traffic are but it does please us to receive some praise on things we shoot out at the webisphere.

There are some blogs I don’t find amusing but you know what? I am only one person with one opinion. What do I know about what the proper formula for writing comedy is? Is there even one? IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, I really don’t think there is.

A simple sentence like “I'm writing this from Scotland, which isn't actually a different Nation (I'm typing this quietly so that they don't hear me)” will have me losing my shit and laughing but that doesn’t mean it’s going to amuse everybody.

I’m sure Brian is okay with that because he writes for himself (and probably because we pressured him into starting a blog but that’s another story). Nobody on this Earth can convince me he’s not funny.

How about this line “So, I’m making more of an effort to exercise more because The Wife is making me make more of an effort to exercise more.” This is from my brother Dan whom I always thought was one of the funniest people plopped on my planet to amuse me.

How about this chick, "Well today is tomorrow so we went back." Jean Knee makes me laugh just by saying "Hmmmm..."!

I don’t believe either one of them is following a humor writing formula but they still manage to make me (and others) laugh.

I know there is a certain technique to humor writing. I’ve read some blogs that employ it and succeed and others that take it too far and BORE ME. Would I say that to their face? No, because even though it bored me it might have given somebody else the laughing squirts.

There are people on H-B that are so off the wall, their titles ALONE have me in stitches "You are the wind beneath my shorts" (the rest of LOBO's post is funny too).

There are a bunch of other examples but I'm at work so I can't keep opening windows to get links and examples.

The reason I was irritated with “Caleb” is because he/she was being vindictive by voting negatively without reading my posts. If, after he/she read them, he/she decided I suck donkey balls, I'd invite him/her for ice cream at the local Diphtheria Queen, I mean Dairy Queen and we would walk out of there skipping and laughing. Or maybe I'd be laughing and he/she would be criticizing me for laughing. Good times would be had by all.

A sad face will not dock my paycheck (coming in to work late? well, I have to start paying OZ now), it will not make my husband love me less. It will not make me want to jump off of a 1 story office window.

Do I consider my blog a *humor blog*? Yes and no, I consider it to be humorous because there are somethings that might make you smile even if you don’t guffaw into your coffee but there is no online social groups called Humorous Sometimes Funny Blogs. If you start one, let me know and I’ll be on that bandwagon so fast it’ll tip over!.

My goal is for you to be amused by the shit that lands on my face. It’s okay to make fun of me or say “Damn it girl! That happened to me too! I was just walking around, minding my own business when a pigeon had a diarrhea attack on my shoulder!” or “Your husband crashed into your car? Maybe next time he'll get lucky and you'll be standing in front of it!”

Nobody can mock me better than I mock myself. You can try, but you won't be successful!

I want to be able to make fun of things that are trying to get me down so I can show the fuckers out there trying to screw with my head that I still have my sense of humor and they are failing in their quest to suck the life out of my soul! Those same fuckers don't read this blog but that's besides the point because it is technically disproving my point and who wants to point that out? Stop pointing your fingers dammit!

I don't consider myself a sell out because I link to Humor Blogs simply because it gets me MORE traffic. That's why I link to Alltop, BlogCatalog, BlogHer, BlogLog, Twitter, Tecnorati and if there are others I'm missing, please let me know so I can link to those too. I want to infect as many people in my short life time as I can.

If people look down their noses at me because they don't think I'm funny,

A) They're probably taller than I am
B) Have big noses
C) Are a bunch of fuckwads

But what the fuck do I know? I'm just a girl, that owns 2 dogs and a husband, sitting behind a desk, eating a (too spicy for my own good) Panera Bread sandwich, neglecting her work duties.

P.S.
I know this post kinda sounds like those fuckers DID get under my skin but I'm just trying to point out 'he without sin cast the first stone' or 'do onto others' or 'don't feed them after midnight'.

KARATE CHOP!!!

Suntanned Karate Chop Hand Coming to a Face Smack Near You...

Hey!
How’s it going? You guys good? You feeling happy and comfortable?
Do you have a nice wedge of cheese and some Tequila by your side ready to enjoy and get your cheesy booze on?

Good for you!

How am I, you ask.

Well, I’m not gonna lie to you.

I am angrier than a deformed flea who just got pissed on by a swamp rat! I don’t know what that means but it can't be pleasant.

I am so fucking pissed off I’m having difficulty keeping my Karate chop hand still! My very suntanned Karate chop hand! It just wants to jump up and beat the shit out of anybody stupid enough to cross my path!

DON’T CROSS MY FUCKIN’ PATH!!
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Sorry, I didn’t mean you.
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The moronic bats I work with are driving me to the brink of insanity and I can't afford to get any closer to the edge!!

Anyway, I’m going to try and contain my eruptions throughout this post but, if you all of a sudden see --EARFUCKER!!-- or some odd word where it is not called for, please blame my turrets (which, like Cartman, I wish I had... well, only the awesome random swearing, not the high pitched squeals or twitches).

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I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of cool bloggers since I started this here blog a year ago.
Some of you are as whacked out as I am and others are just along for the ride.
Probably taking bets to see when I will actually crack and my face will wind up on the 7 o’clock news announcing I have stolen all the paper, pencils, staples, folders, etc. from my office and am building a giant ship so that I can travel to all the ports along Lake Michigan (my aspirations are low).
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Some bloggers and I have more of a stalking relationship than others. You know who you are. Those that get e-mails from me saying stuff like “THIS MOFO NEEDS TO BE BITCHED SLAPPED AND I’M JUST THE BITCH TO DO IT!!” or “Tibet hasn’t been freed yet? I could have sworn… ?”

Yeah, real intellectual stuff right?

Today, I’d like to showcase one bloggy friend.
I’ve talked about her before, how I admire her wholesomeness, lack of swears and how she makes OLD MEN cry!

The pay off has been great because I’ve received things in the mail that make me giddy. Recently, Elastic (AKA Melissa my *kin*) sent me a nice little pick me up. Something that would make me laugh, cry, wonder why we live so far and still hope her man will be transferred to a city near me so that we can be BFFs, sitting-outside-the-Tastee-Freeze-with-our-nachos-making-fun-of-the-poor-fools-THAT-GET-IN-THE-WAY-OF-MY-KARATE-CHOP-SUNTANNED-HAND, in real life.

She knows me so well without actually having met me and now I have proof.



See pens? Uh-huh me likey!
See sox? Total Playgirl!


Here is the weird part. Do you see this pen with the girl in the scarlet dress and the flowing hair?

What would you say if I told you that 4 years ago.

I went to a Wizard World Comic Book Convention.

Stood in line outside to get into the Rosemont Horizon renamed Donald Duck Stephenson Conventions Center.

Got myself my little geek (temporary) pass.

Went inside.

Trolled all the little stalls.

Looked at women with massive boobs.

Got hit on by one said woman with massive boobs.

Looked at art from all kinds of peeps.

Finally bought a print I’ve been displaying proudly since.
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Did you just get chills from this awesome coincidence??
To top it off, her daughter was the one to find them and say "Oh my gooossshhhh, that is SO BEE!"!

Unfortunately my blog is rated R so I'm sure she's not allowed to read my thanks.

:o(

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Thank you my Elastic friend and her oldest daughter Sunbum!!

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Look at that, no turrets episodes. The savage beast is at peace.

(FOR HOW LONG?)

Humor-Blogs Subliminal Message.

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...

I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!

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My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?

All I need is ONE cup of coffee just ONE! Until I have it, I guess you can say I'm not very pleasant.

Hey! Guess what? Today was fuckin' Monday! Well, it technically still is I guess but I’m fast forwarding my mind and making it Tuesday because I can’t bear another second of this awful freakin’ day!

I consider myself to be a nice person.

No, really! I AM nice!

I don’t go around bashing in people’s heads unless I’m provoked! I don’t go around making fun of people unless they do something stupid and then KEEP doing it.

It = anything that annoys me.

IT can also equal breathing, depending on my mood but whatever.

Anyway.

As the nice person I claim to be am, I made the coffee at the Asylum this morning even though it wasn't my turn. My logic was, the sooner it’s made, the sooner it can find its way into my veins. After giving it a reasonable amount of time to brew, I beeped CL bitch from hell receptionist and asked her if she’d like to go get her coffee first while I watched the phones. That was nice right? Putting her caffeine addiction before mine? When we all know that the world is a better place AFTER I’ve had my coffee?

And what does this numbnutts do?? She has a whole conversation with the punishor of speech, Milton . You know, the one that will regale you with the colors of socks she hunts for at the mall on weekends.

I could hear them chattering in the middle of the hall while my hands were getting shaky and my lip was trembling and my foot was jerking ready to kick somebody’s ass… Hey! I think I might have a problem but who cares! I just want my coffee!

So I got up, walked over to them and said “Okay, my turn.” forcing CL to run to answer the ringing phone.

Who do you think was the bad guy? Me!

I’m sorry but 20 minutes is way too long to wait for someone to come back from pouring a cup of coffee. Yes, I understand these people are soocially challenged but you know what? I gotta look after numero uno! Well, Andy is numero uno so I’d be numero dos.

For the rest of the day, both of them gave me the glarey-bitch-silent-treatment. What they don't know is that I INVENTED the glarey-bitch-silent-treatment! So there!

And to put the shit topper on my shitty sundae, my mom has decided to lengthen her stay until the end of July!

THE END OF JULY.

I know what you're thinking "Stop your whining you big baby!"

Don't make me go over there!

Andy and I have been surviving but just barely. We try to persuade people to invite us over for dinner but I think they're finally on to us. Maybe it was the containers we bring to take leftovers.

Maybe it was the fact that we drop in on them unexpectedly at say, midnight, and just raid their fridge. I don't know but their lack of food is getting on my nerves.

I'm tired of cooking! I want some nice homemade Mexican food! I need me some Espinazo, Caldo de Pollo Guisado, Carne de Oinko en Chile.
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Okay, it's not just about the food. My mom and I have a very close relationship. We see each other everyday and bond over Saturday morning coffee. She yells at me for not looking after the Numero Uno Husband and hates that I don't have kids but we learn to shelve these issues like all great families do.
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My sister, my mom and I are so freakin close! Oh and Dan too cuz he's a momma's boy and it isn't natural to be 31 and still calling her mommy. It's only acceptable if you're a girl. Then it's okay to be 35 and still calling her mommy.
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You know what else happened today? George Carlin DIED. Well, he died on Sunday which I think is ironic considering all his jokes about the sabbath. I know it wasn't technically on Monday but Monday is when I found out! I went over to visit Leigh and it was like a punch to the gut! I loved that dirty old bastard! Now all I have is my weird fascination for Eddie Izzard. I think we might wear the same size shoes.

I hate Mondays
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I know a lot of people did their tributes to him already but work had me too busy to update the blogus. Below is one of my favorite bits from his HBO special and it's regarding the 10 commandments. If you are overly sensitive about all subjects but are a fanatic about religion, you probably shouldn't watch it. If you have a sense of humor and can laugh without thinking too seriously on the issues, please watch it. If you're mad at me for this whole paragraph, you really really shouldn't click play.

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Please click on Humor-Blogs on your way out. Do it for George!

P.S.

If you're thinking my rants are bullshit, I kinda agree now that I've had my coffee. ;op

DEAR GOD ANDY! WHAT NOW???

I’m not gonna say Andy has driving issues. Nope. Those words will not come out of my mouth or er, fingers. I just want to point out that years of me pulling my car into the garage have never resulted in this.
My car is at the bottom of that pile of massacred bins.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, put my car in the garage so as not to back into it AGAIN.
Instead, THAT SOMEBODY, knocked into the tower of bins we have lined up against the wall, rigging them to fall after the garage door closed therefore leaving them for me to find this morning when I was in my usual hurry to get to work.

What?
You say it’s my fault for putting them in the garage in the first place?
Ha! I put them exactly where the husband told me to so neener neener to you!

I had to remove bin guts from my car which caused me to, not only be late for work (well, LATER THAN USUAL), once I got to work I couldn’t remember if I had closed the gawt dang garage door!

I had to get my happy ass back in my car and drive ALL* the way home, just to check on the door that I must’ve closed in the middle of all my mumbling and grumbling without realising because it was closed!

When I called Andy to inform him of the daily obstacles he litters my life's path with, just for shits and giggles, he said I get flustered too easily and I need to get ahold of myself.

Isn't he a sweetie pie? He's just lucky I didn't know where his happy ass was stationed at the moment because I would have driven over there and given him a fluster of fists to the face. Just kidding. maybe.

*Okay, so it was only 10 minutes round trip but those are 10 minutes I will never get back! What if I needed those 10 minutes to do something useful? Like maybe click on Humor-Blogs? Sure, I can find the time somewhere else but then I'd have to put off doing something else. Who will tell the children I can no longer teach them how to read and write? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (I have no idea what that’s about so don’t ask)
Also, if you're thinking I had time to do a post WHILE AT WORK... who asked you?

MY chest hurts! I think I’m having a lopsided heart attack!

That’s when your heart hurts but the pain is not on your left side.

Get ready for another rant. Ready? Are you sure? This might not be up long. I might take it down since I don’t know how long this pissed-off-edness will last. Might last one day, it might take us into the next century!

I have 3 brothers and one sister. Ages 32, 31, (wait, my sister is 8 years younger than me I’m 35. 35-8 =?) 27 and 25. I have no serious issues with those above the age of 26 but the one below that age??? I want to slap him so hard his silly cheeks will touch his toes!!!

I don’t understand!

We were all raised by the same mother so how can he be so different from the rest of us??

He was the first to cry out for independence, moved to New York and bummed around but finally came back after a year, skinner than death and even more lacking in family social skills.

He doesn’t want anybody’s advice because EVERYBODY IS WRONG but he will ask for money or favors when he needs them. He judges us for taking our jobs seriously “It’s just a job man!” Uh yeah, one that helps when you ask me to borrow money for the bus man!

Enablers, that’s what we are.

About 2 weeks ago I asked him to stop using the text option on his phone because we got a $70 bill for usages on his line alone. We are only supposed to be dishing out $9.99 and now he cost us 7 times that??

He apologized said he would stop but guess the fuck what? I checked on his phone and he is now up to $143!!

Seriously???

How was my message misinterpreted? Please, someone explain to me how me saying “Stop it!” turned into “Dude, you know what? I’d like you to text every one of your fuckin little loser friends just to say things like ‘wzup guy wtcha doin’?’ because I feel like this will help strengthen the muscles in my heart so that when I finally have THE BIG ONE I will be able to drive myself to the hospital without the need of an ambulance!”

Thanks LITTLE brother! I KNEW I could count on you!

What?

You think I should keep personal family bizness out of my blog?

Tough shit there Sparky because now you pissed me off! Before, when it was $75 -almost two full tanks of gas-, I could control my heart beats by breathing slowly but now THAT IT IS ALMOST DOUBLE??
Well, breathing slowly won’t cut it because I might just lose too much oxygen and the 6 brain cells I have left might start knocking into each other. Where will we be then? Will you take care of me? Will you pay my fuckin’ bills?

But! Here is my solution. That Stimulus Package we are all coveting? You will get to see me cash it after you've signed it and MAYBE I’ll give you bus fare.

::sigh::

I know what you’re going to say, ‘bump him off your plan’.

One day, one day my heart will indeed be ice and he’ll have to walk that high wire without his chump of a safety net!

See that? And I don't even have kids! I shouldn't have this type of stress in my life!

Another Monday that sucked monkey balls! Can you guys please click on Humor-Blogs for me even if you know all I do is rant?

Speed. The dangers of the elderly pushing their geriatric hips to their limit.

You know what cracks me up? (Besides monkeys dressed as people I mean, but I'm sure that makes everybody laugh.


Ha ha Ha!! See? Funny! An-y-way! Back to things that crack me up.)
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People who walk AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in an office environment.

Our office is a decent size with a big reception/waiting room area, 8 exam rooms, then there are the physicians’ offices plus 2 chart rooms, kitchen and a bathroom (I’ve never talked about THAT bathroom because I hardly use it and prefer to go out to the one in the main lobby. Why? you ask, because I went in to use it once and one of the doctors hadn’t flushed which made me gag and… blech!) are towards the back.

You with me? My point here is that no matter how big the office is, you do not need to be rushing about the place like you’re trying to win the 100 yard dash and the prize is a shiny new nickel.

If I have to plaster myself to the wall and then fix my hair after you’ve sped by me, leaving a weird back draft of wind, well, you need to adjust your meds.
AND! If you think I’m going to move my butt faster just because you’re on my heels? The exact OPPOSITE will happen. All of a sudden I’ll be looking for hidden images on the walls or the carpet or the ceiling “ooh! look at that! It looks just like Ghostface from Scream!!”

All in all, this is my way of telling you “Slow the hell down Speedy Gonzalez!”

The 3 feet you walk to the copy machine will not burn 20 pounds of fat off your body. It just won't.
There are no emergencies in our office, except that one time Scarecrow started pushing a wheelchair before the patient had a chance to place his feet on the foot holder things.
No emergencies = no need to power walk with your ass up in the air. Unless that's your signature walk, in that case you have other issues.

Okay, so it doesn’t so much crack me up as make me want to beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk. Just another thing I guess.
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Do you remember this post? Where I wanted people to stop calling me the mother of my dogs?

Now we're on the flip side.

Anonymous dummy:
"What are you getting Andy for Father's Day?"

Fed Up Cool Girl:
"If Andy is a dad, I'm getting him a coffin"

Anonymous dummy #2:
"No silly, from the dogs."

Still fed up cool girl:
"Why do you insist on making these bestiality accusations? My Andy would never get it on with a dog!"

Hopefully word will travel and people will stop their fuckin' questions!

You know where there are allot of quick walking motherfathers? Humor-Blogs.
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On a completely different subject, this here message is for NCS. Her B-Day is 5/28/08. if you're not NCS, don't read it okay? It's secrety and private.

Feliz Cumpleaños Chica Feliz!!! Mucho gusto en conocerte!

P.S.
How does one become addicted to Orbit Mojito flavor gum?? I nearly ripped my desk drawer out when I couldn't find the last piece of gum I had left.

I had to stand back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself gum was NOT worth dying for, coffee on the other hand...

P.P.S.
Stay tuned for my next post where the curse of the laundromat continues. It's a doozy!

The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?

Queen of Sausages
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
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Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
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I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
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Scene Two:

I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
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I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
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Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
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And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
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Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

Dasani (a product of THE Coca Cola Company) oh how you have let me down!

Saintly Dasani Bottle
I don’t want to be rude and say “Fuck you, you piece of shit!” before explaining why I am so unbelievably aggravated with you and hoping you'll change.

You are my favorite brand of water because you taste less like chemicals and more like nothing. That’s right NOTHING. I like that in my water.

I’ve had the pleasure of drinking you for years now and you’ve always quenched my thirst.

.

HOWEVER!

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It would be nice to be able to open the damn bottle without having to use my teeth!
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.

Evil Dasani Bottle
I beg you now to go to the numb-nuts that designed your bottle and throw yourself at their mercy. Ask them to take pity on the proud women who do not like to ask the men in their lives to open a bottle for them thereby confirming what they believe, that we're poor helpless females.

Let them know my dentist charges too much money for teeth transplants so that would be out of the question.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.

Any assitance you can provide will be appreciated!

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P.S.

If anybody tells me Dasani is tap water. I know it! But it's tap water that doesn't TATSE like tap water! It taste liek NOTHING.

Please save my sanity by clicking on Humor-Blogs, thanks!

I am so a fuckin trendsetter you ignorant douche that questioned why I wore one black shoe and one brown!!

Okay I um… accidentally wore 2 different colored shoes to work. It was cloudy this morning therefore my house was pitch black (or brown I obviously can’t tell the difference) and my electrician husband doesn’t believe in having working lights in our house. I kid I kid. His logic is that if he can’t afford, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, the expensive 5 million dollar designer lights, then we shall just walk around bumping into furniture and –ahem– wearing the same style shoes in different colors.

Of course, being unable to see is not always my excuse. One time I wore two different styles of shoes to Nancy’s ultrasound both black but one was lace up and the other was a slip on. Another time I wore one red sandal and one brown one but my sister stopped me at the door before I left for work and questioned my sanity.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing these humiliating errors. Or maybe I should stop buying the same style of shoes in different colors?

╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟╟

My first day back at work after 4 days off was as shitacular as all Mondays are proving to be.

I turned in my Authorization Note which said something like ‘without my driver’s license I cannot buy the liquor I so desperately need to ♫☼♪ forget all my troubles and go DOWNTOWN♫☼♪’ Glynda laughed her head off but Milton made this face:



I then removed 5 million charts from my chair and put up a *do not resuscitate* sign on my desk.
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Speaking of signs, I found this one on NCS’ blog and I had to steal it! I went to her blog, snuck up on it from the side (they never expect you to sneak up on the side, they always expect an attack from the front and the back but never the side) (I’m the exception. I expect attacks from the front, back sides, top, bottom, crisscross… I’m always prepared so don’t even TRY it!) clicked on it, saved it and posted it here.

Danger. Do Not Touch. Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying.

It’s perfect! Everything I’ve always wanted to say about myself in 3 short sentences. Add to it that I’m also always grimacing and we’re set to move on with our lives.

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Here is a special Happy Birthday wish to my friend the great Elastic Woman.

Some theories on why she was born in a snow storm.

-She was hot even back then so they needed to bring down the temp in the hospital.
-She arrived in a flaming space vessel along with another dude who got all the attention just because he was made of steel or something and could see through clothes and jumped over tall buildings because he was a manic moron. They never told you about her super powers.

She is able to cook in a far away place and leave you wishing you could eat your computer screen. She can single handedly make you laugh at euphemisms you thought only existed in other worlds. She can shake you loose from bad moods and slap them across the face while they’re exiting your body with a warning never to return.

She can give birth at home then cook a mean dewberry cobbler concoction WITH REAL DEWBERRIES!

Most importantly of all, she has great taste in friends...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELASTIC... AND MANY MORE!!!

P.S.

Please click on Humor-Blogs. Thank you!

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

I am going to have X-Ray screens following me wherever I go so people can see the inner, skinny, Bee.

Soooooooo...
I've been having shoulder pain the last couple of months. Being the complete bad ass I am, I kept thinking pain shmain! I blamed the Teaspoon/Tablespoon position or ANDY for not letting me sleep in the comfort I deserve by restricting my movements.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore. The pain felt as if gorillas were playing tug of war with my arm. Yeah, it was THAT BAD! I let The Bats talk me into making an appointment with the older semi-retired Orthopaedist in our office.
First he ordered the X-Rays and these were the very important questions I asked while in the darkroom with Scarecrow:
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*Does the X-Ray machine make me look fat?
*Will this thing cook my eggs?
*Can you see my eggs?
*Do they look like colorful Easter eggs?
*Can you see if my inner child was eaten by my inner bitch giving birth to the demi-goddess I am now?
*What part of that didn't you understand?
*Can you see the remnants of what I ate yesterday?
*Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom?
*So what if you're just x-raying my arm?
*How many fingers am I holding up?
*Are you sure it's not the middle finger?
*Can it see thru my fat?
*Is my funny bone still there?
*Does it look like a banana?
*Is my problem caused by teaspooning?
*Is that thing focusing on my boob?
*What do you mean I'm the worst patient you ever had?

This is the thing that took my picture

I had to stand facing sideways against this wall thingy
Here is my shoulder.
Can you see the Tendinitis Bursitis with a little bit of Arthritis? What do you mean 'No'? It's right there!

Now, besides the big bottle of generic Tums, I had to go buy a big generic bottle of Tylenol Arthritis!! 'Why?' you ask.
Well, it turns out that, as brother Dan put it, my shoulder has lots of mileage! Thanks to many years of being the strongest girl you will ever meet, my rotator cuff has suffered some wear and tear and I will have days when my shoulder cannot support the weight of anything heavier than 15lbs!

The doc said if the Arty meds don't work, he'll give me Vicodin. There's that to look forward to I guess.

Wouldn't you think Andy would be all sympathetic and want to help me in any way possible? Oh noooooooooo, his first reaction was:
"Ha! Now's my chance to beat you at wrestling you one armed mutant!"

Yes, but then I'll get better for another few months and come back to whip his ass!

I can't help but thinking that I never had problems like these when I was 34!

Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs I'll feel better.

P.S.
I'll be incommunicado Friday and the weekend. If I don't visit your awesome blogs, that's why.
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P.P.S.
Why oh WHY do they make the bottles for ARTHRITIS medication SO HARD TO OPEN??

Later chivatos!!

Don't tell ME where to put MY stimulus package!

Can we please stop referring to the damn tax check as our Stimulus Package???
EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT I SNORT!!
Try keeping a straight face when you’re talking to a patient who is excitedly telling you what he’s gonna do with his Stimulus Package!

I DARE YOU NOT TO LAUGH!!

I didn't laugh, I just sneezed violently into a Kleenex.

Stimulus package!

You know what we’re going to do with ours?
Pay our freakin’ utility bills! Our gas (heating) bill was nearly $400 a month over the winter.

Guess how much our electric bill will be over the summer? Probably $400 a month. And gas (petrol)? Andy fills up every week with $50, me, every other month with $45 so every 3 months we’re spending $690 JUST TO GET TO WORK!

I know what you're going to say "Bee, you don't need to be warm in minus 500 degree weather! You won't freeze, it's all a myth!"

Fuckers should do something about stimulating the hind quarters of the freakin’ Utility/Gas Companies! Preferably with a large metal object the size of a water tower.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're getting it but if they are stupid enough to think we're gonna go spend it on a capricious whim, they've got their heads up their asses. Just sayin'.
That was Rant #1
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Rant #2
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I was on the phone all day today and I have one question.
Why the long ass extensions??
I call a number and the person's extension is 16874529 where the hell is the person located? Jupiter?? I have to keep looking at the number and my dislexic brain gives me the wrong sequence about 5 times before I get it right!
Oh and the hold information? I DO NOT need to hear I will be dying of heart disease if I'm a woman. Such pessimistic talk should only be reserved for people over the age of 75. Me? I'm young-ish and immortal.

Uh... okay that was more than one question.
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Rant #3

Karma is a dirty bitch whore!! Okay, I didn’t mean that. Well, only when she’s Karma-ing me in a bad way is she a dirty bitch whore.

I think I have contracted the horrible restless legs disease!

I might be wrong, I rarely am, but I believe Tazz got it first and infected me.
I would always make fun of him running in place or waving his legs crazily in the air while sleeping.
This always amused me and I’d egg him on by meowing, you know, in case he was dreaming of catching that crazy cat.

Now I find myself doing the same thing only I’m awake! I can't sleep without allot of imaginary ant killing. I wonder if it's becuase of that one Crazy Leg post I did...??? Well I was just kidding KARMA!

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LAST RANT OF THE DAY

I don't have children. Is everybody aware of this fact. Everybody? Even you in the back? Okay.

My dogs ARE NOT my children!
I did not give birth to them!
If I had, it would be one fucked up story to tell!

So don't ask me what my dogs are going to give me for Mother's Day! I love my pets but I know that in the natural order of things, if Armageddon would come and we had nothing to eat, they would sacrifice their lives so that we may live.
If you're dense, this means they would literally become HOT DOGS ON THE GRILL!

That right there tells you I am not their Mother! Humans do not (hopefully) eat their offspring. Next person to ask me what Andy and the dogs are doing for me on Mother's Day will be treated to a smack upside the head!

That is all.

P.S.
I know you're sick of me asking but I'm sliding down the ranks. Sliiiiiiiding. Please click on Humor-Blogs or I might have to rant about you too. Yes YOU!

P.P.S.

I don't watch American Idol but I despise David Archuleta! There. I said it.

I once was lost but now I’m at Target.

-Day 105-
You know, I sometimes wonder what posses parents to bring their untrained offspring with them everywhere they go.

Stop. No need to send me hate mail. I know YOUR kids are angels and YOU’RE the perfect parent blah blah blah…

I went to Target to get some of my essentials, stuff that keeps my hair radicus and my skin blemish free and glowing.

There I am, minding my own business, trying to decide between -gel extra strength antiperspirant- or -no stain solid antiperspirant- (always go with the gel, that way you don't have the problem of half the deodorant breaking out of the container after a brisk swipe of the pits), when all of a sudden! Two little kids run by me nearly toppling me over! Okay, not so much toppling since my center of gravity is so low to the ground (my butt) but I did spin around cartoon style and I forgot what aisle I was standing in.

The little devils then started yelling ‘Mom! Where are you??’ “MOM!!’ ‘DAD!!!’ They took a turn at the end of the aisle too quickly, the corner display went bye-bye but they kept running around yelling for their parents.

They didn’t get an answer. You know why? Because mom and dad were probably at The Elephant Bar having a Mai Tai happy as hell their evil spawn were making me deaf!

Everywhere I went they followed! I finally thought I’d lost them in the underwear section, nope! (not that I buy underwear at Target … … )

More MOM/DAD yelling. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the nearest vacant faced employee and said ‘you better page their parents before I drown them in Yoo-Hoo!’

He