Thursday, July 17, 2008

Hey, here’s a new way to introduce me. “This is the lady with a birthmark on her inner thigh.”

The Bats were talking to some old dude at the reception area (I guess he used to work here 100 years ago). I came up to drop off some out going mail and Purple DinoSour turns to me and says,

“This is Twiddlywhogivesashit. [turns to him and says], this is Bianca, the one who doesn’t have children.”

Me [a little startled]:
Are you a door to door kid salesman?


So this gave me the greatest idea! I will point to them and highlight something random throughout the day.

“This is PD, she’s the one that repeats things 5 times before she pretends to understand.”

“This is Scarecrow, she’s the one who shakes when she’s trying to stand still.”

“This is Milton, she’s the one GOD hasn’t figured out yet.”

“This is Cowardly Lion, she’s the one who likes to cry when she pees.”

WHY ON EARTH would someone tell a STRANGER I don’t have kids?

After the old dude left, I asked how the topic of my non deformed vajajay (sorry moms out there, I don’t mean you! also, I have no idea if it goes back to it’s original shape or what and I kind of don’t want to know) had arisen in their everyday conversation. I was really curious, you know, in case I’m ever confronted with this situation again.

Oh, he was asking if we’d heard from people who used to work here and we told him about you.

Okay, but how did you bring up my childlessness? Did you say it in a stage whisper like it was some horrible secret “The girl that works here DOESN’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN, SWORE SHE NEVER WOULD AND HAS PROMISED HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL!!”?

Don’t be silly! [Doris Day hair Marie Barone twin looking over her glasses at my silly ass]


Oh for heaven’s sake! [throws arms up in air and walks out of the room]

What do you guys think? Was I overreacting? Is it reasonable for me to want to know why/how my lack of procreation habits came up?




  1. Oh, you didn't want to have kids? Your office co-workers told me it was because sperms were afraid of your wrath...

  2. Unless you work in the DoubleMint factory, where twins pop out of vending machines, it's kind of a strange way to introduce a person.

    But that's the thing, I guess. Everybody thinks they have social skills, when half the time, they come up with corkers like that one.

    Me, I'd be cringing for WEEKS if I said that to someone. But then, I KNOW I don't have social skills. :)

    PS- I think you should be "Bee, the one with the blog."

  3. what freaks

    there was this one teacher who used to say if you don't have any children you can't possibly understand them or be a good teacher. At the time I was childless and a totally kick ass teacher. Now with a child I wouldn't do anything differently.

    This same teacher, I kid you not, had a picture of George Bush Sr. on her bulletin board with a sign that said he was governor of Texas-

    that goes far beyond your normal moron-ness almost to the level of funji

  4. They were obviously struggling to describe you. Which could mean:

    1. you are non-descript.

    2. You are indescribable.

    3. They're loopy old women.

    As far as Jean Knee's teaching thing is concerned, the idea that a specific experience of parenthood is going to equip someone to deal with hundreds of different kids from different backgrounds is a bit ludicrous.

  5. WTF??

    I don't think you over reacted. I'd want to know too.

    Well, if I wasn't one of those people who pees when she sneezes ;-)

  6. your office reminds me of the tv show, "the office." that remark sounds exactly like something michael would say. i'm laughing, only because it's not me.

  7. Sometimes I'm really glad I'm in the world of comedy. We don't have those problems.

    And if someone did introduce us like that, everyone else would applaud.

  8. I would have corrected her and said "No, I'm the one that ate all of her children because they started acting like PD" or “No, I'm the one with a vajajay shaped like this" *holds up her hands to show Twiddlywhogivesashit how it's shaped* or "No, I'm the woman who scarifies young nubile girls to the ever-loving supreme being, Satan."

    Something......just sayin'

  9. No, that's just as bad as saying, "she's the one with all the kids!" But once you get married, that's how you're defined in either direction. And if you're single, you're defined as single.

    And yes, it does go back to normal. For most of us anyway.

  10. I work with a woman who is obsessed with babies and practically ignored her one child who had produced no grandchildren and focused entirely on the three that were popping grandkids - out often to the detriment of the grandchild. She’s totally OCD about children and it is tediously exhausting.

    Which means I'm trying to say that some idiots of the world judge others based on their demon spawn status.

    I know from personal experience of being happily childless - but as a man.

  11. I'm introduced as the one who's


  12. I think it was terribly rude. Why would you even introduce somebody like that let alone discuss. Grrr..

  13. I've never understood the need to tack on an explanation of who a person is/does after they've been introduced. I'd so probably be tacked with "She's the one who pees when she sneezes," though, which would absolutely suck if it weren't true (because it's true - honey, my kids ripped through me!).

    Who am I kidding. It WOULD suck, true or not.

    (OK, it's not true. It's NOT! I just used that example as a humorous liberty. Maybe. Whatever.)

  14. It has been proven (by me) that people are the happiest without children.
    They're happy when they're just married and have no children, then they're happy again when the kids are old enough to move out.......
    or the Nanny comes back from vacation.

  15. awwwwwww, this post reminds me of when I first met you and you wouldn't use the word vagina and I wrote it a million times or something.

    and now it's vajajay

  16. Yes, that was a rude introduction...however, maybe she wanted the person to know that you were the only one there who wasn't shell-shocked and shaking (not to mention peeing on yourself)and worrying if the kids were burning down your house.

  17. You made me laugh so hard I think I leaked a little pee.

    Got nothing for you. I don't know why people are so fascinated with if/when/why or why not others are going to spawn. I think people who have kids are desperate to recruit more into the cult so they have others to commiserate about lack of sleep with, or something.

  18. People never stop defining you by some aspect of your life. The question I am always asked now is "when you are going to have another baby?" For some reason most people do not understand that I do not want any more children. I was actually like you, didn't want any at all, but she is proof that you can get pregnant while on birth control and using condoms.

  19. Bee, you work with old ladies from the old school of thought. Back in their day, it wasn't unusual for Ma and Pa to give their blessing so that they could run off with that Amish kid next door, Hezekiah to get married at 14 and to become a barefoot, pregnant woman whose only joy in life came from Betty Crocker debuting some new boxed product to make their life easier.

  20. You have me paranoid about my fleshy box now. You know that, don't you? Good thing my pube Afro covers up most of it.

  21. Oh, and being a Mormon means big time pressure to spawn. However, the church actually issued a statement that husbands need to think of their wife's best interest mentally/physically before asking them to crank out more babies. and then they basically told women not to feel guilty and take on more than they can handle.

    Free agency and all that.

  22. VE:
    There’s some sort of term for that. Monica from Friends had it, I think it’s called Inhospitable Environment. That’s me alright!

    The reason I call my work place the Asylum is because it describes this place to a T. In a way I’m happy because it gives me material but there are some days I go home and ask Andy if his long lost rich uncle has died and left him a millionaire. Sadly, the answer is always “No” followed with “Make me dinner woman!” ;op

    jean knee:
    I think there are women out there that are nurturing no matter if they have kids or not. I’m not even one little bit ONE LITTLE BIT nurturing so I don’t get kids at all.
    My nieces I can deal with but I’m often at a loss with other people’s kids.

    I would have settled for:
    “This is Bianca, she is the youngest one in this office and likes to garden in her spare time. And slay old dragons!”

    I harassed her the whole day but she wouldn’t spill the freakin’ beans! Then I started my torture on the others but they couldn’t remember how it came about… BITCHES!

    I love that show! Andy always asks me if it’s like that where I work and I have to say it’s worse.

    I think if I worked in a place where women balanced out their careers with their family life, I wouldn’t have an issue but the majority of the women I work with had kids, they grew up then they got jobs so they see me as being only about me. Well, yeah, I am all about me as the blog shows. :o)

  23. Queen Gooob:
    They’re a bunch of ninnys. Have I mentioned they’re always gassy???

    They definitely have me compartmentalized.

    Glad to hear it! ;o)

    Men hardly ever harass other men because they don’t have kids.
    I know my hubs gets the “Oh, you don’t have kids? Lucky!” from coworkers. Hmmmmm, I wonder what their wives would have to say about that?

    Well congrats to you but I think you were actually twelfth!
    What? No argument??

    These women are older so they think they can get away with being obnoxious. Don’t worry, I give back better than I get. :o)

  24. FADKOG:
    I think I saw in Bridget Jones’s Diary where people introduce others by some accomplishment or another so maybe that’s what she was trying to do… well, the problem with that theory is, she only watches movies from the 50’s.

    From now on, I shall call you “Happy Dan” or the other word for happy, gay.

    jean knee:
    I know what you’re doing jean knee!

    Ha ha! Yeah, maybe she looks up to me! :o)

    Manager Mom:
    I wish the world would believe me when I say they are better off without anything that might come out of me. Instead of giving birth to an Einstein, I might give birth to a Gilbert Gottfried. Really, who wants THAT!??!

    I know, right! I have a friend who is in your same possition.
    People say to me all the time “If you did have a child you WOULD love him or her!” I know I would love my child I’m not a beast so if it were to ever happen I wouldn’t lose control.

    They are so old school, they were making diapers out of leaves back when they had kids
    I’m sure your hooha is fine! Just fine!

  25. No you weren't overreacting. Why in the hell would that come up in their conversation? That's ridiculous.

  26. the vagina monologuesJuly 18, 2008 at 3:22 PM

    it's empowering to use the word vagina. Power to the sisters!

  27. HA HA!!! Oh, people are priceless, and God forbid she should acknowledge her lack of tact and frickin' apologize already.

  28. undeformed vajajays internationalJuly 18, 2008 at 10:41 PM

    We approve of this post!

  29. You don't pee when you sneeze? Interesante.
    When do you pee then?


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