Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The saga? It continues.

But first.

I'd like to respond to two commentators from yesterday's post:

Diesel asked...
"Did you really say all that? I'm never that clever when I need to be."


My mouth has a mind of its own completely independent from my brain. They hardly ever communicate therefore getting my butt, completely independent from my brain but not independent from my mouth, into the proverbial hot water. I've grown accustomed to the hot water and just pretend I'm in a jacuzzi.

That was a long answer for "Yes. I really said that." ;op

Berry said...
I like your blog but your posts are too long sometimes.

Berry, is it? Like StrawBerry or

I can't help it. My day is long. My rants are long. My life IS long.

To shorten it would mean Andy is free to marry a true paragon of virtue and I just will not stand/die for that!

And now Berry, just for you, another long post but I semi-promise not to do a post until Friday. If I'm not tired. You have my permission to read this one in two parts while stroking your kitty cat.


Okay, I know you guys are tired of hearing about my Bat problems at the Asylum. I know you’re thinking “Yawn! Maybe if you stop being such a bitch, people would love you!”

My response to you is “Say that again to my face. Can you hear my voice? That's because I’m right behind you.”

Ha ha did you get chills?? Just kidding I'm too lazy to Google your butt so you’re safe. For now.

Listen, I wish I could talk to you guys about the recent news items that have come to my attention but I just don’t have the time okay? I wish I could discuss with you how gross I find it that women are going to salons and letting fish
nibble the crust off their feet but this here is REAL LIFE!

Anyyyyway, Part-Time Savior came in today. She kept holding the left side of her face thinking we weren’t wise to her charade (please say it like the Brits, shah-rod) but I’m desperate and time is running out on me here so I faked concern.

But then, the concern became real.

Our computer system is extremely easy. It’s almost as if they designed it so people with lobotomies could operate it while undergoing removal of their left eye. AND heavily sedated.

At the bottom of the screen it will give you prompts:

A) Launch bug
B) Eat spaghetti
C) Slap coworker

You select what you want and move on to the next screen where you’ll have another series of questions.

Being of superior intellect, I mastered the system and showed the Bats a couple other little short cuts they were never aware of (like screen-prints. who would of thought you can PRINT a SCREEN!) until my dazzling arrival.

The assistants I’ve had before, BD and Dorothy, while not as bright as me/myself/I, they caught on quick. I always start them slow and easy which means they have to learn 5 things the first day (not counting finding your way around the Asylum).

I print a simple, yet important, report give it to them and by the end of the day they would be almost done.

As I type this, because I have nothing better to do, it is 2:40 and she will be leaving in 20 minutes. I've done everything in my power, except open her head and pour the information directly into her brain, to teach her these FIVE EASY THINGS and she is still not getting it!

Directions are, from main screen.

Select Inquiry. *enter*

Enter Account # *enter*

Hit F3 Key

Highlight patient *enter*

Hit C for charges *enter*

Write down X Y Z from this screen on the report. (This doesn’t count as something they need to learn here because people should know how to write by now)

I know what you’re going to say, why doesn’t she screen-print the information.

think of the trees (N C S !!)

No, I only need 3 things from that screen which doesn’t warrant me having stacks of paper.

For some reason, she types the account number and either sits and waits for Zeus to come over and whisper the info in her ear or she enters the account# then hits “C” and “enter” which sends her back to the main screen because the system is scratching it’s head, asking itself what type of monkey is pushing the pretty buttons.

Okay, I do sound mean.

I try to be a patient trainer, I really do. You can ask the people I’ve been boss the of. Brother and sister duo Dan and Nancy, Andy (I’m still his boss so he might not have anything good to say) and BD.

BD! If you’re out there, come out of the attorney slime hole you call your new job and back me up here!

Now I’m 2 days behind because she just left and only finished 8 pages out of 40.

Her excuses for not *getting it* were classic.

“My computer screen is too dark”
I brightened it.

“My F3 key doesn’t work.”
It does.

“When I hit enter it doesn’t take me to the same place it takes you!”
Really? Let me check the computer for wormholes. Nope, no wormholes.

“I’m typing everything you told me to, per my notes, and it’s wrong.”
Is she…? Are you…? Is she blaming it on me?

Yeah, that’s the safest way to go, blame it on me. See where THAT gets you.

More work got done yesterday, when she wasn't here!

If she doesn’t perform well tomorrow, it’s curtains (or coytuns as the mobsters say). I'm not heartless so I'm going to give her another chance, plus I like the way she smells kind of like inscense and
Pier One Imports.


And now for a mini segment I shall call “the fuckin bitches I work with are a bunch of whiners who want to see me fall flat on my face!”

When P-TS came in, I gave her her governmental forms to fill out and I went to get my coffee. As I'm walking by the reception area, I hear this conversation.

CL to [Toto]:
… well it’s HER assistant I'm JUST the receptionist so I'm not saying anything!

I moon walked back to them and sweetly asked WTF was going on.

CL looked like the clichéd deer in the headlights but Toto asked if I wanted my new assistant to get paid because I hadn’t set up a time card for her to punch in.

I'd like to say I took the high road and shrugged my shoulders as if to convey bygones will be bygones and she is such a silly rabbit. I did not.

I told her we were working for the same company and she needed to grow up!

Why? Why are people such asses? Why would you want to sabotage somebody you work with?


It doesn't look like my mood is going to get better anytime soon folks!

Remember, if you have any grievances with what you've read here today, please forward your complaints to:




Our mutilators operators are standing by!

My nerves? They are tightly wound. But finely tuned.

Picture from
Weirdomatic dot com

I know the joke is on me since I stand alone and am the one always frustrated and ranting.
See you Friday!


  1. i know you hate my future career as a lawyer but who else is gonna represent you when you finally snap?

    you need us like you need grilled queso!!

    you were an aright boss. a little short maybe.

  2. short as in MINI.

    you have some fans down by my junkyard. a couple people want to meet you. scared?

  3. You are so going to be looking for another assistant. She blew her hand (not the one where she held her face in mock pain, but the other one) when she tried to say your instructions were all wrong.

    For you, Bee, I am going to start saying it as 'sha-rod,' for it sounds classy, and we are nothing if not classy. Not fish feet classy, but damn classy none the less.

  4. My instincts were right - you should have gone for Miss Cleavage. Or Tracy's children.

    It sounds like she would fit in well at the Restaurant that does Oz's lunch.

    Good luck with elocution thing...

  5. I like your blog but your posts are too long sometimes

    yeahhhhh... ya gotta love the short attention span. Oh look, a pretty butterfly! (scampers off)

  6. wasn't there a hot dude that applied? you should have hired him. even if he sucked you'd at least have something nice to look at.

    you should write up all the instructions for her and print them out (not let her use her own notes). tell her she needs to finish 40 (or however many you need)accts by the end of today. when she doesn't do it, tell her not to come back tomorrow. then call that hot guy.

  7. You made this post extra long just for Berry, didn't you? :P

    You know, they really aren't that long, there's just a lot of spaces that make them look longer. And I like the spaces, they keep my attention. Which is NOT easy to do, trust me.

    Plus, you know, there are these other things called BOOKS that are REALLY long. Hundreds of pages! And people actually pay money for them!

  8. Post length is only a problem if you don't have anything to say.

    You do, so it isn't.

  9. The sad thing is, you could have tested your new idiot's - I mean assistant's ability to press the right buttons in the right order during the interview.

  10. Well, darlin... if it's any consolation, I am taking much pleasure in your calamity. It's so nice of you to share it with us so we can laugh our asses off.

    And why is it so funny? Because we've all been there. I totally feel ya, babe. With both hands!

    I know you want a savior, part time or otherwise, but I'm afraid this dumbfuck twit should have never been allowed to show up the day after she called in sick for her first day. You are right. You get more work done WITHOUT her.

    *heaving a heavy sigh*

  11. yeah, dump the idiot. Go out for margaritas then let some fish mack on yer feet. wheee!

    cupcake never did anything useful like that

  12. Yeah, you need to be the boss over at...you know, the place where the guy is all I'M THE BOSS and YOU SUCKville.

  13. Everyone runs into the co-worker who is convinced that by doing the bare minimum they will immediately be respected by their colleagues as someone who won't be pushed around.

    This may be true but then your boss sees you as just lazy. Who signs the checks?


    And actually I am sorry to say you might have a new helper or two down the road who make you believe in eugenics. That just may be karma because you have said you had 2 that were pretty competent, hard working & funny. Everyone knows that pretty much 75% of new people at a work place will just plain make your job about as hard as it was by yourself.

    Guess who gets blamed if the new person sticks for more than a month & still sucks?

    You almost have to treat it as sports tryouts. You have tiers of achievement to attain to show that you still belong on the field.

  14. Good thing you answered my question up at the top, because I think Berry and I both drifted a little around the 7th chapter of this post.

  15. Did you pick her?
    You should give Natalia a summer job.

  16. I had no idea that there were rules to how you did your blog, you know the entry lengths and what nots. I think that if Berry thinks that your posts are too long you should send her over to twitter. That might hold her attention span a little longer. For the record, I love your posts and have never thought to myself "My God when is this going to END?" I just hope you don't start editing yourself because one person made a comment.

    As for the assistant, I think she's an asshole. I mean, seriously, who calls off on their first day of work? Who does that? That's your one day to make a good impression. Not showing up is not a good impression.
    I don't like her Bee. I say can her and hire my monkeys. As an added bonus, I'll even let them live with you while they work for you. You're welcome!

  17. Rickey sure as hell hopes there aren't restrictions to blog post lengths, cause his upcoming one is damned long and winding... (but in a decided good way).

  18. ♫♪The trees are alive with the sound of music♫♪
    With songs they have sung for a thousand years♫♪
    The trees fill my heart with the sound of music...♫♪

    Oh, what? it's supposed to be hills?
    oopsie, my bad.

    The trees are still dead

  19. How come Berry gets the long post?
    No fair Bee.
    Per your intructions!
    NO FAIR.

  20. I hate it when people can't follow simple instructions.
    Fire her Bee.
    Fire her dumb lying inscense behind.

    Tell her The Bloglacle has spoken.

  21. Bee? Are we no longer speaking? I'm concerned. You skipped me in your responses for the comments of the last post. You still haven't offered to hire my children. I'm kind of starting to feel needy here Bee.


    Hello Bee?

  22. The moonwalk is truly the best entrance one can make into a conversation. Bravo!

  23. Hey, if you dump, I'm good a pushing buttons. Just not tieping ior spelin,

  24. i look forward to your posts, long or not! the bigger the better...cuz it is all about size. dingleberry! lol! made my day with that one!

  25. lol...lol

    I agree with Dan. I bet you Natalia would have gotten the hang of it for sure! You and I know...

  26. These posts are too long?
    The Mighty Bee needs time to clear her head.
    If anyone thinks they clear AAAALLL that out any faster...well, be careful.
    It's scary in there.

  27. ohh.........FEET....I completely understood what the fish were nibbling on. I wonder if they get 401k.

  28. Hey Bee, after reading your instructions I can do the job. So I'll be in to help you out on Monday. :)
    And yeah, yuk I saw that fish eating pedicure thing on TV. That has to be the grossest...most gross...whatever...it made me puke...thing I have ever seen.
    If Berry thinks your posts are too long, then mine must seem like "War And Peace" to him/er

  29. I always wondered what makes a blog "long" and what makes a blog "short". Sometimes I write long blogs sometimes I write short ones. Bee, I believe people should be thankful that we are allowing them to be entertained by us for free.

    Also, thank you for liking my blog, but only as a friend. That's exactly what I need in my life. More women who like me and/or the things I do in purely in a just a friend manner.

    Is it getting lonely in here or is it just me?

    Also, The Dark Knight was incredibly great. If you haven't seen it you should be considered a terrorist.

  30. Ha! You call this long???

    This looks like one of my titles.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.