A rambling ♫musical♫ Sunday.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me.

He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"

Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)

Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding?
We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd recorded.
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I enjoyed the history lessons given to me by the Metal icons I worshipped in my youth (still do, if you want to know the truth). What I did NOT enjoy was seeing those same Metal icons old and decrepit.
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I did not enjoy Twisted Sister's front man, Dee Snider, showing me how he exercised his vocal chords by singing Ave Maria. His voice still rocks but he made my ears cringe with his Aaaave Maaarrrriiiiiiaaaa.

Speaking of weird, why is it that every time I hear Suzie Q by CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival, Brian!) I want to get up and do a go-go dance??
If I'm alone (the dogs don't count), I will, but if there is anybody else in the room, I just do a half body jam. (I wish I could tell you I look hot doing it but I just resemble Forest Gump dancing to Sweet Home Alabama.)

How much does John Fogerty rock?? One of my all time favorites is "Have you ever seen the rain?"


When I went to YouTube to embed this video, it pulled up related videos. Please click on this screen print and tell me WHAT the first one listed has in common with my beloved CCR!?!? (okay, for some reason you can't click on the picture but you can still make out the title)

I mean, yes, they screwed John Fogerty out of the songs HE wrote but I don't think they did it literally (I hope)!

How did I go from Metal to CCR? I decided to update my iTunes. So now you're going to be treated to the soundtrack of my Sunday.
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During our preparation of dinner, Regina Spektor and Alexz Johnson (AJ courtesy of brother Dan because he loves listening to teeny bopper music and METAL, he is sooo weird).
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I went to grill the meat while Andy made the rice and cornbread. I had to give him a pep talk on the whole cornbread making thing because the instructions on the box said to "grease a muffin pan" and he went to pieces because we don't have a muffin pan.
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I told him to pull it together! We are the Cor-Ruts and we DO NOT let small things like muffin pans defeat us! A casserole dish will just have to do!
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While I was outside grilling our pork chops to perfection, I was listening to the musical stylings of Bob Dylan thanks to neighbor Boomhauer and his posse of happy go lucky drunks.
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Our dinner music consisted of Maná with our conversation centered on talks of how big the pork chops were, how I was happy he didn't give up on the cornbread and how we would have leftovers for tomorrow. This is what happens after SEVEN LONG years of marriage.

A meal just tastes better with a side of grilled onions!MMMMMM SO kissable!
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Then he excused himself from kitchen duty and went back to his dungeon. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with my beloved husband.

Thankfully, he doesn't do this often otherwise I'd never get anything done! ;o)

Humor-Blogs, it's what's for dinner.

Happy in marriage happy online. (OR REVERSED)

Oh my gawd you guys!!!

I just noticed one of my arms is darker than the other!

I know what you’re thinking “Big deal it happens to everybody!”

No. Not like this!

One arm looks like I’m Erik Estrada’s long lost sister (in his Ponch days) and the other one looks like I bought it off of Christina Ricci’s stolen appendages store (look for it on Ebay)!

Oh well. Enough melodrama.

I want to thank all of y’all rockin’ readers that voted for me at H-B. You guys are the monkey’s banana-ass!



Also, I feel like a total star cuz I got the FIRST EVER (in the history of H-B) SAD FACE from an asswipe by the name of “Caleb”. That makes me feel like Angelina Jolie’s better looking sister. So, even though Caleb is not his real name, his asshole-ness is real enough. (But I’m not bitter)
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FUCKER!
Moving on.
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I've been complaining to Andy about my laptop being s l o w for a while but he's been so busy saving the world from 3 legged Orcs that my issues have not been his top priority.

I got sick and tired of looking at porn blogs while the freakin' thing dragged so I told him, he fixes it or I leave him. Weirdly, this threat worked! Who knew he'd want me around?

Anyway, Andy and I make up the perfect couple. I'm savvy when it comes to html (sort of) and downloads and up loads and shit loads but he's good at maintaining viruses and spy stuff off our computers.

This was our conversation today:

Andy:
Bee! I want to send you a video, how do I do it?

Bee:
Embed it and email it to me.

Andy:
Wah??

Bee:
Click where it says embed. Hit copy. Open your e-mail. Why are you clicking on my name once and just staring? Either hit create or double click! Okay now type something and then click on the insert hyperlink. No, not there! There! Okay now control V. Okay send.
Easy right?
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Later, when he's diagnosing my laptop.
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Andy:
How many times have you defragglerocked the thrombosis?

Bee:
Dewhat the what now?

Andy:
You've got to dehootermuhfy the dagibagib.

Bee:
You know what? How about you just do it and we be done with it?
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What I'm trying to say is, I am now reading your blogs at the speed of light thanks to my defragglerockzation!

Later chivatos!
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Andy? Can I go to the movies with my sister? It starts at 9pm. Just Nancy and I. No, we're not going to a bar. Just a movie. We're going to see Get Smart. I know it'll let out late and it'll be passed my bedtime but- ... Oh come on! We're not gonna go trolling for dudes! She JUST had a baby and I'm kind of attached to you!
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Hey!

Are you guys still here eavesdropping?? Go home already! (yes, he did *let* me go)

The mystery of the deflated ass cactus. + Weekend at the movies.

Oh my gawd you guys!! Do you remember my butt cactus???

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Now it looks like this:
My ass has deflated!! I don't know how or why, all I know is that my cheeks are droopy! Andy said he knew something was wrong when the little butt bone shriveled.

My weekend was great until this tragedy hit my household. We made an emergency run to the place I bought it but they didn't have any more. How sad for me!

Don't worry about me, I'll keep looking for a replacement...

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Enough about me.

The hubs and I went to see 2 movies this weekend.

We saw Get Smart on Saturday morning and as is our tradition we went to the first show. The place was packed so we were unable to park our butts in the middle seats of the back row. That sucked but what can you do?
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I give the movie 2 drunk bees for Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson and half a drunk bee for making me giggle a little.

Would I recommend that you go see it and pay $10 (we paid $5 because we went to the old fogies show)? Nah, wait for it to come out on video. Unless you're a Rock fan and want to see his beautiful smile. Soooo dreamy...
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Khrm! Anyway.
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On Sunday morning we saw The Hulk. We were able to get the cool seats in the back so all was right with the world. I give this movie 3 drunk bees.

HOWEVER! I only recommend you go see it if you're a comic book fan (or married to one).
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Speaking of comic book fans. All the peeps living in the Chicagoland area, remember that Wizard World is next weekend.

Normally, I would throw myself on the floor while kicking and screaming saying things like "Why?? Why must you torture me so??"
This year? I'm dying to go so I can take pictures of GROWN MEN wearing neon yellow spandex outfits and share them with the world!

But! The one year I want to go and Andy is all "No, I don't think I want to go this year."

Not only is he trying to kill me but he's trying to suck all the joy out of my life! Then he said something about how he refuses to provide me with any more blog fodder.

I might just have to start looking for a replacement Andy soon.

That's all I have for today folks. If you were traumatized by the deflated ass cheeks pictured above, make sure you click on Humor-Blogs so you can get that image out of your head.

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P.S.

Don't ask me for the recipe to deflate butts because I have no idea how it happened.

DEAR GOD ANDY! WHAT NOW???

I’m not gonna say Andy has driving issues. Nope. Those words will not come out of my mouth or er, fingers. I just want to point out that years of me pulling my car into the garage have never resulted in this.
My car is at the bottom of that pile of massacred bins.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, put my car in the garage so as not to back into it AGAIN.
Instead, THAT SOMEBODY, knocked into the tower of bins we have lined up against the wall, rigging them to fall after the garage door closed therefore leaving them for me to find this morning when I was in my usual hurry to get to work.

What?
You say it’s my fault for putting them in the garage in the first place?
Ha! I put them exactly where the husband told me to so neener neener to you!

I had to remove bin guts from my car which caused me to, not only be late for work (well, LATER THAN USUAL), once I got to work I couldn’t remember if I had closed the gawt dang garage door!

I had to get my happy ass back in my car and drive ALL* the way home, just to check on the door that I must’ve closed in the middle of all my mumbling and grumbling without realising because it was closed!

When I called Andy to inform him of the daily obstacles he litters my life's path with, just for shits and giggles, he said I get flustered too easily and I need to get ahold of myself.

Isn't he a sweetie pie? He's just lucky I didn't know where his happy ass was stationed at the moment because I would have driven over there and given him a fluster of fists to the face. Just kidding. maybe.

*Okay, so it was only 10 minutes round trip but those are 10 minutes I will never get back! What if I needed those 10 minutes to do something useful? Like maybe click on Humor-Blogs? Sure, I can find the time somewhere else but then I'd have to put off doing something else. Who will tell the children I can no longer teach them how to read and write? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (I have no idea what that’s about so don’t ask)
Also, if you're thinking I had time to do a post WHILE AT WORK... who asked you?

I survived Friday the 13th! Just barely...

So hey. Guess who you should never ask if they know of any good restaurants.

Guess!

If you said old people the elderly then you're smarter than I gave you credit for because me? I didn't see that one coming!

I had a taste for Caucasian food. Why don't we ever call it that?? When I told Andy I had a taste for Caucasian food, he shook his head and said I shouldn't call it that but I had to point out that we say things like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, Greek food... need I go on? To me, things like roast beef and meatloaf is Caucasian food.
But! I guess I should call it something else since it offends my hubs. Let me know if you think of something that won't make him cry (kidding babe)(maebee).

I innocently asked the ladies at work "Hey, Andy and I want to try a new place for dinner. You guys know of any place around here that's good?"

Unanimously they suggested a place called Gilbert's.

"Oh, it's very good!"

"And economical"

"And they give you tons of food"

"That's right good for 2 meals!"

Well, bless their little souls!

Since we don't like having dinner too late and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, we headed on over to Gilbert's at around 5:00 in Andy's crashmobile (it's fixed again... but for how long??)..

Now, it's been a while since I've watched Seinfeld so I forgot one very IMPORTANT thing. 5:00 o'clock is to older people what 9:00 o'clock is to the rest of us young 'uns!
We walked into the place and the bar area looked like somebody spilled a bag of cotton balls and a package of shiny brown marbles!

Senior citizens EVERYWHERE! But that's okay, I'm sure they won't hurt us, right?
Right??



You see that red arrow? (Sorry, I was trying to take inconspicuous pictures, then I figured they wouldn't know what I was doing but the quality sucks anyway.) That red arrow points at a wall that is hiding ONE MILLION elderly folk. I couldn't tell if they were being held back because the wall discharged electricity if they tried to leave or if they were tied to their chairs.


This beautiful picture is of the menu which they blew up to BILLBOARD size, I'm guessing so people with sight problems would know what to order?



Now for my review of the food.
I know why it is so popular with people with diet restrictions.
THE FOOD IS BLAND! BLAAAAAND!!
I have never had to put so much salt and pepper on anything I've eaten in my life!

Plus, how disturbing is this picture? It looks like the little chicken is taking a nap. I should have ordered the ribs like Andy did.


As for the amount of food for the price, they were right.
It was inexpensive, the portions were ginormous and Andy will be eating that poor little chicken for a few days because I just don't need all that salt now that summer is here. I figure all my water retention will still be there naturally.

AND FOR DESERT!!

Chocolate cake with a layer of cheddar cheese.

Okay, stay with me now.

What would you say.
If I asked you if you wanted a slice of yummy chocolate cake and then put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of it??
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Oh WoW! I’d never heard that word before!

Okay, what would you say if I did that on Thursday and it was the BEST cake I had eaten??

Um, yeah, I don’t call you names so what you just said is uncalled for.

Here’s how it happened.

PD brought in treats for Thursday and these included chocolate cake and little slices of cheese for crackers. I went to have some cheese because we’ve all established that cheese and I have a long loving gastronomical relationship.

Sure, it sometimes makes my stomach talk back to me in the form of lactose intolerance but you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, the cake looked so good I took a tiny little sliver and put a couple of slices of yummy cheddar cheese ON THE SIDE OF MY plate. After I chomped on the cheese, I had a little bite of the cake and the combination of flavors was unbelievable!!

Sooooo… being the experimental person I am, I combined the two and reached a state of taste nirvana they only talk about in dirty movies.

The next time you come over to my house, this is to the 3 of you I trust (the rest of you have threatened me enough to merit me just keeping our acquaintanceship on the interwebisphere), I will serve a plateful of this yummy yum yum cheddar cheesy cake just for YOU.

And don’t try making excuses not to come to my house cuz I will go to your house, hide in the bushes and make you try a piece.

But, enough about me.

Kidding.

I still need you to click on Humor-Blogs for me since I'm sliiiiiiding! Thanks!

P.S.

AMAZON SUCKS ASS! Not The Amazon, Amazon the book ordering place. I hate them. I've been waiting for a book I bought (Driving Sideways by Jess Riley) because Suzy threatend to beat me if I didn't buy it and I'm still waiting! I blame Suzy.

What is the dealio with the absence of drier #13???

Superstitious much?

Also? Andy said he ENJOYED going to The Mat!

The un-airconditioned Mat!!

People call me the crazy one in the relationship but I think they need to reevaluate some shit here!

Bee and the Giant Average Sized Roma Tomato

On Sunday afternoon, I made Andy and myself some nice grilled cheese sandwiches. Because I love my hubba-bubba SO much, I also added a couple of slices of tomatoes on our delectable sandwiches and sprinkled them lovingly with a little bit of garlic salt. Oh my were they dee-lish!

Later that afternoon, Andy was supposed to make a beef roast on the grill. He had already seasoned it and left it marinating for a couple of hours but he claimed he was feeling ill and unable to cook our dinner.

Being the dutiful little wife, I complained yelled rolled my eyes let him know I would cook dinner AGAIN and he could continue playing his Wacky Wizard Troll game.
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My poor husband complained about violent stomach pains and explosive diarrhea number two and even though I believed him, I couldn’t help but wonder how he could feel better just in time for dinner. I mean, a reasonable mind would assume that a person who had been ill just ONE HOUR AGO wouldn’t even want to think about food, right?
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But!

Since I’m such a FORGIVING person by nature, I let bygones be bygones and didn’t harass him (much).
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Then this morning, I woke up to my radio news guy telling me to BEWARE OF TOMATOES!!!
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oh oh.
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I think I let my man down… :o{

Maybe we should keep this little secret between us, yes?

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You know what's not a secret? Me asking you to click on Humor-Blogs for me. I whore it up on every post.

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P.S.

Don't worry, Andy's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine.

I'm still debating if I should slice the rest of the tomatoes up and add them to the pizza I'm going to make for dinner. Along with slices of fresh mozzarella and more garlic salt.

mmmmmmm salmonella!

Thunderstorms and the fearless dog,

Have I ever talked about Tazz here on this blogus?? Yes?

Okay, then you know he is a little monster when it comes to people. He would sooner make your eyes into appetizers than lick you. HE is my secret weapon against all earthly evils and I love his ferocious little psychoness. We are, after all, very similar in personalities.

But!

Just like I have some weaknesses-eses, so does he. He is terrified of Fourth of July and thunderstorms. He doesn’t fear the Fourth of July because he’s unhappy we liberated ourselves from those crazy British people who don’t think I’m a lady, no, he hates the fireworks and the loud BANG!s.

A couple of years ago, I put him and Mocha out so they could do their business doggy style (and by doggy style, I mean pee/poop in the great wild yonder, NOT the other kind). When I went to go get them 2 minutes later, only Mocha sat by our back porch stoop looking sad and forlorn (or maybe she was gassy, you can’t really tell with her). I called out for Tazz but there was no response. (yes, he responds, usually by either running to the back porch stoop if he's done or by running out, ears flapping, looking at me, then running back to whatever he's doing, this is his way of telling me he's not done)

Since it was about 9:30 pm, our backyard was pitch black. I went inside to get a flashlight to see if he was under one of the pine trees or hiding behind the garage. No way could he have gotten out because our fence is solid wood with no slabs he could go through.

That’s when I saw it. The huge hole he dug IN TWO MINUTES to exit his torturous life of dog treats, ear scratches, SHELTER, and appreciation for his biting style. That’s how the ingrate repaid us, he escaped! To further prove to us how smart he can be, he dug the hole under the fence that's in our side yard thereby giving immediate access to freedom. Any other place he would have ended up in one of our neighbors yards.

I rang the alarm and had all our peeps looking for him. I was terrified since we live ONE block away from a forest preserve WITH A RIVER. Not just any river, a river that joins others into making the Illinois River which in turn is a tributary of the great old M-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye (Mississippi) which in turn yadda yadda Gulf of Mexico.
I was picturing my little Tazzy wazzy surfacing, eating a couple of fisherman, then being hunted by a tribe of Nahuas.

Luckily, he was found by Wilson’s daughter. The dog was in such shock, she was carrying him with her arms still intact!

Uh, anyway! See what you do just by asking me why he feared the Fourth of July??

To make a long story, LONGER, last night we had thunderstorms the likes we hadn’t seen since… Saturday. They came at a most inconvenient time, bedtime.

I was tired so I went to bed at 10, you know, before my mandatory bedtime of 10:30 and for TWO HOURS Tazz was in his kennel trying to dig another tunnel to freedom. Throughout those 2 hours, this is what you heard if you were sitting outside our bedroom window (we’ll come back to WHY you were sitting outside my bedroom window later):

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!! (my interpretation of thunder)

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Bee:
TAAAAAZZ!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!
scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Andy:
TAZZ YOU FUCKING IGNORANT DOUCHE!! SHUT UP!!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

Bee:
OMG!! TAAAZZ! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUTSIDE IN THAT ‘EFFING KENNEL AND TURN YOU UPSIDE DOWN!!

Andy:
No, he’d drown if you turned him upside down.

Bee:
I wasn’t really going to take him outside Andy, I can barely lift that freakin’ kennel ever since I was diagnosed with Rusty-old-shoulder syndrome. I was hoping my threat would scare him enough to shut up.

Andy:
I think it worked since he stopped-

KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!!

SCRATCH SCRATCH DOG HOWLING HAOOOOO MEWHOOOOO

Bee and Andy:
TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got up to threaten his little ass face to face and was shocked to find his kennel was halfway to the front door! I dragged his kennel and put it in the darkest place of the house, Andy's dungeon. I put him under Andy's desk with his chair blocking him from trying to escape again.

If you think that was very cruel of me, shows how much YOU know! That son of bitch finally fell asleep!

Where was Mocha?, you ask. Well, she was sleeping soundly already being used to all the loud barking from Tazz, Andy and myself.



If you click on Humor-Blogs for me, you will accomplish 2 things.
1) You'll keep the boogey man away.
2) You'll keep me in the middle of the ranks.

And the hidden bonus third thing, you'll feel better about yourself for having made me a happier person.

That hamster did NOT just come out of there! Did it?

So...

I know I promised you guys a hilarious post about do it yourself home security but you'll just have to be disappointed. Let this be your lesson on how you don't always get what you want! ;o)

Anyway, instead I'd like you to be witness to another conversation between two people who have been married way too long (7 LONG YEARS!!)

The other night, Andy and I were getting ready for bed when he shocked the hell outta me with the following question:

Andy:
Bee, do you want to read my comic book about a hero who comes back to life to look for his rectal hamster?

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Now, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm not really used to hearing sentences like that right before I go to sleep. Over lunch, maybe, but not right before going to sleep.
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Being the lady that I am:
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Bee:
What the hell are you talking about now???
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He then told me about a comic book called "The boys".
A comic book that spoofs superheros and there is this one story line where one of them kills another hero.
After the hero dies, a hamster comes out of his butt and the one that's alive takes him and keeps him as his ::gag:: pet ::blech!::.

This left me pondering 2 things.

1) What the hell happened to Little Lulu and Archie??? Now they have comics that show pantless hero zombies looking for their rectal hamsters???? Is this how comic books evolved?? Will I ever be able to remove the nail polish I spilt on the vanity sink?

The Boys

2) Have Andy and I exhausted all other topics of conversations that we are now doomed to live in the comic book world???

Noooo! Please no! Somebody throw me a civilized topic over here!

That's all for today folks!

Well, one more thing. Can you please click on Humor-Blogs for me so that I can stay between 15 and 20. I'm easy to please, middle is just fine by me (that's what she said!)! :o)

OF BUMPER CARS AND LIME GREEN BRAS

Do you ever have times in your life where you just keep getting shit on? And not just ordinary shit like bird shit or dog shit. No, no no! You are lucky enough to have an Elephant shit on you. After it had been constipated for a week. That's how our life has been lately.

On Tuesday Andy and I went to the Laundromat again.
We learned a few things from our first time at the Mat. One of ‘em being leave right after work so that we don’t get home at 9:30.

Andy being Andy, as soon as I walked into the house that fateful Tuesday, I was scolded because he couldn’t get into the garage (I had locked it so no one would steal the picture of the naked chick hanging on the wall and I have the only key)(since I'm the only one taht puts her car in there), I was scolded because I didn’t park in the garage, I was scolded because rainbows and butterflies follow my every move. When I decided to throw one of my rainbows in his direction, like a KILLER boomerang, he didn’t like it so much so was all "let’s go NOW!" uh, I had to pee but okay.

Now, the reason I didn’t park in the garage was because neighbor Boomhauer’s friend’s car and Andy’s were blocking my way. I left my car on the down part of our driveway and figured I’d put it in the garage when we got home from the Laundromat. The other car had been moved since then but I thought I’d leave mine out anyway to scare potential burglars into thinking there was a really cool dangerous chick at home watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

We get into Andy’s car to make our trek to the Mat but something got in our way. Something big and blue. Something I like to refer to as my Mini Tank. Something BIGGER THAN A BREAD BOX!



Guess who he blamed?

If you said "He blamed you” DING DING DING!! You are now the proud owner of a pat on the back.

Here is my alibi:

Andy was in the driver’s seat of his car.

I was in the PASSENGER seat of his car.

Therefore… ergo… nuh-uh!! No way was it my fault!

Unless of course I have a remote control device and made my car MOVE FORWARD.
WITH NOBODY INSIDE IT!
While sitting on the PASSENGER’S side.
Of Andy’s car.
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

Fuckin' Toyota piece of shit car! It's only 2 years old and has needed car surgery 3 times before this for the bumper! If this stinkin' piece of crap were a horse, it'd be glue by now!!! (The other 3 times weren't Andy's fault. People hit him. Bad Karma man!)

Let me lay out my case for you.

This is our driveway:


That's Andy's car and mine is behind it on the down part of the driveway. Do you see all the space he had to maneuver around me??

For evidence in my defense, I’d like to admit the following.

The perp has a prior conviction for driving while under the assumption that all big stationary objects will magically disappear/move/lift-themselves-on-their-tippy-toes to get out of his way. 4 years ago, he backed into our house.

Our house is as big as a… well, HOUSE!



I rest my case honorable readers. I know there is no way you will take his side. Well, you CAN but then I'd have to hunt you down and let Mocha kill you with her bad doggy breath.

My Mini Tank? NO DENTS NO SCRATCHES NO SHIT!! Screw the Hummers man! Get yourselves a Hyundai Sonata!

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll meet more people who like to move out of the way on their tippy toes. You'll also make the elephant shit less smelly.


P.S.
If you're ever in the car with Andy, WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! And maybe a crash helmet. You should bring some pillows too. Or bubble wrap. Also, don't buy a Toyota. Their bumpers OBVIOUSLY collapse if you look at them funny!


P.P.S.



If you're wondering about the Lime Green Bra. I just thought it was funny how all my clothes were drying. You could see dark brown, dark blue, dark red, black and then one Lime Green Bra shoving itself towards the glass door of the dryer. I was going to take a picture but Andy kabashed the idea.

And I quote "The fuck? Are you nuts?? That is TMI even for you!" I agreed only because he had just had a traumatic experience, you know, my car rearing up on its hind tires then attacking him and all.

It'd be my pleasure to make your nose bleed. Just try not to get it on my shoes.

Alright already! I'm back! Stop with the abusive/threatening e-mails! ;op

I had a nice long weekend and I'm feeling a little bitter about going back to work.
I was this close [picture my index finger and thumb almost touching] to walking out of the Asylum on Friday. But, whatever. Let us not dwell on the assholeyness of all the people who inhabit my work world.

Let's see... what happened this weekend?
Oh yeah! I had a volley game with a moth. I got out of the shower and reached for my towel only to have a moth fly at me! I swatted it but it ricocheted off the door and came back at me. I spiked it but after its dive, it spun and then headed for me again! Was this moth on a suicidal mission? I think so! Hey! I would have left it alone if it would have flown in an opposite direction but it started it! What's up with bugs trying to show me who's boss?? I felt ridiculous so I thought I'd share.
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Anyway, we went to the Chicago Botanic Gardens on Saturday and the day couldn't have been better! I could show you picture after picture of the beautiful views but I'll just show you a few and let you imagine what my paradise looks like. I can't explain the sense of peace that engulfs me as soon as we near the outskirts of The Gardens.

Andy and Natalia at the bottom of the waterfalls. This picture cracks me up because you can't tell where I'm standing when I took the picture. Is he looking at me or is she???
Do you remember this picture from last year? No? Probably only Brian will remember. Here is Natalia using her lungs just like Tio Andy.

Don't they look cute? Even if one of them acts like a 5 year old and is a pain in the ass, I think I'll still keep him. ;o)

As always, after hours of walking amongst beautiful flowers and plants I'd like to smuggle in Andy's pockets, my scalp and nose? Sunburned!
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On a marital note:

We were supposed to see the new Indie film this weekend but Andy decided to throw a Cheetos-like tantrum so we didn't go. I guess that punished us both.

On a books I've read in one day note:

Speaking of Cheetos, I finished reading a book this weekend were they were featured prominently. It's called The Host by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight Series fame. I loved the story but the writing still seems like it's aimed at prepubescent teens. I'm not saying it's a bad thing so don't get all huffy with me, m'kay?
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On a weather note:

I think mother nature has finally decided to make it spring and stopped playing the "ha! I was just kidding here's winter again!" game.

AND LASTLY!!

On a movie you cannot miss note:

We watched Across the Universe recommended by my hippie brother Rick and you know what? It was awesome!! I'm going to buy the soundtrack after work tomorrow (if my shoes aren't too bloody) because the the actors' (and some surprise cameos) interpretations of songs I've listened to since I was able to understand what music was, were so unbelievably radicus that it's going into my iPod labeled as 'Crappy Mood Slayer'. Bono sang my coo coo ka choo song. If you see that movie, you'll not what that means.

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You can slay your crappy mood by clicking on Humor-Blogs and checking out the talent.

So... as Scarlett said "Tomorrow is another day and I'm wearing my new fuckin shoes so it better be a good day or I'll have to wash the blood out of them once I kick somebody in the face!"* Peace be with you.

*she didn't really say all that but I'm thinking she would have if the censor people didn't have sticks up their asses.

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P.S.

I just saved Andy from a vicious June Bug! His words to me, "My Hero!"

The whole time we were there, I was singing ♪♫"At the carwash"♪♫.

So...

A million years ago, when I was still a slave to the family, my sister and I used to wake up every Sunday morning at 5:30 and take 7 people worth of laundry to THE DREADED LAUNDROMAT! We'd get there before its 6 AM opening and be the first people thru the door. The owner guy knew us since we'd spend 4 hours sweating from the heat of the dryers and gagging at the overpowering smell of fabric sheets. He'd have coffee ready for us and sometimes bring donuts.
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Sis and I had many bonding moments over the tide/bleach/downey and the crazy women who would battle us for the dryers. Guess who always won? ;o)
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When we finally moved out of the apartment and bought a house, we also bought a washer/dryer. No more laundromat for us! Each person was in charge of their own clothes so thus ended our servitude or slavitude if you will. Then I got married and lived happily ever aft-...
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Alas, my idyllic happy ending was not meant to last forever!!!
Our freakin' piece of crap washer decided to be a butthole and break! ::sigh::

We have 2 options:
-Replace it which would mean replacing the dryer so that they can match.
OR
-Have it fixed.
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While we ponder, we decided to also hold a social/economical experiment.
We will see how much money we save on our water bill and electricity WHILST (<-as Brian would say) getting material for the blogus by interacting with other humans.
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Sadly, the place was empty.

Nobody to make fun of but ourselves. I had no choice really.
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Bee:
Andy, trust the pro. If I say all your clothes fits in that buck 75 machine, then it fits!
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Andy:
Okay. EXPERT. Then you fit my clothes in there.
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[I did so awesomely! I wonder if I can put that on my resume...]
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Bee:
Is that all the soap you're gonna put in there?? I want my clothes clean! Not smelling like wet crappy laundromat!!
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Andy:
It's concentrated detergent! You don't need more than half a cap full!

[I see this will be our major battle. I'll just have to sneak more soap in the machine when he's not looking.]
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Bee:
Do you think I'm faking it?? Do you think I would lie to you and say my clothes are still wet just so that I could steal a quarter? Give me the freakin' quarter!
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[Seriously?? I think I know when clothes are dry!]
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Andy:
I don't care if you don't want to go see Narnia! You're coming with me because you signed a contract to honor, love and support all my crappy movie choices! ... I'll buy you nachos.
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[That doesn't have anything to do with laundry but it did take place at The Mat.]
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We have given ourselves a month to decide what to do on the replacing/fixing the washer. Luckily, because of my Mantra 'Where do you want the shit to hit you?' things like this do not perturb my coolness.
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Here's a coinky dink. Tracy's washer broke too AND she had to go to the laundromat! Weird.
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For those of you doubting Thomases and Thomasinas, here is a picture of my dark dark house at Eight AM.

Would you be able to pick out a dark brown shoe from a black one?

Hey Hey! Before you go, please click on Humor-Blogs!

I find your desire to kill ME extremely annoying.

I think Andy is trying to kill me!!!

Are you done clapping? No? Okay, I'll give you a couple more minutes... ... ...

Done? Okay. Let's move on shall we?

I really do think he's trying to kill me!

Here was my first clue:

Andy:
Bee, I think I'm going to try changing the oil in you car myself.

Bee:
Why? Jiffy Lube* always does a great job!

Andy:
Don't worry, it's just oil.

Bee: [a frown creasing my smooth brow]
'Kay.

THEN!! CLUE #2

Andy:
Bee, I might as well rotate your tires too. All I have to do is move the front ones to the back, back ones to the front.

Bee:
Uhmmm... I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, what if you miss a couple of lug nuts? You might send my car spinning into the river. When I hit a pothole. While I'm doin' 65 in a 45.

Andy:
Nah, you'll be okay. The river isn't so deep around that area.

Bee: [GENUINE FEAR IN MY EYES]
Can you ask my brother to help you?

CLUE NUMERO TRES!

Andy:
I was thinking I should try changing your brakes too.

Bee: [running to hide my car keys]
No! No no no. Now you've gone to far! You've lost your mind! No.

Andy:
It's no big deal! I talked to some guys that said all you have to do is change the whatsit pads blah blah look like an accident blah blah.

Bee:
Andy? Haven't I been the perfect wife? Haven't I encouraged you in every way possible? We've had some good times, right? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?? Won't you miss my constant mocking?

Andy: [scratching his head]
Are you serious or just overreacting?

Bee:
What about when the dogs attack you? Who will save you if I'm ashes are on your night stand?? [I've decided that's where I want to be]

Andy:
Bee! I'm changing the oil, rotating, the tires and changing your brakes. Nothing will happen to you because I obviously pissed off some deity at one time so our lives will be intertwined until the day I DIE!

I have to admit, that was a very compelling argument!
... Still, if you don't hear from me again, maybe you should call the police?



*Jiffy Lube? Seriously?? who came up with that name? K-Y? Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs we'll get some answer!
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P.S.
I just saw a picture of Burt Reynolds nahhked(from the 70's I think)!! Was his father a gorrilla?? Uh... I meant because he's hairy.

It ain't easy being cheesy!

So...
On Saturday Andy and I went to my in-laws campground to hang out with them for a little bit and celebrate Mother's Day.
While we were chillin', talking about camper stuff, The Cheeto Story came up in the conversation.

Both Andy and I disagree as to who is at fault so I told my beloved hubba-bubba I would post the story and let you, MY friends decide.

Pull up a chair, sofa or toilet and let me take you back to November 1998, 3 days before Thanksgiving. (I was thin back then)
We had only been dating for about 5 months and I was going to meet him at his house after work where he was going to make me a sandwich and then we were going to play pool in his parent's basement.

I arrived at his house and he lightly toasted the bread for my sandwich, put some ham and Munster cheese on it with extra mustard. MMMM.

Young thin Bee:
Are you gonna have one?

Andy:
No, I'm not hungry. I'll just have a bag of chips.
[opens the cabinet, looks in the variety box of chips and swears]
What the hell! All that's left is Cheetos!! I HATE CHEETOS!

Bee:
Why? They're good, nice and cheesy. It ain't easy being cheesy you know!

Andy:
This really pisses me off! Nobody likes the damn Cheetos so they're always left over!

Bee: [not surprised at this outburst since he and I had been friends before we started dating]
You should tell your mom not to buy that variety pack.

Andy:
Whatever. [he opens a bag and starts eating the Cheetos]

Bee:
Can I have one?

Andy flicks the bag over to me, I take ONE and give the bag back.
I then finish my sandwich and we go downstairs to play pool.
I suck at pool but I was doing okay knocking all the stripey balls all over the place and then shoving them in the hole with my hands when he wasn't looking.
I noticed Andy was extremely quiet.

Bee:
Wzup? You okay?

Andy: [curtly]
Yeah.

Oooooookkaaay?? I kept trying to make small talk but nothing was working. I even tried a comic book question and was rejected! I'm standing there racking my brain, replaying everything that had happened...
Then, my 6 brain cells came to one conclusion. No, it couldn't be!

Bee:
Did you get mad because I asked for a Cheeto?

Andy: [EXPLODES!]
You know Bee, that was all I was going to eat! You had a sandwich and I was just having a crappy bag of Cheetos!

Bee;
I asked for ONE! I didn't know you were going to be so pissy about it!

Andy:
Even my friends know not to ask me for any of my food!

Bee:
Andy! I'm not your friend, I'm your girlfriend!

At this point I was wondering where my life had taking a turn into Tantrumville.

Andy:
I DON'T LIKE SHARING MY FOOD!

Bee: [calmly putting pool stick on the pool table]
You know what dude? Call me when you grow up!

I exited stage left!

That's not me but when I saw this picture...

Here is what our disagreement is YEARS later.

I say he was overreacting over ONE FUCKIN' CHEETO and he says I was being unreasonable for asking him for a Cheeto when that was all he was going to eat.

Now remember, HE HATES CHEETOS and THERE WERE ABOUT 6 OTHER BAGS IN THE BOX.

Don't worry you guys, everything worked out in the end. Andy's dad told him to put his head on straight and my mom told me she'd buy him a big bag of Cheetos.

For the record, I love Cheetos and not just because of Chester Cheetah... although he is pretty cool.

I've never understood the not sharing food thing. Probably because I always wind up sharing whatever I order since I never finish it.

Andy outgrew his non-sharing ways and sometimes will force me to try something from his plate without me asking.

Let us know who you think is right. I have to warn you though, if you don't agree with me, I'll have to delete your comment. Just kidding!

Maybe.

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll get a free bag of Cheetos.

P.S.

Watching House is making me a hypochondriac. Now I think I have a brain tumor and liver failure!

The joys of adult childhood.

Further proof that:

A) Andy and I should never be in charge of children
B) We are way way cool
C) We cannot be left unsupervised

Hopefully, when my mom comes back, our house will still be in one piece. Let me tell ya' why.

We had some left over branches from last year that we decided to burn. We finished our gardening duties and settled in for a nice little bonfire.
The majority of the branches were pine so we couldn't burn 'em in our indoor fireplace because of the butaniumfosoforitisnium in pine.

Okay, I don't know what the chemical is called but they strongly suggest you never ever burn pine in your fireplace because it may cause your house to explode.

For those of you who might not know, pine is HIGHLY combustible.



That flame was 7 feet high with just a couple of branches MEER INCHES FROM OUR GINORMOUS PINE TREE!

Don't worry, we survived. Sort of.

Then this awesome convo happened:

Andy:
Stop harassing me or I'll throw your decorative wicker ball in the fire.
Bee:
Oh please! You won't do it!

Andy:
I'll do it!

Bee:
Yeah right!

Andy:
I'm not kidding! I'll do it!

[holds ball over fire]

Bee:
So do it! I dare you!

Andy:
I will! I'm serious!

Bee:
Then do it!

Andy:
I will and you'll be pissed!

Bee:
OH MY GOD I JUST WENT THRU MENOPAUSE! DO IT ALREADY!

So he did. And I laughed.

Then we made fun of my new butt cactus:




If you are, at this very minute, shaking your head thinking we are 'like sooo immature!' you're just jealous cuz we have, like, no responsibilities and stuff!


Sure, we have the mortgage and uh... other bills but... yeah, that's about it.


We can go wherever we want (as long as it's early and we're home before 7:00) (Seven PM). We can do whatever we want like watch stuff burn and not clean up the ashes for at least 2 days. Vacation anywhere in the world that doesn't involve traveling for more than 2 hours and one day we will!

We are so cool! ;op

You know, I never realized how much I depend on my left arm. Since I'm right handed, I just thought 'Phew! At least it wasn't my right shoulder!' But I didn't take into consideration all the other things I do around the house that require BOTH ARMS!

Sweeping? Ouch! Holding myself up while scrubbing my 500 gallon jacuzzi tub so I don't fall in? SUPER OUCH!!

Do you guys think my health insurance would cover a male maid? They'll pay for a nurse so I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.
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If you want to be cool like us, please click on Humor-Blogs.

I am going to have X-Ray screens following me wherever I go so people can see the inner, skinny, Bee.

Soooooooo...
I've been having shoulder pain the last couple of months. Being the complete bad ass I am, I kept thinking pain shmain! I blamed the Teaspoon/Tablespoon position or ANDY for not letting me sleep in the comfort I deserve by restricting my movements.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore. The pain felt as if gorillas were playing tug of war with my arm. Yeah, it was THAT BAD! I let The Bats talk me into making an appointment with the older semi-retired Orthopaedist in our office.
First he ordered the X-Rays and these were the very important questions I asked while in the darkroom with Scarecrow:
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*Does the X-Ray machine make me look fat?
*Will this thing cook my eggs?
*Can you see my eggs?
*Do they look like colorful Easter eggs?
*Can you see if my inner child was eaten by my inner bitch giving birth to the demi-goddess I am now?
*What part of that didn't you understand?
*Can you see the remnants of what I ate yesterday?
*Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom?
*So what if you're just x-raying my arm?
*How many fingers am I holding up?
*Are you sure it's not the middle finger?
*Can it see thru my fat?
*Is my funny bone still there?
*Does it look like a banana?
*Is my problem caused by teaspooning?
*Is that thing focusing on my boob?
*What do you mean I'm the worst patient you ever had?

This is the thing that took my picture