Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I smelled damn good on Monday! (If I do say so myself.)

-Day 43. A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.- Carl Reiner

So...

I’m boycotting showers, baths and all things related to water touching my skin. Well, I might still wash my hands since I’m not a complete savage.

If I can keep my natural oils, there's a strong possibility I'll make it thru the winter! I might not have a husband, family and friends at the end of this but we all have to make sacrifices in this life.

My skin is looking like a weird science experiment with a human(ish) person as the guinea pig. The test is “How many days can the subject live with dry and cracked skin without bleeding to death?” so far it’s been 88 days. I’m hoping we thaw before I hit 100 because there’s only so much scraping I can take. Hope you’re having breakfast!

I want to pass a law prohibiting Mother Nature from making us endure so many consecutive ice cold days. She should have a quota of about 20 days per year with the agreement that she can’t use them all one right after the other.

I know what your thinking, "another campaign, Bee?"
Short answer 'Yes', long answer 'So?'

Every single part of my body itches because of my dry skin. My ears look like I could be Prince Charles' twin because I keep rubbing them (I can't scratch my ears, they're delicate little flowers --in the form of Venus Fly Traps at the moment--)!

Since I'm a woman of action, I decided to start this campaign Against Mother Nature's Torture of Mortals by Consecutive Cold Days.


It's not like I'm asking for NO cold days just not that many in a row. I don't want to feel like I'm living in freakin' Siberia! (Not that there's anything wrong with living in Siberia)

"What's in it for me?" you ask. (Damn! You ask way too many questions!)

Well, the fact that I won't be bitching and moaning about how cold I am should be incentive enough for you to join my campaign.


Is it too much to ask? DON'T answer that.

Quick Milton Snippet:

Last week she was Kitchen Marm (KM). I've told you guys about her weird habit of eating
expired foods (and the follow up cracker story). Well, this chick(en?), hen?, tried to poison us last week by bringing in a Folgers coffee with an expiration date of, hold on to your pants (both trousers and unders)... January of 2006!!!!!!!!

JANUARY OF TWO THOUSAND AND SIX!!


Why? Why would she bring it in if there is a whole shelf full of nice fresh coffee in the stock room! We didn't find out until Thursday. She was late so somebody else made the coffee and made the gruesome discovery.


Before you say something about it being a selling date and not meaning anything, I will drink milk that's a couple of days past it's expiration date, after I smell it first, no big deal but that is MY decision. For her to bring in 2 year old expired crap and not tell us about it makes her all kinds of stupid!


Admittedly, I couldn't tell it was rancid coffee but I attribute that to the fact that the coffee in this office is already strong enough to make men of women (by that I mean hairy) (not that there's anything wrong with hairy women, they're just not my thaang).

Back to the rant, who is this woman? I have never met anyone who had SO many peculiarities in my life! And I've met some doozies, people!


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To join my AMNTMCCD campaign click on humor-blogs.

I got this coolio award from NCS. Gracias! Now, I'm passing the torch to Tracy. And Brian if he wants it but I know he'll say something about clutter cuz he's a dude.

28 comments:

  1. What happened to "global warming"???

    For you to have fewer brass monkey days, the rest of us would have to have more. Whilst of course I'd be willing in principle to have a few, instead of, er, NONE (I'm NOT gloating at this point, you understand), nevertheless this wouldn't give you the chance to be courageous and selfless and suffer so that we don't have to. It's character-building...

    Anyway, look on the bright side. Siberia's colder. This year it was something like -55 Celcius. That's cold. They probably can't even make 2 year old coffee to keep warm, as electrical appliances don't work (even when they've not got a power blackout).

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  2. you should use this new invention called lotion.
    I once bought eggs for 25 cents, they expired that day, I thought it was a good deal since we were going to eat them for breakfast, the wife however actually vomited, when I told her about my good deal she wasn't happy.
    When I retire I'm moving.

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  3. Dear Bee,
    I don't know if I'll need to sing a petition or vote but sign me up for the campaign because I'm sick of the cold and dry skin too! But
    I want you to know that I'm certainly not signing up so that you'll stop bitching because I actually enjoy that part.
    For the award..I wish I had prepared an acceptance speech. It was so unexpected. All I can say is "Thank you, thank you, thank you. You like me! You really like me!" I will display it with pride.
    And where in the world does Brian live where he doesn't have any cold days????
    And the expired coffee was gross!
    Love,
    Tracy

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  4. It will probably snow here on Easter, again. But it isn't very cold, it is very dry.

    try something called aquafer for dry skin available at Walmart

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  5. does Milton have children? grand children?

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  6. Brian:
    You have to take one for the team!
    I don't know what -55 C is in American English.
    I get the message, I'll send over a thermos with 2 year old coffee right away!

    Dan:
    Thanks Einstein! Why didn't I think of that??
    The lotion isn't working. My skin is so dry it's absorbing it before I even slather it on.

    Tracy:
    I know I shouldn't complain in your presence since you guys get more ice and snow than we do.
    You totally deserve the award for making me laugh.

    jean knee:
    See, I was going to go visit you on Easter but now I'll just stay put.

    Milton has a son and a daughter. They're in their mid 20s so I'm sure they know how weird she is.

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  7. Humidifier. As soon as we turn the heat on, I get out the humidifier. I don't have skin issues, but my sinuses wind up looking like your picture without it. Maybe the solution is chemical- water in a non-liquid state. Good job on posting!

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  8. Will you finally be willing to get a decent winter coat now that it’s freaking cold, huh???? You are probably going to have to put more lotion on, lay it down thick that’s what I have to do.

    What is wrong with that crazy bat??? Like seriously??? Why would she think it’s ok to give you guys 25 year old coffee?? That’s just wrong… You should have faked getting sick or some sort of allergy or something and blamed it on her. I bet you all the bats would have followed along, you know how simple minded creatures tend to follow suit.

    Unfortunately for Milton’s kids, they grew up with this so they must think it’s normal…

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  9. I love campaign Bee. Would you be campaigning along any celebrities? Would you go camping during this campaign? Campaigning campaigns? Campaigners campaigning on campaigns? campaignees and campaigners campaignering on campaigns campaigning?

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  10. For dry sking.
    Take a whole tub of vaseline and spread on your hands. Don't wash it for a few weeks.
    To prevent leaving vaseline streaks, just wrap your hands on a couple of grocery plastic bagsm secured with good knots.

    you are so very welcome.

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  11. FYI: sking = skin

    Works the same for sking except you need to add 2-year old folgers coffee, but I wanted to point out the difference

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  12. Mother Nature's sister-in-lawFebruary 12, 2008 at 11:51 AM

    I approve!

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  13. Fanrenheit = Centigrade x 9/5 + 32

    So -55C = -67F = Rather chilly.

    Trivia: -40C = -40F

    Tracy:

    We have cold days here in the central UK, but they're not that cold. Our warm days aren't that warm either. On the handful of days we get snow, the rain washes it away ;-)

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  14. Against dunking ducksFebruary 12, 2008 at 12:05 PM

    We approve!

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  15. it puts the lotion in the basket !!

    Are you outside more then from your house to your car
    your car to your job
    your job to your car
    and you car to your job ?

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  16. that aquafer stuff is the only thing Bee. trust me

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  17. The other day, I'm in the breakroom at work, slathering on another layer of vaseliney goodness. Dude sitting at the table says to me "So, looks like you nude some lubrication...heh.

    Just like that. Gross like. It was then and there I discovered the urge to vomit takes your mind off dry skin.

    But just for a minute.

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  18. Dear Bee-
    I'm always happy to make you laugh. You do the same for me. I keep meaning to tell you that I like the new look of your place here. The picture at the top is be-U-tee-full!

    Dan- I can't believe you just did that quote! For years I've said to boyfriends and my husband (but not both at the same time) "It puts the lotion on it's skin" and they all thought I was a nutjob!

    Brian- Can I come for a visit? I'll leave the monkeys at home and make little noise. And if I can come, can I bring Bee?

    Love
    Tracy

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  19. That Laffy Taffy Award? The girl who lives behind my house made that. I was her Subeams teacher at church when she was only 3. I'm so very proud of her.

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  20. BEE!!!

    Skin Malady Sisters UNITE!!!!!

    I've gotten out of washing dishes for years now because my fingers crack when it's too cold or they're submerged for too long. They split open and bleed and causes me a considerable amount of pain every time I move them.

    My Mexi-SIL, ROcio has the exact same issue. We are two non-dish cleaning princesses! We chat with each other after family dinners while our minions do the "little people" work.

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  21. My mom donated some stuff for our church food drive. I thought that was pretty cool of her since she's not a member or anything. So I start to sort through it. Holy frickin flying fizz on a fart cake!

    She donated Currant Jelly dated April 1990!!!! First off, who eats crappy Currant Jelly? Secondly, I kept showing my girls and telling them that the jelly pre-dated their very existence by 5-6 years. It was antique jelly!

    I don't think no one was ready to funk that jelly. It was in no way bootylicious.

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  22. Frogster:
    We have one but Andy doesn't like the smell. He'd rather I leave pieces of my skin everywhere.

    Nancy:
    I have a decent coat. Well, it's more like a sweater but that's all I need.
    She is a crazy one.

    NCS:
    Camping campaigning. Interesting! Thanks for the vaseline thing. I do that for my face and hands but my back and legs have no hope.

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  23. Brian:
    Thanks! ;o)

    Dan:
    I was thinking of that exact thing when you brought up lotion!

    jean knee:
    Okay, I'll try it. WIll come with me to Wallyworld? It scares me.

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  24. FADKOG:
    Look on the bright side, once you sue their ass for sexual harassment you can move to sunny anywhere with the money they pay you.

    Tracy:
    RE: Picture on top.
    Thanks! Andy said it looked like the chick was peeing... ???

    EWBL:
    I knew it! We must be twins!

    Jelly: BWAHAHAHA!

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  25. tracy
    It's one of my favorite movies. That dude was crazy, who can forget mangina.
    B just put a 2 inch layer on your skin and leave it the whole day.

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  26. HEY! stop eatin Lean Cuisine while bats hover in the distance!

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.