We've been interviewing all week for the ever elusive perfect assistant. Normally there's a ton of college kids or some seniors in high school applying but this year, it's been a little sad.
Almost all applicants have been women in their 40s or late 50s and way overqualified. The position clearly states it's a part time job that will last about 6 weeks and pays close to nothing.
People have been so desperate that they tell me they'll take anything and hopefully, once OZ sees what a great job they do, he'll keep them.
I know you think my heart is made of black stone but I feel horrible when I have to gently tell them he is an asshole of momentous proportions and is only letting me hire someone because I threatened to make him speak to all the attorneys.
His expectations for a six week period are ridiculous and I might be able to change his mind (I do have unbelievable powers of persuasion, if I want something I get it! Even if I have to put it on lay-away and just admire it from afar until it's mine. I don't know what that means) but I don't want to get their hopes up.
HOW FREAKIN DEPRESSING! FUCKING ECONOMY!
Okay, in order to stay sane and not cry in my cheerios, take a peek at the few nutters we got.
Candidate #7 Maxine:
I don't have any issues with Maxine since I probably will become her (one day in the very near future) but I really don't like the idea of working with another crabby old lady. Also, if you're going to an interview? How about you BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES? Is that too much to ask?
She wouldn't look me in the eye (or eyes because I do have two) and I caught her mumbling a couple of times. She got my blood pressure going and she wasn't even a part of The Bat Gang! Yet.
Candidate #9 Young High School Senior Overachiever:
He was a nice kid and I'm sure he would have been a great addition to Team Bee but he BLUSHED every time I asked him a question.
Imagine this scene.
Young High School Senior Overachiever, can you please bring So-and-sos chart from upstairs?
Young High School Senior Overachiever [blushing]:
Sure! Where do I get the keys from?
Bee [blushing because for me it's contagious]:
In this drawer here.
My blood vessels just got back to normal from my partying days, I don't need my face to look like I've been attacked by 100 tiny people with paintball guns.
When I asked him what kind of after school activities he was in (in case OZ let him work after school) he right away said "I don't have a girlfriend."
-Um yeah, I'm... sorry?
Unfortunately, he could only work 4 weeks and I really need the full six so...
Contestant #13 Jessica Rabbit's Ugly Older Sister:
This lady came in wearing a red sleeveless knit blouse with her zipper at mid boobs!
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you're going to an interview where WOMEN will be the ones having to look at your cleavage, would you also wear blue eyeshadow? No, right? That might be just a little too tacky.
When Cowardly Lion gave her the job ap, she complained she didn't have a proper place to sit down to write, could she sit in our office and use an empty desk?
No, then my mystique when we interview her will be gone after she sees me banging at my keyboard because the "F" is stuck again.
When we finally interviewed her and gave her a rundown of the menial tasks she would have to do, everything was "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE!" "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
The kicker was when I said she would have to hound attorneys to get them on the phone so I may speak with them, she responded "I CAN BE A REAL BITCH BECAUSE I USED TO WORK IN COLLECTIONS!"
My eardrums are pounding just thinking about her LOUDNESS.
After she left, we decided to hire a nice, quiet lady who was clean, wore a regular neckline and didn't YELL.
This weekend, we're going to see our Chicago transformed to Gotham City. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months and now the time has come. Why don't you guys go see it too so you can say "Bee has walked down that street full of weird looking clowns! She probably rode that train that just exploded!" It'll be a new bonding experience for us. ;o)
To those that have e-mailed me regarding Humor-Blogs, please Do Not worry about it. We cool.
To that person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who sent me this e-mail:
Your vajayjay only stays stretched out for a short time after you spit out a kid. And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway. XXX has that pee sneezing thing and she had c sections.
The More You Know
this was an informative information type ad
So, who asked ya'??