We've been interviewing all week for the ever elusive perfect assistant. Normally there's a ton of college kids or some seniors in high school applying but this year, it's been a little sad.
Almost all applicants have been women in their 40s or late 50s and way overqualified. The position clearly states it's a part time job that will last about 6 weeks and pays close to nothing.
People have been so desperate that they tell me they'll take anything and hopefully, once OZ sees what a great job they do, he'll keep them.
I know you think my heart is made of black stone but I feel horrible when I have to gently tell them he is an asshole of momentous proportions and is only letting me hire someone because I threatened to make him speak to all the attorneys.
His expectations for a six week period are ridiculous and I might be able to change his mind (I do have unbelievable powers of persuasion, if I want something I get it! Even if I have to put it on lay-away and just admire it from afar until it's mine. I don't know what that means) but I don't want to get their hopes up.
HOW FREAKIN DEPRESSING! FUCKING ECONOMY!
Okay, in order to stay sane and not cry in my cheerios, take a peek at the few nutters we got.
Candidate #7 Maxine:
I don't have any issues with Maxine since I probably will become her (one day in the very near future) but I really don't like the idea of working with another crabby old lady. Also, if you're going to an interview? How about you BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES? Is that too much to ask? She wouldn't look me in the eye (or eyes because I do have two) and I caught her mumbling a couple of times. She got my blood pressure going and she wasn't even a part of The Bat Gang! Yet.
NEXT!
Candidate #9 Young High School Senior Overachiever:
He was a nice kid and I'm sure he would have been a great addition to Team Bee but he BLUSHED every time I asked him a question.
Imagine this scene.
Bee:
Young High School Senior Overachiever, can you please bring So-and-sos chart from upstairs?
Young High School Senior Overachiever [blushing]:
Sure! Where do I get the keys from?
Bee [blushing because for me it's contagious]:
In this drawer here.
My blood vessels just got back to normal from my partying days, I don't need my face to look like I've been attacked by 100 tiny people with paintball guns.
When I asked him what kind of after school activities he was in (in case OZ let him work after school) he right away said "I don't have a girlfriend."
-Um yeah, I'm... sorry?
Unfortunately, he could only work 4 weeks and I really need the full six so...
NEXT!
Contestant #13 Jessica Rabbit's Ugly Older Sister:
This lady came in wearing a red sleeveless knit blouse with her zipper at mid boobs!
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you're going to an interview where WOMEN will be the ones having to look at your cleavage, would you also wear blue eyeshadow? No, right? That might be just a little too tacky.
When Cowardly Lion gave her the job ap, she complained she didn't have a proper place to sit down to write, could she sit in our office and use an empty desk?
::sigh::
Me:
No, then my mystique when we interview her will be gone after she sees me banging at my keyboard because the "F" is stuck again.
.
When we finally interviewed her and gave her a rundown of the menial tasks she would have to do, everything was "I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE!" "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
The kicker was when I said she would have to hound attorneys to get them on the phone so I may speak with them, she responded "I CAN BE A REAL BITCH BECAUSE I USED TO WORK IN COLLECTIONS!"
My eardrums are pounding just thinking about her LOUDNESS.
After she left, we decided to hire a nice, quiet lady who was clean, wore a regular neckline and didn't YELL.
ΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦΦ
This weekend, we're going to see our Chicago transformed to Gotham City. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months and now the time has come. Why don't you guys go see it too so you can say "Bee has walked down that street full of weird looking clowns! She probably rode that train that just exploded!" It'll be a new bonding experience for us. ;o)
P.S.
To those that have e-mailed me regarding Humor-Blogs, please Do Not worry about it. We cool.
P.P.S
To that person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who sent me this e-mail:
"Dear Bee,
Your vajayjay only stays stretched out for a short time after you spit out a kid. And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway. XXX has that pee sneezing thing and she had c sections.
The More You Know
this was an informative information type ad
from,
.
So, who asked ya'??
I wear blue eye shadow everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are ok with that.
We saw Batman tonight.
ReplyDeleteIt was SO AWESOME.
But now that I know that you have skipped, hopped and ran those streets it's 100% more AWESOME.
Next time they should show the 2 zoos (I wonder if they know you have 2 zoos.)
I was kidding about the blue eyeshadow.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually aqua. I hope you are ok with that.
It's a shame that you don't interview people more often - those were great.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is sad, I keep hearing of folks who've lost their job. *sigh*
I think I'd have employed the one with the big mouth and cleavage and sent her out to scare the crap out of the lawyers...
ReplyDeleteBe careful when you walk the streets - if you see that Batman guy, run a mile - there's always trouble where he is.
I WANT TO SEE BATMAN!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry, didn't mean to yell, I know you're eardrums probably can't take anymore. But I want to go to the threatre and see Batman like every other normal person and instead I have to put it on my frippin Netflix list and wait ten years. Blech.
I think that I have the perfect solution for your assistant needs. I will let you borrow all three of my children! Here are their expertise:
Caroline: She had undending amounts of energy so any running you'll need done, she will take care of it. She's great at fetching coffee too.
Emma: She will work the phones and hound the attorneys. She is so good at hounding people that you will be talking to more attorneys than ever!
Plus she'll keep the bats away from your desk with her reincarnated old lady evil eye.
Peter: Uhmmmm, I don't know what he would do but they are a package deal ok.
Let me know where to send them.
Well, The More You Know is Right. I used to wonder myself before I had kids. I was talking to my SIL about it one day and she just cut in and said, "Marie? My stuff is not loose." I will never forget those words as long as I live, if only because of the image they conjured.
ReplyDeleteBut c'est vrais, if anything, things end up a bit smaller after all the healing, making marital relations uncomfortable at first. And men end up in Depends too. Happens to us all.
I say take the blusher and make him suffer even more than his evil adolescense has already done.
ReplyDeletewhat kind of moron writes emails like that?
Yelling and cleavage are great--in the blog world, not on the job...well, it depends on the job, I guess.
ReplyDeleteDid the geeks dress up as the Joker like they did here? AND STAND IN LINE LIKE THAT? So sad.
ReplyDeleteEleventh.
ReplyDeleteAgain.
Not Twelfth.
My hoo-hoo has stretch marks. I guess it didn't want to feel left out since everything else on my body got stretchmarked during the knocked-up years, too.
ReplyDeleteWell, you're now not alone in the frowny face department at h-b. In fact, I've passed you. I had TWO frownies on the same post.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it sucks.
We were trying to go catch the Dark Knight tonight at the IMAX (Navy Pier), SOLD OUT all weekend!! So, I thought I'd be smart and purchase tickets ahead for the first available show, and guess what? They are sold out all week (evening shows) AND next weekend too!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we'll just go to the regular theater...
Sorry, I'm late to the party. God, I remember the pains for hiring a summer intern. I had to turn down a few overqualified 50-somethings, too. I was thinking of the dignity. And that funny smell they have.
ReplyDeleteI would have paid money to hear this line:
ReplyDelete"And urine comes out your urethra which the baby never goes out, so pee sneezing will happen anyway."
I actually laughed. I don't do that.
What's wrong with the email? it was informative.
ReplyDeleteI saw Batman yesterday.
That boy without the girlfriend. He was totally fantasizing about you! ha ha ha ha. I'd like to see a Monday morning with that scenario. What entertainment!
ReplyDeleteFunny how you had to hire someone based on what they WEREN'T, rather than what they WERE.
ReplyDeleteNo no... it's true. The state of the job market is poor poor poor! I also had to dumb down my resume and I finally got a 4 month temp (possible temp to hire) stint. They (the place I got hired by) also keep asking me if this is working for me or if I'd be interested in it, as I'm still technically in the training/ try out period. The job market SUCKS! I, however, am just happy to have a job... even if it may be only for 4 months. That gives me 4 months to win the lottery.
ReplyDeleteAlso... I was sooooo blown away by the Dark Knight. I gotta go see that again!
NCS:
ReplyDeleteBut would you wear the blue with a red top? That's okay, I'm sure your kicky hats always make the awesome blue stand out!
I agree with Batman's awesomeness!! But my next movie is Mama Mia!
Alice:
Believe me, I'm glad the interviewing processes is over.
Brian:
If I see Batman, no way am I running away from him. I must touch his hair...
Tracy:
Make your nanny watch the kids and you and Chris can go during the day.
Our office is not kid friendly. One the one hand you have woman that suck the youth out of good people and on the other hand you have this one chick who swears too much. ;op
Marie:
I am cringing right now! My legs? Sealed shut! ;o)
Meg:
You know, I'm guilty of accidental cleave but I make sure I were discreet clothes when I go on interviews.
Suzy:
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't think they did. We were up at the crack of dawn (8 am) and the theater was packed! Jerks.
Brian:
Maybe you're counting wrong. You did learn your math thru a song...
TFHHC:
Did you stand in front of a mirror to see or are you just that flexible? (:op
Joel:
Yeah, I'm not thrilled with the new system since it hits you right where it hurts. Your pride. ;o)
CRAZY EZ!:
We were going to go to Barrington AMC but I didn't think we'd get there with a 45 leeway before the movie started. The theater was packed at 10 AM on a Sunday!
AHC:
The women in my office over do the perfume. By the time I have to go home, I have a headache and am ready to throw up.
Drunk Blogger:
Did ya' pee a little? :o)
Dan:
Nothing was wrong with the email. It made me laugh and that's why I shared it.
VE:
Another broken heart then.
{:op
Nanny:
I think we picked the best lady for Team Bee. She seemed very sweet and I had this feeling she really needed the job.
Ceci:
My sister is looking for a job too. She's applied to tens pf places, hopefully she'll get a call fro a good job.
Good luck to you!