Thursday, July 10, 2008

Suntanned Karate Chop Hand Coming to a Face Smack Near You...

How’s it going? You guys good? You feeling happy and comfortable?
Do you have a nice wedge of cheese and some Tequila by your side ready to enjoy and get your cheesy booze on?

Good for you!

How am I, you ask.

Well, I’m not gonna lie to you.

I am angrier than a deformed flea who just got pissed on by a swamp rat! I don’t know what that means but it can't be pleasant.

I am so fucking pissed off I’m having difficulty keeping my Karate chop hand still! My very suntanned Karate chop hand! It just wants to jump up and beat the shit out of anybody stupid enough to cross my path!

Sorry, I didn’t mean you.

The moronic bats I work with are driving me to the brink of insanity and I can't afford to get any closer to the edge!!

Anyway, I’m going to try and contain my eruptions throughout this post but, if you all of a sudden see --EARFUCKER!!-- or some odd word where it is not called for, please blame my turrets (which, like Cartman, I wish I had... well, only the awesome random swearing, not the high pitched squeals or twitches).


I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of cool bloggers since I started this here blog a year ago.
Some of you are as whacked out as I am and others are just along for the ride.
Probably taking bets to see when I will actually crack and my face will wind up on the 7 o’clock news announcing I have stolen all the paper, pencils, staples, folders, etc. from my office and am building a giant ship so that I can travel to all the ports along Lake Michigan (my aspirations are low).
Some bloggers and I have more of a stalking relationship than others. You know who you are. Those that get e-mails from me saying stuff like “THIS MOFO NEEDS TO BE BITCHED SLAPPED AND I’M JUST THE BITCH TO DO IT!!” or “Tibet hasn’t been freed yet? I could have sworn… ?”

Yeah, real intellectual stuff right?

Today, I’d like to showcase one bloggy friend.

I’ve talked about her before, how I admire her wholesomeness, lack of swears and how she makes OLD MEN cry!

The pay off has been great because I’ve received things in the mail that make me giddy. Recently, Elastic (AKA Melissa my *kin*) sent me a nice little pick me up. Something that would make me laugh, cry, wonder why we live so far and still hope her man will be transferred to a city near me so that we can be BFFs, sitting-outside-the-Tastee-Freeze-with-our-nachos-making-fun-of-the-poor-fools-THAT-GET-IN-THE-WAY-OF-MY-KARATE-CHOP-SUNTANNED-HAND, in real life.

She knows me so well without actually having met me and now I have proof.

See pens? Uh-huh me likey!
See sox? Total Playgirl!

Here is the weird part. Do you see this pen with the girl in the scarlet dress and the flowing hair?

What would you say if I told you that 4 years ago.

I went to a Wizard World Comic Book Convention.

Stood in line outside to get into the Rosemont Horizon renamed Donald Duck Stephenson Conventions Center.

Got myself my little geek (temporary) pass.

Went inside.

Trolled all the little stalls.

Looked at women with massive boobs.

Got hit on by one said woman with massive boobs.

Looked at art from all kinds of peeps.

Finally bought a print I’ve been displaying proudly since.


Did you just get chills from this awesome coincidence??
To top it off, her daughter was the one to find them and say "Oh my gooossshhhh, that is SO BEE!"!

Unfortunately my blog is rated R so I'm sure she's not allowed to read my thanks.

Thank you my Elastic friend and her oldest daughter Sunbum!!
Look at that, no turrets episodes. The savage beast is at peace.


  1. I'm Elastic and I approve of this post.

  2. This is the weird thing that may have something to do with the C****va Connection. My Sunbum insisted that she HAD to have the same pens too and she's begging me to streak her hair with some red highlights just like our long lost Chicago seester, Bee!

  3. I think you should wear the Playboy socks the next time you go to church. You can tell the Priest you got them when you did some centerfold work for them back in the day.

  4. You could use your karate chop hand action for slicing and dicing veggies and stuff. Food prep will be a breeze. You may even get your own cooking show!

  5. Awwwww.
    I love it when a plan comes together

  6. Re: The bats

    They didn't get in your bra, right?

  7. OK - I love my card shark sox, but at a poker game, the Playboy sox would make me even MORE popular. So cool.

    And yeah, the same/same picture thing is a little Twilight Zone.

    Yay Elastic!

  8. I have such a headache now.

    *golf clap*

  9. Who is the artist of that print? it's awesome!

    very cool that you now have a pen that matches it! :)

  10. I just had to bring in my Sunbum to show her the freaky freakiness of it all!

    She's amazed!

  11. oh my god, you guys are like psychotic sisters. that is sooo cool.

  12. That is creepy cool!!

    You know what's NOT creepy cool, though? The number of search strings that are gonna find your blog now that you put the word "earfucker" in your post!

  13. I think I need to rethink my handly duties. I could use a good Karate Chop hand myself.

  14. That's funny, I just got a bloggy package myself.

  15. Rated R?
    I don't think they've actually come out with an appropriate rating for you.

    Maybe a Rated B would work!

    (by the way, diesel fixed my rating thingy.)

  16. OMG!!! That is freaky! The coincidence with that pen and the picture on the wall. WOW.

  17. you're no longer alone!! some biatch sad-faced my booby post. hater.

  18. weird post , i wonder what rules your head.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.