It's long over due but I need to set OZ straight. I haven't been watching The Godfathers I and II for nothing (three sucks donkey balls)! I've also seen my fair of The Sopranos so I know exactly what to do with dickheads.
Preparing for my Friday meetings is always stressful. It is one of my busiest days since it's the day I relieve the receptionist for lunch and for some reason, every Spanish speaking patient we have is always scheduled for that day. Add to that the fact that we meet at 3, makes a recipe for one very frazzled Bee.
Last year, I told him he could not SHOULD NOT add accounts right before our meeting because this would not give me enough time to prepare them. The rule is no less than 24 hours notice. Three guesses as to what he did.
I had to get them ready anyway because, as we have established, I have a cheese addiction so I really need my job.
HOWEVER!
He pushed my button one to many times during our meeting and I really had no choice but to blow up. It's amusing to see a man a foot taller than you back pedal. He looked at Glynda, held up his hands and said "It's okay. We're all okay here. We're just conversating." at which point he stopped being a jerk and sat there like a meek Philip Seymour Hoffman afraid of the wrath of the beehive.
So, OZ? You can fuck off!
In other news, I am now the proud owner of a gorgeous water fountain (which we were out buying while a torrent of water was pouring into my house because of course the rain can't wait until we finish with the repairs that will prevent us from having ugly mermaids* splashing away in my mom's living room) :
How can I afford such a magnificent water fountain in these times of cat food for dinner you ask. Well I had to save my allowance for a few weeks (at the time I thought I was saving it to buy Andy a new dresser but then he pissed me off 1,456,741 times so I thought "you know what? he can just stack his clothes in that hollowed out drawerless old dresser he has until it regenerates") and then we took advantage of a very lucky sale. Now, if only I knew of an electrician who could hook a power thingie outside. Otherwise it'll be a beautiful non running water fountain. If anybody has any suggestions or knows of ANYBODY please let me know.
Don't forget! Tomorrow is "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love...". Be there or be square.
And since I'm announcing posts. Here are a couple of upcoming ones you might find interesting.
Tuesday:
From the same people that loved reading Interview with a Vampire, Bee’s Musings presents: Interview with a Vegetarian.
Thursday:
Brian's music review (with my reHEADbuttal).
Now wish us luck. Andy and I are taking Tazz to the veterinarian. One of us (probably Andy) might not come back.
*Of course the mermaids would be ugly! Do you think I would have beautiful big busted half-women in my home??)
This is in no way meant to be a funny post. I am sad and upset so I need to rant and purge so that I may move on with my life. I hate dwelling on shit I cannot change and this has been consuming so much of my life recently that it needs to be taught who is boss and kicked out of my head.
Please don't think I'm asking for pity since I don't like anyone feeling sorry for us. Lifeis, it happens and you just have to deal with it.
I just want to enlighten people so they won't get royally screwed like we did. Okay, we didn't get ROYALLY screwed because it could have been worse but we did get dumped on. As you guys know, we suffered the consequence of IKE all the way up in the Midwest. Our town was one of the ones flooded and even the news people said "do not come here if you don't need to". The footage on TV was a guy standing knee deep in water at the corner near our house.
We woke up to that mess and even though we were feeling the impotency of the whole situation, what kept us sane was knowing we had insurance. And we thought a good insurance provider. American Family Insurance is not some rinky two bit operation.
When we bought the home owners insurance and found out we needed a mandatory flood policy, we were also asked if we wanted to purchase additional benefits in case of a flood. That way we could replace our damaged items. Being the newbie home owners, we said hells ya'! If something happens we want to be covered to our teeth.
Here is where the newbie part comes in. Are you ready? The policy says that if the flood insurance covers you, they YOUR HOME OWNERS are then void.
Uh-huh.
So… our homeowners denied us ANY HELP but our flood insurance might give us money for repairs and their estimates are, of course, lower than expected. They are only allowing for the repairs and rebuilding because any items we may have lost (clothes, shoes, comforters, furniture, electronics, kitchen cabinets, tub) are not covered under the flood insurance. Why? BECAUSE WE HAVE A HOME OWNERS POLICY.
You see how that works? I have to be honest and say I didn't see that coming. Maybe I'm more naïve than I thought. Here I thought I was wise to the world of fucktards but nope. They keep surprising me by shiving me when I'm not looking.
Okay. So we called here and there trying to get them to reconsider. The flood insurance guy (who was very nice and I'm sure just doing his job) suggested I apply for FEMA relief since my county had been declared a disaster area.
Yay! Some hope?
Well, you know what happens when you stand outside and wish upon a star? Some bird decides your face makes a good landing pad for his shit.
We received a denial from FEMA on Thursday because we do not have enough damage to our home and they state our flood and homeowners should be enough.
This is not enough damage. This is just mild, a fresh coat of paint will do ya', damage:
LOOK MA'! NO WALLS!
Sorry about the quality but I took them with Scarlett. Everything down there is trashed. We threw out bags and bags of her things.
We had 3 different people come and inspect the place. They all took pictures.
I know our damage was nowhere near as bad as others. I know we're blessed to have a roof over our head and some money (maybe because we still have not seen any of it) for rebuilding. It could have been worse. I know.That is the only thing keeping me sane NOW. We had some cold days here where we were freezing because one of the things we could not replace was our furnace. I'm lucky to be married to such a great electrician who has many other hobbies. Like carpentary, dry-walling and now furnace repair. We now have heat which is lucky since it's 30 degrees right now.
This situation has been stressing Andy, my mom and I. We have been jumpy and snarky with each other the past few weeks which is unfair to take it out on one another but who else is there? Oh yeah, the fuckers at the insurance companies.
We will be switching insurance carriers so if anybody has had a good experience with theirs, please let me know.
Moral of this story:
Check your insurance policy to find out exactly what you're covered for. If you notice anything unusual or something you can't understand, call your agent and don't be afraid to ask about what's troubling you. We learned our lesson the hard way and I feel bad for our next agent because he will have to deal with a burnt-out witch but I have to look out for me and mine so other people's feelings are just going to have to suck it.
Oh and they can also fuck off.
***side story**
I can't help myself so please be a witness to one of Andy's and mine argument.
Andy: BEE!! I can't log-in to Outlook Express to access my hotmail.
Bee [from the other room]: So? Go online and get it from there!
Andy: I CAN'T!! I DON'T REMEMBER MY PASSWORD! I TRIED TO RESET IT BUT IT'S NOW ASKING ME QUESTIONS I DON'T KNOW!
he comes to hover over me like I have the answer to all his problems
Bee: What?? I don't know your password!
Andy: FIX IT!
Bee [tired of his attitude and tone]: That is not my problem. I can access my account so I really don't give a shit.
Andy: You are such a jerk! [stomps off]
Bee [calmly eating a pomegranate] Yep. I'm an asshole and a bitch too.
I continue to hear him grumbling. So I decided to see if I can crack his code. These were the questions that stumped him
City you live in Pet's name.
Yeah, a couple of humdingers!
I was able to reset his password so I calmly went over to his room and gave him the great news. I walked him thru opening a new tab and typing hotmail on the address bar. He then typed in his e-mail address and waited for me to give him the new password:
IAMAFUCKINGIDIOT
THAT did not go over well.
He then threatened to change my password to "IAMANASSHOLE" but I'm not worried. Nina Simone - Feeling Good.
So ummm, would you like to see a little piece of my work hell? Maybe take a little peek? Maybe poke it with a stick? Maybe kick it in the NUTS!!??
Picture the scene. Me sitting at my desk with my brand new hand brace thing which makes me look like a cool Michael Jackson (don't dispute my claim that I'm cooler than MJ please because I'm not going to let you), typing away, getting ready for my weekly meeting with OZ, whistling show tunes.
So cool!
Having prepared myself with my coffee IV, my newly sharpened pencil (for jabbing at my non IV arm) and my yellow legal pad for doodling little pictures of people before a firing squad.
Yeah, it seems like heaven on Earth, right? Don't be fooled though because the great mood is deceptive!
So there I am. Usual Friday self in nice clothes, face paint, hair all la-dee-da when Glynda walks in.
Glynda: OZ wants you to go to Subway and gets his sandwich. [walks halfway out of the office]
Bee: No.
Glynda: [comes back and puts her hands on her hips] WHAT? DID YOU SAY 'NO'?
Bee: [lower lip jutted out like the naughty child I am] I said 'no'.
Glynda: But he wants a sandwich!
Bee: Ask somebody else. I'm busy.
Glynda: BUT HE WANTS HIS SANDWICH FROM SUBWAY!
Bee: I understood the first time but I'm not going to get his sandwich anymore. Ask somebody else.
Glynda walks out. Comes back in. Turns around (dosey does) goes back out. Stalks back in.
Glynda: I don't know what you're trying to pull but YOU need to go get his sandwich.
Bee: No. I. Don't. If you'd like, I'll go tell him myself.
[stands there for a minute shocked, my phone rings, I pick it up and continue working so she leaves]
Comes back a few minutes later with a long list of accounts she wants me to bring in to meeting. Now, if you are not familiar with the way my meetings go I can understand you thinking it's no big deal.
BUT!
The fact is, by Thursday, I have my list of suspects and am just tweaking last minute things on Friday. For her to come over and give me a list of an additional 20 people at 12:30 on a Friday? Well, let's just say that a lesser woman would have pooped her pants and the pants of her neighbors. And maybe Indiana's pants.
Not this chick. This chick has looked the devil in the face (not for reals) (and Devil? I'm just kidding so don't make any special trips okay?) and laughed her ass off while trying on new shoes.
I hustled my ass and got all of those accounts ready just in time! Ha! You see, what they don't know is that I'm at my best under pressure. I shine, I sparkle, I smell from the sweat dripping down my back bring my *A* game!
So Glynda, welcome to Fuck Off Friday on a Saturday!
I can't wait for the day I walk over to her and give her my, handwritten in blood (not my blood), 2 weeks notice.
When that day comes, I'm inviting all of y'alls to my house for a party! Okay, maybe not so much inviting you guys but asking you guys to send me flowers or chocolate.
Hey! Guess what we get to do today! If you guessed 'finish removing drywall, nails, glue and staples from my mom's walls then disinfect the bare walls and scrub them with chemicals' you hit the nail on the head! Yay us! How's that for a fun filled weekend??
The little mcgigglebiggles that make my laptop run and keeps Andy in his happy place (although, at the moment he's in the middle of another tantrum. How dare I suggest we go for a bagel????) have returned to our lives. We're back, a little beat be up but not wiser.
And now for the last installment in my assistant drama.
╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧╧ The name Part-Time Savior, will be no more. I'm rechristening her Part-Time Suxworsethanshovingbambooshootsintoyourfingernails so that we can keep her initials "P-T S" intact(o-mundo).
I'm tired you guys. I'm so exhausted I can barely lift my little midget (I can call myself that so no hate mail) fingers from Q to 9but I will keep typing! Even if I don't make any sense.
I came back from lunch on Wednesday to find P-T S lounging at my desk while sitting on my chair.
MY chair.
Did you read the part that says MY CHAIR??
My chair, the one only *I* have had the pleasure of sitting on because it was bought specifically for my tush (I originally typed TUSHIE but who are we kidding? There is nothing "IE" about my TUSH.). I felt like Phoebe and her Guitar. "Touch it again and I'll have to pound you a little bit" I felt like Joey and his french fries. "It's Joey food!" I felt like Andy and his Cheetos. Too many to quote so I just inserted a linky-dink.
In other, more ghettofied words:
Don't sit. Your stanky ass. On my chair!
Okay, that's not the only reason why she's making my life miserable. I was not amused with her persistence in talking to everybody instead of doing her work. This was her SECOND day!
And the bats? You'd figure because they've lived such long LONG lives they'd know better! Nope, not my dear little blind flying rodents. Oh no. They made it seem like it was okay to loiter by MY desk and discuss the traffic situation in downtown Suburbia.
I am not kidding when I say I was SCREAMING in my head.
I cut in like so-eth:
Bee: So, yeah. How 's that TPS report coming along. [eye twitch eye twitch]
P-T S: Great! I've caught on! [while still standing by my desk]
I get up and stand in front of her face and start moving forward making her walk backwards. I had to keep my hands at my sides [they have a tendency to want to karate chop, remember?].
Bee: [eye twitch eye twitch] Uh-huh. Let's journey to your desk and see, yes?
P-T S: Now that I know what I'm doing, I'm flying through them!
*Them* being elephants with purple ribbons.
Bee: Mhm mhm. This report? It usually only takes a few hours so I need it done today, m'kay? [I was trying to convey "I believe in you!" but encouragement is not one of the things that make me ME. ]
P-T S: No problem!
A few minutes later I overheard her say to her imaginary friend Peppito the Blue Elephant (with purple bow blowing in the wind),
"I hope I'm doing this right!"
Holy ColbyJack Cheese Batman!
2:30
P-T S: Okay! I'm almost done with it! I'm on page 33! When I come back tomorrow I should FLY by the rest.
If it were up to me, I would have said "You know what? How about tomorrow you stay home, have some coffee and watch some M*A*S*H reruns? Maybe lose our address? But look! As a parting gift, here's a SCREEN-PRINT of the definition for the word "Fly".
NEXT!
Sadly, if you come by Shangrila Bee's often, you know that we collect Lollygaggers like some collect crusty old love letters from long dead mushy wind bags (I hope I'm not offending anybody. If you collect such letters GOOD FOR YOU! Nice to have a hobby that doesn't involve sticking pins through butterfly wings -EVIL BASTARDS!-) (hopefully the mushy long dead wind bags will not be offended either because I need another poltergeist like I need another husband.) .
When I went to Glynda and said "She is not understanding the basic system, I don't think she'll be able to handle the rest of what the position entails"
Glynda: Well, I'm sure you can put up with her for 20 days.
[I know what you're thinking 6 weeks at 5 days in one work week equal 30 days minus 3 plus red frogs equals ?? I don't know but it's not 20.]
Bee: But you'll be paying her to do nothing. I don't have time to go back and correct her mistakes.
Glynda: Maybe she can just pull charts for you or shred paper or file something that doesn't involve the computer.
You can imagine the look on my face. No, you can't because you don't know what I look like. Sure you've seen some pictures but not the true me that doesn't hide behind her hair or when I'm being morphed. You'll just have to imagine my eyes rolling to the back of my head.
At the same time, I'm a little relieved. Now I know that if I come in drunk/high/knife-wielding/goat-riding/bunny-skinning/shoeless/bra-less/BRAINLESS... you know what? Strike "shoeless" that would just be punishing myself, no matter what I do, I WILL NEVER GET FIRED FROM THIS PLACE.
2 more years for me to be fully vested and then I'm blowing this pop stand. Maybe. Hopefully?
Wait, I think it's 3 more years CRAP!
Don't worry about this old girl. I didn't live to be the grand old age of 35 without a couple of tricks up my black hoodie sleeve. I had a little slice of revenge planned.
Glynda asked me not to tell OZ how much she SUUUUUCKS I told her I was not going to lie since that would be putting my ass in the receiving line of his anger.
When I met with the Great and Powerful OZ for our Friday meeting and he asked me how she was doing, I was honest. Glynda kept defending her and he grew concerned that I was spending so much time holding P-T S' hand. His suggestion, to give Glynda instructions and let her sit with P-T S! So now I have 2 assistants that make up ONE brain.
T
HEEND!
*That wasn't the whole argument but there is no point in me relaying how I tried to show her that logically if someone was here to assist you (me) but you (me) wound up spending the whole day doing the main thing then they just had to do the brainless crap then there wasn't much assisting, am I right?
So... I know you guys have been worried, thinking Andy had finally buried me under my magnolia tree but I'm still alive and kickin' ass!
Anyway, I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I may do last minute preparations for Sister Nancy's baby-shower. On Thursday we had Niece Natalia's graduation and I discovered I couldn't find my purse and freaked THE HELL OUT! I thought I might have left it at work but then I said to myself, 'wouldn't they have called me?' I decided to call Glynda's cell but she didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. I put the *freak out* on hold so that I could enjoy my niece's celebration.
We arrived at the ceremony early hoping to get good seats and scored 2 in the first row. This was my view at the beginning. Natalia is the perfect little lady in the middle. Doesn't this tell you what these kids' personalities will be like when they grow up? To her left are the Frat boys but lets zoom in on the kids to her right.
The kid is diggin for gold and the other little girl is asking Natalia if she can believe the kid is in knuckle deep!
After about 5 minutes, this was my view:
Ass here, ass there, asses asses everywhere! What the fuck!! I know people are trying to get pictures of their kids but how about some fuckin' courtesy to the people that got there early? Maybe kneel on the floor??
I got up but then this jag stood in front of me. I continued taking pictures and muttering things like "Oh what a nice view I have! Stupid lady's ass. Idiot giant man's head" over and over until Andy came and took the camera from me. I didn't want to start a brawl at my niece's Pre-K graduation but I was ready to rumble! Asswipes! They can fuck off!
Luckily the ceremony didn't last too much longer and we got to the important business of celebrating by eating cake and ribs IN THAT ORDER CUZ WE'RE REBELS!
When I got home, I continued my insane worrying about my purse. Did I leave it on the roof of my car when I left work Wednesday and just drove off (NOT AN UNCOMMON THING FOR ME TO DO) Did I drop it? My driver's license is in it, my debit card, my cherry lollipop...
I kept waking up during the night with my first thought being what a hassle it would be to replace all that crap! Then, at 7:55 AM on Friday morning, Glynda called to tell me she got my message and yes I had left my purse at work, and I quote, "Milton found it so I don't know if she went thru it"
Now remember peoples. I could not drive to pick it up since I didnot have a driver's license. Being the brilliant problem solver that I am, I asked my sister to pick it up on her way home from the doctor since she was coming to my house to pick up a 5 year old who had happened to camp out in my living room. Great idea right? Sounds reasonable doesn't it?
Bee:
Hi Milton. I was wondering if you could give my sister my purse and my paycheck since she'll be driving by in a few minutes.
Milton:
Well... uhm... I uhm... she... uhm needs... you need to give her a letter of authorization.
... ... Do you understand what this would mean? If she had to come all the way to my house, what would be the point of the freakin' letter?? I could just go with her!
Bee:
Transfer me to Glynda.
Milton:
I... uh... to Glynda?
I talked to Glynda and explained the asinine suggestion of the dumbass! She gave the okay to release my purse from captivity to my capable sister.
I know what you're going to say "Rules are rules. Corporate America yaddayadda" Why do you always take Milton's side? We are a small office and they have all met my sister. Milton has been to her house for a house warming party. Glynda said I should just give them a letter on Monday to appease Milton so here's a little preview:
I herby authorize, by the power vested in me, sister on her way home from Ob/Gyne, need ID for booze, paycheck for crack...
That way Milton will know that what I'm really saying is that she can Fuck Off!
Last but not least, while I was cleaning my back porch, I moved a box and this ginormous woman eating bug jumped out at me and hissed!!
Okay, it didn't jump. Or hiss. But it still scared the shit out of me forcing me to stand up quickly and bang my head on the window's door. (My windows open in, like mini french doors) I swear I saw stars! My ears went numb, I got dizzy, Brad Pitt was standing in front of me.
If I wouldn't have been so determined to stay upright, I might have ended up face down in a pile of old shoes and peanut shells (don't ask). Now I have a goose egg on the top of my head and look like this:
Don't worry. That bug has now left our realm.
I'm tired now so how's about clicking on Humor-Blogs for me? I'm not trying to force you or anything but if you click on Humor-Blogs, my headache might go away.
P.S.
Nothing scares an insomniac more than a TV that's set up to go on at 1:30 in the morning!! Who does that??
I'm about to remove the lid off of some pent up anger and it might get ugly for a few minutes. Everything works out fine at the end but you might be tempted to come give me a hug- CONTROL THAT URGE! As I'm typing this, I'm listening to my Brazilian/Paris lounge CD (Thanks Jai!!!) and a cool breeze is bringing in the smell of lilac and magnolia so I'm fine now.
Ready? I'm removing the lid. I suggest you take a couple steps back.
╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝ I haven't been posting about The Bats lately because they've all been having serious family issues. I do have some sense of decency buried somewhere deep deep inside of me so I've tried not to harass them too much lately. They each have something on their mind far more serious than a shorty co-worker calling them stupid every time they take a breath (although they are stupid).
Anyway, on Fridays, the office closes at 3:00 and people get to leave shortly after that. Except for me OF COURSE! I'm lucky enough to have my meeting with OZ and get to stay and talk about all the lawyers I've mocked and made cry during the week. Although it's fun, I'd rather get the hell out of my torture chamber as soon as humanly possible. On those rare Fridays we don't meet, I also join the rest of the dummies in the sprint towards the time clock at 2:59.
When OZ's patient load is light, I'll ask to meet with him during office hours that way I can have my meeting over and done with so I may leave early. I've done this for the TWO AND A HALF YEARS I'VE BEEN AT THE ASYLUM.
My hours have always varied since I might have to stay later to translate or OZ might need me to give him an update on an account he absolutely needs to know about RIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE FOR THE DAY. This was all explained to me prior to me starting at Arkham Asylum. In other words I can come in when I want and, if not needed, leave earlier. Again, I've done this for TWO AND HALF YEARS.
Sorry I'm dragging to get to my point but I need to give some history leading up to my day yesterday.
A couple of months ago, I met with OZ early and was done with our meeting by 2:30. I asked Glynda if I could leave and she waved good-bye.
When Milton found out she asked "Do we all get to go home now or just you?"
Me: Uh, just me.
Milton: Well, that's not fair!
Me: Then ask if you can leave too. I'm done with my meeting so that means I can leave early.
Milton: By early I thought you'd leave at 3 not 2.
Me: [losing it] What's the difference it's HALF AN HOUR?? It's not like I'm going to get paid for that HALF HOUR!
Milton sat there, her face blotchy red, fuming. I punched out and went home. I couldn't understand why she was so upset since the few times he's told us to leave early, she usually stays until she finishes whatever project she started. If he would have told everybody to leave she still would've stayed late!
Do you know what this snot rag did??? She pulled out the employee manual and cried on Glynda's shoulder! I didn't find out until last week when they fucked me over by taking my vacation time on a couple of days I left early!
I asked Glynda and Milton, they claimed company policy. I let them know that I was the exception because of the reasons I stated above. They didn't budge from their little united front. I was sooo pissed off I didn't know how I should handle the situation. The family was telling me I should demand my vacation time back and although I agreed, I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that extreme. My day on Friday was so unbelievable shitacular that it made the decision for me.
I asked Milton how many vacation hours I had left since I was going to bring it to OZ's attention. She panicked and brought Glynda, both tried to dissuade me out of talking about it with him at meeting. I let them know that I was going thru with it and no matter what happened, I was prepared to be disappointed. I think they each shit their pants right then and there.
Once I was in my meeting with OZ and Glynda:
Me: I'd like to talk about my Work Schedule. When I first started I was also told my hours were flexible since I might have to stay later on some days but had the option to come in later the next day. I've been doing this for over 2 years and just recently my vacation time has been deducted.
OZ: What? [looks at Glynda] Why was this done?
Glynda: Company policy blah blah
OZ: What was Teri's [lucky bitch who escaped and I replaced] schedule? She was flexible wasn't she? We never took her vacation time when she left early! Why are you doing that now???
Glynda: Policy blah blah
OZ: [to me] How many hours did they take?
Me: About 8 that I know of.
OZ: [to Glynda] DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO REINSTATE THOSE HOURS!
Glynda: But she was already paid-
OZ: DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO REINSTATE THOSE HOURS! I'M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN!!
Glynda: I'll have to tell Milton-
OZ: Is she here? Bring her in here!
[Milton had been about to leave and had her running shoes on ready to leap tall buildings]
OZ: [to Milton] How many hours does Bianca have left? 16? I need you to bring give her an additional 30.
[gasps were heard all around, I won't lie to you, I was one of the gaspers]
Milton: But... we... I... wackawacka
OZ: This will be our way of making amends and correcting this mistake! Do what you have to do right now! Do I need to sign something? Bring it and I'll sign it right now! DO NOT DOCK HER PAY FOR WHAT SHE'S BEEN PAID ALREADY! I need you both to think twice before making decisions like this without consulting me first!
So that clinched it for me right there. I will be the most hated person in the office. I kinda like it!
When I was telling my family peeps, I kept wondering out loud why they would fuck with me like that? You'd figure they know me better by now! Just yesterday they transferred a psychopathic patient to me so I could put her in her place. They gathered around to listen to my whiskey/honey voice show her who was the Alpha Bitch!
Why would they think I'm going to let a couple of light weights try to step on me? I go for the jugular any time I feel I'm being attacked! Just ask the multitude of attorneys who swing their dicks my way only to jump back screaming like the little girls they are!
I need to know why they would go out of their fuckin way to irritate me when all I do is work my ass off for that place! I'm constantly fixing their mistakes. I have to hold their hands and make decisions they no longer have the brain power to do on their own!
I once told a worker (at a place I managed) that I wasn't there to be liked (yes one of the ones I made cry) and I had no qualms in sending her home if she didn't straighten up her act. My job is a JOB. I hate it when it leaks into my home life and that's what this fuckin' place has been doing!
They had the balls to ask me if I was going to invite them to my sister's baby-shower. I told them no, but if they wanted to bring a gift to work and leave it by my desk I'd probably take it. Why the hell would I want them in my personal life??
I know it's not fair that I now have a total of 46 hours plus the ones he already paid me but... you know what I have to say about that? They can fuck off and kiss my ass!
That ladies and gents, was Fuck Off Friday on a Saturday!!
... only replace *bar* with *my office* and *orders a beer* with *yells in my face*! Thursdays are usually the days OZ does surgeries so he never shows up at the office. You would think it'd be the best day of the week to work, right?
Wrong!
Usually the bats think it's socializing time. I call it Social Thursday.
The day wasn't bad so far, I'd had my coffee. I was filling pretty mellow, especially cuz it was treat day and I decided to have a BROWNIE for breakfast, YEAH I SAID IT!
I heard the door open and CL talking to a man. The man started getting louder and louder. I hid walked close to the front desk to hear what he was saying, that's when I heard my name.
Turns out he was an attorney who was pissed off because OZ hadn't called him back. He assumed OF COURSE! that I was the one holding OZ hostage and not letting him make phone calls. Believable right? I mean, if I can force the receptionist to remain chained to her desk without any peeing breaks...
If you guys were to see me in person, besides being shocked by my magnificent beauty, you would never in a million years think I'm a threat. I'm short, I don't have horns coming outta my head, no serpent tongue. I do have claws though. They look kind of dorky right now because the middle one broke and now I have the most important finger of the set looking naked.
Once CL told him who I was, this douche bag decided to assault my ears with every fucking insult his thesaurus gave him for the word incompetent.
Now, a calmer woman would have called security, the police or Superman. But no, not me. In the stupidest decision I've made this week, I got in his face and reciprocated in kind. Was that the right thing to do? Probably not but you know what? Fuck it!
I told him to take his shitty briefcase stuff it up his ass and waddle out of the office! He said something about him advising his client to sue OZ and me personally. I asked him if he wanted my address.
By this time Glynda came running to the front desk and the security guy came thru the front door. The rest will be written in the annals of the Asylum. I was shaking but IT FELT GOOD!
OZ came over from the hospital as soon as he could and called his attorney. Now a whole bunch of other people will become involved.
Long after I have moved on, they will remember my name, for Thursday was the day I became a Legend!
It was about fuckin' time!
Oh yeah, to that asshole attorney, HE CAN FUCK OFF!! ...... Here's the thing. I would like to ask 4 easy things from you.
First, I know you love me so you're probably feeling a little bit of pity for me.
Don't.
Pity is for assholes. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.
Second, if you leave me a comment, please start it "Legendary Bee". Don't worry, that title will expire after this post. Unless you want to continue, please don't let me stop you.
Third, I need you to help me decide between a mechanical pencil and the old fashioned kind of pencil. I like the mechanical one because I can just click a button for more led instead of getting up to sharpen it.
I like the old fashioned one because I can BITE down on it in stressful situations and it usually reminds me that a bullet might hurt more.
Fourth, please click on Humor-Blogs for me because I'm sliding down the ranks and you don't want to see me angry. ;op
P.S.
I'm milking my traumatic day by taking the day off and decluttering my house. If I don't visit you, that's why.
-Day 101. I'm not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I'm a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!- Lindsay Lohan (Wow, this chick is deeeeeep!)
I decided to break my one week tradition and have Fuck off Fridays on a Saturday on a Friday. OZ is on vacation and the rest of the office staff is off except for me and two other people (CL & Glynda). There probably won't be too much to be pissed off about. Anyway, I'll see what I can do to bring my bad mood to your living space.
. I had to leave work at noon Thursday to drive my mom somewhere governmentally related. I told Glynda I’d hopefully be back in 3 hours. You guys have been to places like that, right? They're assholes just because there's air!
I went in there, ready for battle with my “fuck you all” face a mere hairline trigger away!
Do you know what happened? The governmentals were NICE to us!
THEY WERE NICE! AND!!
We were only there for half an hour! . I sat back and let this phenomena wash over me like warm rain in the summertime. . Speaking of summertime! Since I can’t tell the governmentals to Fuck off cuz they were nice… I want to send out a special warm wish to my good old friend Mother Nature. . Mother Nature, I wish you would just let us live in peace. This whole prank you’re pulling of either giving us 10 feet of snow or 1 gazillion gallons of water? Not funny! . I’m about to get all close and personal with my river and to tell you the truth, I don’t need to know what size undies it wears. I’m okay with worshipping it from afar while I speed down my street running over squirrels and skunks. We’re good. I promise not to put a canoe on it and it promises not to damage my worldly possessions and stink up my yard!
Thanks to you, IT’S RISING AGAIN! And not the good kind of rising that we first learned about in Grease via Rizzo’s dirty mouth. No, this kind of rising benefits nobody. Not even the woodland creatures that drink its water.
I know I know “April showers BLAH BLAH BLAH”
Just Fuck off, okay?
Love you to death,
Bee
AND!! To the OVERAGED!! Bat that took one of my beauteous pens, I WANT IT BACK... YESTERDAY! I don't know who it was, I just know it was on my desk before I left to go to the Governmental errand and when I came back, it was gone! Don't take a girl's pen when that is the only thing keeping her in a quasi lucid state! Don't do it! Fuck off! You know? . P.S.
The dreaded wedding is tomorrow. I’m scaurd. Andy didn't go to the Bachelor Party. Not even after I begged him to shower and go. I want him smelling clean for the hoochies. I can't have them saying my man ain't clean.
SHOES I'M STALKING UNTIL I CAN BUY THEM WITHOUT SELLING A KIDNEY.
-Day 95.- . I have to warn you guys that I had another one of those super craptacular days that makes me grind my teeth while smacking my forehead. . I don't know why I don't heed the signs that tell me I should just turn my happy ass around and go back home to hide under my bed. . So... some bloggers have weekly things they do like Wordless Wednesdays (Offended Blogger-jean knee) Everyone Can Bite Me Fridays (Suzy) and Silly Saturdays (NCS). I decided to do my own. Mine will be "FUCK OFF FRIDAYS ON A SATURDAY!" now you know to avoid me on Saturdays if you're pure of heart. . I don't want to relive my whole sucky-ass-fucken day so I'll just give you the highlights. -To the victim that decided he wanted to cross in the middle of the street, right in front of my car, while I was doing 30 miles an hour and then got mad when I didn't stop making him have to wait therefore flipping me off, FUCK OFF! I'm in a 20 ton vehicle ya' bastard! . -To the patient who was in the waiting room that decided to take out his frustrations on having a small dick by swearing at me (while I was watching the desk for a minute) because the doctor was half an hour late, FUCK OFF!! I know I pretty much said that to your face when I told you to 'sit down or leave!' but now I'm telling the interworldwideweb about your lack of balls. How do you like me now asshole?? . -To the attorney who sent payment on an account minus a few zeros and told OZ that's what I had agreed to, FUCK OFF! Who do you think he's going to believe? I hope you liked getting sandbagged when he put you on a conference call without telling you I was sitting next to him, listening. Surprise! How did it make you feel when OZ asked 'Are you speaking the truth or should we call the disciplinary board and report this as fraud?' Ha ha! You didn't count on him being crazier than I am, did ya'! So sad for you scumbag! . . .
I'm not done but I'm tired so I'll just let the hate fester inside of me and marinate until I explode another day. . No need to try to make me feel better cuz I'm just venting. I'm sure I'll be aces later. . You know, I changed my mind. Please make me feel better by clicking on Humor-Blogs.
P.S. The one highlight was when I was driving home and had my windows and sun-roof open, listening to my tires crunch on gravel. Spring is here!
