Wednesday, March 23, 2011

3 Scoops of crazy


So, yesterday was a quiet day at the Asylum. OZ is on vaca which means no Tinman, patients or URGENT ISSUES THAT NEED TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF YESTERDAY. Cowardly Lion took a vacation day too so it was just Milton, Glynda, Scarecrow and I in the office. I didn’t think anything could possibly go wrong or “Asylum-y” because how much can happen when there are only FOUR people in the office?


Milton: I was going to make coffee but I realized you were the only coffee drinker in today. [pause] [clears throat] [stares at me]

Me: And?

Milton: Well, I was wondering if you just wanted to walk to the gas station [clears throat] and buy yourself a coffee instead of me making a [clears throat] whole pot just for you.

Me: So, instead of having free coffee that doesn’t involve me leaving the office, you want me to trudge through the mud and pay for my coffee? No. I think I’ll go with option easy and have the office coffee. I can make the coffee if it’s too much trouble!

Milton: No, it’s not just that. I don’t see why we should make a whole pot when you’ll only have about 2 cups. [pause] [clears throat] [stares some more]

Me: Uh, can you just make 4 cups instead of 12?

Milton: Would you drink all 4 cups? [sits down and fires up her electronic calculator] Because I guess I can figure out how many scoops I’d have to use for 4 cups. [calculator noises] If we normally use 3 scoops for 12 cups [calculator noises] are you sure you can drink all 4 cups [calculator noises] because I can make 2 cups [calculator noises] after I figure out how many scoops I’d need for 4 cups [calculator paper feed noise]

… in the meantime, I had written down a big number *ONE* on a piece of paper and was waiting patiently for her to turn around…

Milton: I would have to use one scoop for 4 cups…

I flashed her the big number ONE I had written down.

Milton: If you knew that, why didn’t you tell me!

Me: you didn’t give me a chance!

Milton: I’ll just make half a scoop worth of coffee so it won’t go to waste.

Me: Will you make all 4 cups if I promise to lick every single drop out of the coffee pot? Even the condensation from the steam on the top of the machine?

Milton: There’s no call for such exaggeration!

Me: I’ll even squeeze all the liquid out of the coffee grounds.

Milton: Hurmpf! [stalks out of the room to make coffee]

I’ll be honest, at that point, I was over the need for coffee since I had just gotten my Asylum wake up call. What I really wanted was a big steaming cup of GETMETHEHELLOUTTAHERE!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

According to research*, all Venus needs is big boobs and Mars will follow her even if she has 3 nostrils and no teeth.

*And by “research” I mean stuff I made up.

“The other day”, I was watching Legally Blond while Andy was on is computer, as I’ve mentioned before, his computer is now in the common area because his brother moved in with us. Remember him? The new guy I have to be constantly picking up after? Oh yeah, did I mention he’s 29?? BUT I’M NOT BITTER!!

::deep breath::

As I was watching one of my favorite movies of all time (for reasons I still don’t understand)(why it’s my favorite movie, I mean), the scene where Reese Witherspoon is getting a manicure came on and Andy yelled out “Oh Stifler’s Mom, what has become of you!” and he sounded sad.

legally blond

So I said '”what are you talking about? She looks the same!” and then Andy came to her defense in a manner I’ve never seen him come to my defense like ever.

“No way, Bee! She was hot!”

Me: Uh, no. She never was. She had big boobs but she looks the same as always.

Andy: You know what? Women can’t admit when another woman is hot.

Me: I disagree.
scarletjohansen Very HOT!

Andy: You know what, if you had a penis you would understand.

Oh. Okay. This is Stifler’s mom back when she was “hot”

All I see is big boobs and botox… but then again, I don’t have the intelligent, magical penis that enlightens all.

I just saw a commercial for Hooters on my TV. Ladies, we have to take control! We are making great progress when it comes to movies
beastly111 Beastly
but why is it that all the men in commercials have beer guts and look like Don Rickles. donrickles111
I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he’s definitely not they type of guy I dream of (see picture above the Rickles dude). I’m not saying they should remove the hot chicks from commercials but I’d like some equality, please.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

So the other day…

(That’s how all my posts are going to start when I’m gonna write about something that happened a while ago.)

So, the other day I walked my niece Natalia to school and took Mocha with me. As some of you may know, our dogs are not what the snooty Dog Show people would call classically beautiful

Tazz looking high:

tazz high

Mocha looking like she was cross bread with a bear and a ferret:

mocha on two legs 

But they’re our 2 little freaks and we love ‘em. This means that nobody else can talk smack about them without angering the beast within me. Which brings me to “the other day’.

As we walked through the school playground, a group of what I can only assuming are 5th graders (because they were bigger than a bread box) came to check out the doggie. I was met “Awws” and “here doggie” but then I heard one of the little shits say (sorry, I’m not a kid person) “Ewww! What an ugly dog!” and so I got closer and asked the group “Would you guys like to pet her?” and they all came over and petted her but when the obnoxious, no good, bad seed, bent down to pet her, I pointed at him, shook my finger and said, “Not you. You said she was ugly.” and he looked at me with his little beedy eyes and then ran off.

Now I ask ya’ do I give new meaning to the phrase “Stranger danger”?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What? What? I’ve got a post up?

Hi. My name is Bee and it’s been about a month and somethin’ since my last post.

You know what my problem is? I want to be all cool and smooth in my posts and then I read them and then I think “LAME” and scrap the whole thing. I’m gonna go old school this time around and just sit here, type and see what happens.

Oh yeah, my blog was sort of hacked while on hiatus and since I’m as clueless as a penguin changing a diaper when it comes to THE CODE, the few of you reading this will have to bear with me.

Also, the other day I was about to eat a banana (mind out of the gutter, people!) when I noticed it had a little sticker I didn’t recognize (being a connoisseur of the Chiquita bananas, I notice these things) I looked closely and saw it was an ad for the movie Rio.

chiquita banana

What’s next? Vampire movies are gonna advertise on tampons?

Too much?

Okay, I guess that’s enough for today.