A rambling ♫musical♫ Sunday.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me.

He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"

Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)

Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding?
We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd recorded.
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I enjoyed the history lessons given to me by the Metal icons I worshipped in my youth (still do, if you want to know the truth). What I did NOT enjoy was seeing those same Metal icons old and decrepit.
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I did not enjoy Twisted Sister's front man, Dee Snider, showing me how he exercised his vocal chords by singing Ave Maria. His voice still rocks but he made my ears cringe with his Aaaave Maaarrrriiiiiiaaaa.

Speaking of weird, why is it that every time I hear Suzie Q by CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival, Brian!) I want to get up and do a go-go dance??
If I'm alone (the dogs don't count), I will, but if there is anybody else in the room, I just do a half body jam. (I wish I could tell you I look hot doing it but I just resemble Forest Gump dancing to Sweet Home Alabama.)

How much does John Fogerty rock?? One of my all time favorites is "Have you ever seen the rain?"


When I went to YouTube to embed this video, it pulled up related videos. Please click on this screen print and tell me WHAT the first one listed has in common with my beloved CCR!?!? (okay, for some reason you can't click on the picture but you can still make out the title)

I mean, yes, they screwed John Fogerty out of the songs HE wrote but I don't think they did it literally (I hope)!

How did I go from Metal to CCR? I decided to update my iTunes. So now you're going to be treated to the soundtrack of my Sunday.
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During our preparation of dinner, Regina Spektor and Alexz Johnson (AJ courtesy of brother Dan because he loves listening to teeny bopper music and METAL, he is sooo weird).
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I went to grill the meat while Andy made the rice and cornbread. I had to give him a pep talk on the whole cornbread making thing because the instructions on the box said to "grease a muffin pan" and he went to pieces because we don't have a muffin pan.
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I told him to pull it together! We are the Cor-Ruts and we DO NOT let small things like muffin pans defeat us! A casserole dish will just have to do!
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While I was outside grilling our pork chops to perfection, I was listening to the musical stylings of Bob Dylan thanks to neighbor Boomhauer and his posse of happy go lucky drunks.
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Our dinner music consisted of Maná with our conversation centered on talks of how big the pork chops were, how I was happy he didn't give up on the cornbread and how we would have leftovers for tomorrow. This is what happens after SEVEN LONG years of marriage.

A meal just tastes better with a side of grilled onions!MMMMMM SO kissable!
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Then he excused himself from kitchen duty and went back to his dungeon. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with my beloved husband.

Thankfully, he doesn't do this often otherwise I'd never get anything done! ;o)

Humor-Blogs, it's what's for dinner.

Happy in marriage happy online. (OR REVERSED)

Oh my gawd you guys!!!

I just noticed one of my arms is darker than the other!

I know what you’re thinking “Big deal it happens to everybody!”

No. Not like this!

One arm looks like I’m Erik Estrada’s long lost sister (in his Ponch days) and the other one looks like I bought it off of Christina Ricci’s stolen appendages store (look for it on Ebay)!

Oh well. Enough melodrama.

I want to thank all of y’all rockin’ readers that voted for me at H-B. You guys are the monkey’s banana-ass!



Also, I feel like a total star cuz I got the FIRST EVER (in the history of H-B) SAD FACE from an asswipe by the name of “Caleb”. That makes me feel like Angelina Jolie’s better looking sister. So, even though Caleb is not his real name, his asshole-ness is real enough. (But I’m not bitter)
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FUCKER!
Moving on.
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I've been complaining to Andy about my laptop being s l o w for a while but he's been so busy saving the world from 3 legged Orcs that my issues have not been his top priority.

I got sick and tired of looking at porn blogs while the freakin' thing dragged so I told him, he fixes it or I leave him. Weirdly, this threat worked! Who knew he'd want me around?

Anyway, Andy and I make up the perfect couple. I'm savvy when it comes to html (sort of) and downloads and up loads and shit loads but he's good at maintaining viruses and spy stuff off our computers.

This was our conversation today:

Andy:
Bee! I want to send you a video, how do I do it?

Bee:
Embed it and email it to me.

Andy:
Wah??

Bee:
Click where it says embed. Hit copy. Open your e-mail. Why are you clicking on my name once and just staring? Either hit create or double click! Okay now type something and then click on the insert hyperlink. No, not there! There! Okay now control V. Okay send.
Easy right?
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Later, when he's diagnosing my laptop.
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Andy:
How many times have you defragglerocked the thrombosis?

Bee:
Dewhat the what now?

Andy:
You've got to dehootermuhfy the dagibagib.

Bee:
You know what? How about you just do it and we be done with it?
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What I'm trying to say is, I am now reading your blogs at the speed of light thanks to my defragglerockzation!

Later chivatos!
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Andy? Can I go to the movies with my sister? It starts at 9pm. Just Nancy and I. No, we're not going to a bar. Just a movie. We're going to see Get Smart. I know it'll let out late and it'll be passed my bedtime but- ... Oh come on! We're not gonna go trolling for dudes! She JUST had a baby and I'm kind of attached to you!
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Hey!

Are you guys still here eavesdropping?? Go home already! (yes, he did *let* me go)

They can call me Popeye-ette. Like Smurfette only in fisherman language.

I felt like regurgitated dog shit on Sunday (I wish I could say it was from partying over the weekend but sadly it wasn't) so I spent my day indoors watching a Deadliest Catch marathon.

I was bragging to Andy telling him how I could be a fisherwoman*.
How I could haul those pods and bait them, then drop them back in, count out the pinchy crabbers with their long ass legs. I could withstand 20 foot waves and freezing temperatures. I definitely would be an ace at breaking ice off the rails and winches (I think that's a real thing).

Andy told me to go for it since it's seasonal and I can make tons of money while still keeping my job at the Asylum. He'd like to be a stay-at-home-husband with curlers in his hair and just emerge from his dungeon to use the bathroom.
I was going to start packing up my stuff and look up plane tickets -I WAS PUMPED!!- but then I remembered I have rusty-old-shoulder-syndrome that prevents me lifting anything over 15 lbs...

DAMNIT!! I really wanted to go!!

Oh well, it's probably for the best considering I get hysterical when I'm on a boat and can't see land.

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Okay. Some of you are wondering what is going on with Humor-Blogs. You're currently thinking "Bee, I want you to be on top but I'm not sure how to get you there!"

Well my compadres, I appreciate your support but there are a couple of glitches in your plan to propel me to super-stardom (don't worry, I'm already there IN MY HEAD).

First, you have to sign up for Humor-Blogs.
What? You don't have a blog and/or you don't want to add your blog to H-B? Don't worry my friends, you don't have to. Just sign up and click on the "Just want to rate blogs" thingamajig then you'll be half way there!

Next, you have to click on the laughing face just beneath the title of my post once you're at Humor-Blogs.
THE LAUGHING FACE.

If you click on the smiling one, your point will NOT count. It has to be the LAUGHING one. If you click on the sad face, you will be detracting points from me and I've already threatened people, world wide, on the foolishness of inciting my wrath.

Are you confused? Me too!
Voting for me is entirely up to you, I won't ban you if you don't. ;o)
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*Spellcheck is telling me there is no such thing as a fisherwoman but they are suggesting WASHERWOMAN... it figures that spellcheck would be a MAN!

Killing Bee's Big Dick Is An Impossibility.

I need to know who was the wise guy?
Who typed in "Bee's big dick" into Google?? You must have liked what you saw cuz you stayed for almost 6 minutes.
That's my own personal record you know, 6 minutes...

click on image to enlarge, don't worry, it won't take you to Humor-Blogs ..
Then the next one was "having dreams of trying to kill a bee" what the hell have I done to deserve that??
click on image to enlarge, don't worry, it won't take you to Humor-Blogs
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I recently checked my seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com email and I gotta say there's a lot of haters out there. A lot. Some lovers but way too many haters. More on that later.

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If you're a hater and love to spew stuff, SERIOUSLYWHOGIVESACARP@GMAIL.COM I'll be waiting!

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Also, stay tuned for a post on the Fourth of July titled "Be forewarned British people, Fourth of July is coming to a blog near you!" (umm... sorry Brian.)(sort of).

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P.S.

Bees don't have peniseses (or is it peni?) they have PEANUTS!

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P.P.S.

It's only a matter time before I'm knocked off the front page of Humor-Blogs and I want to thank all my faithful clickers for taking the time and clicking for yours truly. If there's anything I can do for you by way of monetary compensation, please fill out a W-2 form (with your SS#) and send to my attention.

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...

I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!

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My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?

The mystery of the deflated ass cactus. + Weekend at the movies.

Oh my gawd you guys!! Do you remember my butt cactus???

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Now it looks like this:
My ass has deflated!! I don't know how or why, all I know is that my cheeks are droopy! Andy said he knew something was wrong when the little butt bone shriveled.

My weekend was great until this tragedy hit my household. We made an emergency run to the place I bought it but they didn't have any more. How sad for me!

Don't worry about me, I'll keep looking for a replacement...

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Enough about me.

The hubs and I went to see 2 movies this weekend.

We saw Get Smart on Saturday morning and as is our tradition we went to the first show. The place was packed so we were unable to park our butts in the middle seats of the back row. That sucked but what can you do?
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I give the movie 2 drunk bees for Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson and half a drunk bee for making me giggle a little.

Would I recommend that you go see it and pay $10 (we paid $5 because we went to the old fogies show)? Nah, wait for it to come out on video. Unless you're a Rock fan and want to see his beautiful smile. Soooo dreamy...
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Khrm! Anyway.
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On Sunday morning we saw The Hulk. We were able to get the cool seats in the back so all was right with the world. I give this movie 3 drunk bees.

HOWEVER! I only recommend you go see it if you're a comic book fan (or married to one).
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Speaking of comic book fans. All the peeps living in the Chicagoland area, remember that Wizard World is next weekend.

Normally, I would throw myself on the floor while kicking and screaming saying things like "Why?? Why must you torture me so??"
This year? I'm dying to go so I can take pictures of GROWN MEN wearing neon yellow spandex outfits and share them with the world!

But! The one year I want to go and Andy is all "No, I don't think I want to go this year."

Not only is he trying to kill me but he's trying to suck all the joy out of my life! Then he said something about how he refuses to provide me with any more blog fodder.

I might just have to start looking for a replacement Andy soon.

That's all I have for today folks. If you were traumatized by the deflated ass cheeks pictured above, make sure you click on Humor-Blogs so you can get that image out of your head.

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P.S.

Don't ask me for the recipe to deflate butts because I have no idea how it happened.

Confessions of a Bored House Frau (and by Frau, I mean COOL CHICK)

So... all of y'all know Mother Nature and I have been sparing for months now, right? I mean, sometimes she beats that crap out of me and sometimes I... well, let's just say I use my freakin' aerosol hairspray to screw with her mood a little. No, I'm just kidding. I just use the hairspray to paralyze spiders the size of small dogs.

Anyway, I had big plans for today. BIG! I was going to do some patio/yard work, then gardening (there is a difference, one is cleaning up A MILLION PINE NEEDLES and other weird tree crap, killing weeds, pulling weed TREES, spraying my beautiful plants so that the gawt damn GREEN BUGS stop making salads out of them and the other is planting more flowers), grill our dinner and pressure Andy into mowing the lawn, maybe catch a movie...

INSTEAD!

Mother Nature decided to send our county a tornado. With apocalyptic rain. Luckily, it didn't come near us and the cable and Internet were okay.

When the rain calmed down a little, I went to put my steak and Andy's salmon on the grill. I figured I'd be okay, it's only a little water (contrary to popular belief, witches DO NOT MELT IN WATER you'll have to think of something else). I was able to flip them once but when it was time to go get them, it was as if someone was dumping an endless bucket of water over my freakin patio!
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What to do? I don't mind my steak well done but I'm not really sure about the salmon (not liking seafood makes me think it'll taste like crap no matter what) so I should get it as soon as possible, no time to wait for the rain to stop.

I couldn't have been out there for more than 1 minute and came back into the house leaving mini oceans in my wake!

When my hair finally dried, it looked like I'd stuck my finger in a light socket thanks to the humidity.

BUT! MY POINT FOR THIS POST IS... We were so unbelievably bored!

How bored were we?

Well, Andy decided to stand by my desk chair, pull his T-Shirt over my head WHILE HE WAS WEARING IT and started saying "Look! I'm preeeeegnant!" somebody send me a straight jacket!

He finally went back to his dungeon and I flipped the channel to The Osmond's 50th reunion. Yeah, you read that right. Don't worry, I changed the channel after Donny Osmond sang "Puppy Love".

What do you do when your house is clean, can't go outside, you can't leave the house because the annoying Emergency Announcement keeps telling you to abandon your car if you're out and about since the tornado might send you AND your car somewhere unpleasant like... Kansas??

I'll tell you what you do. You shift around on your uncomfortable leather sofas, constantly getting Indian burns from your skin sticking to the damn leather!

I went to look through our movie library but couldn't find anything I wanted to watch and finally settled on season 3 of Friends. You know what? They still crack me up!

So there you have it. A long boring post because of a BORING SATURDAY.
Please please let tomorrow be better! I'm hoping the words "I need to go back to work!" never pass through my lips.

It's IMPOSSIBLE to be bored @ Humor-Blogs so click and laugh!

That hamster did NOT just come out of there! Did it?

So...

I know I promised you guys a hilarious post about do it yourself home security but you'll just have to be disappointed. Let this be your lesson on how you don't always get what you want! ;o)

Anyway, instead I'd like you to be witness to another conversation between two people who have been married way too long (7 LONG YEARS!!)

The other night, Andy and I were getting ready for bed when he shocked the hell outta me with the following question:

Andy:
Bee, do you want to read my comic book about a hero who comes back to life to look for his rectal hamster?

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Now, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I'm not really used to hearing sentences like that right before I go to sleep. Over lunch, maybe, but not right before going to sleep.
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Being the lady that I am:
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Bee:
What the hell are you talking about now???
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He then told me about a comic book called "The boys".
A comic book that spoofs superheros and there is this one story line where one of them kills another hero.
After the hero dies, a hamster comes out of his butt and the one that's alive takes him and keeps him as his ::gag:: pet ::blech!::.

This left me pondering 2 things.

1) What the hell happened to Little Lulu and Archie??? Now they have comics that show pantless hero zombies looking for their rectal hamsters???? Is this how comic books evolved?? Will I ever be able to remove the nail polish I spilt on the vanity sink?

The Boys

2) Have Andy and I exhausted all other topics of conversations that we are now doomed to live in the comic book world???

Noooo! Please no! Somebody throw me a civilized topic over here!

That's all for today folks!

Well, one more thing. Can you please click on Humor-Blogs for me so that I can stay between 15 and 20. I'm easy to please, middle is just fine by me (that's what she said!)! :o)

Come back! Ya' hear??

Okay. I don't have an actual post for today but I want you guys to come back tomorrow (Friday) (if you're reading this Wednesday night, by tomorrow I meant from Thursday) for a special collaboration post between me and my Andy.

The name of the post is "Do it yourself home security, when monkeys with knives ATTACK!!"

AAAAAH! (I'm running scared)

QUOTE OF THE DAY!
"We don't have allot of money. All we have are our friends and our dancing." A dancer on "So you think you can dance." Then the dude cried and I laughed.
I HAVE NO SOUL!

Speed. The dangers of the elderly pushing their geriatric hips to their limit.

You know what cracks me up? (Besides monkeys dressed as people I mean, but I'm sure that makes everybody laugh.


Ha ha Ha!! See? Funny! An-y-way! Back to things that crack me up.)
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People who walk AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in an office environment.

Our office is a decent size with a big reception/waiting room area, 8 exam rooms, then there are the physicians’ offices plus 2 chart rooms, kitchen and a bathroom (I’ve never talked about THAT bathroom because I hardly use it and prefer to go out to the one in the main lobby. Why? you ask, because I went in to use it once and one of the doctors hadn’t flushed which made me gag and… blech!) are towards the back.

You with me? My point here is that no matter how big the office is, you do not need to be rushing about the place like you’re trying to win the 100 yard dash and the prize is a shiny new nickel.

If I have to plaster myself to the wall and then fix my hair after you’ve sped by me, leaving a weird back draft of wind, well, you need to adjust your meds.
AND! If you think I’m going to move my butt faster just because you’re on my heels? The exact OPPOSITE will happen. All of a sudden I’ll be looking for hidden images on the walls or the carpet or the ceiling “ooh! look at that! It looks just like Ghostface from Scream!!”

All in all, this is my way of telling you “Slow the hell down Speedy Gonzalez!”

The 3 feet you walk to the copy machine will not burn 20 pounds of fat off your body. It just won't.
There are no emergencies in our office, except that one time Scarecrow started pushing a wheelchair before the patient had a chance to place his feet on the foot holder things.
No emergencies = no need to power walk with your ass up in the air. Unless that's your signature walk, in that case you have other issues.

Okay, so it doesn’t so much crack me up as make me want to beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk. Just another thing I guess.
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Do you remember this post? Where I wanted people to stop calling me the mother of my dogs?

Now we're on the flip side.

Anonymous dummy:
"What are you getting Andy for Father's Day?"

Fed Up Cool Girl:
"If Andy is a dad, I'm getting him a coffin"

Anonymous dummy #2:
"No silly, from the dogs."

Still fed up cool girl:
"Why do you insist on making these bestiality accusations? My Andy would never get it on with a dog!"

Hopefully word will travel and people will stop their fuckin' questions!

You know where there are allot of quick walking motherfathers? Humor-Blogs.
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On a completely different subject, this here message is for NCS. Her B-Day is 5/28/08. if you're not NCS, don't read it okay? It's secrety and private.

Feliz Cumpleaños Chica Feliz!!! Mucho gusto en conocerte!

P.S.
How does one become addicted to Orbit Mojito flavor gum?? I nearly ripped my desk drawer out when I couldn't find the last piece of gum I had left.

I had to stand back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself gum was NOT worth dying for, coffee on the other hand...

P.P.S.
Stay tuned for my next post where the curse of the laundromat continues. It's a doozy!

Dasani (a product of THE Coca Cola Company) oh how you have let me down!

Saintly Dasani Bottle
I don’t want to be rude and say “Fuck you, you piece of shit!” before explaining why I am so unbelievably aggravated with you and hoping you'll change.

You are my favorite brand of water because you taste less like chemicals and more like nothing. That’s right NOTHING. I like that in my water.

I’ve had the pleasure of drinking you for years now and you’ve always quenched my thirst.

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HOWEVER!

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It would be nice to be able to open the damn bottle without having to use my teeth!
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.

Evil Dasani Bottle
I beg you now to go to the numb-nuts that designed your bottle and throw yourself at their mercy. Ask them to take pity on the proud women who do not like to ask the men in their lives to open a bottle for them thereby confirming what they believe, that we're poor helpless females.

Let them know my dentist charges too much money for teeth transplants so that would be out of the question.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.

Any assitance you can provide will be appreciated!

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P.S.

If anybody tells me Dasani is tap water. I know it! But it's tap water that doesn't TATSE like tap water! It taste liek NOTHING.

Please save my sanity by clicking on Humor-Blogs, thanks!

I am so a fuckin trendsetter you ignorant douche that questioned why I wore one black shoe and one brown!!

Okay I um… accidentally wore 2 different colored shoes to work. It was cloudy this morning therefore my house was pitch black (or brown I obviously can’t tell the difference) and my electrician husband doesn’t believe in having working lights in our house. I kid I kid. His logic is that if he can’t afford, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, the expensive 5 million dollar designer lights, then we shall just walk around bumping into furniture and –ahem– wearing the same style shoes in different colors.

Of course, being unable to see is not always my excuse. One time I wore two different styles of shoes to Nancy’s ultrasound both black but one was lace up and the other was a slip on. Another time I wore one red sandal and one brown one but my sister stopped me at the door before I left for work and questioned my sanity.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing these humiliating errors. Or maybe I should stop buying the same style of shoes in different colors?

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My first day back at work after 4 days off was as shitacular as all Mondays are proving to be.

I turned in my Authorization Note which said something like ‘without my driver’s license I cannot buy the liquor I so desperately need to ♫☼♪ forget all my troubles and go DOWNTOWN♫☼♪’ Glynda laughed her head off but Milton made this face:



I then removed 5 million charts from my chair and put up a *do not resuscitate* sign on my desk.
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Speaking of signs, I found this one on NCS’ blog and I had to steal it! I went to her blog, snuck up on it from the side (they never expect you to sneak up on the side, they always expect an attack from the front and the back but never the side) (I’m the exception. I expect attacks from the front, back sides, top, bottom, crisscross… I’m always prepared so don’t even TRY it!) clicked on it, saved it and posted it here.

Danger. Do Not Touch. Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying.

It’s perfect! Everything I’ve always wanted to say about myself in 3 short sentences. Add to it that I’m also always grimacing and we’re set to move on with our lives.

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Here is a special Happy Birthday wish to my friend the great Elastic Woman.

Some theories on why she was born in a snow storm.

-She was hot even back then so they needed to bring down the temp in the hospital.
-She arrived in a flaming space vessel along with another dude who got all the attention just because he was made of steel or something and could see through clothes and jumped over tall buildings because he was a manic moron. They never told you about her super powers.

She is able to cook in a far away place and leave you wishing you could eat your computer screen. She can single handedly make you laugh at euphemisms you thought only existed in other worlds. She can shake you loose from bad moods and slap them across the face while they’re exiting your body with a warning never to return.

She can give birth at home then cook a mean dewberry cobbler concoction WITH REAL DEWBERRIES!

Most importantly of all, she has great taste in friends...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELASTIC... AND MANY MORE!!!

P.S.

Please click on Humor-Blogs. Thank you!

After reading this post, I've decided I might be a little bored.

While vegging on the couch today, I saw a commercial for some match.com thing where a man and a woman were saying their fake vows and the woman says "I vow never to wear flannel pajamas"
I have to admit to rewinding that part to make sure I heard right (I am, after all, recovering from a vicious head injury)(I have the mother of all bumps on the top of my head!).
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What the heck is wrong with flannel? The nights can be freakin' cold and anybody who would give up flannel for a GUY needs to have their head examined since they're breaking the laws (and hearts) of the feminist movement!
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(Yeah, it was a slow and cold Sunday over at the beehive)
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I've gotten a couple of requests for more details and pictures of the BS that took place on Saturday.
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Being the brain donor I am, I forgot to take pictures besides the one I posted and I really don't know what games were played other than that one where they drew the penis headed people. I was busy grilling burgies and doggies for the hungry crowd. When I was done grilling, I helped my sister open up gifts then I had to practically hold someone's hand because they couldn't figure out how to get to our house (THEY WERE ONE BLOCK AWAY) (AND 3 HOURS LATE). I think I did have time to eat a hot dog but nobody needs to hear That story.
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There was this one *guest* who I warned about Tazzer the Ferocious and she kept saying "Oh no, all dogs love me because they know I'm a dog lover" I told her not to be fooled by his cuteness because many have and he's walked away with their fingers. She kept going on and on about how he would love her and I finally had to snap at her "NO! He needs to come out to pee but don't TOUCH HIM!" If it weren't for the fact that any moron can hire a lawyer, I'd let them see for themselves just how psychotic Tazz can be.

Okay, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Yip. EE.
I have more reason to dread the Bats than ever since I heard on the news they might be rabid.
Per channel 2 news report:
Rabid Bat Warning Has Lake Co. Residents On Alert
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People living in Lake county were out and about enjoying the weather Friday, but county health officials say they're not the only ones. Bats also seem to like the spring and summer months, and because of that, health officials are asking people to be aware of bats acting strangely, which could be an sign that a bat has rabies. "People should look out for bats that are flying around during the daytime, bats that are on the ground. That's very unusual behavior for bats," said Mike Adam of the Lake County Health Dept.

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I knew they were rabid all along but people kept telling me I was exaggerating.

P.S.
I just remembered something from the BS. I forgot we would need a cake until the day before so when we went to Costco, I bought the only one that didn't say happy birthday. It was a wedding cake but we pink'd it all up with frosting, rattles, and pacifiers. It came out so good people were asking where it had been decorated.
We are a bunch of multi-talented ladies!

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance...

I don't know if you're aware but everybody in my immediate family is born in October. (If you didn't know, now you do and you can file it in the Bee Trivia notebook you have for when I do sell my game.)
My 3 brothers, my sister and my Andy where all born in the same month.
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It's really hard to get them birthday gifts since Christmas is so close and... well, I'm cheap.
No, I'm not cheap. I just don't like spending money on anyone other than myself.
I deserve it, you know?
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Anyway.
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This year, I will buy them something special.
I found the perfect gift for all 5 of them.
My macho brothers, my sensitive hubby, my wacky sister, they will all love their gift!
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I found out.
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That.
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New Kids On The Block will be in Chicago on October 4th!!!


All five of them will be holding hands, singing along to 'Step by Step', 'Hangin' Tough', 'You got it (The Right Stuff)' and of course Jordan Knight's high pitched 'I'll be loving you (forever)'(and by all 5, I meant my family but I'm sure NKOTB will hold hands too)


I know what you're thinking "Bee, no way could you be a bad ass and have been a NKOTB groupie at the same time!"
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Well I wasn't their groupie!
I thought their music was sappy and stupid and was all about GnR, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Metallica etc. and then Grunge. So I went from Hair Bands to unwashed bands but I was not a NKOTB chick.
Ignore anybody that tells you I had a Jordan Knight poster because they're probably on crack!
Did you guys see him on The Surreal Life 3? What a douche!
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So, yeah. I don't know if I'll also give them money to buy themselves a T-Shirt. Probably not.
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Humor-Blogs is giving away free NKOTB tickets so click on the link.

P.S.
Thanks to everybody who took my side on the whole Cheetos controversy. Go out, buy yourselves a bag and send Andy the bill.
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********Disclaimer!
Bee is not responsible for what she types on her posts. She is usually lying and will not be buying anybody, anything, ever, so don't get your hopes up.
She is not lying about NKOTB sucking ass and her love of Metal and Grunge. That part is true. She also thinks you guys pay way too much attention to the fine print. Doesn't it hurt your eyes? Did you click on humor-blogs? Why not?? Do you want to see my cry? Is that it? Why am I friends with you if all you do is torture me so??

Is that bird mocking me??? I'll clip its pecker!

Hope you enjoyed your Cinco, I know I did (Do you see that Crazy Ez? THAT IS A CORONA!)

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So…

I’m trying something new where I’m always on time for work. I know what you're thinking "What? Shouldn't you be at work on time?" For which I answer "You live your life your way, THE UNFUN WAY and I'll live my life my way, THE COOL GIRLS ARE NEVER ON TIME way'

So far, out of the 4 days I’ve attempted this drastic change to my natural habit of always being late, I’m 0 for 4.

I get up reasonably early at 6:40. I start at 8 and it takes me 5 minutes to get to work. How can this be such an impossibility for me?? I should be able to shower, change, lacquer my face, style my hair, take the dogs out, grab my lunch, bring the dogs inside and leave! I know there are working moms out there that have to do way more than that and manage to be at work on time! What is my malfunction??

I really want to know!

Don’t tell me to wake up at an ungodly hour like 6:15 or something foolish because I’ve tried that! The earlier I’ve gotten up the more things I think I can do before I leave for work.

This morning alone is a perfect example. When I finished doing all that goes along in perfecting my look, I looked at the time and it was 7:50- perfect! I ran out of the bathroom, took the dogs out, grabbed my lunch stuff, went to get the dogs but Mocha was too busy chasing a friggin bird! I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to chase an unruly dog around in heels trying not to scuff ‘em but it’s:
a) not a pretty sight
b) nearly impossible to catch the wiley little bitch when she thinks you’re playing c) sad that you’re cool shoes are now wet from the dew (I hope it was dew and not dog piss !!! )

I don’t know about you but I’m not used to birds teasing my pets. For a minute there, I thought I might be in a cartoon where the bird is the hero and we (the damn nutty dog and I) are the screw up chumps!

NEEDLESS TO SAY!! I punched in at 8:12. Not too bad I guess since my worst time is 8:47 but my best time in those 4 days was 8:06. I'll try again tomorrow…

When I got to work and was discussing with Glynda some of the business from the Friday meeting (she seems to be over my little power coupe) she mentioned she’d been watching Zorro and realized I look like Catherine Zeta Jones.

First my face went like this (picture it mouth open and shocked)

Next my face went like this (picture it blushing, we have established I blush at the drop of a penny)

Then my face went like this (picture it skeptical, raised eyebrows looking exceptionally quizzically)

Lastly my face went like this (picture it nodding in understanding)

I think she needs glasses. It’s about that time for her when her eyesight goes all wonky. The reason I know this is because if I did have a double, it would be Drew Barrymore since that's what the Internet gods told me but you be the judge.

EXCEPT DAN! He has always said I look like Lars Ulrich when his hair was long. I remember the first time he said that to me. We were sitting in the food court at Lincolnwood Mall and he had just bought their new CD. You see how much it traumatized me?? I remember every detail! I cried into my pillow that night. I cried because of the meanness that surrounds my noble soul when all it desires is goodwill to all mankind!!

Anyway, here you go:





P.S.

I'm always on time for fun stuff. Movies, free food, free booze. FIRST ONE THERE!


P.P.S.
I personally don't think I look like any of them and am my own unique person. Okay, maybe I do look like Lars. (picture my face sad and crying... again) I'll stop if you click on Humor-Blogs for me!

I need to buy myself a magnetic suit.

The hubs and I went to see Iron Man.
I loved it!
I'm not a professional movie reviewer so don't get all pissy with me if you saw/see it and didn't/don't like it.

I've been a fan of Robert Downey Jr. since forever and always hoped he'd get his acting life back on the right track. He has a way of delivering lines with such a dry sense of humor... and looks cute doing it.

Being married to a comic book gee- uh... hmmm... (shaking my head around trying to dislodge the right word... oh!) comic book EXPERT, I've been lucky enough to hear all about every comic book character ever invented. He made me watch the Captain America & The Avengers animated movie where I first *met* Tony Stark/Iron Man and when I saw the previews for the movie, I was super excited they picked RDJ.


I hope they make a sequel since even Gwyneth Paltrow (not a fan) was okay.



I wonder if this guy was their first choice but he had a prior commitment. Too bad cuz he is so hot!



One of the previews we saw was another comic book made into a movie called The Spirit. I don't know anything about it now but I'm sure I'll be given all details about who created it, drew it, traced it, touched it, ate it, etc. It's done by the same guy who did Sin City and 300 with the same animated style so it looks pretty cool

If you go see Iron Man, stay until the credits are over because there's one last scene.

****Make sure you don't drink too much soda or play with your cellphone while waiting for the credits to end! Andy got mad at me because the screen on Scarlett was too bright. We had a mini fight when I started playing solitaire to distract myself from my full bladder.
I said something mean WHICH I WILL NOT REPEAT OR HE WILL MURDERIZE ME and he almost left me at our friendly neighborhood movie theater to wither and die!
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Don't worry, he got back at me by letting me walk around all day with mud on my face after I cleaned out my flower beds. A regular Al and Peggy we are! Only without the children. Although, Mocha and Tazz can very well be Kelly and Bud. Mocha is ditzy and Tazz is a neutered horn dog.

I had a very fruitful gardening weekend and I'd like to give you some gardening advice they don't talk about in any gardening show I've ever seen.

I always make sure to wear granny panties, sweats that go above my waist and long T-shirts so as to avoid a full mooning of neighbors and passersby while I'm bent over pulling weeds and what not.

I wish the world would do the same for me since I DO NOT enjoy watching my neighbor Boomhauer or Wilson showing their ancient butt crack to any unlucky bastard that happens upon our street! And one unlucky cool little Bee minding her own business.

Also, don't plant Hostas! They spread like weeds and have roots the size of large trees! I fear I now have a hernia from trying to pull them up without hurting them so I could transplant them to a smaller flower bed.

I leave you to ogle my Magnolia Tree.

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P.S.
Thanks to all your clicks (willing and unwilling), I went from 17 to 15. Keep it up my legion of Humor-Blog clickers!! ;o) ***EDIT*** I'm back to #17 so let's keep on clicking on that Humor-Blog link! Thank you weary mucho!
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P.P.S.
If you're reading this on Cinco de Mayo, have a Margarita on me!