Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The compromises one makes in one's marriage will determine how well you sleep at night.

Hey, what's up? How've you been? You know what? Before you answer, let me tell you about last night. Not that I don't care about what you've been up to but this here blog is called "Bee's Musings" not "Everybody tell Bee about their lives because she really cares only she doesn't but she'll pretend to listen because she's all about being polite and shit." that title would NOT fit on the header thingie. So don't be rude and interrupt me, m'mkay?

For the past week and a half I have been completely obsessed and utterly hypnotized by a show called Dexter. There is something about watching a seemingly average, mild mannered man turn into a butchering monster and the only difference in his appearance are the shadows on his face. I have to admit I have a little bit of a crush on him.


No, I have a huge GINORMOUS crush on him. I know he's a killer and all but I know I'd be safe. After all, I'm not too much of a bad person. He wouldn't harm me just because I love making fun of people. Words don't kill people, Dexter does.


Throughout my Dexter obsession, Andy has been a trooper and just rolled his eyes every once in a while when I've dreamily sighed after Dexter has dismembered yet another bad guy. We went through the first season pretty quickly and I put the second season in our Netflix Queue faster than you can say "chainsaw" but Andy had some conditions before I could watch the next season.

Well, just ONE condition actually. I had to give in so that I could got back to my Dexter.

His condition? That we watch the movie he put on our Nextflix Queue. A movie called Bitch Slap.


This is straight from IMBD:

When three curvaceous babes, stripper Trixe, business executive Hel, and the feisty ex-con Camero, arrive at a desert hideaway to steal a stash of diamonds from an underworld kingpin, things quickly spiral out of control. Allegiances are switched, truths are revealed, criminals are unmasked and nothing is quite what it seems as the fate of the world is precariously balanced among this trio of sexy femmes fatales. Written by Anonymous (why are you hiding you horn dog?)

Well. Erm. Okay?

Bee: Uh, where did you hear about this movie?

Andy [looks away]: Uhm, I watch a lot of trailers so this was one of them and it just looked... INTERESTING Yeah! That's it! It's an action adventure film and you know how I love "action" and "adventure"!

Bee: Mmmmhm. [stares at him with her Dexter starved eyes and then shrugs] put it on. No, wait. Let me get my ice cream [because ice cream washes away all the dirty].

So we sit down and the first scene is this:


And then the girls are diggin by moving one grain of sand at a time while their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

bitchslap4 (left to right: Hel, Trixie, Camero)

Well damn! They should come help me dig my flower beds.

All that digging is making them hot, though, so they decide to cool off with a water fight. While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.


But then the girls get mad at each other because one makes out with the other so they fight! While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.


Sadly, one dies (sorry if I ruined part of the movie for you!). While her boobies nearly spill out of her top.

bitchslap3 (I think this was Andy's favorite.)

I won't ruin the end for you because I don't want you to track me down just so you can Bitch Slap me so I'll just share some of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"Camero: I'm gonna booty-bang bitch slap your fucking ass until you're just this side of salvage. Then I'm gonna ram-ride girly's show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!" --(damn, girlfriend! Do you eat cheese with that mouth?)

"Camero: Fun's over with, Gage. Next stop, brown town." --(ouchie!)

"Trixie: We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read..." --(she's the smurt one)

"Trixie: Oh, my God. You're a wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon?
Hel: Mm-hmm. My mission was retrieve that... a weaponized vial of synthetic nano-swarm that Gage hijacked from a CIA convoy. It's filled with trillions of self-replicating robo-viruses that latch onto any living organism and suck the carbon out... 'til you, me, even the cockroaches are nothing more than gray goo" --(glad she's on our side!)

"Gage: [to Trixie] You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy." --(nuff said)

When it ended, I let Andy know that the video quality wasn't bad for a B-movie and he just shrugged. I think he was upset because none of their boobies actually spilled out of their tops.

Oh well! On to Dexter, shirtless!

dexter2 dexter3


"Camero: The bitch is back!" --(Well, said my busty friend! Well said!)

Monday, September 13, 2010

It was late, I couldn't sleep and then I started hallucinating.

I saw the most ridiculous commercial!

It turns out there is a company out there that thinks we are all a bunch of morons. They are marketing a ball that they say gives you the illusion that it is defying gravity!


It seems to be a metal(looking) ball inside of a clear ball so it tricks the eye and your brain thinks "Ooh! Look pretty ball floating!"


Pfft! They're not fooling anybody! Especially not someone like me who can...

::suspenseful music::



Follow me and watch while I float a cup over my lovely assistant Andy's hand!


So now you're thinking "Well, of course you can float a plastic cup! It's very light, dontcha know!" okay you doubting Thomas!

Here we have me floating a bottle over lovely Andy's hand. A bottle with WATER still in it!


But then my lovely assistant was called into battle so I quickly had to hire my mommy, we like to keep it all in the family, to be his stand in.

Voila! Floating flyswatter!


Last but not least,

I present,



Now you are in awe and very impressed.

Yep. I'm oh so very talented. I think I inherited the talent from my great great aunt Ms. Wicked Witch.

But wait! Since I really like you guys, I'll show you how to amaze your friends and family! That's right! All you need to do is send 3 payments of $49.99 and you will be a floating sensation!

Act now operators are standing by!