I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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╠╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═
What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!
╠╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═
My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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╠╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═╦╩╬═╩╬═
::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Speed. The dangers of the elderly pushing their geriatric hips to their limit.
You know what cracks me up? (Besides monkeys dressed as people I mean, but I'm sure that makes everybody laugh.
Ha ha Ha!! See? Funny! An-y-way! Back to things that crack me up.)
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People who walk AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in an office environment.
Our office is a decent size with a big reception/waiting room area, 8 exam rooms, then there are the physicians’ offices plus 2 chart rooms, kitchen and a bathroom (I’ve never talked about THAT bathroom because I hardly use it and prefer to go out to the one in the main lobby. Why? you ask, because I went in to use it once and one of the doctors hadn’t flushed which made me gag and… blech!) are towards the back.
You with me? My point here is that no matter how big the office is, you do not need to be rushing about the place like you’re trying to win the 100 yard dash and the prize is a shiny new nickel.
If I have to plaster myself to the wall and then fix my hair after you’ve sped by me, leaving a weird back draft of wind, well, you need to adjust your meds.
AND! If you think I’m going to move my butt faster just because you’re on my heels? The exact OPPOSITE will happen. All of a sudden I’ll be looking for hidden images on the walls or the carpet or the ceiling “ooh! look at that! It looks just like Ghostface from Scream!!”
All in all, this is my way of telling you “Slow the hell down Speedy Gonzalez!”
The 3 feet you walk to the copy machine will not burn 20 pounds of fat off your body. It just won't.
There are no emergencies in our office, except that one time Scarecrow started pushing a wheelchair before the patient had a chance to place his feet on the foot holder things.
No emergencies = no need to power walk with your ass up in the air. Unless that's your signature walk, in that case you have other issues.
Okay, so it doesn’t so much crack me up as make me want to beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk. Just another thing I guess.
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Do you remember this post? Where I wanted people to stop calling me the mother of my dogs?
Now we're on the flip side.
Anonymous dummy:
"What are you getting Andy for Father's Day?"
Fed Up Cool Girl:
"If Andy is a dad, I'm getting him a coffin"
Anonymous dummy #2:
"No silly, from the dogs."
Still fed up cool girl:
"Why do you insist on making these bestiality accusations? My Andy would never get it on with a dog!"
Hopefully word will travel and people will stop their fuckin' questions!
You know where there are allot of quick walking motherfathers? Humor-Blogs.
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On a completely different subject, this here message is for NCS. Her B-Day is 5/28/08. if you're not NCS, don't read it okay? It's secrety and private.
P.S.
How does one become addicted to Orbit Mojito flavor gum?? I nearly ripped my desk drawer out when I couldn't find the last piece of gum I had left.
I had to stand back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself gum was NOT worth dying for, coffee on the other hand...
P.P.S.
Stay tuned for my next post where the curse of the laundromat continues. It's a doozy!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)
Time: 8:45
Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.
CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.
CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???
[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]
CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!
Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?
CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!
Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
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Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
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I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
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Scene Two:
I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.
Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.
CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?
Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]
CL:
Was it Mandy?
Patient:
No, more unusual.
CL:
Jan?
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I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
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Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!
I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
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And the curtain closer:
I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.
Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?
I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…
Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?
Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.
Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?
Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.
Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?
Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.
Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—
Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!
Milton:
...
I win.
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Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By George, I think I've lost it!!
More ranting.
I’m sorry. I thought I was okay but I’m obviously still festering the hate within my gut!
Glynda came in and told me OZ wants me to walk to Subway and get his fuckin' sandwich! Last I checked I wasn’t in the catering business!! I was going to say no but it’s so beautiful outside, I thought it’d be good to step out for a minute.
Right before I left I was told 3 times BY THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE that someone needed help with translating. I've said how much I love helping people that really need me. I know it goes against my cantankerous personality but I don't mind at all.
But! Having one person after another come remind me about it really pisses me off! Do you know how much they used to pay for a translator before my humble little butt worked here? $120 AN HOUR!!
If Oz made them wait too long and the translator was here for an hour and ten minutes, they'd have to pay $240 for TWO HOURS!
Here I am, cheap labor getting sandwiches and translating for peanuts! Well, not peanuts. More like almonds or cashews or whatever might be a couple of steps up above peanuts.
Don't worry, my payback was devilishly genius. I went into the exam room with the most noxious banana breath evah!
I know you're surprised at this unladylike behavior coming from me but you know my lady-ness is just an act. I spit and scratch like the rest of you!
Anyway, when I went to buy his highness his sandwich. I noticed I was wearing my very comfortable but ugly skechers. They are so old and raggedy, I couldn't even find a picture of them online!
I've decided to wear these shoes for the whole week until somebody asks me if I'm insane for wearing casual shoes to the office. Then I can respond by saying "You force me to do things like this when you send me across an empty lot full of woman eating geese that would love to have a piece of my bacon butt! I have to run as fast as my short legs will carry me across that God forsaken poop filled lot with ginormous sink holes so fuck off!"
Uh... well I won't tell them to fuck off because it's not Friday so maybe I'll say 'bugger off!' I was watching About a Boy this weekend and English people who talk American make me laugh.
Sadly, I don't think anybody will say anything to me after my outburst last week. You know what? I fear I'm becoming one of those eccentric people who walks by and gets 'hellos' but then people start talking about them once they leave saying how they used to have a brilliant mind but they had an explosion of neurons which made them go INSANE!
The only discrepancy in that theory is that I STILL have a brilliant mind. I just need to Windex it a little bit.
Add to that the fact that my beloved Andy has contracted the most heinous of virus-es-es-es! He is now coughing like Zoolander after a day in the mines declaring he has black lung.
He coughs twice and then meows- COUGH cough meow! The poor little bunny!
This morning, when he was looking for love, sympathy and support I told him to get off his pity pot and go to work like the rest of us! Then I fell asleep for another hour and debated coming in to work. Hey! Nobody said life was fair!
If I remember correctly, back when I was 30 something, my favorite quote was 'life's a bitch and then you marry one!' well there you have it!
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Whatever man. I'll talk to you turkeys later. At the moment I'm trying to name all the air molecules dancing ballet in front of my face.
P.S.
Danaher Companies specifically Videojet can go suck monkey balls! You have to wonder what kind of morons can run big corporations with their heads so far up their asses! FUCKWADS!
Friday, April 18, 2008
A lawyer walks into a bar and orders a beer...
... only replace *bar* with *my office* and *orders a beer* with *yells in my face*!
Thursdays are usually the days OZ does surgeries so he never shows up at the office. You would think it'd be the best day of the week to work, right?
Wrong!
Usually the bats think it's socializing time. I call it Social Thursday.
The day wasn't bad so far, I'd had my coffee. I was filling pretty mellow, especially cuz it was treat day and I decided to have a BROWNIE for breakfast, YEAH I SAID IT!
I heard the door open and CL talking to a man. The man started getting louder and louder. I hid walked close to the front desk to hear what he was saying, that's when I heard my name.
WELCOME TO FUCK OFF FRIDAY ON A... WELL, FRIDAY!
Turns out he was an attorney who was pissed off because OZ hadn't called him back. He assumed OF COURSE! that I was the one holding OZ hostage and not letting him make phone calls.
Believable right? I mean, if I can force the receptionist to remain chained to her desk without any peeing breaks...
If you guys were to see me in person, besides being shocked by my magnificent beauty, you would never in a million years think I'm a threat. I'm short, I don't have horns coming outta my head, no serpent tongue. I do have claws though. They look kind of dorky right now because the middle one broke and now I have the most important finger of the set looking naked.
Once CL told him who I was, this douche bag decided to assault my ears with every fucking insult his thesaurus gave him for the word incompetent.
Now, a calmer woman would have called security, the police or Superman.
But no, not me. In the stupidest decision I've made this week, I got in his face and reciprocated in kind.
Was that the right thing to do? Probably not but you know what? Fuck it!
I told him to take his shitty briefcase stuff it up his ass and waddle out of the office! He said something about him advising his client to sue OZ and me personally. I asked him if he wanted my address.
By this time Glynda came running to the front desk and the security guy came thru the front door. The rest will be written in the annals of the Asylum. I was shaking but IT FELT GOOD!
OZ came over from the hospital as soon as he could and called his attorney. Now a whole bunch of other people will become involved.
Long after I have moved on, they will remember my name, for Thursday was the day I became a Legend!
It was about fuckin' time!
Oh yeah, to that asshole attorney, HE CAN FUCK OFF!!
......
Here's the thing. I would like to ask 4 easy things from you.
First, I know you love me so you're probably feeling a little bit of pity for me.
Don't.
Pity is for assholes. I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.
Second, if you leave me a comment, please start it "Legendary Bee". Don't worry, that title will expire after this post. Unless you want to continue, please don't let me stop you.
Third, I need you to help me decide between a mechanical pencil and the old fashioned kind of pencil. I like the mechanical one because I can just click a button for more led instead of getting up to sharpen it.
I like the old fashioned one because I can BITE down on it in stressful situations and it usually reminds me that a bullet might hurt more.
Fourth, please click on Humor-Blogs for me because I'm sliding down the ranks and you don't want to see me angry. ;op
P.S.
I'm milking my traumatic day by taking the day off and decluttering my house. If I don't visit you, that's why.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Please kiss my ass! ... I said please!
DAY ONE HUNDRED!!!!
-Fredo, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't take sides with anyone against the family again. Ever.- Michael Corleone
So...
You know how I asked you guys SEMI-nicely to go to Diesel's and vote for me? Well, I didn't mean to be pushy. (much)
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You guys know I have nothing going for me other than this blog right?
I mean I have nothing to look forward to... well other than my sister being due to deliver another little miracle and planning the baby shower.:
Isn't she a cutie??
Ha ha, you can't call this a mommy blog cuz there have been no bats in my belfry. No Eggs in my basket.
Other than that there's no other momentous occasion looming... Hmm, except my 7th anniversary on the 16th of this month.
Anyway, back to the the lobbying for votes. I haven't participated much because I could never come up with anything I THOUHT was funny. Then Diesel posted a picture of one of my favorite movies. A classic! I quote it ad nauseum much to the chagrin of one Andy Husband. (Leave the gun, take the cannolis.) So I took a shot.
When I found out I was a finalist, I was super excited. I had already done my post but added a paragraph asking you to go vote for me, your friend, your mentor, your Hero.
Imagine my surprise when someone named Stushie scolded me for it!
"Who is Stushie?" You ask.
I have no idea. None. Up until yesterday I didn't even know what a Stushie was. Still don't really.
Stushie's argument is that he/she (I'm really not interested enough to find out which) pastors (definition: a person having spiritual care of a number of persons) a church of 350 and writes something or other with 4000 readers but he/she is not angling for their votes.
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So here we go again. People taking humor seriously.
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Here I am, NEVER taking myself seriously.
I thanked this Stushie for coming on over to the Beehive and checking me out. Don't be mad at him/her. Don't go be mean either, be sad for him/her. Maybe he/she is in the same boat as me/I, lonely and afraid.
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Now, to you, my friends, my little cuddly wuddly peeps.
If you'd like to change your vote, you may do so. With my blessing and my love. I will not be upset if you vote for somebody else (I hope Stushie wins since he/she has been in the top 10, EIGHT times and never won).
I won't cry in a dark corner. I will not contemplate my reason for being while standing on the ledge of my office window (which is on the first floor). I will not drink TWO WHOLE cups of coffee if you change your vote. You know why? Because I do this everyday anyway! ;op
If you'd like to read Stushie's comments go here.
By the way, if I ever run for President of the good ole' U.S. of A., remind me not to ask my family and friends to vote for me. I wouldn't want to make the same embarrassing mistake AGAIN.
P.S.
If I ever do become President, heaven help you all! Except for Stushie. I'll make him/her Ambassador of Whaaaville.
Don't click on Humor-Blogs for me!
Don't do it!
Don't!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Attack of the gray haired blood suckers... BOO!
-Day 93- Did I scare you? Well that was nothing! I was scared to within one inch of my awesome life today! ONE INCH! And I have many inches on me so that's saying ALLOT! ::sad sigh::
... Anyway, here's my question:
Can I file assault charges if a couple of kooky oldies (not my work oldies, OTHER oldies!)(the world is full of 'em.)(some are nice) tried to bully me into donating my precious blood? Don't they know this blood has been with me since I was a wee little mini Bee?? I'm very attached to it!
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Plus... I AM TERRIFIED OF NEEDLES! By terrified I mean, my blood runs cold, I start to sweat, shake and speak in tongues. To say it's unpleasant would be the understatement of the century.
I walked into the building and a little elderly lady came out of nowhere.
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"Hi! We're volunteering for Z Sources. We'd like you to donate blood today!"
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Just. Like That.
No "Please", no "How you doin'?".
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She didn't even acknowledge the hammer she had just thrown at me. She just kept staring at me with the lipstick-on-teeth-grin and unblinking eyes.
Me:
Sorry, no. I'm deathly afraid of needles. [and watching my blood ooze out of my veins]
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Little oldie:
Oh honey, all you feel is a pinch then nothing!
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Me: [I kept walking]
No, no. I can't do it.
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When I entered the main lobby, I was horrified to see a wall of vampiric elderly people!
They had tables lining the walls. Lining the walls! ::They were everywhere.::
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Right now you're thinking I'm dreaming, sadly I'm not! I was awake and my blood was pooling at my toes!
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Then! I met Future Bee.
She didn't look like me, she was tall and rail thin but... well, you'll see.
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Little oldie: [to Future Bee]
I'm telling her it won't hurt.
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Future Bee: [look of derision]
What? Are you scared?
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Cute and Cuddly Bee:
Frankly, yes!
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Future Bee:
What are you 30? Don't be a baby!
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Reasonable Bee:
Well that argument convinced me... NO.
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Future Bee:
Giving blood is important, don't you care if somebody might need your blood to LIVE?? Don't you want to do something selfless in your life?
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She seriously asked me that!
Hey man, I do stuff for other people! I'm semi-green. I umm... uh... I'm sure there's something else!
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The other people were waiting for the outcome of our showdown. They sensed my fear and wanted my pure blood, they wanted it all!
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I was beginning to think I'd never get to walk thru the office door and touch the stuff on my desk ever again. Luckily, this is what my bat adventures have prepared me for.
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Bee:
I need my blood to live! I know you have all day to argue with me but I have to get to work!
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At which point I ran into the office and slammed the door! Here I thought I'd be on time today!
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Do you think they use the same techniques to train blood suckers as they do to train car salesmen? It's a good thing I'm well aware of my rights to retain my blood!
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I felt happy that I had gotten thru more or less unharmed... unless you count the bathroom trips I had to make with their beedy eyes boring holes into my SOUL!
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P.S.
Someone is threatening to kill Al Pacino in 88 minutes.
Well, he gave us The Godfather I & II. Scarface was overrated and the rest of his movies have been crap so... maybe we can take him out in 10 minutes?
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P.P.S.
Devil's Advocate was good but it would have been better without Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Hump day has arrived
-Day 92-
First, I'd like to say thanks for all the e-mails you sent threatening me if I ever scare you again. (I'm not scaurd!)(much)
Ha Ha Ha! I had my fun! I regret closing the comments because some of your vulgar statements were colorful... to say the least!
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I would like to answer one question:
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"uhm did you spell SWAN wrong on purpose?"
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL SAWN!!
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Anyway, I hope you had a fun April Fool's Day. Mine wasn't too good, aside from the e-mails I mean.
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I decided that on my next meeting with OZ, I might ask for my own office.
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Currently I share the office with Milton, PD, the copy machine, fax machine and the postage meter thing.
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Unfortunately, I sit right next to the copy machine.
My desk is the one with the X: 
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Do you see where the copy machine is?
These drawers are where you load paper. 
This is the box with extra paper. 
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When people bend over to fill the copy machine THEIR BUTT IS IN MY FACE!
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<- X marks the spot where my face would be.
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What I don’t understand is, why point it at me? They can obviously bend over in the opposite direction! Is this their passive aggressive way of telling me I can kiss their ass? Because all I read into that is please KICK my ass!
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Sometimes they point at me when they're just getting extra paper. My camera was too slow so I was unable to give you guys a proper peep shot of the miscreants.
She had bent over to get paper.
Am I overreacting? Let's remember that I work in the office of flatulence!
P.S.
They are revamping Dungeons & Dragons and making it like the other game Andy plays with the Wizards and the Orcs? I thought they had already done that but I was quickly corrected by Andy "Bee, you're thinking of Magic the Gathering!"
No, I can honestly say I wasn't!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Bachelor Party Part Deux and Inflatable J-Lo.
-Day 87.-I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping.- Sarah Silverman
So... I found out more about the lewd shenanigans my hub-bub might be a part of at that cursed bachelor party.
They were sent a naughty e-mail with the picture of a blond bimbo whose face I have committed to my memory.
You know, in case I ever bump into her at the mall, while she's buying a pair of size 12 shoes because she has abnormally large feet.
I will walk up to her and punch her in the face while I step on her ginormous big toe.
They also advertised nude cruises, topless whirlyball (? who's topless the men or the women?) and other crap I can't remember. No. I will NOT post the link to this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah!
The Best Man went all out and became super freakin' organized! I bet he can't plan a party for his wife but when it comes to naked hoochies, booze and men, he's fuckin' J-Lo in The Wedding Planner!
This means that party is going to be more than my little brain can handle.
After today, I will do what women throughout the ages have done and live in the world of denial while knitting my own underwear.
Speaking of J-Lo, strippers and debauchery...
Just when I think I couldn't be shocked, I hear about the new answer to blow up dolls... Inflatable Celebrities. There's so much I could say about this but really, what else is there to say?
-----------------------------------------------------------Edited for television.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Karate= Empty Hand. My hands= Squish! Just like grape.
-Day 82. Fighting always last answer to problem- Mr. Miyagi
Saturday evening was my couch potato night since I survived YET ANOTHER family get together. All the crazy key players were there, doing all their mocking with their rocking and their rolling.
Brother Dan was being poked fun at for not knowing how to dance.
Bee was poked fun at because she is now too self conscious to dance in serious venues.
Sister Nancy cuz her butt counted the stairs as she fell down them when she was about 10.
Brother Sergio because he still thinks the White Sox are gonna win... uh, be careful with that one because he gets mad. :op
Anyway, I was wondering what my post would be about since I didn't do anything exciting other than play snow baseball. (That's where you grab a broken broom handle and swat at the fence's snow hats. I always win.) (Probably because I'm the only one that plays it since everybody else is too busy looking at me funny.)
After everybody left, I did a bunch of random things until I finally wound up watching The Karate Kid on TV. 
I haven't seen this movie since the original time I saw it in 1984. Watching it Saturday night was a trip down memory lane. The music, the clothes, California, the school clicks... I then realized how much I love this movie!
I'm not really surprised Ralph Machio's career never really surfaced higher than the dumpster, especially because the true star was Mr. Miyagi.
Short, out of shape dude, with moves like a ninja, who liked to garden... kinda reminded me of... well, ME! (except for the dude part)
I submit the following proof to the words I'm spewing:
Andy tried to take me down yesterday but I side stepped, nipple pinched, crouched sumo-wrestler-style to make him beg for mercy! If you don't believe me, ask my momma. She was laughing her butt off saying I was as "unmovable as an oak tree".
Yippee-ki-yay! No, that's more cowgirl. Hee-YAH!! Bee = karateka.
Only problem is, I don't do kicks.
My legs are too short so I wind up looking like Butt-head doing those weird kicks when he's "dancing". Whatever man. If you see me comin', cross the freakin' street!
Okay, I'm off to find me a Daniel-San to do my all my house work.
Wax on, wax off, don't forget to breathe, verrrry important!
He kinda looks like one of my mom's uncles! RIP MR. M.
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P.S.
I don't try to catch flies with chopsticks, I spear moths midair with toothpicks! Hee-YAH!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Don't step on my blue suedeless shoes!
-Day 81.-
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Do you think I'm overreacting and should stop this whole complaining about the weather business??
I am submitting proof as to why I'm pulling out my eyelashes one at a time!!!!
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Okay, here is a picture of what my backyard looked like on Thursday:
This is what it looked like on Friday!:
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I might be exagerating just a little bit.
It didn't look exactly like the first picture but it was damn close!
No snow, sunny, and all around springy.
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When I got out of work, I had to remove the mini North Pole that had formed on top of my car. Do you think I can get people to ski on my window?
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Then I got stuck a couple of times because nobody told the plow guys it was going to snow therefore our escape from the parking lot was an adventure in bumper car driving. Look at my poor tire! It's being smothered!
I think I've been going about this winter business all wrong. You see, I haven't been wearing the proper shoes to kick Mother Nature's frigid ass! I went out and bought a pair of nice Blue Suedeless Shoes.
Let me at her, I'll SPLAT HER CANDY ASS!!
Bye for now, I have to go dig Mocha out from under the pine trees.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
To the jag that splatted the mac, I still know your plates!
-Day 70.
2 Things before the serious post:
First, Check out Bloggers in a Swimsuit over at jean knee's! You'll laugh you'll cry. You'll want us to be on TV. Go! Then come back please.
Second, I just want all of you to know that Matt Roloff from Little People Big World is NOT guilty! I know you were worried! Oh, and it looks like Zach might have a girlfriend...
So... Tracy wishes to know my Fast Food Topper story.
Warning: This story is not even a little bit funny. It caused emotional distress, trauma and maybe some tears. Maybe.
I worked at a Brown’s Chicken for 9 years. "NINE YEARS??" you say. Yes. 9 years. That’s were I met my Andy.
My 3 brothers and sister worked there as well. The last 3 years there, I was promoted to GM (General Manger). I ran that place with love compassion and whips. The teenie boppers all loved me because I was a fair boss and they never hesitated when I asked them to do something. (Except Andy’s brother and my youngest brother but that’s another story).
One day, my sister was taking an order for a man and his mom. He ordered our special which was 8 pcs of chicken and a bowl of pasta. He had 4 choices of pasta and chose Macaroni.
As in Mac and Cheese. When my sister was pouring the cheese over the pasta, he said wait a minute that’s not what I want! My sis said "you said Mac n cheese but if you’d like, I can give you something else."
He said no, that it was fine and he seemed pretty calm about it. Once he paid and my sister gave him his food, he proceeded to take the Mac out of the bag and slam it on the lobby floor!
SPLAT!! CHEESE SAUCE EVERYWHERE!!
By the time I ran to the front, he had taken off in his pick up but I got the license plate # just in case.
Maybe if I would have jumped over the counter I could have caught up with him but I'm pretty short, no way would I have cleared it.
About 10 minutes later his wife calls saying we had forgotten his pasta and tried TRIED to tear me a new one.
I think by now you know I don’t take shit from anyone. I calmly told her what he did and basically told her it would be a cold day in hell if she thought they could ever come back. She called me a liar. I said "Oh yeah, I have him on video tape surveillance! Maybe you can tell him to come back and clean my lobby? Maybe you can tell him there’s cheese sauce on the walls he can pay to have cleaned." She paused but only for a second and continued her bitching tirade.
In the mean time, that asshole was in the background saying he was going to stuff my lies down my throat. I told the bitch wife that if he ever dared come over I was calling the police since those were real threats.
I finally hung up on her. I called the owner and explained what happened and he said he supported what I did since the guy sounded like an asshole.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW!
The owner calls me back and says he got a call from corporate who asked him to call the customers. He did and now he wanted me to put a bowl of pasta on credit for this piece of shit.
I blew up and told him what I thought.
His response “Listen Bee, this is my business. I can’t turn away a customer just because he was mean to you.”
I agreed that it is his business but I asked him if he had heard the guy ranting and raving in the background. He said "Yeah, he was screaming and swearing. The guy is a real piece of work."
I had a nervous breakdown at Brown's Chicken and Pasta. Bastards!
There used to be a manger who worked @ Brown's when I first started. He was the owner's brother. A little Italian guy that knew people, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. He would have backed us up even if we were wrong.Yeah, he was a racist but he was a cute and cuddly racist, kidding. She sold the business to these other guys who didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
My sister and I quit shortly after.
What was their fate after we quit? They went out of business, the restaurant that had been there for 30 years was leveled to the ground and now that property has a bank settled nicely on top of it. Oh and the owner who made the worst decision of his life is now divorced.
Who won?
Naw, I'm not bitter
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P.S.
If the dickless wonder would have come back, I would have called the cops and then beat the shit out of him while we waited.
Click on my banner if you believe me! ;op
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
PSA# 8. Only sweet nothings in my ear…
-Day 64.
Upon my dealings with the underworld-READ ATTORNEYS*-I have had the displeasure of not one, not two, but THREE different people chewing in my ear today.
As much as I LOVE people masticating (which, by the way, is one of the dirtiest non-dirty words I have ever heard) in my ear, I leave that up to my beloved husband. You know, the guy whom I promised to honor love and disobey. In good times, in bad loud-crunching-munching-giving-me-all-kinds-of-gag-reflexes times
If you are not buying me shoes and other accessories, stop your grazing before you call me or you WILL get the following suggestions while on the phone with me.
“Why don't you call me back AFTER you’ve eaten your lunch.”
“WHAT ARE YOU SUCKING ON?”
“I’m sorry, there seems to be a strange noise on the other end of my line. Can you hold a sec while I try to figure out what it is?” and then you’ll hold for 5 minutes until you’ve swallowed and/or died.
This concludes another installment of “Bee: Public Servant, Good Samaritan, Friend, Guide, Mentor etcetera etcetera.”
*If you are, have been, will be, know of, in conjunction to, an attorney, I was speaking of those other ones. The ones who nobody likes because they’re bastards and mean and kick puppy dogs.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Inn keeper, my room has a weird smell...
-Day 63
Anonymous evil trolls changed my home page from Google to MSN.
I don't know how they managed to do it but my new exclaimless state demands I let bygones be bygones. I'm learning to deal.
Upon opening a browser on Sunday, I encountered an article on MSN about 10 Unusual Places to Stay.
They showed an underwater hotel in Florida which I thought was pretty cool. Some caves in New Mexico and Turkey minus bats. By far the most disturbing one was this one in Idaho:
I'm sorry but, why would I pay good money to be able to say I came out of a dog's ass?
I've always said nothing good comes out of Idaho. If you're from Idaho, I didn't mean you.
P.S.
I'm about to give up on my not exclaiming cuz I think it's turning me into a whiner. I said WHINER.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Profanity edited (somewhat), nobody needs to hear that from a "lady".
-Day 52. I have some road rage inside of me. Traffic, especially in L.A., is a pet peeve of mine.- Katie Holmes (Ah! Another thing Katie Holmes and I have in common besides our "love" for weird mind controlling freaks visionaries! ::sigh::)
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Shit! Does anybody else have Prince’s “Controversy” in their head? Please help me get it out!
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Okay, so I know you’re tired of hearing about my bad freakin’ weather. I know it because you’ve e-mailed to tell me how people in Oregon got like 20 feet of snow or something equally disastrous.
You’ve also e-mailed me to tell me about places that are not prepared for freezing cold winters and are now having issues with living, as in they’re dying. Yes. I get it. I’m a complainer but that shouldn’t surprise you, right?
Since you love hearing about it so much, here is a DETAILED description of my hazardous drive in to work on Wednesday.
DETAILED BUT WITH ONLY SOME SWEARS.
8:10-8:12 AM (yes, I realize I start at 8:00 AM)
Step out the back door and slide to the garage, crash into the garage door that froze midway up, hadn’t noticed it was frozen because I was looking down at my feet which were doing a cool little backwards figure 8 on the icy driveway. (If you have to ask me what a backwards figure 8 is, just click away right now.). Luckily, me whacking the garage door made it work so it opened the rest of the way. My shoulder now needs surgery.
8:13-8:16 
Zig zag down the driveway, zig zag down the side street. Oh, here comes an asshole that lacks proper “Street has shrunk due to ice and snow therefore I will not go down the middle of the street taking up precious space so that one Awesome Little Bee has to scrape the side of her car on a huge wall of snow” etiquette.
Don’t worry, my car is fine. In fact I’m going to nickname it my “Mini Tank”.
8:16-8:20 
Trying to get onto one of the 2 major roads that will deliver me to my hell. Can’t see very well over the snow. Okay, here’s my chance! Now I’m behind a man that’s going 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour road. It’s taking me 3 minutes to get to the other major street instead of my usual 30 seconds. So what if the roads are icy! That’s why God invented airbags! Great! Now I missed the right turn green arrow (a green arrow is just a precautionary sign telling me I have 20 seconds before oncoming traffic plows into me, and not in a good way)
8:21-8:26 
Okay! Here’s my chance! I’ll just go right after this Monster Wheel Truck!
BAD MOVE! Bad bad bad move.
This guy has his hoopty all pimped out in tires TALLER THAN ME (not to mention splashing me with cruddy mud) with 2 tail pipes blowing steam right on my windshield!
It’s bad enough the sun’s glare is blinding me, now I have this fog I can’t see thru.
Okay, deep breath, just concentrate on not hitting a 5 foot deep pothole (a pothole is a ginormous crater native to places with bad weather and/or bad hygiene, they are considered armed and dangerous with many reports of people going missing after falling in one.)
I’m gripping the steering wheel, squinting, stretching my neck, sliding on the icy road, bumping as I hit the potholes when I realize I just invented the next big fad in dance steps:
Grip, Squint, Stretch, Slide-Slide Bump-Bump
Coming soon to a club near you! (or disco as Jean Knee and Brian call them [::snicker::])
Anyway, I’m almost in the clear, I just have to get passed two overpass bridges without leaving a part of my car as a “Bee was here” reminder. Okay. almost there. Steady. Steady. WHAT THE FUCK!!! Out of nowhere, a blue beemer gets into my lane!
Oh no he didn’t just cut me off!! My car fish tails, but not really because it was more of a fish head shimmy, I have to regain control of my Mini Tank so I don’t wipe out the cement blocks that hold the overpass up, knocking down all life forms crossing over to the Highway.
Ya see, the reason this butt munch cut me off is, he thought they were doing construction on the street thereby shutting down one lane. He felt the need to merge into my icy lane within inches of me when the reality is, there are TWO distinct lanes!
Yeah, I honked but this did not help my aggression go away. I should have followed him to his place of business and/or crack house and slapped him a few times to make myself feel better but I was already late for work. (No more following fuck-wit crack whores and slappin' them around. I think there's a law somewhere that says that. I think.)
8:27-8:30 
I Parked my Mini Tank, slid thru the parking lot, crunched the salt on the entryway to the office building, ran to the time clock and punched in at 8:28.
What?
Yeah, the clock in my car is wrong so all these times are 2 minutes fast.
So?
I hear you laughing at me! I'll forgive you if you clicky.
P.S.
Don't ask me why I didn't move into the other lane away from the Monster Truck, the left lane is filled with other hazards and obstacles, mainly oncoming traffic not recognizing they are in the wrong lane going the wrong way. I'd rather take my chances with human eating potholes and moving overpasses rather than have a head on collision with a blind nut job. But that's just me.
P.P.S.
I really did edit my profanity. The thoughts in my head were way way worse!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Professing my ♥ for Gerald.
-Day 50. Everyone has a right to be an idiot. Some people abuse the privilege. - Joseph Stalin (Normally I wouldn't quote anything Joe S. would have said but...)
So...
You all know how much I love my anonymous heckler right? I've got me another one:
Gerald said...
So who did andy and bee blow to always be the first post listed on humorblogs?
I can't be the only person asking about this situation. Right?
February 18, 2008 6:13 PM
Oh Gerald, Gerald, dear, sweet, innocent, Gerald. I'd like to thank you for giving me more material for a post.
Since your concerns are my concerns, I did contact Mr. Diesel President-CEO-Founder-King of Humor-Blogs just for you.
"Hello Mr. Diesel! It seems people's panties are in a bunch because my old posts keep popping up first. I'm not sure what I'm doing (or not) and I've tried fixing it by removing the HB link on the posts but then the next one will pop up and just stay there. I'm not contacting you because an asswipe left me a nasty comment cuz I'm not scaurd but I should probably fix it. I know you're busy, any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks! Bee"
He was very interested in your dilemma and replied the following:
"It's not your fault. For some reason it keeps adding a new version of your post every time it refreshes. Something to do with the way your feed is formatted. Anyway, I'll get it fixed one of these day. Feel free to quote this email and tell the haters to f*** off and not take things so seriously. :)
Diesel"
He is such a nice guy, isn't he a nice guy?
Just so you know, if you're a guy (or even a girl), I know he's happily married and would not want you anywhere near him.
I'm sure he'll get to it as soon as possible since he did seem genuinely upset for you.
I don't just want to say "Fuck Off" and leave it at that so, as a consolation prize, I am posting a picture just for you.
This is a picture of my Chia Pet. 
Isn't it beautiful? It was a gift from my sister.
Up until today, I didn't have a name for him but now I'm naming him Gerald, even if that might not be your real name.
I would show you more angles to Gerald but this is his best side. Unfortunately, his ass is bald. I don't know why since I did spread the goopy seeds on ALL sides of him equally.
Oh well! I guess it's not the lack of ass vegetation or balls that matter in life.
Until later, my dear, sweet, Gerald.
Love,
Bee
P.S.
When you come over again, let us return the favor by visiting you. Please post the link to your blog. And don't forget to click on humor-blogs for me!