Hey, here’s a new way to introduce me. “This is the lady with a birthmark on her inner thigh.”

The Bats were talking to some old dude at the reception area (I guess he used to work here 100 years ago). I came up to drop off some out going mail and Purple DinoSour turns to me and says,

“This is Twiddlywhogivesashit. [turns to him and says], this is Bianca, the one who doesn’t have children.”

Me [a little startled]:
Are you a door to door kid salesman?

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So this gave me the greatest idea! I will point to them and highlight something random throughout the day.

“This is PD, she’s the one that repeats things 5 times before she pretends to understand.”

“This is Scarecrow, she’s the one who shakes when she’s trying to stand still.”

“This is Milton, she’s the one GOD hasn’t figured out yet.”

“This is Cowardly Lion, she’s the one who likes to cry when she pees.”

WHY ON EARTH would someone tell a STRANGER I don’t have kids?

After the old dude left, I asked how the topic of my non deformed vajajay (sorry moms out there, I don’t mean you! also, I have no idea if it goes back to it’s original shape or what and I kind of don’t want to know) had arisen in their everyday conversation. I was really curious, you know, in case I’m ever confronted with this situation again.

PD:
Oh, he was asking if we’d heard from people who used to work here and we told him about you.

Me:
Okay, but how did you bring up my childlessness? Did you say it in a stage whisper like it was some horrible secret “The girl that works here DOESN’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN, SWORE SHE NEVER WOULD AND HAS PROMISED HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL!!”?

PD:
Don’t be silly! [Doris Day hair Marie Barone twin looking over her glasses at my silly ass]

Me:
WELL TELL ME HOW A PERFECT STRANGER KNOWS ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER PEE WHEN I SNEEZE!!!

PD:
Oh for heaven’s sake! [throws arms up in air and walks out of the room]

What do you guys think? Was I overreacting? Is it reasonable for me to want to know why/how my lack of procreation habits came up?

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Humor-Blogs

Who sat on my banana???

Well crap! I woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday and it’s only Wednesday!

Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Me forgetting what day of the week my body is living in??

I already have to sing-song my morning routine so that I don’t forget the crucial items that make my day full of sunshine and smiley faces. (Now remember, I start at 8:00 AM.)(Also, blogger is being a weenie head and not letting me post pictures so imagine a big clock at the top -CLOCK!-)

7:45-
Contacts Contacts Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

Contacts to be able to see, take the dogs outside for the last time before I leave.

7:55 AM-
Cont- MOCHA BARKING!! Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz

This reminds me to bring them back INSIDE so that they are not left out in the sun like the wild beasts they really are.

7:58 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH BANANA WATER BANANA WATER LUNCH

Bring the dogs in and get my breakfast/lunch

8:00 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz BANANA WATER LUNCH KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS

How many times have I locked myself out of the house thinking I had my keys? I’ll never TELL!

8:03 AM-
Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Mocha Tazz Turn on Chili Palmer’s Light BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE

How many times have I walked out without my driver’s license because I forgot my purse? Let’s just say I must have 4 leaf clovers sprouting out of my ears because I've been lucky to evade the LONG ARM OF THE LAW!

8:05 AM-
BANANA WATER KEYS BANANA WATER KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR

I’ve only left the door open once…

8:08 AM-
KEYS KEYS PURSE PURSE KEYS KEYS CLOSE THE DOOR WORK WORK WORK WOR- Ooh what pretty flowers!

I tend to get distracted once I’m in my backyard and start checking this or that to make sure those damned squirrels are not killing my jalapeno pepper plants AND MY PETUNIAS! BASTARDS!

8:20 AM-
OH SHIT!! WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK

8:28 AM-
PUNCH IN PUNCH IN

Once I sit at my desk, I realize 2 things.

1) I forgot my LUNCH!
2) I forgot to put on my contacts and therefore am walking around the office with a busted up pair of eyeglasses I’ve been too lazy to superglue back to life!

Now, here I am, bouncing around the office with a skewed view of life.
(Picture a broken pair of stylish eye glasses without one of those ear holder thingamabobs)

I know what you’re thinking, it could be an improvement.

Luckily for me, there is a new mouth spray the FDA is testing for people with Alzheimer’s. They say it has the same effect as pot. A girl can only dream!

P.S.
You guys crack me up with your comments from Monday’s post! I’ll be posting some of the pranks I pull on her to get even.
You people are evil! And I wish you and I could meet for lunch!

LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH…

Humor-Blogs

Suntanned Karate Chop Hand Coming to a Face Smack Near You...

Hey!
How’s it going? You guys good? You feeling happy and comfortable?
Do you have a nice wedge of cheese and some Tequila by your side ready to enjoy and get your cheesy booze on?

Good for you!

How am I, you ask.

Well, I’m not gonna lie to you.

I am angrier than a deformed flea who just got pissed on by a swamp rat! I don’t know what that means but it can't be pleasant.

I am so fucking pissed off I’m having difficulty keeping my Karate chop hand still! My very suntanned Karate chop hand! It just wants to jump up and beat the shit out of anybody stupid enough to cross my path!

DON’T CROSS MY FUCKIN’ PATH!!
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Sorry, I didn’t mean you.
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The moronic bats I work with are driving me to the brink of insanity and I can't afford to get any closer to the edge!!

Anyway, I’m going to try and contain my eruptions throughout this post but, if you all of a sudden see --EARFUCKER!!-- or some odd word where it is not called for, please blame my turrets (which, like Cartman, I wish I had... well, only the awesome random swearing, not the high pitched squeals or twitches).

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I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of cool bloggers since I started this here blog a year ago.
Some of you are as whacked out as I am and others are just along for the ride.
Probably taking bets to see when I will actually crack and my face will wind up on the 7 o’clock news announcing I have stolen all the paper, pencils, staples, folders, etc. from my office and am building a giant ship so that I can travel to all the ports along Lake Michigan (my aspirations are low).
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Some bloggers and I have more of a stalking relationship than others. You know who you are. Those that get e-mails from me saying stuff like “THIS MOFO NEEDS TO BE BITCHED SLAPPED AND I’M JUST THE BITCH TO DO IT!!” or “Tibet hasn’t been freed yet? I could have sworn… ?”

Yeah, real intellectual stuff right?

Today, I’d like to showcase one bloggy friend.
I’ve talked about her before, how I admire her wholesomeness, lack of swears and how she makes OLD MEN cry!

The pay off has been great because I’ve received things in the mail that make me giddy. Recently, Elastic (AKA Melissa my *kin*) sent me a nice little pick me up. Something that would make me laugh, cry, wonder why we live so far and still hope her man will be transferred to a city near me so that we can be BFFs, sitting-outside-the-Tastee-Freeze-with-our-nachos-making-fun-of-the-poor-fools-THAT-GET-IN-THE-WAY-OF-MY-KARATE-CHOP-SUNTANNED-HAND, in real life.

She knows me so well without actually having met me and now I have proof.



See pens? Uh-huh me likey!
See sox? Total Playgirl!


Here is the weird part. Do you see this pen with the girl in the scarlet dress and the flowing hair?

What would you say if I told you that 4 years ago.

I went to a Wizard World Comic Book Convention.

Stood in line outside to get into the Rosemont Horizon renamed Donald Duck Stephenson Conventions Center.

Got myself my little geek (temporary) pass.

Went inside.

Trolled all the little stalls.

Looked at women with massive boobs.

Got hit on by one said woman with massive boobs.

Looked at art from all kinds of peeps.

Finally bought a print I’ve been displaying proudly since.
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Did you just get chills from this awesome coincidence??
To top it off, her daughter was the one to find them and say "Oh my gooossshhhh, that is SO BEE!"!

Unfortunately my blog is rated R so I'm sure she's not allowed to read my thanks.

:o(

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Thank you my Elastic friend and her oldest daughter Sunbum!!

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Look at that, no turrets episodes. The savage beast is at peace.

(FOR HOW LONG?)

Humor-Blogs Subliminal Message.

Oh say can you see... a naked British dude is freezing his nuts off!

Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
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Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
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As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
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It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
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Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
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I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
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When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
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Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
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The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
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That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
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Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
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It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
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Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
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He didn't though.
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He lived.
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This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
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The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
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He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
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Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
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ICK!
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That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey (Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first.
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Next up, lunch!
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He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
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First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
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Yummmmmm-eeeee.
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Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
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Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
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I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
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I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
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See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
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So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
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P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
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*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.

Can I hire TWO hotties??

After my Friday boxing match meeting with OZ, (where he wondered why certain accounts are not being worked on and I responded by saying that the cloning machine was defective, it did not produce 20 Bees like I had hoped but it did clear up my complexion) he has now given me authorization to hire my summer assistant.

At first, I was a little upset because this would mean I’d have to dedicate valuable time to training a newbie in the art of Office Bat Mocking… I just don’t have the energy for it.

Then, I became angry because it would totally cut into my blog reading and we all know this is what keeps me, in a harmonious balance nobody alive would benefit by shifting, both sane and insane. Can you imagine me sane? Neither can I.

After listing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to be happy for the chance of corrupting another young mind.

Here is a small list of duties I came up with:

Get here on time to sign me in (where he will wait half an hour for me to arrive but that’s okay because he can make coffee while waiting).

Dust my desk (you’re probably thinking this is an easy task but he would have to move all my junk meticulous files and then put them back exactly where they were)

Once I arrive, get my coffee. (I’d do it myself but I’d already be running late)

Heat up my lunch.

Take Mocha to the groomers.

Take my clothes to the dry-cleaners.

Pick it up when it’s ready.

...

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

Uh, this is all I have for now. I would like to add that I’m hoping the following people apply for this coveted position:
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Brad Pitt
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Reynolds

BRAD PITT
David Beckham
Any other hot actors/musicians/sports dudes

If you know any of them and think they would be willing to work for minimum wage and doing menial tasks, let them know to fax their résumés with a picture of themselves in provocative poses to my attention.
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Maybe somebody over at Humor-Blogs would like to apply to be my whipping boy?

P.S.
I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t have to get my coffee. Everybody knows I’m very particular about how I drink my coffee.
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P.S.S.

An added bonus is that I am a very cool boss. Very cool. And fun.

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I am a tad impatient.

Well now. Who knew work would get in the way of blogging? Evil Money Controlling Bastards.

I'm going deep underground for a couple of days so I might not be able to stalk your blogs like I like.

I'll try but I'm not making any promises, okay?

I cannot tell you where I'm going or what I'll be doing because this might put you in danger. Your safety is my main concern. (That and trying to figure out WHERE THE FUCK I PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER I JUST BOUGHT!)

Don't get mad at me.
Don't threaten to kill me (you'd have to get in line as per my previous post).

But.

Since I'm a needy chick, I need you all to pitch in because you love me (love/hate, fine line) and buy me the following:

I don't feel like it's too much to ask. Do you?

I'd have to put him by a corner though, I don't particularly like the image of anyone standing behind him.

Maybe I'd paint a bra on him too, he seems to be cold.

Ah yes, my single years as a psycho magnet.

You know what I just remembered that almost gave me a stroke??
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I unintentionally put a hit out on myself about 14 years ago!
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When I worked at the Brown's Chicken place, there was this weird manager guy (we'll call him Martin) who had the craziest crush on me.
Please picture Milton (not to be confused with the Milton that works in my office, that's another kind of insane) from Office Space only a lot younger and thinner.

I would sometimes catch him staring at me with such an intense look, he'd realize I noticed him staring but he never looked away!
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Okay, I just shivered!
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My friend (who I shall name Brenda) and I used to play "Key keep away". Which was hiding the register key from each other to see who could finish counting out their register drawer first.
Okay, the game was kind of lame. Would it be better if I told you that the one who lost had to buy the beer?
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One day, I'd gotten the key first and she was chasing me around the store. Once she finally caught me, she was trying to pry it from my hand. We were laughing and I was doing pretty good at keeping it away from her which was impressive since Brenda was an Amazon woman.
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All of a sudden, Martin came flying from around the cook aisle, grabbed her wrist and started yelling "Let her go! LET HER GOOOO!"
He went from quiet, unassuming sociopath, to crazed maniac in a matter of seconds! He wouldn't let go of her wrist until I reassured him we were playing.
...
Yeah!
Dude had the makings of the next Norman Bates!
Anyway, before his bizarre outburst, he and I had a conversation about aging. I was about 20 or 21 and he must have been in his late twenties early thirties. I mentioned how aging freaked me out.
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---Before you read the rest, I need to remind you I was very very young AND PROBABLY DRUNK!---
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Bee:
I don't want to turn 50! It scares the shit out of me! Promise to shoot me the day before my 50th birthday.
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His chilling response, in a dead serious tone.

Martin:
I promise.
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DID YOU JUST GET CHILLS??
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Imagine how I felt today while washing my hands when this memory floated into my head!!!
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Shortly after that, he was transferred to another Brown's and I didn't see him until years later but stupid me never remembered to call off the hit on MYSELF!

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On a scale from one to ten with one being Rocket Scientist and ten being a tone deaf gorilla, how dumb was young Bee?

If you click on Humor-Blogs you might save my life.

P.S.
Yes, tone deaf gorillas are dumber than gorillas who can sing. I'd prove it to you but I'm just too lazy to go hunting right now.

WoMAN without children first!

Listen, I know you guys are always envying the life I live because of all the excitement in my day to day survival of all things INSANE.

However, to live like me, you have to have quick reflexes (mine aren’t as fast as they used to be but I can still jump out of the way of an oncoming vehicle driven by an old lady looking for her lost penny), a controllable gag reflex (trust me on this, the rotten air will one day make Al Gore come and pay them a visit), a whip (to keep people in line) some cool shoes and a heart of stone (the harder the better).

Anyway, I had just dragged my sleepy butt into the office when our Thursday staff meeting was called. No sooner had we all assumed the position when the alarms in the building started BLARING! Now, I don’t know about you guys but I took it as sign to EVACUATE the building!

Can you imagine my surprise when my partners in lunacy looked at each other with wide surprised eyes asking “what. mean. that. noise? me. dodohead. ninny muggings.”

I can sympathize a little since I hadn’t had my morning cup of glorious-heaven’s-brew and was slightly groggy but I still KNEW to exit stage left.



I calmly walked back to the business office, located my car keys (it's always a mystery to me how they end up somewhere I know I didn't put them), grabbed my Betty Boop messenger bag, stuffed my cell phone and water in there, debated whether I had time to make coffee, decided against it and went out to the parking lot where other confused people were being blinded by the morning light, all in a matter of seconds. Did I wait for anybody from my own office? Hhhhell no! It’s every able bodied person for themselves!

Since we didn’t have a plan in place in case of an emergency evacuation and since the parking lot is tiny, I unlocked my car, pulled out a magazine and sat down waiting for the 'all clear' from the hot (HOT!) firemen.

Meanwhile, back in the Asylum, pandemonium had erupted! Should this one bring her pictures? What about the petty cash? The back up system? AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!! All this while I was reading about new techniques to keep your container garden healthy and listening to music in my comfy car.

When they finally made their way out of the building, it was decided we should all go to the corner so as not to get maimed by falling sheets of broken glass.

I know you're crazy about my mad drawing skillz!

There we were, standing around looking for signs of smoke.

Can you see it?

No.

Can you smell it?

No.

How hot are the firemen? So hot they can start a fire by just walking into a room! (okay, that was from me, I seemed to be having a one track mind for a moment there)
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Wait! Here comes one now! [repeating in my head ‘I’m married I’m married’] What’s that you say Mr. Gorgeous Fireman? The MORONS LOCKED THE DOOR TO OUR OFFICE SO YOU CAN’T GET IN WITHOUT BREAKING A DOOR WITH YOUR NICE BIG AXE??

Are you wondering how these people operate without the help of a life coach guiding their every step? Me too.

It turns out it was nothing. Just some lady who smokes, smelled smoke so she went all Gung-ho and called the Hot firemen. I’m saving that little useful trick for later. ‘I’m married I’m married’

On an unrelated note, half the building lost power NOT DUE TO THE NON EXISTING FIRE so they brought a generator to power the medical building.

Were they serious?????? Look how tiny!

They must have heard me laughing because they called in the big guns! Still kinda small but better than the rinky dinky one I'd use to power my cellphone.

You know who I would save from a fire? The people over at Humor-Blogs.

Thunderstorms and the fearless dog,

Have I ever talked about Tazz here on this blogus?? Yes?

Okay, then you know he is a little monster when it comes to people. He would sooner make your eyes into appetizers than lick you. HE is my secret weapon against all earthly evils and I love his ferocious little psychoness. We are, after all, very similar in personalities.

But!

Just like I have some weaknesses-eses, so does he. He is terrified of Fourth of July and thunderstorms. He doesn’t fear the Fourth of July because he’s unhappy we liberated ourselves from those crazy British people who don’t think I’m a lady, no, he hates the fireworks and the loud BANG!s.

A couple of years ago, I put him and Mocha out so they could do their business doggy style (and by doggy style, I mean pee/poop in the great wild yonder, NOT the other kind). When I went to go get them 2 minutes later, only Mocha sat by our back porch stoop looking sad and forlorn (or maybe she was gassy, you can’t really tell with her). I called out for Tazz but there was no response. (yes, he responds, usually by either running to the back porch stoop if he's done or by running out, ears flapping, looking at me, then running back to whatever he's doing, this is his way of telling me he's not done)

Since it was about 9:30 pm, our backyard was pitch black. I went inside to get a flashlight to see if he was under one of the pine trees or hiding behind the garage. No way could he have gotten out because our fence is solid wood with no slabs he could go through.

That’s when I saw it. The huge hole he dug IN TWO MINUTES to exit his torturous life of dog treats, ear scratches, SHELTER, and appreciation for his biting style. That’s how the ingrate repaid us, he escaped! To further prove to us how smart he can be, he dug the hole under the fence that's in our side yard thereby giving immediate access to freedom. Any other place he would have ended up in one of our neighbors yards.

I rang the alarm and had all our peeps looking for him. I was terrified since we live ONE block away from a forest preserve WITH A RIVER. Not just any river, a river that joins others into making the Illinois River which in turn is a tributary of the great old M-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye (Mississippi) which in turn yadda yadda Gulf of Mexico.
I was picturing my little Tazzy wazzy surfacing, eating a couple of fisherman, then being hunted by a tribe of Nahuas.

Luckily, he was found by Wilson’s daughter. The dog was in such shock, she was carrying him with her arms still intact!

Uh, anyway! See what you do just by asking me why he feared the Fourth of July??

To make a long story, LONGER, last night we had thunderstorms the likes we hadn’t seen since… Saturday. They came at a most inconvenient time, bedtime.

I was tired so I went to bed at 10, you know, before my mandatory bedtime of 10:30 and for TWO HOURS Tazz was in his kennel trying to dig another tunnel to freedom. Throughout those 2 hours, this is what you heard if you were sitting outside our bedroom window (we’ll come back to WHY you were sitting outside my bedroom window later):

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!! (my interpretation of thunder)

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Bee:
TAAAAAZZ!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!
scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Andy:
TAZZ YOU FUCKING IGNORANT DOUCHE!! SHUT UP!!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

Bee:
OMG!! TAAAZZ! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUTSIDE IN THAT ‘EFFING KENNEL AND TURN YOU UPSIDE DOWN!!

Andy:
No, he’d drown if you turned him upside down.

Bee:
I wasn’t really going to take him outside Andy, I can barely lift that freakin’ kennel ever since I was diagnosed with Rusty-old-shoulder syndrome. I was hoping my threat would scare him enough to shut up.

Andy:
I think it worked since he stopped-

KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!!

SCRATCH SCRATCH DOG HOWLING HAOOOOO MEWHOOOOO

Bee and Andy:
TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got up to threaten his little ass face to face and was shocked to find his kennel was halfway to the front door! I dragged his kennel and put it in the darkest place of the house, Andy's dungeon. I put him under Andy's desk with his chair blocking him from trying to escape again.

If you think that was very cruel of me, shows how much YOU know! That son of bitch finally fell asleep!

Where was Mocha?, you ask. Well, she was sleeping soundly already being used to all the loud barking from Tazz, Andy and myself.



If you click on Humor-Blogs for me, you will accomplish 2 things.
1) You'll keep the boogey man away.
2) You'll keep me in the middle of the ranks.

And the hidden bonus third thing, you'll feel better about yourself for having made me a happier person.

If you smack me with a 3 Musketeer, I guess that'll make me want one...

Okay, I know you think of me as fearless and unrattleable (antonym for rattled) (don’t look it up!) but I have to confess to one weakness (I think I have more but we will not discuss them on this post because it has nothing to do with babies with guns).

I’m not particularly proud of this so I’ll have to beg you not to make fun of me.

Pop up books scare the shit out of me!!

They don’t scare me in the “Oh look! Freddy Krueger is about to lick the side of my face and spear my throat!” it’s more the “Don’t wind the jack in the box cuz I can’t take the suspense as to when it’s gonna pop out!” kind of scary.

Needless to say, I avoid them like I do beets. I know it doesn’t make sense okay. I don't need to hear your lip!

The other day, I was relieving the receptionist while she did god knows what, I grabbed a magazine and started flipping thru it WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!

Something jumped at me!

And almost hit my face!

I jumped from my chair, hid behind a wall to peek over at the weird hand trying to grab me!! I want to know who came up with this horrible add campaign! Heads will roll people!*



Look how freaky this hand looks!

She's a model so I know she must be beautiful but that hand just looks like an elephant paw (foot?)!

What's next? Hoses that squirt lotion at you when you turn the page? ::shiver:: That would be freaky.

You know who is weird and freaky? Someone over at Humor-Blogs! Guess who and you get a prize!

*I shouldn’t have to say this but people take me too seriously. I’m just kidding about the pop up books scaring the shit out of me. I just thought it would be funny if there was somebody out there who had this phobia.
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...
... Okay, they scare me a lil' bit.

P.S.
We went to the laundromat today without Andy hitting any cars! Yay!! Also, there was someone who kept trying to take my quarters! Finally I had to sit the 3 year old down and say "Listen! MINE!" then she climbed over my head and ran away. Hey, I had to make an example out of someone.

There is NOTHING natural about THIS male enhancement!

I was up early one morning (5:57!!! IN THE MORNING!!), having been rudely awakened by a shout of "I want to go potty but can't open the door!" (no, it wasn't Andy.) and then said offender promptly went back to sleep in her princess castle tent (NO, STILL NOT ANDY! Although, I can see why you'd be confused.) after I bruised my rusty old shoulder by slamming it against the freakin' bathroom door!

Anyway, Andy left for work and I stayed up to guard against such things as dogs that like to lick little cheeks and bark at nutin' so I was able to catch this very bizarre- no CREEPY commercial.

BEHOLD! The Creepiest Male Enhancement commercial ever to disgrace your television!


I don't know who cast this commercial but they need to be replaced and/or put before a firing squad.


I used to hang out with this chick named uh Leslutty, if you're a male and live in Illinois (or Indiana, Wisconsin, Kentucky, Iowa, Nevada, California...) you've probably *met* her ::wink wink::, whose only requirement to get to know you better was the offer of a free drink. Well, I think I can say that even she would pass on this sleazeball! Maybe.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. I mean, look at the line of women waiting to sit on Sleazeball Santa's lap! I think there's even a SENIOR CITIZEN in that line!!
**Not that I'm judging since even they need some lovin'.**



Look how happy the lucky lady who gets to be first to sit on his male enhanced lap is! Now thousands of men will rush out and buy this male enhancement doozeit so they can have a line of women dying to... what?? [I just threw up a little bit.]


But wait! There's more!
If you order now, we'll send you the Santa beard for free!

I never knew being home would prove to be so entertaining! Maybe I'll quit my job and just report on absurd commercials. Good idea?

You know what's a good idea? Clicking on Humor-Blogs for me. Thank you!

P.S.
I'm off to see Indiana Jones today. Even though I've heard bad things (-Brother Dan but he likes The Klumps and that explains him) but I'm going to see it with an open mind and a hungry stomach! For nachos!
Early in the morning so there are no people with their little terrors offspring.

It'd be my pleasure to make your nose bleed. Just try not to get it on my shoes.

Alright already! I'm back! Stop with the abusive/threatening e-mails! ;op

I had a nice long weekend and I'm feeling a little bitter about going back to work.
I was this close [picture my index finger and thumb almost touching] to walking out of the Asylum on Friday. But, whatever. Let us not dwell on the assholeyness of all the people who inhabit my work world.

Let's see... what happened this weekend?
Oh yeah! I had a volley game with a moth. I got out of the shower and reached for my towel only to have a moth fly at me! I swatted it but it ricocheted off the door and came back at me. I spiked it but after its dive, it spun and then headed for me again! Was this moth on a suicidal mission? I think so! Hey! I would have left it alone if it would have flown in an opposite direction but it started it! What's up with bugs trying to show me who's boss?? I felt ridiculous so I thought I'd share.
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Anyway, we went to the Chicago Botanic Gardens on Saturday and the day couldn't have been better! I could show you picture after picture of the beautiful views but I'll just show you a few and let you imagine what my paradise looks like. I can't explain the sense of peace that engulfs me as soon as we near the outskirts of The Gardens.

Andy and Natalia at the bottom of the waterfalls. This picture cracks me up because you can't tell where I'm standing when I took the picture. Is he looking at me or is she???
Do you remember this picture from last year? No? Probably only Brian will remember. Here is Natalia using her lungs just like Tio Andy.

Don't they look cute? Even if one of them acts like a 5 year old and is a pain in the ass, I think I'll still keep him. ;o)

As always, after hours of walking amongst beautiful flowers and plants I'd like to smuggle in Andy's pockets, my scalp and nose? Sunburned!
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On a marital note:

We were supposed to see the new Indie film this weekend but Andy decided to throw a Cheetos-like tantrum so we didn't go. I guess that punished us both.

On a books I've read in one day note:

Speaking of Cheetos, I finished reading a book this weekend were they were featured prominently. It's called The Host by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight Series fame. I loved the story but the writing still seems like it's aimed at prepubescent teens. I'm not saying it's a bad thing so don't get all huffy with me, m'kay?
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On a weather note:

I think mother nature has finally decided to make it spring and stopped playing the "ha! I was just kidding here's winter again!" game.

AND LASTLY!!

On a movie you cannot miss note:

We watched Across the Universe recommended by my hippie brother Rick and you know what? It was awesome!! I'm going to buy the soundtrack after work tomorrow (if my shoes aren't too bloody) because the the actors' (and some surprise cameos) interpretations of songs I've listened to since I was able to understand what music was, were so unbelievably radicus that it's going into my iPod labeled as 'Crappy Mood Slayer'. Bono sang my coo coo ka choo song. If you see that movie, you'll not what that means.

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You can slay your crappy mood by clicking on Humor-Blogs and checking out the talent.

So... as Scarlett said "Tomorrow is another day and I'm wearing my new fuckin shoes so it better be a good day or I'll have to wash the blood out of them once I kick somebody in the face!"* Peace be with you.

*she didn't really say all that but I'm thinking she would have if the censor people didn't have sticks up their asses.

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P.S.

I just saved Andy from a vicious June Bug! His words to me, "My Hero!"

The whole time we were there, I was singing ♪♫"At the carwash"♪♫.

So...

A million years ago, when I was still a slave to the family, my sister and I used to wake up every Sunday morning at 5:30 and take 7 people worth of laundry to THE DREADED LAUNDROMAT! We'd get there before its 6 AM opening and be the first people thru the door. The owner guy knew us since we'd spend 4 hours sweating from the heat of the dryers and gagging at the overpowering smell of fabric sheets. He'd have coffee ready for us and sometimes bring donuts.
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Sis and I had many bonding moments over the tide/bleach/downey and the crazy women who would battle us for the dryers. Guess who always won? ;o)
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When we finally moved out of the apartment and bought a house, we also bought a washer/dryer. No more laundromat for us! Each person was in charge of their own clothes so thus ended our servitude or slavitude if you will. Then I got married and lived happily ever aft-...
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Alas, my idyllic happy ending was not meant to last forever!!!
Our freakin' piece of crap washer decided to be a butthole and break! ::sigh::

We have 2 options:
-Replace it which would mean replacing the dryer so that they can match.
OR
-Have it fixed.
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While we ponder, we decided to also hold a social/economical experiment.
We will see how much money we save on our water bill and electricity WHILST (<-as Brian would say) getting material for the blogus by interacting with other humans.
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Sadly, the place was empty.

Nobody to make fun of but ourselves. I had no choice really.
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Bee:
Andy, trust the pro. If I say all your clothes fits in that buck 75 machine, then it fits!
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Andy:
Okay. EXPERT. Then you fit my clothes in there.
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[I did so awesomely! I wonder if I can put that on my resume...]
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Bee:
Is that all the soap you're gonna put in there?? I want my clothes clean! Not smelling like wet crappy laundromat!!
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Andy:
It's concentrated detergent! You don't need more than half a cap full!

[I see this will be our major battle. I'll just have to sneak more soap in the machine when he's not looking.]
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Bee:
Do you think I'm faking it?? Do you think I would lie to you and say my clothes are still wet just so that I could steal a quarter? Give me the freakin' quarter!
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[Seriously?? I think I know when clothes are dry!]
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Andy:
I don't care if you don't want to go see Narnia! You're coming with me because you signed a contract to honor, love and support all my crappy movie choices! ... I'll buy you nachos.
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[That doesn't have anything to do with laundry but it did take place at The Mat.]
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We have given ourselves a month to decide what to do on the replacing/fixing the washer. Luckily, because of my Mantra 'Where do you want the shit to hit you?' things like this do not perturb my coolness.
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Here's a coinky dink. Tracy's washer broke too AND she had to go to the laundromat! Weird.
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For those of you doubting Thomases and Thomasinas, here is a picture of my dark dark house at Eight AM.

Would you be able to pick out a dark brown shoe from a black one?

Hey Hey! Before you go, please click on Humor-Blogs!

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

I find your desire to kill ME extremely annoying.

I think Andy is trying to kill me!!!

Are you done clapping? No? Okay, I'll give you a couple more minutes... ... ...

Done? Okay. Let's move on shall we?

I really do think he's trying to kill me!

Here was my first clue:

Andy:
Bee, I think I'm going to try changing the oil in you car myself.

Bee:
Why? Jiffy Lube* always does a great job!

Andy:
Don't worry, it's just oil.

Bee: [a frown creasing my smooth brow]
'Kay.

THEN!! CLUE #2

Andy:
Bee, I might as well rotate your tires too. All I have to do is move the front ones to the back, back ones to the front.

Bee:
Uhmmm... I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, what if you miss a couple of lug nuts? You might send my car spinning into the river. When I hit a pothole. While I'm doin' 65 in a 45.

Andy:
Nah, you'll be okay. The river isn't so deep around that area.

Bee: [GENUINE FEAR IN MY EYES]
Can you ask my brother to help you?

CLUE NUMERO TRES!

Andy:
I was thinking I should try changing your brakes too.

Bee: [running to hide my car keys]
No! No no no. Now you've gone to far! You've lost your mind! No.

Andy:
It's no big deal! I talked to some guys that said all you have to do is change the whatsit pads blah blah look like an accident blah blah.

Bee:
Andy? Haven't I been the perfect wife? Haven't I encouraged you in every way possible? We've had some good times, right? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?? Won't you miss my constant mocking?

Andy: [scratching his head]
Are you serious or just overreacting?

Bee:
What about when the dogs attack you? Who will save you if I'm ashes are on your night stand?? [I've decided that's where I want to be]

Andy:
Bee! I'm changing the oil, rotating, the tires and changing your brakes. Nothing will happen to you because I obviously pissed off some deity at one time so our lives will be intertwined until the day I DIE!

I have to admit, that was a very compelling argument!
... Still, if you don't hear from me again, maybe you should call the police?



*Jiffy Lube? Seriously?? who came up with that name? K-Y? Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs we'll get some answer!
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P.S.
I just saw a picture of Burt Reynolds nahhked(from the 70's I think)!! Was his father a gorrilla?? Uh... I meant because he's hairy.

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance...

I don't know if you're aware but everybody in my immediate family is born in October. (If you didn't know, now you do and you can file it in the Bee Trivia notebook you have for when I do sell my game.)
My 3 brothers, my sister and my Andy where all born in the same month.
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It's really hard to get them birthday gifts since Christmas is so close and... well, I'm cheap.
No, I'm not cheap. I just don't like spending money on anyone other than myself.
I deserve it, you know?
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Anyway.
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This year, I will buy them something special.
I found the perfect gift for all 5 of them.
My macho brothers, my sensitive hubby, my wacky sister, they will all love their gift!
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I found out.
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That.
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New Kids On The Block will be in Chicago on October 4th!!!


All five of them will be holding hands, singing along to 'Step by Step', 'Hangin' Tough', 'You got it (The Right Stuff)' and of course Jordan Knight's high pitched 'I'll be loving you (forever)'(and by all 5, I meant my family but I'm sure NKOTB will hold hands too)


I know what you're thinking "Bee, no way could you be a bad ass and have been a NKOTB groupie at the same time!"
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Well I wasn't their groupie!
I thought their music was sappy and stupid and was all about GnR, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Metallica etc. and then Grunge. So I went from Hair Bands to unwashed bands but I was not a NKOTB chick.
Ignore anybody that tells you I had a Jordan Knight poster because they're probably on crack!
Did you guys see him on The Surreal Life 3? What a douche!
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So, yeah. I don't know if I'll also give them money to buy themselves a T-Shirt. Probably not.
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Humor-Blogs is giving away free NKOTB tickets so click on the link.

P.S.
Thanks to everybody who took my side on the whole Cheetos controversy. Go out, buy yourselves a bag and send Andy the bill.
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********Disclaimer!
Bee is not responsible for what she types on her posts. She is usually lying and will not be buying anybody, anything, ever, so don't get your hopes up.
She is not lying about NKOTB sucking ass and her love of Metal and Grunge. That part is true. She also thinks you guys pay way too much attention to the fine print. Doesn't it hurt your eyes? Did you click on humor-blogs? Why not?? Do you want to see my cry? Is that it? Why am I friends with you if all you do is torture me so??