Thursday, January 31, 2008

As promised- 13 Words or less.

-31-

Wednesday almost killed me. Scarecrow is a moron. Hammer to Milton’s head.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Here's a long one for ya'! ::grabs crotch::

Day 30.
Question.
How many times does a flatulent Scarecrow come and ask about the weather?
Answer.
Eleven and that's only because I drew a picture of a sunny window so she could stay the hell out of the business office!

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****Heads up! This is a very long post because I had a very long day. You can read it in 2 parts if you want. I won't get mad. I promise tomorrow will be 13 words or less.****
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This is an indicator that your day might turn out to be a huge pile of smelly garbage.

If you are merrily driving to work, singing some nonsense pop tune at the top of your lungs, then you notice a garbage truck get in your lane.
Unfazed, you keep singing about gum drops and lollipops when ALL OF A SUDDEN a wet plastic bag full of lord knows what flies out of the back of the truck and lands on your windshield.
<-Bee's car under that.
If this happens to you, cross over to the opposite lanes without caring how many accidents you cause and just go home!
Just go home!
Don’t bother going to work because you will, mostly likely, have the equivalent of a wet plastic bag with crap smeared all over your face. Yeah, I speak from experience.
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As you may (or not) be aware, Glynda went AWOL all of last week. She quit.
When somebody quits, does their work end? No. That means someone else has to do it, right? Am I wrong? I didn’t think so.

When that someone decides to come back and finds some of her work was done in her absence, should she say thank you and move on or should she act like an asstard and try to rip the other person’s hair out?

Seriously, I want to know.

I need to know what the work etiquette is because I don’t want to have to go to the Hair Transplant Center for Women at the early age of 35. Maybe if/when I’m 65, sure.

For today's post we will refer to her as Glynda the Bad Bitch instead of the Good Witch but just for today, unless she continues her behavior. Then we'll just have to find another name for her.
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The shittacular day was threatening to suffocate me so I decided to go put gas (or PETROL) in my car, at $500 a gallon, during my lunch break. You know, before the ice/snow 30 degree temp drop descended upon us later this evening. Oh, excuse me, I stand corrected. Gas prices have dropped so now they’re only at $499.99 a gallon.


Anyway!

The gas station is only half a block away so there I go Tra-La-La-La…
There, in the middle of the street walking at a turtle pace, is a flock of geese trying to get to a patch of grass.
This is obstacle number one.

After they’re nice enough to get the hell out of my way, another garbage truck blocks the narrow two way street. The driver says “I’ll be just a minute honey.”
Obstacle number two makes my eye twitch for many reasons, I don’t like to be called honey by random strangers and I'm still pissed because of my earlier experience with the first garbage truck from hades.

The gas station is packed since everybody and their winged grandmas wants to fill up before the storm.
Okay, I can deal with obstacle number 3 and wait my turn.

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Finally, one opens up and I pull in.

What happens next will go down in the history of “Worst experiences at a gas station" moments in my life (I’ve had a few).

The donkey’s ass behind me decides he’s going to yell at me for not pulling into the OTHER pump.

Being the submissive little woman that I am, I get out of the car and say “I drive a Hyundai genius! Why would I WANT to put DIESEL in it???” the guy started yelling something I couldn’t understand.
I’m assuming he’s saying that if we were in his country, he would have me stoned, and not the good kind of stoned where we all hang out and see magical colors.
I flip the guy off and tell him to go do a special deed with himself (because I'm such a classy lady) and he drives off.
I pull out a squeegee (isn't squeegee a funny word?? Squeegee squeegee sssssqueegeeeeeee) and proceed to clean off the gunky remains from whatever was in the plastic bag.
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Little did I know my friend was just doing a lap around the lot and coming back to where I was.
I’d finished pumping by then but now it’s a battle of wills and there’s no way I’m letting him use the pump just yet, because I’m mean like that, so I decided to mosey into the store and buy myself a nice chocolate bar. Or maybe some twisty BBQ Fritos mmmm!
Ho-Hum I can’t decide. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the guy standing by his car gesticulating wildly (side note, I love the word gesticulate, it sounds so articulate, I also like the word articulate).
I make my purchases, Kit Kat, Whatchamacallit, Flavor Twist Honey BBQ Fritos (I don’t feel like making ONE more decision so I buy everything I want) and walk out.


My irate friend sees me and freezes. He doesn’t look my way, doesn’t say another word. You know why? Because he must have seen the murder in my BEEspectacled eyes. I make sure my car has no spit anywhere (ANDY!), get in my car and come back to the Asylum. Where I sigh and pretend I didn't lose the last ounce of sanity I had stored in my "Sanity Reserve Drawer".
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So, there I am, licking my Kit Kat [snicker], when Glynda asks me to ask Milton for a $5 check made payable to a police department for a hush hush matter.

I go to Milton and say. OZ wants a check for $5 made payable to XYZ police station.

Milton:
Umm... can... did... can I know why?

Bee:
According to Glynda it's hush hush so, no.

Milton:
Well... proper protocol says I need his permission to do a check.

Bee:
He's not here so you can go ask Glynda why.

Milton:
No offense but I can't just write up checks on your say so.

Bee:
Fine. Go ask Glynda.

Milton:
I just mean...--

Bee:
Don't care. Lost interest. Ask Glynda.

Milton:
Well...--

Bee:
OMG!! I. DON'T CARE. GO. ASK. GLYNDA!!!

At this point I wanted to take out the rolled up Fiver I keep in my winter boot for emergencies (for real, one time I needed 4 more dollars to have enough for a cool pair of shoes I saw at Carson's. I had to drive home and get more money!) and mail it my own freakin' self!
I WASN'T ASKING FOR $500 for my personal use. I was asking for FIVE DOLLARS for OZ!

All I could do was picture myself stuffing every single one of her orifices with my flavor twists. And making some new orifices.
Orificeseses.
Please save me.
<-Frito Twist.
::sigh::
Please click on this picture to save my sanity:


P.S.
If you're worried I ate all those snacks, I didn't.

Bee needs her meds! Somebody give Bee her meds!

-Day 29. George likes spicy chicken. George is getting upset!- George Costanza


****This post is dedicated to
Rickey Henderson real and George Costanza fictional. Since it’s dedicated to a real and a fictional person, this post will be real AND fictional. The writer leaves it up to you to decide which is which. It will also be written in the third person.****
------------------------------------------------


The Squirrely Queen.

Bee was walking thru the park the other day and came across an angry squirrel. When Bee questioned the reason for its ire, the squirrel told her his sad tale.

Once upon a time, there was a Squirrel Queen who decided all male squirrels were to have their tails shaved every March 17th. What was the reason for this humiliation? Since their society was governed by females, the Queen believed all male squirrels needed to be taken down a couple of pegs to remind them who was boss. He resisted, therefore was banished from the Squirrely Kingdom to our world where he has to forage for food and fight off birds, raccoons, cats and dogs. Very sad.

Bee, being the gentle, generous, kind hearted, almost scientologist that she is, decided to help the poor squirrel.

Bee took him to her house, gave him a bath (jealous?), fed him and let him roam free in her backyard.

Bee knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, she's insane since squirrels have all sorts of diseases and are just a step up from rats. You’re asking why Bee is wasting her time and she should spend it volunteering at animal shelters where they have cats and dogs which are REAL pets. You’re also wondering why you should give a crap about a squirrel.

Well, her esteemed readers, you’re right! Bee’s gonna go outside right now and feed that squirrel to her dogs! No, not really. WWTCD? Are you lost? Would you like Bee to explain the whys of this post.*
------------------------------------------------------------------


Compassion? WTF is that?

Has Bee told you Purple Dino-SOUR’s daughter had a baby girl? No? Bee’s sorry. She should have posted about this ASAP. Anyway, the poor girl is in ICU and has been in the hospital for a week.

Her baby gets to go home with daddy but she has to stay, which is very sad, but this means PD will be taking time off.

FROM FEBRUARY TO APRIL!!

When informed of this sad state of affairs, Bee asked (fearing the worst), “Who’s going to take over her duties?”

The responses she got were so illogical that it made her want to take every single one of her coworkers heads a-la 3 Stooges and knock them together! There would be no cerebral damage because... well, they have pea sized brains. It's not like PD was even there!


[Bats Gasp]

“How could you ask that at a time like this?”
“You know, our priority is praying that PD Junior comes out okay!”
“You don’t know how it feels because you’re not a mother!”

::Fucken sigh!::

Bee:
You’re right! Bee has no clue what compassion is because she’s never had something the size of a big chicken shoot out of her lady parts! Bee hopes she does well but she’s never met the woman. Bee's priority is to not get screwed in a very uncomfortable place (no, not the back of a Volkswagen)! A-gain!

Bee's just sayin’.

Also!

Can someone please tell Bee why offices do not stock the other type of liquid paper? The non-liquid paper. Do you know the one Bee's talking about? The kind that looks like little lines of tape. Who in their right mind uses the old liquid paper? Or is it maybe that Bee is a complete moron and unable to operate a little bottle with a tiny sponge? Whatever people! Let's move into the 21st century already!!



P.S.

Word of warning, Bee is feeling extremely cranky because of all the shit going on in her life right now and doesn't know how long it will last.Could be a day could be a year. But it will always be entertaining!

* Here it is: It's not supposed to make sense. WWTCD=What Would Tom Cruise Do?



Thank you for clicking! Please come again!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sunshine and redness

-Day 28. Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.- James Matthew Barrie


Do you see this picture? Today was our first full day of sunshine! We celebrated, as is our tradition, by shutting the blinds!
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Okay, I need some input from everyone.
I'm approaching the 31 day mark of posting daily and am now asking you if I'm getting on your nerves.
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Do you find it a chore to come check me out everyday? I could probably keep it up longer but I don't want to over stay my welcome.
If you're tired of my on and on moaning-groaning-whack-'em-slap-'em stories just say the word and I'll come to your living room, office, bathroom only about 5 days a week. Maybe more if something exciting happens.
By exciting I mean me opening the mail and finding I've just won a vacation to Zimbabwe but I have to transfer 10 Grand into an over seas bank account.
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Anyway, I'm going to bed early today because I can feel in my bones I'm going to have a long, difficult day tomorrow.
It seems Glynda The Good might be coming back to the Asylum. This is why it doesn't pay to be one of the good guys, they always get trampled on!
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P.S.
My new mission is to talk Andy into buying me this:
Red Blackjack Ooh Aah!
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Some of the reasons I've given him are:
1) It matches many of my shoes.
2) It matches many of my purses.
3) It matches my nail polish.
4) It matches some of my jewelry.
5) It matches my laptop.
6) I'd be happy for at least a month.
7) IT'S RED!!!!!

Oh Nachos! My Nachos!

-Day 27. Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.- Joseph Barth

So...
the hubs and I went to see Cloverfield and it wasn't as scary as I thought. I also didn't get dizzy, pukey, shaky, wobbly or woozy. Maybe I've become immune due to the fact that ALL our homemade movies look like a chimp had the camera.
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While at the theater, we ordered our Nachos (wouldn't be a movie without cheesy crunchy spicy goodness) and I think I've said before what a passion I have for Nachos.
I pick the movie theater based solely on how good their Nachos are.
Over the years I've been tempted to buy my own cuz Andy will sometimes hog 'em, I don't of course, because they cost like $50.
An-y-way, he knows my Nacho love and yet, when it's his turn to have them on his lap, he doesn't eat them!
He just sits their watching the movie!
Now, correct me if I'm wrong but what is the point of watching a movie without eating Nachos?? Then he gives me the stink eye when I ask for them cuz I'm interrupting the movie-watching... he seriously needs to set his priorities straight! ;op

Something else I found interesting was that every preview was based on our bleak future via wars, diseases, aliens and one movie will take us back to 10,000 BC to tell us how bad our future might have been.
OH AND A NEW STAR TREK!! (I will leave it up to you to decide whether I'm excited or completely confused as to why).

We also saw this poster for the upcoming The Dark Night movie. I found it very disturbing.



Once home, Andy and I had a series of small disagreements. Nothing major, just everyday little pet peeves we have because not all is Moonlight and Margaritas in our little household.
After one of our battles, he walked away and Mocha tried to eat my cookie so I said "No Mocha!" you know I gotta protect my cookie, for some reason Andy thought I was saying something mean to him so he howls "what!?!"
Me:

Uh... I was talking to Mocha.
Andy:
Sure you were!
Me:
Listen buster bananas! If I want to say something to you I'll say it!
Andy:
Yeah Okay.
Me:
What? You think I'm afraid of you?

And so it continued until we each went to our corners, he not convinced that I'm more afraid of babies with guns than him and I not convinced Mocha wouldn't try to steal my cookie.

For some reason that took me back to fights I had with my brothers... what??
Are we the only ones that have dumb fights like that?

Anyway, hope you all had a good Saturday.

P.S.
We saw 27 Dresses last week and I loved it! (Andy did too.)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

What happened to the hot guy from Top Gun??

Day 26. -By ridicule and many other means, another who is evil-intentioned toward one can try to bring about one's decline. L. Ron Hubbard [I guess I would be that ONE.]


Thanks to NCS for bringing this awesome video to my attention! She knows how much I love and admire Tom " The mothership will land one day" Cruise. He is my Father Al if you will.

This video is of Jerry O'Connell flattering my Tom by re-enacting his nutcase I MEAN uh recruiting video.

Please watch so you can laugh as crazily as I did so I won't feel like a fool for laughing by myself.

It. Is. Funny.

Here is the original one, you decide.

Alrighty, off to bed. But remember, if you see an accident, leave it to a scientologists because only they can help!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Green- beans, peas, broccoli...poop??

-Day 25. I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.- Mel Brooks


So...

I checked my Sitemeter the other day and was amused to find that the number one search that brought people to my humble little blogus wasn't anything porn related. I know you're disappointed but the search was actually people worried about "green poop".
YUP! G-R-E-E-N P-O-O-P!
All because of this post!



Here are the questions exactly as typed. I decided to answer them since I'm a public servant of humanity and all.



********Please note I am a medical expert because I work in a doctor's office and therefore know it all. I mean, I don't handle any of the patient... stuff but I hear things that are sometimes useful medically, kinda.********

::deep breath:: Here we go!



do eating dates turn your poop green?
Well it can't help! Now, these dates you eat, is it after you've bought them dinner? Because if they had a yucky Mint Milkshake this might contribute to your green colored poop. You might want to say the following to them "I plan on having you for a snack later, please do not ingest any Mint Milkshakes."

Oz green poop
Are you telling me he has green poop? Are you asking me IF he has green poop? I need you to come back and clarify because I don't want to answer your question incorrectly. And plus, as far as the little piece of my mind that is still sane (really small piece) is concerned, OZ doesn't have any bodily functions what-so-ever!

what would make poop green?
Well eating dates is one way as per the fellow above states. Also eating green bagels. Don't eat those because then a family of Fungusses will make their home in your tummy and you will spew like jean knee's peeps!


pregnant green poop
A long time ago there was a show called Ripley's Believe It or Not. They also had a traveling museum and I believe still have one in Canada. The reason I'm telling you this is because if your have pregnant green poop, I'd try to make some money by selling it to a museum or traveling circus before it has it's babies.

can eating too much broccoli cause green poop?
No, I think you're confused. Broccoli is good for your poop but beware of carrots, they make your poop orange.


why is my poop green when I'm sick?
Maybe you're halucinating, how many fingers am I holding up? Wrong! It was 17! Take two green skittles and call me in the morning.

smart price wine gums
Sorry, how'd that get in there? Brian, was that you?

why is some poop green?
Crayons. Eating too many green crayons can make poop green so stay away from those. Also stay away from Blue and Yellow, try Red or maybe Purple.

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Alrighty, any other questions let me know!

Click please! :o)

Other searches included "pink pig butt"... ???????

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Was women's lib a fib?? I'm setting the record straight!

-Day 24. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.- Woody Allen
So…
“Slap my ass and call me a monkey’s uncle!”
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I was listening to my radio show (not mine as in I own it or am on it, just mine as in I listen to it every morning) and they said there is a law in 7 states, Illinois is one of them, that says a wife is a husband’s property
SAY-FREAKIN’-WHAT???

[Picture me doing the neck roll pointing finger move]
I ain’t nobody’s property! [Okay, I can't pull off the neck roll thing. I admit it.]
I don’t belong to my mom, my government much less MY HUSBAND!!
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It seems this is a law that was around in olden times and nobody has removed it from the books. How about we do that now? So much for woman’s liberation! Remove these shackles from me before I strangle someone with them.
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I think the law should be amended as follows:
“In the year of male-chauvinistic-asinine-rules, a decision was made to declare a wife as part of a man’s property. Now that we as humans are, to a certain extent, a tad more intelligent, we have realized the ridiculousness of this law and therefore declaring wives are not just assets to barter, sell, loan, give as gifts.
From this moment on we will declare everyday ending in “Y” “Wife’s Day”.

Wives throughout our land will be showered with gifts and love, but mainly gifts ranging from jewelry to shoes and more shoes.
Raise your Margarita glasses (or beverage of choice) and salute wives everywhere!"
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[APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE!!]
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You, YOU RIGHT THERE!
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By the powers vested in me authorized by people who will die if they oppose me (not so much die as be very irritated once I give them a million little paper cuts and then pour lime juice all over them) grant you your freedom!!!
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In the immortal words of William Wallace played by Mel Gibson "Blah Blah Tada Blah FREEDOM!"
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As you were.
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Don't forget to click for the cool chick. What do you mean "what cool chick?"? ME! ;o)


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

TGIHD-Thank God It's Hump Day.

Day 23. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. - Mary Kay Ash


You guys know I'm doing the whole 365 day posting thing but today was a busy day so I will leave you with this question.


Knowing what an asshole OZ is to everyone (except me), why did I feel horrible when I met with him for some quick questions today and saw he was looking lost and haggard?


Okay, forget me leaving you with just this question. Now I have to tell you guys that the Bats are thinking I'm up for the role of Glynda! Little do they know I'm not into sparkly crystal pumps. More like these, the better to spear you with my dear!



Anyway, change is in the air...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bat Guano, not just for breakfast anymore.

-Day 22. I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.- Hank Aaron--- okay I know this quote is about a baseball bat but I feel the same way about MY bats, you know choking the life outta them with my bare hands...


So…
The halls of the Arkham Asylum have been rocked to their very core!
To. Their. Very. Core.
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Glynda has disappeared. She has vanished to the far reaches of her suburb never to return again! Well, unless OZ can grovel through human/dog/cat/skunk/etc shit and persuades her to come back. He might be able to pull it off. He is the Great and Powerful OZ after all!

Anyway, now all hell has broken loose, I am witnessing a power struggle the likes Bat History has never seen.
Being the forward preventive thinker I am (as in, I don’t have the cheery attitude it takes to withstand a stay in prison since I’d get shived a minute after I got there after ripping a bats head off) (either that or I'd befriend the guards and have them do my bidding which would cause such an uproar in prison, the prisoners would strike and not do their mandatory license plating duties and the DMV would be backed up with orders therefore creating vehicular chaos! Really, it's for the best that I stay amongst the civilians, the good of humanity if you will), I warned them that I was NOT taking any orders from anyone other than the big guy. Yup, Phillip Seymour Hoffman himself!

The most disturbing thing I witnessed was while at lunch.
OZ came in and told me about his buddy and the Margaritas he’d had ( I guess I have a rep for liking Margaritas,
I wonder where that came from?) and CL practically threw herself in front of me to get his attention.
Weird.
I slowly backed out of the room and let her have her moment in the spotlight (which lasted all of 3 seconds since he ran out of there faster than you can say, well, "bat". OR! Faster than a bat out of hell...)
When I described CL's behavior to Milton, I used the following words, much to Mrs. Novinger's (my English teacher) pride I'm sure, I said she was overly effusive. Hheh? Are you impressed?? I didn't even know I knew what that meant until I said it!
The little things that make me happy.

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Honestly, even though my life will be miserable-er here for a while, I hope she does stay gone. OZ treated her like his own personal toilet paper. And not to blot the sweat from his face, think lower.
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Thank you for reading another excerpt of my daily horror stories! Y'all clicky on the lil' icon so I can stay in the top thirty please!

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Okay, this Hank Aaron dude totally rocked! Here's another quote: The pitcher has got only a ball. I've got a bat. So the percentage in weapons is in my favor and I let the fellow with the ball do the fretting.-
Hank Aaron

Monday, January 21, 2008

Blinding you with my interpretation of science...

-Day 21. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.


It's still cold here in the best city on Earth and it's neighboring planets.

Because of the cold, I had one of the coolest experiences of my life. This will give you an insight on how sad my life really is. No, this is not a cry for help nor am I feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sayin' my life isn't as cool as say... Joan Jett's. I saw her on TV recently and she still rocks! If I could pull off the straight, spiky (spikey? I dunno, you know I suck at spelling) black hair I would cut my hair like her in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I'd wind up looking like a Gothic Troll.


Oh well, there goes another dream! Don't worry, I'm getting to my story.

We're keeping our water bottles in our unheated back porch since it's colder than the fridge. I went to grab a bottle and to my surprise, it froze as soon as I touched it.

When I told Andy, he didn't believe me and thought I was doing some sort of magic trick. Seriously magic?? Maybe I do have powers... I mean, we all agree I'm cool right? Being so cool I turn water to ice wouldn't be too far fetched.
I was so amazed, I proceeded to use my freezing powers on every single bottle left in the pack. If I grabbed them by the lid nothing happened, it wasn't until I touched the bottle that it started freezing. My hands are a little frost bitten but it was totally worth it!

Click below so you can see my home made video of this awesome phenomenon. If someone complains about my movie making capabilities (Brian!!), I'll hunt you down and let Tazz the Ferocious either sit on you or bite you. Believe me when I say neither one would be pleasant!

video

video

By the way, I'm auctioning one Husband, Semi-Used. He is irritating the hell out of me right now because he's making fun of the fact that I'm afraid of black holes. Uhm! Hello??? Who the hell isn't??

Now he's asking me if I ever went on Match-dot-com to see who they would pair me with! I told him "No! Chances are my soul mate is waiting for me and instead I'm sitting here being harassed for fearing something with a gravitational field so powerful there would be no escape and we'd all die!"

He does laundry, grocery shopping and gives lots of hugs. He's potty trained and will sometimes pick up after himself. I'll start the bid at $500,000 (I know it seems high but I'd have to get another one so...)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I survived the first deep freeze... minus my big toe.

-Day 20. The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck! ~Author Unknown-
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So...
Our high was -3 degrees Farenheit today with the wind chill making it feel like -21, I know what your thinking "Were you wearing your bikini?" Nah, I haven't shaved my legs since October.
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I took the mutts outside and Mocha was being a smart-ass, running around the pine trees sticking her tongue out at me, daring me to come get her.
She wouldn't come in! No matter how many times I yelled "Get the phuck over here you little bitch! I'm freezing my bladdernuts!"
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Andy said it might be my tone of voice so I repeated the words in a sweet and loving way but still no Mocha.
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I had to come back inside the house, grab my hoodie and go out and threaten her with physical harm. While that made her come in, my face now looks like I had a chemical peel and an unhealthy supply of botox. Silver lining- no wrinkles.



I snuggled in to watch some TV and you know what? I think someone is trying desperately to get my attention and convince me to exercise.
.
Why else would I stumble across this, the most awesomest of chairs?

It's called the Hawaii Chair and it works by swiveling you around, working your abs and "core" (I like the word "core" it sounds like it's the most important part of your body! Forget your eyes! They don't matter as much as YOUR CORE!)
.
Any-who...
The commercial I saw was of people in their office environment, at their desk, working on their computer, while swiveling! ::while swiveling!:: Where has this chair been all my life? I don't think I can go back to work without it! Oh well, life is full of disappointments I guess...
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If you want to see me swiveling while singing opera, click here.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Venetian tries to speak Martian without success

-Day 19. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.- George Carlin

Venetian Bee [calling husband while on his way home]:
Babe, can you fix my windshield wipers, they're frozen to the windshield. I was afraid to pull them too hard in case they broke. Cars in the garage.
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Martian Andy:
Sure
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[next scene Andy walks in to get Bee's car keys, Bee confused as to why he needs them but at the same time not confused becasue she knows her man oh so well]
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Andy:
Did they make any noise?
.
Bee:
What? The wipers? I didn't need to turn them on, they're just frozen to the windshield.
.
Andy:
Did they not move?
.
Bee:
I didn't need to turn them on, there's just a layer of ice on them so they're frozen to the windshield.
.
Andy:
So what's wrong with them?
.
Bee [losing it]:
THEY'RE FROZEN TO THE WINDSHIELD!
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Andy:
DON'T YELL AT ME! I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR! NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN'T SPEAK CLEARLY!
.
Bee:
&%$^#$!!!!! [edited for television but he understood me clearly!]

To be continued.
..
..
I found this clip on another blog many moons ago but now I don't remember which one... my oldtimers acting up again I guess.
It's a young preacher and his slip of the tongue. I guarantee it's funny!





Friday, January 18, 2008

I'll take one for the team!


Day 18. Money is not the most important thing in the world, love is. Fortunately, I love money.- Anonymous



So...
I heard in the news, that people can get sick from handling money due to the fact that germs and bacteria live on paper and coins with no way to disinfect them.
I, as a public servant, will make it my mission (I know what you're thinking "another mission Bee? Your selflessness in serving humanity equals Tom Cruise's intense desire to help the world heal itself thru scientology, our hero!" ) to keep these illnesses from afflicting you guys. I will sacrifice my health for you.
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Just send me all your money but make sure you wear gloves while putting it in envelopes, or for you more wealthy people, boxes.
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For you ladies that had the misfortune of contaminating your wallets or cool purses, send those to me too.
I'll make sure they're disposed of in a proper fashion. As in, I will wear them with my fashionable shoes.
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Remember, this is what germ/bacteria looks like!
No need to thank me.
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Clicky for me!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Irresistible Meme

-Day 17. A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. - Leopold Stokowski
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So... Frogster had an interesting meme:

The Band Meme. This what you do. As you'll see, mine came out pretty cool!

1. Click on this link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random . The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link.
http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 . The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. Click on this link.
http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ . The third picture is your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together and you’re done.

My album cover is:



About my music:

It'll bring tears to your eyes and make you wonder why anyone would listen to anything else.

You'll ask me why it took me so long to express myself thru my heavenly voice.

It will be the first thing you listen to every morning as you start your day.

When your coworkers ask you what you're listening to, you'll explain who I am and spread the word about my soothing melodies.

I will be the soundtrack to your life as you're relaxing, unwinding, meditating, in the evenings.

As an added bonus, listening to my voice while you sleep will unite your body, mind and soul. Nirvana.

You can find me in iTunes under this label:

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YODELING.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The joys of dating

-Day 16.When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein


So...

My little brother Rick, I guess at 25 he's not that little, was over for dinner last night and we got to talking about break ups.

He then told us the following tale.

He was on a train with a new "girlfriend" who was working his last nerve by going on and on like a wind up pair of chattering teeth.


He said he finally got sick of her so at the next stop, he got up without saying a word and walked off the train leaving her sitting there with her mouth open. He never spoke to her again.

**I do not condone being this cruel to anybody but I have to admit to laughing my ass off.**

What I discovered about Rick was this, he is the reason they make this chew toy for dogs.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm in a commited, until death do us part, relationship.
...................................................................................
This is for Chris @Serendipity Mine (and for anybody else that wants it).

Here's our "we believe button". He wasn't gonna be just any alien, he had to be bad ass!


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

PSA# 1712 Unacceptable term of endearment

-Day 15. Life is uncertain; eat dessert first. -Nancy Bukauskas
Husband to wife.

"Give me a hug, my little chunky monkey!"

Bad! Bad husband!

I don't object to "monkey", who wouldn't want to be a limber little trouble maker, it's the "chunky" part that makes me want to throw feces.


On a completely UNRELATED subject, I gained 4 pounds from October to now!

Monday, January 14, 2008

My mommy comes home today!!

-Day 14. You tried your best and you failed
miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
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So...
Normally, on an occasion like this, we would sacrifice a virgin (person who never had alcohol) by celebrating with champagne, strawberries and straight shots of Tequila... what's the occasion? you ask. I'm glad you did!
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This is my 200th post!
That's a TWO with 2 ZEROS behind it!!
Did you think the day would never come?
Did it hit you so unexpectedly that you didn't have a chance to buy and mail my gift?
Don't fret because my humbleness does not let me brag about certain things and having crossed such a momentous milestone in blogland is not something I want to draw attention to.
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I mean, sure, I'd like to shine a spotlight on today while everyone does cartwheels while singing my awesomeness but I won't let you guys go so far for me.
Not for little ol' me! But if you do, I want pictures. Better yet, VIDEO of you doing cartwheels while singing, just email it to beesmusings@gmail.com, I won't make fun of you... much.
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Enough about me.
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In case you didn't know, husband Andy and I are usually in 2 different rooms of our house, happily co-existing.
While he kills orcs or is an orc or something, I stalk bloggers and uh... do other important stuff.
Sometimes, there are the few moments where he walks out of his dungeon and makes me look up some video on You Tube. Usually it's a guy thing that leaves me cold, then there's the rare occasion that he stumbles upon something that has me in stitches!
Thus the video below. It is a real newscast. Real! If you don't get it the first time re-watch it.
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If you've seen it already and are thinking "Bee, this thing is old news! Where have you been that you hadn't seen it before?"
Well my dear friend who likes to insult me all the time, in the immortal words of Vinnie Barbarino "Up your nose with a rubber hose!"

If you're wondering what the title had to do with this post... nothing, nothing at all.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

You had me at Red Leopard Print!!


-Day 13. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.-
Henry Ward Beecher



So...
Hard day.
BUT!!
We showed what we're made of, my wacky siblings, our wacky spouses and I.

After mass, the funeral director gave us the little flags you put on the cars for a funeral procession and you should have seen the guys.
They were so amped to be able to go thru red lights and stop signs! Seriously.
My brother Sergio whispered right away, "You can go thru red lights with these things." to Andy and Dan.
Any hopes to steal one was dashed since the funeral dude took them as soon as we parked at the cemetery. I'm thinking he's had some go missing...
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On the way to the cemetery, we were sitting in the car, quietly reflecting, when all of a sudden AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" came on... Andy changed the station quickly but the next song was "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate and we catch "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, you sexy thing!" another quick change of station "Dance till you can't dance till you can't dance no more" C+C Music Factory with "Everybody Dance".
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Andy said that was the strangest soundtrack to a funeral he ever heard. Well, we lost it and had a good laugh.
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Our car was car number 2 in the funeral procession and Andy started feeling the pressure, helped by Nancy and I of course, because he was afraid if he waited too long to go or hesitated, he could screw up the timing. Should he stop for gas? But he did fine, YAY Andy!
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After all the emotional-ness, the brothers decided to get something to eat, so our little caravan of 7 people looked for the nearest IHOP. (I know what you're thinking, "IHOP? Why oh why must you go to the food poisoning capital of the world?!" We survived. This time.)
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We were having a good time, remembering things, teasing each other (We discovered Dan looks--a little tiny bit--like McSteamy, just a little bit, Dan- maybe just the facial hair) when brother Sergio exclaims, "I have an announcement!" The whole restaurant stopped what they were doing, complete silence, waiting for him to say... what?
Is his wife Esmeralda pregnant? What? What???
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Sergio:
Esmeralda is going back to her natural hair color.
... ... ... ...
Laughter!
Did that merit an announcement? Ummmm... no!
If it was an announcement, was it his to make? No, not really Sergio. No, no.
For some reason that just cracked us up.

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Leaving the IHOP, the guys spotted EVIL Best Buy, electronics store and women's hell, therefore our caravan moved to there where, to my surprise, they had a rack of awesome laptop carriers and iPod accessories (red and leopard print baby!). Now if they would only take Esmeralda's suggestion and stock it with shoes... we might not want to drill holes in our foreheads while the men look at yet another Mega Dimensional Half Inch Thick TV with super sonic sound.
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So this is where our day ended, the dudes playing Rock Band and school teacher, Esmeralda, making us play a trivia game (WHICH I WON! IN YOUR FACE!!) (I think I won...??) (Yeah, for the purposes of this post I won!).
Good times. Good memories.

Oh, and some lady was hitting on Andy, in church!!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Lulu 12/25/35-1/9/08



After months of suffering, our beloved Lulu has left us. She was a feisty lady that loved us more than we deserved.
Saturday we will sit next to her sons and daughters and feel a part of their family because of her. We will share their grief.
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Now you will be subjected to things I either learned from her or we fought about because I was too stubborn to change.
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1)
Don't leave your purse on the floor. It's bad luck. [okay, but only because I don't like getting my purse dirty]
2)
No matter what you're doing, you should always look nice doing it. [we'd always dress up when we visited you but my toilet scrubbing does not warrant heels and make up :o)]
3)
Take care of your husband. [I agree--sometimes--]
4)
However, if that man is no good for you, kick his ass out of your life. [she lead by example]
5)
Cold chile rellenos are not good. [we ate them anyway because we love you]
6)
Guavas in a jar are de-lish! [although not as good as the fresh ones]
7)
You can never have too much jewelry. [thank you for stocking my collection]
8)
Nothing says love like a fresh Concha, coffee and gossip. [this one will be hard to do without you]
9)
Always keep coloring books and crayons in a drawer. [it helped with my short attention span]
10)
Find the sunniest room in your house and fill it with plants. [I tweaked that one a little and just put plants in every available space in my house]
11)
Don't take shit from anybody. [AMEN!]
12)
Don't take yourself too seriously and learn to laugh at what life throws you. [you were the best teacher]
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I'm sure there's allot more...
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We will miss you.
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..............................

Life Ever After

Life filled with pain and sorrow, surrounded powerless
Fighting for yesterday, today and tomorrow
Sadness in knowing the pain this is causing
Comfort in God’s reward for constant suffering

Walking through fields of beautiful flowers
Their dizzying perfume and sent filling the senses
Watching the sun rise and set with amazement
Colorful birds singing their joy for God’s life ever after

Breathing God’s presence and knowing he loves us
Pleasure in watching loved ones lives fill with happiness
Hoping their love will strengthen their power
Looking as more arrive, enjoying their wonderment

Dancing beneath the stars, stretching and reaching them
Plentiful rainbows radiating brightness
Sun light and moon light together in harmony
Basking in God’s Love and Glory, knowing that fear no longer threatens

Flame that has not been extinguished only transcended all time and all matter
Gathering flowers, humming along with the beautiful music
Peacefully embracing memories, knowing that one-day we will all be reunited
Waiting patiently, lovingly smiling...

Bee

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Cor-Ruts need friends.


-Day 11. Please wake me up from the
nightmare that has my Brad looking this ugly.-
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So, Andy and I are having a "disagreement" on what the next movie we see should be.
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He wants to see "I Am Legend" but I told him I work with whacked out zombified people everyday, why would I want to pay to sit in a confined dark place and see them 10 times larger than real life?!
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I want to see 27 Dresses but he said something along the lines of having some sort of male parts I don't have but I wasn't very clear on what he meant.
Why don't we go see both movies? you ask. We don't want to. It's either one or the other. We are all about the "all or nothing" which is why we're having this blow out fight, I mean "disagreement".
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This has brought us to the sad realization that we have no friends. I can't tell him, "why don't you go with Billy Bob and Bubba Jr. to see it?".
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So, now we're taking applications to find our "going out friends". Here are a few questions.
1)
Do you have access to a limo? [it's the only way I travel]
2)
Will you have a problem with paying all the time? [don't look at it as a negative, you're paying for the honor of our company]
3)
Do you have an endless supply of jokes? [we like to laugh since our life is usually humorless]
4)
Will you relocate to Chicago? [a suburb is also acceptable but I'd prefer you move to a high rise condo in downtown Chicago]
5)
Would you be willing to watch Rabid Tazz and Barky Mocha when we leave town. [don't worry, we might come back]
6)
Will you help replant my garden? [and by help I mean do it all by yourself while I drink lemonade (margaritas)]
7)
Do you have any Grey Poupon? [integral to the whole limo traveling]
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That's all I have for now since Warden Andy is walking back forth saying he's going to unplug my laptop! I still have a bed time even though I'm this many->right hand-3, left hand-5.
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Are you feeling sad for us right now? Don't! If our major issues are about the next movie we see, our life is going pretty good if not down right awesome-ly (except for that weird smell in our back porch).

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Brad Pitt vs Big Head

-Day 10. This song keeps playing in my head: ♪♫☺"California...knows how to party Californ-i-a...knows how to party In the citaaay of L.A. In the citaaay of good ol' Watts! In the citaaay, the city of Compton We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!" ♪♫☺ ... ...
I think I've gone over the edge. Yeah, I think I have!-


Yesterday, my friend BIG HEAD (aka BD) and I almost came to blows! Yup, I was was gonna take him and shake him like a rag doll until his brainwaves registered a 9 on the Richter scale. Yeah, I'm that strong!
Anyway, here was the argument via e-mail fight.
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BD:
Can you believe [girlfriend] thinks Brad Pitt is cuter than me? THAN ME, BEE!! WTF is that about? I got pissed and left!
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Bee:
You can't blame the girl Brad Pitt is a Greek God. You know how I feel about him, he's on my list. [sorry Andy but you got your list too]
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BD:
WHAT?? Are you on crack you must be on crack! I used to respect your opinion but now I'm not sure! COME ON! BETTER LOOKING THAN ME?? YEAH YOU'RE ON CRACK!!
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Bee:
Look, you're cute in a Kermit-the-Frog-on-acid-kind-of-way but Brad Pitt is on a way way way different level. Just accept that and you're life will be cheerios again.
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BD:
OH! HELL! NAH!
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And so this caused an onslaught of "hate" comments and e-mail. Don't you just love how our verbal/written fight consisted of us calling each other crack or acid fiends?
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What? Where was I that I had time for an e-mail duke-out? At work, where I have all the time in the world...
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BUT!!
I'm a fair person so I will leave it to the people.
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[I just want to add that we shouldn't get mad when our significant others lust after unattainable celebrities but I would never tell my man that Brad Pitt is better looking than him cuz it's just not true!] [wink]
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This is the infamous BD.





This is Brad Pitt:
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BD.



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Yeah, I know who wins hands down.
BD loses, I win!
♪♫☺ Cali-for-n-i-a knows how to paaaarty! ♪♫☺

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Sugar n' spice and everything nice...

-Day 9. My brain is too tired to have any delusions. Nope! Nothing but sane thoughts. I think I'll pay the bills while I'm still able to add and subtract.-
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Well, I watched niece Natalia again.
I'm exhausted.
I made waffles, drove her to school, ran errands, cleaned the house, picked her up, fed her again, cooked dinner, made a fool out of myself trying to play Guitar Hero III. They kept booing me off the stage! Bastards.
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Anyway, the question of the day, from the 4 AND A HALF year old, was "what did people do before bathrooms were invented?"http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17498.gif
I went on to explain about outhouses and holes in the ground and all that crappola. My fear was she was going to ask me what people did before toilet paper, luckily, she just nodded as if everything made total sense.
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I wanted to cover my butt in case she asked another bathroom related question like "who invented it" or "who had the first one" and came upon these pictures doing my research.
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This one would scare the... well, you know.

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I don't think I could over go in this one. EVER!
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Hmmmmm... I keep picturing this one in a brothel for some reason. Not that I've ever been to one.
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What would we do without the Internet? Our life would be lacking in weirdness.
Carry on.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Kids these days.

-Day 8. Today is a sane day.
I ate a mango and watched the lightening illuminate my dead garden. I saw the fairies taunting me while they danced in the rain. The tall one seems to be their leader. Did I say it was a sane day?-


So... I have the honor of watching Natalia this week, she came with me for a half day of work on Monday (insisted on a paycheck) and I've realized I'm no match for a 4 year old, excuse me- 4 AND A HALF year old.
We came home, did the usual lunch thing of chicken nuggets and apple juice but she wanted to watch Shrek 3 (the things I do for that child) while she ate. She kept singing something I thought was "Barracuda" but... Nah! It couldn't be! Low and behold... what is the song the princesses are singing when they help free the kingdom?
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If you guessed "Barracuda" by Heart, you win the Dust Bunny prize. To say I was surprised this song was a part of a child's movie is putting it mildly. Picture me sitting on a high stool (looking beautiful of course) (in my bleached out AC/DC T-shirt and tattered sweatpants) (blue not purple) trying to keep my balance as Snow White started screeching AAH-AAAh AAAAAAA-AH!! Barracuda???Seriously????
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She took a nap and when she got up wanted to watch Noggin.
They sang a song that went like this: "Winter wonderland blah blah blah if your friends throw you a snowball respond Quid Pro Quo".
They said "Quid Pro Quo"! On a channel for small children!!
Why am I upset? Because if the little one would have heard this (luckily she was playing her piano) she would have asked me what that meant.

It's not that I don't know what that means, it's just that I don't know when to stop on definitions/explanations. They can go an on, which can lead to more questions which may end up in me calling my sister to say "Sorry Nancy, Natalia now thinks we never actually landed on the moon. I don't know where she gets these conspiracy theories..."
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Child interaction is hard.
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I was talking to my SIL Esmeralda, who is a 5th grade public school teacher (IN THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO), and she told me something disturbing.
She asked her class to write down some New Year resolutions and two little girls wrote down "to lose weight"... WTF!!
These little girls are 10. TEN!
At 10 I was... uh... I don't remember but I'm damn sure I wasn't thinking about my weight! Why are kids growing up so quickly? It's scary what insecurities they're having before they've even hit puberty! ::sad sigh::
People that deal with kids (parents, teachers) have my respect, I have no idea how I would handle a situation like that.
No. Idea.
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Anyway, here is Natalia as Andy's biggest fan. I gave him Guitar Hero III for Christmas.
She currently likes country music cuz her daddy's from Texas but we'll get her to rock out to Metallica, Nirvana and Guns and Roses! BWAHAHAHA!!
If you're thinking you should keep your kids away from my psycho-ness, I say good idea.
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Quick shout out to mother-freakin'-nature! Thanks for giving us the double flip off by having us on flood watch! No rain please, send us snow!! (bitch)
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Don't know the Barracuda song I'm referring to? Click below.