I am going to surgically attach my cell to my wrist because that way I will never ever miss important photo opportunities like big yellow-red rats mocking PETA.

Have I ever told you guys how defenseless I feel when I forget my cellphone? I constantly find myself reaching for the spot where it usually rests on my desk. I would have taken a picture of the spot but I forgot my cellphone.

You see, my cell is no longer something I just make phone calls with. Since I no longer have access to the internet at work (which sucks because I can no longer harass Brian and jean knee while I’m at work so now they go on about their lives in peace and who wants that???), I check my email on it, read my favorite blogs, AND take pictures of interesting things.

On Friday, I forgot it at home. And what happens??? Across the street from my office some dudes inflated a giant rat! A giant scary rat with fangs and claws ready to eat you up! This thing was huge and not really lifelike because it was yellow and red but it still had a menacing look to him.

We stood in front of the window wondering what they were advertising using a rat. They had inflated it near some apartment building so one of the bats said, “maybe they’re trying to advertise vacant apartments” and I was like “with a rat?? ‘Hi! Come live here, we have rats!’ No, I doubt it.”

Then, when the coffee made me smurt, I figured out they weren't advertising, they were protesting something. Unfortunately, we couldn’t make out what the signs said and I was too lazy to walk over, the street is one of the busiest in the area, so I just came up with different scenarios in my head.

-They were protesting Scarecrow's very short shorts because hello? It’s Casual Friday not Hoochie Dress Up Day. I know some older women can pull it off but picture the old tanned lady from Something about Mary. Only more wrinkly.

- They were protesting PETA's obsession with eating rocky mountain oyster. Seriously, PETA! You guys are sick!

- They were protesting because I haven't gotten a raise in my allowance in 3 years. We need to know why! I've done all most of my chores!

- They were protesting Milton's constant criticizing on their disorganized protest. "They should hold the signs up higher! They should have printed bigger signs! I can't read what they say! Why is that man on his cellphone?? He doesn't seem too interested in his protest!" and so on.

I was upset with myself for not having my phone so I may photo document this exciting event but I think I came up with a solution so that you may experience what I was seeing semi-first hand.

I was originally going to draw it for you but my drawing looked like cavemen chasing a chia pet so I recreated it with things around my house.

Okay, here we have that big dragon thing representing the rat, a couple of Bonsai trees representing the trees, flowers representing flowers, Betty Boop in her smoking convertible representing cars driving by and honking their support, the 2 Mexican ladies, Han Solo and Pinocchio representing the protestors.

Here is a close up.

Here is an aerial view taken from the Bee chopper in the sky. I don't know what that mini bottle of Tabasco sauce is doing there. Maybe it was left there after their lunch?

We never did find out what they were protesting and they left before I got out of work but I saw Norm talking to them and I'm sure he'll give me the full scoop on Monday.

P.S.

The Sunday Comic should be back next Sunday. We have been a tad busy but I'm planning on making Andy drink nothing but Red Bull this week so his slacking days are over!

I survived Friday the 13th! Just barely...

So hey. Guess who you should never ask if they know of any good restaurants.

Guess!

If you said old people the elderly then you're smarter than I gave you credit for because me? I didn't see that one coming!

I had a taste for Caucasian food. Why don't we ever call it that?? When I told Andy I had a taste for Caucasian food, he shook his head and said I shouldn't call it that but I had to point out that we say things like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, Greek food... need I go on? To me, things like roast beef and meatloaf is Caucasian food.
But! I guess I should call it something else since it offends my hubs. Let me know if you think of something that won't make him cry (kidding babe)(maebee).

I innocently asked the ladies at work "Hey, Andy and I want to try a new place for dinner. You guys know of any place around here that's good?"

Unanimously they suggested a place called Gilbert's.

"Oh, it's very good!"

"And economical"

"And they give you tons of food"

"That's right good for 2 meals!"

Well, bless their little souls!

Since we don't like having dinner too late and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, we headed on over to Gilbert's at around 5:00 in Andy's crashmobile (it's fixed again... but for how long??)..

Now, it's been a while since I've watched Seinfeld so I forgot one very IMPORTANT thing. 5:00 o'clock is to older people what 9:00 o'clock is to the rest of us young 'uns!
We walked into the place and the bar area looked like somebody spilled a bag of cotton balls and a package of shiny brown marbles!

Senior citizens EVERYWHERE! But that's okay, I'm sure they won't hurt us, right?
Right??



You see that red arrow? (Sorry, I was trying to take inconspicuous pictures, then I figured they wouldn't know what I was doing but the quality sucks anyway.) That red arrow points at a wall that is hiding ONE MILLION elderly folk. I couldn't tell if they were being held back because the wall discharged electricity if they tried to leave or if they were tied to their chairs.


This beautiful picture is of the menu which they blew up to BILLBOARD size, I'm guessing so people with sight problems would know what to order?



Now for my review of the food.
I know why it is so popular with people with diet restrictions.
THE FOOD IS BLAND! BLAAAAAND!!
I have never had to put so much salt and pepper on anything I've eaten in my life!

Plus, how disturbing is this picture? It looks like the little chicken is taking a nap. I should have ordered the ribs like Andy did.


As for the amount of food for the price, they were right.
It was inexpensive, the portions were ginormous and Andy will be eating that poor little chicken for a few days because I just don't need all that salt now that summer is here. I figure all my water retention will still be there naturally.

AND FOR DESERT!!

Chocolate cake with a layer of cheddar cheese.

Okay, stay with me now.

What would you say.
If I asked you if you wanted a slice of yummy chocolate cake and then put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of it??
...
Oh WoW! I’d never heard that word before!

Okay, what would you say if I did that on Thursday and it was the BEST cake I had eaten??

Um, yeah, I don’t call you names so what you just said is uncalled for.

Here’s how it happened.

PD brought in treats for Thursday and these included chocolate cake and little slices of cheese for crackers. I went to have some cheese because we’ve all established that cheese and I have a long loving gastronomical relationship.

Sure, it sometimes makes my stomach talk back to me in the form of lactose intolerance but you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, the cake looked so good I took a tiny little sliver and put a couple of slices of yummy cheddar cheese ON THE SIDE OF MY plate. After I chomped on the cheese, I had a little bite of the cake and the combination of flavors was unbelievable!!

Sooooo… being the experimental person I am, I combined the two and reached a state of taste nirvana they only talk about in dirty movies.

The next time you come over to my house, this is to the 3 of you I trust (the rest of you have threatened me enough to merit me just keeping our acquaintanceship on the interwebisphere), I will serve a plateful of this yummy yum yum cheddar cheesy cake just for YOU.

And don’t try making excuses not to come to my house cuz I will go to your house, hide in the bushes and make you try a piece.

But, enough about me.

Kidding.

I still need you to click on Humor-Blogs for me since I'm sliiiiiiding! Thanks!

P.S.

AMAZON SUCKS ASS! Not The Amazon, Amazon the book ordering place. I hate them. I've been waiting for a book I bought (Driving Sideways by Jess Riley) because Suzy threatend to beat me if I didn't buy it and I'm still waiting! I blame Suzy.

My life in 3 segments...

Home-
More joyous marItal experiences.

Monday night approximately 10:20 pm:

Andy: [excited]
Bee! I was just elected Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

Bee:
Impressive! How much does it pay?

Andy:
Uh. Nothing.

Bee:
Well, that’s okay. Congratulations!

Tuesday night approximately 9:30 pm:

Andy: [sad]
Bee! I was just impeached as Guild Master of my Wacking Wizards and Ogres World Clan!

Bee:
The hell?? Didn’t you just get appointed last night?? It’s not even 24 hours and you’ve been Nixoned?

Andy:
Nixon resigned. I was grabbed by the collar and kicked out the doggy door!

Bee:
Well shit! You want me to go over there and kick some fuckin' geek ass??

Andy:
… … No.
... ... Well, maybe. You're not going to blog about this are you?

Bee:
Babe, you have my word!

(What?!? I didn't say he had my word I wouldn't!)

Work-

Can someone please tell me why I keep thinking it's a good idea to bring Taco Dip whose main ingredient is BEANS to the office of The Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence???

What the FUCK was I thinking? Someone? Anyone??

Blog-

Remember! I will not be posting Saturday or Sunday. Or maybe even Monday. Unless something either very funny, humiliating, exciting, carnivorous, happens!

(I didn’t ask you to point out which word doesn’t belong so shutty!)

You'll be okay without having to listen (I know it should say read but I really do think you can hear my voice in your head) to me everyday.

You may also check my Twitterings here...
Sometimes I just go on there to drop off a one liner gem. They're all gems I know.

I have been buggin' a couple of you to join the Twitter bandwagon but so far I have been denied! You know who you are. And to those of you I haven't asked, it's because I know you'd turn me down saying something about having a life and blah blah.

Problems, issues, disgruntled post office workers?
You may e-mail me at seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com
Seriously.

P.S
Am I the only person with lady parts that doesn't watch "Grey's"??<- example of Tweet.

HUMOR-BLOGS!! Where for art thou HUMOR-BLOGS???

Your girl Friday... just don't tell Andy.

-Day 101. I'm not that girl from Freaky Friday any more! I'm a real adult. In fact, I hate children! I hate them all!- Lindsay Lohan (Wow, this chick is deeeeeep!)

I decided to break my one week tradition and have Fuck off Fridays on a Saturday on a Friday. OZ is on vacation and the rest of the office staff is off except for me and two other people (CL & Glynda). There probably won't be too much to be pissed off about. Anyway, I'll see what I can do to bring my bad mood to your living space.



.
I had to leave work at noon Thursday to drive my mom somewhere governmentally related. I told Glynda I’d hopefully be back in 3 hours. You guys have been to places like that, right? They're assholes just because there's air!

I went in there, ready for battle with my “fuck you all” face a mere hairline trigger away!

Do you know what happened? The governmentals were NICE to us!

THEY WERE NICE!

AND!!

We were only there for half an hour!
.
I sat back and let this phenomena wash over me like warm rain in the summertime.
.
Speaking of summertime! Since I can’t tell the governmentals to Fuck off cuz they were nice… I want to send out a special warm wish to my good old friend Mother Nature.
.
Mother Nature, I wish you would just let us live in peace. This whole prank you’re pulling of either giving us 10 feet of snow or 1 gazillion gallons of water? Not funny!
.
I’m about to get all close and personal with my river and to tell you the truth, I don’t need to know what size undies it wears.
I’m okay with worshipping it from afar while I speed down my street running over squirrels and skunks.
We’re good. I promise not to put a canoe on it and it promises not to damage my worldly possessions and stink up my yard!

Thanks to you, IT’S RISING AGAIN! And not the good kind of rising that we first learned about in Grease via Rizzo’s dirty mouth. No, this kind of rising benefits nobody. Not even the woodland creatures that drink its water.

I know I know “April showers BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Just Fuck off, okay?

Love you to death,

Bee

AND!! To the OVERAGED!! Bat that took one of my beauteous pens, I WANT IT BACK... YESTERDAY! I don't know who it was, I just know it was on my desk before I left to go to the Governmental errand and when I came back, it was gone! Don't take a girl's pen when that is the only thing keeping her in a quasi lucid state! Don't do it! Fuck off! You know?
.
P.S.

The dreaded wedding is tomorrow. I’m scaurd. Andy didn't go to the Bachelor Party. Not even after I begged him to shower and go. I want him smelling clean for the hoochies. I can't have them saying my man ain't clean.

SHOES I'M STALKING UNTIL I CAN BUY THEM WITHOUT SELLING A KIDNEY.

"Snizzel"??? They're predicting 6 inches of snizzle???

-Day 80!-
I'm not kidding. The news said we were getting snizzle!
I cannot believe winter is being such a BITCH!! I was walking around with just a sweater these past few days and now back to shoveling snow!!
Well, I don't shovel snow personally, I have a boy who does that. Don't feel too bad for him, he gets paid in kisses. ;o)




Anyway, disturbing searches reported to me by my trusty Sitemeter. You can click on the links to see what else came up for these sickos! Uh... unless they found me so entertaining they kept coming back. If that's the case they're not sickos, they're inquisitive peers.

Aaaand away we go!

red streaks in crotch
::shiver:: I'm afraid to ask who would do this search! The dye burned my head, I can't imagine what it would do to the sensitive zone!

woman crushes a bee
The innocent always suffer. Whatever I did to you... I'm sure it was on purpose.

how long is a bee an egg?
Until somebody makes me an omelet.

gap in front teeth sign of promiscuity
For the love of skittles!!!! I have a gap in between my front two teeth but I'm not a hoochie!

dictionary for buenos nachos
If you find it let me know. I'm always on the hunt for buenos nachos.

naughty pregos
::shiver:: For the love of mike! Don't click on that one!

what i do if i will bee abducted by aliens
I was the number one site to come up on this one! Yeah! Here's what you do:
Stop. Drop. And roll!

buy meet the fockers fake man boob
Be careful with that link cuz one of the blogs says "Suck my man boobs"...
I come up on the second page.

bee begs
Not on your life.
Unless it’s me begging for people to click on Humor-Blogs.
I know when you do. I know when you don’t. Must I beg some more?

Okay that's it for this installation of meet my Sitemeter.

Harry Potter’s... WHAT?? This post is rated R.

-Day Seventy-something.

Okay you guys, I’m still feeling a little wonky.
My eyes are burning my nose is sore, my hair is standing up on its ends from me thrashing my head around on my pillow, asking the powers that be why oh why must they torture my poor little brain so! Can you get a hernia from sneezing??

So far no response, unless you call having a wet pine cone falling in between my sweater and my warm skin a response. I choose not to think of it as such since this would mean they’re saying “Stop your moaning pansy!” and I can’t handle that type of negativity right now. I just can’t.
Oh, by the way, I’m looking particularly yummy, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I was saving this post for an emergency A day when I didn't have anything to say. Guess what? Today is the day!
I know what you're gonna say "Bee, you're so tired and uninspired".
I am, I haven't been getting much sleep and my 6 brain cells can barely organize themselves to help me shower. Believe me, it's better for humanity for me not to smell funky than to be inspired.

I found this at Tequila Mockingbird’s who is pee your pants funny! She posted this when she was sick too... maybe there’s an omen in there somewhere. She got it off this site.

Even though I’ve never read any of the books or seen any of the movies, I thought it was hilarious! I wish I knew the person who came up with it because I’d buy him/her a huge jug of hot chocolate. People like hot chocolate better than booze, right?

Later Gators! Don’t forget to click on Humor-Blogs before you leave.
I now leave you with. Harry Potter’s Wang.

P.S.
I just read this intro, could it be possible I ramble more when I'm ill?

---------------------------------------------------------

Here is the excerpt:

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

10 funny "people" you'll "meet" on Humor-Blogs. (Excessive use of quotation marks pisses me off too.)

So…
I’ve gotten a couple of people questioning me in regards to the clicking of Humor-Blogs.

The questions have been:

1) “Do I click from your blog there or from Humor-Blogs to you?”

2) “What do I do once I get there?”

3) “How much money do you make?”

4) "Why do you think you're so cool? Do you think maybe it's all in your head?"
.............................................................
1) Okay, in order for the click to count, you have to click from MY blog (my actual blog and not the Feed) to Humor-Blogs. This will propel me up the ranks to stardom. No, just kidding. I’m not greedy, I’ll settle for the top thirty which is always displayed on the main page.

2) Once you get to Humor-Blogs, stick around and enjoy the funny bloggers. I’m going to give you my personal favorites and tell you why they’re my personal favorites at the end of this post. Well, let’s not call it the end, more like the beginning of a fun new adventure. Or Bee & XYZ’s Excellent Adventure! Queue the air guitars!

3) I make more money than the anorexic twins from Full House put together!
Just kidding.
I don’t make any money off Humor-Blogs, the clicks are for the ranks only.

4) Yes.
........................................................................................
Here are the funnies in no particular order: (After you visit them, click on their Humor-Blogs Icon so that you can keep them on their level of highness. Like I said, I’m not greedy and I like to share the LOVE! And don't get Jell-o these are just my favorite from Humor-Blogs, my other favorites know who you are, right? On with my list)

15 Minute Lunch.

That guy has a way of telling a story that has me prying my eyelids off my eyeballs after I finish reading his posts cuz the moisture has dried from lack of blinking. Plus he has bathroom stories too and I will always have a soft spot for bathroom stories.

Mattress Police Antisocial Commentary

It’s not just cuz he’s the founder of HB, honestly, the guy is funny. His blog is also interactive, he’ll put of pictures of famous and/or funny scenes, photo shop himself in there and creates a caption contest. Anybody can participate. Then you go back and vote for the funniest one.


Predator Press

Postings of an enigmatic funny dude that makes you THINK before you laugh. Did you hear me? You have to think about it first AND THEN LAUGH! But you will laugh.

The Ominous Comma

Be careful when you go over there cuz he is very ominous. You’ll probably laugh while you’re running away from his ominousness.

By the way, those last two are dangerous cuz they like to pick fights and duel, mostly with each other from what I’ve seen but you can never be too careful!

The Poke Show

He brings you a collection of funny, sometimes saucy, videos which you would probably never find on your own. I don’t want to know how he does it. Life is better with some mystery I always say. Okay, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that but I will from now on.

The Frog Bog

Frogster has been seen here now and then and he was the one that conducted the review of yours truly. Now now, don’t get mad at him since he was being fair. He has admitted to being a male housewife so you have to go check out some of his stories. He makes a better housewife than I do and less hairy.

The Blog of Bex, and On Many Subjects.

The reason I combined these two is cuz they tell you about their everyday lives (not with each other, I think they live in different states) in a humorous, sometimes a little grossy manner.

I think that’s it. I think I’m done oh… wait a minute!! I saved the best for last!

The Great The Unshakable The Fantastic Elastic The Smiling Infidel!!!!!

You guys all know I have special love for her since we're long distance kin. She and I have the same initials... only, substitute her first letter to a B and we could be interchangeable twins. Well, I’m sure her Papi and my Poli (Spanish slang for Cop, Warden, Pistol Whipper) (no, it has nothing to do with him being of Polish decent) wouldn’t like that one little bit so maybe we won’t do any type of INTER GALACTIC Wife Swap any time soon.

Anyway, let me tell you a cheesy story on how I came to find her.
It all started in a little village outside of Verona… no, that’s not it…

Once upon a time in a kingdom far far awa-…

Whatever man, just read her cuz she’s funny and then click on her Humor-Blog link and then come back and tell me how funny you think she is!

The end!

P.S.

Please click for me too. Please, pretty please.

The Cor-Ruts need friends.

-Day 11. Please wake me up from the
nightmare that has my Brad looking this ugly.-

.
So, Andy and I are having a "disagreement" on what the next movie we see should be.
.
He wants to see "I Am Legend" but I told him I work with whacked out zombified people everyday, why would I want to pay to sit in a confined dark place and see them 10 times larger than real life?!
.
I want to see 27 Dresses but he said something along the lines of having some sort of male parts I don't have but I wasn't very clear on what he meant.
Why don't we go see both movies? you ask. We don't want to. It's either one or the other. We are all about the "all or nothing" which is why we're having this blow out fight, I mean "disagreement".
.
This has brought us to the sad realization that we have no friends. I can't tell him, "why don't you go with Billy Bob and Bubba Jr. to see it?".
.
So, now we're taking applications to find our "going out friends". Here are a few questions.
1)
Do you have access to a limo? [it's the only way I travel]
2)
Will you have a problem with paying all the time? [don't look at it as a negative, you're paying for the honor of our company]
3)
Do you have an endless supply of jokes? [we like to laugh since our life is usually humorless]
4)
Will you relocate to Chicago? [a suburb is also acceptable but I'd prefer you move to a high rise condo in downtown Chicago]
5)
Would you be willing to watch Rabid Tazz and Barky Mocha when we leave town. [don't worry, we might come back]
6)
Will you help replant my garden? [and by help I mean do it all by yourself while I drink lemonade (margaritas)]
7)
Do you have any Grey Poupon? [integral to the whole limo traveling]
.
That's all I have for now since Warden Andy is walking back forth saying he's going to unplug my laptop! I still have a bed time even though I'm this many->right hand-3, left hand-5.
.
Are you feeling sad for us right now? Don't! If our major issues are about the next movie we see, our life is going pretty good if not down right awesome-ly (except for that weird smell in our back porch).

PSA-Friday

DON'T LET YOUR KID GO ON THIS SLIDE!!


Unless you'd like some cole slaw...

Don't Be Scaurd...

You Are 64% Sociopath

The good news is that you're devastatingly charming. The bad news? You mostly use those charms for evil!

See I'm not so bad only 64%...! ;o)

P.S.

I'm addicted to these things!

I Miss The Smell of Rotten Tomatoes…

I was driving in to work today (late as usual) since I was [khmmm] speeding I could not avoid my tires going over an already demised skunk.

Now my car has the lovely fragrance of skunk al la sautéed rotten tomatoes!

Yum!

Hope you were eating! :o)

The Dance of the Windbags, A Beautiful Fairy Reports.

As all of y’all may (or not) know, Fridays are my meetings with OZ. This past Friday he had a special treat for me. He asked me to be present when he met with an attorney I’d been fighting with on the phone for over a year. Let’s call him Mr. Weasel (no offense to other attorneys, just this guy is a weasel).
Mr. Weasel has been calling trying to be a big bad bully with no success so he decided to go to the top. He was in for a surprise!

Upon his arrival, OZ made him wait 20 minutes.

OZ:
Do you think he’s waited long enough?

Bee:
No, but I want to go home sometime before night fall.

OZ:
[to Glynda] Bring him in. [to me] We'll play good cop, bad cop, okay?

Bee:
Only if I get to be bad cop. [I thought he was joking]

Mr. Weasel comes in and even though we’ve never met, he looks exactly as I thought big gold ring and all!
They both shake hands and I can see they’re sizing each other up.

Oz Introduces me.

OZ:
This is Bee, she will be representing me today… [laughs at his own “joke”…]

Mr. Weasel:
Well it’s good to finally meet both of you in person! [to OZ] I don’t know if she told you but we speak to each other weekly. [laughs, although why is still unknown to me…]

OZ:
Yes, she’s been very… honest in her opinion of you. [laughs again...]

Mr. Weasel:
Well, I only have the interest of my client in mind. Sometimes I must be a little forceful. [chuckles, looks uncomfortable]

Bee: [Enough with the bullshit!]
Well, there must be a reason why you wanted to meet with OZ, may I ask what it is?

Mr. Weasel:
I would like for you to not make my client liable for what he owes. I’ve expressed my concerns multiple times blah blah blah…

OZ:
Bee and I have discussed this account and she advises me to continue on the course we are on now. I’m sorry Mr. Weasel but my hands are tied! [crosses his arms leans back in his chair]

Mr. Weasel: [SHOCKED! looks at me]
I think it’s in the interest of all parties involved to bill health… blah blah

Bee:
I disagree, the only party to benefit would be you. We've discussed this "multiple" times, I thought you were coming here today with a compromise.

OZ:
Well it was nice meeting you but Bee has an appointment so we’ll have to end the meeting now. [meeting time, 7 minutes]

Mr. Weasel:
If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to continue this conversation, could you and I discuss… [OZ cuts him off]

OZ:
I’m sorry, since she is the one with the knowledge I’d be useless without her. [yeah, you think he's paying me compliment but this is just a game to him]

OZ stands up, Mr. Weasel stands up, I stay seated. They shake hands, Weasel exits. I should have asked him to bow. :o)

OZ:
HA HA HA! Did you see his face? [OZ's Philip Seymour Hoffman face red with laughter]

Bee:
I think he can hear you. [When will this day end?]

OZ:
Who cares! HA HA HA! [stops laughing suddenly and asks me] Are you going to take home the tomatoes that are in the kitchen…?

And so concludes the Dance of the Windbags.

Do you feel like you need a shower?
Yeah me too.


P.S.
The tomatoes have no relevance in this story other than that was the last thing he said to me so don't ask if I took them home.
(I did)

I'll Make You Jealous...

So there I am sitting at my desk looking out my window. The same window where people stare at me as if I were a crazy attraction in a bizarre zoo. Usually I give them a good show and I stick my tongue out at them and put my thumbs in my ears while I wiggle my fingers. Today is no different!

How was I to know my life would change so dramatically in a matter of seconds...


Suddenly I see a State Trooper pull up.
He comes into the office and shouts my name.

Did I hide my pot??? Of course!

Terrified, I walk to the waiting room and identify myself.
He's a nice looking guy so I don't mind too much when he frisks me.
He then tells me that he has a package for me which I need to open in his presence.
He hands me a plastic coffee can.

Huh?

It was wrapped in tape and had been confiscated from a mail truck for being a suspicious package.


He told me to open it carefully and step away slowly once I did.
I do as I'm told since the big man has a big gun.

I gasp as I look inside...
Is that a baby?
Are those shells?
And a button?
And a domino?
In a box of matches?
A book marker?
With a little fan?
With a little clothes pin?
In a Ziploc bag?
In a coffee can?


Yup!


I got this from my favorite stalker... my only stalker!
Are you jealous?
Would you like to send me something too?

Thank you stalker!
These items will be treasured forever inside my favorite voodoo doll!

Friday

I wish this picture of the Sun would have come out clearer. It was so beautiful when I saw it Friday morning, with the clouds traveling at such a high speed it was as if once they touched the Sun they needed to get away as fast as possible. My cell doesn't do it justice!

Friday was my day to relieve Cowardly Lion for lunch since Dorothy went back to school.
I was sitting at the front desk when a couple came in, they had to be in their early forties.

He'd had surgery on his foot and was on crutches. He smiled at me gave his name and went to go sit down. Since the waiting room is right in front of the reception desk I could hear them talking. The tone of their voice as they addressed each other was what I can only describe as resentful.

He asked her: 'where do you want to sit?'

she: 'I don't care anywheres fine.'

he: 'maybe here?'

she: 'it's up to you I don't care! you're the one who should figure it out since you're the one in crutches!'

he: 'you know what, I'll sit here you can sit where ever the hell you want!'

All this over a seat. It continued but I think you get the picture.
It's not for me to ask the question but how does one get to that place? They might have just been having a fight that day but their tone of voice was what was shocking to me.

I'm sure at one point in their lives they talked to each other in soft voices with each word showing how much they loved each other.

How did they get to where even a simple question is an annoyance?
I obviously don't know them so I don't know what they've gone thru in their lives but it just made me feel hopeless.

On a positive note I made OZ blush like a school girl!
He came in to tell me our meeting was cancelled then said 'nice shoes!'
I said 'why thank you! It's a habit now right? To check out my shoes?'
He laughed and turned all kinds of red! SCORE!

Who's not afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? Me! Uh huh!

Enough fantasy back to reality!

So...
Let's talk about Friday!

Right before I left for work my sister called me.

The following conversation took place between the hours of 8:03 and 8:05 A.M

Sister Nancy:
Don't take "G" to work it's backed up. No accident that I can see it's just not moving, there's allot of traffic.

Cool Drink of Water Bee:
Thanks Sis! May Rainbows and Happiness follow you on this blessed day!
(What you don't believe I said that? I guess you know me better than I thought!)

The following conversation took place between the hours of 8:05 and 8:07 A.M.

Cool Drink of Water Bee:
Dearest Husband, can you please restrain our beloved pets so that they don't take a piece of my leg as I'm walking out the door?
(He was off today)

Grumpy Gus:
Frhmp!

Cool Drink of Water Bee:
Oh dear! My love, I'm afraid little Mocha has followed me out, can you please come get her? I'm running extremely late. Thank you Darling!

The following conversation took place between the hours of 8:07 and 8:10 A.M.

Cool Drink of Water Bee talking to herself.

Oops! I must make a U-turn I forgot I wasn't supposed to take "G" street.
Oh... here comes a School Bus, I'll just let him go ahead of me...
Umm... he has an opening why isn't he turning?
Oh there he goes! Okay my turn!
Oh Lord he's making every stop between here and Mississippi!
Breath Breath Breath.
Oh good here is "B" street!
Oh no! The bus is turning too!
Okay hopefully it won't turn onto "P" street...
Is that his left turn signal?
WTF it is his LEFT TURN SIGNAL!

As both the bus and a Blue Sonata (driven by a girl who could not be sweeter) turn onto "P" street, we see a fleet (yes I said fleet!) of school buses on "P" street...

Breath Breath Breath

The following conversation takes place between the hours of 8:10 and 8:16

Cool Drink of Water Bee talking to herself.

WTF! WHY AREN'T THESE BUSES MOVING!
Breath Breath Breath
I am literally 2 minutes away from work and this same EFFIN bus that I let go ahead of me is still making every freakin' stop!
Breath Breath Breath
Finally I can make a right turn here and the rest is gravy...
Oh no... please don't turn here! please don't... yup! He's freakin turning here!
Okay now I'm 1 minute away from the office it's okay...
Breath Breath Breath

half a block away from the office

Okay he's picking up some kids we should be moving soon...
Okay he's talking to some moms...
Okay he's still talking to some moms...
Okay now moms are yelling something...
Okay I think he moved an inch oh wait he just turned on his hazard signals...!
Maybe I can park and just walk to work...?
Oh we're finally mov-... nope!
Ah! Here we go!

The following conversation took place between the hours of 8:16 and 8:18

Good a spot right in front of the door! Nice!
Okay grabbing my purse and lunch bag... huh? What the... crap! Where's my freakin cell phone! I just took a picture with it...!
Here it is...
Hot shoes + running = BAD!
Woowhoo! Only 18 minutes late I broke my record!

The End!

The reason I had to share this story?
Well... I wanted to make you jealous that it still only took me about 11 minutes to get to work!

Did I mention I was wearing some kick ass sunglasses? No?
Well they made me look mahvelouhs!

P.S.
Kids lives were never in danger since I am a very cautious driver. I obeyed all traffic laws and speed limits...

The only one in danger was the bus driver.

Metal in Humans

Real Quickie Vent.

I was wondering if anyone can tell me how much Iron is in our bodies…?
I think people in my office must have more than their fair share of Iron in their bodies.
Iron is a metal right?
Magnets attract metal… or is it the other way around metal attracts magnets?
So if Iron is a metal and my coworkers have more than their fair share in their bodies…
There must be a Ginourmous magnet under my desk!
Why do I think that?
Well because… if I’ve only been here for a year and a half and the rest of the gang’s tenure is between 4 and 20 years, the magnet theory could be the only logical explanations as to why they keep coming to me for answers and guidance on something they’ve been doing since before I ever heard of this place!
Since I can’t remove the iron/metal from their bodies (without going to jail and I’m trying to avoid that at all costs)… does anybody know how to demagnetize a magnet?
I would remove it but it must be invisible because when I was under my desk (hiding) looking for my pen, I didn’t see it!

Back to work...

My expression of the day:

YANKER SPANKERS!

Don't ask me why I just thought it sounded funny!

Friday Afternoon

Today started weird so I shouldn’t be surprised it’s continuing to be an odd day. My office has been on a somewhat vacation this week because the head honcho, the Wizard of Oz, took this week off. Added to that The Purple Dino-SOUR is off too so I’ve enjoyed this week allot thank you very much!
Now I don’t know whether to feel sad or happy that it’s Friday!
I’ll make a Pros and Cons list:

PRO: I’m off at 3:00 today since the Wizard isn’t here I don’t have my Friday meeting.
PRO: I told my mommy and Niece Natalia that we will be going to IKEA so I guess that’s a definite thing to look forward with the exception of…
CON: Spending too much money
CON: Monday marks the return of the Wizard and a continuation of our frenzied work life.
PRO: Dan and Marie are having a garage sale Saturday which will include yummilicious food (Hopefully Puerto Rican rice, hint hint)
CON: Monday marks the return of the Purple Dino-SOUR and her saccharine phony sweetness.
PRO: I get to wake up late (well to be honest, I wake up late everyday so maybe that one should only count 1/3 of a point)
PRO: Milton has been upset with Glinda (the good witch) all week so I don’t have to hear about it for 2 days.

OKAY Here is the biggest PRO of all!!!!!!!!! I just looked up at my ceiling seeking inspiration from the fluorescent light bulbs and noticed a millipede or centipede or whatever-the f**k-you-wanna-call-it-pede trying to get out of the screen thing that’s covering the bulbs!
It is seriously about an inch and a half long! WTF! That’s all I can think about now so I’ll be happy when I can get the hell outta here! It just keeps walking back and forth back and forth…
Okay, now anything that touches my face or legs is freaking me out! I took a pic of it with my cell phone but you can’t see it that well. SEE IT?

FRIDAY MORNING

So I woke up this morning earlier than normal because I had one goal in mind, stopping at Mickey Dee's to buy a Bacon-Egg-Cheese Biscuit with a hashbrown and LARGE Coffee. It's very rare that I eat anything from fast food restaurants but I figured since it was Friday I would treat myself!

So I'm walking to the entrance and this guy opens the door for me and says "hey there pretty lady" I say thank you as I walk in but I immediately get the heebie jeebies.

You girls know what I mean right? There are certain men that raise the little hairs on the back of your neck cuz you just know they're perverts!

Any-whoo...

There was nobody in line so I went to order. The guy then says 'well maybe I can buy you breakfast' I said 'no thank you' in a please buzz off voice but he persisted and by this time the dude that was taking my order was just looking at me like 'this guy is such a jerk' I rolled my eyes at my friendly neighborhood Mickey Dee's worker and said 'please give me the largest coffee you have!'

The pervert says 'so, are you off to work?' I look at him and say 'yeeees...' and then I keep staring at him with my 'if you don't f**k off right now I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll forget what planet you're on and start talking in that weird Star Track language!'

Then my buddy from Mickey Dee's gave me my order and I was out of there so fast I would have beat Superman. I got to my car before the dude came out and I think I owe that to my buddy who probably waited on giving him his food until I was safe.

The morals of this story are:

1) Have oatmeal in the morning no matter how tempted you are to eat something fattening!

2) Never underestimate your friendly neighborhood fast food worker cuz they got your back!