****This post is dedicated to Rickey Henderson real and George Costanza fictional. Since it’s dedicated to a real and a fictional person, this post will be real AND fictional. The writer leaves it up to you to decide which is which. It will also be written in the third person.****
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The Squirrely Queen.
Bee was walking thru the park the other day and came across an angry squirrel. When Bee questioned the reason for its ire, the squirrel told her his sad tale.
Once upon a time, there was a Squirrel Queen who decided all male squirrels were to have their tails shaved every March 17th. What was the reason for this humiliation? Since their society was governed by females, the Queen believed all male squirrels needed to be taken down a couple of pegs to remind them who was boss. He resisted, therefore was banished from the Squirrely Kingdom to our world where he has to forage for food and fight off birds, raccoons, cats and dogs. Very sad.
Bee, being the gentle, generous, kind hearted, almost scientologist that she is, decided to help the poor squirrel.
Bee took him to her house, gave him a bath (jealous?), fed him and let him roam free in her backyard.
Bee knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, she's insane since squirrels have all sorts of diseases and are just a step up from rats. You’re asking why Bee is wasting her time and she should spend it volunteering at animal shelters where they have cats and dogs which are REAL pets. You’re also wondering why you should give a crap about a squirrel.
Well, her esteemed readers, you’re right! Bee’s gonna go outside right now and feed that squirrel to her dogs! No, not really. WWTCD? Are you lost? Would you like Bee to explain the whys of this post.*
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Compassion? WTF is that?
Has Bee told you Purple Dino-SOUR’s daughter had a baby girl? No? Bee’s sorry. She should have posted about this ASAP. Anyway, the poor girl is in ICU and has been in the hospital for a week.
Her baby gets to go home with daddy but she has to stay, which is very sad, but this means PD will be taking time off.
FROM FEBRUARY TO APRIL!!
When informed of this sad state of affairs, Bee asked (fearing the worst), “Who’s going to take over her duties?”
The responses she got were so illogical that it made her want to take every single one of her coworkers heads a-la 3 Stooges and knock them together! There would be no cerebral damage because... well, they have pea sized brains. It's not like PD was even there!
[Bats Gasp]
“How could you ask that at a time like this?”
“You know, our priority is praying that PD Junior comes out okay!”
“You don’t know how it feels because you’re not a mother!”
::Fucken sigh!::
Bee:
You’re right! Bee has no clue what compassion is because she’s never had something the size of a big chicken shoot out of her lady parts! Bee hopes she does well but she’s never met the woman. Bee's priority is to not get screwed in a very uncomfortable place (no, not the back of a Volkswagen)! A-gain!
Bee's just sayin’.
Also!
Can someone please tell Bee why offices do not stock the other type of liquid paper? The non-liquid paper. Do you know the one Bee's talking about? The kind that looks like little lines of tape. Who in their right mind uses the old liquid paper? Or is it maybe that Bee is a complete moron and unable to operate a little bottle with a tiny sponge? Whatever people! Let's move into the 21st century already!!
P.S.
Word of warning, Bee is feeling extremely cranky because of all the shit going on in her life right now and doesn't know how long it will last.Could be a day could be a year. But it will always be entertaining!
* Here it is: It's not supposed to make sense. WWTCD=What Would Tom Cruise Do?
Thank you for clicking! Please come again!
Elastic read your whole post and even witnessed Elastic nodding her head along like a freakin Rickey Henderson bobble-head doll.
ReplyDeleteTell Bee that Brian thinks that there is a special research lab where they test office supplies to make sure that they fall well below office worker's reasonable expectations for those products. Special attention is given to maximising injuries from staplers and paper clips.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, in order to guarantee repeat sales, they put addictive substances into liquid paper and marker pens. So there was no market for non-liquid LP, since 78% of office workers are secret LP sniffers.
Actually, Brian says that if Bee's really cranky don't bother her with all this drivel, just get her another bottle of LP.
Tracy just became very excited because if this is the post for day 29, Tracy wonders what Bee's posts will be like on day 79.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Tracy would like to inform Bee, although Tracy wonders if this is a bad time since Bee seems cranky, what with not shooting chickens out of her woman parts and having contortionistish sex in VW's but here goes: I tagged you. Please come over to check it out.
aw,thanks for the shout out bee. Nice post all around. Rickey's more of a fan of the liquid correction fluid--it's better for snacking on don't ya know...
ReplyDeleteDan really likes the third person thing.WWTCD freaking halarious !!!
ReplyDeleteAlmost Scientologist Uh...
You should become a full fledged one and offer to take over all of PD duties.
Did the bats look at you with horror ? souless ? you should have told them about the squirl.
Dan
Jean Knee can not believe the balls on that squirrel.
ReplyDeleteJean knee thinks maybe Oz is giving his personnel a perk by offering a sniffable substance in a cheerless work place.
You know, I've always been a fan of the real liquid paper myself.
ReplyDeleteI get a BILLION comments on my blog every day offering me the best prices on all sorts of medication. Let me know what you need, Bee, and I'll hook you up.
EWBL:
ReplyDeleteBee would buy an Elastic bobble head doll and pay top dollar!
Brian:
Bee went to the store and bought herself another liquid paper thing. It's called Dry Line Liquid Paper. You can almost say she's happy. But not really.
Tracy:
Bee is slightly upset at being tagged but she's a good sport. Sometimes. So she'll do it later this week.
Rickey Henderson:
Bee and Rickey share the same score. There's a bond even though Bee didn't know who Rickey Henderson was, she is now WELL AWARE.
Dan:
Bee cannot become a full fledged scientologist until she sacrifices her laptop to the god Zorrag. Bee loves her laptop.
jean knee:
Yeah that Queen is pretty ballsy. Bee and her have tons of things in common.
Frogster:
Bee needs Valium. Valium makes her happier than a horse on PCP.
Beatrice-
ReplyDeleteTracy is slightly upset at being called a nerd when she was bearing her sole to you. I even left a comment on my blog to that effect. So take that tag and shove it.
Love
Tracy
Esmeralda wants to know who "Beatrice" is. She also prefers the "real" liquid paper. She prefers the sponge applicator to the brush, though. I don't think Esmeralda "trusts" the tape-like white out...
ReplyDeleteAndy is mighty glad he doesn' have a tail.
ReplyDeleteI only use little lines of tape Bee. I'm with Bee on everything. I support Bee, I vote for Bee. Bee rulez 4ever and all that.
ReplyDeleteAbout the squirrel: You know how I feel about those monsters. They come inside your house, to destroy it and terrorize you every day. They also pretend they are imaginary so your family thinks you've gone crazy.
I hope the dog has a good lunch.
WWTCD
yeah, who is Beatrice? a new bat?
ReplyDeleteTracy:
ReplyDeleteBee (AKA Bianca) will give Beatrice your message ASAP!
Nerd.
Esmeralda:
Once you go tape you never go back. Trust Bee.
NCS:
Bee will help you fight all squirrels that come to harm you or you know, try to make you crazy.
jean knee:
Uma Thurman's character in Kill Bill? No, that was Beatrix.
Dear Bee AKA Bianca,
ReplyDeleteI never would have guessed that Bee was short for Bianca. Usually, someone uses short terms for names that are strange.
And the only reason that I called you Beatrice in the first place was to sound like a stern, angry mother.
And did you really call me a nerd for the second time??????
Love,
Tracy
Big Dad laughed hard at the third person stunt. He likes it very much. That Queen has bigger balls than Big Dad's dog and his are huge.
ReplyDelete