Thursday, December 6, 2007

Party with thy enemies, then make fun of their clothes!

This is a long long post but since it’s Friday, you’ll have the weekend to read it.
The answer to how many Maragritas make me incoherent is 5. I had 5 bad girls!
I’m gonna start with the preparation for the party.
I was grumpy and grouchy the whole time I was getting ready!
Then as I’m almost done with the finishing touches on my shellacked make-up I notice something odd.
There… jutting out just above my upper lip… is a tiny hair. WHAT???
Now, I, like all other men/women, have facial hair but I’m lucky enough to have it in the form of peach fuzz that you can only see if I’m under extremely bright lights because it’s so fair.
Well, this little son of a skunk is blacker than tar! Has it been there all along? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I reach for my tweezers when I remember Andy used them to unclog the drain! I don’t have any usable freakin tweezers!!!
::deep breath::
I decide to move on but now I’m scrutinizing my face and notice I have a couple of stray eyebrows! Have I always been this hairy!?
Next time Andy asks me if I’ll still love him if he’s bald, I’m gonna ask him if he’ll still love me when I’m an ape. ::sigh::
There was nothing I could do at the moment so I had to Groucho Marx it and leave.
I was the last of the women to arrive but I made them move so that I wouldn’t be stuck sitting next to any of the doctors or Scarecrow (yes, Scarecrow was aware of my reluctance to sit next to her, she has not been forgiven for the Skittles incident!).
After we all settled in, with me in the middle of Milton and Cowardly Lion, I noticed how out of place I truly am in this Asylum.
All the women were wearing VELOUR!
Yeah, I said VELOUR! Toto was wearing a VELOUR pantsuit. Aren’t you proud of the fact that I didn’t lose it right then and there? Scarecrow and Purple Dino-SOUR were wearing a VELOUR blouse/skirt set with tons of sparklies. Oh how I regret not taking a picture! ---Bad Bee!---
The rest were just wearing VELOUR tops.

I’m wondering if a traveling salesman happened upon all of them while I was on my way there and sweet talked them into buying his great-grandma’s clothes. That’s the only logical explanation my pickled brain can come up with.

Thankfully, the waiter and maitre d’ were the freakin’ bomb! (yes yes I just said the bomb) The minute I walked into the room they hooked me up with Margaritas and kept ‘em coming. At one point one of them whispered that they had added extra Tequila to make my companions more interesting! Do you want to know why they felt the need to say that?? Because for the first 45 minutes we talked about the fact that the
Bennigan’s by the office has closed! WHO GIVES A FLYING CRAP? WHO???

What had me on the floor writhing in laughter (or pain) was that OZ sat next to Milton and she proceeded to tell him how she had cut out a coupon for cake and now she needed to find one that’s open blah blah blah.
OZ didn’t know what to say since he probably has never been to a Bennigan’s! The dude eats in places where they charge you just to walk thru the door!
In the meantime, I counted 27 lights on the garlands. Then my other Margarita appeared magically next to my right hand. It was a Miracle

If you’re at this very moment wondering how I survived the next 2 hours, all I have to say is
Jose Cuervo should be inducted into the hall of saints. If there is a hall of saints not really sure but if there isn’t they should invent one.

Can you vote for people to become saints cuz I’d vote for him… and me.

Do you guys want to know what the next scintillating topic of conversation was? CL’s 35th high school reunion. I’ll spare you the bore-y details but I just want to send a message to whoever wants it.

When you’re telling a story, know your audience! It shouldn’t take you 20 minutes to tell people your school is exactly the same as you remember it.
Notice when the people around you have gotten quiet and their eyes are wandering around the room planning their escape.

When that happens yell out BOOBS really loud and they’ll come back to you. No, don’t show them your boobs just yell out the word.

Do I have your attention again? :o)
OZ played right into my hands to make the bats jealous.
Everything was Bianca this and Bianca that (if you're new to this blogus and are wondering why he's calling me Bianca... uh… that’s my real name) so they were positively green with envy! BUAHAHAHA!
I was really trying to behave but I needed to do something to keep my head from hitting the table out of sheer boredom (or [kkkcough!] inebriation). So I rolled up my NON-VELOUR sleeves and dove in!
What I actually said to those sad synthetic fabric women is not important. (I didn't have stories to share about my husband's mid-life crisis cuz he's only 31.)What's important is that each one of them got my own special brand of justice in front of OZ who laughed his ass off and at the end of the evening I said "Okay, you may all give me a round of applause!" and they did because OZ lead the clapping so how could they not follow along!
Well, in all honesty it wasn't the Margaritas that made me say and do the things I did but it made my life sweeter!!!
If you are, at this very moment, feeling sympathy for the Bats... TRAITORS!
You'll be happy to know Karma paid me back just lil' bit. When I got home after being dropped off, Andy had a blast making fun of my nonsense and giggly-ness. I just remember telling him "And if I forget this or that remind me tomorrow. And remind me I have to kick Milton's ass because she said really loud that she didn't understand why I didn't want to sit next to OZ cuz he and I are having a grand time! Whatta bitch!" (yes, I did kick her ass!--verbally--)
Anyway, as I stumbled into the bathroom to change, I punched myself in the face trying to take off my blouse. Then I scratched my eyeball trying to take off my contacts!
My next disembowelment date is 12/14/07. That is the "staff" party in which it's just us women... grrrrrr!
If you're wondering about the stupid hair above my lip, it's STILL there!



  2. Not Fair:

    You posted that comment just to stop me being first, didn't you?


    How much do you look like the chimp picture on my blog? I really was thinking of you when I put that up - only the chimp's probably a bit on the tall side ;-)


    If you stayed up to date with current fashions, and shopped in the "in" places, such as the shopping channel, you'd know that velour is the new black. Or silk. Or something.

    Sorry, I lost my concentration part way through - very cunning of you to should "ALCOHOL" to get my attention again ;-)

    No Alcohol:

    Can't you sneak some in, and spike their drinks? We don't want you to drink - we want you to remember all of the gory details. And take some fashion photos next time!

  3. My mother wears velour pantsuits. She once gave me one for Christmas. I...uh...left it in the middle of a rack in a department store because I couldn't figure out where to take it back to.

    She gave the same outfit to my grandmother, same size, color, everything.

    She didn't keep hers, either.

  4. Velour??? I didn't know they still made that barfy stuff.
    Just thinking about touching it gives me the willies.

    I have an errant nanny goat chin hair that is black. right now I'm seeing how long it will get.

  5. my old faculty/office parties were the same way. The ladies all dressed in their finest velour and sequined finery to attend the party at Bubba's Bar-b-q Bonanza.
    No alcohol allowed at Bubba's.

    I only attended two. I wore Denim and diamonds to the last one--
    I covered my usual jean jacket with my aunt Lillian's huge costume jewwelry diamond pins all over my jacket and wore huge earrings to match. Swweeeeet.

    I told everyone I was wearing the latest fashion trend-diamonds and denim. only my grade level knew I was being an asswipe and making fun of them. thank heavens the K teachers were normal and appreciated my sense of humor (and none of them wore velour).

    good times

    everyone else pitied me

  6. do you want me to add that lip hair to my belly button lint collection? I'm thinking of branching out a little

  7. brian:
    Sorry, didn't mean to take your #1 title! ;o)
    Looks just like me, only it's more feminine looking.
    Uh-huh, maybe I was the one out of style. Interesting concept!
    Alcohol and BOOBS:
    The first was for you the second for jean knee.

    ::blushing:: Sorry, I didn't mean to lump your mom in with the Bats, I'm sure she's really nice... :o{ BUT! On a positive note, your grandma ROCKS! :o)

    jean knee:
    If we had someone like you in our office, I would love going to the parties!

    Willies: That's what she said!
    (it never gets old for me! That's what... okay!)

    Collection of grossness:
    I think you're on to something! Maybe I'll just let it grow so that I can curl it around my upper lips so I can have a moustache/beard comb over...???
    Can you say sexsy?

  8. I want more details!!!!!!!! I would loooove to know how some of YOUR conversations with the bats went. What were you saying that made Oz start clapping (or did you say it was a standing ovation) at the end of the night??

    Do share...

  9. esmeralda:
    I had started to type up the conversations but that would have made this post longer than it is now.

    Why OZ started clapping.
    He said I was his negotiator/terminator/translator. He said he didn't make a decision without running it by me so that's when I asked for a round of applause which he willingly gave me. You know, cuz I'm awesome...

    I'm one of the "lucky" ones he'll talk to, he genrally ignores everybody else which I know is pretty jerky of him but I don't care as long as he treats me fine.

  10. has Milton found her calculator ye?

    so sweet of you to think of me

  11. as if everybody didnt know how clumsy you are! tell the truth how many times did you bump into walls? my guess is 7. my dad has a velour jogging suit i told him if he wears it when im with him hes walking on the other side of the street! its purple...

  12. jean knee:
    Nah she hasn't found it and all I did was move it to the other side of her keyboard but she keeps looking where it used to be. The simplest things!

    Whadda ya mean?? Bumping into walls!!?? That didn't happen till the day after and 7 sounds about right!

  13. I don't think human & ape relationships are looked upon kindly in society :)

  14. Andy:
    Good to know, so if I don't get hairy but you do get bald I'll remember your statement which will be in the interweb for all enternity.

  15. I'm going to strecth this out over the weekend for my own amusement. You already scored a laugh with the question about you being an ape!!!

    Know what else is weird? I just got home and Papi was watching that terrible Fergie crap and then I saw the comment from you. The stars of sheety performance mocking were aligned perfectly this night, Bee. Here we are on opposite sides of the country laughing at the same thing at the same time.

    Got goosebumps?

  16. Did you see my hideous ranking at humor blogs? Bleah.

  17. I think they hired a high school band to play the music cuz all the "artists" sound like they're trying out for american idol!

    Don't worry, they'll fix those widgets and you'll be moved to #10 at least...

  18. isn't that how AIDS infected humans ? isn't that an ape disease ?

  19. Dan, without monkey sex there would be no more monkeys.
    Do we need to explain the facts of life to you... AGAIN???

  20. S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night


    The follow-up to the Bay City Rollers classic song

  21. where are the half naked men?? huh? where

  22. I still don't see any naked men?
    is this a trick

  23. Why do all comments end up with call for half naked men?

    VELOUR and sparklies deserved pictures Beeeee. Your blog/blog readers should always be first and foremost. Please make sure you do not slip again.

  24. velour is scary, but when those velour suits get washed and worn and then a little hole appears and you see tufts of velour falling out of this hideous netting kind of backing and the wearer reaches out to hug you--oh my god, it's a nightmare.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.