Party with thy enemies, then make fun of their clothes!

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So…
This is a long long post but since it’s Friday, you’ll have the weekend to read it.
The answer to how many Maragritas make me incoherent is 5. I had 5 bad girls!

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I’m gonna start with the preparation for the party.
I was grumpy and grouchy the whole time I was getting ready!
Then as I’m almost done with the finishing touches on my shellacked make-up I notice something odd.
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There… jutting out just above my upper lip… is a tiny hair. WHAT???
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Now, I, like all other men/women, have facial hair but I’m lucky enough to have it in the form of peach fuzz that you can only see if I’m under extremely bright lights because it’s so fair.
Well, this little son of a skunk is blacker than tar! Has it been there all along? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I reach for my tweezers when I remember Andy used them to unclog the drain! I don’t have any usable freakin tweezers!!!
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::deep breath::
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I decide to move on but now I’m scrutinizing my face and notice I have a couple of stray eyebrows! Have I always been this hairy!?
I. DON’T. THINK. SO. !
Next time Andy asks me if I’ll still love him if he’s bald, I’m gonna ask him if he’ll still love me when I’m an ape. ::sigh::
There was nothing I could do at the moment so I had to Groucho Marx it and leave.
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I was the last of the women to arrive but I made them move so that I wouldn’t be stuck sitting next to any of the doctors or Scarecrow (yes, Scarecrow was aware of my reluctance to sit next to her, she has not been forgiven for the Skittles incident!).
After we all settled in, with me in the middle of Milton and Cowardly Lion, I noticed how out of place I truly am in this Asylum.
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All the women were wearing VELOUR!
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Yeah, I said VELOUR! Toto was wearing a VELOUR pantsuit. Aren’t you proud of the fact that I didn’t lose it right then and there? Scarecrow and Purple Dino-SOUR were wearing a VELOUR blouse/skirt set with tons of sparklies. Oh how I regret not taking a picture! ---Bad Bee!---
The rest were just wearing VELOUR tops.

I’m wondering if a traveling salesman happened upon all of them while I was on my way there and sweet talked them into buying his great-grandma’s clothes. That’s the only logical explanation my pickled brain can come up with.

Thankfully, the waiter and maitre d’ were the freakin’ bomb! (yes yes I just said the bomb) The minute I walked into the room they hooked me up with Margaritas and kept ‘em coming. At one point one of them whispered that they had added extra Tequila to make my companions more interesting! Do you want to know why they felt the need to say that?? Because for the first 45 minutes we talked about the fact that the Bennigan’s by the office has closed! WHO GIVES A FLYING CRAP? WHO???

What had me on the floor writhing in laughter (or pain) was that OZ sat next to Milton and she proceeded to tell him how she had cut out a coupon for cake and now she needed to find one that’s open blah blah blah.
OZ didn’t know what to say since he probably has never been to a Bennigan’s! The dude eats in places where they charge you just to walk thru the door!
In the meantime, I counted 27 lights on the garlands. Then my other Margarita appeared magically next to my right hand. It was a Miracle…

If you’re at this very moment wondering how I survived the next 2 hours, all I have to say is Jose Cuervo should be inducted into the hall of saints. If there is a hall of saints not really sure but if there isn’t they should invent one.

Can you vote for people to become saints cuz I’d vote for him… and me.

Do you guys want to know what the next scintillating topic of conversation was? CL’s 35th high school reunion. I’ll spare you the bore-y details but I just want to send a message to whoever wants it.

When you’re telling a story, know your audience! It shouldn’t take you 20 minutes to tell people your school is exactly the same as you remember it.
Notice when the people around you have gotten quiet and their eyes are wandering around the room planning their escape.

When that happens yell out BOOBS really loud and they’ll come back to you. No, don’t show them your boobs just yell out the word.

Do I have your attention again? :o)
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OZ played right into my hands to make the bats jealous.

Everything was Bianca this and Bianca that (if you're new to this blogus and are wondering why he's calling me Bianca... uh… that’s my real name) so they were positively green with envy! BUAHAHAHA!

I was really trying to behave but I needed to do something to keep my head from hitting the table out of sheer boredom (or [kkkcough!] inebriation). So I rolled up my NON-VELOUR sleeves and dove in!

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What I actually said to those sad synthetic fabric women is not important. (I didn't have stories to share about my husband's mid-life crisis cuz he's only 31.)What's important is that each one of them got my own special brand of justice in front of OZ who laughed his ass off and at the end of the evening I said "Okay, you may all give me a round of applause!" and they did because OZ lead the clapping so how could they not follow along!

--MARGARITA POWER!!!!

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Well, in all honesty it wasn't the Margaritas that made me say and do the things I did but it made my life sweeter!!!

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If you are, at this very moment, feeling sympathy for the Bats... TRAITORS!

You'll be happy to know Karma paid me back just lil' bit. When I got home after being dropped off, Andy had a blast making fun of my nonsense and giggly-ness. I just remember telling him "And if I forget this or that remind me tomorrow. And remind me I have to kick Milton's ass because she said really loud that she didn't understand why I didn't want to sit next to OZ cuz he and I are having a grand time! Whatta bitch!" (yes, I did kick her ass!--verbally--)

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Anyway, as I stumbled into the bathroom to change, I punched myself in the face trying to take off my blouse. Then I scratched my eyeball trying to take off my contacts!

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My next disembowelment date is 12/14/07. That is the "staff" party in which it's just us women... grrrrrr!

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WITH NO ALCOHOL!!!

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If you're wondering about the stupid hair above my lip, it's STILL there!