Please tell me your worst birthday story. But nothing sad like "oh, my dog died on my birthday!" because then I will tell you that you suck.

Today is my little sister's birthday.

She turns the grand old age of... twenty-something.

She's getting to that age where we women hesitate to answer truthfully. Except for me. For some reason I start adding years to myself months before my birthday. It could be the old-timers disease everybody keeps talking about.

Anyway, I won't be the one to say how old she is today (but next year she'll be the big THREE-O).

Unfortunately for my little sister, she is spending her birthday at jury duty! Boo! 

Don't misunderstand me, I'm all for people doing their civic duty (as long as it's not me being inconvenienced) but it sucks when you're stuck doing it in the worst part of the city (County Jail!!) on your birthday!

So, lil sis, if you're reading this now, while you're stuck sitting next to an over perfumed man in a business suit who keeps looking sideways at your boobs and a woman smelling of BO and cat urine, please know we're all thinking of you (as we sit in comfortable chairs while sipping coffee).

Happy Birthday, Nancy! And give 'em hell!

That's me and her, she and I,  dressed up for a special occasion I can't recall... a wedding maybe? I'm singing to her and for some reason she's laughing. It can't be my voice?

Also, she is going to kill me when she sees this picture but I think she looks cute with her little curlers and her teddy bear.

P.S.

Nobody make mention of the fact that her birthday is only a few days away from Halloween, okay? I think she's suffering enough right now since she's probably struggling to find a comfortable spot in those crappy plastic chairs while balancing a book and her Mochachacaca from Starbucks.

Fatty Fatty Bo Batty- Goodbye My Chubbos!

Okay so I have some news.

In the next few months I will be on a quest to lose the flab that sits  next to me on trains, planes, cars, bars, chairs, bears uh everywhere?

Yes, I know I've said it a few hundred times before but this time it's serious because there's MONEY involved!

My brothers Sergio and Dan along with my sister Nancy, Andy and I are participating in a friendly wager to see who can lose the biggest amount of human grease (would you like some bacon with your breakfast?) in 6 months.

The winner (ME) will walk away with 400 American dollars. That's almost enough to buy a small country!

I know you're used to me being meaty and jolly and now you're selfishly thinking I'll change and I'll become bitter (when I tried to type *bitter* it came out as - bUtter-which makes sense because I'd love me a stick of butter covered  in sugar right about now! ... kidding... maybe) and humorless because I will always be hungry but you really have to stop thinking of yourselves! Besides, I don't think my sense of humor will disappear with my body fat. It might even help with honing it because it may help my delusions become clearer. Maybe Ill be more focused. Isn't that how Ghandi was able to achieve inner peace?

My goal is to lose 30 pounds in 6 months (hopefully not all in my boobs) and with my winnings buy a new wardrobe. I know you think 400 smackers may not get me far but, since I'll be a starving waif consisting of just decaying bones, all the clothes I'm going to buy will be from my former slutty clothes supplier, Rave. Their motto is "If people can't see the color of your underwear, you didn't buy your clothes here." ::sigh:: Rave, how I miss you!

Anyway, this is one contest where I can't cheat. Well maybe I can. You see, Andy and I may have gone a little overboard in the over stuffing ourselves before the official weigh in at 11ish AM on Sunday morning. We will have breakfast, drink a lot of liquids and not go to the bathroom until after we are weighed.

Andy, the string bean, is taking this very seriously (he downloaded and Ap for his iPhone that tells him exactly how many calories are going into my mouth)(that's what she said!)(are we done doing that?) so he decided to bake a cake as a goodbye to all pastries.

(my contribution were the nuts)

So yeah, in 6 months I may be so skinny, they'll think I gave birth... to myself only a thinner version. Does that make any sense or am I just sleepy?

P.S.

I went to my hairdresser, Freddy- El Monta Hombres (that's what he calls himself)(that means he mounts men), today and he asked "how do you want it" and I stopped and thought about it in horror for a minute but then I realized he meant my hair so I said "Do whatever you want" and that obviously means "please remove all of my hair from my head" because I am now sporting  what he called a "a hair cut all yuppie women are getting and you look white so it'll fit your face" the jury is still out and I just realized I now have no protection for my neck when winter hits. That makes me a little sad but mostly cold.

(It's all gone! ::whimper::)(That's my chin, not my nose. Andy was like "wow, you're nose looks huge in this picture!" and after he regained consciousness, I let him know I'd clear it up for everybody so that they wouldn't make the same mistake)(also, we were at the food court in a mall after we decided to have a romantic day of getting haircuts for Andy, Tazz and myself then taking my car for emissions testing and stopping for a walk down memory lane at a mall we used to walk through everyday after work.)(eat your heart out Michael Buble!)

 

Maybe I'll just have to rock this look:

Nah. It looks like my head is hibernating. 

 

Now I go sleepy.

Of birthdays and future births.

So guess what?

 

For those of you thinking that's the inside of me, shame on you! No, that's my brother Sergio's baby inside of his wife Crazy Ez. Their first little dude (or dudette). Isn't he (or she) cute? Awwwwww!

When they sent me the picture, I immediately printed it and showed it around the office and then placed it on my wall.

 

Coincidentally, today is also my brother Sergio's birthday. He turns 34. Happy Birthday! You're gettin' old, brother!

____________________________________________________________________________________

On Saturday Andy and I went to Yu's Mandarin (the most delicious food you will ever eat!). At the end of our meal, they brought us our fortune cookies and my fortune read: "You will encounter luck in the near future" so Andy said (with an urgency he reserves for taking over hills or mountains or whatever they take over in that wacky world of weirdness game) "YOU HAVE TO BUY A LOTTO TICKET!!" and I was like "What???" because I was crunching my fortune cookie so I didn't hear him and his facial expression scared me. He repeated and I rolled my eyes.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening. He was about to take a shower when I noticed a set of odd number on my phone.

Bee: Oh, hey! Do you still want me to buy that lotto ticket?

Andy: You haven't??

Bee: Uh no. I haven't bought a lotto ticket since the 90s.

Andy: Dammit Bee! If the numbers come in and we didn't buy that ticket...!!!

Bee: So? Buy it?

Andy: ... I would kill myself!

Bee: ... ::blink blink::

Andy: ...

Bee: I guess we're buying that ticket.

 

Why so serious? Talkin' about making me a widow!

My reign of terror at the Laundromat? It comes to an end!! (Shoots off confetti at the audience!)(Hopes nobody gets it in the eye)(except maybe YOU right there!)

This past Saturday morning, Andy and I woke up extremely early SIX-THIRTY! He got up and put on his big boy pants so he may take the dogs out, go move our cars and open the back gate while I decided to stay in bed and send my support from there. With my eyes closed. And hugging my teddy bear.

I was all snuggly when I heard my car alarm go off. I jumped out of bed, because I know how over reactive my man can be, and ran to the front door. Meanwhile Andy ran the length of our long driveway and came into the house through the back door, which doesn't make sense because my car was parked in the front but whatever, yelling "BEE! WHERE IS YOUR KEY FOB???" (as my car alarm was going nuts waiting to be shut off) (as he was holding my car keys with my, ehm, KEY FOB that shuts off my car alarm). So I say "you are holding it" in English because that is the only language he understands and he bellows "NO I'M NOT! WHERE IS YOUR KEY FOOOOOOB??" so I take this thing that he's holding that he claims is NOT my key fob, walk to the front door, push the button on this imposter key fob and miraculously shut off my car alarm.

I slowly turn to look at him and he's just standing there, seething. Then he walks into the bedroom and I look at the time. 6:45 which triggers the rage within me. When he came out of the bedroom I let him have it boys and girls. I can't even remember what I said but I'm sure it was mean (because my voice was all snarly) and I ended it with "so you better apologize"

And he did.

I don't recall the last time Andy said 'I'm sorry'. Wait, I do. It was that one time he accidentally elbowed me in the head while he was sleeping. But that one shouldn't count because I smacked him on the stomach to wake him up and told him what he had done and he opened one eye and said 'oh sawrry' ::snore:: I'm sure that in the rule book (The Marriage Rule Book) there is an entry that clearly states that half conscious apologies are invalid in the states of Illinois, Wisconsin, California, Hawaii and maybe Alaska.

Anyway, the reason we were up so early and moving the cars around was because we needed to make room for the delivery truck that was dropping off our BRAND SPANKIN NEW WASHER!!

The delivery dudes (or "happy marriage makers" as I call them) arrived at 7:01 and, after they installed it and hauled away the old washer, were gone by 7:15.

I was so happy, I was doing dance moves I haven't been able to do since the late 80s.

I have to thank my mother and father-in-law (or "fairy godparents of smiling, happy couples" as I like to call them) for their awesome gift. They took pity on the people I have to interact with at the Laundromat and decided to intervene on their behalf. They knew I was down to my last nerve and the chains holding me back from doing serious damage to people hogging all the carts, dryers, tables, wouldn't keep me back for much longer.

Thank you Mom and Pop R.!

Here is a picture of my beautiful new washer. See how it spins for me??

Here is a picture of it standing nobly next to my dryer (which will hopefully be replaced in March).

My heart sings for you, my beautiful washer!

Later that morning, Andy cleaned out the garage (with some help from me) (but it was mostly me standing around saying stuff like "ewww! Look at all the spider eggs!" and Andy correcting me by saying "They're spider SACKS, Bee" and me saying "look, they can be spider eggs, sacks or balls for all I care because they are still EWWW!" and then him telling me to get out of the garage because he didn't need me jumping around every time I thought something was crawling on me and knocking over his elaborate balancing crap-o-stuff.).

After the flood of 2008, we stored a bunch of stuff in the garage. Materials, tools, stuff I bought on ebay which years later has me wondering what kind of drugs I was on (must have been good ones):

I know I just became cooler in your eyes.

When I opened the box, I was stunned. Was I thinking about changing careers and trying to break into the clown industry? Holy crap!

To answer your unspoken question, no, I never wore them. Just opening the box now makes me want to disinfect my body. And to some extent, my mind.

We took a break in the middle of the day to have lunch at Costco. I know I've said I don't eat any of the samples because I'm afraid of contracting small pox, eating more than my daily recommended intake of other people's skin flakes AKA dust and being pressured into buying 80 lbs of crab salad (and I don't even like crabs, edible or otherwise) but my mom came with us and hit every sample table from the front to the back of the store.

She'd walk away with portions for herself, Andy and I. By the end of our stay, we had to be rolled out of there. The freakin place was packed but now I know why people go there at around 1 o'clock. Why pay $8 per person at Corner Bakery when you can eat for free?

After we were able to tear my mesmerized mother away from the Costco blender demonstrator (who thinks he's so cool because he has a Madonna microphone) (but I'm not impressed unless he sings Lucky Star and shines one me wherever I are), we made our way home and lived happily every after.

Well, until the free booze wore off.

♪♫ Saturday in the park... think it was the fist of a fly. ♪♫

Despite all the sore bones and blisters (Sore Bones & Blisters would make an awesome band name), we had a great time on Saturday. We hosted the whole family for a thank you extravaganza and had some yummy food prepared by yours truly. Everything went smoothly until the end where I accidentally knocked over the guacamole dish, NO, I WAS NOT DRUNK, and then all hell broke loose.

Tazz, knowing my mom makes the best guacamole in the world, ran to claim his share. We tried to stop him because of the pesky glass that could rip his stomach open and he was not pleased. His goal then became to take a piece out of every living person around him and he lived up to his Lhasa Apso Tibetan ancestry. A vicious Tazz is a scary and formidable sight. And he will live to be about 140. That's uh hold on, let me get a calculator... ... ... 20 in human years. I also discovered that he may suffer from macular degeneration in the near future and if you’re thinking this will give us the perfect opportunity to escape his attacks, you would be wrong since they do not rely on their eyesight to attack things which piss them off. Mostly Andy.

After everybody had left, Andy and I decided to go see The Hangover (<--preview) for its last showing of the evening. As most of you may know, Andy and I usually hit the movies on Sundays at predawn so we may take advantage of the cheapest priced tickets and also the lack of obnoxious teenagers and howly kids. The theater will usually only have about 10 people including us and that’s how we like it but we figured that if we went Saturday night, we would have most of Sunday to just sit around and get moldy.

We got into the car in the cover of darkness, said a little prayer and left the safety of our driveway. Shivering.

Once at the theater, we bought our tickets and nachos with no unusual incidents other than this geeky guy walking around with an orange backpack and neon blue shoes. What the hell kind of combination is that? There were only a handful of people in the theater so I thought it would be a nice, harmless experience. The feeling didn’t last though because people kept walking in, including Mr. Orange Backpack Neon Blue Shoes, and sitting close enough where I could smell what they had for dinner.

About 10 minutes into the movie, two men were having a discussion about how best to handle a phone call.

One guy said “Hang up the phone asshole or I’m gonna go over and hang it up for you!”

I thought that was reasonable.

Douchebag:
I’m on a call!

Hero:
You have 30 seconds to hang up the fucking phone!

Douchebag:
30 seconds? Cool. That should be enough time to finish my call [to person on the phone] So anyway—

Hero:
HANG UP THE PHONE OR I’ll TAKE YOU OUTSIDE!

Douchebag:
Take me outside? Are we in a movie? Pfft! He's gonna take me outside!

Hero [stood up and went to sit next to El Douche]:
You gonna keep talking?

Douchebag:
This is harassment!

And in what can only be called a beautiful display of unity, (almost) EVERYONE IN THE THEATER:
Both of you SHUT THE FUCK UP!

They both left.

I made sure I had my running shoes on in case I needed to haul ass out of there. Although, I had just had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade so maybe I would have stayed and rumbled.

When we were leaving the movie theater, there was a 70 year old couple exiting the aisle. The man was laughing but the woman was admonishing him for doing so.

Old lady:
Why are you laughing? That was the stupidest movie I have ever seen!

Old dude:
No. It was very amusing.

Old lady:
What is wrong with you??

And as soon as we were out of earshot Andy and I started laughing because we knew exactly what scenes had offended her. I’m not telling you what they are since it would ruin the movie's shockingness. All in all, we still think that old couple is pretty cool for venturing out at that late hour without being afraid of the night crawlies.

Going to a late movie was a nice adventure but I don't thing we'll be repeating that experience any time soon.

Oh yeah, there was one heartbreaking moment on Saturday. I found my first grey hair. Wait. Did you hear me? I, Bee Still-young-person, have discovered a horrific silver hair amongst my beautiful multicolored (because I have way too many different shades of brown, some black and even ORANGE) locks.

This whole getting old thing is unacceptable.

Last I checked, my back didn't have the word "WELCOME" stenciled on it. You know, because it's not a doormat?

The other day, I was sitting at my desk pondering my bad luck in not being born rich and then thanking the lord I wasn’t because I would probably be more obnoxious than Paris Hilton and that Kardashian chick put together and really who wants that?

I had just had another DISAGREEMENT with Glynda. She was trying to convince me that my getting a paycheck meant my soul belonged to OZ and I was extremely lucky to even have a job in these tough economic times so I should just shut up and scrub the toilet. Not literally m’mkay? I’m just trying to say that they want me to be responsible for everybody and their mistakes plus also be everybody's vacation back up but not give me more money. I was hired for a specific position and being a babysitter/receptionist was not part of the job description. While I don't mind volunteering, I will not be walked on, bullyed or threatened into doing anything.

I gently disagreed with OZ owning my soul and also pointed out that no, he was lucky to have ME in these tough economic times. At her look of disbelief I elaborated that I, Bee Lastname, am not a believer in 1) Belittling anyone (unless I hate you and in that case I don't have control over my tongue) 2) LETTING myself FEEL belittled (because I can’t stop people from trying to belittle me, I can only stop my reaction to their stupidity)

I am an independent thinker that is not easily brainwashed into believe that OZ is my savior.

This information did not go over well with Glynda. In fact she huffed and she puffed- oh wait that a different story book- well, she put me in the crap house again.

Back to my ponderings. I was wondering what made me so different from the other lackeys who work here that enjoy bemoaning the footprints on their foreheads but never fight back because they think “he'll fire me and who will hire me?”. This led me to a shocking revelation. I have the Jehovah’s Witnesses to thank.

You read that right.

picture is from an issue of the Jehovah's Witnesses magazine on the children who have died because they were not given blood transfusions that may have saved their lives.

You see, being in the Jehovah's Witnesses (JWs) opened my eyes to something I might have missed had I not been a part of this cult. I may call it a cult because I was in it for a few years so I feel I have the right to shed a light into some of my experiences.

I was very young when we became JWs and my pops thought he had found his religion. He also sold Amway so I’m thinking he was halfway to Brainwashville and didn’t have a chance.

Even at a young age, I remember thinking that their teachings were a big crock of shit. Or crock of doo-doo since I didn’t swear back then. I noticed how the elders were always men in the upper middle class while the rest of us broke asses were delegated to do the grunt work. You know, going from house to house and getting the doors slammed in our faces? (Stories for another day)

I remember seeing the yearning in my dad’s eyes to fit in with those phonies and doing anything they asked just so they’d notice him. I hated that. You see, I knew how smart my dad was (during our stint in the JWs he was sober which I guess they did us some good for those few years), he was attractive (and this I new because of the women always staring at him), he had a gorgeous wife (and this I knew because of the men always staring at her) and a beautiful family if I do say so myself.

I didn’t feel the elders deserved the reverence everybody else showed them, respect maybe but washing their feet in a bowl of milk and lavender? I don’t think so.

As an example I give you one of the yearly pilgrimages which in this case took place in Arizona. The motel where we stayed had a swimming pool and I remember thinking ‘yay pool!’ Well they made the kids exit the pool at about 7pm so the grown ups could swim. Crummy but that’s not what this story is about.

We were sitting in the hallway outside of our motel room with our legs dangling down from the railing of the second floor. From there we had a clear view of the pool and we noticed that there were only 2 people left in there. One was one of the elder dudes who was married and the other was a young single woman who came with her sister.

They were awfully chummy. Hugging and laughing while splashing around in the pool. We decided to give his wife a little help in the cooling his pants department (okay, not really trying to help his wife, we were just kids but we knew he was doing something wrong). I got up, grabbed a bucket of ice and we started throwing ice cubes into the pool. We weren't trying to hit them and that was made apparent by us sending the ice cubes softly to the other side of the pool. I was probably 9 or so and I’m assuming my partner in crime was my brother Sergio since Dan has always been a goody 2 shoes and was probably sleeping.

The elder guy started yelling at us and his moobs were shaking as he tried climbing out of the pool. We ran into our room and dissolved in a fit of giggles. The next day, at the JW assembly, he came up to me and grabbed my arm whispering that he knew it was us throwing ice and blah blah. I remember yelling as loud as I could “LET GO OF MY ARM! YOU’RE HURTING ME!!” and then people turning to look and his face getting all red and then laughing it off like it was no big deal. Hearing the commotion, his wife came over and I decided to apologize for my bad behavior. We were at a place of worship after all, “I’m sorry we threw ice while you and that lady were hugging in the pool.”

I don’t know what happened to them because I don’t remember anything else about them after that.

Example # 2

I went to school with one of the elder’s (not the same elder who was frolicking in the pool) sons. He was a short little bastard who thought it was okay to corner me by the lockers when we were in junior high. He thought it was okay until I slammed his head against a locker and punched him in the gut. When he threatened to tell his dad so my dad could get in trouble I dared him to go ahead because I really didn’t care.

This is where my epiphany comes in.

See, what my father failed to see is that yes, the elders may have had a higher education and more material things (which is really not living the life they evangelize) but in my head, that just makes them more polished but not better than us. The fact that I resisted their brainwashing at such a young age and I was able to see through their self righteousness made me immune to any future jackholes trying to make me believe I was beneath them. Nobody has the power to make me feel inferior but me and why would I give someone that power? That just doesn’t make sense.

I’ve used that logic in every aspect of my life. When dating, I waited for the right guy to come along who appreciated me and basically deserved having me (we can all agree I'm pretty cool) and sent the rest packing. Lucky Andy! Coincidentally, he and his family were JWs for many years too. In dealing with people or mindlessly following crowds- nu-uh I do things because I want to and if others are doing it too, coolio. But! Let's not remember my skiing trip please because that was a total lapse in judgment!

This brings me back to the present day. OZ is a respected surgeon and I’m sure he worked hard to get where he is but so what? I worked hard to get where I am too. What makes his journey more special than mine? What makes him a better human being than me?

He may have more zeros and commas in his bank account but that doesn’t make my life worth less than his.

Sure, my ambition wasn’t high since all I have ever wanted was my family to be healthy and happy, my own home, a decent car and as a bonus, a man who loves me. I’d say my path was the right one since I’m right where I want to be.

The moral of this story? OZ (and people like him) can kiss my unpolished ass.

All about relationships with police non-drama thrown in.

(Look ma' I'm short! When Andy and I go out this is how all our pictures look. I guess next time I should stand on someone's shoulder or maybe just ask them to take our picture.)

Andy and I have had a lot of decisions to make these past few weeks. I don't know if I've ever discussed with you how completely opposite we are when it comes to decision making. I tend to look at an issue and say "Okay, we're doing this." with the authority first born children usually have. Andy, on the other hand, tends to hem and haw and look at things from this angle and that angle and what will happen if the Aztecs are right and the world ends in 2012?

While I'm used to him being this way, I sometimes don't have the extra patience it takes to wait for him to make a decision so I'll GENTLY SHOVE SLAM push him one way or the other. Lately though, he's been pulling the old 'bait and switch' on me.

Last week, I asked him a very important question.
1)
What would he think about asking my youngest brother Rick, his girlfriend and little baby Sofia to rent the upstairs floor since it'll be empty again once my mom moves back downstairs?

This is how our conversations went:

Bee:
I was thinking of asking Rick to move in upstairs. What do you think?

Andy:
You mean once your mom goes back downstairs?

Bee:
Yup.

Andy:
Is your mom going to start packing some of her things so we can start the demo in her kitchen?

Bee:
Yeah but she needs some boxes and newspaper. Maybe some storage crates so her dishes don't break.

Andy:
Okay, we'll go buy some this weekend. Do we have any cookies left?

Bee:
I think we do. I'll go check.

And so he distracts me with cookies and never gives me an answer.

A few hours later, I remember we have a conversation pending so I say "Babe, you never told me what you thought about Rick moving in
upstairs."

Andy:
I thought we discussed this already.

Bee:
No, you changed the subject to cookies.

Andy:
Oh. Those were really good cookies. Were they Keebler cookies?

Bee:
No. They were from Chips Ahoy I think. They were the ones we got on sale 2-1. Back to Rick-

Andy:
They were really soft. Hey, did you start the grocery list? Write bungee chord on there.

Bee:
Sure. [goes off to write bungee chord on list, wipes counters, brings in potting soil, forgets about conversation and starts watching The Godfather II, Robert DeNiro at his yummiest!]

Then before bed:

Bee:
Andy, you still didn't answer my question regarding Rick.

Andy:
What about Rick?

Bee:
::sigh:: I'm thinking about asking if he wants to rent the upstairs. Once my mom moves back to her floor it'll be empty again. This will help him out but the extra income is good for us too.

Andy:
Don't you have clothes and crap in the closets up there?

Bee:
Yeah, I'll have to put them in plastic bins and maybe sell them at a yard sale.

Andy:
You should add bins to the grocery list so we don't forget.

Bee:
I saw the 18 gallon ones at K-mart for $3.99. [goes off to write bins on grocery lists, gets distracted by Mocha who wants to go outside, brings water bottles in from back porch, washes some dishes and has now completely forgotten what the hell she was talking about and goes to sleep]

Next day.

Bee:
Andy! You still haven't answered me about Rick! We are not doing anything today until you tell me what you think!

Andy:
I told you I think it's a great idea. [looks at me as if I just reattached my head]

See, what I think happens is that he continues the conversations in his head and then doesn't realize he never vocalize his decisions to me.

I guess it's not his fault that I'm easily distracted but holy Moses! How we ever manage to get anything done around here is a mystery to me!

Anyway, Rick and his girlfriend (and the baby obviously) have been staying with us for a couple of weeks now. He is 26 and she's 22 (I think). It sometimes makes me flinch when I hear the way they talk to each other, which is really not any of my business since Andy and I have had some interesting angry pet names for each other that tamely range from jerkwad to asshole.

Last night, Rick accidentally locked my mom's car when they went out for dinner. Her car doesn't have a remote opener and they couldn't get the key to turn in the lock so they had to walk home to get help. My mom had warned him so I kept hearing his girlfriend say over and over
"I told you. I told you." Being married for close to 800 years and having known a few men before then (by a few I don't mean like a football team, I just mean about uh less than a basketball team I guess)(shhh, don't tell Andy), I can say that men HATE being told "I told you so".

Even though I don't like butting in ::wink::, I said to her "Listen, once somebody, anybody, makes a mistake, the last thing they want to hear is 'I told you so'. If you learn that one thing from me, it'll save you years of aggravation"

Did you see that? How I was all wise Yoda and shit? However, that advice does not apply to me because I have been known to pull a few "I TOLD YOU SOS" outta my... sleeve. It's really one of my favorite phrases along with 'do as I say not as I do'.

I then imparted more of my wisdom to Rick because he kept asking "why me?" when he, my mom and I were in the parking lot of said restaurant trying to open the car door. At 9:30pm. With icicles on my nose. I said to him "Rick? Why not you? Why are you so special that bad shit can't happen to you? Also, I lived through wearing fru-fru flouncy dresses when I was a kid and she (waving towards my mom's general direction where she was hopping from foot to foot) (did I mention it was freezing?) had to give birth to your big head so this is nothing in comparison. Now give me the crowbar so I may smash the window!"

No, don't worry. I didn't break my mom's window. I called the police department and asked if we could leave the car there overnight in which time I would come up with a pipe with hooks so that I may stick it in the car's trunk, like a more painful thermometer and hopefully reach the back door so I may unlatch the lock (this is not my first car stealing rodeo) but they said they could send a squad car over to try and help us open the car.

This worried me a little since I tend to um… disagree with most people of authority and especially policemen because of my bad experiences with the CPD whilst living in Chicago (Seriously, I have some STORIES).

This cop was very nice though and had the car door open in less than 2 minutes!

All in all, the night was a success. My mom's car is still intact, Rick and his girlfriend now are wiser, my mom got some fresh air, Andy got to stay home and I didn't even come close to getting arrested.

And that is how I've lived to be 36.

P.S.

February 26th is Inappropriate Card Day hosted by Diesel of Mattress Police infamy. I was there last year so I thought I'd do it again this year. I am going to pick one of you out there in I-can't-see-you-land and give you a very inappropriate card. I don't know who will be the unlucky duck but if you'd like to be a contender, leave a "pick me" in the comments and I will eeny meeny miny moe your ass.

Also, if you have a blog, you can join in the fun. Just go over to MP and check the rules or whatever. I never follow the rules so I'm just gonna make my own obnoxious card and send it forth to multiply and prosper.

So yeah. I feel the spirit, man.

The picture above is the reason why I could never move from this booger-freezing climate. It looked absolutely beautiful! (until it melted and caused another near flood but we had on our floaties)

Every year, we celebrate Christmas Eve with the Cors and then Christmas day with the Ruts (not our actual last names but I don't need you guys going to google maps and then watching me sit in front of my TV night after night)(weirdos).

The Cors party was awesome I got some great gifts from the White Elephant game- booze and a vacuum/broom thing. I'll be drunk while I clean, AS IT SHOULD BE.

The next day we went to my inlaws and had a blast. I normally feel some tension but this year we were minus my brother-in-law's long time girlfriend, we will call her Mulee, she was... well, IS a conniving little bitch and I was never able to let bygones be bygones when around her.
Not even on Christmas. I know I know my soul will be damned until eternity blah blah it can only be damned once though so I've had that privilege since the 80s.

We had fun, the dogs had fun and the men did dishes. It was a Christmas miracle.

Mocha went absolutely nuts over a very peculiar looking toy:

I found it disturbing since you had to shake it in an up-and-down motion to make it gurgle...

While we were eating my mother-in-law's delicious raspberry french toast casserole, Andy and I had this exchange:

Andy:
You know what I find interesting?

Bee:
No, pray tell my sweet.

Andy:
How we love raspberries but if you think about it, we are eating hairy berries.

Bee:
I like their tartness, it makes my cheeks cave in and get all skinny.

Andy:
Hey you! Come here and eat my hairy berries!

Bee:
BWAHAHAHAHAAA damn dude! Don't be so nasty! It's Christmas! … Well, Jesus would think it's funny too.

Andy:
Of course he would think it's funny! If I was around back then I'd be his sidekick apostle. I'd totally have his back and kick Judas in the hairy berries and I'd say, 'see what I did there Jesus? I kicked him in the raspberries for ya'!' Fuckin Judas.

Bee:
Amen and peace to all mankind.

All in all, it was a great Christmas!

P.S.
jean knee sent me marygeewuanna for Christmas. JEAN KNEE! I LOVE YOU MAN!

Humor-Blogs

I leave you with my favorite-ist song of the season:

Bee, a bucket, water and some frozen nippies.

Okay you guys. You have to admit that the tiny black cloud that follows my household around is beginning to get a little irritating. I mean, don't the powers that be get tired of poking at us with their plungers? Sooner or later they'll have to move on and pick on somebody taller, faster, smarter…

I have mentioned we were having issues with our water heater. For the past few months, only one person could comfortably shower within an 8 hour period. The next person would be left with luke warm to icy cold water.

AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DID DISHES BEFORE ANDY TOOK A SHOWER!

We at least had some hot water. It worked out fine because I'd shower in the morning and Andy in the evening.

But then…

Thursday Morning approximately 6:30 AM

Andy:
Bee! We have a problem!!

Bee [startled out of a deep sleep where she was "dancing" with Brad Pitt]
huhn? Wha?

Andy:
The water heater isn't working!

Bee:
::sigh:: We knew that already

Andy:
No! It's not working at all now! There is NO hot water!
You'll have to get up and make my bagel so I can check it out.

Bee:
Make your bagel? It can't be THAT serious. [if my eyes had been open, I'm sure I would have rolled them]

Andy:
I don't have time for games, Bee. I'm already 20 minutes late.

Being the good wife that I am, I got up and spread cream cheese on his bagel. Done!

As Andy was running around doing Andy things [::rolls eyes::], I calmly grabbed my big pasta pot, filled it up with water, put it on the stove, gave Andy some matches so he could run back downstairs and continue his Andy things (even though my argument was to leave well enough alone since we would both be leaving for work and nobody would be home to save the dogs if the house went KABLOOM), I grabbed a 5 gallon Home Depot bucket, filled it up with water, finally talked Andy into shutting the water heater down completely and then had to explain to him what a Mexico Style Shower was.

Step One.
Put a full pot of water on the stove and wait for it to boil.

Step Two.
Grab a big 5 gallon bucket* (doesn't have to be from Home Depot but the orangeness of it makes everything more cheesy) and fill it with water.

Step Three.
Put 5 gallon bucket in bath tub.

Step Four.
Pour boiling hot water from pot into 5 gallon bucket.

Step Five.
Grab a little container to use as a pouring device. Preferably plastic.

Step Six.
Strip nahked and get into tub.

{picture of nahked woman}

Step Seven.
Pour water over yourself using the preferably plastic container.

Step Eight.
Lather, rinse repeat as needed.

I don't think I need to tell you what happens afterwards, right? The drying part should be something you already know.

I'm not going to lie to you, the water is warm but you will freeze precious parts of your body as the cold air hits you.

This is how we used to do it when I was younger and visiting my grandparents in Mexico. They only had one spigot where you could get water from so the bathrooms didn't have running water.

When I told Andy, he looked at me like I had grown 4 arms an extra leg and a turtle.

This is what happens when you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You go to pieces when you have to rough it a little bit and freeze your nippies.

The differences in cultures sometimes amuse me to no end. When I told the ladies at work they were shocked and horrified. When I called SIL Crazy Ez and told her we had no hot water, she right away asked "How are you showering? Mexico Style?"

That's what I'm talkin' about!

My only worry was that I would be smelling and maybe tasting like Fettuccine Alfredo since that was the last thing I cooked in my pasta pot but then I thought "well who the hell DOESN'T want to smell like creamy garlic sauce?" I'm getting hungry just smelling myself.

*If you are a little on the larger side, you can use 2 buckets for extra freshness.

P.S.

Who the hell told the muppets they knew how to sing? Enough with the muppet specials already!

Humor-Blogs

The De-evolution of my dancing...

I've been told that when I was a wee little Bee, I would run with my legs straight without bending my knees.

Yeah. Everyone, who is at least 10 years older than me, loves LOVES telling me about my weird robot running. Ha ha! What a freakin' riot it was to see me chasing butterflies! Don't worry, that was my only defect, in every other way I was (AM) perfect.

Then I grew up and had to do track, jump hurdles, pole vaults and other body torturing exercises in school so I learned to bend my knees and became a part of the agile, rhythmically blessed population.

My newly learned knee bendiness came in handy in my teen years because I come from a Festive Mexican family who loves parties. What's a party without music? Why have music if not to dance?

So I learned to groove with the best of them. My hips would move like this and that. My feet moved my legs and my upper body followed the rhythm. All appropriate body parts were always in sync.

This skill came in handy in my 20s when I was hitting the clubs scene. Ahh so many memories, so much fun.

As I'm aging, I've noticed that my groove (but not the Stella groove) has either been replaced with Ed Grimley's or it was just killed and buried in an avocado orchard.

Now I find myself dancing, only when I'm alone, to my old-school (as in 90s jams) music and looking like I'm trying to crush and/or kick invisible insects.

I know I can still find the rhythm because I tap my foot at all the right places. I do a mean upper body jam while sitting on a chair but if I get up and try to move all my limbs at once in time to the music? DEH! FAIL!

I need to know what happened, did someone substitute my bone marrow by injecting concrete?? Is it something I can fix? Maybe I can have a Elainebenisdectomy?

Do you know how sad this makes me? I go to parties, such as the one I attended this past Saturday where my brothers nearly broke their backs by break-dancing (by the way, the peer pressure to have me drunk was unbelievable! I just love how the family will unite for one goal and then mercilessly taunt me by saying "if you don't have a drink, you're old!" for crapsake people! it's like we're living in the 90s again and you are my booze buddies!)(I'm also happy to report that, due to my Mojito training of this past summer, I DID NOT GET HALF AS DRUNK AS THE LIL BROTHERS! HA! In your faces!), and see the young 'uns tearing it up, I die a little inside.

I've been living with this secret for a few years now. While I'm glad I got this off my chest, I hope you will be compassionate enough not to mock me.

P.S.

While removing the potting soil from my terracotta pots so that I may store them for the winter, I came across many little nuts like these.

The damn squirrels have been ruining my plants the whole season to store their little winter stash. They've destroyed many beautiful flowers and my pepper plants MY PEPPER PLANTS the little habaneros and jalapeños did not even have a chance to burn anyone's butt on their way out!

When I was putting all the nuts in a container, my beloved husband said "You do realize they're counting on those nuts, right? If you take them, some may not make it through the winter."

My response? Payback, she is a bitch, no??

What? I never said I was nice!!

Humor-Blogs

A (future seeing) crystal ball would have been a better gift.

Today is my man's birthday. He turns the BIG THREE TWO and is like fine Pomegranate Juice (actually, PJ doesn't last in my house. we're gonna need to start buying in bulk soon). I met him when he was the young age of 18 and I was the cradle robbing age of 22. What?? I've told you we didn't start dating until he was 21 and old enough to run my liqour errands.

I would like to tell you about the first time we celebrated his birthday as boyfriend and girlfriend since today marks the 10th anniversary of that day. Did you just roll your eyes?? Listen, it was a day for me to remember so I think you should read the whole post while sipping your coffee/martini/yak's blood. Here is what you will learn:

Andy's Grandma calls Bee out
Andy talks shit about Bee's gift
Bee's brother gets arrested
Bee's head explodes
what happens to Andy's Grandma
Andy's dad meets ONE MORE Mexican

Uhmmm... I guess I that told you all you needed to know and I don't need to add more but I will anyway. Trust me when I say this would be an indicator of how our life would turn out.

Since we were a couple of broke fools, our plans were cheap and simple. Go to Water Tower Place, Lincoln Park Zoo, dinner and then cake at his parents' house.

I drove to his house and while we were waiting for his mom to come home so she could watch his Grandma, she had Alzheimers, I gave him his present. I'd gotten him a Kerry Wood jersey, he was supposed to be THE go to guy for the Cubs. He seemed to like it so all was peaches and cream.

When his mom got home, his grandma started yelling at her. Since this was my first time meeting them, I decided to pick up the newspaper and read the funnies so I wouldn't intrude on their family issues. Suddenly, his Grandma starts yelling at me.

"WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE READING???"

AAAAWKWARD!

We left his house and arrived at Water Tower Place where they have a sports memorabilia store. Andy walked in, saw a signed Kerry Wood baseball and said "This is what you should have got me for my birthday."

Uh-Huh! He sure did say that! He denies it now but my my memory never fails while he can't remember where he parked his car two seconds after locking it.

He bought the ball (which is now worthless since KW turned out to be more breakable than Elijah Price) (at least the jersey still looks good but whatever!) and we moved on to the Zoo.

It was a perfect fall day and we were having a nice romantic time -while the caged monkeys were throwing feces at us- when my cellphone rang (yup this was 10 years ago and I had a cell, I've always been this cool).

Deep voice:
Is this Bianca Lastname? This is Officer Soandso. We'd like to inform you we have your 16 year old brother Rick in custody for possession of 2 bags of marijuana. We need you to come pick him up so he may be released to your custody.

You see, October first also marks the anniversary of my youngest brother Rick's birth. My youngest brother who decided to celebrate his birthday by buying a couple of dime bags of pot and sit in an alley to smoke up with his "dawgs".

I told the officer I would be there and he let me know I needed to pick him up before 8pm otherwise he'd be transferred to Cook County Lock Up.

Decisions decisions...

So Andy and I went for pizza... I'm serious! I had a good 3 hours before he got shipped so I was gonna eat my freakin' pizza! He needed to learn a lesson anyway.

When we finally got to the police station, I was metal detected and frisked. Niiiiiice lil' bro! It's always been my dream to get felt up by a 400lb white guy! I signed a paper that said he was going to be my responsibility until he turned 18 and they brought the lil' convict over.

I have to admit it was a bit heart wrenching to see him walk over without shoes and pulling up his 30-sizes-too-big pants up his bony ass. They remove their shoes and belts so they don't use the laces or belt to strangle others or themselves. A little fact I could have gone my whole life without needing to know.

In the car, after I yelled at him for about half an hour, his response was:

"Yo' man! What's the big deal? It was just weed!"

My head exploded.

We dropped him off at my house and headed to Andy's parents' house for yummy cake. This was going to be the first time I was meeting his dad too so I was a little nervous -in a "I hope he doesn't say anything to piss me off!" kinda way-. I didn't want to be rude and spill anybody's blood on my first day. I was also dreading seeing his grandma again.

Much to my (and Andy's) surprsie, we were informed they had taken his grandma to a nursing home THAT SAME DAY!

Right now you're thinking "Phew! What a long day but at least it's over and you can just sit down and enjoy some cake!"

Really? Do you guys read this blog on a regular basis?? You should know things are never as easy or piece of cake if you will.

And now, the first conversation I ever shared with Andy's dad---

Future father in law:
You don't look Mexican!

Bee:
Ummm... Is that a compliment or an insult? You have to help me out here because I don't know how to take that.

FFIL:
I was just making an observation.

Me:
O-kaaaay.

FFIL:
I worked with a Mexican once.

Me:
... Con-- Congratulations?

FFIL:
He would always say "Jahnnie, ju're doin dis rong Jahnnie!" [::blinks::] He was a nice guy though.

Bee:
I'm glad my people have been good to you.

I was expecting him to ask "Do you know him?" next but he didn't. I think my future mother-in-law might have kicked him under the table.

So yeah, the evening did end well (by Andy and I making out in his gangway before I left) and the rest is history because we lived Happily-Ever-Sometimes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BELOVED ANDY AND MY (STILL SOMETIMES PAIN IN THE BUTT) LITTLE BROTHER RICK*!

*Rick is now 26 and a baby girl will make him a daddy in January. All I'm going to say is, I hope you name your first frown wrinkle after me. :op

P.S.
JINKSY (from Extremely Funny which is always... well, extremely funny)! You hit the nail on the bitch head!! From now on, playing the roll as Office Manager at Arkham Asylum, Omarosa!

P.P.S
I'll be incommunicado for a few days since my stupid work computer still doesn't have internet access so I'll see you guys on Friday!

Humor-Blogs

You have lived through a small crisis. What do you do next?

So I’m finally back at work. Yup. I thought I would take a day off and rest amongst the crazy people I work with. It would give me time to catch up on my blog stalking too so it’s win win.

You know, I’ve learned there are things you should have in your house at all times in case of emergencies. Learn from my mistakes and keep these things handy.

Rubber boots-
While surveying our neighborhood, I saw kids frolicking in the flood water while their parents stood by and had a couple of brewskies reminiscing about the 87’ flood (why didn’t someone warn us about this freakin’ 87’ flood?? Maybe the hubs and I would have bought a house somewhere else! Maybe one inside the river to save us some trouble.). People! The water is contaminated! Your kids are probably playing with something the neighbor two blocks over had for dinner! That thing floating is not a cork shaped fish dumbasses.

Sadly, when we went to the store early on Saturday, they had run out of rubber boots. (I don’t know what kind of kinky convention was in town but they emptied the shelves. Bastards.)
When Andy was finally able to find a hole in the cop barricades on Tuesday and venture out to buy some things, he did find one pair of rubber boots. Nice pepto pink two sizes too big.


Don’t analyze this picture because I umm, haven’t shaved my legs.

Since they fit my mom perfectly, I gave them to her and my sister brought a pair she said would fit me like a glove.

As much as I would have loved to keep the Hello Kitty boots, I’ve got a rep to protect. Maybe I can find ones with Mighty Mouse on them?

Rubber gloves-
I know I have some somewhere but I couldn’t find them anywhere!

Booze-
We were down to 1 beer and 2 mojitos. Suuuure we had a bunch of water bottles but lets be realistic here. If you want to drown your sorrows, mixing Kool Aid with water and pretending it’s mojitos with pomegranate juice will just make you more aware of how ridiculous you really are.

Food:
I have said before how my mom is the one who cooks, right? Therefore, her place doing an impersonation of the Titanic, left us with no food and we had to rely on my meager fridge which was even more pathetic because Andy hadn’t gone grocery shopping (hence the lack of booze). We had ordered 2 large pizzas to feed people helping us on Saturday but the pizza guy got there 2 hours later. After everyone had left.

We ate pizza for 3 days. I remember being a kid and saying stupid things like “Boy! I wish I could eat pizza every day!” What the hell was I thinking?? I must have been hopped up on Kool Aid!

Patience-
Take whatever you normally keep and triple it. Everything will start to annoy you. Hugs? I don't want no stinkin' hugs! No, I am not tired so stop asking! Brownies? take those brownies and-- okay, I'll have the brownies.

Example, here are some moments with mom.

As you saw before, her place was underwater so she lost some essentials. One very important one being toilet paper. She asked me for some to take upstairs to her new living space. I gave her a whole package of TP because I’m sweet like that.

The next day…

Mom:
What kind of TP do you buy? That generic cheap stuff?

Bee:
No, it’s actually a little more expensive because it’s recycled.

Mom:
QUE?? MORE EXPENSIVE??

Bee:
Yeah but it’s recycled. I’m doing my part to save polar bears so I don’t mind spending a little more.

Mom:
Bah! A polar bear would eat you and not care that you gave your butt road rash to save it!

Bee:
…

All this while I was on my hands and knees trying to fish CDs out of my mom’s closet while waving my ass in the air.

---------------------------------------

Since she and I will now be sharing a kitchen (YIKES!!)

Mom:
Ooh! I like these pans! When did you get them?

Bee:
What do you mean 'when did I get them'?

Mom:
Well, they seem new but I don’t remember you telling me you bought new pans.

Bee:
Ma, those were the ones I bought when I got married.

Mom:
You’ve had them for SEVEN YEARS?? Do you know how many pans I've gone through in 7 years? What? You don’t cook to save more polar bears?

-------------------------------------------
After a long hard day of throwing stuff out, cleaning, disinfecting and eating brownies:

Bee:
Mom, why don’t you stop and let me make you a sandwich?

Mom:
No. You buy that sweet ham that taste like it was dipped in sugar.

Bee:
Next time Andy ventures out into the abyss, I’ll ask him to see if they have ham roasted in jalapeños but how about I make you a sandwich anyway?

Mom:
::sigh:: Okay.
-
I made her a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, with crunchy bacon (everything is better with bacon) and just a little bit of mustard.
-
Mom: [surprised]
THIS IS REALLY GOOD!

Bee:
Well, I am an expert sandwich maker.

Mom:
No doubt! Maybe I’ll show you how to scramble an egg next.
.

NOW ASKING FOR DONATIONS OF PATIENCE.

Humor-Blogs

What came first? The chicken or the chick who likes to eat them?

I was gardening this weekend and niece Natalia was helping me (according to her, my old bones are decaying).

I love hanging out with her but I never know when a dangerous subject will arise because it always starts so innocent.

Example:

Natalia:
Tia Bee, you're 35 right?

Bee:
Uh-huh. Thirty years older than you.

Natalia:
How old will you be when I'm 35? 65?

Bee:
Yup!

Natalia:
Grandma is 20 years older than you so she'll be 85?

Bee: [beaming with pride cuz I still need to use a calculator]
Great math skillz honey.

Natalia:
But then when I'm 65 you'll be 95?

BAM! Because let's face it, even if I start treating my body like a golden Buddha temple -RIGHT NOW- my chances of hitting 95 are slim to watcha been smokin'!

Bee:
Uh... if somebody finds the cure for bacon, sure!

▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓▒▒▓

So there we were, digging holes and replanting flowers.

Natalia:
Where did you get these flowers?

Bee:
Home Depot.

Natalia:
Where did HD get them?

Bee:
A nursery I assume. [I explained what a nursery was.]

Natalia:
Where does the nursery get the seeds to plant the flowers?

Bee:
From other flowers or a seed supplier.

She gives me a look I know very well. this looks says "I am going to keep asking where the original flowers that produced the seeds came from until you can tell me the origin of all plant life, sea life, THE UNIVERSE"

For ages people have wondered what came first, the chicken or the egg. I personally believe the chicken because I believe in God therefore in my mind he made the chicken then the chicken produced eggs. Now, I am not going to get into a theological discussion with a 5 year old so....

Bee:
::sigh::
Once upon a time there was this evil witch who liked to turn children into stones. This made a beautiful fairy very sad but she was unable to return the children to their human form. Instead, she would turn the stones into these beautifully scented plants with petals, later to be known as flowers. The evil witch then started pulling all the flowers from the earth but little did she know they were dropping little seeds everywhere. The sad towns people decided to pick them up and bury them by their homes. To their surprise, flowers started to bloom...

Natalia:
[serious face] I like your story but next time you can just say "I don't know".
.
What? I say the earlier she becomes accustomed to this nutty head of mine, the sooner she can start looking after me when I start believing my lies.

Now, aren't you glad I don't have any of my own??


P.S.
Update on Assistantgate. She called in sick today. That's 3 times in 3 weeks but the powers that be want her to finish the month of August. Can somebody press the fast forward button??
Humor-Blogs

MY chest hurts! I think I’m having a lopsided heart attack!

That’s when your heart hurts but the pain is not on your left side.

Get ready for another rant. Ready? Are you sure? This might not be up long. I might take it down since I don’t know how long this pissed-off-edness will last. Might last one day, it might take us into the next century!

I have 3 brothers and one sister. Ages 32, 31, (wait, my sister is 8 years younger than me I’m 35. 35-8 =?) 27 and 25. I have no serious issues with those above the age of 26 but the one below that age??? I want to slap him so hard his silly cheeks will touch his toes!!!

I don’t understand!

We were all raised by the same mother so how can he be so different from the rest of us??

He was the first to cry out for independence, moved to New York and bummed around but finally came back after a year, skinner than death and even more lacking in family social skills.

He doesn’t want anybody’s advice because EVERYBODY IS WRONG but he will ask for money or favors when he needs them. He judges us for taking our jobs seriously “It’s just a job man!” Uh yeah, one that helps when you ask me to borrow money for the bus man!

Enablers, that’s what we are.

About 2 weeks ago I asked him to stop using the text option on his phone because we got a $70 bill for usages on his line alone. We are only supposed to be dishing out $9.99 and now he cost us 7 times that??

He apologized said he would stop but guess the fuck what? I checked on his phone and he is now up to $143!!

Seriously???

How was my message misinterpreted? Please, someone explain to me how me saying “Stop it!” turned into “Dude, you know what? I’d like you to text every one of your fuckin little loser friends just to say things like ‘wzup guy wtcha doin’?’ because I feel like this will help strengthen the muscles in my heart so that when I finally have THE BIG ONE I will be able to drive myself to the hospital without the need of an ambulance!”

Thanks LITTLE brother! I KNEW I could count on you!

What?

You think I should keep personal family bizness out of my blog?

Tough shit there Sparky because now you pissed me off! Before, when it was $75 -almost two full tanks of gas-, I could control my heart beats by breathing slowly but now THAT IT IS ALMOST DOUBLE??
Well, breathing slowly won’t cut it because I might just lose too much oxygen and the 6 brain cells I have left might start knocking into each other. Where will we be then? Will you take care of me? Will you pay my fuckin’ bills?

But! Here is my solution. That Stimulus Package we are all coveting? You will get to see me cash it after you've signed it and MAYBE I’ll give you bus fare.

::sigh::

I know what you’re going to say, ‘bump him off your plan’.

One day, one day my heart will indeed be ice and he’ll have to walk that high wire without his chump of a safety net!

See that? And I don't even have kids! I shouldn't have this type of stress in my life!

Another Monday that sucked monkey balls! Can you guys please click on Humor-Blogs for me even if you know all I do is rant?

Isabella Sofia 5/29/08

I gave the evil gargoyle in me a sedative so that I may announce the birth of Isabella Sofia. I am truly lucky to be sharing the world with 2 special little girls. (Oh, and my sister's not so bad either!)

I was also informed that Natalia's (the older half of the angel nieces) middle name is now BIANCA*!! Yessss! My arduous harassment campaigning was rewarded!!

... Maybe I should run for president?

You may congratulate me now.

*If you're new to these here parts, that is my REAL LIFE name. The one I use at bars. And at the race track. Oh, and with my drug dealer.

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

.

P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

.

P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

You had me at Red Leopard Print!!

-Day 13. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.-
Henry Ward Beecher

So...
Hard day.
BUT!!
We showed what we're made of, my wacky siblings, our wacky spouses and I.

After mass, the funeral director gave us the little flags you put on the cars for a funeral procession and you should have seen the guys.
They were so amped to be able to go thru red lights and stop signs! Seriously.
My brother Sergio whispered right away, "You can go thru red lights with these things." to Andy and Dan.
Any hopes to steal one was dashed since the funeral dude took them as soon as we parked at the cemetery. I'm thinking he's had some go missing...
.
On the way to the cemetery, we were sitting in the car, quietly reflecting, when all of a sudden AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" came on... Andy changed the station quickly but the next song was "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate and we catch "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, you sexy thing!" another quick change of station "Dance till you can't dance till you can't dance no more" C+C Music Factory with "Everybody Dance".
.
Andy said that was the strangest soundtrack to a funeral he ever heard. Well, we lost it and had a good laugh.
.
Our car was car number 2 in the funeral procession and Andy started feeling the pressure, helped by Nancy and I of course, because he was afraid if he waited too long to go or hesitated, he could screw up the timing. Should he stop for gas? But he did fine, YAY Andy!
.
After all the emotional-ness, the brothers decided to get something to eat, so our little caravan of 7 people looked for the nearest IHOP. (I know what you're thinking, "IHOP? Why oh why must you go to the food poisoning capital of the world?!" We survived. This time.)
.
We were having a good time, remembering things, teasing each other (We discovered Dan looks--a little tiny bit--like McSteamy, just a little bit, Dan- maybe just the facial hair) when brother Sergio exclaims, "I have an announcement!" The whole restaurant stopped what they were doing, complete silence, waiting for him to say... what?
Is his wife Esmeralda pregnant? What? What???
.
Sergio:
Esmeralda is going back to her natural hair color.
... ... ... ...
Laughter!
Did that merit an announcement? Ummmm... no!
If it was an announcement, was it his to make? No, not really Sergio. No, no.
For some reason that just cracked us up.

.
Leaving the IHOP, the guys spotted EVIL Best Buy, electronics store and women's hell, therefore our caravan moved to there where, to my surprise, they had a rack of awesome laptop carriers and iPod accessories (red and leopard print baby!). Now if they would only take Esmeralda's suggestion and stock it with shoes... we might not want to drill holes in our foreheads while the men look at yet another Mega Dimensional Half Inch Thick TV with super sonic sound.
.
So this is where our day ended, the dudes playing Rock Band and school teacher, Esmeralda, making us play a trivia game (WHICH I WON! IN YOUR FACE!!) (I think I won...??) (Yeah, for the purposes of this post I won!).
Good times. Good memories.

Oh, and some lady was hitting on Andy, in church!!

Lulu 12/25/35-1/9/08

After months of suffering, our beloved Lulu has left us. She was a feisty lady that loved us more than we deserved.

Saturday we will sit next to her sons and daughters and feel a part of their family because of her. We will share their grief.

.

Now you will be subjected to things I either learned from her or we fought about because I was too stubborn to change.

.

1)

Don't leave your purse on the floor. It's bad luck. [okay, but only because I don't like getting my purse dirty]

2)

No matter what you're doing, you should always look nice doing it. [we'd always dress up when we visited you but my toilet scrubbing does not warrant heels and make up :o)]

3)

Take care of your husband. [I agree--sometimes--]

4)

However, if that man is no good for you, kick his ass out of your life. [she lead by example]

5)

Cold chile rellenos are not good. [we ate them anyway because we love you]

6)

Guavas in a jar are de-lish! [although not as good as the fresh ones]

7)

You can never have too much jewelry. [thank you for stocking my collection]

8)

Nothing says love like a fresh Concha, coffee and gossip. [this one will be hard to do without you]

9)

Always keep coloring books and crayons in a drawer. [it helped with my short attention span]

10)

Find the sunniest room in your house and fill it with plants. [I tweaked that one a little and just put plants in every available space in my house]

11)

Don't take shit from anybody. [AMEN!]

12)

Don't take yourself too seriously and learn to laugh at what life throws you. [you were the best teacher]

.
I'm sure there's allot more...

.

We will miss you.
..............................

..............................

Life Ever After

Life filled with pain and sorrow, surrounded powerless
Fighting for yesterday, today and tomorrow
Sadness in knowing the pain this is causing
Comfort in God’s reward for constant suffering

Walking through fields of beautiful flowers
Their dizzying perfume and sent filling the senses
Watching the sun rise and set with amazement
Colorful birds singing their joy for God’s life ever after

Breathing God’s presence and knowing he loves us
Pleasure in watching loved ones lives fill with happiness
Hoping their love will strengthen their power
Looking as more arrive, enjoying their wonderment

Dancing beneath the stars, stretching and reaching them
Plentiful rainbows radiating brightness
Sun light and moon light together in harmony
Basking in God’s Love and Glory, knowing that fear no longer threatens

Flame that has not been extinguished only transcended all time and all matter
Gathering flowers, humming along with the beautiful music
Peacefully embracing memories, knowing that one-day we will all be reunited
Waiting patiently, lovingly smiling...

Bee