MY chest hurts! I think I’m having a lopsided heart attack!

That’s when your heart hurts but the pain is not on your left side.

Get ready for another rant. Ready? Are you sure? This might not be up long. I might take it down since I don’t know how long this pissed-off-edness will last. Might last one day, it might take us into the next century!

I have 3 brothers and one sister. Ages 32, 31, (wait, my sister is 8 years younger than me I’m 35. 35-8 =?) 27 and 25. I have no serious issues with those above the age of 26 but the one below that age??? I want to slap him so hard his silly cheeks will touch his toes!!!

I don’t understand!

We were all raised by the same mother so how can he be so different from the rest of us??

He was the first to cry out for independence, moved to New York and bummed around but finally came back after a year, skinner than death and even more lacking in family social skills.

He doesn’t want anybody’s advice because EVERYBODY IS WRONG but he will ask for money or favors when he needs them. He judges us for taking our jobs seriously “It’s just a job man!” Uh yeah, one that helps when you ask me to borrow money for the bus man!

Enablers, that’s what we are.

About 2 weeks ago I asked him to stop using the text option on his phone because we got a $70 bill for usages on his line alone. We are only supposed to be dishing out $9.99 and now he cost us 7 times that??

He apologized said he would stop but guess the fuck what? I checked on his phone and he is now up to $143!!

Seriously???

How was my message misinterpreted? Please, someone explain to me how me saying “Stop it!” turned into “Dude, you know what? I’d like you to text every one of your fuckin little loser friends just to say things like ‘wzup guy wtcha doin’?’ because I feel like this will help strengthen the muscles in my heart so that when I finally have THE BIG ONE I will be able to drive myself to the hospital without the need of an ambulance!”

Thanks LITTLE brother! I KNEW I could count on you!

What?

You think I should keep personal family bizness out of my blog?

Tough shit there Sparky because now you pissed me off! Before, when it was $75 -almost two full tanks of gas-, I could control my heart beats by breathing slowly but now THAT IT IS ALMOST DOUBLE??
Well, breathing slowly won’t cut it because I might just lose too much oxygen and the 6 brain cells I have left might start knocking into each other. Where will we be then? Will you take care of me? Will you pay my fuckin’ bills?

But! Here is my solution. That Stimulus Package we are all coveting? You will get to see me cash it after you've signed it and MAYBE I’ll give you bus fare.

::sigh::

I know what you’re going to say, ‘bump him off your plan’.

One day, one day my heart will indeed be ice and he’ll have to walk that high wire without his chump of a safety net!

See that? And I don't even have kids! I shouldn't have this type of stress in my life!

Another Monday that sucked monkey balls! Can you guys please click on Humor-Blogs for me even if you know all I do is rant?

Isabella Sofia 5/29/08

I gave the evil gargoyle in me a sedative so that I may announce the birth of Isabella Sofia. I am truly lucky to be sharing the world with 2 special little girls. (Oh, and my sister's not so bad either!)

I was also informed that Natalia's (the older half of the angel nieces) middle name is now BIANCA*!! Yessss! My arduous harassment campaigning was rewarded!!

... Maybe I should run for president?

You may congratulate me now.

*If you're new to these here parts, that is my REAL LIFE name. The one I use at bars. And at the race track. Oh, and with my drug dealer.

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance...

I don't know if you're aware but everybody in my immediate family is born in October. (If you didn't know, now you do and you can file it in the Bee Trivia notebook you have for when I do sell my game.)
My 3 brothers, my sister and my Andy where all born in the same month.
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It's really hard to get them birthday gifts since Christmas is so close and... well, I'm cheap.
No, I'm not cheap. I just don't like spending money on anyone other than myself.
I deserve it, you know?
.
Anyway.
.
This year, I will buy them something special.
I found the perfect gift for all 5 of them.
My macho brothers, my sensitive hubby, my wacky sister, they will all love their gift!
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I found out.
.
That.
.
.
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New Kids On The Block will be in Chicago on October 4th!!!


All five of them will be holding hands, singing along to 'Step by Step', 'Hangin' Tough', 'You got it (The Right Stuff)' and of course Jordan Knight's high pitched 'I'll be loving you (forever)'(and by all 5, I meant my family but I'm sure NKOTB will hold hands too)


I know what you're thinking "Bee, no way could you be a bad ass and have been a NKOTB groupie at the same time!"
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Well I wasn't their groupie!
I thought their music was sappy and stupid and was all about GnR, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Metallica etc. and then Grunge. So I went from Hair Bands to unwashed bands but I was not a NKOTB chick.
Ignore anybody that tells you I had a Jordan Knight poster because they're probably on crack!
Did you guys see him on The Surreal Life 3? What a douche!
.
So, yeah. I don't know if I'll also give them money to buy themselves a T-Shirt. Probably not.
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Humor-Blogs is giving away free NKOTB tickets so click on the link.

P.S.
Thanks to everybody who took my side on the whole Cheetos controversy. Go out, buy yourselves a bag and send Andy the bill.
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********Disclaimer!
Bee is not responsible for what she types on her posts. She is usually lying and will not be buying anybody, anything, ever, so don't get your hopes up.
She is not lying about NKOTB sucking ass and her love of Metal and Grunge. That part is true. She also thinks you guys pay way too much attention to the fine print. Doesn't it hurt your eyes? Did you click on humor-blogs? Why not?? Do you want to see my cry? Is that it? Why am I friends with you if all you do is torture me so??

Karate= Empty Hand. My hands= Squish! Just like grape.

-Day 82. Fighting always last answer to problem- Mr. Miyagi

Saturday evening was my couch potato night since I survived YET ANOTHER family get together. All the crazy key players were there, doing all their mocking with their rocking and their rolling.

Brother Dan was being poked fun at for not knowing how to dance.
Bee was poked fun at because she is now too self conscious to dance in serious venues.
Sister Nancy cuz her butt counted the stairs as she fell down them when she was about 10.
Brother Sergio because he still thinks the White Sox are gonna win... uh, be careful with that one because he gets mad. :op

Anyway, I was wondering what my post would be about since I didn't do anything exciting other than play snow baseball. (That's where you grab a broken broom handle and swat at the fence's snow hats. I always win.) (Probably because I'm the only one that plays it since everybody else is too busy looking at me funny.)

After everybody left, I did a bunch of random things until I finally wound up watching The Karate Kid on TV.



I haven't seen this movie since the original time I saw it in 1984. Watching it Saturday night was a trip down memory lane. The music, the clothes, California, the school clicks... I then realized how much I love this movie!

I'm not really surprised Ralph Machio's career never really surfaced higher than the dumpster, especially because the true star was Mr. Miyagi.
Short, out of shape dude, with moves like a ninja, who liked to garden... kinda reminded me of... well, ME! (except for the dude part)

I submit the following proof to the words I'm spewing:
Andy tried to take me down yesterday but I side stepped, nipple pinched, crouched sumo-wrestler-style to make him beg for mercy! If you don't believe me, ask my momma. She was laughing her butt off saying I was as "unmovable as an oak tree".

Yippee-ki-yay! No, that's more cowgirl. Hee-YAH!! Bee = karateka.



Only problem is, I don't do kicks.
My legs are too short so I wind up looking like Butt-head doing those weird kicks when he's "dancing". Whatever man. If you see me comin', cross the freakin' street!
Okay, I'm off to find me a Daniel-San to do my all my house work.
Wax on, wax off, don't forget to breathe, verrrry important!

He kinda looks like one of my mom's uncles! RIP MR. M.

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P.S.
I don't try to catch flies with chopsticks, I spear moths midair with toothpicks! Hee-YAH!

The joys of dating

-Day 16.When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

So...

My little brother Rick, I guess at 25 he's not that little, was over for dinner last night and we got to talking about break ups.

He then told us the following tale.

He was on a train with a new "girlfriend" who was working his last nerve by going on and on like a wind up pair of chattering teeth.


He said he finally got sick of her so at the next stop, he got up without saying a word and walked off the train leaving her sitting there with her mouth open. He never spoke to her again.

**I do not condone being this cruel to anybody but I have to admit to laughing my ass off.**

What I discovered about Rick was this, he is the reason they make this chew toy for dogs.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm in a commited, until death do us part, relationship.
...................................................................................
This is for Chris @Serendipity Mine (and for anybody else that wants it).
Here's our "we believe button". He wasn't gonna be just any alien, he had to be bad ass!

You had me at Red Leopard Print!!

-Day 13. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.-
Henry Ward Beecher

So...
Hard day.
BUT!!
We showed what we're made of, my wacky siblings, our wacky spouses and I.

After mass, the funeral director gave us the little flags you put on the cars for a funeral procession and you should have seen the guys.
They were so amped to be able to go thru red lights and stop signs! Seriously.
My brother Sergio whispered right away, "You can go thru red lights with these things." to Andy and Dan.
Any hopes to steal one was dashed since the funeral dude took them as soon as we parked at the cemetery. I'm thinking he's had some go missing...
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On the way to the cemetery, we were sitting in the car, quietly reflecting, when all of a sudden AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" came on... Andy changed the station quickly but the next song was "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate and we catch "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, you sexy thing!" another quick change of station "Dance till you can't dance till you can't dance no more" C+C Music Factory with "Everybody Dance".
.
Andy said that was the strangest soundtrack to a funeral he ever heard. Well, we lost it and had a good laugh.
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Our car was car number 2 in the funeral procession and Andy started feeling the pressure, helped by Nancy and I of course, because he was afraid if he waited too long to go or hesitated, he could screw up the timing. Should he stop for gas? But he did fine, YAY Andy!
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After all the emotional-ness, the brothers decided to get something to eat, so our little caravan of 7 people looked for the nearest IHOP. (I know what you're thinking, "IHOP? Why oh why must you go to the food poisoning capital of the world?!" We survived. This time.)
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We were having a good time, remembering things, teasing each other (We discovered Dan looks--a little tiny bit--like McSteamy, just a little bit, Dan- maybe just the facial hair) when brother Sergio exclaims, "I have an announcement!" The whole restaurant stopped what they were doing, complete silence, waiting for him to say... what?
Is his wife Esmeralda pregnant? What? What???
.
Sergio:
Esmeralda is going back to her natural hair color.
... ... ... ...
Laughter!
Did that merit an announcement? Ummmm... no!
If it was an announcement, was it his to make? No, not really Sergio. No, no.
For some reason that just cracked us up.

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Leaving the IHOP, the guys spotted EVIL Best Buy, electronics store and women's hell, therefore our caravan moved to there where, to my surprise, they had a rack of awesome laptop carriers and iPod accessories (red and leopard print baby!). Now if they would only take Esmeralda's suggestion and stock it with shoes... we might not want to drill holes in our foreheads while the men look at yet another Mega Dimensional Half Inch Thick TV with super sonic sound.
.
So this is where our day ended, the dudes playing Rock Band and school teacher, Esmeralda, making us play a trivia game (WHICH I WON! IN YOUR FACE!!) (I think I won...??) (Yeah, for the purposes of this post I won!).
Good times. Good memories.

Oh, and some lady was hitting on Andy, in church!!

The day after

All he wanted to do, after a long stressful day, was to take a bath and relax. Little did he know Prancer was looking for easy money and would sell his secret to the tabloids!


***********************
-----------------------------


Below is a video of my favorite song of the season.
"Baby it's cold outside"
The best version is the Dean Martin one but this will be second on my list. It's amazing how a song we sing every year can be so psychotically twisted! Trust me when I say you will never listen to this song the same ever again! I'll wait for you right here while you watch it.




Wasn't it freaky-funny? No!? What do you know? You're sitting there reading this blog! ;o)
*********************************************
Hope you had a Happy Holiday and Santa overlooked your naughtiness!
I know he overlooked mine or maybe he just gave me someone else's gifts...
As many of you know, there are subjects that are off limits by royal decree of King Husband Andy. I just wanted to tell you guys of the reception we received Christmas Day at his parent's house.
Let me set the scene for you.
Bee and Andy running 15 minutes late due to Bee's migraine and inability to raise her head higher than an inch at a time and then having to take a shower hoping to dispel some of the cackling hyenas in her head (although there really should be no need for an excuse to take a shower!).
Father in law opening the door for innocent-unsuspecting-never-snarky-Bee-and-Andy.
Bee an Andy:
Merry Christmas!!
Father in law:
I thought you'd never get here! We were about to start without you! Everything is on the table!
Bee:
Well you should have started without us.
FIL:
We were! [walking into kitchen]
Bee to Andy:
First thing on Christmas morning?? WHAT. THE .FUCK!!
Andy:
[grimace]
.
The end.
Not really the end, I'd tell you more but my hands are tied by L-o-v-e!

Homework: New year resolutions (other than losing weight)(maybe if I don't resolve to lose weight this year, my body and mind will be fooled into losing weight!).

Elfed! HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE!

Thanks for the picture NCS! Don't we look groovy? Andy Elf has boobies. (THEY LOOK BETTER THAN MINE!)

So...
Due to some constructive criticism, I've decided to change the template of my blog.

Don't be surprised if you come on over and find me in my pajamas, adding and removing... stuff. (See how technical I can get?)

Anyway, here are a few I'm thinking about.

Red Swirls Red Swirls 2 Swinging Banshee (probably not but I liked the name) Release Me.

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Santa came early-

Interesting thing we saw today while coming back from the dreaded grocery store:

A kid (probably late teens) learning to ride a Unicycle on a busy street with no paved sidewalks!

Times we thought he was going to end up being grape juice: SEVEN!

.

How many of you can say you've seen someone on a Unicycle (outside of a circus or movie)? Jealous?

ThurFriSatSunday

So...

Did you miss me? :o)

What? What the hell do you mean "No"??

Fine then! As my buddy Cartman says "Screw you guys! I'm goin' hooome!" Oh how I love Cartman... ::dreamy sigh::

Wait! I was just kidding! Come back! I've got stuff to tell you!
Don't mind me, I'm sick so the 6 brain cells I normally count on are kinda loopy right now.

On with the freak show recap.

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Thursday:
Our annual Thanksgiving hosting went great. Relatives were well behaved, food was good, Tazz was in his kennel (you know, so we wouldn't be sued after he took a chunk off of someone's butt/finger)(not buttfinger! butt and/or finger). We had a great evening/night which ended in us discussing who was the sanest of all 5 of us siblings and brother Dan won hands down. I don't know who was voted crazier but I know it wasn't me.
By the way, I just want to mention that my sister made Green Bean Casserole and much to my disappointment... it was good! :o(

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Friday:
We had a chance to go to Sergio and Esmeralda's house to meet the priest, Father Edward, that would be performing their ceremony on Saturday.

Talk about "out of the box"! He is genuinely a cool guy who told us about some of his "life bloopers". He has a real affection for both my brother and Esmeralda (can't think of why!). Anyway, he blessed their home and us, luckily, I didn't sizzle or melt when the holy water hit me. It was a real concern. ;o)

Although, now that Andy's been blessed, I'm not sure I wantta hang out him anymore!
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Just so you know, we were godparents of Arras (or Wedding Coins*) so as a joke, we brought them chocolate quarters which Father Edward thought was hilarious.

As a side note, since I didn't know better, when I bought them they looked tiny so I told the sales lady to give me four packages of 13. She gave me a funny look and said I only needed 13. Oops!
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Saturday:
We got our haircut and I yelled (well not so much yelled but "scolded softly") at my hairstylist guy (happily gay) for leaving Andy's hair so long last week. He admitted to it and said he just wanted to see him sooner...
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We then drove days to witness the Holy Union of Sergio and Es. Little did Andy and I know we had to walk down the aisle! THE HORROR! We managed to do so without tripping or bumping into the floral arrangements (well, I did bump into 'em but they didn't fall).

The ceremony was beautiful!
Father Edward has come to know Sergio and Es because of their constant volunteering, so he was able to insert anecdotes about their history. They are truly blessed to have someone who knows them personally be able to marry them. This made a moment that should be special to begin with, unique and beautiful.

Also, when I brought the Arras up during the ceremony, Father Edward asked me if they were the chocolate ones... :o( :o) (Don't tell anyone but I think I stood on the wrong side of the formation line thingie, I was the only girl on the guy's side. Hope nobody noticed!)


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Saturday Part 2:
On to the party!

There were allot of kids there. Allot Of Kids. ALLOT OF KIDS!

We had a great time, the food was good, the company was good, I regretted not buying the blouse that was a size smaller since the one I wore was too big and therefore made me look pregos. But enough about me! ;o)
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Sunday:
Sick as a dog and talking to you guys!
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I want to leave you with some Andyisms:
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After getting my haircut:
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Andy:
"Wow! Your hair looks good!"
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Bee: [in shock since the last time he complimented me was...????]
"What? A compliment from Andy? Maybe, I should write that down so I know exactly when that took place!"
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Andy:
"asshole"
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But he says I exaggerate on his obsessive swearing.
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While walking down the aisle at my brother's wedding:
Bee:
"Hey babe, it's like we're getting married!"
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Andy:
"No! No no no no no..."
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I think he might have forgotten we're already married. And if that's the case, I'm gonna start scoping out the men inventory to pick myself a Brad Pitt look-alike. (I say look-alike cuz the original is otherwise occupied and has too many kids) If you're a Brad Pitt look-alike, give me a call/email/smoke signal so we can chat... How you doin'?

While leaving the church thru the side door:
Andy:
Bee, that statue right there, who is it? Is it Joseph?
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Bee:
ANDY! That's Jesus!
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I hope your Holiday was as good as mine! :o)
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*Here is the significance: The Arras represent assets spread over the twelve months of the year and more to share with the poor, the number 13 is of good luck and good fortune.

The day after...

This was my cake...



Do you see how the little one is hypnotized by the flame? Is it even safe to have so many candles on a cake? Well, we survived [just barely].

I had an awesome weekend! But I won't bore you with 1 million pictures... I did want you to see a couple of before and afters.

Same-ish spots, different seasons.

I took the first set in July of this year and the second on Saturday.

Our day was about 50 degrees windy, cloudy and beautiful! I LOVE FALL!
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Here is the family after having eaten the yummy French Toast Casserole Andy made. I was lucky enough to have all the important people in my life come and give me my yearly hug.

I took these in the conservatory.

Halloweenie!

Our Hallowbash was Saturday and we had so much fun!
The whole family got into the spirit of dead witches and costumed up! :o)

Dan, Marie & Amanda

Mariachi, Fairy, Flamenco Dancer

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Big Texan, Nancy and Natalia

Fiyero (Scarecrow) Elphaba (Wicked Witch) and Galinda (Glinda The Good Witch)

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Marie's Dad, Marie's Mom and my Mom

Lord Vader, Queen and Mother Superior

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Esmeralda and Sergio

Vampires---------- Vampires that are afraid of Bee

Andy and I were very politically incorrect and went as a Border Patrol Guard and a Mexican.

I was La Migra (Immigration) and he was my Mexican!

Yup! We switched it up! :op

Andy---------------------- Bee

My Mexican--------Border Patrol (La Migra)

So...

I thought we were sure thing winners for the costume contest due to outrageous originality and crazy disregard of our cultures but alas we were beat by a couple wearing football player/cheerleader costumes.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the thing was fixed [yes I am] considering that I threatened to deport everybody if they didn't vote for me and they all claimed they would but once the votes were tallied... I'm gonna need a big wagon to cart them all off!

At any rate here are the winners.

Couples costume Big Dude and Tina (Marie's niece and her guy who's name I never learned) and individual costume was Lord Vader. (Marie's Dad)

The big dude was hilarious!

They brought in sandwiches and he headed straight for the table, stopped looked at me and said "Can I have some now or do I have to wait? Normally I'd wait but..."

.

I said to him "Dude, if you want a sandwich I can't see anybody trying to stop you!" He laughed and grabbed himself some sandwiches with some gherkins.

HE WAS HUGE!

.

Anyway, I promised a near death experience so here it is:

The Big Dude brought his sister, not sure what she was dressed as (...?) and I don't have a picture of her but she complimented my costume (just want to add that everybody did! So, sore loser that I am... okay I'll drop it!) and then she went on to say something else.

.

I have to admit something here, since I am such an antisocial person, when I meet people for the first time I don't really pay attention to what they say. Seriously, my brain just half listens... anyway I laughed at whatever she said but then my brain said "why are you laughing stupid!? she just said she wanted to borrow your costume!" so mid laugh I stopped and tilted my head sideways and said "Hurhn????" Luckily she had to go to the bathroom so she ran in once it was unoccupied.

.

I grabbed a couple of carrots and went into the other room where Nancy was. She saw the perplexed look on my face and asked what happened.

Here is where my near death experience came in.

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Bee:

Big Dude's sister just asked to borrow my costume!

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Nancy:

What?!!

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Bee:

No, that's not the weird part! The weird part is that my brain repeated the words back to me and all I could say was "Huhrn??" I mean what the hell kinda thing to respond when a complete stranger asks you for your costume??

.

[I started laughing and kept saying "Huhrn???" cuz it was making Nancy laugh]

.

ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!!!!

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I inhaled a piece of the carrot I was eating and it started choking me!!!

Yeah! I'm serious!!!

Vegetables will help you live longer? I think not!

.

When people choke they should do it on a large piece of beef!

That way you can say "Yeah, she was a big meat eater and didn't believe in chewing her food. She liked to swallow large pieces just so she could brag about it! Yup, very irresponsible eating on her part, I guess she met her match!'

.

They are not supposed to say. "Yeah, the big doofus choked on a baby carrot! I know, if it didn't kill Bugs Bunny it shouldn't have killed her, what a wimp!"

.

If you're wondering if anybody gave me the Heimlich, the answer is no since I saw a documentary about the dude saying he was a phony. I showed that little piece of carrot who was boss!

::sigh:: Now my voice is all raspy!

Although... it does sound pretty cool! ;o)
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When Irish Eyes are Smilin'... (well Non-Irish Eyes)

So...
I have to warn all of y'all that the Bee you've come to know and love might be a little sickly sweet once in a while.

I know you're used to my hard hitting edge and no bullshit attitude [::snicker::] but you might be surprised to get sensitive Bee every now and then.

I'm telling you this because I don't want you to say... "What the crap! Did I just enter Rainbow Brite land?" The answer to that would be "HELL NO!" I will just have a day or two out of the month where I might be nice.

We can call it RPMS (Reverse Pre-Menstrual Syndrome) (Did you just cringe? Why? We're all adults here.) (Well, I'm almost an adult...)

AN-Y-WAY...

I have a very good reason. You see... on October 7th (Sergio's birthday) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERGIO!! 2007 at about oh... 4:00 pm-ish. My little sister Nancy, the little one that's 8 whole years younger than I am, made an announcement in this fashion.

As we are all gathered for dinner to celebrate Sergio's birthday she says, "I'd like to take a family picture of everybody before we eat."

Now... I'm starving, I hadn't eaten anything since I was saving myself for some yumo-licious Mom made Enchiladas but we all grudgingly said okay.

She asked us to pose and said, "Say cheese and I'm pregnant." Everybody is kind of confused so we laugh but brother Dan and Natalia say "Cheese I'm pregnant" now, it's a cold day in hades before you can catch all of us off guard. One, maybe two of us but never all of us at once so we kind of look at each other while Dan and Natalia are still saying "Cheese I'm pregnant" (I just want to say it was really disturbing to hear these words coming from them.)

Then as if somebody slapped us all at the same time we get up to fight for the first hug! I, of course, came out victorious since I just shoved everybody the heck outta my way!

So there you have it ladies and gents! I will be an aunt again! Me! Too bad you can't see me right now cuz you'd see I'm dancing like a fool as I'm typing this! (doing an Irish jig which is impressive because I'm not Irish) (I'm not doing it very well either so maybe it's best you can't see me!)

Oh yeah... and uh... congrats to my sis and her hubby! I mean they deserve some credit for this momentous occasion! You can't all be congratulating me.

Also, before her husband came over (he was working therefore unable to attend dinner, he was supposed to have the day off but... well anyway) I asked the guys what the appropriate congratulatory thing I say to him should be:

"Nice shot!"

"Way to hit a target!"

"Good goin' Texan!'

"You knocked up my little sister, naissse!"

"You have strong swimmers!"

And other more inappropriate ones which I can't post due to the fact that his mom reads my blog (No, that's not the reason I just don't remember them right now. Sorry Mrs. Texan's Mom ;o)... )

What I did was clap and hoot as soon as he walked thru the door.
Yeah, I'm classy like that.

Mom's house

<--posing with fake surprise

P.S.

No, I'm not in any of these pictures...

Egg Factory: Scrambled, Sunny Side Up, Rancheros, Con Chorizo...

As all of you may (or not) know my 35th birthday is around the corner (as in don't walk around too fast or you'll knock it over).
I don't know if my mom is using this as her deadline for Baby Pressure Psychoness or what but she's become mildly obsessive (did I say mildly? I meant completely deranged) about letting me know I should at least have one baby.

At least one.
Like if it were a piece of gourmet chocolate in a nice lace covered box. As if it were the one expensive perfume every woman should have. As if it weren't a commitment tying my life/soul to another being for the rest of my life and theirs.

Don't get me wrong, I admire those of you (men and women) that have that bravery in you. I just don't have it in me.

I never played with dolls when I was growing up unless you count GI Joes bombarding Barbie's dream house and then crushing it with a Big Wheels Tonka Truck. That was me, the tomboy hanging from branches, jumping over fences, getting into fist fights, with boys not girls... they were never strong enough.

I had 4 siblings by the time I was 10.
I've changed diapers, given baths, babysat, walked kids to school, prepared breakfasts, lunches, dinners. We even, as a combined group, financially supported ourselves.

My life is now about me.
Me, Andy, Killer Tazz, Ditzy Mocha, Knuckle Breaker Chilli Palmer, Krusty 2 and Milhouse. That's our little family. If one of them misbehaves they get kenneled or locked in the dungeon (Andy). We have no responsibilities other than ourselves. Does that sound selfish? Well that's okay because we are.

I decided to make a list of Pros (with no Cons this time) as to why my life is so much simpler without kids. Don't try this at home because then you might want to move in with me and I just don't have any room for you. Okay I do have tons of space but I don't want to worry about you being thrown out of a second floor window.
What? Who would do that to you? ... ... ...

Pro:
No cleaning up baby stuff like vomit, poop etc...
Hmm... well Mocha does throw up if she drinks water too fast and Andy does have to clean up the yard every week... Uh, we'll get back to that!

Pro:
I don't have to worry about starving children...
Well, I mean T & M (Tazz and Mocha) do tend to whine until I give them food and have been known to toss their dish... but at least I can feed them whatever I want. As long as it's Kibbles and Bits dog food because any other food and they get sick... maybe we should come back to this one too!

Pro:
I don't have to worry about kids getting sick, taking them to the doctor etc...
Although, Tazz does have skin allergies and Mocha needs to be "fixed" and then there's rabies shots, heart worm prevention meds, flee & tick meds, Tazz's tranqs... Holy Chew Toys! I think we need doggy insurance!
Let's move on...

Pro:
If Andy and I ever travel somewhere we can just pick up and go with no need to worry about sitters and... well Tazz is very anti-social and cannot be controlled by anyone else but me. Hmmm... and I remember the last time we took him overnight to the campground and he threw up in his kennel on the way there. Okay maybe traveling isn't such a good idea right now.

Pro:
No sibling fighting. I remember me and my brothers used to beat the crap out of each other until everyone was crying and... hold on give me a minute Andy's calling me (more like bellowing)...

Andy:
BEE! Tazz won't leave Mocha alone!

Bee:
Mocha stop pulling on his ear that's why he comes after you! WTF! Stop barking! Go to your kennels both of you!

Andy:
Not Mocha...

Bee:
Both of them! Don't show favorites!

Sorry, I'm back. I forgot what I was saying!

Does anybody want to adopt two nice little cute tiny non problematic doggies? I don't think I'm mature enough for the responsibility!

And she wants me to just have one baby!
-
HA!

October Rain-Begining of Oct. B-Days

October… wow!
This year is flying by... which is fine by me because it's been pretty crappy.

I had to change my desk calendar thing and I realized I had completely forgotten to change it from August to September! I missed a whole month…

Anyway, as I was removing the sheet I realized my brain is on it. What do I mean?

Well, anytime I talk to peeps on the phone I jot down little notes for myself so that I remember which ass-wipe I’m talking to. If I’m leaving for the day I’ll write a little reminder on the calendar so that when I come in the next day I’ll pick up where I left off.

After looking at it closely I’ve realized how scatter brain I really am! No wonder I ramble. Who else can boast of having this many coffee stains in their brain?



Now I’m on the right track again and back in the present.There’s nothing like starting the month with a nice new fresh clean brain...




P.S.
I know you can make out some of the numbers on there but I wouldn’t call them if I were you, they’re lawyers.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICK!!!!!!!!!!!!