Tuesday, December 9, 2008

If you are walking down a dark alley and see a short woman running at you in high heels, step aside or she'll knock you over to get to her victim. Or she might be a hooker and if that's the case it's not me so no worries.


You know how sometimes you wish you could tell your boss to go give a rusty tailpipe a good suck ?? The reason you don't do it is usually because you need your job for crazy things like food, stuff to keep your body warm (this could be clothes or prostitutes because I don't judge… much), stuff for your kids (this could be medicine or Tequila, again, I don't judge), sparkly jewels and shoes.

Instead, you seethe quietly- or as quiet as yelling that you are sick and tired of this pompous asshole and one day you will bump into him in a dark alley and make him eat 4 day old shrimp that was marinated in mayonnaise and cooked on a car engine! can be.

So you sit at your desk, doodle hangmen, while at the same time typing a report you have verbally given him a million times but he insists on seeing it written up with the dates and periods and comas and yes, it will take you half a day but he does pay your salary so suck it up you whiny complainy little pissant (I have learned a new word since spell-check is telling me pissant is actually puissant: powerful; mighty; potent- which I would think would be an antonym of pissant… your thoughts) )and do as he says!!!


Then your devious little mind concocts a great plan. A way for you to tell that overfed gasbag exactly how you feel and what he can do with his job.

You go back to that 6 page document you just labored over and make a few key letters bold. A few key letters that if you look at them intently might spell out a secret message.

Please see below example:

You left this chart next to my phone on my desk and I was wondering if you still needed it right away or if it could wait until tomorrow or Wednesday? As always, just leave a note on the chart with your instructions on my desk and I will get to it as soon as I come back to the office.

If this message were taken to a special lab, it may be decoded as follows:

You can kiss my ass jerk off!

How do you like me now oh powerful OZ!!??

I know some of you might be thinking I'm full of shit and I didn't do it but I so fuckin did. I did and he read it with no clue. But the best part?

After I spent hours on the report and he read the whole thing, he said:

"My mistake, I gave you the wrong patient name. I meant this guy." because he can find no fault in your work and now needs you to be distracted with yet another project!

And so touché you turd licking toe sniffer. You have won again and all that's left is for me to wait for you in a dark alley.



My Christmas tree timbered (fell) because of that brand spankin' new tree stand. I told you guys about the Snowmen, right??? They. Are. Assholes.



  1. FIRST!

    And... You can give your kids tequila? Holy shit why wasn't I informed about this earlier?!

  2. that secret coding is SWEET! loves it! :D

  3. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



  4. Yes, a good idea about making regular "mistakes" in an otherwise Benign document.

    Bold could stand out. You could use a variation, like, perhaps, italics.

  5. I dont have to mess with codes, I work up their commissions, so they better be nice to me, I hit where it hurts. (it did always puzzle me being in the line of work they are in that some of them have no idea how to figure out their paychecks - scarey) So I will be right up there with you towards the top of the naughty list.

    Great post!

  6. My new business is giving bosses atomic wedgies.

    I work for tequila for my kids.

  7. Are you sure you don't work at the same office as my sister? You two can trade some stories. I've told her she needs to start a blog and relate all of the funny things she comes across every day.

    Like the woman last week who took her false teeth out of her bra and put them back in her mouth.

  8. I so wish I had thought of the coded report for my last boss. But as I'm thinking about it, this boss may have figured it out....DAMN!

  9. I can totally relate, Bee.

    For me, the best part is coming up with new catchphrases for the morons that I deal with.

    My shipping pain gets the term "Fukwad" a bit, because it sounds like Farquahd, which was the noble in Shrek. Sound-alikes usually get me out of 90% of the potential trouble I tend to get into!

    Oh, and check my blog. I think you'll appreciate it!

  10. Hey, my grandma told me it was okay for me to dip the baby's binky in wiskey! I thought you weren't judging!

    You know what I think Bee? I think he knew exactly what you did in that report and, in turn, decided to make you pay by doing a whole new one that will be worthless to him as well.
    I suggest in this report you make entire words bold, not just letters. Just incase he's not as smart as I'm giving him credit for.

  11. Have you ever sent me one of those in a comment? I hope so, it's kewl.

  12. Hey...where'd you get my secret shrimp recipe? Damn those gnomes for talking...

  13. OMG!!!!!!!! what a douchie boss. seriously. my condolences. i think you need something sparkly and tequilish.

  14. oh and, I forgot to say eleventh!!

  15. Hey, I used to be a snowman! But I got my act together.

  16. I ahte your boss and I don't even know him. The hate is THAT strong.

    Warmest regards,

  17. You are an evil genius, Bee. This has totally put me in the holiday spirit to do all that lame ass busy work that my boss has given me to do. Which I'll do, just as soon as I get my ass off this couch and go back to work.

  18. I fart in his general direction! Well, if I actually could fart. Which I don't.. because I'm a lady.

    You mentioned shoes.

  19. I like your..er passion. Your boss better watch his back. You know what those bastard snowmen hate the most? Doggy Urine. No snowman can don a carrot nose with pride if a pooch has gone Jackson Pollock all up on him. Keep the doggies near by.

  20. Awesome idea. I think every time my husband pisses me off I am going to leave him a note with a secret message instead of fighting with him. So passive aggressive, I love it.

  21. You are so awesome! That's hilarious. My job just lets me think those thoughts, and often roll my eyes. You're method is far more cool!

  22. ummmm I am all prepared for tomorrow my post makes its appearance at 12:01am cst

    and are you talking about my relatives? cuz everyone knows snowmen are nuttin more than a bunch of flakes! ;-)

  23. Ah, the sweet subtleties of revenge in style.

    Oz must be a real tosser.

  24. This is why I'm self-employed... Although if you ever have to right a report about the guy that hurt himself wiping his ass, I want to read that one...

    Clever code idea... Stumble deserved.

  25. Wow, he's kinda dim. I love it.


    O man. I laughed.

  27. Now that is one clever way to stick it to the man. Very nice.

    And Tequila for kids, brava. My first choice would be whiskey, but I applaud your tastes as well.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.