You know, I’ve learned there are things you should have in your house at all times in case of emergencies. Learn from my mistakes and keep these things handy.
While surveying our neighborhood, I saw kids frolicking in the flood water while their parents stood by and had a couple of brewskies reminiscing about the 87’ flood (why didn’t someone warn us about this freakin’ 87’ flood?? Maybe the hubs and I would have bought a house somewhere else! Maybe one inside the river to save us some trouble.). People! The water is contaminated! Your kids are probably playing with something the neighbor two blocks over had for dinner! That thing floating is not a cork shaped fish dumbasses.
Sadly, when we went to the store early on Saturday, they had run out of rubber boots. (I don’t know what kind of kinky convention was in town but they emptied the shelves. Bastards.)
When Andy was finally able to find a hole in the cop barricades on Tuesday and venture out to buy some things, he did find one pair of rubber boots. Nice pepto pink two sizes too big.
Don’t analyze this picture because I umm, haven’t shaved my legs.
Since they fit my mom perfectly, I gave them to her and my sister brought a pair she said would fit me like a glove.
As much as I would have loved to keep the Hello Kitty boots, I’ve got a rep to protect. Maybe I can find ones with Mighty Mouse on them?
I know I have some somewhere but I couldn’t find them anywhere!
We were down to 1 beer and 2 mojitos. Suuuure we had a bunch of water bottles but lets be realistic here. If you want to drown your sorrows, mixing Kool Aid with water and pretending it’s mojitos with pomegranate juice will just make you more aware of how ridiculous you really are.
I have said before how my mom is the one who cooks, right? Therefore, her place doing an impersonation of the Titanic, left us with no food and we had to rely on my meager fridge which was even more pathetic because Andy hadn’t gone grocery shopping (hence the lack of booze). We had ordered 2 large pizzas to feed people helping us on Saturday but the pizza guy got there 2 hours later. After everyone had left.
We ate pizza for 3 days. I remember being a kid and saying stupid things like “Boy! I wish I could eat pizza every day!” What the hell was I thinking?? I must have been hopped up on Kool Aid!
Take whatever you normally keep and triple it. Everything will start to annoy you. Hugs? I don't want no stinkin' hugs! No, I am not tired so stop asking! Brownies? take those brownies and-- okay, I'll have the brownies.
Example, here are some moments with mom.
As you saw before, her place was underwater so she lost some essentials. One very important one being toilet paper. She asked me for some to take upstairs to her new living space. I gave her a whole package of TP because I’m sweet like that.
The next day…
What kind of TP do you buy? That generic cheap stuff?
No, it’s actually a little more expensive because it’s recycled.
QUE?? MORE EXPENSIVE??
Yeah but it’s recycled. I’m doing my part to save polar bears so I don’t mind spending a little more.
Bah! A polar bear would eat you and not care that you gave your butt road rash to save it!
All this while I was on my hands and knees trying to fish CDs out of my mom’s closet while waving my ass in the air.
Since she and I will now be sharing a kitchen (YIKES!!)
Ooh! I like these pans! When did you get them?
What do you mean 'when did I get them'?
Well, they seem new but I don’t remember you telling me you bought new pans.
Ma, those were the ones I bought when I got married.
You’ve had them for SEVEN YEARS?? Do you know how many pans I've gone through in 7 years? What? You don’t cook to save more polar bears?
After a long hard day of throwing stuff out, cleaning, disinfecting and eating brownies:
Mom, why don’t you stop and let me make you a sandwich?
No. You buy that sweet ham that taste like it was dipped in sugar.
Next time Andy ventures out into the abyss, I’ll ask him to see if they have ham roasted in jalapeños but how about I make you a sandwich anyway?
I made her a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, with crunchy bacon (everything is better with bacon) and just a little bit of mustard.
THIS IS REALLY GOOD!
Well, I am an expert sandwich maker.
No doubt! Maybe I’ll show you how to scramble an egg next.
NOW ASKING FOR DONATIONS OF PATIENCE.