Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You have lived through a small crisis. What do you do next?

So I’m finally back at work. Yup. I thought I would take a day off and rest amongst the crazy people I work with. It would give me time to catch up on my blog stalking too so it’s win win.

You know, I’ve learned there are things you should have in your house at all times in case of emergencies. Learn from my mistakes and keep these things handy.

Rubber boots-
While surveying our neighborhood, I saw kids frolicking in the flood water while their parents stood by and had a couple of brewskies reminiscing about the 87’ flood (why didn’t someone warn us about this freakin’ 87’ flood?? Maybe the hubs and I would have bought a house somewhere else! Maybe one inside the river to save us some trouble.). People! The water is contaminated! Your kids are probably playing with something the neighbor two blocks over had for dinner! That thing floating is not a cork shaped fish dumbasses.

Sadly, when we went to the store early on Saturday, they had run out of rubber boots. (I don’t know what kind of kinky convention was in town but they emptied the shelves. Bastards.)
When Andy was finally able to find a hole in the cop barricades on Tuesday and venture out to buy some things, he did find one pair of rubber boots. Nice pepto pink two sizes too big.



Don’t analyze this picture because I umm, haven’t shaved my legs.

Since they fit my mom perfectly, I gave them to her and my sister brought a pair she said would fit me like a glove.


As much as I would have loved to keep the Hello Kitty boots, I’ve got a rep to protect. Maybe I can find ones with Mighty Mouse on them?


Rubber gloves-
I know I have some somewhere but I couldn’t find them anywhere!

Booze-
We were down to 1 beer and 2 mojitos. Suuuure we had a bunch of water bottles but lets be realistic here. If you want to drown your sorrows, mixing Kool Aid with water and pretending it’s mojitos with pomegranate juice will just make you more aware of how ridiculous you really are.

Food:
I have said before how my mom is the one who cooks, right? Therefore, her place doing an impersonation of the Titanic, left us with no food and we had to rely on my meager fridge which was even more pathetic because Andy hadn’t gone grocery shopping (hence the lack of booze). We had ordered 2 large pizzas to feed people helping us on Saturday but the pizza guy got there 2 hours later. After everyone had left.

We ate pizza for 3 days. I remember being a kid and saying stupid things like “Boy! I wish I could eat pizza every day!” What the hell was I thinking?? I must have been hopped up on Kool Aid!

Patience-
Take whatever you normally keep and triple it. Everything will start to annoy you. Hugs? I don't want no stinkin' hugs! No, I am not tired so stop asking! Brownies? take those brownies and-- okay, I'll have the brownies.

Example, here are some moments with mom.

As you saw before, her place was underwater so she lost some essentials. One very important one being toilet paper. She asked me for some to take upstairs to her new living space. I gave her a whole package of TP because I’m sweet like that.

The next day…

Mom:
What kind of TP do you buy? That generic cheap stuff?

Bee:
No, it’s actually a little more expensive because it’s recycled.

Mom:
QUE?? MORE EXPENSIVE??

Bee:
Yeah but it’s recycled. I’m doing my part to save polar bears so I don’t mind spending a little more.

Mom:
Bah! A polar bear would eat you and not care that you gave your butt road rash to save it!

Bee:


All this while I was on my hands and knees trying to fish CDs out of my mom’s closet while waving my ass in the air.


---------------------------------------

Since she and I will now be sharing a kitchen (YIKES!!)

Mom:
Ooh! I like these pans! When did you get them?

Bee:
What do you mean 'when did I get them'?

Mom:
Well, they seem new but I don’t remember you telling me you bought new pans.

Bee:
Ma, those were the ones I bought when I got married.

Mom:
You’ve had them for SEVEN YEARS?? Do you know how many pans I've gone through in 7 years? What? You don’t cook to save more polar bears?


-------------------------------------------
After a long hard day of throwing stuff out, cleaning, disinfecting and eating brownies:

Bee:
Mom, why don’t you stop and let me make you a sandwich?

Mom:
No. You buy that sweet ham that taste like it was dipped in sugar.

Bee:
Next time Andy ventures out into the abyss, I’ll ask him to see if they have ham roasted in jalapeños but how about I make you a sandwich anyway?

Mom:
::sigh:: Okay.
-
I made her a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, with crunchy bacon (everything is better with bacon) and just a little bit of mustard.
-
Mom: [surprised]
THIS IS REALLY GOOD!

Bee:
Well, I am an expert sandwich maker.

Mom:
No doubt! Maybe I’ll show you how to scramble an egg next.
.


NOW ASKING FOR DONATIONS OF PATIENCE.

Humor-Blogs

26 comments:

  1. Yes, you definitely need to keep plenty of supplies in. Tins are good, but don't forget to keep a spare tin-opener.

    I agree with your mum when it comes to the polar bears...

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  2. awww Bee. Father Al would be both happy and annoyed.

    dang, now I want a BLT for supper..

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  3. I bet you're tired. You wanna hug? Oh, what was it that you were saying about being annoyed, I was too caught up in trying to give you a hug, haha.

    And no booze?! Im surprised you guys didnt go raid a store for you liquor. What are you thinking? Get out there and fill that fridge with some booze. Polar Bears know when you are sober, stop disappointing them, haha.

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  4. Yes, you can put me down for a BLT, too.

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  5. ...I love me some Mighty Mouse now...if you find those perfect Mighty Mouse boots---well, just remember me. I wear a size 6.
    And I'll keep my eyes open down here for them as well.
    :)

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  6. It's my belief that disasters and hospitalizations bring out the best (also known as "the worst") in people. I think you're still edging close to the best, but I'll send good thoughts out to the universe that it stays that way.

    Also? Can you maybe sneak those pink wellies away from your mom and send them my way?

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  7. Look on the bright side, your sandwich making powers are unimpaired.

    I mean, that's got to be worth quite a bit.

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  8. It *is* always good to have supplies on hand... but ya know, when the hurricanes are WAY the hell DOWN THERE and we're ALL the way UP HERE? It doesn't necessarily cross your mind that gee, I think we might be playing "King of the World" from the roof peak later in the week. Heh.

    We'd be essentially screwed the same way, except we'd wind up eating whatEVER the frightening things are that are canned in the BACK of my Mom's pantry upstairs, since *we* are the basement dwellers over here. *shiver*

    Again, I do NOT envy you this mini-catastrophe. However, I *did* offer you Mojitos for the mere price of an upstream swim. So, I'm finding you at fault for not taking me up on my offer when you whine about the lack of alcoholic goodness in your home. ;)

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  9. What a friggin' catastrophe! You ran out of booze??? What the hell were you thinkin'?

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  10. Brian:
    What? You agree that they'll eat me? Well that is just rude!

    jean knee:
    I don't want to brag (much) but I make a mean BLT!

    Marie:
    I'd make it for you since you're pregos and all!

    Fly:
    No hugs.
    We had to ration the booze. It was sad.

    Brian:
    Did you bring the bacon?

    Lainey-Paney:
    Ha Ha! Mighty Mouse kicks ass! ;o)

    FADKOG:
    Thanks! I'm hoping we'll keep it together long enough for her place to get rebuilt. I'll send you the pink wellies if she misbehaves! :o)

    Chris:
    Yes. I was worried there for a minute because I got a hand cramp that wouldn't go away but it's all good now.

    Larissa:
    Yeah, I heard rain all weekend and went to sleep not knowing my world was going to be turned upside down.
    Truuue about the booze but I didn't want to get my hair wet. Next time I'll hijack a kayak.

    Humorsmith:
    We drank it all on Friday night. Nobody was prepared for this emergency.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Booze and rubber boots? That sounds like a fun night.

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  12. "You just survived a devastating flood! What are you going to do next?"

    "I'm going to punch my mother and go to Disney World, motherfucker!"

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  13. You're a saint! slaving away AND making your mom a sandwich! I would have lost my mind. I hope things get better for ya!

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  14. And John J. Savo is the funniest man alive, I swear it. If I weren't already cougaring after the Fly, he'd so be in my sights!

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  15. RECYCLED TOILET PAPER!!!???? EWWWWW!!! how the hell do they recycle the used....

    oh wait, i get it.

    me? day 7, no water. thanks for asking.

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  16. I have this feeling, though, that if anyone could pull off the Hello Kitty boots with dignity and striking fear into the hearts of man, it would be you. :)

    Power to ya.

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  17. Yeah, the Hello Kitty boots rock!!

    And you could easily deface them, play with the letters, add some graphetti (I give up. I can't f-ing spell that word)...

    And...can I borrow your mom? Pour Favor?

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  18. I remember as a kid living in South Florida the streets would flood after a hurricane, TS or big thunderstorm. We'd drag out our rafts and float down the street. Good times.

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  19. You know, you could pretend that this stress has been more than you can handle, and have gone temporarily deaf.

    That way, you could get some hearing aids that help plug your ears, and stop listening to your mom, but still get the joy of her great cooking..

    To me, that's just a win-win situation there...

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  20. You want some neat boots?
    Go here: http://www.amazon.com/Chooka-Womens-Ladybug-Skulls-Rainboot/dp/B000V4IQ38

    Those are the boots a friend gave me since I was moving on to a "rainier" climate. I think they make some pretty snazzy boots!

    AND... I seriously don't know how you did it without booze! I should put you up for sainthood as that had to require superhuman strength.

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  21. barry the polar bearSeptember 19, 2008 at 8:00 PM

    Thank you from the bottom of my polar bear heart!

    ReplyDelete
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