Friday, November 21, 2008

My body is trying to kill me! What a bitch!

You know how sometimes you're in bed and your house is cold so you're cuddled up to your George (a 21 year old teddy bear) and your blankies are up to your chin and your mouth is probably doing that sucking on a bottle OF TEQUILA thing?

There you are, warm, snuggling your teddy bear, probably dreaming of half naked Brad Pitts dancing around just for you when ALL OF A SUDDEN your leg decides it is tired of living and tries to commit harakiri 腹切り (only without the cutting of the stomach part)(don't get technical with me okay? I know that is the definition for harakiri but the last thing I need is for somebody else correcting me) in the most painful way imaginable by taking your calf muscles and twisting them until they look like this: 


This is what some call a Charley Horse and I call why-not-just-pull-my-heart-out-through-my-nose-you-rotten-bastard-that-way-I-will-die-faster. Both terms are acceptable.

Anyway, once you get the dreaded Charley Horse (I will use this term since the other one takes up too much space) you go from sound asleep to literally jumping straight out of bed and fighting the tentacles of your spouse/significant other/torturer frantically trying to straighten your leg and end the misery.

stretchinglegIn the narrow space you have between your side of the bed and the wall, you start doing yoga poses, something you've never done while awake or sober, and you beg for the pain to go away. All this while your spouse/significant other/torturer/jerk laughs at the fact that you shot up 3ft in the air and did an amazing vault that deserved a 10 from the gymnast judges. He laughs and laughs and you swear at him that his pubic hair will be pulled out one by one without the benefits of anesthesia.

The pain is such that your mouth has an after taste unlike anything you've ever tasted. I mean, you'd remember if you had sucked on a tailpipe, right?

Then, just when you think the danger is over, you start to sit back on the bed and make the mistake of trying to get your leg to accompany the rest of your body. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??? This sends your spouse/significant other/torturer/jerk/jackass into uncontrollable laughter so you go looking for the tweezers to make good on your threat but then you notice walking is making it better.

rubberbandtwistYou walk around for a little bit until you think the knot in your leg won't commit another act of treason. You go back to bed and your spouse/significant other/torturer/jerk/jackass/maggot offers to give you a (mocking)massage but you know any pressure will just make you cry blood so you politely tell him to go find a spoon and dig his eyeball out of his head.

You get in bed, assume the fetal position and drift into sleep. No longer is Brad Pitt in your dreams. Now you are just having all kinds of nightmares because your subconscious is telling you not to straighten your leg. This manifest itself by showing you images of mannequin legs sticking out of a dumpster. You wake up sore and realize you will have to torture yourself a little more by wearing your 4 inch stilettos to work because it's Friday and therefore your meeting day with OZ, or whatever your boss' name is.

You slip your sad foot into your shoe and wait for the stabbing pain that will stem from your deformed leg... but... NOTHING! The shoes are as comfortable now as they have been the previous times you've worn them. This means you must go out and buy another 10 pairs of the same exact shoe!

Uhm, so yeah. Drink water and eat bananas. That's what my trainer Ovi said will keep Charley Horses at bay.

Also? This did NOT happen to me. Allegedly.

Aww what the fuck! I saw Moulin Rouge on the cable guide only to be denied because it's the 1952 version! I was tricked! Bastards. Did you know that Colette Marchand (the Nicole Kidman of the 50s) had (maybe she's still alive and I'm killing her?) a lazy eye? And what is with the brutal kisses in old movies?? Did the director think it would make a movie sexier if it looked like the guy was trying to eat his lover's mouth?? Did they not get the memo that ravishing and ravenous are two different things???



Today, I added the word *fuck* to my Live Writer dictionary. Champagne for everyone! Except Andy.


My dog Tazz has been playing my nieces piano and I think he's pissed that he sucks because he keeps growling while he does it. Or maybe he's singing? I tell ya that I live in a nuthouse!

cell 11.21.08 002




  1. First!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. Tazz clearly has talent, and could become an A-list performing dog. Perhaps you should give up your job and move to LA to become his agent.

  3. I got one in my foot last night and had to Stand and walk on it. They are so annOying. It's from lack of potassium, hence the banana, WHICH I DIDN'T HAVE.

    Lierally or figuratively.

  4. I don't like bananas.

    I feel your pain though. I have body-itis. If you don't believe me look it up on Web-MD. Oh, it's not there, well I do know I have it. lol

  5. Don't be so hard on Andy, how can you not laugh at that?

    Who's making me breakfast on Sunday?

  6. anything involving vaulting from bed in the freezing cold is sheer torture!

  7. i get charlie horse cramps in the bottoms of my feet.


  8. Isn't amazing what heels does for a girl?

  9. Clearly your leg is trying to kill you because it doesn't want you to talk to Oz. Must be some conspiracy among your lower limbs?

    I'd be very suspicious ...

  10. I get Charley Horses in my brain. Oh, and don't watch old musicals. This will only result in more cramps.

  11. LOL...I would totally make fun of you too. I'd probably have to get you flowers afterward, but that's the price of a good laugh sometimes.

  12. My dad used to get those in the middle of the night. He'd scare the crap out of us 'cause the sound of a 6'+ man screaming and hopping on one leg at 2 am. is not nice.

  13. When I was younger, I used to get them in my big toe. It would point up towards me and wouldn't go back down! And it hurt me!
    Then, during all of my pregnancies, I got them in both my big toes and my calves! It was torture done to me by my own body!
    Of course, you already know how I feel about our bodies rejecting us. The have a mind of their own!

  14. First in spirit! And first to comment that suffered a long bought of Charley Horses last night, I bet. Yes, I call them Charley Horses too and they suck. Welcome to 36. My son gets them too, but he's only three, so they can be called "Growing pains". Ugg. We have finally reached that age where talking about aches and pains is a normal part of our conversations. I have turned into my Aunt Jean overnight.

  15. Great post!

    Those cramps come at the worst times, usually when I'm in front of a room full of people teaching a yoga class. I grab my foot and screech. The class grabs their foot and screeches....oops.

  16. I can't eat bananas since they trigger vascular headaches so I take a low dose potassium pill every day with my vitamins - not a single charlie horse since.


  17. I hate charley horses, both in my feet and legs. Its the only pain, besides child birth, that makes me cry. Last time I got one I was walking around and Emma was trying to rub my leg.

  18. You described charlie horses perfectly! I get them in my hands real bad. They make me look like my friend in the third grade who was double jointed and could twist his fingers in a perfect sailor's knot!


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