Monday, November 3, 2008

Kids, mimes, clowns, pimples, paparazzi... THINGS THAT SCARE BEE!

Does anybody else hate being the designated candy giver? I don't know how you yourself are with Halloweeners but I personally can't fake the "oh, you look so cute!" which is the mandatory exclamation when kids come to your house trick or treating. Usually, it's my sister who "oohs and ahs" over the kids as she gives out the candy but this year, she had to prepare for a road trip to Texas so she was all "Sorry Bee. I have to pack and get the girls ready for a cross country trip so I won't be able to help you."

I know! How selfish of her!

So there I am, handing out candy to little people in costumes. I don't know who was more frightened, the kids because they were being subjected to a silent house frau or me who was confronted with that that I fear the most, children.

A few teenagers showed up at my house with their "costumes" consisting of black and white paint on their faces, regular clothes and pillow cases for their candy. That was fine and good until they tried to dig their hands into the candy bowl. I had to lay the smack down a few different times and tell them to mind their fookin manners! You don't go to another person's house and manhandle their candy dish! What is wrong with the teenagers of today? They have no respect for anybody.

Anyway, at about 8:45, I decided to close up shop and put a blanket over the window panels on my front door. If there were any teenage stragglers coming for treats, they wouldn't be able to see me laugh as I ate the last few Reese's peanut butter cups.


Saturday night, Andy dragged me to the grocery store. He said I couldn't be
left alone or I might just wind up locking myself in the bathroom again.
Usually, I stomp through the aisles and complain about how long it's taking but this time I needed 2 very important things that only I new how to buy (seriously). OXY (the pimple cream) for the stupid pimples that are now marking their territory on my face and lotion for the extra dry skin that comes with old age.

What does it say about me that I was ecstatic when I found out OXY was buy one get one free??

How pathetic is it that I "woohoo'd" in the middle of the anti-wrinkle/blemish aisle causing one lady to grab her cart and roll away from me?

Then!

My euphoria committed suicide when I saw my special anti-itch-extra-dry-skin-old-lady lotion was -------- wait for it -------- TWELVE DOLLARS!

Did they ground up baby seals and snow leopards into my lotion? I could probably feed a family of 6 (dogs) with $12. And have $2 leftover for ice cream (dogs can't eat ice cream so it would obviously be for me).

While we were waiting to pay, I saw this picture of Jennifer Aniston with the following caption:


"Jen looks pregnant. Is that why she got back together with John Mayer?"
And then they circled her tummy (because if they circled her leg, we would all
be confused).

<--They call that a pooch??


Maybe she'd just eaten a big burrito!

That's another reason why I can never become a movie star. The paparazzi would be all over me every month and I would have a perpetual circle around my stomach with captions like "When will she ever give birth?" "Is she expecting twins?" "How much for that doggy in the window?"

Men are lucky! When they're bloated, nobody assumes they'll be dropping a litter in a few weeks.

ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ

On a different kind of note.

I've noticed people have been de-linking me from their blogrolls. I don't know if it's because of my foul language or because I now have short hair and they're anti-short-hair-ites but it hurts, people. It cuts deep into places of my soul I only visit when I'm feeling holy. Watch me squeeze out a tear... okay...... here.... it.... comes.....

Alright, I'm just kidding. I understand how it would be impossible to keep up with the awesome that is me.

If somebody has me on their blogroll and I don't have you on mine, please leave your link in comments so that I may add it now. I'm going to be making two separate pages. One showcasing my many many many awards and another one with my lengthy blogroll kind of like how
Marie from Memarie Lane has hers. With a little snippet as to why people should stalk your blogs.


P.S.
Not to sound too demanding but... if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday, I want a baby seal and a snow leopard. Andy won't get them for me. Something about dangerous blah blah but he's always been a killjoy.

P.P.S.
To those of you who asked why I had my cellphone in the bathroom with me when I took a shower, what if there's an emergency?? It's also my clock/alarm and it goes off every 10 minutes reminding me I have to go to work.

I carry my phone wherever I go.

Humor-Blogs

33 comments:

  1. Living in a flat, I don't get trick or treaters.

    You've no need to become famous - apart from the getting really rich bit, so that you can shower all your friends with expensive gifts (actually just the cash would be fine). We don't need paparazzi to find out what you're buying in the supermarket, or about your latest haircut.

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  2. Aww, Bee! I'm not in your blogroll, dammit! >=(

    *goes and pouts in the corner*

    And I completely agree with the scary mimes & clowns... EEK!

    You should have seen some of the teenagers (and ADULTS) trick-or-treating with their sorry costume excuses! There was two women with two little kids - the women both had a star painted on their cheek, the infant! in the stroller had a star bunting on (and a bag stuck next to him in the stroller), and the little girl? Halloween tights and a big puffy winter coat.

    Yeah. Four bags of candy means the moms were trick-or-treating, too. Made me want to vomit on their shoes. =P

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  3. A friend of mine swears by tea tree oil for pimples - seriously!

    As to the blogroll deletions, shame. No fair.

    One snow leopard in the post today!

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  4. I've heard that tea tree oil zaps zits, too. I think you can finish oak floors with that stuff, too. My 96-year-old grandmother swears flour mixed with a little water to make a paste applied to a pimple does the trick. This is the same woman who came to 'help' me after my son was born. She wanted to wrap him in cloths soaked in warm olive oil to soothe his colic. I told her he was a baby, not a freakin' grape leave.

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  5. I hate the tweens who think that they don't have to say a damn word to get candy, like it's their right to get free candy. They don't say trick or treat, thanks or anything. They just stand on my porch looking like ungrateful little bastards and if I was a bigger prick than people think I am I slam the door in their faces.

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  6. I'd send you a snow leopard, but my wife won't let go..

    Maybe I'll be able to compromise, and send them BOTH?

    We'll see.

    Oh, and GREAT hair Bee!

    Happy November!

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  7. After gorging on half a bag of Milky Ways, I, too, look pregnant. However, unlike Jennifer Aniston, I look like I'm pregnant with an elephant. Or perhaps a snow leopard. If it is, indeed, a snow leopard, well, happy birthday, Bee! It's all yours!

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  8. Brian:
    I kinda want the getting rich thing. I could then buy a new washer so that I don't have to keep going to the freakin laundromat that keeps wrinkle my clothes as if trolls were inside of it playing tug of war with them!

    Larissa:
    I will remedy the situation this weekend!

    Dude, I had tons of people in fake costumes wanting my candy. I'm okay giving to the kids but the parents? What the fuck! I should go to their house and see if they're giving out candy.

    Chris:
    I'll look into the tea tree oils, thanks!
    If my skin weren't as tough as an elephants, the blogroll thing would have sent me into a rage.
    And I'll be waiting for that snow leopard, thanks again!

    Deb:
    My grandmother put bean juice on my brother Dan when he burned himself with scalding hot water. We have old school grandmas!

    Sornie:
    GO SORNIE! GO SORNIE!
    (you can't see it but I'm doing that weird little "it's your birthday dance")

    Jormengrund:
    I have to warn you, I'm alpha female so things might not work out between me and your wife...

    And thanks about the hair comment! :o)

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  9. FADKOG:
    As long as it's not a panda since Brian seems to have a weird panda fetish...

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  10. I've tried to cut down on blog rolls. I've gone to blog crossiants instead...

    By-the-way, did you know I get a 'stack overflow' every time I access your place? I didn't know your stack overflowed so much!!!

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  11. I'm not in your blogroll either, yet I've had you in mine forever.

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  12. VE:
    Mmmm now I want a croisaunt!

    Yeah, I don't get the overclow thing. I googled and it said something in chinese. I don't get the message when I use Godzilla though.

    Jacki:
    You are on my blogroll, Jacki. You've been there for a very long time. Since before you went on your trip.

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  13. it bothers me too that I have old lady dry skin and pimples at the same time.

    that means we're still fertile BTW:)

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  14. Okay.
    JEAN KNEE JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME BY SAYING WE --I'M-- STILL FERTILE!!

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  15. I was scared of kids too until I had one. But stick with your pets, muchless hassle in the long run.

    I had the exact same thoughts about Jennifer Anniston when I saw that cover the other day. That's a pooch - no freaking way.

    You will be in my blogroll ventually.

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  16. Hey Bee!

    You're FERTILE!

    Fertile, fertile, fertile, fertile..

    Just think..

    You COULD make Guiness, just by being the OLDEST pregnancy! *wink*

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  17. Jannie:
    I have 2 nieces and I'm not afraid of them until I have to change a diaper or answer questions about death.
    Hey, don't put me on your blogroll out of pity! But... if you insist:op

    J!:
    I never pegged you for being mean and making women cry!
    Mean, you are sooo mean!

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  18. stuffed toy uterus on NCS' blogNovember 4, 2008 at 11:10 AM

    it's not too late Bee

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  19. Who knows where those hands have been? I see your point there.

    Hmm I thin I need to add you to my blogroll...thanks for reminding me.

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  20. Heinous:
    Exactly!

    I subscribed to your feed and have you on my favorites on Scarlett (my cellphone) but I don't have you on my blogcroisaunt! How weird.

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  21. stuffed toy uterus on NCS' blog:
    Now because of what you said, the Goody SHop will be closed until further notice!
    Andy will want a word with you.

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  22. Bee-

    I hate giving out candy so much that I accompanied my spouse and our toddler, in the rain and cold, while 8 months pregnant, so I did not have to sit on the porch and give out candy (or conversely sit in the house in the dark and feel guilty).

    Now I make everyone and anyone else in the family do it - the girls are older now, much older! hooray! they can do it - and plead NaNoWriMo as extra insurance. Gotta sit in the basement study and write! Can't be near the door at all!

    I am so glad that you wrote about that. I am like the only person around this neighborhood who hates it (yeah, like I did a survey. I did not, I just guessed)

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  23. Lidian:
    My mom, sister and husband were trying to make me feel guilty for hating this task.
    Luckily, I'm one of those people who stands by what she feels and whines, complains, groans, moans for all to hear!
    As a matter of fact, I told them that if they didn't stuff it, I was canceling Halloween next year. :o)

    Glad you came over!

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  24. That is also exactly why I chose not to become a movie star too Bee! Leo (Leonardo Decaprio to you low people) keeps calling me and sending me mail but I just keep telling him that I don't want my pooch circled every time I eat a Snickers Bar, you know?

    I do have a few questions for you:

    1. How do you do the separate pages for all of that stuff? I want a cool blog that does all of that, not that I need a whole page for all of my links, although I would need a whole separate just for Brian who is still on a time out. But I just want it!

    2. People are de-linking you??? Ok, listen, just between me and you, the hubs here is Italian and he's from Connecticutt so I'm sure he knows a guy who knows a guy (get what I'm sayin?) You just say the word Bee and kneecaps will be whacked!

    3. So, say that I were to call you on your cellphone (not that I could because I don't have your number....yet....) and you're in the potty going.....make..you would have your phone there. Would you answer?

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  25. Wait? Passing out candy to little people? Really? Like dwarfs or midgets? How did you know? Also? Jen Anniston preggers? Honey, if she's preggers then I'm in my last trimester. The media would have a field day with me on "bump watch". They could have double chin watch too. Hey, what did you ever decide to do with your hair?

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  26. I hate teenagers, there should be an age limit for trick or treaters.

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  27. I didn't have a single trick-or-treater. I think I may be having a Snicker Baby myself, now.

    Good luck on that baby seal. I'd give you mine, but geez, you get so attached to the little things!

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  28. Tracy:
    1)
    I am going to make a new blog with the name award-blogroll
    2)
    I'm okay about the de-linking. Not everybody appreciates awesome.
    3)
    I don't take it in when I'm using the facilities. I'm in and out but when I take a shower, I'm in there longer because I also "do" my hair and make up.
    If I've taking in my pocket into public restrooms and I never answer it if it rings. I hope that makes you feel better. :op

    Jen:
    No, I just meant little people. As in little people. Hope that clears it up for ya'! :op
    Yeah, the media is ridonculous!

    Dan:
    Great idea! We'll card them at the door! "DEHN! Sorry! You're too old!"
    Make them learn early.

    RLL:
    Wow! No treaters! You are so lucky!

    Yeah, baby seals are soo damn cute!

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  29. Your birthday? Have to admit I haven't given it a thought. You're on my blogroll, what more do you want? lol

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  30. I had to look our very cute and very nice pharmacist in the eye and tell him "No Thanks" just last week. My kids were mortified. What can I do? I just don't have 60 bucks to plunk down on pimple cream for Lauren. Yes, SIXTY DOLLARS and that was after our insurance picked up some of the tab.

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  31. Papi got stalked on Halloween night. I took the kids to their Kung Fu practice and then to a Halloween party. he rolled in the driveway at 6:00 while it was still daylight and got assaulted before he could even get in the door.

    Nasty little kids!

    One group tried to jiggle the door handle and Papi deadbolted our front door fearing that it was a group of evil candy zombies.

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  32. I want to know why nobody follows me. It hurts MY tiny tender little feelings, you know?

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.