Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Reincarnation. I'd like to come back as Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. Only less racist. And with an easier spelling name. And taller. Maybe I want to be Hulk Hogan? With a full head of hair. And no beard. Do titles really matter anymore?

Okay, so it's been a long time since I had a nice long rant. I feel I've been neglecting my soul in not regularly purging the venom deep inside of me so today I will let loose ladies and gents. Are you all ready? If not raise your hands.

You. That person in the front with the audacity to raise your hand. You are dismissed and can go HERE.

Okay, as some of you may know, the Cor-Rut household was about to float away into the deep blue sea. Luckily, we had the foresight to anchor it to our pine tree before the flood came.

This event took place on 9/13/08. When did I file my flood claim? Same day, 9/13/08.

I posted here how the douchebags at my home owners washed their hands of us. How FEMA themselves came out and said we had minor damage and because we must be living on a mountain of gold covered turds, they were not offering us any help. But they did help those who only had an inch of water in their basement with no damage because they didn't have flood insurance so why not give them 3 grand?

Okay, our flood insurance finally sent us the check and I posted about that HERE saying how we needed to have the check signed by all parties involved. That would be the hubs, me and the 2 mortgage companies.

Here is where it gets wild!

We went to the first bank and spoke to some lady. She asked if we had started the paperwork to get an authorization for a signature. We said no because this was new to us and I asked her if she had the paperwork so we may fill it out.

Now, you'd think that they would have all the information necessary to guide their customers along something they had never done before and considering the traumatic events leading up to it, they would be more than happy to help, right?


She told me to call the 800 number and ask them what to do, niiiice!

We left that bank and went to our primary mortgage holder bank where we were informed that the check had to be fully endorsed by us and the lame-nut bank we had just left before they would help. Once that was done they would take our check and send it to their mortgage department in Whothefuckknowswhwheresville so they could look it over, sign it and then mail it back to us.

I'm not sure if you know me by now but I'm not what you would call a trusting person by any stretch of the imagination. The bank guy seemed like a nice guy and I'm sure they go through an extensive background check that probably stops short of a prostrate exam but this is our money. Money we have been waiting for so we can do silly things like, put up walls, replace the water heater and pay the people who are schedule to come on 12/22 to seal our fuckin foundation! Thank the lord Andy was able to fix the furnace because we would have been a couple of gross tasting popsicles right about now.

Andy and I walked out of the bank feeling homicidal. We talked it over but really what was there to talk about? We had to do what they said.

Since it was Saturday, we had to wait until Monday to get the ball rolling.

On Monday, when I called the first lame-nut bank, after being transferred here and there, I was told that the turdlaced bank we went to the first time had the authority to sign the fuckin check. They suggested I have them call the home office if they had any questions.


Tuesday, I left work early and headed to the bank. We explained the whole dealio to the bank rep. She called their home office and was transferred to about 5 different people until she was told that yes, they could sign the freakin' check.

We went to our primary mortgage holder and gave the nice guy our check but we did ask him for something in writing stating we were giving him the insurance check and to write down the amount. Can you believe they weren't going to give us a receipt?? Hello Vegas!!

Bee to Nice Bank Guy:

Where will they mail the check? I do not want a fully endorsed check accidentally going to my neighbor Wilson because he's been wanting a new riding lawn mower.

Nice Bank Guy:

I'm going to overnight it to the mortgage department and I'll have them mail it to this branch. It should be back within 5-7 days.

Bee and Andy walk out of the bank with a queasy feeling in their stomachs. But that could be because of the Buffalo Wings they ate.

5-7 days later, I call my new friend Mr. Nice Bank Guy and say:

"Yo' dude, where's mah monee??"

He doesn't know so he makes some phone calls and calls me back:

"The check was mailed to your home address on December 5th"

It was now the 11th, WTF? I kept an eye on my neighbors checking to see if they were walking around in new mink coats and what not but they were the same broke asses as before.

On the 13th we got our check in the mail. That is 3 months after we filed the claim. THREE MONTHS.

Let's forget about the fact that they sent it regular mail where any Peeping Tom, Drunk Doug or Nosey Ned could reach into my mailbox and take it and buy a months worth of happy endings.

We were happy since we finally had all the hassles over and done with! Whoopie! High Fives all around!

But wait. It seems too good to be true. No more new ulcers making themselves at home in my already holey stomach?

Yeah right!

Monday (yesterday) after work, Andy and I headed to our bank to deposit the check and we were in unusually good spirits. The stress had lifted, the freezing temps were no match for this feeling of relief.

Do you guys remember the little Asian lady who gave me a hard time for not signing with my husband's name on my paycheck? Well, she found a new way to twist our balls.

"Oh no. We no longer cash check for insurance without medallions."


"We got memo this weeken. Other banks must sign and then stamp with medallion"

What I want to know is- whose fuckin nightmare I'm starring in. I need out right now!

I told them to give us our damn check and this was going to be the last time they saw us and our $30 savings account! That'll show 'em!

We are going to open a new account with the bank that has our mortgage. I'm guessing they won't give us any more shit or I will introduce them to my right foot with a follow up of left foot!

We couldn't go today because Mother Nature, bitch that she is, decided to dump a billion inches of snow on us so we'll have to go Wednesday.

To recap, insurance companies suck ass, FEMA sucks nuts and banks are the biggest douche bags of the lot!

I would really love to name names and tell you what banks I'm talking about so that they can search themselves and find out how much they suck but I don't need you crazy hackers stealing our $30 before we can buy more booze.



  1. Unfreaking believeable...but not really. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's ridiculous. FEMA does suck! I was fortunate enough not to need them after Hurricane IKE, but I did checked their web site to get some info and the storm they had information up on was RITA. ??? Yep, RITA, the one that hit three weeks after Katrina in 2005.

  2. It's great the way that financial institutions in the 21st century with all their computers and networks are able to move money around so efficiently. If only they took 3 months to deduct items from your account when you bought stuff...

  3. What a parade of turds you've been dealing with! I'm going to mail you one of my special, accepted everywhere, CJ Wood vouchers for a lavish weekend at any pricey hotel or spa.

    You and Andy can live it up with unlimited cocktails while sat in a jacuzzi and taking pot shots at midgets dressed as bank workers.

  4. Wow...that's all I can muster...

  5. Seriously, Seriously. Tell them to "Suck It". Greedy banks! I'm glad you didn't give them your business. Good Luck

  6. The last time I had to deal with getting insurace stuff, the two banks involved disagreed about how much the property was worth. Because of this, they demanded that I pay out of my pocket to have an assesor come out and give a "fair market value" for the property. Then, each bank gave me their recommendation for who I should choose. Of course, I got two different names.

    Being the rebel that I am, I got a third party assessor. However, when I brought back his assessment, neither bank would endorse it because they didn't know him, and refused to believe that it was a real document.

    Needless to say, I had to go to court over the whole thing, and since then, I've made sure that NOBODY I know of uses either of these two financial institutions..

  7. You said: "insurance companies suck ass, FEMA sucks nuts and banks are the biggest douche bags of the lot" Wow, between them it sounds as though you've got a weird sex party going.

    Do you get the feeling that these people might, just might mind you, prefer that you not get your money? Either that or they are sadistic bastards. Or just complete fucking idiots.

    Good luck; although it sounds as though it's already too late for that.

  8. yeah, call the 800 number and tell them that it took Orion almost 10 minutes just to read through the title of this post!! I don't think that will help you, but it would make you feel better than having a bowling ball up your ass while you're getting fucked by the people with monies.

  9. This is so funny. Not funny haha, funny queer. Not funny gay, but funny weird. You know.

    Anyway, because I just closed my account too, and the post goes up tonight. Banks are assholes! I'm putting my trust back where it belongs. In my underwear drawer.

  10. OMg... what a nightmare... I'm getting an ulcer just reading about it!

  11. This totally makes me want to go and work for FEMA or for the banks just so I can slap some people in the mouth on your behalf.

  12. remember, no matter how frustrated you get, doooont 'kick the dog'

  13. For some reason I felt like I had to read this all in one breath (and no punctuation)!

    It also reminded me of "Amazing Race." I can picture you and Andy running around from place to place trying to put together what these incompetent fools tell you just to make sense out of it and to know what the next step is...

  14. "Asswipes that want to rule the world"

    I love that this is one of the labels. That could describe me. And that snarky asian lady who gives you a hard time, sounds like my mom but don't mess, she carries a switchblade and will cut you up. Sorry you went through so much poop to get your sweet mula but now you can roll around in the Washingtons.

  15. Damn. They just do whatever the hell they want, don't they. I hope this works out soon.

  16. FUCKERS!!

    That's all I can say because it really pisses me off but I have no similar stories to relate except that our car insurance was canceled recently, but that was because we didn't pay it. So that's different, I guess.

  17. Cripes, Bee! I'm glad the check was in the mail, but still! I hope the people coming to work on your foundation don't get you the same run around as the bank situation, because you're a woman on the edge!

  18. Humor Blogs has totally shut down my voting based on IP. I got one vote today and got banned.

    I O U one vote.

  19. Wow Bee.
    How did you keep your cool? No costumer service whatsoever >:( Jerks.

  20. And I thought our bureaucracy was bad... Banks are so evil, all they care about is money.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.