Reincarnation. I'd like to come back as Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. Only less racist. And with an easier spelling name. And taller. Maybe I want to be Hulk Hogan? With a full head of hair. And no beard. Do titles really matter anymore?

Okay, so it's been a long time since I had a nice long rant. I feel I've been neglecting my soul in not regularly purging the venom deep inside of me so today I will let loose ladies and gents. Are you all ready? If not raise your hands.

You. That person in the front with the audacity to raise your hand. You are dismissed and can go HERE.

Okay, as some of you may know, the Cor-Rut household was about to float away into the deep blue sea. Luckily, we had the foresight to anchor it to our pine tree before the flood came.

This event took place on 9/13/08. When did I file my flood claim? Same day, 9/13/08.

I posted here how the douchebags at my home owners washed their hands of us. How FEMA themselves came out and said we had minor damage and because we must be living on a mountain of gold covered turds, they were not offering us any help. But they did help those who only had an inch of water in their basement with no damage because they didn't have flood insurance so why not give them 3 grand?

Okay, our flood insurance finally sent us the check and I posted about that HERE saying how we needed to have the check signed by all parties involved. That would be the hubs, me and the 2 mortgage companies.

Here is where it gets wild!

We went to the first bank and spoke to some lady. She asked if we had started the paperwork to get an authorization for a signature. We said no because this was new to us and I asked her if she had the paperwork so we may fill it out.

Now, you'd think that they would have all the information necessary to guide their customers along something they had never done before and considering the traumatic events leading up to it, they would be more than happy to help, right?

Nope.

She told me to call the 800 number and ask them what to do, niiiice!

We left that bank and went to our primary mortgage holder bank where we were informed that the check had to be fully endorsed by us and the lame-nut bank we had just left before they would help. Once that was done they would take our check and send it to their mortgage department in Whothefuckknowswhwheresville so they could look it over, sign it and then mail it back to us.

I'm not sure if you know me by now but I'm not what you would call a trusting person by any stretch of the imagination. The bank guy seemed like a nice guy and I'm sure they go through an extensive background check that probably stops short of a prostrate exam but this is our money. Money we have been waiting for so we can do silly things like, put up walls, replace the water heater and pay the people who are schedule to come on 12/22 to seal our fuckin foundation! Thank the lord Andy was able to fix the furnace because we would have been a couple of gross tasting popsicles right about now.

Andy and I walked out of the bank feeling homicidal. We talked it over but really what was there to talk about? We had to do what they said.

Since it was Saturday, we had to wait until Monday to get the ball rolling.

On Monday, when I called the first lame-nut bank, after being transferred here and there, I was told that the turdlaced bank we went to the first time had the authority to sign the fuckin check. They suggested I have them call the home office if they had any questions.

ANOTHER DAY WASTED BECAUSE THEY CLOSE AT 5.

Tuesday, I left work early and headed to the bank. We explained the whole dealio to the bank rep. She called their home office and was transferred to about 5 different people until she was told that yes, they could sign the freakin' check.

We went to our primary mortgage holder and gave the nice guy our check but we did ask him for something in writing stating we were giving him the insurance check and to write down the amount. Can you believe they weren't going to give us a receipt?? Hello Vegas!!

Bee to Nice Bank Guy:

Where will they mail the check? I do not want a fully endorsed check accidentally going to my neighbor Wilson because he's been wanting a new riding lawn mower.

Nice Bank Guy:

I'm going to overnight it to the mortgage department and I'll have them mail it to this branch. It should be back within 5-7 days.

Bee and Andy walk out of the bank with a queasy feeling in their stomachs. But that could be because of the Buffalo Wings they ate.

5-7 days later, I call my new friend Mr. Nice Bank Guy and say:

"Yo' dude, where's mah monee??"

He doesn't know so he makes some phone calls and calls me back:

"The check was mailed to your home address on December 5th"

It was now the 11^th, WTF? I kept an eye on my neighbors checking to see if they were walking around in new mink coats and what not but they were the same broke asses as before.

On the 13^th we got our check in the mail. That is 3 months after we filed the claim. THREE MONTHS.

Let's forget about the fact that they sent it regular mail where any Peeping Tom, Drunk Doug or Nosey Ned could reach into my mailbox and take it and buy a months worth of happy endings.

We were happy since we finally had all the hassles over and done with! Whoopie! High Fives all around!

But wait. It seems too good to be true. No more new ulcers making themselves at home in my already holey stomach?

Yeah right!

Monday (yesterday) after work, Andy and I headed to our bank to deposit the check and we were in unusually good spirits. The stress had lifted, the freezing temps were no match for this feeling of relief.

Do you guys remember the little Asian lady who gave me a hard time for not signing with my husband's name on my paycheck? Well, she found a new way to twist our balls.

"Oh no. We no longer cash check for insurance without medallions."

What?

"We got memo this weeken. Other banks must sign and then stamp with medallion"

What I want to know is- whose fuckin nightmare I'm starring in. I need out right now!

I told them to give us our damn check and this was going to be the last time they saw us and our $30 savings account! That'll show 'em!

We are going to open a new account with the bank that has our mortgage. I'm guessing they won't give us any more shit or I will introduce them to my right foot with a follow up of left foot!

We couldn't go today because Mother Nature, bitch that she is, decided to dump a billion inches of snow on us so we'll have to go Wednesday.

To recap, insurance companies suck ass, FEMA sucks nuts and banks are the biggest douche bags of the lot!

I would really love to name names and tell you what banks I'm talking about so that they can search themselves and find out how much they suck but I don't need you crazy hackers stealing our $30 before we can buy more booze.

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