Monday, August 25, 2008

What I need is hazard pay for all the purple nurples!


Glynda’s on vaca until Thursday, which is just as well since she and I had an issue over the brain dead assistant. Here is a brief synopsis: OZ wanted a report on what she had accomplished. I typed it up and left nothing out. HE went berserk and tore Glynda a new one, before my very eyes, for not firing her! More on her on Friday.

Anyway, she’s the only nurse on Mondays so Scarecrow needed help with an older patient who has Alzheimer’s.

I volunteered like so:

“Ask Milton. Oh, she's in the bathroom? Where’s Tin-Man? The hospital making rounds? Crap! Okay.”

She needed help putting him on the X-Ray table so I helped. Then she asked me to fix his pillow. So I did.
And do you know what that DIRTY OLD BASTARD DID???

He. Grabbed. My. Boobs!!!!

You know, the ones I took off the market when I married Andy? Those!


I almost died of shock right there! Only I controlled myself because my tender pechugas would have landed on his face. That's okay, he thinks OZ charges a lot, wait till he gets MY bill!

So now we have to amend Bee’s Rules for patients.

1) I will not watch your kid if you’re coming in for an exam. You can lock him/her in one of our closets.

2) I will not take your co-pay. Wait for the receptionist to come back from her pee break since I can't handle the pressure of putting a 20 into an envelope.

3) I will not get you a cup off coffee (the fuck??). I’m not your servant. If you ask me for one, you will see mild mannered ME turn into Red Face Spittle Woman!

4) I will not give you a lollipop if you are over 18. (unless you are a really hot guy)(hey, these are my rules and I can make any exceptions I want!) I will ask for ID (if you're hot I might linger in the bushes outside of your house). Don't use the excuse of having bad breath either because you can always carry mints.

5) Do not talk to me while we are passing each other in the hallway. You are a patient therefore beneath me.

And the new added rule:

6) You cannot grab my boobs! No! Bad! No grabby boobies! No! (unless you are a really hot guy)

You can, however, ogle me from afar. Maybe bring me some presents. I wouldn’t object to that.
HEY! Watch your hands! You can't grab my butt either! (unless...)


I want to thank Brian for scaring the ever lovin' CRAP out of me(!) by doing this post about my creepy stalker! Because of that I had to drink this very delicious pomegranate Mojito. Thanks Brian! I hope you're happy!




  1. Dude!!
    I worked at a raisin ranch once.. .(high school days)

    There's used to be 2 residents i absolutely loved...

    Old guy who consistently whipped out his wonker when someone with breasts arrived...

    and a mean old woman that would literally fling fecal matter at you if she didn't like you.

    Fun times, fun times.

  2. Is it possible the dude confused your bosoms for lollipops?

  3. do old men think they can get away with that crap just because they're old??

  4. It's amazing what old people get away with. It's something to look forward to, I suppose.

    I'm glad you enjoyed your drink. That spider is HORRIBLE...

  5. May they kiss your rings also?

    You get your boobies grabbed and I get a thong from a retiring employee... what is the world coming to?

  6. As a former bartender I remember the times I had to ever so nicely request not to be touched. My favorite time was saying in a calm voice something about knocking their teeth out of their mouth. Maybe in your profession some would frown upon violence but if you spoke quietly enough..........
    I had to jump back from the screen when I saw the picture of the spi... I can't even type it, buy some spray. Some of them you can shoot from 10 feet away.

  7. Ummm...okay...

    My sister works in the front office of a doctors office and there was one 50+ year old guy that would make advances at her and say really inappropriate things when she was taking his co-pay and making his next appointment.

    She reported it and they asked him to find another doctors office.

    So what is it about guys that think they can harrass women in the doctors office?

  8. I can't wait to be an old dude cuase I'll be grabbing boobs and asses of hot chciks and they'll think I'm an old guy who doesn't know what he's doing.

  9. as stated before

    nothing like that ever happens to me.
    Jean-Uh is a respiratory therapist and while she was in school they taught them to thump a penis until it wilts if an old guy exposes his to you.

    thump thump thump thump watch out Dan, you may get one who trained with her.

  10. Oh shit.. fucking bastard patient.


    I like brian.. :)

  11. Ha ha ha. I read all about it on his blog "Dirty Old Man Faking Alzheimers". His grope count is almost up to Arnold Schwarzeneggers!

  12. I think the old man logic is:

    "I don't have much more time on this earth, so why the hell not?"

    I would've hoped this theory would apply to the old ladies driving to the Bingo hall, but alas they all still drive 20 in a 50 zone.

  13. how old do you have to be to start sayin you have alzhemers? think i can fake it? ‡0Ð

  14. Lol ... LOL

    You know he knew exactly what he was doing!

  15. Orion called it a raisin ranch! I almost spit my coffee laughing. I've worked at several and that is the perfect name. Why didn't I think of that?

    I once worked in one "raisin ranch" teehee.. where we had one guy who would see a nurse walking down the hall and say "Hey, you nurse, come here, I want to show you something in my room." I was on to his game though because he started undoing his pants on the way to his room. I immediately thought of something else I had to do.

    The hubs used to have a regular patient who used to grab his ass. It goes both ways if it makes you feel any better.

  16. No lollipops for me?? How about a mojito?


    And I thought it was bad when little old ladies yelled at me for getting their announcements about their senior meetings wrong in the paper.

    At least none of them grabbed my boob. so far.

  18. Oh hey, that must've been fun. I hope you strictly told the guy off for not being hot enough.

    The cheek. No lollipop for him, I take it?

  19. He should be a candidate for the procedure on I'm Sure I Don't Know. And YOU get to attach the clamps!

  20. I used to work at, to borrow a phrase from orion, a raisin ranch. Oh the fun we had. We used to put one old mans pants on backwards because he loved to show off his old soldier. One man used to whip on his weenie and cackle like mad if it so much as stirred.Your boobs were probably the only ones he was close enough to touch. Sometimes you gotta give a pity grope.

  21. Orion!:
    I agree with Tracy! Raisan Farm is hilarious!! I don’t have too much patience for people… can you tell? I would never be able to work with kids or old people. I wouldn’t be mean but I personally couldn’t deal with the stress.

    The nippys you mean? ;op

    I think so. They figure what are you gonna do to me? I already pooped my pants!

    You are ancient now so you could probably get away with it! :op YOU PERSON EVIL!! No, just kidding. maybe.

    No. I don’t like people touching me. Yuck saliva! ;o)

    I normally don’t have to deal with the patient’s and am happily sipping coffee in the business office but there are the rare occasion I could maybe hit them?
    You want me to kill Brian??

    Ha! I shocked ya’ didn’t I?

    Perv. I’m telling your wife!

    Jean knee:
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! thump thump thump! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    I don’t know how you put up with it on a daily basis!

    Why do you always mock me? I thought we were best buds!!

    Yeah, I guess he has no fear of being body slammed!

    Perv. Keep your hands to yourself! Or you know, at least away from other people…

    Yuuuuuup! I have nice boobies.

    WoW! Your hubs is a surgeon right? Tell him to carry a scalpel!

    Nope! I guard my mojitos more than I do the lollis!

    Trust me. If it ever happens to you, you’ll wonder where you wnet wrong! ;o)

    Nope! He got a different kind of treat!

    I’d love to hold the Clamps!

    Ummm I do give pity gropes... it's called a husband. ;op

  22. Man o man I can't wait to use all the things I'm thinking about right now, only to get out of accepting blame with the alzheimer's excuse.

    New reason to grow old :)

  23. HUSBAND!! YOU ARE SO DEAD MEAT!! These are now off limit to you!!

  24. Bless you! I will probably be that man in like 30 years.....

  25. Ha
    Raisin Ranch
    I just now got that.
    There is this thing I have with spi... you know, those eight legged things, if I had one that stalked me, i would have to move or nuke em.

  26. For national blog day on Aug 31 I'm pushing your blog on mine. Get ready for a major influx of readers, at least 5 or 6.

  27. ROFL!!!!
    The only time I've ever had my boobs grabbed was when I was drunk, he was drunk, we were with a group of everybody else who was very drunk, and since this was before I had kids, I actually had boobs to grab.
    These gays my boobs aren't even grabbed by eyes since they don't stick out far enough to be grabable.

  28. These days*
    Sheesh! You'd think I had to much to drink or something!

  29. CM3:
    Hmmm National Blog Day is 8/31?? Ypu mean I can pimp out the blogs I stalk?? Cool! Thanks for letting me know so I can formulate a plan! :o)

    I knew what you meant! :o)
    Hey! I haven't been able to go on your blog! Well, I tried Sunday I think... I'm heading over there now.

  30. Oh. My. God. raisin ranch? HA Ha HA Ha

    No grabby the boobies? Ha HA Ha HA

    I was feeling crappy, not I'm not:)


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