Thursday, May 8, 2008

I am going to have X-Ray screens following me wherever I go so people can see the inner, skinny, Bee.

Soooooooo...
I've been having shoulder pain the last couple of months. Being the complete bad ass I am, I kept thinking pain shmain! I blamed the
Teaspoon/Tablespoon position or ANDY for not letting me sleep in the comfort I deserve by restricting my movements.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore. The pain felt as if gorillas were playing tug of war with my arm. Yeah, it was THAT BAD! I let The Bats talk me into making an appointment with the older semi-retired Orthopaedist in our office.
First he ordered the X-Rays and these were the very important questions I asked while in the darkroom with Scarecrow:
.

*Does the X-Ray machine make me look fat?
*Will this thing cook my eggs?
*Can you see my eggs?
*Do they look like colorful Easter eggs?
*Can you see if my inner child was eaten by my inner bitch giving birth to the demi-goddess I am now?
*What part of that didn't you understand?
*Can you see the remnants of what I ate yesterday?
*Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom?
*So what if you're just x-raying my arm?
*How many fingers am I holding up?
*Are you sure it's not the middle finger?
*Can it see thru my fat?
*Is my funny bone still there?
*Does it look like a banana?
*Is my problem caused by teaspooning?
*Is that thing focusing on my boob?
*What do you mean I'm the worst patient you ever had?


This is the thing that took my picture


I had to stand facing sideways against this wall thingy

Here is my shoulder.

Can you see the Tendinitis Bursitis with a little bit of Arthritis? What do you mean 'No'? It's right there!


Now, besides the big bottle of generic Tums, I had to go buy a big generic bottle of Tylenol Arthritis!! 'Why?' you ask.
Well, it turns out that, as brother Dan put it, my shoulder has lots of mileage! Thanks to many years of being the strongest girl you will ever meet, my rotator cuff has suffered some wear and tear and I will have days when my shoulder cannot support the weight of anything heavier than 15lbs!

The doc said if the Arty meds don't work, he'll give me Vicodin. There's that to look forward to I guess.

Wouldn't you think Andy would be all sympathetic and want to help me in any way possible? Oh noooooooooo, his first reaction was:
"Ha! Now's my chance to beat you at wrestling you one armed mutant!"

Yes, but then I'll get better for another few months and come back to whip his ass!

I can't help but thinking that I never had problems like these when I was 34!

Maybe if you click on Humor-Blogs I'll feel better.

P.S.
I'll be incommunicado Friday and the weekend. If I don't visit your awesome blogs, that's why.
.
P.P.S.
Why oh WHY do they make the bottles for ARTHRITIS medication SO HARD TO OPEN??

Later chivatos!!

23 comments:

  1. Don't feel too bad, my husband has gout. Talk about a disease with a stigma! I'm always joking with him that one of these days I'm going to buy him a monocle and a pocketwatch.

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  2. You didn't make the mistake of trying to open the bottle with your hands, did you? Clearly not a good idea for someone in your condition. You should use your teeth.

    Are you sure there's something they're not telling you about the X-rays? Are your insides supposed to be bright blue?

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  3. Bee-
    Here's what you do. You get the vicodin, take two, then when they are kicked in, kick Andy's ass at arm wrestling.
    They gave me vicodin after I had my gallbladder taken out. I'm a big fan.
    Love
    Tracy

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  4. They do sell wine with easy twist-offs. Combine it with the Vicodin and you won't care about the cheap taste.

    And please visit when you can. I made the top humor posts two days in a row and I didn't have to sleep with anyone, I swear!!!

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  5. Marie:
    Meat eater huh? At least that’s manly! :o)

    Brian:
    I open my water bottles and Corona with my teeth but the lid on that thing was bigger than my mouth UNBELIEVABLE, I know!
    Blue represents my royalty status.

    Tracy:
    If he gets too chippy I’ll kick his ass pain and all! My excuse yesterday and the day before “But babe! What about my arm that has been ripped out of its socket??”

    Meg:
    I’m holding off in asking for Vicodin. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain having lived with 3 brothers and a sister.

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  6. I hear ya. Middle age just sneaks up and slams you. Everything hurts and now I've gone and sounded like the relatives. I'll be talking about Medicaid next. Have a fun weekend!

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  7. You look totally skinny in that picture.

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  8. dont feel too bad little bee! i have tendonitis in my left elbow from baseball that just makes you cooler!

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  9. Well I know how it can be THAT BAD! You could try a version of my back/hip pain medicine, but I fear the onset of carpal tunnel if you did!

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  10. "Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom" Funny
    You didn't explain how you got this.

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  11. Your parts are wearing out. Tell that inner bitch to make some replacements!

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  12. I took Vicodin for one day after a serious rollover accident. I had to quit because I was nursing Melody but oh, I fondly remember the niceties of that 24 hours.

    The commercial shouldn't be Calgon, Take Me Away. No, they should have a Vicodin, Take Me Away ad. It did much more for me than crappy bubble bath ever could.

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  13. I always win the arm wrestling.

    Any thing said to the contrary is a lie.

    And not even a funny lie.

    Don't question my manhood......stoopid gurl

    :P

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  14. I think I saw your boob xray err I mean shoulder xray selling on ebay...

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  15. Hey, vicodin is always a good thing. Torn rotator cuffs...not so much. Take it easy.

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  16. I highly recommend vicodin. Yum-yum, gimmie some!

    I'm taking them for my broken finger. Good luck with your shoulder.

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  17. "Can you tell if I have to go to the bathroom?"

    I have always wondered about that.
    WELL??

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  18. PS: Go on and apologize to Andy for that Teaspoon/Tablespoon conspiracy theory.

    Go ahead.
    ;)

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  19. This post reminded me of this (YouTube)

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  20. I made a comment but blogger ate it. now I don't know what it was



    it was super witty and insightful

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  21. Happy "half birthday", Bee - or whatever they call it when you're exactly 6 months away from being a year older...

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  22. Alice:
    Turning 35 was huge for me. It made me hate people still in their 20s. Just kiddin'!
    maybe.

    Sue:
    Thanks, I was totally holding my breath! ;op

    BD:
    Thanks but I really don't need to get any cooler. :o)

    FADKOG:
    Ha Ha! Too late! ;o)

    Dan:
    Nobody needs to know I have shoulder issues because of my years at working at Brown's Chicken and dumping heavy baskets of food under the heat lamps.
    Shhhhh.

    EWBL:
    She is such a beeyotch she keeps sayin' no.
    Honestly, I don't think I should take 'em for fear I like them a little too much.

    Andy:
    Sure you do babe. Sure you do.
    Just kidding! I need you to open my water bottles for now since my teeth are beginning to hurt.

    VE:
    I would bid on it if I were you, it's gonna be worth millions in a few years.

    Momo:
    Thanks! Only thing that disappoints me is that I won't be able to hold my new niece once she gets passed 15 lbs. Or maybe that's a good thing? :o)

    Bizza:
    Thanks! Ha! Maybe I really should ask the doc for some. They now sound intriguing!

    NCS:
    1- No, not at the moment.
    2- Uh... What do doctor's know. It still might be Andy's fault. ;op
    3- THAT IS SOOO ANDY!!! :o)

    jean knee:
    You are always witty and insightful so I can guess what you said: 'Bee, you are always an inspiration to us all. Living with your pain is just another instance of your awesomeness and good lookingness'
    Thanks jean knee!

    Brain:
    You may have the rest of the people fooled but I know you're mocking me and trying to make me suffer.
    I know.

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  23. Happy Mother's day, Mommie!!

    woof, woof

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.