Saturday, September 13, 2008

Why the f*ck did I wake up in the morning? Oh yeah...

So... I had a late night last night. It involved Mojitos and pomegranate juice and a naughty chat room. No, just kidding. I ran out of pomegranate juice.

Anyway, I went to bed at almost 3 AM, a lot little tipsy past my bed time. Got up at about 6 to um, make sure my head was still where it should be, went back to sleep and at about 9 AM my momma called me to tell me her place was flooded thanks to the massive downpour of Friday night and Saturday morning.

At first I thought I was having alcohol induced hallucinations:

But then the Easter Bunny came and kicked me in the ass and said "Yo' beeyotch! You ain't trippin' this shit is fo' reals!" Gah! I never knew the Easter Bunny could be such a ghetto asshole but there you have it.

It got worse in an hour's time.

My mommy's beautiful bathroom. What you don't see are 2 steps leading up to her spectacular jacuzzi tub.

So yeah. They are expecting The Des Plaines River to crest (that's when it's at its biggest)(and runs amongst the city folk)(to piss in our eye sockets) at 1:00 AM CST Sunday morning.

Picture taken by Andy at approximately 11:00 AM.

What this means is, no sleepy for me because I and the hubs and the moms live ONE BLOCK AND A HALF AWAY FROM THE RIVER. Normally, I know you'd be jealous because I can launch my canoe (if I had a canoe) into the river and pretend I'm Pocahontas (only cuter) right now I know you feel relief that you are not the ones about to float away into oblivion.

Do me a favor okay? If you see a short woman hanging on to a little brown dog with a bag full of shoes on her back, can you pull her out of the water? It might be me.

Anyway, here are the positives.

We still have Internet and cable. We were lucky to have my brothers, SIL and neighbors who are cooler than iced mojitos. We have each other and our health. Well, I did get a spider bite which I hope doesn't get infected because it's throbbing and looking mighty gooey (pizza anyone?).
In the midst of all that bullshit, I was awarded with another award for being the brilliant person I am! It was awarded to me not only once, but TWICE in one day! How rock n' roll am I?

Thanks to John J. Savo The Authoring Auctioneer and Ettarose! John has written a terrific novel and Ettarose is me in another city (lucky other city).

The rules is to pass it on to seven wives for seven brothers but I'm not a rule follower so I'm going to give it to Tracy, Leigh, Brian (who won't take it because he is way too humble and prefers penguins), Humorsmith and Larissa because she is a Musician Mom.

To end this, I just want to let y'all know that if I'm not swinging by your place, like the crazy spider monkey I am, it's cuz I might be glub-glubbing under water. Peace be with you and pray this situation goes away for me soon 'kay?

Also, if you guys see that fucken asshole douche bag of Noah and his lame ass ark, tell him I 'm looking for him so I can kick his ass!


Bee serious.

My heart and sympathy goes out to the IKE victims. :o(


  1. :O(

    That sucks big time, I am sending good thoughts your way and I have my industrial strength life raft handy if you need it.

    Just holla.

  2. Well, honey... if you wind up having to swim for safety, just head a bit north. I'll grab you from the shores up HERE at the Des Plaines...

    Luckily, we're further than you are from it... but out yard looks like Greyson's version of *Heaven on Earth* because he could jump right in and be the fish he thinks he is.

    But seriously? OY. I feel your pain. When all the snow melted (and then it rained here for like, DAYS ON END?) - our bedroom and closet were swampland - and our boxspring sits on the FLOOR.

    Needless to say, we had to have a family campground in the livingroom (on 3 separate occasions!) for about a week at a time, until I FINALLY was able to seal the hell out of the offending basement well-window that the GLORIOUS builders of this house decided should be made non-accessible from the outside by covering it with 18-ton patio stones.

    Okay, more like 17-ton. =P

    You know, you might be able to snag some inflatable rafts and such on MONDO clearance at your friendly massmart and just grab a few treebranches to paddle your way to me.

    I'll make Mojitos. I promise. =D

    And as you are... I feel for the enormous amount of multiplying to our situations that the Ike victims are going through... =(

  3. Wow. That sucks the big one. I hope everything works out. Stay safe.

  4. Seeing as you don't have a canoe , and Noah - that ungrateful bastard has gone off to pick up some marmots, - perhaps you can try to evolve gills? It could be your only answer.

  5. Your in my thoughts, sugar.

    Get that bite looked at. Make sure it's not a Brown Recluse Spider.

  6. I dunno, seems to me this grave situation has become your funniest blog post yet! So many great lines, especially the one about Noah oh, and the bag full of shoes for krist's sake. But that aside, sure hope you stay safe and dry. You know you have to update us.

  7. Put the shoes, dogs and Andy on the top floor, the hell with the rest. wait,grab the mojitos too

  8. I'm so sorry to hear that! Hope it all works out okay, don't take any silly chances to look after your shoes (unless they're the REALLY nice ones) and look after yourself.

  9. Gah, Bee!

    Be careful! I'll be thinking of you all and hoping for the best, but definitely, all of you be careful!

  10. Sending good, DRY, energy your way! Love your blog!

  11. Glad mommy is staying dry on the 3rd floor. I'm pray for the rain to stop for ya! I'm there if ya need a bail out crew.

  12. Bee,
    I think that all of you should pack up all of your things, especially your shoes, and come stay with me at Rambling Acres until the water goes away! I'm serious! I don't know what I'd do without you if you were to go floatin away!
    Oh and if I should happen to see you floating by I promise to atleast grab your shoes. :)

    Seriously, please be safe! Oh and go get that spider bite checked out! Trust me, I was once a nurse before all of the kids sucked up my braincells and you know, the hubs is a doc. Get it checked out.

    Oh and thank you for the award!
    Now be safe!

  13. Seriously, get it checked out. You could always get it checked out by the hubs when you get here.
    Be safe!

    Man, that sucks.

    I was watching the news this morning and I'm all like "Chicago? Hmmm, I bet Bee is not seeing any of this. I bet."


  15. Oh honey, your house.

    I'd come help you clean up and wouldn't even ask you to take me to the two zoos...You think the animals are ok?

  16. Thanks everybody! We're lucky that the weather is cool not sweltering which would make me one meano Bee.

    As always you make me laugh!

  17. Holy crap.... take care. Hope this are on the mend now.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.