Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Do you know people that when they talk to you they have to be all up in your bidzzness?!

If I take a step back they take a step forward. First I thought it might be a magnet under my desk but since this happens to me outside of work too, it must be my... magnetic personality.

I always go around saying how anti-social I am but maybe I'm in denial? What do you think?

Anyway, I always stand as far away from people as I can. If I can get away with leaving a "post it" note to avoid one on one interaction then I'm happy.

Unfortunately, I know about seven Space Invaders (SI). They come from all walks of life and I happen to have married one (don't worry, he knows).

Things I have done to repel them: (and by them I don't mean Andy... nothing works with Andy, I've even told him that when I say "prickly pear" it means I need space but then he just hugs me... huh?)

1) Eating garlicky stuff. Then when I talk to them I thhhalk lhhhike thhhhis (over pronouncing or adding an "H"). It doesn't work! They always walk away saying 'Hmm, I'm hungry!'
Yeah, people are GROSS!

2) Talking like Daffy Duck and spitting when I speak (don't judge me, I always aim for their shirt, there's nothing worse than getting it on their face!) Doesn't work! They always walk away saying. 'I'm thirsty!' See what I have to deal with?
3) Bobbing my head forward every once in a while almost bashing them in the chin (I'm short, I wish I could reach their nose! Although sometimes in my 4 inch heels I can reach it.) Doesn't work they always walk away saying 'You are a very animated speaker!'

4) So then I tried over pronouncing one word loudly (you know like Chandler from Friend's my favorite TV show in the whole wide world! When it ended I had the difficult task to find some real friends... nobody has replied to my want ads! Maybe I should remove the stipulation that they have to be rich and buy me stuff... what the hell was I talking about?! Right!) this didn't work either! For some reason they thought it was funny! Jerks!

5) Swinging my arms wildly, for some reason they start doing it too...? Monkeys!

Last but not least

6) If they ask me a question I give them the wrong answer, for example:

SI:'What color is your car?'

Awesome Bee: 'I LOVE STRAWBERRIES!' (It's blue by the way, I'm not and idiot)

SI: 'No, what color is your car?'

[you have to tough it out cuz they will step even closer before you get the desired results]

Awesome Bee: 'There's some in the kitchen?'

SI: 'No, I'm asking you what color your car is not what fruit you like...'

Awesome Bee: 'Are you gonna get some?'

SI: 'Some what?'

Awesome Bee: 'Thanks!' [big empty stare followed by a smile]

SI: 'No, I... never mind!' [walking off upset]

As they're walking away I call out: 'BLUE!'

They look at me in confusion but don't come back right away.
I did #6 to Scarecrow about a couple of months ago because she kept telling me about some baseball thing she glued to her mini-van's window. She thought she parked next to me so that I could see it when I left... who cares right?

This is effective but it takes too long and like fish, they forget and do it again the next time they see you... now I'm tired.

So I'm wondering if my next experiment should be to not use deodorant...? The only problem with that is, right now it's super hot here (maybe it would make my plan work better...?)! I'm out of ideas and I usually can come up with at least 10 to torture people.

Did I trick you into thinking this was about video games? HA! Got ya!

I'm gonna change my profession to:

Bee, Professional People Messer with (or whatever)
By show of hands, how many people out there feel sorry for my co-workers/family/friends/people I know? Once you have voted make sure you leave your name and address so that I can come thank you personally.

I just noticed upon editing I used allot of exclamation marks but I was in an exclaiming mood!!!!!!


  1. Re Show of hands: Both hands raised. (nose typing is useful)

    Learn to juggle - with swords. I was going to say whilst riding a unicycle, but that would just be silly...

  2. brian:
    I notice you did not give your address so that I may thank you in person for being sympathetic to the people I torture on a daily basis... did you forget??? I promise no harm has come to those people who appose me.

    RE: Juggling good idea. I would even do it while on a unicycle then I would have the added bonus of running over people's feet "accidentally".

  3. I can't raise my hands. I really don't feel sorry for them, as I am someone who likes my space, too.

    However, if raising my hands means that I can meet you in person...I will totally fend for the other side ;-)

    The only idea I can suggest is carrying a very stinky poopy diaper with you. Always seems to help repel :-)

  4. I'm not a hugger. There's nothing more awkward for me than that unexpected hug from someone you barely know and it forces me to stand there like a paralyzed octopus.....appendages limp at my side.

    Ha! I totally spit a lot when I talk and its not deliberate, either. For that reason, I need my own conversation cubicle. You and I should make and manufacture something like that....a partition thingie to block out the intrusive SI.

  5. Re Torture: I'm very grateful to whoever decided to build Illinois and England on opposite sides of a large ocean...

  6. chris:
    :o) RE: you wanting to meet me in person
    It’s what you say now but then you’ll be telling people how you met an obnoxious know-it-all who’s addicted to people bashing with no mercy for the elderly… :op

    Just kidding! Underneath this tough exterior is a heart filled with compassion, good will to mankind, environmentalist, rescuer of cats from trees…

    Who am I trying to fool?

    Me too I hate hugs!
    And what’s up with the whole French kiss thing (not to be confused with French kissing) where they kiss you once on each cheek. My little bro introduced me to his girlfriend and she leaned in for the double smooch! He told me later ‘You should have seen the look of horror on your face! You even pulled back a little’ I said ‘Hell yeah, I don’t know where those lips have been!’

    I’m in for the inventing but don’t tell Brian cuz he steals ideas…

    Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
    Nuff said!

  7. People should stand back and that's that. I'm not a hugger but married a guy whose family hugs all over the darn place , and there are a jillion of them. Yeah I stand in the octopus position too. help

  8. just looked at your profile.
    My hubs is from Chicago too. maybe its a windy city thing to hunker too closely

  9. jean knee:
    maybe it is a Chicago thing, cuz it's cold and all. Maybe I should to Arizona...? Figure the heat might make me people keep their distance!


  11. Hey there you 'People Messer Uppper!!' I cannot stand Space Invaders...especially when I'm paying at a register...OMG!!! I often tell people who are standing too close when i am paying "Unless you are volunteering to pay for my shizz, take at least 3 steps back" It always works...

    I have the perfect solution Bee. GIVE THEM A COPY OF THIS POST!!

  12. somegirl!!!
    good idea! maybe if I make them hate me... :o)
    As hard as I try people don't hate me I don't know why...?
    As much as I mess with them they keep coming back!
    You know what I'm seriously going to do that! I'll semi-edit it and say, 'look what I found isn't it interesting' and put it in the kitchen...
    Thanks for sharing your Margarita! :op


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.