The post where I declare I'll be back after Thanksgiving Thursday, Black Friday, Polka Dot (Hi jean knee!) Saturday and Blue Sunday.

Yep. The title says it all!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My sister's FAMOUS Green Bean casserole

P.S.
I'm feeling better, my cough is almost gone. My brain is back to full capacity which means I can add 7+9 without the use of a calculator. Okay, maybe not that high of numbers maybe uh 3+7 (TEN!) which means I will actually be posting and not just giving you a boring account of my cleaning habits fascinating as they may be. Probably.

Stay tuned for a Bee's Musings (I was typing this at work so I abbreviated my blog name to "BM" in case this post fell into the wrong hands and that's when I realized BM is what we most commonly refer to our bowel movements so now that will be my motto "Bee's Musings, it keeps you regular!") style Cribs (Brian, Cribs is an MTV show where famous musicians, actors and athletes feature their homes and say stuff like "this is where the magic happens!" when referring to their bedroom)(Brian, MTV is a channel for "young" people and it used to stand for MUSIC Television where they featured music videos but now, not so young people, like me, watch it and the only time they'll  show a music video is after a show like Cribs ends and then it's only a 30 second snippet)(Brian, a music video is-- Just kidding, Brian!) where I take advantage of my house being clean to show you a glimpse into the chaos.

Confused? Have a cocktail (or 10) and everything will make sense.

Who had an awesome time on vacation? I did! I did! And probably Andy.

So, as you all know, my Long Lost Friend came for a visit. We picked her up at O'Hare and of course Andy slept while we waited.

She brought her two adorable little kids who were perfect little guests.

We only had 3 full days to take advantage of the awesomeness that is Chicago so we tried to pack in as much fun as we could. Lucky for us, the weather (and Andy) behaved.

On Saturday we hit one of my favorite spots, The Chicago Botanic Gardens.

What? You think that just because I go there every weekend I’m lame and therefore should have taken her somewhere else? Hey man! I also gave her a tour of the Jiffy Lube where my car gets its oil changed, Citgo where my car gets gas and Arkham Asylum where I get my oil changed and get gas so I think her sightseeing experience was all it could be and more! Maybe.

On Sunday we went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and Oz Park (where Andy and I watched her 2 year old son while she took her 11 year old daughter in search of a flushable potty and then her son almost gave me a heart attack because I thought he had escaped the play area via THE WIDE OPEN GATE ON THE OPOSITE END so then Andy and I had to remain as sentries at the 2 entrances until his mommy came back)(don't worry, he has no idea I aged 20 years). The zoo was pretty cool, no polar bears though which was a little disappointing. Here, I took some pictures of gorillas for you guys:

(what the hell are those rhinos doing in the Gorilla cage??)

It's like you were there, right?

On our way back home, we drove by Big Willy, formerly known as The Sears Tower, and other landmark skyscrapers all up close and personal-like. My city is truly magnifico!

We then had a little bonfire that night and reminisced about old times. As I told you yesterday, I was attacked by a swarm of spiders (spiders swarm too, right?) when I went to get some firewood. Very ouchie.

On Monday we went to the Shedd Aquarium but before going in, we took a water taxi to Navy Pier. I wish we would have done it in reverse because the Shedd closes at 6 so we didn’t have a chance to enjoy much of the Pier before having to make our way back. Still, it was a nice little view of the Chicago Skyline.

I had to stop Andy from jumping overboard. He was saying he wanted to play with the dolphins. I had to remind him they’re in Miami.

On our way to dinner, we stopped outside of Harpo Studios because my LLF is a huge Oprah fan. Unfortunately, there were no Oprah sightings. Not even at the nearest Dunkin Donuts... kidding.

To conclude our visit, on Tuesday we went to a water park near my home before they were scheduled to leave for the airport. Andy didn’t join us though because he didn’t want to see all those hot women in bikinis. A model husband is what he is. His compliments to me this weekend were as follows:

“ooh! That sunburn is looking purple! Is that normal?” –No, I would say purple skin tone is borderline 3rd degree burns.

“You know what the problem is, you sit weird so your shirt gaps at an angle. That’s why your sunburn isn’t symmetrical” – So should I have just gone around flashing innocent bystanders?

“Your face is all shiney.” – It’s called sweat, dear.

Anyway, I have to admit I thought our reunion might be a little awkward but it wasn’t at all. It was almost as if our lack of contact was only the length of one summer. She had some great memories of our childhood/early teen years and was able to fill in some memory gaps I had. We were also able to catch up on our current ventures, she has 2 kids a husband, is a teacher of school teachers, I have 2 dogs, an Andy, nutter coworkers and no life.

I'm glad she contacted me and we were able resume our friendship. I hope she enjoyed her visit and I thank her because it allowed Andy and I to enjoy Chicago again so we felt like we went somewhere too.

I did subject her to an interview which I will post next week but for now, this is a picture of a crackhead rhino-turtle. Can you see the turtle, little Jimmy?

Announcement!

Our Sunday Comic comes back this Sunday with the conclusion of "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Last resort babysitters.

Thank you and please come again!

Brian’s fear of spiders is justified plus stuffing my drawers.

So, did you miss me? Maybe you didn’t even notice I was gone? Niiiice thanks a lot people!

Anyway, more on my vacation later.

Andy holding Big Willy formerly known as The Sears Tower:

Today I’d like to say that I am now on the “Spiders-are-evil-emissaries-of-death!” bandwagon.

My Long Lost Friend and I were enjoying a nice little bonfire on Sunday night. There was a nice breeze, it wasn't too cold or too warm, the memories were flowing- minus the booze...

When the fire started dying down, I got up and went to get some homemade firewood (homemade firewood is wood you grow yourself and then mother nature comes along and decides to rip your wood plants in half) that we had stacked near our fence. It was dark, I couldn’t see very well so I blindly sifted through the wood pile looking for some nice thick pieces.

In that small amount of time, I was apparently being scaled like Mount Everest by ninja spiders because I have about 7 large spider bites on my legs, toes and feet.

Since things in my life can’t ever be of the normal variety, these spider bites are currently bubbling up and a resembling the alps.I get hotter and hotter every day.

I really wish I was exaggerating.

For all you know, these paragraphs may be the last thing I write before foaming at the mouth and going into seizures that will have me biting off my head, or worse, buying a jumpsuit.

It’s funny because, after all the gardening I’ve done over the years, I have never been attacked by the spider militia. Mosquitos, bees, squirrels, angry parents, those I'm used to but not spiders.

Then I went on Bad Spider Bites and talk about scaring the ever lovin crap out of myself! ::shiver!::

Okay I'm going to change the subject now.

I returned to the Asylum today and everybody seemed super happy to see me. That was such a weird feeling. Kind of a cross between drinking warm cider and vinegar. Anyway, later in the day, I got a little hungry. I opened my drawer to pull out the bag of Cheetos I keep in case of emergencies imagine my surprise when it wasn't there.

I asked around but nobody admitted to ransacking my snack drawer. I went to Glynda and asked her too, just in case. Her response "Let me ask OZ. He sometimes snoops in people's drawers" she came back later with $2.

OZ ATE MY CHEETOS!

What kind of mean MOFO does that? Seriously! I can't leave for 2 days without people taking my stuff. I'm gonna load my drawers with tampons and douches... not that I have a problem, okay? I'm just thinking that'll keep him outta my drawers.

Well that's about it- OH YEAH! For those of you who follow So You Think You Can Dance, if freakin Kayla/Shayla/Layla whatever the hell her name is doesn't get booted off this week I am going to have a fit! She should have been gone last week but nobody can seem to see her clumsy flopping around the floor when she does her solos. I need to hurry up and finish my mind control machine.

Glass half full?

So I know I'm supposed to do reruns but then I read back on my shi-stuff and I'm too embarrassed to repost such lameness soooooooo...

We went to the zoo on Sunday whereupon we saw this sign.

The way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people. Those that think.

"Holy crap! I guess my sex life could be worse!"

or

"Dammit! Even hippos are having more fun than I am!"

 

Which are you?

Rerun numero UNO. "What I need is hazard pay for all the purple nurples!"

-original date, Monday, August 25, 2008

What I need is hazard pay for all the purple nurples!

So…
Glynda’s on vaca until Thursday, which is just as well since she and I had an issue over the brain dead assistant. Here is a brief synopsis: OZ wanted a report on what she had accomplished. I typed it up and left nothing out. HE went berserk and tore Glynda a new one, before my very eyes, for not firing her! More on her on Friday.

Anyway, she’s the only nurse on Mondays so Scarecrow needed help with an older patient who has Alzheimer’s.

I volunteered like so:
“Ask Milton. Oh, she's in the bathroom? Where’s Tin-Man? The hospital making rounds? Crap! Okay.”
She needed help putting him on the X-Ray table so I helped. Then she asked me to fix his pillow. So I did.
And do you know what that DIRTY OLD BASTARD DID???
.
He. Grabbed. My. Boobs!!!!

You know, the ones I took off the market when I married Andy? Those!

SWEET HOLY FAMILY!

I almost died of shock right there! Only I controlled myself because my tender pechugas would have landed on his face. That's okay, he thinks OZ charges a lot, wait till he gets MY bill!

So now we have to amend Bee’s Rules for patients.

1) I will not watch your kid if you’re coming in for an exam. You can lock him/her in one of our closets.

2) I will not take your co-pay. Wait for the receptionist to come back from her pee break since I can't handle the pressure of putting a 20 into an envelope.

3) I will not get you a cup off coffee (the fuck??). I’m not your servant. If you ask me for one, you will see mild mannered ME turn into Red Face Spittle Woman!

4) I will not give you a lollipop if you are over 18. (unless you are a really hot guy)(hey, these are my rules and I can make any exceptions I want!) I will ask for ID (if you're hot I might linger in the bushes outside of your house). Don't use the excuse of having bad breath either because you can always carry mints.

5) Do not talk to me while we are passing each other in the hallway. You are a patient therefore beneath me.
And the new added rule:

6) You cannot grab my boobs! No! Bad! No grabby boobies! No! (unless you are a really hot guy)
You can, however, ogle me from afar. Maybe bring me some presents. I wouldn’t object to that.
.
HEY! Watch your hands! You can't grab my butt either! (unless...)

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I want to thank Brian for scaring the ever lovin' CRAP out of me(!) by doing this post about my creepy stalker! Because of that I had to drink this very delicious pomegranate Mojito. Thanks Brian! I hope you're happy!

So hello there! Did you miss me? I had a great time on my mini break, thanks for asking!

I know you’re probably dying to know what crazy high jinks we’ve got into but we had a pretty tame weekend so no juicy news for you!

Okay, I'll tell you about it anyway...

On Friday I continued with my landscaping and grub killing extravaganza. I am now the meanest, shortest, smelliest grub killer in the Midwest. Also, my sister took this picture of a bird taking a crap in my frog planter. To the bird I ask, "what the hell bird? the whole world is your toilet but you chose my freakin frog? asshat!"

Damn thing even turned away pretending to be embarrassed.

That reminds me of an old joke my uncle Curly used to tell me. He said that when he was out in rural farms delivering The Coca Cola and he needed to go, um, poopsie, he would go in a field, drop his pants and close his eyes. When I would ask why he closed his eyes he'd say "So anybody driving by wouldn't see me going poopsie" and when I would question that logic he would reply "if I can't see them, they can't see me!" Yeah, pretty much my whole family is weird.

On Saturday, at the BCD (butt crack of dawn), we went to the laundromat and I threw the mother of all tantrums because the machines were all being assholes! We then moved my momma and she is now officially on a separate floor which means all toys that belong to people under the age of 30 have been relocated and now my house doesn’t look like the McDonald’s play area.

On Sunday we took our one day vacation (because there is no budget this year for going anywhere exciting… sorry Wisconsin) and went to my in-laws’ campground where we all fell asleep in front of the TV and probably snored in unison.

On Monday I cleaned my house and rid it of all the construction dust that had accumulated because my logic was “what’s the point in cleaning today if it’ll look the same tomorrow” (you may recognize that logic if you have teens/preteens/husbands) from top to bottom then went to see Angels and Demons so that I may rest my old decrepit bones.

And now you’re jealous because my life is much more exciting than yours. What can I say? Not everybody can be this cool.

I enjoyed every last drop of this Holiday weekend and today was crashing about the office because I’d forgotten how to walk around walls. My only consolation is that we are already on Tuesday and it’ll be the weekend in no time. Hopefully.

I just heard it will rain until tomorrow night. I'm glad because we've obviously NOT had enough rain.

P.S.

To Brian and jean knee who thought something catastrophic had happened to me like pig flu or death, thanks guys! You always know how to brighten my day! Jerks.

P.P.S.

Does anybody watch Jon and Kate + 8? (For those of you who have lives and have no idea who they are, they are a young couple who over fertilized themselves and had 8 kids. They have been on TV for about 4 years or so.) I can’t explain why but I’ve become obsessed with the Jon and Kate Gosselin drama. Will they stay together? Will they get a divorce? They went from looking like they loved each other to hating each other in the blink of an eye. I really hope they pull it together because I’m running out of shows to watch.

All I wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom.*

Bee's Musings and the muppet brain behind it will be out of the blogosphere for the weekend.

She will be busy reading out loud and cursing [shakes fist in the air!] her dixlicksick brain because she has to re-read a page more than once. What will she be reading?


Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
As you can see, the book is YOUGE (753 pages)! She managed to read all 3 previous books in one weekend so this one should be a piece of cheesecake.

Why is she starting it so late since the rest of the world read their book last weekend?
Well, she was halfway to Border's on Friday night, when Scarlett received an e-mail from Amazon saying her order had shipped.

The order she had placed months ago and forgot. So she had to wait and wait and wait and waaaaaaait until now to be able to read it. They delivered it on Monday DAMAGED BY THE WAY!!!! (fuckers!) but she knew if she started it, she wouldn't sleep until it was finished and she'd be going to work with stank breath and greasy hair. Sooooo...

At this moment, you are asking yourself 3 things.

1) Why does she always take pictures of things near her terrarium?

Well, that is the only place with proper lighting since she has a special bulb to make her cacti flourish. Yes, she's married to an electrician but he'd rather be a carpenter/plumber/hot-pants-wearer so he keeps her in flashlights.

2) Why should we care if she is going to be away from a computer the whole weekend?

Who else will harass you for free other than your mother?

3) Why is she speaking in the third person?

She doesn't know but it makes her feel giggly in her tummy.

Now get outta here!

P.S.
Don't worry, I'll try to eat something sos I don't pass out!
Oops I broke character whatever! It's hard! I don't know how Rickey does it!

P.P.S.
I will also try to go to a movie. I think Mama Mia has avoided me long enough!

P.P.P.S.
FADKOG, behave yourself while I'm away. No mocking my literary taste in literary stuff. Literary.

One more.

P.P.P.P.S.
Anybody who watched So You Think You Can Dance, did you want to get up and dance along with them? Or was it just me? Anybody? Dan??? I'd tryout next year but um, my shoulder hurts.
HI TRACY!!!!
Humor-Blogs

*

Till Next Week!

I will be on vacation be sure to click on The Dramatic Chipmunk below cuz it's hilarious!