Tuesday, July 14, 2009

If she bends over, you'll know what year she was born. Also, see a duck mooning the crowd.

We went to the Laundromat again on Monday. I think we all know how much I detest that place. Every time we go, something happens that infuriates me!

This time it was a stupid washer that didn’t let me select any other cycle other than ‘woolens’. Normally I would have just taken my clothes out and found one that had its entire workable buttons but the ones that weren’t being used, had little out of orders signs. I decided to just leave it there, what could go wrong?

Well, it turns out that the soap compartment wasn’t working properly and so my clothes received the same cleaning my uncle Ricardo gave himself when he was 10 and he pretended to shower by wetting the top of his head but not bothering to remove the dirt stains from his face.

The options were to rewash them which would mean spending more time in the demon’s armpit or just dry them and call it a day. My uncle Ricardo would be proud.

Next up, a lady set her basket on my table. Some of you may remember the near nervous breakdown that caused the last time. This time I remained calm (as calm as a teeny tiny raft on a raging river), cool (as cool as a walrus in a sauna) and collected (as collected as the hippo stamp)(I don’t know what that means either but I couldn’t come up with anything anti-collected). I decided not to say anything until it was time for me to use the table. When her husband went to move the basket without me having to say anything, I heard her say “leave the basket there”

It. Was. ON!

Unfortunately, she left the L’mat (that's what we cool non washer having people call it) to have dinner while her clothes were in the wash so she didn’t see me grab her basket and throw it on a washer. I told Andy “Don’t worry babe. If she comes in here and says something, I’ll take her outside!” but my Andy, being the kind hearted person he is said “uh Bee? She and her husband are both bigger than we are…” so I told my man he could wait in the car while I took care of them both.

I really thought she'd say something when she came back because she was also a Latina and I know I would have said something but she didn’t. She must be one of those higher plane people with normal blood pressure I keep hearing about.

Things at work are a little better since OZ is on vacation yet again. Boy, the economy hasn’t hit that dude one bit! Anyway, he still has peculiar requests when he calls. His most recent one was odd even for him. He wants me to Google ‘why we should send a refund to an insurance company’. When I asked if I may just CALL the insurance company themselves and ask them directly why they’re requesting the refund:

“No! JUST GOOGLE IT! I want a full report when I come back on Monday!”

Um okay? While I have my googler out I will also ask “why does my boss think google is a magic 8 ball?”

That man cracks me up. He cracks me up like a baseball bat to the head cracks me up.

We took my mom and Natalia to the Botanic Gardens on Sunday and while Natalia, my mom and Andy tanned, the sun left its mark on my scalp, chest, arms and feet the way a soccer ball did to my thighs when I tried to stop a goal (what a fun memory! The imprint of a half moon on each thigh was an awesome thing to explain to people). I remember being able to tan just by standing near a window now I have to cover up like I’m 106.

I love going to the gardens. I was happy to see that a lot of the plants/flowers they planted are the same ones I’m trying to encourage to grow in my garden. Sadly, mine got too much water earlier this year so they’re struggling but I’m hoping they come back healthier next year.

Of course, plants aren’t the only things you see at the botanic gardens.

duckbutt duckbutt2

There was also a woman in a sheer maxi-mini dress in 5 inch platform stripper shoes. I didn’t take a picture of her, even though I could have, because I worry about the content I put on this here blog. I certainly do not want to corrupt/offend anyone with delicate sensibilities so instead I drew a picture of her.

skank censored for your protection.

Yeah I know! Ewwwww!

So anyway, later alligators.


  1. I feel ya' on the laundromat. My apt. complex has 12 units and ONE washer and dryer! And someone still has the audacity to leave their clothes in the washer "soaking" (i.e. holding the washer hostage until she gets back from running her errands), on the weekends no less... sooooo needless to say I just go to the local laundromat, not that, THAT'S any better. Sheesh!

  2. Oh my God, that woman you drew was SOOO gross! And remind me to never even BE in the laundromat at the same time as you cuz I need all my eyes and all my ears. In fact, come to think of it, I need pretty much everything.

    Oh! And cute duck butts!

  3. Laundrettes are unpleasant, which is why in the past generations of women washed their clothes in rivers.

    I'm not sure I understand all those fashion terms you used to describe that woman you saw at the botanic gardens. Since you're offering a search service, perhaps you could google "sheer mini maxi dress stipper shoes" for me and give me a full report? Don't worry about fancy prose, pictures will probably be fine.

    Come to think of it, you could also use some of them to brighten up Oz's report. If you explain that google always produces pictures of strippers, he might be tempted to do it himself next time.

  4. Now I feel bad. I have a state of the art washer/dryer just sitting in my wash room and I still don't do the laundry!

  5. It's amazing how one can find employment opportunities on the Web. Box up your laundry and send it to me. I'll wash, dry, and fold and send back to you. All for only $999.

    That's right. Jut $999 per load.

    But wait. There's more. I'll throw in a specialty scent of your choice for only $1.99.

    Offer expires in.....

    Anyway, you must tell Andy to photograph any girl fights at the laundromat!

    Love the duckies!

  6. what a slut, I'm glad you didn't take her photo.

    quit showing off your video uploading capabilities

  7. Bee, I give you official permission to put up material that will corrupt me.

  8. Girl, I have to give you mad credit for handling the L'mat!

  9. What exactly is the deal with stripper shoes in broad daylight and with short dresses, no less? I saw that get up Sunday afternoon at a shopping center. I don't get it.

  10. you should put tazz in her laundry basket!

  11. I do NOT miss my laundromat days. Once, I left for just a few minutes and someone stole all of my panties and threw THEIR nasty panties back in with all my clothes. Ack.

  12. i love your laundromat, or at least i love reading about you venturing to the laundromat...

    so, what the hell is wrong with that lady's leg exactly??? Polio as a child?

  13. Obviously the poor woman couldn't see herself in the mirror when she left the house that day, she's cross-eyed. I think everyone's being to hard on her.

  14. I just keep buying new underwear. I swear I hve 200 pair and more sheets and towels than a department store. Anything to avoid the laundry.

  15. I've seen some of the best fights in laundromats. Gunplay, too. People take their delicates really seriously. Is the drawing to scale? If so and those are 5 inch platforms, that chick was ginormous. I was way more offended by that duck mooning me than some gigantic she babe with wardrobe indiscretion.

  16. AD:
    I can;t wait until our laundry room is finished and we can go back to our normal life.

    She was gross! I think that's why men kept staring at her. ;o)

    It always sounds so nice and sophisticated when you say "launderette".

    JACKI!!!! (:'o{

    Okay but Andy's socks are pretty stinky. They might gas the mailman.

    jean knee:
    Hmmphp! What happened to my step by step instructions?

    Cheeky devil!

    Whatever dude.

    I was itchin for a fight!

    The gardens are extensive so I can't see how she would have been comfortable walking in those shoes.

    Great Idea!



    I think her leg was broken by a short woman.

    Yep. I feel bad for her too.

    Great idea!

    L aka J:
    I'll make sure to film my bralw.