Things that make me go Hmmmmmm...

I was watching the news last night and they were talking some nonsense about women and menopause (not that menopause is nonsense and I know that when it's my lucky time to GO THRU THE CHANGE I will be all whiny and bitchy and moany and... hey! maybe that's what I've been training for my whole life!).
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I wasn't paying attention because the knitting needles in my ears were distracting me but I found something interesting in the way the news cameras focused on the women in their report.
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When they talk about obesity, they show people's butts, their bellies, their arms but never their faces. This is understandable since they'd face lawsuits from irate chubby peeps.
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When they talk about teenagers smoking or teenagers having sex or whatever else teenagers do that makes me want to stock up on all sorts of birth control, they show them sitting in parks with their backpacks or messenger bags just chillin' never their faces because they're minors.
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When they showed the women regarding menopause? THEY SHOWED THEIR FEET!
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THEIR. FEET.
Sometimes you'd get a flash of knee so you knew the feet were attached to something but what the hell is that about???
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Granted, I wouldn't want crotch shots of random women but what is the purpose of showing their feet?
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As far as I'm concerned, this does not represent menopausal women. This represents their lack of fashion sense and unfortunate choices in picking out shoes but I can't really tell if the woman they just showed is 18 or 55.
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Don't ask me what the menopausal thing was about because I was too busy bitching about the county tax that goes into effect toDAY. Freakin' governMENTAL bastards!
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Luckily, I only live a few miles from another county so take that you butt munchers!
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What the fuck is an Environmental Chemist?? Are we just making up titles now??
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Before you tell me what it is, this guy they interviewed was talking about a hawk's nest they found on some billboard.
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Overheated billboard worker #1:
"Harry! I just found a Hawk's nest on the new Gentleman's Club billboard! It's just beneath the hoochies left tata!"
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Overheated billboard worker #2:
"Don't touch it Ron! We MUST call the Environmental Chemist! He'll know what to do!"
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Environmental Chemist:
"Don't move it!"
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The end.
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I can do that shit!

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My last question:
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Who is stupid enough to text while driving??
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Do you want to die? Why on earth would someone think,
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"I know driving requires me to keep my eyes on the road but I'm sure I"ll be okay if I look away for a couple of minutes to let Donna know I'm running a little late and not to wear that green shirt that makes her look like she's gonna hurl."
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Minutes later...
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"What the...! When did that tree sprout up in front of me??"
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My prayer is that there is always a tree to stop you and not some poor unsuspecting victim that uses common sense while driving, walking, living!
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::sigh::
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Maybe I shouldn't semi-watch the news. (DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE GUY WHO BOUGHT PUFFER FISH VENOM!)
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I should just go over to Humor-Blogs and get some laughs.
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P.S.
If there are any governMENTALS reading this, I didn't mean you. I meant the governMENTALS in war torn countries. Not you. You know exactly what we need! A good stick in the ass benefits everybody!
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P.P.S.
This post was brought to you with ZERO amounts of coffee. I'm going to get it now, want some?

Can I hire TWO hotties??

After my Friday boxing match meeting with OZ, (where he wondered why certain accounts are not being worked on and I responded by saying that the cloning machine was defective, it did not produce 20 Bees like I had hoped but it did clear up my complexion) he has now given me authorization to hire my summer assistant.

At first, I was a little upset because this would mean I’d have to dedicate valuable time to training a newbie in the art of Office Bat Mocking… I just don’t have the energy for it.

Then, I became angry because it would totally cut into my blog reading and we all know this is what keeps me, in a harmonious balance nobody alive would benefit by shifting, both sane and insane. Can you imagine me sane? Neither can I.

After listing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to be happy for the chance of corrupting another young mind.

Here is a small list of duties I came up with:

Get here on time to sign me in (where he will wait half an hour for me to arrive but that’s okay because he can make coffee while waiting).

Dust my desk (you’re probably thinking this is an easy task but he would have to move all my junk meticulous files and then put them back exactly where they were)

Once I arrive, get my coffee. (I’d do it myself but I’d already be running late)

Heat up my lunch.

Take Mocha to the groomers.

Take my clothes to the dry-cleaners.

Pick it up when it’s ready.

...

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

Uh, this is all I have for now. I would like to add that I’m hoping the following people apply for this coveted position:
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Brad Pitt
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Reynolds

BRAD PITT
David Beckham
Any other hot actors/musicians/sports dudes

If you know any of them and think they would be willing to work for minimum wage and doing menial tasks, let them know to fax their résumés with a picture of themselves in provocative poses to my attention.
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Maybe somebody over at Humor-Blogs would like to apply to be my whipping boy?

P.S.
I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t have to get my coffee. Everybody knows I’m very particular about how I drink my coffee.
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P.S.S.

An added bonus is that I am a very cool boss. Very cool. And fun.

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I am a tad impatient.

The day I met a guy with soft Soft SOFT hands.

Okay. I don’t know when this affliction started I really don’t. I don’t remember having issues in my teens but maybe my brain hadn’t completely lost its path to saneness. Naw, who am I kiddin’ I’ve always been this SPECIAL.

Anyway, last week, an attorney decided he wanted to meet the legend that is *I* in person. He asked if we could schedule a lunch —neutral territory I’m assuming— so we may discuss his request on reducing our fees by 20%.

That doesn’t sound like allot right? 20%? Well, that would reduce our fees by $24,000 and we were offering a very generous $12,000. I stuck to my guns for a few weeks so this was his desperate attempt to talk some *sense* into me.

I had to refuse the offer of lunch (we try not to leave work during the day so as not to scare the normal folk) but I spoke to OZ who told me to invite him on over to the asylum.

By some evil prank played by the devil himself! I forgot all about it and wore regular business casual clothes (with a small bleach stain on the butt which I didn’t notice until I took off my pants later that day!) (I took off my pants to put on a pair of shorts WHEN I WAS HOME I don't want you thinking those thoughts in my presence) and not my usual showered, slicked-out, lacquered-up, killer-shoes, very businessy attire I wear when meeting with OZ and/or other dangerous people.

CL called me as soon as the attorney arrived. I went out to greet him and he ::shudder:: extended his hand ::gag:: and I took it ::bugh:: and it was super smooth and SOFT ::blech::!

Listen, I don’t want to come off looking like a Soft-ist in your eyes. I have nothing against men having baby smooth hands, I just don’t want them touching me.

I AM GETTING ALL TWITCHY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!

And not the good kind of twitchy.

As soon as I let go, I wanted desperately to scrub my hand on the side of my pants! It was itchy and I could have sworn little bumps were forming on my palm!

When OZ, Glynda and I excused ourselves to discuss our negotiation, OZ asked me what I thought about the attorney, he seemed like a nice guy should we go ahead and accept his offer?

What do I say? I want the guy to leave because he’s giving me the heebie jeebies!

No! I must maintain my objectivity and professionalism but I found myself blurting:

“Give it to him! Sign whatever he wants!”

The moral of the story here is, yelling at me will not convince me you're right. Having soft hands, besides making me want to hurl, will get you further in the negotiations game.

I'm just telling you please don't tell anybody else! Well, you can tell all the people over at Humor-Blogs or maybe you can click on it anyway.

P.S.

If you are a man with soft hands, I wasn't trying to insult you... maybe just a little bit. You can always use a cheese grater to fix the problem. That's just a suggestion so don't sue me if it hurts or you pass out due to loss of blood.

I survived Friday the 13th! Just barely...

So hey. Guess who you should never ask if they know of any good restaurants.

Guess!

If you said old people the elderly then you're smarter than I gave you credit for because me? I didn't see that one coming!

I had a taste for Caucasian food. Why don't we ever call it that?? When I told Andy I had a taste for Caucasian food, he shook his head and said I shouldn't call it that but I had to point out that we say things like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, Greek food... need I go on? To me, things like roast beef and meatloaf is Caucasian food.
But! I guess I should call it something else since it offends my hubs. Let me know if you think of something that won't make him cry (kidding babe)(maebee).

I innocently asked the ladies at work "Hey, Andy and I want to try a new place for dinner. You guys know of any place around here that's good?"

Unanimously they suggested a place called Gilbert's.

"Oh, it's very good!"

"And economical"

"And they give you tons of food"

"That's right good for 2 meals!"

Well, bless their little souls!

Since we don't like having dinner too late and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch, we headed on over to Gilbert's at around 5:00 in Andy's crashmobile (it's fixed again... but for how long??)..

Now, it's been a while since I've watched Seinfeld so I forgot one very IMPORTANT thing. 5:00 o'clock is to older people what 9:00 o'clock is to the rest of us young 'uns!
We walked into the place and the bar area looked like somebody spilled a bag of cotton balls and a package of shiny brown marbles!

Senior citizens EVERYWHERE! But that's okay, I'm sure they won't hurt us, right?
Right??



You see that red arrow? (Sorry, I was trying to take inconspicuous pictures, then I figured they wouldn't know what I was doing but the quality sucks anyway.) That red arrow points at a wall that is hiding ONE MILLION elderly folk. I couldn't tell if they were being held back because the wall discharged electricity if they tried to leave or if they were tied to their chairs.


This beautiful picture is of the menu which they blew up to BILLBOARD size, I'm guessing so people with sight problems would know what to order?



Now for my review of the food.
I know why it is so popular with people with diet restrictions.
THE FOOD IS BLAND! BLAAAAAND!!
I have never had to put so much salt and pepper on anything I've eaten in my life!

Plus, how disturbing is this picture? It looks like the little chicken is taking a nap. I should have ordered the ribs like Andy did.


As for the amount of food for the price, they were right.
It was inexpensive, the portions were ginormous and Andy will be eating that poor little chicken for a few days because I just don't need all that salt now that summer is here. I figure all my water retention will still be there naturally.

AND FOR DESERT!!

Chocolate cake with a layer of cheddar cheese.

Okay, stay with me now.

What would you say.
If I asked you if you wanted a slice of yummy chocolate cake and then put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of it??
...
Oh WoW! I’d never heard that word before!

Okay, what would you say if I did that on Thursday and it was the BEST cake I had eaten??

Um, yeah, I don’t call you names so what you just said is uncalled for.

Here’s how it happened.

PD brought in treats for Thursday and these included chocolate cake and little slices of cheese for crackers. I went to have some cheese because we’ve all established that cheese and I have a long loving gastronomical relationship.

Sure, it sometimes makes my stomach talk back to me in the form of lactose intolerance but you know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Anyway, the cake looked so good I took a tiny little sliver and put a couple of slices of yummy cheddar cheese ON THE SIDE OF MY plate. After I chomped on the cheese, I had a little bite of the cake and the combination of flavors was unbelievable!!

Sooooo… being the experimental person I am, I combined the two and reached a state of taste nirvana they only talk about in dirty movies.

The next time you come over to my house, this is to the 3 of you I trust (the rest of you have threatened me enough to merit me just keeping our acquaintanceship on the interwebisphere), I will serve a plateful of this yummy yum yum cheddar cheesy cake just for YOU.

And don’t try making excuses not to come to my house cuz I will go to your house, hide in the bushes and make you try a piece.

But, enough about me.

Kidding.

I still need you to click on Humor-Blogs for me since I'm sliiiiiiding! Thanks!

P.S.

AMAZON SUCKS ASS! Not The Amazon, Amazon the book ordering place. I hate them. I've been waiting for a book I bought (Driving Sideways by Jess Riley) because Suzy threatend to beat me if I didn't buy it and I'm still waiting! I blame Suzy.

MY chest hurts! I think I’m having a lopsided heart attack!

That’s when your heart hurts but the pain is not on your left side.

Get ready for another rant. Ready? Are you sure? This might not be up long. I might take it down since I don’t know how long this pissed-off-edness will last. Might last one day, it might take us into the next century!

I have 3 brothers and one sister. Ages 32, 31, (wait, my sister is 8 years younger than me I’m 35. 35-8 =?) 27 and 25. I have no serious issues with those above the age of 26 but the one below that age??? I want to slap him so hard his silly cheeks will touch his toes!!!

I don’t understand!

We were all raised by the same mother so how can he be so different from the rest of us??

He was the first to cry out for independence, moved to New York and bummed around but finally came back after a year, skinner than death and even more lacking in family social skills.

He doesn’t want anybody’s advice because EVERYBODY IS WRONG but he will ask for money or favors when he needs them. He judges us for taking our jobs seriously “It’s just a job man!” Uh yeah, one that helps when you ask me to borrow money for the bus man!

Enablers, that’s what we are.

About 2 weeks ago I asked him to stop using the text option on his phone because we got a $70 bill for usages on his line alone. We are only supposed to be dishing out $9.99 and now he cost us 7 times that??

He apologized said he would stop but guess the fuck what? I checked on his phone and he is now up to $143!!

Seriously???

How was my message misinterpreted? Please, someone explain to me how me saying “Stop it!” turned into “Dude, you know what? I’d like you to text every one of your fuckin little loser friends just to say things like ‘wzup guy wtcha doin’?’ because I feel like this will help strengthen the muscles in my heart so that when I finally have THE BIG ONE I will be able to drive myself to the hospital without the need of an ambulance!”

Thanks LITTLE brother! I KNEW I could count on you!

What?

You think I should keep personal family bizness out of my blog?

Tough shit there Sparky because now you pissed me off! Before, when it was $75 -almost two full tanks of gas-, I could control my heart beats by breathing slowly but now THAT IT IS ALMOST DOUBLE??
Well, breathing slowly won’t cut it because I might just lose too much oxygen and the 6 brain cells I have left might start knocking into each other. Where will we be then? Will you take care of me? Will you pay my fuckin’ bills?

But! Here is my solution. That Stimulus Package we are all coveting? You will get to see me cash it after you've signed it and MAYBE I’ll give you bus fare.

::sigh::

I know what you’re going to say, ‘bump him off your plan’.

One day, one day my heart will indeed be ice and he’ll have to walk that high wire without his chump of a safety net!

See that? And I don't even have kids! I shouldn't have this type of stress in my life!

Another Monday that sucked monkey balls! Can you guys please click on Humor-Blogs for me even if you know all I do is rant?

The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?

Queen of Sausages
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
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Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
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I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
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Scene Two:

I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
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I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
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Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
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And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
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Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

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P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

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P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

This is not about Madonna's big dick.

-Day 107-
The anniversary dinner was a success! A success I tell you!
It also made me realize the reason why Andy and I will be together until the day I have to change his diapers (hopefully a very long long time from now!) (I need to build a resistance first) is because we haven't changed! Sure, our salaries are higher since we no longer have to live off a fast food nickles and pennies paycheck, but us? We're still the same.

What were we doing 9 years ago? You ask.
Well, I can guarantee I went to pick Andy up at Brown's in my car (he didn't have one back then), then he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. We went to Baker's Square for dinner. I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared pie a-la-mode. We also imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

Below is the scene he re-enacts. It's a Tarantino movie so F-bombs are liberally thrown about as if they were rose petals at a wedding.



Flash forward 9 years and this what happened:

I picked up Andy at home after work (his car is in the shop because some old lady thought she was rich enough to go thru Andy's car), he drove us to his comic book store while I waited in the car. Then we went to Baker's Square for dinner, I had a pita, he had a burger and we shared a brownie a-la-mode. We imagined winning the lottery...

He then did a one man reenactment of the opening dialogue for Reservoir Dogs (After Madonna's big dick).

I called him a nerd he called me a butthole*. Ah true love!
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By the way, if you haven't seen Reservoir Dogs (PROBABLY BRIAN!) why? Mr. Pink kicks fuckin ass and Mr. White is HAWT! If you're a girly squeamish girly girl get over yourself and watch it anyway!


Changing the subject. Do you know what this is?


This is a Dunkin Donuts that's literally ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! One block. Only, it's not a Dunkin' Donuts yet. It's been under construction for 100 years! Please tell me what's taking so long. I'm not a fan of the donuts but their coffee? I would gladly substitute breathing air to be able to inhale their coffee.

Hook me up with a coffeexygen machine and I'm a more lovable, easy manageable human being.
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P.S.
I do not agree with Mr. Pink and always always over tip. Unless the waitress is a character in "Waiting..." then I just throw up and ask for a hammer.
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*He called me a butthole because after he ordered I said "Ha! I knew you'd order a burger I even put it up on the blogus!" just thought you should know.

Square is the new cool. I should know.

-Day 71.

So...

My day consisted of me listening to 6 women complain about their husbands' illnesses. They're all in their 60s so they range from back problems to inability to digest food.

I've heard it all.

Bowel movements, ear wax buildup, enlarged prostrates- the freakin' works people!

This got me day dreaming about the job I had previous to this one.
Where I worked in a cubicle with movable walls.

And I sighed.

Then there was this one time the office skanks were talking about their "dates" and I moved one of my walls so I could be completely enclosed in awesome privacy.

I remembered all this and cried.

Well, not really cried but my upper lip did the sad droopy thing. Okay maybe there was ONE tear.
:'o{

To all you people who hate cubicles I say:

Stop yer bitchin'!!!

The end.

My top 10 women? I AM an equal opportunist...

-Day 59.-

For Brother Dan, my top 10 list of women I want... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... to BE.

This was harder than I thought. I guess I'm pretty happy being me. Who knew!

These are in no particular order so don't get pissy with me.

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Jean knee:
Nobody has more personalities than she does! No, that’s not a typo. I’m still working on mine, at the moment I only have 2. Sociopath and sleepy.
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Angelina Jolie:
She looks like the type of chick who would kick ass and ask questions later. The Chuck Norris of women.
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Princess Buttercup:
She has a Farm Boy
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Elastic:
She has better access to nachos than I do. I only get them when I go to the movies and this makes me sad.
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Jennifer Aniston:
I love her fashion sense. Hmmm... I bet she wishes to be AJ too.
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Kathy Griffin:
CUZ SHE’S HILARIOUS!! Yeah, she’s somewhat of an ugmo but I’d rather be funny than hot. Although, some days I’m both! ;o)
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The richest woman in the world:
Because she is the richest woman in the world. Don’t worry, I’d give you each a few million to lavish adoration upon mua. I know you already do but this way you’d get paid for it.

.

Tracy:

Because she just got a greenhouse and I've been wanting one for about 2 years. She also claims to have tattoos but I've never seen them, have you? Nah they must be the fake ones I keep buying.

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Okay, that's all I was able to come up with and now I have a headache. I welcome any suggestions!

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Please remember that tomorrow is my official Blogging Day Off. That doesn't mean it's your day off from clicking Humor-Blogs for me.

Holidays, you've pushed me over the edge...

It has been Hell here at the Asylum. Why, you ask? Oh, you didn't ask...?

Okay.

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The following are 2 simple suggestions to drive a coworker batty-er.
As I’ve told you all, Milton is… obsessive compulsive about EVERYTHING. Waste is one of the things that irks her more than words can describe.
She’ll take home hard stale coffee cake, moldy cheese, slimy turkey/ham (hungry yet?) etc.
She’ll use her pencil to the last sliver of lead.
One time Glynda was going to throw out some diet coke that had been sitting in a 2 liter container for months, she took it home to drink with her dinner. Then admitted she didn’t even like diet coke.
Anyway, to amuse myself, I did the following things to see what reactions I would get.

How to drive a tight wad insane:
1)
I had a penny that had seen better days so I said out loud
“Gross! I’m throwing this penny away cuz it’s icky!” I swiveled around to throw it out in the waste basket behind my desk.
It took Milton half a second to get out of her chair and kneeling by my garbage can!!

She shouted (literally SHOUTED!) “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T THROW IT OUT!” and proceeded to dig thru my garbage can to find the elusive penny.
Elusive why?

Because I threw a paperclip in the garbage and not the penny.
What am I stupid?

A penny is a penny and if you have 100 that makes a dollar, if you have 1,000 that makes… hold on a second 1 x 1,000 = 1,000 carry the decimal point… $10.00?? TEN DOLLARS for a minute there I almost got carried away and moved the decimal point to the right! ::phew!:: Uh, yeah... what was I saying?? --
.

She went thru every little piece of folded paper to find that penny, mumbling the whole time. I had to ask her to move twice because she was in my way. She finally had to give up and take her sad dejected body back to her desk… poor Milton.
Did she ever dream her life would end up at the bottom of my garbage can? Probably not but that’s what she gets for not ordering me my coke last Thursday.
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Boundaries

2)
Put a makeshift parameter around your desk with this sign:
Unfortunately, I used the weird holey thingys from our printer until I can come up with something more sturdy.

I kept calling Milton and asking her questions knowing she was dying to stand an inch away from my shoulder but was unable to because of my perforated paper fence.

She would take a step forward then slowly back away. I will call it the “OCD Shuffle” Step forward, hemhaw, do a little shake, back away-back away.
But!

We, as a human race, learn to adapt to situations/surroundings. She finally figured out a specific spot where she could stand and point her long ET finger at the papers in front of me. She is the smarter of the bats, I’m so proud of her!
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**Remember! Once you start feeling sorry for them, it stops being funny!**
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It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Ladies and gents, let's not forget this is the season to love and forgive your fellow man, woman and other.
Those that have aggrieved you will be enjoying the Holiday celebration while you’re fermenting your anger.
This is my Orpa moment:
I suggest you go to them. Ask for a moment of their time. Get close enough for a hug. Yeah, that’s it! Get closer and…
.

.

.

.

.

.

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WHAM!!! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!
If they fall while you’re beating them, don’t be afraid to use your feet.

That is the only way you can spread the pain of the season and in return make yourself feel joy! Love, Bee.

FALL LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAA!

<--This is for Andy

Nobody takes Chuck Norris' cookies!

Caffeine Head, Plain Jane

Crappy times in the Midwest.

So...
First the positive.

Even though we don't have Internet access at home [gasp!] we still have electricity... and cable!
On to the bad news. We are underwater. :o( Trees, branches everywhere.
My garden... [shaking my head] it's too depressing to talk about so that's all I have to say about that.

And AND! I broke a nail. I know, tough times.

Anyway back to the freak show!

Cutting off caffeine cold turkey is HARD!
I broke down on Thursday cuz it was just too exhausting to be a bee-yotch all day.
I had half a cup of regular coffee (AKA heaven's elixir) and my bitchyness (or should it be bitchiness? not sure. Be right back.) (Okay I checked with Word and it is definitely bitchiness but I’m leaving it in this way so you can see how much time I dedicate/waste to/on this blog.) mysteriously went away! Weird.
Don't worry, today I have an IV that is pumping me with caffeine as we speak.
Just thought I’d let y’all know in case I was mean to you the past few days.
I’m not apologizing just explaining.

Jane don't leave me!

I have some bad news.
Sit down cuz this is going to be rough.
My Jane Magazine people sent me a postcard.
They have decided to stop publishing Jane…!!!!
My Jane my Plain Jane NO!!!

How will I figure out how to hide bald spots in my hair?? (eye shadow)
How will I know what the cool new tunes are??? (The Pipettes, New Pornographers)
Who will tell me what good books to read?? (Sunstroke by Tessa Hadley; The Empress of Weehawken by Irene Dische)
What Mag will tell me where to go on vacation for less than 100 bucks?? (Dallas, Texas)
How will I know the tricks to sliding into tight jeans?? (baby powder on the legs)
What Mag will give me mixed drink recipes for when I one day become an alchy?? (Yummy Mojito)
Who will tell me what the new exercise fad is?? (Samurai Sword Fighting, Naked Yoga, Stripping!)
And they had other advice that I cannot discuss in mixed company. (and by mixed I just mean family members)
I’m no spring chicken so I have to go based on what they tell me is cool to keep up appearances!!

They offered me Glamour Magazine instead.
Glamour!
Do I freakin' look glamorous?!
Well um… you know, if you could see me, you would be able to see the only thing glam about me is my shoes. Today I’m wearing these to work.


I know there’s no need to show off but, if you knew the story of these shoes, you’d understand why I’m so proud of ‘em. (I also have them in black… shhh!)

Any-who… back to my woe-is-me!

I am going to call those publishing nitwits and let them know I don’t want their crumby Glamour Mag and to publish my Jane again! WTF!
They’ll listen to me right?
I mean, I can be very persuasive!


Maybe I can tell them I'm suffering from fear of West Nile Virus...?

I'm gonna ask OZ if I can leave early so I can start the flood clean up. He might say no but then I'll say fuck off! and leave anyway, you know, day like any other day. I'm telling you this in case you don't hear from me the whole weekend!

I have to go now.

I think I heard something about bagels taking over the kitchen. I must go investigate!