Monday, March 30, 2009

My vacation attire would get me banned from all 5 star, 4 star, 3 star, 2 star resorts.

So... I'm on vacation right now. If you're picturing me sitting on a beach, in a bikini, drinking a Piña Colada (I used to drink Margaritas but I can no longer have them without feeling like razor blades are playing La Cucaracha inside my throat- which is a very unpleasant feeling), first I have to say that you are a perv for picturing me in a bikini and you only have yourself to blame for your mind's eye going blind, second I am still in Chicagoland experiencing the yearly thaw out and hoping all our efforts to keep my house dry are not in vain.

Sadly, I'm Spring cleaning. My long lost friend (LLF) could not make it in April and I'm hoping I didn't scare her off. Nah! Impossible since I am such a charming individual. Anyway, this gave me more time to make my house presentable. I'm wondering how it's possible to have massive amounts of accumulated crap that I think I might need one day. I do this every year and I have no clue how it happens.

My goal for tomorrow is to tackle the dungeon. That place needs a major overhaul since it has mutilated Orc body parts stinking it up. At least I'm hoping that's what that smell is! My dream is that, by the time my LLF comes, my house will be a little bit more uh adult-like and not all Betty Boopy, comic book graphic novely, dolls action figurey-like. I mean, we'll keep the framed pictures of Batman, Wonder Woman and Superman but I'm hoping to also add a little bit of sophistication. Maybe something like this:

I don't know what I was thinking when I did my "to do" list. I must have thought I could channel June Cleaver thereby overestimating my housekeeping skills and my attention span:

1-Clean out closet, go thru clothes I will no longer wear (because I can no longer get into them because they mysteriously shrunk)

2- Rearrange shoes/purses, go thru ones I will no longer use. (pffft easier said than done since I love every single one of my shoes and purses as if they gestated in my body- okay that was kinda gross)

3- Wash door frames, doors and window frames with bleach water (oh my god what a pain in the ass that was!)

4- Paint them (meh they're clean they don't have to be perfect)

5- Clean out back porch (I do this yearly and dear god where the hell do I get all this crap??)

6- Reorganize all cabinets (who looks in there anyway? so what if pots and pans fall on my head?)

7- Decontaminate the DUNGEON


By far that is the scariest thing of all.

The reason for this post, I will be incommunicado until Wednesday because I know me. Me is the type of person that when she turns on the laptop she sits down and loses track of time until her mom throws a wooden spoon at her head and says 'Andy just pulled into the driveway and you haven't accomplished anything!'. My mom is such a slave driver. She doesn't approve of me waking up at 10 then taking my sweet time with my coffee and then taking a lunch break at noon. I can't wait until her floor is done! I can go back to being my lazy self with a life of over hanging cobwebs and playful dust bunnies. Ahhh good times!

Also, my friend jean knee opened up a new store where she sells... wait for it... Cock Suckers bwahahaha! I'm serious! How awesome is that?

Her Etsy store is called Polkadotcock (not to be confused with spotted dick) so go on over and buy them for your Easter baskets. Andy just said that would be inappropriate but neither he nor I have ever gotten an Easter basket so I'm sure he doesn't know what he's talking about.


Thank you Angie for fixing my Photobucket issues! :o)


  1. cock suckers!!!

    i really can't come up with anything better. that's the greatest response to a post i think i've ever had.

  2. Sadly, now my comment looks absolutely lame compared to the cock sucker bomb above me. Sigh.

    I honestly can't think of a more rewarding spring break vaycay than what you're doing now. It might be more rewarding for Andy if you actually DO wear a bikini whilst you clean. Think about it.

  3. My refrigerator has a to-do list with about eight things. It hasn't changed in three years. Maybe I should just give up on it...

    (#2 on the list is to unpack the moving boxes that are still on the front porch... I'm hopeless.)

  4. That's hilarious!

    I clean in the nude. Saves on laundry.

  5. you know.. I think Zombies, who are on the run, come into our houses to stash their shit until the apocalypse.. that would explain the Orc parts in your house. When it happens THEN they comeget their shit and suck your brains.. or your cocksuckers depending on their mood

    I too am afflicted with the should-be-cleaning-but would-rather -do-anything-but-that syndrome. This is MUCH easier

  6. So when can you fly down here and help me?? You are on vacation, after all. Flights are cheap these days, so I hear.

    Oh we have plans for our basement when it is no longer needed for a play room. We are gonna turn it into an "adult" play room with a pool table, bar area, and big screen TV. Peter also wants to put in a stripper pole, but you gotta draw the line somewhere.

  7. Sorry -- At the start I was picturing you on a topless beach and I lost all focus from that point on.

    I am infatuated with your shoe collection and even though I'm pretty sure you wear a size 2 in kids size, I will squish my size 8 feet into them and wear them every day or until I need foot surgery.
    And you know how I feel about purses. I WANT ANY PURSES YOU GET RID OF LADY! Go it?
    I haven't seen your purse collection but if it's anything like your shoe collection I will love them.
    And I promise you that any purse you give me will be loved and cared for as if they were my children. I love each of my purses equally even though each are unique and different.

    Also, Jean Knee isn't going to fall for your ass kissing stunt that you stole from me.
    She knows who did it first cause I told her.
    I whored her stuff so well that I would put a hooker to shame!
    Besides, she loves me more anyway.

  9. Oh, that Heineken commercial is hilarious!

    and the cocksuckers---oh, I have a few people I'd like to give those know, with a smile!

  10. I find it much easier to just make a To Don't list. That way you can sit on your ass all day and really feel like you accomplished something.

  11. Cock suckers! i like it. Imagine all the possible sizes and flavors with cocksuckers. Strawberry cocksuckers, black cherry cocksuckers. Fun stuff right there.

    Have fun cleaning yo, I do the same type of thing, even against my will. ;)

  12. Ah yes.

    The one time where my procrastination really does come in handy..

    Spring Cleaning.

    I hem and haw, while the wife cleans madly..

    By the time she realizes this, and says something, most of the nasty work is done, and I can take care of the little things!

    Thanks for the reminder Bee.. I'll be sure to let my wife know you helped me with this year!

  13. If my husband would go clean out the garage right now, I might reward his efforts with some of those suckers. Or something like it. I totally didn't just say that.

  14. thanks for whoring me out.
    damn I need a cigarette.

    I'm supposed to be cleaning my sty too, we have friends coming

  15. I can't believe you'll get your shoes sorted out in 2 days.

    You and Andy should sell your house and travel round the globe visiting the rest of us. You could do the cleaning whilst Andy did all the electrical jobs. I'm sure you'd be able to make a decent living...

  16. It is during this time of the year, when the sky is the same shade as an elephants hide that I ask myself: Why Chicago? Out of all the places in the country why did my ancestors choose this place? Freezing in the winter, steamy in the summer, no sense of spring what-so-ever.

    But then something like Venitian Night or a Sox game comes along and I shrug my shoulders and say "I guess this place isn't that bad..."

  17. Good luck with the cleaning. I hope there are no zombies,dragons, or skeletons in your dungeon

    I actually like spring cleaning. I know. I'm weird that way! We have a small house so there is no room to let stuff pile up.

  18. omfg those cock suckers are so awesome. If my credit card weren't in the hospital I would get those for my mom's church pastor!

    Good luck with your cleaning :)

  19. I LOVE that commercial saw it the other night and laughed my assa off so hard that everyone in the house ran to check on me

  20. I've never noticed the Guns n Roses poster on the dungeon door.

  21. You women and your goddamn shoes and purses... You all make me nuts with that.


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