Those Hobos know all the tricks!

I was driving to the store today, freezing my buttuckcus because the heater was taking its sweet time to blow hot air, and I was wearing my brand new mittens-slash-hobo gloves.

(don't mind my fingers, they've been infected with old age)

I was thinking about how cute they were but also how practical because I didn't have to take them off to work my iPhone or look for my keys (because I look for them by touch) or to scratch my ear because all I had to do was flip the top of them down.

As I was headed towards the store, in search of the perfect birthday card for a wacky friend of mine who will have double the wrinkles next week when he turns THE BIG FOUR-OH, I was also remembering that my pop's birthday was next week too and I was trying to remember how old he was. At that time I had the top of the gloves up like so:

and my hands were on the steering wheel. Since I can never remember how old my pop is, I always think of my age, add 20 years to figure out how old my mom is then go up one because her birthday is in May and then add five years because he's older than my mom. It's a complicated formula I know.

So there I was, trying to add 58 + 5, and knowing how impossible it would be to add those numbers in my head, (pathetic, you say? Screw you, I reply. I just cannot do math in my head.) I visualized the 58 in my head and counted off the next 5 digits on my fingers. Only I couldn't see my fingers because they were hidden in my mittens!

They were hidden! In my mittens! (okay, I don't know why but that just cracked me up) (and yes, I am my number ONE FAN!)

THEY WERE HIDDEN! IN MY MITTENS! HAHAHAHA Still funny.

Anyway, uh I lost my train of thought. Oh right! I looked at my hand and tried to see which finger was 59 and which one was 60 and then I kind of just drifted off and forgot why I was looking at my mitten bending all weird. Then I remembered and tried again but I kept getting stuck at 60! Then the car behind me honked so I had to move on because the light was green and that's when the flashlight went off and I lowered the top part of the mitten and resumed my counting!

Yeah! Another reason those things are awesome! They still let me do simple math!

I guess regular gloves would work for simple math too but they're not useful if you want to stick your hand in the bag of Boston Baked Beans you just bought and put them in your mouth. Well, I guess you can but then your gloves will get soggy.

And that is my *Hobo gloves are awesome* story.

P.S.

Andy just proofread this post and asked if I had spiked my strawberry lemonade then he told me I meant "light bulb" and not "flashlight" because when an idea pops up they show a light bulb. I guess he's right. ::shrug::

Did I mention I haven't been sleeping well?

Married Latina Female.

It is my belief that  life helps us prepare for things we weren't expecting in our paths by giving us small examples of how to deal with any future disappointments, sadness, heartache, homicidal tendencies, etc. I think back to the time I didn't have car insurance and backed into a Cadillac and had to pay the mean bitch out of my own pocket for her "repairs" even though there was nothing wrong with her car. That incident helped me realize any extra money in my wallet attracts evil which is why I try to spend as much of it as I can! Oh, I also learned I needed car insurance.

The reason I'm talking about this semi-enlightenment crap is because life never prepared me for Milton wanting to be my twin. Yep. You heard me right!

She is dressing like me, buying shoes like mine (WITH HEALS EVEN!), wearing gaudy jewelry, cutting her hair short like mine... Oh my lord! I just realized there was a movie just like this a few years ago! It was called Single White Female. Only I'm not single and she's not either. And also she is of the Caucasian persuasion and I'm so obviously of the Latin persuasion. Anyway, it's creeping me out! Now I have to hear about how she goes shopping at my favorite shoe store and to make matters worse, she was wearing a cute pair of red Mary Janes that would have looked awesome on my tootsies!

  (not actual shoe she wore because I would have wrestled them off her feet!)

Her next *Bee* thing? Perfume! She was commenting on how she loves how I leave the office smelling so good. Over Christmas she bought 3 different scents so I could tell her which one was better on her. She asked me what the name of mine was and I lied. I told her it was Exclamat!on which I used to wear when I was like 15 or 16 so I'm hoping she gets the hint.

When she cut her hair, she asked me if she could get away with dying it a dark color, not black but maybe a dark brown. I told her her skin was too fair and her response was "well so is yours but the color looks good on you" and I had to let her down easy by saying that there is a difference between being fair and blushy (me) and fair and cotton-ball-y (her). Thankfully she went with strawberry blonde.

I hope she doesn't try to swap my Andy for her beer-gutted old dude because I will have to introduce her to my little friend:

It's not very humane but I think it'll get my point across!

This is not a commercial.

Sometimes I think my television is my enemy. I really do. I could be sitting in my chair, enjoying a nice glass of strawberry limeade, thinking about how I am going to change my eating habits and add an excersise routine to my life when, all of a sudden, they'll show a skinny bitch enjoying a brownie sundae drizzled with fudge and nuts (peanuts, I mean) and my willpower goes out the window only I don't have a brownie sundae and I'm too lazy to make one so I settle for BBQ potato chips with French Onion dip instead. Then, full of self loathing, I yell at the TV for betraying my trust! But then, after I calm down and regain my senses, I apologize and return to my sedentary life.

Last Saturday night, I was watching Food Network whilst (that's right, I said WHILST) dismantling my beautiful Christmas tree. Andy had already gone to bed (lightweight!) but I wanted to have everything put away so that I wouldn't have to deal with it in the morning. As the night went on, the shows on on the Food Network started to get more and more appetizing. The FN personalities talked about their favorite breakfast foods (meh), their deserts, their favorite pizza, their favorite Barbecue... and so they hit my weakness. I love love love Barbecue. If it were up to me, and I wasn't deathly afraid of clogged arteries, I would eat Barbecue everyday. In fact, if I ever move from Chicago, which I very much doubt because I am looking for a place that never gets hotter than 80 degrees and never goes lower than 50, one of my requirements will be to move within jogging distance of one of the best Barbeque places in town.

After listening to them go on and on about their favorite barbeque places and watching them enjoy mouth watering ribs and brisket as they licked their fingers, a decision was made to find the nearest BBQ place near my house and gorge myself until I was either squealing like a pig or in a meat coma. Sadly, I would have to wait until Sunday because I can't see well enough to drive at night it was too late to go out. And besides, I still didn't know where to go.

The next morning, I mentioned my obsession with BBQ at our family brunch and Crazy Ez suggested Famous Dave's (for some reason, the website has music blaring when you click over) I immediately pulled out my iphone and mapped the closest location to me! Unfortunately, I had just eaten (stupid, I know) so I had to wait for the body to do whatever it does to make me hungry again (I think it has something to do with hamsters and magic).

As I waited patiently for the time to pass, I did the following things:

-Started to clean (stopped when I realized what I was doing)

-Watched Andy play Call of Duty 3 (he was usurping my space in front of the TV)

-Joined the P.I.G. club on the Famous Dave's website (below is the reenactment)

-Read their entire menu

-Drooled

-Read the menu to Andy

-Read the menu to Andy again because he wasn't listening

-Read the menu to Mocha because Andy wasn't paying attention because he was too busy splattering brains all over the place

Finally, it was time to go!

As soon as I walked into the restaurant, my nose  gave me a standing ovation! I was prepared to order a pulled pork sandwich with some creamy cole slaw but Andy suggested we order the feast for 2.

Are they serious? TWO people??  We barely made a dent!

Notice how it looks almost the same.

The food was excellent. The meat was tender on the inside and charred on the outside just the way I love it! If any of you have a Famous Dave's near you, I recommend you go. Tell them I sent you! They won't know what you're talking about and assume you're off your meds but I'm sure it won't be the first or last time someone made that assumption.

I'm always open to try new places so if any of you have a better places, in my area because I'm not traveling to Louisiana just for meat (I personally would but I think Andy would have some objections) let me know.

Oh and sorry Brian, I don't think there are any locations in the UK. ::sobbing::