Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Brian’s fear of spiders is justified plus stuffing my drawers.

So, did you miss me? Maybe you didn’t even notice I was gone? Niiiice thanks a lot people!

Anyway, more on my vacation later.

Andy holding Big Willy formerly known as The Sears Tower: andy crusher

Today I’d like to say that I am now on the “Spiders-are-evil-emissaries-of-death!” bandwagon.

My Long Lost Friend and I were enjoying a nice little bonfire on Sunday night. There was a nice breeze, it wasn't too cold or too warm, the memories were flowing- minus the booze...

When the fire started dying down, I got up and went to get some homemade firewood (homemade firewood is wood you grow yourself and then mother nature comes along and decides to rip your wood plants in half) that we had stacked near our fence. It was dark, I couldn’t see very well so I blindly sifted through the wood pile looking for some nice thick pieces.

In that small amount of time, I was apparently being scaled like Mount Everest by ninja spiders because I have about 7 large spider bites on my legs, toes and feet.

Since things in my life can’t ever be of the normal variety, these spider bites are currently bubbling up and a resembling the alps.I get hotter and hotter every day.

alps I really wish I was exaggerating.

For all you know, these paragraphs may be the last thing I write before foaming at the mouth and going into seizures that will have me biting off my head, or worse, buying a jumpsuit.


It’s funny because, after all the gardening I’ve done over the years, I have never been attacked by the spider militia. Mosquitos, bees, squirrels, angry parents, those I'm used to but not spiders.

Then I went on Bad Spider Bites and talk about scaring the ever lovin crap out of myself! ::shiver!::

Okay I'm going to change the subject now.

I returned to the Asylum today and everybody seemed super happy to see me. That was such a weird feeling. Kind of a cross between drinking warm cider and vinegar. Anyway, later in the day, I got a little hungry. I opened my drawer to pull out the bag of Cheetos I keep in case of emergencies imagine my surprise when it wasn't there.

I asked around but nobody admitted to ransacking my snack drawer. I went to Glynda and asked her too, just in case. Her response "Let me ask OZ. He sometimes snoops in people's drawers" she came back later with $2.


What kind of mean MOFO does that? Seriously! I can't leave for 2 days without people taking my stuff. I'm gonna load my drawers with tampons and douches... not that I have a problem, okay? I'm just thinking that'll keep him outta my drawers.

Well that's about it- OH YEAH! For those of you who follow So You Think You Can Dance, if freakin Kayla/Shayla/Layla whatever the hell her name is doesn't get booted off this week I am going to have a fit! She should have been gone last week but nobody can seem to see her clumsy flopping around the floor when she does her solos. I need to hurry up and finish my mind control machine.


  1. I wish someone ransacked my work desk while I was gone. But nope, my big pile of mess was still there! I should have left some chocolate or something under the piles of paperwork... oh well, next time.

    Sears tower, Big Willy, hmm.... I'm still debating on which one sounds better, but the picture looks kewel!

  2. Welcome back Bee. We really did miss you...I swear. I even cried a little. (actually I'm lying about that part, but still....)

    Hope your spider bite gets well. Have you seen a doctor? Well, I know you've probably SEEN a doctor...what I mean is has a doctor looked at your spider bites... No! I'm NOT saying you eat like a spider. Has he checked your foot where the spider bit you?

    Gheesh! That was hard to write for some reason. Anyway. Take care. Oh, and we're all glad to see you're back...and your front and your sideways...and whatever!

  3. It's worse than I thought - the Spider Invasion is clearly moving into another phase, and we're all doomed.

    You'll soon start to develop a taste for flies, not to mention growing some extra legs and eyes.

    Looking on the bright side, at least you won't have to cook for yourself any more when your mother's away.

    If I were you, I'd stick to leaving Cheetos in your drawer. It'll really be freaky if you leave some feminine stuff in there and Oz takes that...

  4. Welcome back!

    Those were just mini-zombies and they were practicing on you. Ouchie!

    Nothing is safe in your desk drawers. Lock up those Cheetos!

    I like Brian's comment. If you're morphing into a spider, just think what you could do with your webs!

  5. you should leave an armed mousetrap in your desk drawer, and bait it with a loose cheeto

  6., like what was wrong with the orange jumpsuit?? Just asking!? spiders suck....especially if you google them and see them really close. Their beady little eyes and millions of hairs, and thier sharp fangs (ewwww) I just grossed myself out!

  7. That jumpsuit? would like divine in it!!

  8. keeping Oz outta your drawers.......bwa haaahahahaw

    and also.......eewwwwwww

    When I went to the bar at the top of the Sears tower they wouldn't let me in cuz I was wearing shorts. jerks

  9. I agree with Leeuna. Make one of those guys check out the bites.

    A couple years ago I got a brown recluse spider bite on a, shall we say, fatty area of my body. Its venom has a component that dissolves fat. If you get a bite on an area like you're talking about, it will usually heal well.

    When the doctor I worked for got a look at the bite I had, he thought it was flesh-eating bacteria. He flipped out since the only case he'd seen in the ER once had died.
    Not that he cared about me. I think he was just worried I wouldn't get my work done. Anyway, it can't hurt to have someone look at it.

    I am a Bad Spider Bite survivor and I approve this message.

  10. You got two bucks for a bag of cheetos! How big was the bag? Maybe you can make some money on the side. Just a thought.

  11. Interesting you mention spider bites. Your brother had this itch on his back which he wanted me to scratch (like always). When I looked at it, OMG, I freaked out. No way is it a mosquito bite!! It is red, feels really hard, and is the diameter of a half-dollar (or bigger). What do your spider bites look like? Should I make him go to the doc?

  12. Normally I'd say load your drawers with the kinkiest stuff you can think of, but given Oz, look-alike friend/niece/ deep seeded obsession, that may not be a good idea.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.