You know how sometimes men and women can happily co-exist and then sometimes all their differences are as glaringly apparent as an orange backpack on a neon blue shoed man?
Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, Andy complained about having something in his eye. I myself have been the recipient of little splinters playing tag in my eyeball due to my eyeliner pencil (because I buy the cheap 99¢ pencils that are probably made in China and poisoning me slowly) so I know how irritating it can be. I did my best to offer my sympathy and help. Unfortunately for the both of us, Andy wasn’t in last night. In his stead was Captain Unreasonable whose evil super power is a deafening roar.
I know we women are always making fun of the lack of pain tolerance our men have. We will sip coffee and commiserate on how the poor little bunnies had the sniffles or how they stubbed their toe and dropped to the floor wailing in pain. Breaks your heart, really.
Captain Unreasonable wanted my help but he didn’t want to tolerate my questions or my presence.
CU:
This thing is burning BURNING!
Bee:
Do you know what’s in there?
CU:
NO! ROOOOOAR!
Bee:
Did you let your eye tear up so that it could flush out?
CU:
IT HAS BEEN TEARING ALL DAY! ROOOOOOOAAAAAR!!
Bee:
Okaaaay.
We went to bed where Captain Unreasonable tossed and turned and I read Marley & Me. He finally couldn’t stand it anymore so he got up.
CU:
ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!
Bee:
Are you going to try and rinse it out?
CU:
I’M GOING TO TRY, BEE!
Bee:
::sigh::
CU:
I need tweezers!
I get out of bed so that I may locate the tweezers.
CU:
Are they rubber tipped?
Bee [thinks ‘what the fuck?’]:
Uhm, no.
CU:
THEN THEY WON’T WORK! ROOOOOAAAR!
Bee:
Can you see where it is clearly? [because I have long nails, you see. Maybe I could be the rubber tipped human tweezers]
CU:
OF COURSE I CAN! ROOOAR! ROOOOAAAAR! ROOOOOOAAAARRRRR!
I finally gave up trying to help because, if I wanted to have my head chewed off, I would staple raw steak to my ass and throw myself in a lion’s den slathered in BBQ sauce.
I went to bed and kept reading Marley & Me, which WTF? why did I torture myself? Did you guys know the freakin' dog dies at the end? It brought back all the memories of every dog that has been my faithful companion in my 36 years on Earth.
As I’m trying not to sob, Andy, I MEAN, Captain Unreasonable was slamming drawers and cabinets looking for these mythical rubber tipped tweezers.
He finally came to bed, angry that I hadn’t used my super healing powers to cure him.
The next morning (today day of the lord Tuesdayeth), he asked me for a magnifying glass. Huh? I thought I was dreaming and had forgotten Captain Unreasonable had made an appearance so I jokingly said:
“Don’t worry babe, it’s big enough”
CU:
ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Bee:
[mumbles] SHIT.
No, I don’t know where it is.
CU:
I can never find anything in this fucking house!
Bee:
Do you want me to make you an appointment with an ophthalmologist?
CU:
What does an ophthalmologist do?
Bee:
They are eye doctors.
CU:
What’s he gonna do?
Bee:
Is that a ‘no’?
CU:
I DON’T KNOW, BEE! We’ll see later today!
Bee:
[mumbles] That’s right. Don’t look to fix the problem. It’s better to complain.
CU:
WHAT????
Bee:
I said HAVE A GOOD DAY!
I finally went over his head and made him an appointment with Dr. Grim. He’s not an ophthalmologist but I’m sure he can pull Captain Unreasonable’s nose hairs until he cries that little piece of whatsit out of his eye.
I’m also thinking I need to buy a first aid kit and stock it with random objects that may come in handy. Magnifying glass, rubber tipped tweezers, yellow highlighter, staple remover, paper clip, ear plugs…
Babe, if you happen to be reading my blog today of all days, I’m not mocking you, I’m mocking Captain Unreasonable. Besides, I’m just kidding and I feel your pain! Poor little bunny.
If I had something in my eye, I'd be like CU, only worse. I hate anything eye-related.
ReplyDeleteLOL ... I like all the roaring. WHY wouldn't he let you just get it out? He slept all night with something in his eye? That is so man.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I had no idea they made rubber tipped tweezers.
Yikes! I'm with you on the eye pencil bits. With me, it's the mascara.
ReplyDeletePoor CU with his sore eye and that great roar!
I hope it flushes out soon.
The funny thing is, the doctor will ask him all the questions you did and he will be Mr. Reasonable when answering.
ReplyDeleteI use to be married to one of those...now Im divorced and the only roars I hear are from my kids...and they are more like the "ffftttt!!!" you hear from kitties...lol.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! My wife is always making fun of my and my lack of pain tolerance. At least I have never resorted to asking for mythical objects to cure my ills.
ReplyDeletepoor Andy
ReplyDelete(snicker)
Oh, you're gonna be in trouble for this one. You may wake up to find some rubber-tipped tweezers somewhere unpleasant, signed "Captain Unreasonable"
ReplyDeleteWhat would have been priceless would have been a "RRROOOAAAR... oh there it's out. G'night, honey." OK, so it'd never happen.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo why don't you share with everyone what was in my eye honeybunny?
ReplyDeleteI wonder why ALL MEN turn into Captain Unreasonable when they are in pain and refuse to let anyone help them!
ReplyDeletethe great hero always dies at the end of the best books
ReplyDeleteBrian:
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmmm.
Rhonda:
As it turns out, I guess it was for the best I didn't poke around in his eye. ;o)
RG:
I hate the little floaters from mascara too. They are very ouch!
Sue:
Yep. He's a teddy bear where ever one else in concerned.
Coolred38:
Men!
Otter:
:o) Yep, rubber tweezers indeed!
jean knee:
hee hee!
LiteralDan:
We looked for a pair at the store yesterday. Couldn't find 'em so I'm safe for now. ;o)
Lunatron:
That has happened before when he's looking for his wallet.
Andy:
Babe? Is that you? Are you back with the sane people?
MR:
I blame their mommies.
Nooter:
By the hand of the beautiful(ish) maiden(ish).
Last year my husband had to have an ingrown toenail removed. Before it became a problem, I told him I'd give him a pedicure he said no and yelled at me because HE WAS A MAN! Then it became infected and I wouldn’t go near it.
ReplyDeleteTHE DOG DIES? Thank God I didn;t read that book.
ReplyDelete