Monday, March 31, 2008

Ah! The joys of marriage!

Picture with permission of All Fantasy Art

-Day 90-
I have to come clean and tell you guys I'm an evil genius!
Last night, my warden went to bed before I did. If you're new to the crazy dynamics of our relationship, please know this was an unusual occurrence. His normal routine is to harass me until I give up and go to bed in a huff. Usually around 10:30.
I thought I'd be a bad ass and stay up really late. Unfortunately, my old bones got tired at about 1:00 am.
I got my stiff butt out of my chair and got ready for bed.
Andy had already been snoring for a couple of hours so I knew he was in one of his deep people-can-rollerblade-on-his-head sleeps.
My beloved sweet little monkey was taking up the whole bed... AGAIN!
I was able to shove lovingly move him to his side of the bed but his arm had a mind of it's own! It was like a crazy reenactment of Evil Dead II, you know, where the hand tries to kill the dude?
I was beginning to get a leetle beet irritated when he said (while still asleep).
What are they saying?
It really creeps me out when people talk in their sleep, it kinda gives me a they're possessed type of vibe but I decided to try to use this to my advantage.
They're saying you should move your arm.
I should move it?
Yeah, they said if you don't, they'll take it.
They'll take it?
He moved his arm and stayed on his side of the bed the whole night!
Betty and Wilma were on to something! (remember when they told their hubs to buy them fur coats and diamonds while they were sleeping?)

I was afraid the trauma of somebody taking his arm would be something he'd remember today but... [shoulder shrug] he has no idea. Shhh. Don't tell him.

Although, maybe I should be a little concerned in case I might have caused a repressed memory that would be triggered at an unexpected time? Like when he's ordering lunch at Subway.

Oh well!

As a favor to Andy, click on Humor-Blogs.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

-American Zombies-The British are catching up-

-89! HOLY CRAP I'M ALMOST AT 100!!!-

[clearing throat] Okay, I just regained my composer.
I have a few things to say today.


I'd like Dan, Jean Knee, Brian and NCS to be aware that the dreaded ZOMBIES ARE HERE!!
We've run out of places to hide! (Except for Brian, I think he might be safe for a few more months, you know, because he lives somewhere on the other side of Lake Michigan. Zombies can't swim and I doubt they have passports to board a plane.)(I didn't mention Tracy because she'll always be safe. She lives in an unpopulated area, Zombies wouldn't got there just for 5 people.)(They're Zombies, not dummies.)
American Zombie
Anyway, maybe we can organize a trip to go see it? You guys better show up this time! I waited for you at The Egg Factory, no one came so I had to eat my omelet while tasting my salty tears!

Time they brought our food, 10:46. I had predicted 10:53.

Speaking of Brian, I'd like to welcome him in joining the rest of us in the whole Daylight Savings State of Comatose-edness.
I don't know what took them so long but it's about freakin' time they join the rest of our barbaric civilization.

It's been 3 weeks and I still have difficulty getting up in the morning. I had a memorial service for all the eyelashes I've lost while prying my eyelids open.

My Andy alarm doesn't care about how annoying it's getting so I have to hear "BEE! It's 6:45! You're going to be late again!"

I'm trying to teach it to sing me The Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun" so that my day starts on a beautiful, positive tune but that, like the fact I can no longer do shot after shot of Tequila while balancing-... never mind, is in my drawer of long ago dead idyllic dreams.

Anyway, tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of the week! (I might not show up to work, think they'll notice I'm gone?)


Brook Shields brushes her teeth like a demented raccoon.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

There's nothing like a bunch of randomness on a Saturday.

-Day 88.
I had an extremely crappy day Friday. That's all I need to say about that.
Because of the life sucking day I had, this post will be a bunch of ranDUMBness.
Random thing #Uno:

I had one sad little highlight to my day.
A vendor came in while I was being the office chump and gave me a couple of pens.
I've had vendor pens before and they're usually good for a couple of messages then I file them under "G" for Garbage where they belong.
Not these pens! These pens write as if angels were guiding your hand to form every scribbley doodle.
These pens will help you solve all crossword puzzles, math problems, change the oil in your car, give you kisses, with very little effort on your part.

Now I'm upset that I type more than I write!
I'm going to look up prison inmates and become their pen-pal just so that I can use them!
Don't worry, I'll pick white collar criminals whose only sin was to rip off poor unsuspecting senior citizens. I do have some boundaries.
Le Random thing #2:

I heard a news report that said there's a shortage of egg laying hens. (that's exactly how I heard it. I was confused at first and thought, 'Eggs! Laying hens??' But, after replaying it over and over in my head, I was able to figure out what they meant.)
I looked and looked for more information but I was unable to find anything online so you'll have to take my word for it.
In honor of this horrific report, I'll be having a yummy bacon-cheese omelet at exactly 10:53 Saturday morning.

If you'd like to take part in hastening the extinction of eggs, please join me at the The Egg Factory in Mount Prospect, IL. Call me if you're going to be late because I hate eating cold eggs!
Random #3:

I have finally figured out how to post from Scarlett (my cellphone)! I did a test run and it came thru loud and clear! With a little bit of spam but I'm sure I'll figure out the kinks.
I'm unstoppable! Did you just roll your eyes???

Random-dumb #4:


When you come over for breakfast, make sure you bring The Game of Redneck Life.

I must warn you yet again that I cheat whenever I can. In my nutty mind, as long as I'm upfront about my deviousness, my cheating is part of the unwritten rules. Read all the fun we could have while losing teeth and shooting rats!

Teeth are lost through accidents and brawls. Buy some back at the end of the game if you have money or loose a tooth for every $100 you still Uncle Clem came collectin'!
A roll of 2 dice determines the grade you complete in school, which sets you up for one of 11 fabulous careers such as Monster Truck announcer or Taxidermist. Paydays are generally an opportunity to pay down your debt. Debt is incurred by buying vehicles and a home on credit. Perhaps a $500 TV, getting married, divorced, re-married, and having too many young'ens! You may fail at step parenting and be able to give your Darryls to another player. .
Extra earning opportunities arise:
Part-time job shooting rats athe dump. Collect $20.
New business venture: Steal and sell wheelchairs. Collect $300.
Unexpected Expenses occur:
One of your TVs breaks. Buy a nice new TV. Pay $500.
Accidentally break industrial scale at feed store while weighing yourself. Pay $200 for repairs.
Revenge, Sweet Revenge ...
Go in on a bass boat with any other player, You each pay $300.
You need more time to watch TV. You may divide all of your young'ens between the other players.
Steal and part out any other player's vehicle. Collect half its value.
Witness Protection Program: May trade homes with any other player.

This is a shout out to my comic book peeps out there. Are you guys as surprised as I am to see Stan Lee is still alive? HE HASN'T AGED SINCE MALLRATS!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Bachelor Party Part Deux and Inflatable J-Lo.

-Day 87.-I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping.- Sarah Silverman

So... I found out more about the lewd shenanigans my hub-bub might be a part of at that cursed bachelor party.

They were sent a naughty e-mail with the picture of a blond bimbo whose face I have committed to my memory.

You know, in case I ever bump into her at the mall, while she's buying a pair of size 12 shoes because she has abnormally large feet.
I will walk up to her and punch her in the face while I step on her ginormous big toe.

They also advertised nude cruises, topless whirlyball (? who's topless the men or the women?) and other crap I can't remember. No. I will NOT post the link to this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah!

The Best Man went all out and became super freakin' organized! I bet he can't plan a party for his wife but when it comes to naked hoochies, booze and men, he's fuckin' J-Lo in The Wedding Planner!

This means that party is going to be more than my little brain can handle.
After today, I will do what women throughout the ages have done and live in the world of denial while knitting my own underwear.

Speaking of J-Lo, strippers and debauchery...
Just when I think I couldn't be shocked, I hear about the new answer to blow up dolls... Inflatable Celebrities. There's so much I could say about this but really, what else is there to say?

-----------------------------------------------------------Edited for television.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


-Day 86.-

VE tagged me for the 6 word memoir.
I first saw it on
FADKOG's blog and played along too. I believe I cheated and used 24 words.

Bored girl looks for electrifying experience.
Electrician looking for funny bad girl.
You may now kiss the bride.
Happily, sometimes with booze, ever after.

This time, I'll stay true to the SIX.

I'm rebellious, outspoken, comical looking, loved.
Perfect! (I'm not saying I'm perefect, I'm saying the Six Words are perfect.)(But I am.)

Moving on.

Okay people, you know how I'm always telling you what a GREAT wife I am? How I let Andy play his computer games, video games, talk about comic books, go see all the Sci-Fi movies ever made, listen to all the reasons why STAR WARS COULD BE REAL.


He can pretty much do what he wants, when he wants without me blinking an eye. I mean, who am I to complain? He keeps me in high tech gadgets, awesome shoes, makes my salad, does the dreaded grocery shopping and laundry. He is my gold mine, my fountain of youth and my anchor all rolled in to one neat package of mullet hair.

We have also discussed what an INSANELY jealous person I am, right? Well, remember the wedding I'm dreading? Andy was invited to the bachelor party.

I'm totally trying to be the cool wife by saying encouraging things like "OVER YOUR DEAD BODY!" or "I'LL HIDE OUR CAR KEYS, YOUR WALLET AND DEBIT CARD!"

Nothing too psycho-ish. Normal everyday threats. It doesn't help that Brother Dan is trying to tag along therefore condoning Andy's actions.

I can't help it! I know what goes on at those parties!

I know they'll hire a stripper maybe more than one.

At the beginning of our marriage I was more blasé about strippers "Meh! So what? It's not like they can touch 'em!" Now, after gaining 2 to 20 pounds times 1,000, blasé has turned into "Stupid skinny perfect bitches!"

See, I've evolved. I've matured and realized I'm not immortal and now I'm trying to make Andy understand that neither is he!

::SIGH:: He'll probably wind up going because I don't want him to be teased at work. I can take mocking and peer pressure but my Andy is a poor delicate flower that wilts under harsh criticism.

Why do people have to get married anyway?? If they have to do it, can't they just elope. They are seriously making my life more problematic than it needs to be! Maybe I'll forward them the link on "How to Elope In Las Vegas". I can't believe people can be selfish enough to inconvenience the rest of us.


Why is it that every time a man takes a shower he expects praise... and a parade?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Controversial Teen/Young-Adult deterrent. The Barreness (=childless but not unhappy about it) brings you the real story!

-Day 85.-
The following post may contain material that is offensive to mothers. While I do not apologize for the words you’re about to read, I do want to make sure you do not live near me when you read them.

You know, on the off chance you’d like to come over and get all in my face for talking smack about your offspring.

Before you read on, you must answer this question.

How long would it take you to get to Chicago?

If your answer is “an hour or more”, you may read on.

If your answer is “I’m standing outside your door right now!”

Let me prepare my attack dog Tazzer The Ferocious before you read this post. (I prepare him by showing him pictures of you and then saying “They’re coming to give you a bath!” nothing makes him angrier than being clean. Except maybe being petted. And looking at him. Or breathing.)

Sure, he might not look menacing there but that's our secret weapon!
I was semi-listening to the news the other day when I heard them say something about a high pitched device that only humans between the ages of 13-23 could hear. Some places are using it as a deterrent for gangs and loiterers.

The Mosquito

I want to quickly, before anybody TRIES to beat me up, say that I love this idea!

There is nothing that scares me more than teenagers (and babies with guns)! They seem to have no respect for their uh… what’s the word I’m looking for? Not elders since I’m barely over the age of 23 myself. Um… people with slightly more experience than them?

Anyway, my office building is in a more economical area of my suburb. There are tons of families living in apartment buildings that have, you guessed it, allot of teenagers.

They like to hang out in the parking lot, sitting on people’s cars, having snowball fights no matter who's trying to get into their cars. Drs, nurses, ME.

One day, I got into my car and as I was pulling away, 2 of them jumped in front of me! I had to slam on the breaks! I put my car in park and opened the door.

When I was a teen, this would have been enough to send me running. Instead, one of them came nearer, talking crap. I reached in, turned off the ignition and took my keys. I whipped out my cell phone and told them sweetly to stay where they were so that I could call the police. This did the trick but what about the next time?


They remind me of the Squirrel/pigeons Seinfeld episode where George killed pigeons and ran over a squirrel. He kept shouting "we have a deal" that they're supposed to move out of the way. (Sadly, I live my life reliving Seinfeld/Simpsons/Friends episodes)

What are my options? I can't beat them senseless, nor would I want too, because I'd look like the bad guy.

I say we should award the inventors of this device the Noble Peace Prize for keeping people safe... and me out of jail.

Unless, they start to evolve and manage to develop an immunity to high frequencies!

Then we're all doomed!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Close encounter of the idiot kind.

-Day 84.

Mondays SUCK! If you don’t agree with me, I will go and shave “Bee rocks!” on your head. Are we in agreement? Good!

Anyway, Mondays usually find me hung-over (even though I don’t drink, I still wake up with a fuzzy tongue- I know you want to make THAT joke but if you value your life... nah. Go ahead, pull the trigger.) unwilling to get up, debating whether I NEED to take a shower (the answer is always "YES" by the way), bemoaning my lack of millions of dollars so that I can hire valets that will put all my body parts back together again.

I’m the female, new-age version of Humpty Dumpty. Only my name is Hairy Dumpy. Yeah, I LIKE IT! ***Observation. Word agreed with my spelling of “Humpty” but disagreed with the spelling of “Dumpty” and didn’t give me a spelling alternative, don’t these two go together??

So… where the hell was I? Oh yeah! Mondays.
These are the days my mood is, how shall I put it? At it's most dangerous or SEVERELY UNFRIENDLY. I’m snarly until at least 11:59 pm AT LEAST.

Most people know this and stay away. Some people think they’re from the cat family and keep testing their 9 lives theory. So far, 2 dead 1 confirmed catperson.

I walked into the office, turned on my computer, then went to the kitchen to make coffee.

Scarecrow walks in, obviously knowing I hadn’t had my coffee since I was in the process of making it, not a good sign. I'm even less pleasant, IF POSSIBLE, before my coffee.

Scarecrow: [hovering]
Have you seen Patient X’s chart?

Bee: [maintaining my patience]
Doesn’t sound familiar.

Scarecrow: [not very good at reading warning signs]
I think you had it last.

Bee: [in a half snarl]
HAD would probably be your first clue that I don’t have it NOW.

Scarecrow: [dense head]
I did look on your desk and didn’t find it…

Bee: [looking at her encouragingly]
Okay. Maybe you should try plan “B” and look somewhere else?

Scarecrow: [I've known doorknobs with more intelligence]
I could have sworn you had it.

Bee: [explaining to this middle aged child]
Work with me here, isn’t HAD the past tense of TO HAVE?

Scarecrow: [beginning to sweat]
I was just hoping you put it somewhere else.

Bee: [big eyes, clown face]
Like where? In my car? On a plane? On a train? In a box? With 3 locks?

Scarecrow: [huffy]
Fine. I’ll look somewhere else!

Bee: [singsong voice, arms outstretched, total ham]
In a field of clovers? With a dog named rover?

Scarecrow: [baring her teeth or um... gums]
Forget it.

Bee: [twirling]
In a junkyard? Crap! What rhymes with yard?-


Bee: [a little startled that the boss is participating but taking it in stride]
In a junkyard? With a tub of lard?

Scarecrow walks out bumps into OZ as he's walking.

OZ: [shaking his head, wheeze laughing]
No, "In a junkyard? While burying lard?" Sounds better.

Bee: [blushing cuz I'm such a dumbass]
Who buries lard?

OZ: [still laughing]
You can’t dump that stuff down the drain! The lard would clog it!

Here's my question, isn't mine better? A tub of lard instead of burying lard?

I wonder if OZ was always a wise ass or if he got corrupted my lil' ole me.

Well, at least my day got get batter after that.


Andy came by the office to pick something up, --looking super hawt in his scruffy electrical wear--, and he had this observation "The receptionist lady (AKA Cowardly Lion) doesn't seem to be too happy with you."

That's probably because I've restricted her peeing to when I deem it is appropriate. To dictate, is to love.

Monday, March 24, 2008

My little Easter bonnet.

-Day 83.-
I had a busy day today with no computer access until 10:15 pm. I'm tired and my brain is hanging on by a thread. It keeps saying "Bee, gett meh to behd noww!"
It's having difficulty speaking.
I just wanted to show you a picture of me in my Easter bonnet. I think I look pretty snazzy!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Karate= Empty Hand. My hands= Squish! Just like grape.

-Day 82. Fighting always last answer to problem- Mr. Miyagi

Saturday evening was my couch potato night since I survived YET ANOTHER family get together. All the crazy key players were there, doing all their mocking with their rocking and their rolling.

Brother Dan was being poked fun at for not knowing how to dance.
Bee was poked fun at because she is now too self conscious to dance in serious venues.
Sister Nancy cuz her butt counted the stairs as she fell down them when she was about 10.
Brother Sergio because he still thinks the White Sox are gonna win... uh, be careful with that one because he gets mad. :op

Anyway, I was wondering what my post would be about since I didn't do anything exciting other than play snow baseball. (That's where you grab a broken broom handle and swat at the fence's snow hats. I always win.) (Probably because I'm the only one that plays it since everybody else is too busy looking at me funny.)

After everybody left, I did a bunch of random things until I finally wound up watching The Karate Kid on TV.

I haven't seen this movie since the original time I saw it in 1984. Watching it Saturday night was a trip down memory lane. The music, the clothes, California, the school clicks... I then realized how much I love this movie!

I'm not really surprised Ralph Machio's career never really surfaced higher than the dumpster, especially because the true star was Mr. Miyagi.
Short, out of shape dude, with moves like a ninja, who liked to garden... kinda reminded me of... well, ME! (except for the dude part)

I submit the following proof to the words I'm spewing:
Andy tried to take me down yesterday but I side stepped, nipple pinched, crouched sumo-wrestler-style to make him beg for mercy! If you don't believe me, ask my momma. She was laughing her butt off saying I was as "unmovable as an oak tree".

Yippee-ki-yay! No, that's more cowgirl. Hee-YAH!! Bee = karateka.

Only problem is, I don't do kicks.
My legs are too short so I wind up looking like Butt-head doing those weird kicks when he's "dancing". Whatever man. If you see me comin', cross the freakin' street!
Okay, I'm off to find me a Daniel-San to do my all my house work.
Wax on, wax off, don't forget to breathe, verrrry important!

He kinda looks like one of my mom's uncles! RIP MR. M.

I don't try to catch flies with chopsticks, I spear moths midair with toothpicks! Hee-YAH!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Don't step on my blue suedeless shoes!

-Day 81.-
Do you think I'm overreacting and should stop this whole complaining about the weather business??
I am submitting proof as to why I'm pulling out my eyelashes one at a time!!!!
Okay, here is a picture of what my backyard looked like on Thursday:

This is what it looked like on Friday!:

I might be exagerating just a little bit.

It didn't look exactly like the first picture but it was damn close!
No snow, sunny, and all around springy.
When I got out of work, I had to remove the mini North Pole that had formed on top of my car. Do you think I can get people to ski on my window?

Then I got stuck a couple of times because nobody told the plow guys it was going to snow therefore our escape from the parking lot was an adventure in bumper car driving. Look at my poor tire! It's being smothered!
Here's me right before I got splattered with muddy snow by a big truck going one thousand miles an hour. Don't worry, I was at a stop when I took the picture.

I think I've been going about this winter business all wrong. You see, I haven't been wearing the proper shoes to kick Mother Nature's frigid ass! I went out and bought a pair of nice Blue Suedeless Shoes.

Let me at her, I'll SPLAT HER CANDY ASS!!

Bye for now, I have to go dig Mocha out from under the pine trees.

Friday, March 21, 2008

"Snizzel"??? They're predicting 6 inches of snizzle???

-Day 80!-
I'm not kidding. The news said we were getting snizzle!
I cannot believe winter is being such a BITCH!! I was walking around with just a sweater these past few days and now back to shoveling snow!!
Well, I don't shovel snow personally, I have a boy who does that. Don't feel too bad for him, he gets paid in kisses. ;o)

Anyway, disturbing searches reported to me by my trusty Sitemeter. You can click on the links to see what else came up for these sickos! Uh... unless they found me so entertaining they kept coming back. If that's the case they're not sickos, they're inquisitive peers.

Aaaand away we go!

red streaks in crotch
::shiver:: I'm afraid to ask who would do this search! The dye burned my head, I can't imagine what it would do to the sensitive zone!

woman crushes a bee
The innocent always suffer. Whatever I did to you... I'm sure it was on purpose.

how long is a bee an egg?
Until somebody makes me an omelet.

gap in front teeth sign of promiscuity
For the love of skittles!!!! I have a gap in between my front two teeth but I'm not a hoochie!

dictionary for buenos nachos
If you find it let me know. I'm always on the hunt for buenos nachos.

naughty pregos
::shiver:: For the love of mike! Don't click on that one!

what i do if i will bee abducted by aliens
I was the number one site to come up on this one! Yeah! Here's what you do:

Stop. Drop. And roll!

buy meet the fockers fake man boob
Be careful with that link cuz one of the blogs says "Suck my man boobs"...
I come up on the second page.

bee begs
Not on your life.
Unless it’s me begging for people to click on
I know when you do. I know when you don’t. Must I beg some more?

Okay that's it for this installation of meet my Sitemeter.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Maybe I can be there for their divorce?

-Day 79.-

So, the hubs and I are invited to a wedding.
To those of you who know me and those that don’t will now learn, I AM AN ANTI-SOCIALITE.

I said it!
Loud and proud!
I hate going places that involve small talk and strangers.
... And table manners.
"Whadda ya mean I shouldn't lick my fingers? How will that saucy goodness get into my mouth otherwise??"

This here is my favorite arena.

I can go around talking to you peeps via the interworldwideweb without having to wash my face, dress up, smell good, etc.
I enjoy this type of bonding. I can always brag about how tall I am meanwhile knowing I can walk limbo under a table.

My attempt to weasel out of going to this holiest of unions started when I asked Andy if I could hire a Bee stand in. His hopeful expression changed once he saw the women I had in mind.

He said no to all of them. I don't know, I find #1 and #3 to closely resemble me.

What? You thought I’d hire a hottie to go with my Andy?? Nuh-uh!

I guess I'll have to stop my pouting and go. Do I sound like a crybaby?

Sorry, it's just that, I can hold my own when out and about but I don't know how to act amongst strangers.
Some people don’t “get” when I'm joking.

Even you guys sometimes don't get me. You know how I know? Cuz you ask me questions like "Why a duck?" Why not a duck? They make me laugh!
At any rate, whether here, there or anywhere, my main objective is to amuse the one person in the world that matters more than cheese... ME!

The problem could be that it sounds good in my head but not so good when I say it? Something to ponder.

I have a stranger danger example from my recent trip to IKEA.

I was looking at cacti and found one I wanted to bring home, then I saw one from the same family only it was bigger and fuller. As I was putting the original one back, a lady asked me, “Are you apologizing to the cactus because you’re not buying it??”
Yup! I sure was. Without even realizing it. I can’t help it.

Was I embarrassed? No. But the lady probably thought I was off my rocker.
Anyway, I get self conscious so I just sit there quietly. Looking sad or mad but the reality is, I'm singing Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" in my head.

Alltop has tons of blogs just waiting for you to discover 'em!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm not always a lady... sometimes I'm a duck.

-Day 78. Everything has two sides--the outside that is ridiculous, and the inside that is solemn.--Olive Schreiner
I know you’re sick of hearing I’m sick but... honestly, I really don’t care. No no. I'm kidding. I feel better. I'm over the worst part. I'm just going thru the boogie part.
You guys know how much of a lady I am by now, right? I know some of you may disagree (you know who you are!) and I'll have to concede to having the occasional blunder or two.
For example, Is there a ladylike way to blow ones nose? I was blowing my nose in the bathroom and noticed how my face contorts into one of those scary Halloween masks.
Soooooo, since I had nothing better to do, I decided to practice in front of the mirror, you know, just in case I might have to blow my nose in public due to an unforeseen emergency. I don't want to scare small children... more than I do on a daily basis.
I tried and tried with no success. Eyeballs bulged, double chin appeared, forehead creased. I've decided to continue my nose blowing in private.

Something else that doesn’t look ladylike, stuffing one third of a juicy orange into your mouth and then trying to chew and swallow before you dribble and/or drown.
I managed to remain alive and dribble free but at the cost of my ladyness (spell check was telling me I'm trying to type "lewdness" instead of "ladyness", how well does this thing know me!).
Anyway, you'll be happy to know, I'm not ALWAYS a lady.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Somebody gave my Leprechaun the wrong directions

-DAY 77. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.- Dolly Parton

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, waiting for my Lucky Leprechaun to arrive with my pot of gold.
No pot!
Not even a little pot.
How sad.
I wasted hours sitting under a homemade rainbow for nothing!
Oh well, maybe next year?


As random piece of information, I have eaten enough oranges to start my own orchard. Well, not really since I ate them uh... I have eaten enough oranges to start my own orange juice factory. Hee Hee if you got that you're grossed out right now.

"Why so many oranges?" you ask. The decongestants, Nquil, and Vicks cough drops have left a horrible taste in my mouth. The only thing that's been helping is the oranges. It eliminates the flavor of wet hamster. If anybody has any other suggestions, OTHER THAN BRUSHING MY TEETH (wise guys!), I'd really appreciate it.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Observations from the couch.

-Day 76. Nyquil side effects: May cause your bladder to shrink to the size of a toddler's. Once you take it and are about to fall asleep, you will have to pee right away. May cause bruising due to sever drowsiness. Your walk to the bathroom will be zombie-like with the walls moving and hitting you in the face, body and feet. Concentrate once in the bathroom to prevent swaying.
I've come to the realization that my sofas were designed by torture loving freaks. I must do something about them before the next flu season.

While shifting incessantly on them Saturday night and all of Sunday, I was subjected to the weirdest TV shows/commercials ever! Since it is my objective to educate all of you on all the nonsense in the world...

Mirapex commercial:

MIRAPEX for Restless Legs Syndrome.
"Oh, that's not so bad!" you say.
No, I guess it's not. For people who are constantly twitching throughout the night and kicking their partners, I say give it a try! (Unless you kick them on purpose and just pretend to be sleeping.) but beware of the of the side effects.
MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:
falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.

excessive gambling or sexual urges

See, if you tell people the side effects, you're gonna have them doing the crazy legs dance just to get this medication. They'd have the effects of LSD and Viagra all in one! Or am I the only one that thinks this way? Also, tasting something that isn't there????? Like what?? Cheesecake??

Dogs detecting cancer:
Dogs can smell cancer on patients breath before it shows up in lab tests.
I just don't know what to say about that. If it's true, cool! But! Can you imagine going to your doctor's office and having a dog sniff your breath? What if he licks your mouth? Would they give you a toothbrush and some mints?

Then I watched Soul Train where Jermaine Jackson sang "Let's get serious". Don't ask me why I didn't change the channel. I guess I was transfixed by the awfulness that was 80's fashion and dance moves.

Not happy that I had damaged my brain enough for one day, I watched "The Witches of Eastwick". Who made the decision that Jack Nicholson was hot? He has to be one of the grossest leading men I've ever seen! In this movie he was sweaty and dirty which reminded me of a sleazy car salesman from the 70s. Yuck!
If you ever see it on TV and have a choice of watching it or having someone remove your eyeballs with a razor, choose the razor.

Happy St. Patty's Day! Now go get drunk!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Don't call this a cop out.

-Day 75.
I committed to posting 365 days this year and I haven't really had any problems until just now because I'm still loopy.

Due to the unfortunate state of my Nyquil soaked brain, I am taking the easy route and am posting these two videos I found on The Poke Show.

The first one is from Sarah Silverman called "I'm F*cking Matt Damon". The second one is Jimmy Kimmel responding with "I'm F*cking Ben Affleck".
Both are great but the my favorite one has to be Jimmy's since my Brad has a cameo. Even if he's looking kind of hairy... so is Andy so I guess hairy men are my cross to bear. ;o)
Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be better.

Saturday, March 15, 2008


-Day 74.

Just one question today.

Does anybody else have trouble coming up with the perfect title for your posts?
Sometimes I'm done and then I just sit there racking my brain for the right title.
Or is it just my feeble mind?

Oh, I guess that's 2 questions.

BYE BYE SNOW!!!! If I see you again in the next few months, I'll kick your ass!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Harry Potter’s... WHAT?? This post is rated R.

-Day Seventy-something.

Okay you guys, I’m still feeling a little wonky.
My eyes are burning my nose is sore, my hair is standing up on its ends from me thrashing my head around on my pillow, asking the powers that be why oh why must they torture my poor little brain so! Can you get a hernia from sneezing??

So far no response, unless you call having a wet pine cone falling in between my sweater and my warm skin a response. I choose not to think of it as such since this would mean they’re saying “Stop your moaning pansy!” and I can’t handle that type of negativity right now. I just can’t.
Oh, by the way, I’m looking particularly yummy, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I was saving this post for an emergency A day when I didn't have anything to say. Guess what? Today is the day!

I know what you're gonna say "Bee, you're so tired and uninspired".
I am, I haven't been getting much sleep and my 6 brain cells can barely organize themselves to help me shower. Believe me, it's better for humanity for me not to smell funky than to be inspired.

I found this at Tequila Mockingbird’s who is pee your pants funny! She posted this when she was sick too... maybe there’s an omen in there somewhere. She got it off this site.

Even though I’ve never read any of the books or seen any of the movies, I thought it was hilarious! I wish I knew the person who came up with it because I’d buy him/her a huge jug of hot chocolate. People like hot chocolate better than booze, right?

Later Gators! Don’t forget to click on Humor-Blogs before you leave.
I now leave you with. Harry Potter’s Wang.

I just read this intro, could it be possible I ramble more when I'm ill?


Here is the excerpt:

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I've gotten mail with what I hope are chocolate stains!

-Day 72. Do not believe yourself healthy. Immortality is health; this life is a long sickness.- ST. AUGUSTINE, Sermons

I was in the middle of putting a proposal together for an attorney and had to stop to blow my nose (I was infected YET AGAIN by the germ carrying gray haired bats), when I realized my germs were going to be stuffed into an envelope and mailed to a suburb near me.

I'm sending my germs to an attorney who has fought with me for 7 months. He deserves to be sniffling, coughing and sounding like Elmer Fud. If you try to make my life uncomfortable, I'll give you a big germy kiss!

I started laughing evilly. BWAHA HA HA-- Then I thought "Wait a sec... Aaaaargh! I get mail too..."

This sent me into convulsions because I thought of all the letters and envelopes that I handle on a daily basis. Papers that go thru my desk coming from one place or another... what were people doing before they sent them to me??? ::Blech!::

What about all the junk mail we get? You can't tell me it's not put together by someone in their basement...

I. Can. No. Longer. Focus.

Nobody send me anything!
... ... Unless it's a winning lottery ticket or money.

I was just punished by Karma! I sneezed and hit publish accidentally. Oops.

I promise not to make you sick if you click on humor-blogs for me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Square is the new cool. I should know.

-Day 71.


My day consisted of me listening to 6 women complain about their husbands' illnesses. They're all in their 60s so they range from back problems to inability to digest food.

I've heard it all.

Bowel movements, ear wax buildup, enlarged prostrates- the freakin' works people!

This got me day dreaming about the job I had previous to this one.
Where I worked in a cubicle with movable walls.

And I sighed.

Then there was this one time the office skanks were talking about their "dates" and I moved one of my walls so I could be completely enclosed in awesome privacy.

I remembered all this and cried.

Well, not really cried but my upper lip did the sad droopy thing. Okay maybe there was ONE tear.

To all you people who hate cubicles I say:

Stop yer bitchin'!!!

The end.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

To the jag that splatted the mac, I still know your plates!

-Day 70.
2 Things before the serious post:
First, Check out Bloggers in a Swimsuit over at jean knee's! You'll laugh you'll cry. You'll want us to be on TV. Go! Then come back please.

Second, I just want all of you to know that Matt Roloff from Little People Big World is NOT guilty! I know you were worried! Oh, and it looks like Zach might have a girlfriend...

So... Tracy wishes to know my Fast Food Topper story.

Warning: This story is not even a little bit funny. It caused emotional distress, trauma and maybe some tears. Maybe.

I worked at a Brown’s Chicken for 9 years. "NINE YEARS??" you say. Yes. 9 years. That’s were I met my Andy.

My 3 brothers and sister worked there as well. The last 3 years there, I was promoted to GM (General Manger). I ran that place with love compassion and whips. The teenie boppers all loved me because I was a fair boss and they never hesitated when I asked them to do something. (Except Andy’s brother and my youngest brother but that’s another story).

One day, my sister was taking an order for a man and his mom. He ordered our special which was 8 pcs of chicken and a bowl of pasta. He had 4 choices of pasta and chose Macaroni.

As in Mac and Cheese. When my sister was pouring the cheese over the pasta, he said wait a minute that’s not what I want! My sis said "you said Mac n cheese but if you’d like, I can give you something else."

He said no, that it was fine and he seemed pretty calm about it. Once he paid and my sister gave him his food, he proceeded to take the Mac out of the bag and slam it on the lobby floor!

By the time I ran to the front, he had taken off in his pick up but I got the license plate # just in case.
Maybe if I would have jumped over the counter I could have caught up with him but I'm pretty short, no way would I have cleared it.

About 10 minutes later his wife calls saying we had forgotten his pasta and tried TRIED to tear me a new one.

I think by now you know I don’t take shit from anyone. I calmly told her what he did and basically told her it would be a cold day in hell if she thought they could ever come back. She called me a liar. I said "Oh yeah, I have him on video tape surveillance! Maybe you can tell him to come back and clean my lobby? Maybe you can tell him there’s cheese sauce on the walls he can pay to have cleaned." She paused but only for a second and continued her bitching tirade.

In the mean time, that asshole was in the background saying he was going to stuff my lies down my throat. I told the bitch wife that if he ever dared come over I was calling the police since those were real threats.

I finally hung up on her. I called the owner and explained what happened and he said he supported what I did since the guy sounded like an asshole.


The owner calls me back and says he got a call from corporate who asked him to call the customers. He did and now he wanted me to put a bowl of pasta on credit for this piece of shit.

I blew up and told him what I thought.

His response “Listen Bee, this is my business. I can’t turn away a customer just because he was mean to you.”

I agreed that it is his business but I asked him if he had heard the guy ranting and raving in the background. He said "Yeah, he was screaming and swearing. The guy is a real piece of work."

I had a nervous breakdown at Brown's Chicken and Pasta. Bastards!

There used to be a manger who worked @ Brown's when I first started. He was the owner's brother. A little Italian guy that knew people, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. He would have backed us up even if we were wrong.
Yeah, he was a racist but he was a cute and cuddly racist, kidding. She sold the business to these other guys who didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

My sister and I quit shortly after.

What was their fate after we quit? They went out of business, the restaurant that had been there for 30 years was leveled to the ground and now that property has a bank settled nicely on top of it. Oh and the owner who made the worst decision of his life is now divorced.

Who won?

Naw, I'm not bitter
If the dickless wonder would have come back, I would have called the cops and then beat the shit out of him while we waited.
Click on my banner if you believe me! ;op