Monday, March 17, 2008

Observations from the couch.

-Day 76. Nyquil side effects: May cause your bladder to shrink to the size of a toddler's. Once you take it and are about to fall asleep, you will have to pee right away. May cause bruising due to sever drowsiness. Your walk to the bathroom will be zombie-like with the walls moving and hitting you in the face, body and feet. Concentrate once in the bathroom to prevent swaying.
I've come to the realization that my sofas were designed by torture loving freaks. I must do something about them before the next flu season.

While shifting incessantly on them Saturday night and all of Sunday, I was subjected to the weirdest TV shows/commercials ever! Since it is my objective to educate all of you on all the nonsense in the world...

Mirapex commercial:

MIRAPEX for Restless Legs Syndrome.
"Oh, that's not so bad!" you say.
No, I guess it's not. For people who are constantly twitching throughout the night and kicking their partners, I say give it a try! (Unless you kick them on purpose and just pretend to be sleeping.) but beware of the of the side effects.
MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:
falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.

excessive gambling or sexual urges

See, if you tell people the side effects, you're gonna have them doing the crazy legs dance just to get this medication. They'd have the effects of LSD and Viagra all in one! Or am I the only one that thinks this way? Also, tasting something that isn't there????? Like what?? Cheesecake??

Dogs detecting cancer:
Dogs can smell cancer on patients breath before it shows up in lab tests.
I just don't know what to say about that. If it's true, cool! But! Can you imagine going to your doctor's office and having a dog sniff your breath? What if he licks your mouth? Would they give you a toothbrush and some mints?

Then I watched Soul Train where Jermaine Jackson sang "Let's get serious". Don't ask me why I didn't change the channel. I guess I was transfixed by the awfulness that was 80's fashion and dance moves.

Not happy that I had damaged my brain enough for one day, I watched "The Witches of Eastwick". Who made the decision that Jack Nicholson was hot? He has to be one of the grossest leading men I've ever seen! In this movie he was sweaty and dirty which reminded me of a sleazy car salesman from the 70s. Yuck!
If you ever see it on TV and have a choice of watching it or having someone remove your eyeballs with a razor, choose the razor.

Happy St. Patty's Day! Now go get drunk!


  1. I know most of the lyrics to Let's Get Serious.

    I'm a closeted Jermainiac!

  2. Oh, poor, poor Bee. I've been writhing about in the agony of tooth pain all weekend just biding my time until I can see a dentist tomorrow. And now I'm writhing about thinking about how much it's all going to cost me. :(

  3. I've got Restless Leg Syndrome just thinking about it!

  4. I wonder if you can pay drug companies to add side effects? For example the excessive urges one might be sponsored by Las Vegas...

  5. So, how do you know if the dog has detected it? Does he bark?

  6. Dear Bee
    I'm sorry but if that dog licked me in the mouth we would have a malpractice lawsuit on our hands here because that is G.R.O.S.S.! They lick their nethers and stuff! If they can smell cancer why can't they smell their stinky asses while they're down there????
    This rant brought to you by

  7. those are all cool side effects, one drug has bleeding diarea as a side effect.
    Your neighbors dog is always barking at me, I'm starting quimo today.
    Hope I have cool side effects !

  8. My favorite drug commercials inevitably end with the whispered warning, "...may experience a gassy, oily discharge." WHAT??!

    Oh, sign me up! I would just love to have bubbling oil squeaking out of my butt all day long. That's just so... so sexy, you know?

  9. and people usually complain about the side effects of their meds.
    not in Las Vegas, Baby!

    was that Wayne Newton or did I just eat bacon? I'll raise you ten, you look hawwwwt. oh wait, you're a man....

    did that dog just touch me? How's my breath?

    sorry I just kicked yer arse, I forgot to take my meds......................

  10. At first read, I read this and thought your couch was torturing loving freaks, and I was all "Where do you get a couch like that? Do they sell those at Slumberland? I got some friends I'd like to take care of. Why, I oughta..."

    Then I got to the Mirapex part and I screamed YES out loud! My husband and I rewind it on the Tivo and laugh at it ever since he pointed out the whole gambling and sexual urges part. He now walks around the place telling me he wants to Mirapex me, then sream out "jackpot, baby!"

    (shhh...those "friends" I want have sit on my evil couch may or may not be my husband...)

  11. EWBL:
    I would continue to keep your Jermaniacism in the closet.

    They can be so expensive! Andy and I are still paying for something he had done 2 years ago. :o(
    I wish you lots of luck.

    Nah! Drug companies are not around to profit in any way. Their main goal in life is to cure people! And take their life savings.

    Hi! :o)
    I don’t know, maybe he whines and piddles?

    I love my dogs but letting them lick my face is out of the question. So I agree.

    Daaaaan! Chemo (spelled correctly) is serious stuff!
    I loved how you jumped onto the truck with a girlish squeal when the dog came barreling at you! I just stood there like the Alpha Witch knowing she wouldn’t do anything to me.

    I know! Some of the side effects are nuts. Besides the Miraplex, my favorite is the one where they help you reflux disorder but the side effects may cause internal bleeding that may not be apparent until it’s too late. I’d rather buy Tums.

    jean knee:
    I want what you’re on! Is it a cocktail?

  12. I was practicing taking mirapex in case I ever have to take it.

  13. According to the small print on that webpage, those symptoms only occur in US residents.

  14. FADKOG:
    You and me both! Reagarding the husband thing. ;o)

    jean knee:
    smuggle me some.


    Oh, so... what you're saying is we're all a bunch of nutters??

  15. DAN:
    You jumped in the truck and closed the door then peered out the window chewing your nails.

  16. I really want to try that mirapex. I've always hated gambling-I wanna see what I'm missing--minus thinking someone's touching me

  17. Restless legs syndrome (RLS) is a VERY real disease with over 2000 articles in scientific journals discussing it. People who make fun of it don't understand it.

    In addition, every drug has an extensive list of side effects. For people with RLS, who are not sleeping, the side effects are well worth it and usually, do not manifest.

  18. Visit to get more info on restless legs syndrome.

  19. Flakymn:
    I would imagine any type of disorder is difficult for those who are suffering.

    It must my meds talking since I have to take Loopytitplex due to my boobs twirling in opposite directions.

    It’s something I’d had to live with for years before it was diagnosed.

    Look, I’m just kidding. My blog is my antidote for real life.

  20. t tried to watch the witches of eastwick once. i gave up after about twenty minutes and went looking for the razor...

    get well soon :-)

  21. Yeah, what is UP with Jack as a sex god? Don't think so.

  22. Vickster:
    Hi! Thanks, I feel much better. You were smart, I watched the WHOLE thing!

    RIIIIGHT?? I love him in "A Few Good Men" but he is no leading man!


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